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Why I fail 4 times and then succeed


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Thanks for the support you two, I appreciate it :)


Today I wasn't able to make a clean workout. I couldn't turn off my emotions and thoughts during the training so it resulted in a very sloppy result and even skipping some parts. I can tell that a personal conflict is slowly tearing me apart... but to be honest, there are 2 different ways how I can look at it.

On the one hand, yes it's sad that a personal conflict follows me all day and influences my results... but then there is the other side of it.

Things will come out the way that they have to. There is no reason to worry about anything. Just proceed with my goals and my work. Wake up early, Study a lot, train hard, eat good.... live a life that I can be proud of.

I am working more than usual during the next days in order to distract myself from the conflict but I think that I need to do more than that. I will try to redirect the energy of it and make it useful for myself.


I mean in the end it won't matter how much thought and negative energy I put into it, how much it drained from me and how much I "tried". I will simply stay positive towards the conflict and be sincere with myself, the rest will depend on the other part. That is really all about it: Be sincere to myself and be open for a solution and if the other part doesn't want to work on a solution with me, then I will need to work on a solution without the other part.

It's better to have a scary end than an endless scare.


I will need to remind myself of these sentences during the next days. I feel good right now and in a situation where I can think clearly about the situation; I need to remind myself of my real vision of the situation everytime my mind is clouded.


I feel scared but I wanna move on.

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I am trying to make a routinated day, but some circumstances are always interfering.

And that's how it will be during the next 4 days as well which is a good opportunity to be spontaneous and adapt to situations.

I need to get things done during days like days even though I won't be in my routine, which is kind of hard for me. Well I will try my best.


I'm happy that gaming isn't any urge anymore to me. But I still know that it's nothing to feel safe about, a relapse always lurks for when you have a weak time.

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Time to check in.

My last days haven't been very productive as expected but it was fine, I had some nice time with family and friends and my relationship is in a good state now after 2 big talks. I actually felt like going to the gym later on because I am so ambitious about my bodychanges but I have to focus more on studying, so today I will skip the cardio and instead learn. I already hit the gym yesterday with some lifting, so a break is fine anyway.

I was confronted yesterday with some "new cool changes" from the game that I was addicted to the most and as expected I had huuuuuuge urges to play during the last 24 hours. Like really huge, my mind was already trying to convince me that I could just go for a few rounds to check it out and just play some for the nostalgia and so on. But I just said no to myself.

Even though I didn't do anything productive and just binged through the day until now, I still didn't played and that's what counts. There is no little bit and I had a good rational view about it:

Why should I play it if I'm not aiming to use any of these "new cool changes", which means if I will play for a bit then the reason behind it would be to prepare for further game sessions and I don't want these to happen. It's amazing how different my view has changed during the last couple of weeks.


Anyway, I still need to get into a routine where I can be productive during the day and I'm beginning now with it. I will take more time for me during the next weeks and neglect any meetings in order to get more into the routine. There are always things interfering with it, so I don't have the chance to get used to it and anytime I'm back in my normal day pattern, it feels hard to get back into the productive routine.

Anyway, going to study and play some instruments before working.

I'm proud of making the decision to stay sober and aiming for the changes.

I feel very good about my relationship changes and my ambition.



Oh I should mention that I found a new "friend". I downloaded some motivational speeches that I'm listening to during some parts of my workout. I split the workout into a part where I have time to focus on myself and a part where I go for some cardio and while I do cardio I'm always listening to these speeches and the effects are insane. Honestly, this ritual is one of the most important things to me that let me grow my mind at the moment.

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Almost a week passed again since my last entry, wow!

I'm doing good and I feel fine. I was triggered once during the last couple of days because I got news about new changes of my old nemesis but I managed to get over that and the next day without any gaming and then the urges were gone, even though they had been insanely strong. I binged a lot during these days but I'll take the binge instead of a relapse any day.

My day is getting more and more a routine. I have little to no problems with waking up early by now, which is amazing. There hasn't been a single day during the last week where I went to bed past 11:30 pm, giving me the opportunity to start the day as early as I want while having enough sleep, which is a vital keypart for me.

Even though my pace is still quiet sloppy, in terms of study and generally during the last couple days, I'm still happy and proud about the changes and that the direction it takes is the right one.

One thing that bugs me though is that I have mood swings while being with my partner. Sometimes they just come out of nowhere but I understand where they come from. Even though we had some good talks during the last days, some things still remain unsolved and that bothers me and changes my mood. Those matters need to be resolved.

For some reason my brain is totally off right now :D Combine that with not speaking/writing english for a week and you get problems writing a decent entry :D


Anyway, let's focus:

I'm reviewing my changes with a happy face but I also need to look into the future and make plans. Today is the usual day where I take care of the household and prepare my meals. This stands on the plan for today. Since this won't fill out the whole day I'm going to add some reading and playing the instruments as well. Or Fitness. Actually I would need to do a workout today to stay in schedule. I have effectively 12 hours left to do all these things until I should prepare for sleeping, sounds doable.

For the next days I wanna focus on Discipline. And for that I have in mind to design my days like this:

- Treat your studies like a job, invest ca. 8 hours per day for them! 

~~> Wake up at 5:30 and start studying at 6:00. I will have a free day then from 14:00 for other things.

- Make a rough schedule for the time that you have left after 14:00

~~> Implement sports and hobbies into this time.

- Consider your worktime into your weekly routine

~~> Weekend evenings will be there to earn money.

- Synchronize schedule with your partner

~~> But don't just simply adapt to hers. It goes both ways and she needs to respect that. Having flexibility doesn't mean that your time isn't worth adapting for.


[[- and Dude, don't overdo it

~~> Yeah you're right... I will take monday as a rest day from everything and then review my week.]]

I feel like this could lead to a burnout and therefore to a dangerous situation but then again... having a completly free day from 14:00 on sounds like holiday on every day(except on weekends because I have to work on weekends) and motivates me a lot. Add then some sports and hobbies into this free time and just imagine the outcome in a couple of weeks. That is a lifestyle that I could be proud of.

I feel good and motivated!

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Very cool, Orange, you're really coming along. Now when you say binge instead of relapse, what are you referring to? Binging on food? Just curious. Glad you're sleeping better. This is important to me too.

Edited by Mettermrck
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Treat your studies like a job, invest ca. 8 hours per day for them!  -  Be aware! I made this mistake too and I repeatly failed. Check some videos on topic GTD! It's perfect thing to split big projects into smaller parts. It will be difficult but manageable. You have big ambition. BUT be aware because our mind is scared of big TASKS! Be strong.



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