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Ben

Quitting Forever - Starting Life

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On Friday I came back from my doctor's appointment annoyed that nothing had been fixed. Over the last few months I have had a few talks with my GP about concentration that stopped me from doing what I wanted to. Well in my last appointment they told me in a friendly manner that this didn't seem to be a medical issue and that I had just wired my brain to surf the internet and play games all day and needed to get out more.  Now I wasn't upset they said this as I already knew it, but I thought I must have had ADHD or some other issue that took the blame off myself and onto my brain so pumping myself full of meds would solve it. Being denied that diagnosis messed me up pretty bad, for a little while at least.

Now I realise this was the kick up the butt that I needed. Not only were they 100% right, but they had told me more about myself than I had realised in the last 3 years. Not only am I addicted to sitting here at my computer, surfing the net and gaming but I also have all the tools to change that. Not only am I slacking with my passion projects but I have every reason to try harder than ever. I didn't realise anxiety and discomfort were natural, I saw them as an excuse. I didn't realise the pain and depression I suffer when I'm alone was a symptom and not an cloud following me around. I am anti-social? That means I don't have to go outside, right? Hell no. I am not talented, so that means I don't have to try hard, right? Hell no. 

All the self-improvement talk is now clicking. Everything these gurus say is starting to make sense. I feel like my eyes are open for the first time in 3 years. Perhaps for the first time ever. As I describe the way I feel about games, I realised something. I liked the idea of gaming, but I didn't like gaming. I am no longer going to be that kid that waited all day at school to go home and play Call of Duty until night. I am no longer going to be that guy who keeps doing these stupid meaningless tasks just because they are presented in a shiny packaging. I am no longer the person I thought I was. Gaming isn't my identity. My usernames are not my identity. I realise that now and it doesn't scare. Games don't want what's best for me and I now see that clearly. 

I am slowly selling all my games, deleting accounts and uninstalling clients. I won't be a slave to Steam anymore. I had a list of games that I was looking forward to. I convinced myself these would be the ones that reignite that flame of my life again. I was deluded. I will work. I will socialise. I will have passion for what I do and I will have fun. I will become human again. 

Now I just need to be careful not to trade one addiction for another, or to crash and burn and return to routine.

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Good for you in shedding your gaming identity! I used to look forward to leaving work to go home and game, to the detriment of my work ethic. Now I don't have that and instead try to make the most of work itself and take pride in it.

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Good for you in shedding your gaming identity! I used to look forward to leaving work to go home and game, to the detriment of my work ethic. Now I don't have that and instead try to make the most of work itself and take pride in it.

Thanks and hopefully I can end up the same way.

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Thank you Cam. B|

Day 3 (Saturday and Sunday were more planning out this journey) -

Successfully worked through my to-do list today. Got up nice and early, went for a walk, came home and shaved + brushed teeth, Worked on my first youtube video (really happy with it so far), did some pushups and had dinner. Decided my task today would be go to the movies on my own. Not really healthy but I more went for the 30 minute walk there and back plus the short talk with the ticket/snack guys and being around people in the room. Plus I've never really gone anywhere on my own. The nerves did stack up before I left the house but other than that had no issues.

Was today a success?

Yes. I proved to myself I can be happy on my own. Stood out of my comfort zone. Going to the cinema probably isn't a big deal to most people but, well I don't care lol. A few thoughts about games but no serious urges. 

Just need to make sure not to overextend myself too much. Don't want to crash and burn.

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Hey Ben!

You're doing great! I really like your style of writing! :)

Uninstalling everything and throwing it away/selling (first option is better) is really hard to do, but I recommend to do it cold turkey. Just do it like it is a cleansing rite :) You'll feel much better within time! :)

How about you put some of your youtube videos here? This will give you not only more consistency, but also more views :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I am not quitting or anything but the reason I haven't been updating is because I have started to feel stressed, tired and insecure. I'm having a real hard time. I will try to update weekly instead and see how that goes. 

