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i-g Post-Detox Journal


info-gatherer
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Day 35

Made a mistake. A lazy one. Spent the whole day sitting on the bed mindlessly browsing the net. Can’t remember the last time I had such a useless day. I think it was due to fear of failing my exam next week. Tomorrow I’ll do better. I won’t be scared.

At some point during my detox I started this habit of saying out loud every morning “what a wonderful day!”. And it’s always been a wonderful day when I said so. Tomorrow when I wake up I want to be grateful for the beautiful day I’m going to have, and I’ll say it out loud. Good night.

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Day 36

Had a shitty day until dinner time. Woke up late. Tried to write all day but I just couldn’t get be in the flow. Everything I wrote looked wrong, I deleted every sentence and rewrote it 20 times. Stayed hours in front of the PC without accomplishing anything. But after dinner, also thanks to my gf supporting me, I tried to shrug off the anxiety and wrote a page in 2-3 hours. It’s a good result, it saved the day. I am at page 2 now, goal is other 2 or 3 pages tomorrow and 2 or 3 on sunday, and finish the job on monday. I wrote 90 quality pages as my graduation essay so I can definitely write 10. I’ll do it.

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Studied 10 hours straight with a short 1 hour break for lunch, then cleaned the house and finally proceded to waste 3 hours watching memes on reddit (what the fuck, I hate memes, just watching them makes me depressed). Wrote 2 pages. It’s ok-ish. Tomorrow I will do better.

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Day 40

I studied so hard in the last few days. I made it 11 pages, tried the speech (finished reharsing right now) and spoke for 1 full hour without esitation, full confidence in what I have to say (except the beginning, need to repeat that part tomorrow morning before class). I’m 100% satistfied of the result, tomorrow is the big day and I will do my very very best to ace it

just 6 hours of sleep may be a problem, but I won’t be discouraged

I can’t remember the last time I went to bed this happy about myself

Edited by info-gatherer
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hello i-g!

Website blockers are a beautiful thing that IMO everyone must have on their pc.

On 5/11/2018 at 9:17 AM, info-gatherer said:

Day 35

Made a mistake. A lazy one. Spent the whole day sitting on the bed mindlessly browsing the net. Can’t remember the last time I had such a useless day. I think it was due to fear of failing my exam next week. Tomorrow I’ll do better. I won’t be scared.

At some point during my detox I started this habit of saying out loud every morning “what a wonderful day!”. And it’s always been a wonderful day when I said so. Tomorrow when I wake up I want to be grateful for the beautiful day I’m going to have, and I’ll say it out loud. Good night.

These days are just impossible to avoid, relying solely on your willpower. Just install ColdTurkey or Freedom or any other free distraction blocker.

You will be thanking yourself in the future.

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Day 41

I DID IT. ALL THE HARD WORK PAID OFF, FINALLY!

I made a very high level speech, probably the best of the class as of now, and also with some humour! I spoke in public and totally ACED it, I’m so happy

@taichi Thanks for the tip but there’s no specific website I wish to block ;) Also, I only surf from mobile

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22 hours ago, 16030669g said:

proud of you! mate!! please teach me the tips of giving a marvelous speech!! I want to be like u!!

I’m obviously not the right person to answer this question, but this last experience taught me that it all comes down to two things:

-preparation

-confidence

Preparation is about

1 studying, the effort you put into the project

2 rhetorics. as latin author Quintilianus explains, a good speech is made of inventio (good ideas), dispositio (organizing the different parts of the speech, knowing when to say that particular thing), actio (body gestures to support your points), elocutio (appropriate use of the language to convey ideas), memoria (remembering things).

Confidence is about rejecting fear, being aware that no one is probably going to judge you if you make a little mistake, and believing in what you say.

Hope this helps

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i have big problems in my confidence. I can't inhibit my fear and nervousness if i have to give a public speech or perform in front of my supervisors. 

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1 hour ago, 16030669g said:

i have big problems in my confidence. I can't inhibit my fear and nervousness if i have to give a public speech or perform in front of my supervisors. 

