B1ggl3fty's Journal

[B1ggl3fty]

Hello all! Let me say two things to start: 1) Cam I love what you are doing here, and you struck a chord with me in your TEDx talk. Your sincerity and attentiveness to this community you have built here is impressive. 2) Aforementioned community, you guys are awesome. Seeing this forum and reading a few things here and there has helped me have the courage to actually follow through with starting a journal, because it seems genuinely welcoming and helpful.

As an upfront summary, I have these bad habits: Eating just to eat, Youtube/facebook mindless browsing, Video Games, Porn

and I want to replace them with these rewarding habits: Sleep, organizing social events, crossfit, cooking and planning all meals for the week, keeping up with friends

I may touch on the other topics a bit to talk about any interplay between the bad habits being erased, but I will focus on the gaming and mindless browsing here. I know that games have had a negative impact on my life, and they are, along with heaving prior porn use, a huge reason why i was shy and introverted as a high school student even while being the basketball MVP and 1st team all conference and valedictorian. It is part of the reason I didn't attend a school to play basketball, which I will always regret. It was a behavior that started out social, and fun. When I was 12 or so I played only with friends, and we interacted throughout the play time. But as we got older and more experienced with games, we practiced on our own, we had our on systems and only interacted online. We stopped having fun and started using it as a measuring stick for our self worth. How good at PVP in WoW you were was as important as how strong you were... if not more. It sickens me to think how much better i could have been without them in my life as a high school student. They plagued me throughout college as well. I had many distractions, but i remember being uncomfortable freshman year and playing Warcraft III frozen throne custom games night after night. If i had to screw around I could have at least gone out at partied for pete's sake! Games and Netflix, show watching, all controlled my schedule, caused me to miss far to many classes, and hindered my physical development which I am actually really passionate about. 

I now live with my girfriend in Dallas, and I am trying to get into PT school. By all accounts, my life isn't off track. But I know that I have only scratched the surface. I know that gaming by myself makes me unhappy, and I know that I need to change. I achieve my ideal physique, connect with friends old and new, and reach out and explore life in Dallas, and get enough sleep! I think I can do it! You guys here have shown me you are active and involved, and I appreciate any comments on my journal as I starting it. 

The hardest part about this is letting go of and getting rid of a part of me. Its a bad part, to be sure, but Its a part nonetheless. That's why the support is so important. Thanks for reading!

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hey, I can relate to what you're talking about a lot!

If you want to give up porn, you should be aware of the reality of this movies. AND I don't recommend watching documentary movies, because they also have some scenes from porn which can trigger you. I know an awesome blog about porn&masturbation, however it's written in Polish. Anyways, here are the great TEDx talks about porn movies:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhUhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

I subconsciously realised that these movies are completely fake after watching one of them, and I decided to not get into it.

 

I also know how our gaming status (character's level, skills we have etc.) can affect our self-esteem. I've been affected by that even when I was in primary school and playing Tibia. The character's level was displaying to other players and if you didn't have high enough level, they didn't want to even talk to you. Also, you was easy target for others, if you were low level character, just like me most times. I can recommend this documentary about status anxiety:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1MqJPHxy6g

Hope it helps and you'll give a new post soon!

[B1ggl3fty]

Day 1) Thank you for your reply. I definitely need to make a conscious shift away from placing personal value on my gaming ability. I also know a big co-factor in my success will be stopping internet browsing for no reason. I know it is a go to replacement behavior, and I find it even less enjoyable than gaming but I do it out of habit. I'm gonna log off and spend time with my family today, stick to my guns from the start!

[Cam Adair]

Awesome to have you here with us man! Appreciate the shoutout. When it comes to building new habits, I'd encourage you to read The Power of Habit by Charlie Duhigg. It's one of the best books to start off with and many of us in the community have read it.

[Mad Pharmacist]

I feel like we're on the same boat, B1ggl3fty with mindless internet browsing. What I'll do for tomorrow to avoid it, is to schedule my next day. I remember that it helped me a lot. And also scheduling things I need to do on Internet/computer.

