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Why I fail 4 times and then succeed


tirEdOrange
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Hey there,

Welcome to my 4th attempt at living a lifestyle that I can be proud of.

Yesterday I was thinking quiet a lot about past events that happened to me and what probably was the trigger point for my addictions. I feel really relieved today after I wrote down the situation and process my feelings about these events. 7 years since those events and my emotions from back then still aren't digested yet.

It is 2pm over here and I had been quiet productive already. I can tell that there's a lot of positive energy inside me and I think that the people around me also see that. I should still read something and train some instruments before I head to sports but that's in like 5 hours so I have some free time.

 

Anyway, I have the urge to play right now since there is some free time. It seems like whenever I don't know what to do with my time that I have the urge to play and then just sit in for a couple of hours or the whole day. That's a trigger point that I will need to look out for.

Maybe I will set like a timer or something for a game that I hadn't been addicted to. No Online multiplayer features or something like that. 30 minutes and then I will force myself to quit. I will try this for now since I feel quiet stressed at the end of the day otherwise if I don't play anything at all.

Funny thing: I actually managed to wake up early today but I had no clue what I should do now with my free time so I just simply went back to bed and slept again. I should think about what to do in the morning if I wanna wake up early.

Drink a glass of water, eat a yoghurt. Go for cardio outside and then some bodyweight exercises at home, then shower and then some first yoga tries and meditation. Then breakfast and from the rest will be concluded tomorrow.

I feel great today.

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Heeey, welcome back to the fight! In the last attempts, you kept playing ANY game?

Not on my first 2 attempts. On the third one I tried to regulate it but I have to say that my last 2 attempts haven't been very clean. I have main problems with MMO and MOBAs that just keep me playing for hours and hours. I'm actually fine playing RPG or games in general without any online components (or playing them offline). I'm playing for example a small game with my girlfriend for 30 minutes and it is like a ritual for us to do so. But it's just those 30 minutes that we play together every day and have a good time with each other while doing so.

 

My plan from yesterday to stand up and jog early today was sabotaged by my girlfriend. Instead we ordered food and stayed up late yesterday which lead to a longer sleep. grrr. I'm also totally done from the workout yesterday.

I can't be too mad about it to be honest since she stands completly fine in her life and I don't wanna refuse her some stress depleting hours in the evening. I don't wanna be that egoistic. So let's just plan further:

I think a morning routine like this would be good though. I don't think that I will be able to wake up early during the next few days due to meeting with family and friends but I can at least start with my ritual on a later time and then simply start to wake up earlier during the next week. So tomorrow, no matter what time I will wake up, I will start the day with drinking a glass of water and eating a banana. Go for cardio outside and then some bodyweight exercises at home, then shower and then some first yoga tries and meditation.

But enough about tomorrow. I did some healthy grocery shopping today and spent a large time on writing about current events. I still need to make some clean up, which I will probably do after this entry. After that I will have like 2 1/2 hours before I go back to the gym. I wanna spend this time studying, reading a book and probably play some instruments. After gym I will have some old friends coming over.

I gamed today on a timer with 35 minutes and I'm completly fine ending the game after that and focus on other things. I think that such a timer and restriction is helping me big times right now.

I feel good today. Let's keep it up like this.

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A morning plan saves my day. Get up and walk, shower, eat a light breakfast and I'm off to a good start. But yeah I have to get to bed early to make it work. I also aim for an evening walk or even a midday walk on the weekends to keep me flexible for surprises 

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I woke up earlier today, went for a jog and realize how out of shape I am. Can't jog for 10 mins straight without getting some back problems. Anyway, this will be solved with more repetition in a couple of weeks. Didn't sleep a lot, still feel great.

I don't really know what to do with my time today though. I have the urge to just play through the day until I have a meeting in the evening but I need to somehow motivate myself and then do something that I can be proud of at the end of the day. I had a really hard time concentrating and motivating myself yesterday to do some studying so I set up for another 35 min. gaming session. I felt bad during it, since it was the second gaming session in 1 day, but afterwards I could totally focus on work for almost 2 hours until I had to go.

I feel like these time restricted gaming session are doing a good work right now but there will never be a way to use this on any kind of MMO or MOBA or even game with onlinefeatures, games that I had been addicted to, I'm aware of that. Only for games that I can instantly quit as soon as the alarm rings.

 

I don't feel as motivated and great as yesterday, I rather feel irritated but that's probably because there are some negative factors right now for my mood like I'm alone right now and my body hurts and I didn't sleep a lot and stuff like that. Anyway, gotta motivate myself and get done at least something. Every bit counts.