Then you need to make up for it with a superb preparation. Study very hard, plan the speech, try it many times until you get it right. It’ll get easier and easier every time, my mum told me that yesterday

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Day 42

I checked me and my friends’ LoL stats on op.gg

It was just a minute on a gaming website, but it’d been months since last time I did it and I’m posting now just because I want to remind myself that I’ve been quit for a long long time and I’m not going back. Videogames are not good for me. I’ll reach 1 year videogame-free and live the best life I can live. I’m done being a weak addict.

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2 hours ago, 16030669g said:

stay strong man!!! support you!!! i have the same goal as you, and today is the 7th day of my video game abstinence !

Very well done!!! A good start is the best way to do it!!

Day 43

Went to the classes, I have skipped classes in the last week because I was studying for the speech & writing my article. It was good going back, although I don’t like the new class that just started. It’s about the italian poet Saba and early XX century italian poetry in general. The professor doesn’t read the poems before commenting them, so it looks like a total waste of time. If I read the poems myself before class it may become a good course. But I don’t have much time because my next presentation is sheduled in less than 2 weeks. I should start studying asap but I’d like to go home to my parents for a day this weekend. I hope I manage to do both things as once.

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Day 50

The project I’ve been working on in the last week looks much easier than the previous one, but that’s just because the general level of the class is extremely low this time. This is dangerous: I must not underestimate it or I will do as bad as my collegues, or even worse if anxiety kicks in. I’m putting all the necessary effort in it but I’m being too much of a perfectionist. I don’t have time to do the perfect job, I must settle for a small little thing.

Good news are that I kinda reclaimed my post-dinner time. I’m studying or watching a movie or talking with my girlfriend. I seldom “mindlessly browse the net”. My main internet usage is in the vaping forum, and sometimes I really spend hours on it, but in the last few days not that much (probably less than 30 min a day). I already spent all my savings (600€) in vaping e-Liquids, that money were supposed to be spent on a trip abroad. To be honest, I realized that I’m not interested in traveling anymore. Last year I lived in Berlin for 5 months, next year I’m living in Paris, I really don’t feel like traveling anywhere. BUT I should have saved at least part of that money anyway. It’s the first time in my life I mindlessly spend tons of money. Never happened before. I’m a student, I have no income. Must be careful. Well I only have 50€ left and I better not waste them, I may need them sooner than I think.

Hug you all

Edited by info-gatherer
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Day 52

Studied all day and then cleaned the house. A friend of mine invited me out because she’s celebrating her 30th birthday. I don’t feel like going. Life is strange: she and her friends, a big group of people, passed under my window a minute ago and I had to come here and write this. I heard them talking and laughing while they’re going to a party. What’s holding me here, in my room, watching The Simpsons, instead of being with them, drinking and dancing? My room is quite clean. Not the usual den, not a place where I can hide and feel protected. Actually, those people are still in the street, 10 meters under my room. I feel so alone, and yet I don’t want to deal with them. Am I scared? What do I fear? Why can’t I share their enthusiasm? Experience says that I should just get dressed and go downstairs. But they are screaming so loud. I don’t like screaming. Maybe I don’t know joy anymore? I just want to be safe, inside my shell. I feel so lost. I’d like to cry but I can’t. What’s wrong with me? They’re singing happy birthday, F. They’re so happy. Those short-stories Carver wrote 50 years ago, I had almost forgot them. I feel blank.

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I would go if I could wear a mask, if life was more similar to the Internet and I didn’t have to show my face. I would just dance, and talk, and maybe reveal myself at the end. I’d find myself still awake at 6 AM on the roof of some building, watching the sunrise. I used to live like that not too many years ago. What happened?

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Day 55

Public speaking exam at 16PM, three hours from now. I didn’t do as good as the last time, because it was the first time for me working with Laws and Parlamentary discussion and I did some mistakes (I read the wrong stuff), but I think I achieved a decent global knowledge of the topic and I will do my best to ace it once again. I worked so hard. Yes, I did mistakes, but I am prepared overall. Fuck you Illidan. Let’s go.

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Aced it. Maybe my attitude was slightly wrong (know-it-all) but I did a good job. Happy about it. Now I go to tennis and I’ll probably journal again tonight because I really feel like doing it

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Day 56

Don’t know what to do today. I’d like to take a couple days off but I’ll do that in the weekend. I’m sitting on a chair in the library’s garden, doing nothing. Just the thought of studying gives me a headache right now. Guess I’ll keep sitting here until something happens.

