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Mouxine

Daily journal of a nervous father

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Why do they cry at night?  Is it just general issues since they are very young children?  I remember my father would come into the room screaming at me and scare me more.  My mom would come in and ask me what was wrong, sing a bit, and then go to bed.  I used to have horrible nightmares and just got so scared and needed my mom.  I slowly grew out of it by controlling my dreams and learning to comfort myself at night with stuffed animals and having access to a light.  I hated night time as a kid.  So scary.

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I don't take time to write my journal, I'll try to update it tomorrow or monday.

For the crying children, well it's natural... Most children don't sleep without waking up sometimes before 6 years. Sometimes they are hungry, then they are scared, then some make nightmare, sometimes they are sick, sometimes they need to pee and or afraid of the dark... With 3 children under 6, it's like the casino : you can win or lose, but you will likely lose !

But you are right, coming in the room screaming is a bad thing to do... I know it, but it's super hard to be gentle when you are awaken almost every night for 4 years in a row... I get more and more patient, but it's far from what I want to be.

It's 1 A.M and it's already 3 times they have awaken... Good for my wife, I'm not in bed yet ! Time to switch off !

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Sorry to hear that.  Do the 3 of them sleep in the same room?  Is there anything you can do to start a nighttime routine for them to practice with you like reading that can get them to get excited for sleeping instead of getting scared?  Can you give them a placebo?  Like a special teddy bear or stuffed animal that protects them at night and in their dreams no matter what?

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Well, there are a few rules to observe during daytime to have a quiet night. Scream as least as possible, punish them lightly and calmly, play with them, do not show them ugly or scary things, avoid any injuries, do not change daily routine or see too much people...

Otherwise, to keep the oldest in bed, a book or my presence is enough with a dim light.

 

Day 27

I forgot my keys to clean up our former appartement, so I lost 2 hours in my week in a stupid way. We planted a cherry tree in the garden. It was nice dirtying my hands like this.

Day 28

My wife had an essay for her potential work. I had the bad idea to go and pick her up with the children, they were exhausting and it ended up with screaming. My fault, I should have a bit more foresight.

Day 29

Ash Wednesday. A day of privation ! Only 1 meal allowed (and a little snack in the morning and the evening). It was bearable until 21P.M, I went to sleep early to put an end to it. Otherwise, my mom came home and did a Sauerkrout for the children... It was not easy to resist that good smell. I also had a video game craving during that day. I fixed our swing in the garden, now the kids can play with it.

Day 30

I woke up a 2 A.M because of the little boy. We were hungry with my wife so we started to eat the leftovers of my mom's Sauerkrout. The boy started smiling and ate with us... He went to sleep silently after that. In the morning I went to clean up our former appartement for sale, and I took the keys that time ! The rest of the day was to rest of so much changes to our routine.

Day 31

A full day of work for my wife. It was sweet at home, I managed everything, I did enough chores and took time to make class to the oldest. At diner time, my wife came back and was exhausted, so I did everything almost alone, and I was calm. I love routine !

Day 32

A busy day, I had to go to the supermarket with our friend who has a cancer, open and close my father's office for the electrician, go to the park to entertain the children and finish my weekly rosary.

 

About video games : they are not appealing anymore. I wouldn't even know what to play. I take more time to read stories for the children and myself, and that feels great.

About social hobbies : I'm really not interested in them yet. I feel I have to many social interactions during the week so I would rather stay alone and enhance my weekly routine.

About sport : I made a little during the week, it made me feel good for a few minutes, then after it was terrible trying to manage the kids while being tired... It really doesn't suits me for the moment, I already am aching from the back and the arms because I carry the most little one very often... It's normal at 18 month, they all want to be carried for a long time.

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Day 33 to 41 (41 is the 17 march)

The mood was tense at home during these days. The little one is making 2 teeth simultaneously, this explains why he sleeps so bad and why we are on your nerves not sleeping well.

I lost motivation doing my daily journal, it's always late when I can take decent time to do it (10 P.M). I will try to update it once a week.

Notable facts during 8 days :

- I discovered a friend of mine is a liar.

- A friend tried to motivate me to write articles or books. I would like to but I lack self confidence most of the time.

- I want to spend less and less time online. Time flees when I'm in front of a screen and my eyes hurts.

- I bought a new phone : big screen but weak power so I can't do much things on it. Great it's just what I needed and it was the cheapest 75€.

- I watched an anime. The beginning was fun and it became boring... It's always the case.

I noticed that I was improving only when I was struggling with all my flaws at the same time. I should remember this !

I read the chapters on chastity in the introduction of the devout life by St Francis of Sales. I got a big but a gentle slap in the face : I'm only at the first degree and there's two more to achieve. That was one of the most slowing down error I made thinking I had to improve somewhere else.