I will just clean up by best or binge watch TV by worst if I don't get myself up to anything else today. Luckily I will go out with family in the evening, that kills off a good amount of today and will surely brighten up my mood.

I feel okay today.

 

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It's such a time sink, isn't it? The worst is the weekends. I have huge 8-10 hr blocks of time to fill. I'm glad you have family around you. That helps...

Yeah, unplanned free time is definitly the worst and something I need to get distanced from. Like even when I relax I need a plan with what I want to relax so I don't just box with the urges that boredom will bring and then feel totally anxious instead of relaxed. Oh and on the family part... well I have like my parents and a brother but I'm having an intentionally huge gap to everyone else in my family since its history is filled with all kind of bad things. Addictions, abuse, poverty, carelessness to name a few which explains why I really can't rely on family. I would rather not know them to be honest but I'm thankful for my parents and my brother. Thanks :)

I don't wanna be too personal so don't answer if you don't feel like it but do you have any family around you?

 

 

Uff,... tough day incoming. I feel bad on a physical level due to allergy and lack of water/sleep but I will still hit the gym with an easier workout and need to work and then meet with friends in the evening. It's insane, no meetups for weeks and now I'm kinda having them every evening for a week. I'm not complaining, It's obviously helping, I'm just positively surprised. Even though all these meet-ups with food in the evening are disturbing my diet but whatever, it's not like it will hinder me that much.

Yesterday evening was a great experience with Dad and yea, I don't really know whatelse to write... can't form a single good thought right now (looking at you allergy). Just get through the day and get the stuff done, I guess I will need to be careful tomorrow when I will have a lot of free time.

I feel bad today but just on a physical level. My mind is actually very satisfied with yesterday. So I feel mentally rested but physically wasted. Today will be a fight but it's a fight with my body and not with my mind, which I welcome a lot.

 

 

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    I live with my mother actually in the condo next door to where my wife and I lived. We're separated right now and a good chance we're heading towards divorce. I'm not sure if these lifestyle changes of mine will be enough but I'm still doing them for me.

    My family is spread out all over the country and I hardly see them anymore. I've burned friendships and pushed many more friends away over the years. If you replace "video games" and "soda/fast food" with "drugs" and "alcohol", that's me, with similar consequences. 

    I'm grateful that even if I lose my marriage, my life will never get to that point again. I am at peace letting those addictions go. But I had to hit rock bottom to get there.

That's why I value family and friendship so much. I've wasted it over the years and now I want to build it back.

Edited by Mettermrck
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Sounds like you've been through some tough times, hope it is better by now. I totally get your feeling. I am in a relationship for many years but lately I have the feeling that I appreciate the changes that I seek over the current bondings. If I change my life to the better and she can still be a part of it that's really cool but it shouldn't stop me from living the life I want. I was isolated for long and see the value of bondings now so I'm also trying to make some new friends but I wanna let people be friends with the better version of me, so It will probably take some time but luckily I have this Journal until then. :)

 

I was completly right. Yesterday was a rough day but I totally rocked it. I got everything done and did really good but as expected I'm having the urge to game all day today since there are no plannings whatsoever. So let's structure the day.

I should definitly play some instruments again today! I totally got into it the last time. Let's continue that, maybe I can form a habit! Then there should also be some sports today, I feel great physically and can hit some weights today again. I should invest some time into cooking.

Hm... Maybe I should even prepare some meals today for almost the whole week? This sounds actually like a really good idea. I'm gonna clean up the kitchen, cook for the whole week and then clean it up again haha. That will save me some time for the next days and could also form a good habit.

--> Alright it is settled: meal prep, music and sports it is for today and I think that this will take quiet some time today.

 

Actually today is an important day for me. I was already thinking the last 2 weeks and made a personal deadline for today to make a good week schedule. My goals are to become really athletic in some points (endurance for e.g.) and to have good study schedule over the day. I'm gonna start off today by going to bed early. This will be amazing. Can't wait to hit some smaller milestones that are already set.

I feel excited and great.

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Yeah, I feel like waking up early will be a crucial part for productivity. I wanna focus on my sleeping habits during the next days and try to wake up and go instantly to a morning routine.

 

Today I woke up and had a huge urge to play games because I dreamt about some but did my morning routine for the first time and now I Feel great! I was trying to sleep early yesterday but it didn't worked so I just binge watched until I was tired. I'm actually not to blame for this because I was kept awake by somebody else but well, doesn't change the fact I didn't sleep early.

Yesterday was actually a personal important day because I decided for myself that I won't morph my daily planning depending on people around me which means, I will design my day the way I want it to be and I won't just design it around other peoples days. And it doesn't just stop there, I will generally be a lot more egoistic with my own choices and ideals and won't just please everyone around me. How could I pursue my goals otherwise?

