Follow Me on this Journey of Success! Ryan Page's 90+ Day Challenge Starts NOW!

[RyanGQ]

Hey Travis. Thanks for the kind words.

As far as my family goes, yeah, it's pretty crap. However, I try to not let it get to me. Before I would do that by immersing myself in games, but now, with only a year and 5 months until I'm done with highschool, I've decided it's time to come out of my shell and embrace change. My sister had to move out when she was around my age because she couldn't take the turmoil in the household, and she's told me many times that despite still having contact with our family, living on her own is so rewarding and liberating compared to being trapped by our family, and that I need to stay strong until I can leave the nest as well.

Yes, this was my first relationship. And yeah, I was a bit self conscious for not having a girlfriend until now. However, all of that is gone now. To be honest, I always tried to think rationally about it. If there's anything in our lives that shouldn't be a competition, it should be personal relationships. However, no matter how much I try to disassociate those feelings from my daily life, I believe that subconsciously, we're all on a certain level concerned with how other people see us. It's illogical and quite frankly pointless to try and put your life up to some sort of standard, or timeline, that you have to keep track of, that's completely based off of other people's expectations (for example, you should graduate college at this point, make this much money by this age, get married by this age, have a kid by this age, retire at this age, etc). When you really think about it, all that is is data that allows you to compare yourself to other people in an unhealthy way. For the most part, it was really just peer pressure that gets to you. It sucks being viewed as "the guy that doesn't get girls", especially when most of your friends have already lost their virginity (I never had sex with my ex-gf, thank god). My sister says the same thing about high school and how it all just seems funny after you graduate. Also, as far as some guys just "having it", I believe that as well. However, without the reference experience to back it up, I sometimes doubted myself. Going through this relationship has given me a newly found confidence in pursuing new relationships. Before I met Grace, I had never actually approached a girl that I was interested in, because I could never get over the approach anxiety. I still haven't - she was the one who approached me. It was all by chance honestly. Now, however, I think I'm finally ready to take the process into my own hands.

Thanks for being part of this community. I still feel new here, and I'm thankful to have so many like minded people to guide me along the way. It seems weird to say, but without those on the forum keeping me engaged and holding me accountable, I don't know if I could have followed through with all of this. This community really is something special. After coming out of the gaming community, as toxic as it is, it's a breath of fresh air to know that there are people out there who actually CARE about change and supporting each other to grow, rather than just finding a way to vent anger towards others.

[Ed]

Don't feel too bad about not having a girlfriend earlier.  I didn't have a girlfriend until after I left high school.

Breakups suck at any age and at least in my experience they don't get less painful as you get older.  But you have  better idea of what to expect.  And now you've had a girlfriend you know you'll get another one (occasionally you'll have some unfounded doubts).

It sounds like you're already doing what it's going to take to get yourself through this tough period.  You're a lot more mature about this than I was at the same age.

You're going to come out of this a better man.

[RyanGQ]

DAY TWENTY THREE - TWENTY FOUR

This is going to be a quick short post. It's 2016 now, and this year I'm really ready for change. The last two months, and specifically the last week of my life, have been some of the most transforming months of my life. First girlfriend, first breakup, gamequitters, reaching out to people again, wow. I feel a lot more alive than I used to.

Anyways, I went bowling yesterday with my friend and my sister, and then I came home and just chilled out until my mom came home from work. Nothing too crazy, but hey, it's not like I have a car to go anywhere anyways. I'm still thankful that I got to do something fun today and then spend the rest of the day with family. 

I'm going to go hang out with another friend on mine at the mall, and then we're apparently going to go play basketball with some friends of his he met at work. That sounds like fun, however, there's something you should know about me: I'm literally the worst basketball player on the planet. I'm pretty scared, but hopefully they're laid back people and they don't take it too seriously. At least I'm getting out the house.