 

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59 minutes ago, Mouxine said:

Day 33 to 41 (41 is the 17 march)

The mood was tense at home during these days. The little one is making 2 teeth simultaneously, this explains why he sleeps so bad and why we are on your nerves not sleeping well.

I lost motivation doing my daily journal, it's always late when I can take decent time to do it (10 P.M). I will try to update it once a week.

Notable facts during 8 days :

- I discovered a friend of mine is a liar.

- A friend tried to motivate me to write articles or books. I would like to but I lack self confidence most of the time.

- I want to spend less and less time online. Time flees when I'm in front of a screen and my eyes hurts.

- I bought a new phone : big screen but weak power so I can't do much things on it. Great it's just what I needed and it was the cheapest 75€.

- I watched an anime. The beginning was fun and it became boring... It's always the case.

I noticed that I was improving only when I was struggling with all my flaws at the same time. I should remember this !

I read the chapters on chastity in the introduction of the devout life by St Francis of Sales. I got a big but a gentle slap in the face : I'm only at the first degree and there's two more to achieve. That was one of the most slowing down error I made thinking I had to improve somewhere else.

 

I remember teething. I didn't enjoy it. I feel like we are all trying so hard to change so much. It's exhausting. Which anime did you watch? Why is your friend a liar?

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I've just been catching up with your story, it's really powerful. 

Even in 30 days, it seems like you've improved a lot. 90 days was hard enough for me, I can't imagine doing it with 3 children. You're stronger than most people I know, so try not to get frustrated with yourself when you become angry. You're doing an amazing job.

I think you're doing the right thing with your hobbies. There's no need to put too much strain on yourself, you're already dealing with a lot, especially with the gaming detox as well. I'm sure there will be a time when you're ready to explore new things and learn new skills, but only you'll know when that time comes. 

I hope everything works out for you, I'll definitely be following along.

All the best.

 

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@BooksandTrees I watched the beginning of the rising of the shield hero on Crunchyroll. I like medival fantasy and it had good reviews and it was looking like something a bit different than usual layout. Searching a bit more about it, it turns out in a cliche way, pragmatic antihero. It's just boring and I hate everything that makes one revel in mediocrity.

My friend is a liar because she worries to much about her reputation, so she just disguise some facts so that people pity her. It turns out that many people are learning she's a liar so she'll end up alone if she doesn't change.

@James Good Thanks for the feedback. It helps keeping posting. It's true that I improved a lot in 30 days, but that's also because I worsened a lot when I relapsed, and the longer the relapse, the uglier the worsening... So I'm truly humiliated because I'm reponsible for having improved a lot less than I wished.

I don't think I'm strong, (edit) I'm convincing myself to think I'm stubborn and weak because that's what I truly am despite my fiery nature (/edit). I just want to improve a lot and I'm obstinating myself in this path. It's been 12 years since I'm working with obstination on myself. Twelve years of struggle against myself and I'm still so encline to fall for obvious traps, uncontrolled anger and procrastination. Most of my last improvements are because of my family. I started to work on my anger and my laziness because with 3 little children, you can't sit down and do what you wish. My wife is also correcting me and it helped me a lot. Gaming detox is really something I should have done earlier and better.

---

Thanks to you two anyway, it's helpful feeling supported.

 

Edited by Mouxine

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5 hours ago, Mouxine said:

@BooksandTrees I watched the beginning of the rising of the shield hero on Crunchyroll. I like medival fantasy and it had good reviews and it was looking like something a bit different than usual layout. Searching a bit more about it, it turns out in a cliche way, pragmatic antihero. It's just boring and I hate everything that makes one revel in mediocrity.

My friend is a liar because she worries to much about her reputation, so she just disguise some facts so that people pity her. It turns out that many people are learning she's a liar so she'll end up alone if she doesn't change.

@James Good Thanks for the feedback. It helps keeping posting. It's true that I improved a lot in 30 days, but that's also because I worsened a lot when I relapsed, and the longer the relapse, the uglier the worsening... So I'm truly humiliated because I'm reponsible for having improved a lot less than I wished.

I don't think I'm strong, (edit) I'm convincing myself to think I'm stubborn and weak because that's what I truly am despite my fiery nature (/edit). I just want to improve a lot and I'm obstinating myself in this path. It's been 12 years since I'm working with obstination on myself. Twelve years of struggle against myself and I'm still so encline to fall for obvious traps, uncontrolled anger and procrastination. Most of my last improvements are because of my family. I started to work on my anger and my laziness because with 3 little children, you can't sit down and do what you wish. My wife is also correcting me and it helped me a lot. Gaming detox is really something I should have done earlier and better.