Yesterday I spent a lot of time in preparing food for the week. Like, a looot of time haha. I guess it is because I did it for the first time and cooking 3-4 meals at once is kind of demanding so I just took my time with everything but it feels like a really good idea and habit. I don't have to cook or clean dishes during the week and healthy meals are always ready. Just need to warm up some frozen vegetables and I have a highly nutritous meal. It took me around 2 1/2 hours to prepare all and clean up afterwards but I think I still save some time and it will only get better the more often I do it. I also missed out on studying because it took so long but having a day where you just do sports and prepare food was a welcoming change. I feel like studying even more now today.

Considering the fact that I had huge urges to play that I had after waking up that are gone now after I did my morning routine I would say that I already won the day and it just started! Next thing to do is do some studies, play some instruments and read! Then sports in the evening.

I feel proud and very good. Let's keep this up!

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Good job precooking your meals! I'm not at that point though I do rigidly schedule my eating and snacking to control my calories. It's working but becoming a grind. You're doing great

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I managed to wake up early and do my morning routine, I'm overdoing it a little though. I feel kind of depleted and tired right now. I guess I'm a little bit too ambitious.

I actually had a relaxing time but waking up early and certain other factors like more cravings than usual and allergy are just depleting me. I gamed yesterday a little over my restricted time and I feel bad about it. This is kind of dangerous but I'm fine today.

I really wanna get a good night of sleep and reschedule myself tomorrow a little bit more. I wanna continue to work on my latest achievements and keep progressing.

 

I feel tired and depleted but hopeful about the next days

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It has been some days since my last entry.

I didn't relapse and was a little busy during the last days and there's something going on in me. It's kind of hard to describe what it is. I think that I'm currently in a change of mind, so I'm kind of awkward to be with at the moment. But it will be fine and everything will find it's way during the future, I'm certain of that. It's just that I am very careful about anything that I say or do in this current state....hm... anyway...

Since last week I am determined to design my monday in a way where I precook meals for the whole week, wash the dishes and do my laundry. I was asking my girlfriend is she would do all of this together with me and she started to argue about it. She agreed in the end but I felt all day like she dragged me down with her half commited attitude, her arguing and her carelessness. So I told her to go away and leave me alone because she annoyed me with her negative attitude towards my plans and her permanent bleating; I don't mind doing it all myself and if I'm alone then I would at least have a good environment that I can work with and where I can focus on the important parts instead of thinking about what would make her debate the least. So after she left me alone I had a really good time and fun pre-cooking my meals and kind of mentally preparing for the week.

Why am I pointing out this situation?

Well, it's one of the points that keeps throwing me back: I ask for permission.

I wanted my monday to be this way and I had a very great experience from it during the last week and today I was at a point where I wanted to quit my plans because of the toxic environment that I was in. But it wasn't me that was the problem. If I want my day to be like this then I should go on and do it like this and stop to wait for somebody to approve it and/or join me. Even though this kind of situation will turn into an argument sooner or later, it teached me something very important:

If you want to be great, stop asking for permission.

If my environment is toxic then I have to change my environment. If my dreams and plans are stupid, then let them be stupid for others. They are not stupid for me. If these people drag me down then I need to remove them from my work environment or create an environment where I can work for myself somewhere else. Today I had the courage to stand up for my plans and it was an important lesson for myself.

I feel enlightened and good but a little scared of the situation.

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It's weird how in your case, you have a girlfriend but you feel like she hinders your recovery sometimes. In my case, I'm separated from my wife and don't have to ask for permission but I feel incredibly lonely. Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side.

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I think in order to beat loneliness you have to seem like you are in peace with yourself. I had the loneliest childhood ever where all I did was sporting and learning but I never felt lonely, I felt like I had a purpose and the funniest thing about it was that people complained about me never having time and that made them want to be around me even more. I believe that you attract certain things as soon as you find a purpose for yourself.

 

So, I forced some talks with certain persons and I begin to understand the situation that I'm in.

If I would go for the emotional side then I would say that I'm really hurt. Their vision of me is rather that I'm a loser and that my time is worthless so I should rather spend my time supporting them instead of investing my time in any way into myself. I've tried a lot of things during the last couple of weeks but failed since I couldn't find my way yet but knowing now that this is how people view me, I fall back into my self destructive pattern. And I don't mean self destructive like in hurting myself with anything, it's more like pushing myself so much into every direction so I get out of my comfort zone, no matter what.

Now this sounds like a good thing and it is but I've been there before. What lies ahead at the end of this path is success but also loneliness and depression. The thought pattern behind it is somehow like this: <<If my life is worthless anyway, then I can at least not bother anyone and force myself to do things no matter my feelings about it>>.