Anyways, I've started to update my personal journal again. I haven't put any real work into it since the 21st of December, so for my new 2016 journal I'm going to have to fill in a lot of lost time. It's hard to find the divide between writing in the personal notebooks and the forum, so I'm probably going to fill a lot of the gap with stuff that I'm going to pull right out of here. In just a few short months, since September 28 when I started, I filled up 100 pages and wrote exactly 58104 words. That's the length of a short novel, and 100 pages was my goal when I first started, so I'm really proud to have hit it right on the money. 

Anyways, that's about it for today. Tremendous thanks to EVERYONE who has been here on the forums who have helped me work through these things. Here's to 2016! Let's all make it a fantastic one.

[Cam Adair]

Hey Ryan! I just want you to know I've read your post and I have a response I want to share but it's long so I need a few more days to get it done. But I'm here and thinking of you!

Keep hanging out with your friends for sure. It's important right now. Also this post on breakups helps me a lot. (I've been going through a breakup myself this past month.)

[kortheo]

I feel a lot more alive than I used to.

That's awesome. It's a great feeling. You're on the right path!

Keep hanging out with your friends for sure. It's important right now. Also this post on breakups helps me a lot. (I've been going through a breakup myself this past month.)

That's a great post. There are so many break-up articles written by women, but so few written by men actually able to be vulnerable about their experiences. It's refreshing.

Edited January 1, 2016 by kortheo

[RyanGQ]

DAY TWENTY FIVE THROUGH TWENTY SEVEN.

Thanks for all of the kind words. I'm still not giving up on the challenge, and I'm going to probably post the next update on the 30 day mark, which would be a third of the way through the challenge. I'm still in the process of sifting through all of the bullshit that comes with having a copious amount of free time on your hands, but I'm thankful to say that I've spent a decent amount of time hanging with friends and family (my sister also just got a puppy today - it's a husky and IT'S SO CUTE).

I feel like having made it almost a third of the way through the challenge, I need to start considering where I'm going with it. This first initial phase has been pretty simple for me, as I already had enough going on in my life that it would have kept me preoccupied from gaming by itself. Thinking about what a shit-show my life would have been had I kept gaming at the same rate I was before is something I don't even want to imagine. Now that I'm about to go back to school in two days, single once again, I'm going to have to worry about SAT's, ACT's, keeping my grades up, waking up early, and finding a balance between that and my social life. And on the topic of my social life, I'm also going to have to make a real effort to grow it and nurture it this time around, which as I've found out, takes a lot of effort.

Especially in an environment where approaching people always seems forced, in a setting where everyone is either a complete stranger or has known each other for years, a place where everyone is separated in their own cliques and groups, and where making one mistake can kill your reputation, it can be really daunting to try to reach out to new people at school. And that goes ten fold when you're talking about meeting girls. But what I've learned from my past is that this mindset comes from a place of "playing not to lose" instead of playing "to win". Being too scared to take a chance and make risky decisions socially hinders the experience of being social in the first place. Maybe I'm just a little bit freaked out because I've been mainly by myself or hanging out in small groups for the past couple of weeks, opposed to being back at school where over four thousand kids are crammed into one building. I just need to keep remembering to get outside; it's the one saving grace I have from getting overly anxious and lazy. Luckily I made it out to play basketball yesterday, but it left me with giant blisters on my big toes because I played in vans, which ended up making it too painful for me to even think about jogging today (not to mention me and my friend were up until 5:00am).

So I guess I can say that I'm excited, because it feels like a new chapter is opening up after the short introduction to the "new me" (hate that phrase) that started to blossom at the start of November. First came the game detox, relationship drama, family drama, and aspiration reexamination, and now comes the time for taking fucking ACTION to go out and do the things that I said I was going to do.

When it comes down to it, life is really that simple. You just have to say you're going to do something, and then go out and actually do it. What more do you want?

Anyways, I'd like to throw in one more thought that I've been conflicted with since I started this, and it has something to do with my past relationship. First and foremost, nothing has changed. Grace and I still haven't talked, and I have no plans of talking to her once again, as I've already said a billion times. What I'm concerned about is the feeling of "replacement". The feeling of being over her, but at the same time, not COMPLETELY over her.