---

Thanks to you two anyway, it's helpful feeling supported.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself either. You're making great progress. It's just hard to work on yourself so much. I keep having meltdowns as well and feel so stupid. It's just hard to be so impatient. Self improvement forces us to put pressure on ourselves and our heads turns into a pressure cooker. It's easier to receive advice from others and give advice to others because we don't have to feel the pressure of our comments or conjecture. When we fix ourselves it builds fast and we are likely to get delirious and unable to think properly because of it. Then we start to go insane and think bad things. Anger and frustration set in and your body naturally gets tired and mentally depressed to protect itself from the damage. Depression is that suppressed anger. 

I tell this because I'm facing the same issues. Something I want to try is writing out the path I'm following on a paper in front of me so when I panic about following the right path I can quickly read the advice and not fill my head with needless pressure that causes me to freak out. 

You know it's valid advice and you can just read and follow until it's engraved in your heart and then you just live. 

Another thing is nothing is set in stone. We need to follow very general ways of life so that we have room to change things up if a life event occurs or if it's nice out and you want to relax outside. 

My mistake is I'm too militant and regimented. My goals are solid, but my enforcement of it is killing me. 

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On 3/19/2019 at 9:08 PM, BooksandTrees said:

My mistake is I'm too militant and regimented. My goals are solid, but my enforcement of it is killing me. 

I think it's something positive. It helps not giving up, but you just have to stay patient. If you get better and closer to your goals, one day you will realize them.

Day 42 (18 march) to 52 (27 mars)

As we say in French (I don't know if we do in English), I had my spirit in my socks these days. I'm a bit exhausted, I don't sleep enough, despite my sleeping routine being healthier and waking up is harder and harder. One night, i woke up to calm my boy, but I was so tired I screamed like a maniac in front of him. He was scared then I hugged him and he calmed down and slept 10 min later. I felt terrible after that and I'm still amazed how little children can forgive so easely their parents, being so weak and needy of their parents makes them so gentle. Of course I dont intend to abuse of this !

I dislocated the little boy's arm while carrying him on my back, just after going out of mass. I hurried up to the hospital but he put back his arm alone before I could see a doctor.

I still didn't write a single page but I have some ideas. One involves a tale on video games with spiritual and philosophical consideration, according to my wife I should start by this. After I discussed with her about some details, the idea is now getting more and more precise. I'm motivated to start writing and I grasp a bit better how I want to get things done ! Thanks to God helping me there !

When my mood is down, I don't have cravings but a little voice goes in my head saying "why wouldn't you play video games now, your life seems so sad now". Actually It's easier to resist urges to play than this sad mood. A craving for video games is somethink violent, so it's easy to be on my guard, but when it's silent and sneaky like this little voice, I can fall for it without noticing.

I did much gardening also, it feels good but I really lack knowledge about nature. It's my first year taking care of a garden !

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day 53 (28 march) to 56 (31 march)

I started writing a story. I use paper instead of my laptop, it's much more comfortable. I read the beginning to my wife, now she craves for more ! I don't intend to give much details, but it's about an addicted gamer living into games and realizing many of them are just awful. I got my inspiration from someone saying : "you're playing war while there are many people dieing from war in Syria, do you think it's okay ?" and I think it's not... I don't want my book being wise but hard to read, I want it wise and fun.

I got angry many times, but I'm controlling a bit more my body while I'm angry. I didn't break anything this time, but I still have a long way to go to have controlled anger.

I saw my elder sister yesterday and I decided to phone her more regularly. She has some bad influence in her life and I want to help her get rid of that.

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Day 57 (1er april) to 71 (15 april)

I spent a lot less time in front of a screen these days. This is great ! My eyes hurt less, I'm much less angry, I enjoy life a lot more and I'm closer to God. I wrote 4 chapters of my book and I feel good about writing.

To sumarize, everything went better since :

1 - I stopped playing video games - day 1

2 - I scheduled a daily time to pray (10 min in the morning with the daily mass texts and 10 minutes in the evening with 2 decades of the rosary.) - first week

3 - I started working on all my bad habits at the same time (eating too much, too much time leisure, etc...) - around day 30

Thanks to God for his help, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

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Day 91

the 90 days detox is over, I have cravings and this cursed voice in my head "try playing in moderation now".

I made the decision to never play video games again in my life, I know I have so much to lose if I do play video games again.

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1 hour ago, Mouxine said:

Day 91

the 90 days detox is over, I have cravings and this cursed voice in my head "try playing in moderation now".

I made the decision to never play video games again in my life, I know I have so much to lose if I do play video games again.