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Day 57

Yesterday I put a cigarette in my mouth without lighting it. I mean, I often “put cigarettes in my mouth” without lighting them. my friends often ask me to roll a cigarette for them if their hands are busy, and I have no problem doing so because I am done with cigarettes and they don’t scare me. But yesterday I put a cigarette in my mouth because I wanted to taste the tobacco and I was missing it for just a minute. I didn’t light it, but a part of me wanted to. I am not going to light any cigarette for the rest of my life. It’s the right thing to do.

Almost 2 months without smoking. I see great health and energy benefits. I’m happy about it.

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That sounds the same as watching gaming content = putting the cigarette in mouth but not lighting it, huh. 

On 5/26/2018 at 11:30 PM, info-gatherer said:

Day 52

Studied all day and then cleaned the house. A friend of mine invited me out because she’s celebrating her 30th birthday. I don’t feel like going. Life is strange: she and her friends, a big group of people, passed under my window a minute ago and I had to come here and write this. I heard them talking and laughing while they’re going to a party. What’s holding me here, in my room, watching The Simpsons, instead of being with them, drinking and dancing? My room is quite clean. Not the usual den, not a place where I can hide and feel protected. Actually, those people are still in the street, 10 meters under my room. I feel so alone, and yet I don’t want to deal with them. Am I scared? What do I fear? Why can’t I share their enthusiasm? Experience says that I should just get dressed and go downstairs. But they are screaming so loud. I don’t like screaming. Maybe I don’t know joy anymore? I just want to be safe, inside my shell. I feel so lost. I’d like to cry but I can’t. What’s wrong with me? They’re singing happy birthday, F. They’re so happy. Those short-stories Carver wrote 50 years ago, I had almost forgot them. I feel blank.

One thing I remind myself of in situations like these is that people usually don't give a crap about others. So when approaching a group of people I might feel like they will be judging me, I have to come in there with a bang all alpha, I have to be funny etc etc. None of those are true. People genuinely don't give a shit. Think of how many times it happens at a party or event that somebody does something weird or embarrassing and people immediately forget and carry on with their thing. Everybody is worried about how he/she looks like in front of other people, which ironically makes them not care about others. So the pressure of thinking suddenly all eyes will be on you is fake. You can just go and hang out, talk to a random person on the edge of the group, no need to jump in the middle and breakdance you know? Of course that's not what you're deciding on, but that's how it can feel. Also, you can go for just 5 minutes to say hi and go back. This eases the pressure as well. Then, once you're in the social setting, things become easy and you will probably stay longer. 

Maybe this helps for next time?:p

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Hey @JustTom, thanks. Yes, I often have this problem that I feel judged, but more often I just feel uneasy for another reason. I’m the judgemental one. I don’t like to be with people that I find boring, uninteresting. I often prevent that by completely staying away from people but this way I end up feeling alone which is way worse.

I understood just now for the first time in my life that there are only two possible scenarios when I meet other people:

1 I find them boring or stupid and I judge them

2 I find them interesting and I feel judged, I do my best to impress them instead of being spontaneous

There’s no middle ground for me, all my life I spent time with people that I don’t like too much, that I feel somehow superior to, because whenever I meet people that in my head are worth something, I feel judged, I feel they are “too much” for me.

I’m sincerely thankful to you for helping me to understand this very important thing.

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Realizing what is going on inside is the most important thing to improve so that's good! I just like to spread my views, I don't want to seem like lecturing. I mean.. I'm struggling with issues myself so sorry if it comes out as hypocritical hahah.

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Day 59

I’ll take the weekend for relaxing. Actually, I’ so focused on university that I’m studying also when I am supposed to be relaxing, eg today on the beach or yesterday night until 1 AM, but that’s just because studying is slowly becoming again what it was when I started, 5 years ago: a passion, a search for knowledge, the ultimate goal. Studying mostly doesn’t feel as a burden anymore. I’m proud of myself.

Today I received a mail from Riot Games. Some ingame event is ENDING SOON, I need to login fast!!!! lol get lost riot games, you blackhearted drug dealers

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