It's like, I know for a fact that I have a genuine desire to go out and meet new people. And a big part of that, I'll admit unapologetically, is because I wanna go out and meet girls. It's just in my natural drive to want to go out and be around that female energy and interact with them, and perhaps find one (or some) to mess around with. But I hate the feeling that I'd only be doing this in order to fill some sort of void that was left by Grace. I still remember all of the good times that we had together, and I want to feel those things again. And they say that you can only love someone else if you truly love yourself, and I feel like I DO. But I have to ask, is it just a natural part of life that never goes away, for you to think about your ex, even when you're in pursuit of other new relationships?

I was asking my sister if it would be OK to take a new girl out on the same date that I took Grace out on. And it's weird because I'm caught between the rational side of my mind telling me that mini golf in the mall with the food court and movie theater right after is just a REALLY GREAT PLACE TO GO on a first date, but on the other hand, I can't shake the feeling that if I did that again, I'd be comparing every move I made to the first time I was there, almost as if I were trying to relive that day. The comparisons would keep popping up into my head like flowers in the spring. "Oh, I kissed her on that wall for the first time, should I try again?" "Oh, I already talked to her and made that joke about the artwork in this venue with her, is it cheating to do it again?" "Oh, we were holding hands by this point in the date, am I doing better / worse than last time?"

Maybe I'm just sad because I know that today is her birthday, and for most of our relationship past our first date, I really thought we were going to be together today (and not just be together, but "be together" for the first time too), and now I know that that just wasn't meant to be. Maybe it's just that I, admittedly, haven't really talked to a real girl outside of the internet in quite a while (not counting my sister). I don't know. I feel like after what I just went through, I'd be more open to the idea of an "open relationship", but just sorting out the technicalities in my head and fantasizing about what I'd like or wouldn't like really doesn't get me anywhere besides a cesspool of my own splooge and a downward spiral of laziness and depression. Until I actually go out and test my ability to meet someone new and move things forward, none of these questions are worth shit. They aren't things that I can even consider until I meet someone in the first place. I have a nasty habit of getting ahead of myself, as you can probably tell.

So what are some of your thoughts on this? In summary, I'm completely ready to move on from my last relationship, and I want to meet someone new. I don't hold any animosity towards my ex, and I'm in no way trying to make her jealous, or have any contact with her at all. I have an honest desire to start dating again, but I need to make sure I'm doing it out of a frame of simply giving out love and sharing that with another person, as opposed to being codependent and desperate (or thirsty, depending on what lingo your prefer). I guess that's what it all comes down to. My sister told me that the difference between the two are that when you're desperate, you care too much about whether or not it "works" or not. When you're coming from a frame of giving love and value, you're happy whether the girl likes you or not because you're happy just being yourself. And ironically, not being afraid of losing the girl (ie not being a people pleaser) is what makes the girl attracted in the first place. Trust me, after being friend-zoned all the way up until 10th grade, I know how you land in that trap, but thankfully I've learned from that and I'm no longer willing to be the king of "just-friends-land". 

Also, Cam, if you were planning some big response, I'm sorry if I haven't given you the proper amount of time to put it out before breaking in with another page long article, but if you do I'd love to hear it. Don't be in any rush for me, I know you're a busy dude. That article you sent me really resonated, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a breakup too. I hope everything works out, which it will, trust me. Things have a way of working themselves the way you want when you're a hustler! Just know we're all in the same boat. Whatever you're going through, there's some kid who's a decade younger than you going through the same thing, and there's probably some 37 year old man going through it too. It's just the circle of life; history repeating itself. The only difference is the people that we choose to be and how those people choose to deal with the challenges we face.

END.

[Laney]

Some of my friends enjoy taking girls to the same place as their first date. It allows them to compare the new girls to others, and I think it gives them a sense of comfort or control in a new/awkward situation. As you are already imagining issues with that date spot, this might not be the best idea for you. That one location seems charged with many feelings and you aren't in a place to detach from those to be 100% with a new person or be to be spontaneous in that spot.

