JoshD's Journal

[JoshD]

Day 1

Its funny how watching late night ted talks when you feel bad about yourself can really help turn your life around,  One minute I was browsing overwatch and monster hunter video's the next moment I realize this is all have been doing since Highschool,  and im in my mid twenties now.  So glad I found this website and watched that ted talk.  Now I am here ready to make a change.

Mental Illness and video games can be a candle in a dynamite shed, that was my experience at least.  I was playing overwatch late and night and everything started to fall apart mentally.  Its funny because the character I connected with the most in overwatch was Junkrat.  Im pretty sure Junkrat has a mental illness goin on with his character design which is why I found him so relate-able,  I don't know what happened after that but I end up in a psych ward again,  Thinking I was a junkrat, and could switch to any overwatch hero, I thought I was apart of the overwatch.  Don't get me wrong this isn't a hate journal, I guess its venting right now,  I think Overwatch is a great and successful game,  it can be addictive at times, and Its not responsible for screwing up my life,  it was me who didn't play responsibly, who stayed up late.  after leaving the psych ward I am back at my parents house in my mothers basement, again, playing video games,  You'd think Id learn, not for awhile.

it happened again, This time I was playing battle born,  copious amounts of it,  and I wanted to be Melka ( a character that is sorta like junkrat,). then after new meds and leaving that place we talk about coping.  I thought I can cope with videogames

I have been coping with video games,and when I sleep at night I dream of video games, specifically overwatch, which scares me a bit.  Used to dream about christian stuff, now I dream about video games,  I just want to not be addictied to anything....

Thankfully, I see a therapist and psychologist often which helps me out immensely.  I am also on great medication with minimal side effects,  

I join massage school recently, haven't studied yet because I have been gaming.  Today is study day and it is also day 1 of my journey, 

 

My goals,

 

Quit Gaming

become a Licensed Massage therapist

Study more

To go back to my college weight before all the mental stuff fell apart, So working out and watching what I eat.

To read at least 3 books a year ( starting small)

Meet new people and reach out when I need to.

Practice Qigong every day

Meditate

 

Looking forward to staring over again and meeting people on this awesome website :)

 

Edit: Forgot to say I was quitting gaming on my goal list x)

Edited April 9, 2018 by JoshD

[karabas]

Thanks so much for starting the journal! And congrats on making it to this step :)

I have some relatives who have battled with mental illness. I hope you're able to deal with both. I'm sure that removing games will be a very good step towards recovery in general.

Also, I totally know how you feel about looking at your life and not being happy with it. I'm a few months away from my 30th birthday and I've been gaming since age 6 or so. If you count how many hours I've spent on this stuff, I could've learned a few languages, earned an online degree on the side, etc.  But it's never too late to start changing!

Please do update and keep us in the loop. And you might want to watch this as a start:

 

[AssellusPrimus]

Looking forward to following your journey JoshD! I heard a great quote yesterday, the decisions we make it in the present determine our future! I love that your goal is  to meditate what a great practice to adopt. 

-S

[JoshD]

Day 2. Last night I told my parents about Game Quitters and the commitment I was making,  That was a weird conversation, but they seem supportive and glad.

My favorite quote of all time at the moment is... All the answers are within. Throughout my life I have been looking for answers externally and I have never really payed any attention to my inner intuition.  Its hard to see whats inside when your mind gets cloudy.  Videogames for me was like a state of hypnosis or almost like auto pilot,  I was going through the motions not really using my mind,  Games I played were usually tense and quick, I would be on the edge of my seat many many times, seeking that dopamine reaction.  that feeling of an epic win, always chasing it. and feeling bad when I lose or just adjusted to winning and seeking a new 60 dollar dopamine game.  Its an pretty bad cycle,  Its pretty much impossible to hear whats going on inside of you when you are glued to your seat playing videogames. Its like playing videogames and then when you turn it all off you realized you are hungry.  You didn't think of eating food while playing videogames cause your mind was sorta clouded.  What is your body telling you?  What is your mind telling you?  Think about what you are thinking about.  What is your spirit telling you?  ( I have no Idea, I am a beginner haha, this is just what I have been thinking about lately)

Today I want to start planning my days ahead of time which will help me stay busy instead of procrastinate.

To do :

Morning Qigong,

Study for exam and catch up on reading for massage school,

Therapy,

More Studying I will most likely be incorporating some music breaks and possibly a game quitters podcast break.

Give meditation a shot again.  ( I didn't do it yesterday cause I was procrastinating a lot.) 

Qigong class

Then relax and pack for school tomorrow

 

I noticed yesterday That I was browsing the Internet on my phone instead of playing games.  I was browsing boardgames and card games, Just seeing whats out there.  I used to do this with video games,  Gonna try to not browse as much and focus on my studies, music, family, and ted talk kind of stuff on youtube,

 

I will also be hopping on the game quitters discord every once in a while

Thinking about wheter or not I am going to journal in the morning or a night here on this forum

While I was taking a shower I had a really awesome thought.  

