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Day 1/90

Hello eveyone, 20 yo here. I joined this forum to push myself into quitting videogames. Some info about myself:

I realized I had a problem with gaming some months ago. I thought I could handle this but it just got worse. I've been doing some self improv like joining the gym, getting social, going out more. This because I also struggled with other personal issues. Escapism is the name of the problem, and even though I remind myself everytime i can that videogames will make things worse, I don't listen to myself.

I'm currently working on a novel. I'm halfway through and my mentor ( mexican writer who has just won a national award for a novella) has been supporting me and thinks I got a shot at this.

I'll reach the 90 mark and then decide what happens next.

If anyone messages me, I'll glady reply :)


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Day 2/90

A lil bit early but whatever.

I think what will be most difficult in this journey is the fact that videogames were the only think that I looked forward to during most of the days. I worked hard and fast to have time to play. But eventually it stopped being rewarding, like any other addiction. And I tried hard to make it work, to not give up this part of my life.

To think I lost my ability to enjoy something that I loved is overwhelming. It's something that I learned: somedays, the benefits of leaving this problem behind won't outweigh this sense of loss or rather safety. Because you basically become a drone, you move and think by the momentum of your past actions. You become a mindless animal and, whether you like it or not, you find some kind of peace in that.

I really like Interpol. There's a part in their "The depths" song that represents this predicament: "So many hours that I see before me, now the stars are out of view". Maybe the key to "overcome" this is to accept it. I'm not sure this will ever go away. There are other issues like this that I can't seem to get rid of and this one is very likely to become one of them. Perhaps the key is to accept that we are not free enough to simply choose to erase some parts of ourselves but we can still choose to deal with it, to struggle, to try.

I worked a bit in my novel today, though I'm a little stiff. I have tons of work for this weekend, luckily

If anyone here likes reading, I recommend "The myth of sisyphus" by Albert Camus. Overrated but necesary.

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Hey @Ech0,

I think starting the journal was the right move, its gonna take some time for your dopamine receptors, what makes you feel motivated and excited, like about playing games to become stable and start responding to other stimuli, gaming provides a hard and fast dose which is why you probably feel like a drone right now, because your recptors are used the high levels that gaming provides. One thing that has been working for me is changing the way I think about things and working to make them fun in my mind. For example, like you gaming was an escape for me, mainly responsibliites, I could game and the dopemine made feel good regardless if my life was going to shit, not healthy. Now I try to reframe and change my perspective on activities to create excitment, I ask myself why do I want this, I imagine myself feeling excellent when its done, I imagine that it has greater purpose, for example I have to develop a program and write a proposal for it, I have been imagining that this was not for school but real and is going to impact millions of people, this helps create, dopamine for me and makes it less burdensome. 

Hope this helps, im looking forward to following your journal and hearing more about your novel!  Good Luck!


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Day 3/90

Today was kind of a good day.

I hit the gym then worked on my college projects. I assisted to a meeting in a class and had a great time in a debate. I really left the room with a big smile.

I'm gonna get back in my track next monday. I can feel it. For the last month, I've been trying to met more girls, make new friends. Just trying to be more social, in general.

I had a great evening with a friend of mine.

The downside is that I feel the craving to feel this void with something else; alcohol mostly. There isn't a single day that goes by without the desire to get high. I know it's because I don't want to face the reality but that doesn't seem to help at all. Self destruction always seems to have the upper hand. The desire for self harm is always there, even when I'm laughing with my buddies. Like a itch that i can't erase. I know I will find a way to fuck up my life, to return to some old destructive habits that I replaced with gaming. All I can hope for is to be smarter now and get better

I insisted my friend to go out and drink but fortunately she couldn't drink due to some medicine.

I recommed watching Bojack Horseman. There's a quote that may help some of us around here: " It gets easier. Everyday gets a little easier. But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part. But it does get easier"

Good luck  and stay strong

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Dat 5/90

Yesterday was quite busy so I didn't have time to update my journal. Mia culpa

I got up early and assisted to a college activity to encourage reading and wrinting among teens and kids. Then I hit the gym like a goddamn beast. It was leg and shoulder day. I really like doing leg because I feel like I can always keep pushing myself to the limit and yesterday was no exception.