Also I'd encourage you to not label your self worth off of being single or in a relationship. "I'm no longer willing to be the king of "just-friends-land"."  You've written it as a title. Earlier in your post you said you were comfortable with yourself, and I'm sure you are in many ways.  Try to ask yourself why you're insecure about being single, and about your motives for wanting a girlfriend.

I've been there, it was extremely hard for me to be motivated purely because of myself instead of because of wanting to impress and be good enough for the person I was dating. I still struggle with this, even, but now that I'm aware of it it's easier to work on things purely for myself instead of impressing others. It's similar to what your sister said, " When you're coming from a frame of giving love and value, you're happy whether the girl likes you or not because you're happy just being yourself." 

[RyanGQ]

As you are already imagining issues with that date spot, this might not be the best idea for you. That one location seems charged with many feelings and you aren't in a place to detach from those to be 100% with a new person or be to be spontaneous in that spot.

 Yeah, you're probably right about that. I'll think of something else I guess.

Also I'd encourage you to not label your self worth off of being single or in a relationship. "I'm no longer willing to be the king of "just-friends-land"."  You've written it as a title. Earlier in your post you said you were comfortable with yourself, and I'm sure you are in many ways.  Try to ask yourself why you're insecure about being single, and about your motives for wanting a girlfriend.

I already did that. I think you missed the point. I'm not labeling my self worth off of being single or not. What I was referring to was that I used to be overly nice to girls and didn't take chances in my interactions with them. In other words, I was a people pleaser; afraid of being "myself" in fear of what others would think. This lead me to get friend-zoned by a lot of girls that I had sexual interest in, but now, I'm done with that. So it's not that I'm insecure with being single at all. I really do want to meet girls just for the sole experiences that it brings. I'm just no longer willing to put myself through relationships where I'm obviously interested in a girl sexually when she doesn't feel the same way. I guess I'm following the same logic as Bill Burr. It's not that I'm misogynist. I just honestly don't think that it's worth it to be "friends" with a girl who you're attracted to if she isn't attracted to you back. Which is the main reason why, as I mentioned, my ex and I mutually decided that we wouldn't be friends after we broke up.

[Laney]

Ahh I see where you're coming from now, thank you for elaborating. I only read your most recent journal entry. I think that's a decent choice then for sure! Friendships should be easy, dependable and fun, not strained, hurting or awkward.

 

[RyanGQ]

DAY TWENTY EIGHT THROUGH THIRTY

So I've officially made it through one third of the challenge. I owe it to thank everyone who helped me through it thus far, so thank you.

I'm surprised that it's only day thirty to be honest. Time seems to be going a bit slower than I expected. Maybe that just means that I have a lot going on with school starting back up and all, but I'm still stoked. I was under the intention that I may have missed updating this on my 30 day mark which would have been a bummer, but alas, here we are. One thing I will say however is that it's fucking CRAZY that we're already over a week into 2016, and it feels like it just started yesterday! Time flies, if you let it. Gotta make shit happen. We'll get more into that in a minute.

Anyways, what's been up as of late? Well, since Monday, I've started my second semester of my junior year of high school, and so far it's been going alright. I should definitely start getting more sleep, because drifting off in class isn't going to cut it much longer, but luckily I haven't been hit with any assignments as of yet that I haven't been able to get done relatively quickly. However, this weekend I'm going to have to buckle down and start getting ahead on some of the more hefty projects that I know in the past I would have procrastinated on until the last minute. I'm determined to not let that shit happen to me again. Following that theme, I'm also determined to keep my grades up at least as high as they were last semester. And considering how much of a shithead I was going into last semester, I feel like I'll be more than fine this semester. Maybe that's because I feel a lot more confident and driven than I was five months ago, which isn't surprising because I was a fucking Counter Strike and Dark Souls addict back then. 