What can I do today to heal my Mind, Body, and Spirit, and How can I prepare for my future today?

 

Body: Workout a bit, since I am getting back into it I won't go super hard.

Mind: Meditate, Read

Spirit: Qigong, and Im not really sure what else could help with this but if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know hehe,  I tried the whole church thing out and it didn't really work for me, Too put a long rough story extremely short... I have been spiritually wounded by a manipulative person a few years ago which left a scar on my heart and beliefs, but I want to see if I can let all that junk go or learn how to cope with it. I used to be very close-minded and judgmental thanks to what that person lead me to believe, but now I am extremely openminded and I think for myself and respect other peoples beliefs and Ideas instead of listening and following whatever I hear, No more external motivation,  Everything needs to come inward.   Therapy is today so that will be awesome :)

Prepare?  Study for tests and catch up on the reading for massage school

[karabas]

1 hour ago, JoshD said:

Spirit: Qigong, and Im not really sure what else could help with this but if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know hehe,  I tried the whole church thing out and it didn't really work for me, Too put a long rough story extremely short... I have been spiritually wounded by a manipulative person a few years ago which left a scar on my heart and beliefs, but I want to see if I can let all that junk go or learn how to cope with it. I used to be very close-minded and judgmental thanks to what that person lead me to believe, but now I am extremely openminded and I think for myself and respect other peoples beliefs and Ideas instead of listening and following whatever I hear, No more external motivation,  Everything needs to come inward.   Therapy is today so that will be awesome :)

Oh boy - I'm Muslim, but I've been there and done that. Spent two years in a mentally/spiritually abusive relationship with a religious leader. I think the key is to remember that they're not God and they don't represent God and what they teach isn't what's really true about God. For me, after I started recovering from the abuse, I was actually very thankful for going through that experience, because it made me stronger (I am more ready to go and stand up against wrongs done to myself or to others) and because it made me able to quickly detect people who are religious charlatans and run the other way.

Muslims have a number of daily spiritual practices that focus on various things, but they are all rooted in our key belief, which is that God is one in all possible ways (there are not several gods, He's not made up of or divisible into parts, He's not in time or space, He's absolutely unlikely anything in His creation, etc). If you're interested in exploring those, let me know.

[JoshD]

30 minutes ago, karabas said:

Oh boy - I'm Muslim, but I've been there and done that. Spent two years in a mentally/spiritually abusive relationship with a religious leader. I think the key is to remember that they're not God and they don't represent God and what they teach isn't what's really true about God. For me, after I started recovering from the abuse, I was actually very thankful for going through that experience, because it made me stronger (I am more ready to go and stand up against wrongs done to myself or to others) and because it made me able to quickly detect people who are religious charlatans and run the other way.

Muslims have a number of daily spiritual practices that focus on various things, but they are all rooted in our key belief, which is that God is one in all possible ways (there are not several gods, He's not made up of or divisible into parts, He's not in time or space, He's absolutely unlikely anything in His creation, etc). If you're interested in exploring those, let me know.

Thats encouraging to hear that you feel that you are stronger because of it,  I think I am beginning to feel that and I feel like I am always on my tip toes around leaders now and like you say run the other way,  

Im trying not to get too political or spiritual for these forums but I think I needed to rephrase what I meant in my post about,  "I am interested healing my spirit feel free to give me any ideas "  I would appreciate these ideas in a private message instead of posting here just to keep things tidy and keep my journal and journal and less of a spiritual discussion board.  Thanks for reaching out to me tho karabas,  I will send ya a private message :)

[AssellusPrimus]

9 hours ago, JoshD said:

Spirit: Qigong, and Im not really sure what else could help with this but if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know hehe,  I tried the whole church thing out and it didn't really work for me, Too put a long rough story extremely short... I have been spiritually wounded by a manipulative person a few years ago which left a scar on my heart and beliefs, but I want to see if I can let all that junk go or learn how to cope with it. I used to be very close-minded and judgmental thanks to what that person lead me to believe, but now I am extremely openminded and I think for myself and respect other peoples beliefs and Ideas instead of listening and following whatever I hear, No more external motivation,  Everything needs to come inward.   Therapy is today so that will be awesome :)

Hey Josh, great question, today I spent some time sitting by a local river and just listening to the water and the birds, spirituality seems to be defined differently in various cultures for me its connecting with nature, having my skin against the grass, and taking a moment to be grateful for all the beautiful people and things that often appear in our life exactly when we need them! Spirtuatliy could almost be defined as something you feel/do while in a state of conscious awareness, some people would call it mindfulness.  