Great to hear, that not only am I struggling with browsing mindlessly. It's just reassuring!

[B1ggl3fty]

Mindless browsing goes hand in hand with gaming for me. I look for mastery in gaming, but i look for stimulation through it as well, which is what i get through browsing and porn as well. I definitely am with you.

 

Day 3) Played video game with friend Co-op. Got the urge to play after he left, played 2 5 minute matches, then quit. I realized I was sacrificing valuable sleep time. You can't burn the candle at both ends...its the same candle. Games are a waste of time, especially by myself. It takes away from my being able to enjoy my limited time home with my friends and family.

[Mad Pharmacist]

Wow, that's really great conlusion. Good that your relapse didn't take loads of your precious time!

[B1ggl3fty]

Wow, that's really great conlusion. Good that your relapse didn't take loads of your precious time!

Hycniejsy, I appreciate you following my journal, getting any feedback is great support.

 

I think I may mention porn in this journal in the future briefly because for me the addiction is related to the artificial stimulation of gaming and mindless browsing. I will keep the main focus on gaming.

Day 3) Today was a good day. I was spending time with a good friend as I am home more unexpectedly as the airlines sort out their craziness. We went to the gym, had a talk about his life and how things are going (he is still struggling to find his way career wise, living at home), ate lunch and went to a shopping outlet and had good talks on the way. I enjoyed the time a lot. I realized after the fact that i enjoyed this days experiences much more than gaming, or even than co operative gaming when it becomes excessive. We built a snowman yesterday with his sister, which actually was a ton of fun. That experience will stick with me much more than any game of rocket league or raid in WoW ever could. Getting over an illness, I wanted to go to bed and get some extra sleep, but i spent some time watching useless youtube videos... unfortuantely this is part of the process, but I want to recognize it here that I am not happy about it, nor did i derive much pleasure from it. 

To a better tomorrow. Letting that part of me die is going to be difficult.

 

 

Edited December 31, 2015 by B1ggl3fty

[Cam Adair]

Yo! Porn, Gaming, Mindless Browsing. The three-headed dragon. 

On the career side, my friend's TEDx might help: Refusing to Settle: The Quarter-Life Crisis | Adam "Smiley" Poswolsky | TEDxYouth@MileHigh. He also has a book: The Quarter-Life Breakthrough.

[B1ggl3fty]

Yo! Porn, Gaming, Mindless Browsing. The three-headed dragon. 

That is so much the truth. Those three things take the most of my time and enjoyment out of my life. They all feed into each other. Without them, I will have time to get all I want done in a day, keep up with my friends and sleep well. 

[B1ggl3fty]

1/2/2016, Day 7) I realize now a part of playing games or mindless browsing for me has to do with my back pain. I use it as a distraction to self medicate when it is bothering me, looking to be "pulled out" of my body. I used this self awareness just now to stop gaming and go stretch instead, so I can get on with what I want to accomplish for the day. Keeping this online journal has kept me accountable and focused so far, so even though I've been slipping up I have been learning a lot about my habit.

[B1ggl3fty]

1/10/2016 Day 15) Its amazing how much time is available in the day when I dont play games. It seems like I can get so much more done, and it really feels good and also helps me feel more connected with the people around me after being unplugged for a day. I have been off the forum for a 8 days, but partially because I havent been using electronics as much. Its new, I'm still getting used to it, but I think its better.

[Cam Adair]

1/10/2016 Day 15) Its amazing how much time is available in the day when I dont play games. It seems like I can get so much more done, and it really feels good and also helps me feel more connected with the people around me after being unplugged for a day. I have been off the forum for a 8 days, but partially because I havent been using electronics as much. Its new, I'm still getting used to it, but I think its better.