I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about school though. I sure am; every time I write about it I feel like a broken record. From now on, whenever I go on a tangent like that, I'm just going to write, "TLDR: I'm trying my best."

What's more exciting about going back to school, disregarding grades, is that I get to be around people again. Sitting with my friends at lunch is something I missed over the break, and it's something I'm looking forward to this semester, because me and one of my friends have talked about starting to merge our social circles with other people in a way. We'll see where that goes though, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. On top of that, it's good that I'm back on a steady workout schedule again, and I'm going to start seriously perusing reading soon. I have three books for AP-LANG that I'm going to have to read this semester, so I'm going to hammer those out as fast as I can. I checked them all out from the library to get ahead on them, but I only ordered one of them for myself to keep (The Great Gatsby) because that was the only one that I honestly think I'll really enjoy.

Other than those three books, I ordered three more of my own (so I ordered four books but I have to read six) that I'm going to read for pleasure and hopefully some insight. They are, The Art of War by Sun Tzu, The Way of Men by Jack Donovan, and The Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan. And yes, I know, the last one there is a Percy Jackson book, but I've been reading that series since elementary school and I've been putting off reading the tenth and final book in the series, so I feel like it's something I should have done a long time ago. And hey, they're pretty darn good. I'm hoping that by starting to read again, both for study and out of personal interest, I'll get back into the habit, because there's a LOT more books that I'm interested in. Like, enough that I could probably use a couple years to get them all down (I'm not Tai Lopez with his laser sensor eyes than can "read a book in a day" after all). 

I'm also looking into starting a diet that's been recommended by a number of different people who I look up to, which is a plus.

So I guess that's it. I really need to start writing more in my personal journal too. I started a post on new year's day that I meant to cover up on about a week or two of missed content because I was being too emo over my breakup to write. I got sidetracked and went to go hang out with friends that day, and low and behold, it's been an entire other week and I haven't put a single word into it. The longer I wait the more daunting it seems, and unfortunately it's about to be midnight and I don't have time to write in it now. I'm going to have some major explaining to do to future me, so this weekend, on top of SAT practice and reading, I'm going to have to grind that out too. It'll be good for me though, I have to remember that that's the entire reason I started writing in it in the first place. It just gets annoying having to say the same things over and over in this forum-blog thing and then transcribe it in a different way into my personal writings without just copying and pasting it all, which seems like it would be cheating, not to mention counter-productive.

So yeah, thanks for listening guys. I guess in summary, I'm just trying to do my best, like everybody else. I'm still not missing games whatsoever, and I'm gonna get through this. I promise. Other than that, if anything revolutionary happens, I'll let you guys know. This weekend is where I'm hoping to make some real strides, because it's where the actual new habits (reading / not procrastinating) are going to start kicking in.

LAST MINUTE EDIT: I forgot to say something I think is important, in a way. I just want to say that my ex-gf and I still haven't talked in school. In fact, we haven't even looked at each other. Maybe she's looked at me, but I haven't looked at her. Considering that she hasn't said a word to me, or even attempted to, goes to tell me that she's just as over it as I am. Which is fine, it's actually what I was hoping. The emo part of me sort of / kind of wishes that we had our last conversation face to face, just for "closure's" sake, but the better part of me knows that it's probably for the best that we just forget that either of us exist. Avoiding her has been much easier than expected - I'm just waiting until the awkward run-in during the 5th period bell that's bound to happen eventually. Oh well. I have my eyes open. I just wanna make sure that I act before my confidence goes away. I'll make it happen next week. I'm still struggling with sleep deprivation from waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am.

Peace out.

END.