[JoshD]

Day 3

 

Just came back from Massage School,  I aced my anatomy quiz 37/37 points thanks to cramming 20 minutes of studying the day before.  Im thinking that I would be a much better student if I spent my time studying  and reading instead of gaming, So I want to give that a shot and see how that goes,  I will study every night a for awhile instead of cramming at the end.

 

I am also thinking about selling my consoles, to purchase a massage table for massage school.  I told my parents about it and they think that that move is foolish,  so its a complicated situation.  I think that they think that I am going through a phase of some sort,  I am just trying to break my old patterns and make a change,  My therapist is curious to see which way I will lean.  Don't know which way to lean yet...  I feel like the adult and risky move would be to sell the consoles, Keeping the consoles leaves me in the same spot I have been 2 years in a row, having game binges and then periods of rest then back to gaming.    I still play boardgames with friends and go out to see movies so I think my entertainment will be okay.

I know I have a tendency to go on autopilot at my house when I have free time. Autopilot as In go downstairs and game away while not even thinking about it.   Luckily I was able to catch myself at the top of the stairs.  "Whoa that was weird". I thought, it was automatic. but I was able to derail it,  That was my first urge since I started.  Good thing I caught that urge red handed and dealt with it with some "I won't Power". (I am learning about the different kinds of willpower, according to the book The Willpower Instinct). 

 

Now I think I will relax, study for a while, play some music, and maybe meditate some , Get ready for massage school tomorrow 

[karabas]

Why is selling consoles a risky move? If you're aiming to quit gaming for good, then there's no reason to keep them around. And honestly, they're such a waste of time. You can always entertain yourself in other ways, but those ways won't suck up your life like games can.

[Dannigan]

2 hours ago, JoshD said:

I am also thinking about selling my consoles, to purchase a massage table for massage school.  I told my parents about it and they think that that move is foolish,  so its a complicated situation.  I think that they think that I am going through a phase of some sort,  I am just trying to break my old patterns and make a change,  My therapist is curious to see which way I will lean.  Don't know which way to lean yet...  I feel like the adult and risky move would be to sell the consoles, Keeping the consoles leaves me in the same spot I have been 2 years in a row, having game binges and then periods of rest then back to gaming.    I still play boardgames with friends and go out to see movies so I think my entertainment will be okay.

@JoshD

It's wise of your therapist to give you responsibility to make your own decision.  But from an outsider's point of view, I must assert my position about this.  If I were you, I'd sell them, basically for the same reasons you already wrote. 

If it's harder for you to make this decision, I'd find some quiet time, sit down at your desk, and write down the pros and cons of keeping gaming consoles around you, while you are going through a 90 day detox AND attending school for massage therapy.  I'd be curious to see that list, by the way.......lol, although nothing would change my decision.

[JoshD]

Days 5 and 6

 

5 Was a busy day at massage school,  Learned a lot about myself,  There is a lot of growth ahead me, Things I need to let go in particular.  Its easier to notice these things when I am not looking forward to gaming or its easier to look within without the gaming illusion going on.

 

Day 6 Is going pretty well,  Will probably go on a run or walk my dogs.  Its such a beautiful day outside.  I will definitely do some qigong in nature today.  I'll be studying massage today and rehearsing music for a gig I have on Saturday,

 

Haven't sold the console yet but I think thats what I want to do.  My dad will probably say no and keep the ps4 cause it is actually his, tho he never plays it,  The xbox one and Nintendo switch I would be able to sell.

[JoshD]

On 4/11/2018 at 9:49 PM, Dannigan said:

@JoshD

It's wise of your therapist to give you responsibility to make your own decision.  But from an outsider's point of view, I must assert my position about this.  If I were you, I'd sell them, basically for the same reasons you already wrote. 

If it's harder for you to make this decision, I'd find some quiet time, sit down at your desk, and write down the pros and cons of keeping gaming consoles around you, while you are going through a 90 day detox AND attending school for massage therapy.  I'd be curious to see that list, by the way.......lol, although nothing would change my decision.

Thats a great Idea and that would be an interesting list,  I mean I am in my mid twenties and I don't really see the need for videogames anymore because I am starting to make a lot of friends at massage school and I am noticing there is a lot to do during the day, There is so much read and learn out there,  Music is one of my gifts and I want to practice that and massage so I can make the world a better place.  Videogames I see as a form of procrastination,  When I do want to procrastinate ,  I will go watch some Bob's Burgers or something that doesn't have an illusion aspect to it.  I don't know if that makes any sense but I see games as an illusion, I think I am "in" the videogames world, or I become that character kind of, When In reality I am staring at a screen, sitting down, and pressing buttons being stagnant.  I have been stagnant for too long.  so yeah, theres a sort of rant that fills you in on where I am at today, 

[Natelovesboardgames]

To anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship as an adult or in their childhood I recommend the book Broken Children, Grown Up Pain by Paul Hegstrom. It's a great resource for learning about why we learned to cope the way we did and what we can do to overcome and not just survive what happened.