It means, going for a jog no matter if my muscles ache. Go ahead and study, no matter how much I want to actually procrastinate or enjoy my time somehow. Eating anything that's not healthy? why? It's not like I deserve it anyway and food will start to taste better as soon as I quit all these addictive sugar bombs. If no one bothers about me because my personality doesn't work, then I might as well just bomb my old personality and kill it off until I'm somewhere else.

 

It's a fight with myself and the only thing that will accompany me are my dreams and hopes. There will be a lot of tears and emotions....

The good thing about it is that I've been there before and I know what lies in the end. This time I can prepare myself.

 

It's just sad that in order to be in peace with everyone else, I need to be in war with myself. I've been in war with myself for so many years, it was such a lonely battle but I guess it's time to go back into the fight. I've enjoyed my last years, they were calm and soothing for myself and I've learned things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise, even if I had been corrupted by certain factors like this addiction.

But it's time to get back into the fight. It's time to go back into the war with myself.

 

Today I declare a War against myself!

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I don't know what to write about except for my achievements during the last days:

I woke up early and studied for some hours, then went to sports. During the day I then prepared myself for the upcoming days and started to read some books. In the evening another sport unit.

Yesterday I was able to run a huge amount. It was a real fight against myself because my mind was struggling already after 1/3 but I made it until the end. It wasn't my body that was failing, it was just my mind because I even worked for 5 hours straight afterwards. I destroyed my old mindset yesterday and I will keep doing it.

I rather am a soldier in the war against myself than being the victim of my depression.

I have no urges to play at all but I feel unbalanced because of some personal conflicts with others. I begin to believe that these conflicts somehow gave me the drive to start being this focused on my goals...

 

I feel great today.

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 Yeah, I feel like a war against myself is the best description for how I feel about the situation. There is also a nice anecdote about this that helped me. I will probably come to it during the next days :)

 

Got stressed out today and went to the gym, even though I felt like resting. Didn't achieve anything, had to abort the training and felt a little defeated but I do realize now that this was an impulsive reaction. I should had listened to myself and instead rest today, dealing with my stress in another way (I felt like playing some instruments and I should had done it).

Anyway, there is no need to feel bad about this, I just shouldn't overdo the sports. I'm not in shape to endure that much sport.

I'm thinking about not taking any carbs during the next 2 days where I will need to rest and I think that it would be a good way to cut down on some fats.

At least I tried to cope differently with my stress and overdid it in the gym instead of gaming. My first impulse when being stressed was to go to the gym and not to game, that's huge. I'm proud of my achievements so far and want to keep going.

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That's what I want to.make sure of when I start going to the gym, that I take time to rest. I have a tendency to get impatient with my physical changes and weight loss that I'll overdo it and push hard every day and injure or wear myself out. Need to schedule rest now and then.

As for carbs, I just use the MyFitnessPal app to track food and I use CICO - calories in, calories out.  A lot of people on the loseit reddit use that and I find it's relaxing. I just eat whatever (no soda) and just keep it under my goal and add exercise.

 

Edited by Mettermrck
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I'm thinking about not taking any carbs during the next 2 days where I will need to rest and I think that it would be a good way to cut down on some fats.

Wow... that could be... a hard journey.... I can't live like that...

I hope you succeed!

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Yeah, losing weight is actually that simple. Burn more calories than you eat and do that for a certain period of time. The real challenge is staying motivated throughout this path so you don't break the cycle and lose your patience ;)
Not eating any carbs isn't that hard, there are a lot of delicious dishes that you still can do. Before I tried living with no carbs for a while I also thought that I could never do that. I'm not going for the low-carb diet anymore though.

 

Last 2 days had been filled with a lot of procrastination but I will get myself on track again today. I'm currently in a grey zone with a lot of things but I really, really, really like the way how this all goes. After just a week of training I can see first results and I am having good results in terms of studying and overall mental health.

I decided to fast for a day, so my body can get to some fat storages. I will probably do this again every now and then on "super-rest-days", days where I will take some time off and not learn nor train and just enjoy some time with movies and other things.

 

I feel like the last weeks has given me a quick start to a platform from which I can now judge my situation better and I gotta say that the air smells better up here. It's filled with faith, dreams and hopes and that makes all the difference.

I feel good about the fact that I decided to quit procrastinating all by myself because I had the urge to be productive.

I feel good and little bit more like a different person, which I approve a lot.

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Man i'm happy for you. Procrastination is currently my dearest friend and took almost everything of my life. Took my opportunities to grow, be better, learn something new. I dont fight with it anymore. I just start working and take actions. Be strong!

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