[RyanGQ]

DAY THIRTY ONE THROUGH THIRTY THREE

So I've officially past the one month mark on the challenge. I'm nearly halfway done, so next Saturday, the 23rd, will mark the halfway point. I'm doing good, although feeling sick, and it's pretty dang cold outside, but other than that, I'm trying to keep my head above the sea of negativity and focus on what's good. I'm still talking here and there with my friends whenever I can, and I'm focusing on making plans with them this weekend. One of my friends actually told me that he wants to start to learn programming to make some money, so I asked him if he can come over to my house next weekend with his laptop so that we can sign up for codeacadamy together. If that goes through, that should be fun. If I can get a ride, I'd also like to make it to the movie theater to see the Revanant. Alejandro González Iñárritu is one of my new favorite directors after making Birdman, and Leonardo Dicaprio and Tom Hardy are two of my favorite actors. I haven't been to the movies since my first date with my ex, now that I think about it. Anyways, I'd hate to miss the chance to see that in theaters. Same goes for Star Wars. I guess it's time to go movie surfing.

Anyways, I don't want to write too much today, other than to say I've got a lot of work that I should try my hardest to get ahead on. I started reading a book called "Nickel and Dimed" by Barbara Ehrenreich for school, which isn't the best book I've ever read in terms of the story or the writing, but it's a book that I'm glad that I'm reading nonetheless because it's about this woman who goes off and pretends to be uneducated and "lower class", and tries to survive on low paying jobs like waitressing and housekeeping, just to see if it would be possible to do, and low and behold, it's almost impossible. The story really hits home with me because the way she describes the restaurant business, which my mother has been working in for the last couple of years, literally sounds like a living hell. It really started to hit me as to just how stressed my mom must be, working in those types of places and not making much money, so I can relate on some level to what she's going through. Shit's tough out here.

Other than that, I got a package in the mail today with four books and some knick-knacks, and I'm excited to start reading them. Only thing in my way is the schoolwork I've got going on. On top of all of the homework assignments I have for other classes, and the three books I have to read for language arts (Nickel and Dimed, The Great Gatsby, The things they Carried), I don't know when I'll be able to hit up the three books I've been looking to read for pleasure and insight (The Art of War, The Way of Men, The Blood of Olympus). I'll make it happen though. I banged out 45 pages of my school book last night, so this commitment to reading isn't just something that I'm saying I'm going to do, before promptly setting my books on my bookshelf (in the hollywood hills of course) to let them collect dust. I'm going to aim to make reading a daily thing like I used to back before Starcraft.

Something that I learned from Mark Manson (a writer who I now follow thank to Cam) in one of his posts about keeping hobbies going is that no matter how little you can commit to them due to whatever circumstances you're in, you have to make sure you do them every day. Can't work out? Do 30 jumping jacks. Can't meditate for half an hour? Do it for ten minutes. Just do something; the same goes for reading. I'm going to make it a goal to get AT LEAST ten pages done a night, but my goal is going to be a book a week, like most of the people on here. Unfortunately I can't read a book a day like Tai Lopez in the Hollywood Hills, but one a week seems like a reasonable goal, as long as they're not too long (good luck reading Atlas Shrugged in a week). 

On one last note, I noticed that my account on here has finally reached "veteran" status. I guess that means I'm really a part of this now, huh. It's weird. At the start of highschool, even a year ago, I NEVER would have believed you if you had told me that I would be part of an online movement of gamers striving to quit gaming for good. Just some food for thought I guess, as to how much different I really feel like I am since I started highscool. It all doesn't seem so far away, but looking back on it now, I can tell I've grown a lot. On a final note, there were two girls that I was looking forward to talking to today, but alas, neither of them were at school today. Oh well. Next time.

PS. It's cool to see that there are still new people joining into this community. Also, I watched the video of Cam on the Gavin Mcinnes show. He's not exactly someone I agree with on many things, but it's cool to see that this whole movement is getting some publicity.

END.

POST EDIT: 

Three things I'm thankful for: having friends to hang out with at lunch, having a bed to sleep in, and having a keyboard that I can use to type on to other people all around the globe. One thing I need to work on: writing more in my personal journal, which gets harder and harder to do the more I procrastinate on it. I'll get to it before this Saturday, promise.

Edited January 11, 2016 by RyanGQ

[Cam Adair]

Hey Ryan! Congrats on getting past your first month - that's awesome and a huge accomplishment to be proud of. Gavin's quite the character but the publicity is good. I'm hoping to use the Gavin interview to leap frog up to Joe Rogan sometime soon.