[karabas]

@Natelovesboardgames: thanks, I'll check it out! I have a strong suspicion a LOT more people are dealing with this stuff than they let on.

JoshD, good going man! But don't let up on the journal - it's a key part of this :)

[JoshD]

Day 7

At this time last week I was on the back end of a 3 day binge of videogames and not studying or being in nature.  Yesterday was a nice day,  During meditation while I was looking inward, I heard a phrase :) and this phrase is like a principle that I carry with myself and there was lot of unpacking to do with it. I am starting to love looking inward,  I used to think meditation was all about calming the mind and just resting and distressing,  but When I add the element of looking inward and meditating on my purpose it gets a whole lot more interesting to me.  I would of never have noticed any of this if I was staring at a screen pressing buttons letting my mind wander and tense up.

 

Haven't had any cravings yet cause I have been keeping busy and staying off autopilot.

 

Tonight I have a music gig and I am excited to see the turn out, Today I will be practicing the set list, studying, looking inward, and working out.

11 hours ago, karabas said:

@Natelovesboardgames: thanks, I'll check it out! I have a strong suspicion a LOT more people are dealing with this stuff than they let on.

JoshD, good going man! But don't let up on the journal - it's a key part of this :)

Thanks! and okay,  If I don't post in the morning I will be posting at night, 

[JoshD]

Day 8

 

Included, Studying, Working at my local acupuncture studio helping my Qigong Teacher out, Exercising, meditating.  I met someone who has 40 years of meditation experience the other day and I want to meet this person again and ask them about their journey maybe she could recommend me a book or two or give me some tips.  I find myself looking inward now instead of gaming haha,

 

Feeling confident about this upcoming Anatomy quiz I have on Wednesday, Looking forward to therapy and school later this week.

[karabas]

Hey man, everything OK? I was away on a trip and it looks like you haven't posted since. Come back to us, bro!

[JoshD]

Welp,  I am definitely a videgame addict at the moment.  That was a huge relapse.  *exhale*

relapse super hard and for a long time.  This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  This isn't easy for me, I think I just need to change my habits but man that sounds like one heck of an uphill battle,  I guess the hardest part is looking at the big scary rollercoaster of life outside of gaming, Its like I need to build up to it somehow,  My studies have been lackluster.  I don't feel good about life,  I can't believe I am back,  infact I don't really, I am just sort of posting here to check in I guess, but I hope I can commit finally,

 

Fear of commitment has been a huge things for me all throughout my life.  I am not a very scheduled like kind of person,  I want to change,

I bought a book called get your sh*t together a few weeks back and I think I read the first 4 pages, and then went straight back to the TV,  autopilot.  Damn.  Rereading this has made me feel sort of sad,  almost like lost progress,  If I only kept up I could be somewhere else now instead of now.  

I don't really know what to say.  I won't give up, but even If I do, I can always try again. It just sucks tho, cause every time you fall back its like you don't believe in your willpower or something like that, I am not sure maybe its just my experience.  Other than I am here and I am a fighter and I will fighter this thing, but it sucks cause I am fighting me and my urges and what I want to do...

Gym,Reading,Studying,QIgong, hopefully I have willpower or the grit to do at least one of these consistently.

 

Tough mudder is coming up in September and I want to do it, 

[karabas]

Hey @JoshD, welcome back! Really glad to see you here again :)

That's OK on the relapse. You'll do better next time. Even if you relapse, just aim for shorter relapses and longer periods of time without games. Also look up the 5-second rule, that might help with some things.

And yeah, I know how you feel. Every single time I relapsed in the past, I'd feel like an absolute loser. I've learned to put that feeling away and just focus on getting back on track. I think the more we allow that feeling to stay, the longer the recovery is.

So yeah, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, ain't nothin gonna keep me down"... Smash Mouth had it right :)

[JoshD]

Addiction has a strong grip on me or I have a strong grip on it

 

update

 

graduated massage therapy school

dont want to massage strangers

 

new therapist specializing in EMDR therapy

 

25 years old and still in the basement

 

bought back my nintendo switch when I should of bought a computer to learn how to code

 

currently sitting at Starbucks reading a computer science book, python makes a lot of sense to me and I think I have potential here,  need a computer and a community college computer science degree if I want a job doing that

 

Might apply to the cable company to work as a cable guy,

 

 

i just need to stop wasting my time at the spa.

 

life is hard when trauma memories strikes and you want to cope

off to study and learn coding without a computer