Awesome to hear you're progress. It's amazing how we could find 8 hours to game but finding time for anything else was difficult. Not anymore :)

[B1ggl3fty]

I relapsed in a big way guys. I'm kind of embarrassed. I played a lot of rocket league, did really well at the game, and then felt bad because I realized that 1) That skill was useless and I wasn't even playing my friends and 2) I relapsed into gaming. I got kind of embarrassed and felt bad because I was doing well. I definitely felt strong urges to watch porn while I was playing the games, some of which I couldn't resist. I came out of it every time with my brain in a haze, like it was fried through. I know that regardless of my future with games, I need to detox. My relationship with them is  very bad right now, and they seem to be tied in with pornography for me. I want to start again, and I hope to post more regularly, about 3 times a week.

I am going to be really busy, now working 40 hours a week and taking 8 credits of classwork, as well as 3 1.5 hour workouts a week. Its a good time for me to reboot i think, because honestly I wont be home much and I'm the most tempted when I'm home alone. I feel ashamed of gaming when my girlfriend gets home. 

 

I could go on forever, but here's to a second try. I wan't the urge to end, and to be the person I know I can be. 

[Cam Adair]

Hey! Thanks for sharing about your relapse - it's easy when we do this to hide away from it but there is a lot of growth that happens when we embrace courage and be vulnerable to share about our honest life experience. If you found your cravings to porn came from being down on yourself for relapsing with games than there's likely a correlation between gaming and porn to escape from your stress and shame. 

[B1ggl3fty]

Thanks Cam, I appreciate the encouraging response. It is hard to share that kind of stuff. 

 

Day 1 in the books, ate dinner, posted on gamequitters and yourbrainrebalanced, and gonna shower and go to bed. 

[B1ggl3fty]

Day 2) Slight relapse, then realized what I was doing and stopped. I realized that the candle doesnt burn from both ends, and when I have things to accomplish I'm only taking away from the time i could spend with my friends and doing other activities that i enjoy that are actually productive.

[Cam Adair]

Good job catching yourself. What were you doing/how were you feeling when you went to game? Identifying these is important to catch yourself before it happens next time.

[B1ggl3fty]

Day 5) I uninstalled steam yesterday, and I also unistalled warframe. I left diablo III on the xbox one, becuase it isn't a big draw for me as I only play it on occasion and only with my girlfriend. I'm gonna start the 90 day detox and complete the survey now!

[Cam Adair]

Thanks for participating! 

[B1ggl3fty]

Just Checking in, Day 9) I feel maybe a little better, but no overall difference in mood. In large part i believe to the increased workload of school. I should be back on top of it in a week or so. concurrently quitting porn hasn't actually been that hard so far. Video game urges started in strong the last couple days. Thankfully being busy helped avoid them, but I teetered pretty close to playing a few times. #justmadeit  

[Cam Adair]

Stay busy and be mindful of your emotions. If your cravings get intense, rewatch this video.

[B1ggl3fty]

Hey all, I'm back. I don't really want to dive into why I failed or what I can do going forward. I'm trying to stay off the grid as much as possible. But I think this site can still help me, and I'm really expanding my stop gaming journey to include youtube, netflix, browsing, and content consumption in general. Some positives since i left. I've been porn free for 120+ days now. My sex drive has normalized, I'm not constantly thinking about it but I'm more easily aroused by real world interactions with my girlfriend, or seeing a pretty lady etc. I've also lost 26 lbs since January, I'm down to 214 and hope to hit around 205-210, whatever ends up being a healthy low weight for me. 

I'm giving this a go again, because I really believe in my potential for exceptional productivity, achievement and social connection if I am able to cut out these mindless content consumption habits. Also, I am making a big push for this for my brain health, as I still have lingering symptoms from 2 concussions I suffered 2 years ago, and am hoping less screen time, more sleep, and a healthier lifestyle will help me get back to things I love like basketball and other sports. 

Here's to getting up and trying again. 

[Cam Adair]

Welcome back! 

[Piotr]

It's good to have you back. Congratulations on your porn quiting and deciding on starting a healthy lifestyle! The latter, really changed my mood for more positive, makes me feel stronger and I rarely get tired or soreness.