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Hey Ben. Thanks for sharing. It's normal to feel that way, but I want to challenge you to do something DIFFERENT. Instead of withdrawing and isolating yourself like you normally do in these situations, instead of hiding away and only updating once a week, post more, use this as a way to get things off your chest and to share more openly. When you're making a change like this, you want to be skeptical of the NORMAL WAYS that you respond to things, because those are the ways that have led you to the position you find yourself in now. So you actually have to almost do the opposite - at least to try it.

Read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown - it will help a lot.

Also, these videos can help:

Edited by Cam Adair

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I want to challenge you to do something DIFFERENT.

Cameron Adair Dare you to take a challenge! (pun intended :D) That's a spirit!

I have to add my "3 grosze" (I don't know if there's an idiom like "3 pennies" when you want to add something :)): Just try to write on a daily basis EVEN WITH ONE SENTENCE. I tries it out for about a month when I was really busy and it helped me A LOT at being consistent. Some of the examples I've written down:

  • TIRED AND EXHAUSTED!
  • NEED MORE TIME TO LEARN!
  • BEING OUTSIDE IS FANTASTIC!
  • I'M A REAL WARRIOR OF MODERN TIMES!
  • AHAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO CHANCE WITH ME, PANIC!

It's hard to find an excuse for writing ONE SENTENCE A DAY, so find an opportunity.

Good luck with this hint!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

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I am not quitting or anything but the reason I haven't been updating is because I have started to feel stressed, tired and insecure. I'm having a real hard time. I will try to update weekly instead and see how that goes. 

Hi Ben,

I think sharing your situation is necessary if you're having hard times. I already relapsed once after 45 days of no gaming. When I was about to relapse, I stopped writing daily journal. Before that, I wrote everyday, even if I spent the whole day doing nothing. I didn't write journal at that time because It was painful and embarrassing to write that I was not doing daily routine. If you have trouble, it's ok. Don't make mistake like me. If I had written something here before I relapse, maybe I could have got some advices or pep talks... And the result could have been different.

Of course your case can be different. But I think there's risk. It's not a huge task, is it? Writing some sentences everyday... The length doesn't matter... It will only take 5-10 minutes out of 1440 minutes of one day... right? Only about 0.5% of a day! Writing journal also helps us to stay calm and plan the next things. It's your life, and I don't have any rights to tell you what to do. So it's up to you. If you still think writing weekly is better, you can do as you want to...

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Thanks for the encouragement guys. Means a lot. I think I went about this the wrong way. I don't know if anybody else has read it but the people behind that RescueTime application made a cool document about how to achieve goals better. It's silly how badly I went about it. Oh well, at least I didn't go back to gaming. I think if I stick to small but consistent steps and realistic short term goals I can do this properly. Who cares if it takes 1 year or 50 years, I know what I want and how to get there, just need to go at my own pace.

Today was insanely stressful. I was so angry most of the time. I switched to my new youtube channel and am trying not to watch too many videos and if so, they have to be motivation or life gurus so that is a big problem so far. Going on there was my #1 stress relief. Luckily I calmed down a bit by the afternoon and started coding. I really like the way code academy works. Would be great to have an equivalent for other hobbies too. Half way through the first course which is pretty good so far.

Now I need to get a social hobby. Many motivators including Cam have talked about emotional intelligence, well I can tell now that one of the causes of my depression is loneliness. I guess it is obvious when you are an introvert but it is a lot more clear now. Hard to describe what I mean but hopefully you understand lol. 

I'm thinking maybe I should join local MMA training since you also get the fitness side and it would help me feel safer around town. Hopefully my family lets me lol.

Tomorrow I want to keep working on my 2nd video.

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Rescue time app si perfect! We can see clearly now where we spend the most of our time. Yeah imporant is step by step. You say i will read 1 page than other page etc. If you said i am going to read 60 pages of book you will fail. Be strong!

Edited by Onlysoul
i am grammar expert

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