Then I got lunch and rested a lil bit while my sister finished doing some chores around the apartment.

Around 5 pm I went out to met a old acquaintance and got back around 9 pm. It was fun for the most part. I just have to moderate my alcohol drinking. I'm gonna met her again

Because I was out most of the day yesterday, I don't have time today to hit the gym. But at least is because I was social and not because of any videogame

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 Day 6/90

Okay so, as I said before, I have tons of work for maybe 2 weeks. I don't think I'll be able to go out this week ( or sleep at all). I'm gonna try to read other entries in the dairy journal topic.

It's been almost a week and I feel like it can be done. I don't know how I got this feeling. It can't last forever so I gotta keep working on myself.

I realized I tend to clench my teeth my teeth when I'm not fully engaged in an activity. I have to take care of this too

For my bros out there. It's a good idea to eliminate any trace of topics related to videogames. It's so stressful when you see Ubisoft ads pop up while working. Hit the nuclear button and keep it that way.

This acquaintance of mine is a walking red flag. She's got the full "daddy issues" package. Still, she's the only one available for the moment, so I'm gonna met her while looking for another opportunities. Oddly enough, I enjoyed her shit tests. And she can be so charming when she is looking for attention. I kinda know her history and, thus, know the pain she is going thru. Perhaps I can learn something from her.

Edited by Ech0
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Day 7/90

Today was okay, I guess. I felt very anxious but I couldn't tell exactly why. Maybe because I slept like 4 hours. I had extreme swings of humor. From "life is beautiful" to "I'm a shitty person and all the pain will never go away".

I gotta figure out how to turn my writing into my "new addiction". Obviously I don't want to do a rebound and become a workaholic. Instead,  I want to focus all my energy into things I wanna try, like writing and reading. If anyone has an idea how to do it, I'll appreciate to hear it.

I stumbled upon my favorite book a few hours ago, " On Heroes and Tombs " by Ernesto Sabato. I read a few lines and remembered why it's so worth it. I encourage to read it, especially if you're young, like me. It's a bit hard, but worth it.

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Those swings sound familiar- i went through the same thing during the first few weeks of the detox. As far as I can tell, its natural! You're trying to get rid of a behavior that you've been dependent on so long. As the weeks go on, you will stabilize into this 'new you' :) How's your novel going?

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Day 11/90

Wew. I've been working like crazy these days. 7-8 hours each day on my college projects. There was this urge for playing again but I know what's at stake. I have a full scholarship and, if I start playing again, I might risk my future.

 I can't remember some other interesting stuff from these last days. I thanked a friend for supporting me (letting me vent) and she dropped some brutal wisdom. She said, and I quote, " There's nothing to thank me for because I barely get to see you. If I had to hear everyday about the terrible choices you make because of your fear of rejection, of compromise and fear of being vulnerable, then yes, I'd appreciate it. But no." I laughed so hard when I heard it, maybe because she's almost right.

To @BigOlBeartic . I haven't been able to write much these last days. But, as my mentor said, I do have to work on it even if I cannot write. I'm almost always thinking about it, what to improve, how to continue it, how to make the characters more appealing, more natural. When I hit the gym or when I'm on my way to the college campus, I think about it. I'm very excited to finish it but also scared. I've been working like a possesed man on it. I gave it all for this project of mine. And it's scary because it's in situations like this, when you know you did the best you could, that you realize you have limitations. That, maybe, the best you did it's not enough. Still, I'm gonna finish it. I'm almost 2/3 through it. I hope to finish the first "version" by August. Then start editing and see what happens next. I'm sure my mentor can put me in touch with some publishers

I hope to visit the forums more often as soon as I finish all my work. Stay strong

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 23/90

I can't tell why I was so hesitant to write another entry. Even though I had time to do it. Maybe it was fear

I'm kind of lost for words. Maybe tomorrow I can upload a more detailed entry.

Stay strong

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