Bill's Diary

[goodbill]

Day #1

Emotions :

Frustration about my past

Lonely because my wife and kid are not with me 

Decisions made:

1. Quit gaming and porn
2. Live a healthy and organized life

Actions:

• Deleted War3 and Torchlight II from my laptop
• Cleaned my house
• Completed module 1 of respawn
• Joined the game quitters forum  

[AssellusPrimus]

Hey Bill! Welcome to the forum! Congrats on making the decision to move in forward direction and change your life! Looking forward to following your journey and being a source of support! Good luck!

 

[Damiano]

Hi Bill. Welcome! We are all here to get better. Good luck!

[goodbill]

Thank you. I already feel better on Day #2!!

[goodbill]

Day #2

Emotions 

• Joy
• Trust

Goals

• Quit gaming and porn
• Live a healthy and organized life

Actions

• Chose metal activities: sharpen SolidWorks and Python skills
• Chose resting activities: body stretching, reading a book, listening to music
• Chose social activities: playing ping-pong in a club, invite people over my place for playing, participate group bible study

[goodbill]

Day #3

Was very tired and fell in sleep around 9 PM :) Got up 3:40 AM to finish up some work and write the journal for Day 3!

Emotions 

• Clam
• Anticipation

Goals

• Quit gaming and porn for 90 days
• Live a healthy and organized life for 90 days

Actions

• Chose metal activities: sharpen SolidWorks + Python skills + scientific paper writing
• Chose resting activities: body stretching, reading/listening to a book, listening to music
• Chose social activities:  replying at least one topic on the forum, playing ping-pong in a club, invite people over my place for playing, participate group bible study

[taichi]

2 hours ago, goodbill said:

Emotions 

• Clam

Those days when you feel like chowder. ?

Ping-pong club sounds like fun. Hoping today is another good day for you.

[goodbill]

Thank you and Yes, I played some good ping pong today in the club.

[goodbill]

Day #4

Already!

Feelings: Time runs out fast and is so precious!!

My routine: Work 8:30~6:00+ playing ping pong 6:30~8:30 + shower/washing 9:00~10:00+ writing journals 10:00~10:30+ reading some bedtime books  up to 12:00 and sleep

I don't feel bored but did meet some temptation today (be able to handle it by talking to my wife).

I am glad I am on the track of a journey to a 90-day detox!

Hope you guys are also doing well!

 

[goodbill]

Day#5

I slept for 3 hours after work and had a nice conversation with my wife. Long distance is hard, which might be a trigger for gaming again. But I will hang in here. 

So yes, another day no game and no porn! Cheers!?

[goodbill]

Day #6

I am grateful for having a great wife who sacrifices a lot for the family!

[goodbill]

Day#7

The craving did occur once. Thanks to deleting all my games last week, I did not cave in. 

I did not watch porn neither. But I did masturbate once by looking at my wife's pictures. This helps to relieve my desire and I don't feel guilty.

What if the craving comes next time? Here is what I plan to do: I would first have a shower. And then body stretch and drink water. And then meditate on God's words.

 

[goodbill]

Day 8

I felt tested lying on the bed. I listened to music which saved me. Maybe I should go outside next time?

I also felt fatigued. I assume it is normal on the journey. 

No gaming/porn today! 

[taichi]

Yes, I think feeling tired is a natural thing when changing your lifestyle drastically. It's a bit scary but be assured that your brain is doing its thing!

[goodbill]

Thanks, Taichi. The confirmation from you is encouraging. By the way, do you practice tai chi quan? I used to. 

Yesterday I really want to play some games and watch porns. The feeling is intensive. Almost thought I would relapse. My brain was not thinking right. 

Fortunately, I did not play games nor watch porns. Journal still going!

What I plan to do:

1. Continue the "respawn" modules

2. Find and pursue higher goals in my life

 

 

 

[goodbill]

Day 9

Almost relapsed. Even now at work I am thinking of gaming. Fill the voids, fill the voids, fill the voids! Continue learning new software, continue playing table tennis with friends, and continue listening good mucsic!!!

Help me God, I pray.

Edited April 16, 2019 by goodbill

[goodbill]

Day 10

Still feel tested. No game no porn, but it was a sleepless night and masturbation (thought it would help the sleep but not).

Read some comments online regarding the meaning of nofap. Some people think porn and masturbation are different, some don't. But there was a close call to watching porn in older to ejaculate.

Yesterday I played some table tennis and lose badly. I was at first frustrated but realized my goal is not to win every game or person. I need to win against myself!

Did the laundry and dish washing yesterday. Will do a nice and healthy cooking today.

[Damiano]

Hey man, Can you get out of your house or break appart your computer after you finish work/study (I mean, put the monitor in the closet, unplug the pc and put it away somewhere)? If you can then do it. If you have a console, sell it.

Its very helpful to make the bad habits difficult, I works wonders for me.

Good luck. And remember to help your future self, make it easier for him to resist. 

[goodbill]

Thanks Man. I agreed with you. It works very well for me too. 

Day 11 already?

[goodbill]

OK, I decided to come back after missing several days'  journal.

• I went to church today, took a long nap in the afternoon, and cook my meals for the next day.
• Yesterday I worked out with a personal trainer, ate brunch at Egg&I (got a free entry coupon), and played 3 hours' table tennis at the house of one club member. I went to my office to catch up with some works. 
• Friday I was busy at work and attended the Easter evening with church members. 

Everything above is quite positive. Except that I masturbated about 4 times last week, also thinking to play some games!!!! 

But I told myself: don't give up so easily! It is new life and new me waiting for me if I keep doing more right and meaningful things. 

In conclusion: Day 14 for no gaming; Day 1 for no masturbation (no porn is not enough to achieve my goal).

 

[taichi]

oh yeah the username ? Taichi is a common Japanese male name you see.

I borrowed it from a reality TV show, where a "online gaming god" was interviewed under this same pseudonym.

On 4/18/2019 at 2:30 AM, goodbill said:

Read some comments online regarding the meaning of nofap. Some people think porn and masturbation are different, some don't. But there was a close call to watching porn in older to ejaculate.

"Your Brain On Porn" the book by Gary Wilson is a good one if you're concerned about internet porn's effects on your life.

It gives valuable knowledge about what addiction is, and how internet-related addictions are to be treated.

Willpower is a limited resource, but some powerful knowledge can change you profoundly and permanently.

[Ikar]

Hey goodbill!

I empathize with you on a personal level, as my girl had to persist my gamer identity for quite some time. I told her (and myself, even before I got to know her) I would do things like working out, reading and educating myself more. Unsurprisingly, after several smaller red flags she gave me (that I failed to recognize as the beginning of the end, as my social IQ is probably horrible due to my gaming past), she snapped and said she wouldn't like to see me anymore. I failed to acknowledge even that fact for a while, but eventually this ongoing ex-com we're having really got me thinking about my time usage. I'm not doing this to impress her and to have her back (which would still be awesome), but to inspire myself to chase passions I'm after.

Glad to have you on the same boat!