Take it from me that gaming in moderation won't work.  If the first thing on your mind after 90 days is to game again then you are still suffering elsewhere in life and gaming still represents that freedom for you.  If you go to the first 2-3 pages of my journal you can see that I stop journaling for 2 months.  It should be from September 1st to October 28th.  That was me trying to play in moderation after not gaming for 4 months.  It was heartbreaking and I played more than I ever had.  It was tormenting my soul.  I was empty and derisive in my emotional expressions.

This is proof that you can make it 90 days, but also proof to keep going.  Follow the divine path in front of you.  Sometimes you won't know where the path leads, but when choices need to be made you can always search your heart and feel a force push you in the right direction.

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@BooksandTrees I trust you so much about moderation won't work. Your analysis is insightful, I'm still poisoned by games, and I think I'll be craving for it regularly all my life unless there's a miracle. That's not a bad thing in itself because trials and suffering can be offered to God for the world's salvation, and salvation is what I'm looking for. However I'm so light headed and stupid sometimes, I could fall for games again. That's my greatest fear about it, to forget how much I harmed myself with them and forget this decision to never play again.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Follow the divine path in front of you.  Sometimes you won't know where the path leads, but when choices need to be made you can always search your heart and feel a force push you in the right direction.

Thanks for saying this. Your words were a sunshine in my soul.

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I'm at +100 days without gaming so I won't count anymore

I discovered that gaming was a way to compensate for my emotionnal distress. Everytime I have a need of affection, if it's not fulfilled in the day, I start having pain from sadness. The other day I almost smashed my head on the wall, thanks to the Holy Virgin I didn't by praying her. Each time this happens, I have my bad habit coming back : I want to play to forget everything for 1 or 2 hours.

I used to be very lonely when I was little, so I played a lot. It's certain I have a huge void in my heart because my parents weren't close to me even if I know they loved me. But their love was so poor, because they used to give me many gifts but very little time to spent with me. Now I have emotionnal issues with my wife because of this : I have a huge thirst for affection and she suffocates very quickly because of her mother who was oppresive. God has been the first pillar of our marriage and if he hadn't, I would have already divorced like an idiot, because with our trials and victories, I know I have a great wife.

Anyway, I'm saying this because it's apparent now to me that my addiction to video games is a consequence of a psychological problem.

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@BooksandTrees Thanks for asking ! I was intending to give some news, so I'm happy you asked.

I'm mostly well. I didn't relaspsed yet, I had some cravings recently since I'm working on many issues in my life so the traditionnal "Come on, you can give yourself some deserved rest" is coming back frequently. Anyway, I have to stay faithful to my resolution no matter what changes, no video games for life !

My wife is on a video detox, she's prone to watch series until very late, so we can help each others in our detox. Now at home it's no video games and no films/series. Some days are boring but it's just better this way and we feel more accomplished. We play board games much more and we read more too. Life is simple but good.

I'm really thinking seriously about not having sex with my wife, unless we want to make a child. It's something very rare but some catholic couples do this, observing to the most what St Paul says : "But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trials in this life, and I am trying to spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had non" (1 Corinthians chap 7 v28-29; the whole chap 7 is worth reading to understand theses verses). I tried to look at my wife just as if she was like a sister and nothing else during 10 days, I felt so free and my emotionnal distress was mostly gone... I won't deprive her of her due if she asks me, but then I didn't have any selfish intentions, and that is truly a huge freedom. Spiritual love is incredibly strong, and sex just feels dull to express it, at least for me. And this little 10 days test was also much better with my anger management...

I'm supposed to work for my father now, doing his accounting, but since he screw up something I'm waiting for the former accountant to fix everything. It's infuriating because I dislike dissorder about work but I have to deal with it.

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I decided to stop wandering on internet and doing stressful things after 22:00, that means when the children start sleeping, it's my casual time. I'm supressing many time consuming activities to devote myself to the education of my children. I'm going through a "I want to do something useful to society" syndrom. But I'm stuck at home, and I should just accept it without frustration. I can't devote myself to a project now, then I will just do what I have to do and wait for the appropriate time. I want to be productive, but it's not time for that.

I will probably stop writing in my journal for these reasons.

Thank you to all who read and responded in my journal. God bless you and may your spirit understand his infinite Love for you.

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Hey! I wanted to thank you for your insights on the forum. Your advice always felt cohesive, well-written and, most of all, helpful. I've greatly expanded my view on religion since I quit games/Twitch, knowing there's probably more than scientific truth and that morality (imposed mainly by my parents) that guides me throughout my life had to be grounded somewhere else. I might have to read the Bible at one point in my life myself.

Good luck in your endeavors!

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I hope you are doing well. I am not sure if you will be posting here again, but I do want to say I appreciate your thoughtful reflections, honesty, and friendship in my personal journey. Helping others with your syndrome you mentioned might be how you helped a few people on here realize certain things and learn. I continue to wish you luck.

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