[RyanGQ]

I'm hoping to use the Gavin interview to leap frog up to Joe Rogan sometime soon.

That would be sick, you deserve it man!

And thanks. It's been crazy, and here's to making it even crazier. 

[Laney]

Sounds like things are going pretty well! I never would have guessed I'd be here on this forum quitting games either. I found I was missing out on certain activities I remembered I enjoyed (like movies or coffee) after my breakup a year ago. Try going to a movie by yourself, it's a pretty fun experience ;3 And of course with friends. But one of my best movie going times was when I was feeling a little down and wanted to see Inside Out. I went by myself and cried a bunch and loved it, haha.

The only book of yours I've read is The Great Gatsby. How weird.

[RyanGQ]

DAY THIRTY FOUR THROUGH THIRTY SIX

It's Thursday, January 14, 2016. This week has gone by in a really strange fashion. I think sleep deprivation has been a factor in that; my concentration during my waking hours during school has been abysmal, and my consciousness seems to give out at soon as I see my bed when I get home. It's a vicious cycle of staying up late because I can't sleep, hardly managing to stay awake in class because I'm so tired, instantly crashing when I'm at home around 5-6:00pm, and then repeating the cycle. I think today went a bit differently though, so I'm glad about that.

This week also feels really, really drawn out, since we only had a three day week last week. The workload just keeps piling up and I don't know where to start. My rallying call is, "I'll just catch up on the weekend", yet low and behold, the weekend flies by and I have no explanation and seemingly no memory of what the hell I did.

Anyways, despite feeling half alive and depressed as of late, I think I'm going to turn it around starting tomorrow. I've managed to keep my grades thus far decent enough to not have to worry too much about the make-up grind, but I know I could be doing better if I got my shit together. I don't know why, but I just felt really sad today. Kinda lonely in a sense. It's weird. Like something just isn't adding up. Maybe that's just what it means to be a teenager: feeling strangely shitty sometimes for no reason. When I think about it, nothing really happened per say. I guess I'll just sleep it off. 

Tomorrow is seemingly going to be a good day. I don't believe I have anything of too much importance in history, we're apparently watching a movie in math class, physics is going to be more note-taking, language arts is going to be a bitch (but I can take that), weight training always makes me feel better, and then lunch with my friends and finance is always a relief from all of the hard pressing stuff I've got going on early in the day. I guess I got a lucky schedule: I get to drone though all of the hard classes first and then finish off with physical activities, socializing, and learning about something that I'm interested in. On a side note, we're also planning a field trip between the language arts classes to go see some sort of play / performance in March, which should be fun. We'll see how that goes in time.

As far as friends go, I've still been trying to keep in contact with them. Most of them are just as busy as me, some of them have been pissing me off, and unfortunately but not to my surprise, my friend who's been dealing with depression hasn't gotten back to me. I figure though, if he wants to chat, he'll hit me up. It's not like he didn't get my text. I'm not going to force him out of his house if he really doesn't want to. One of my friends and I have been starting to formulate plans into starting a musical project together. Something just for fun, but we'll see where it takes us. We've gotten an offer to have it somewhat "produced" by this one kid that we're both kind of friends with, but I don't know if I'm so keen on that. He's this kid that I have to sit with in Language Arts, and despite being an honest and upfront guy, he isn't very socially savvy and gets on my nerves a LOT. Especially when he keeps pressing me about my relationship with my ex; as if he doesn't know that meaning of a "touchy subject". 

It's a pain in the ass to think about anything past school work though. Taking all gifted and AP classes takes up a lot of time. It's apparently all about the "pay out". Sacrifice your childhood freedom to take ass-loads of tests and cram TONS of useless information into your head, so that you can say that you're smarter than everybody else, so that you can get into a "good college" (which will run your bank account into the fucking grave for the next decade IF YOU'RE LUCKY), so that you can work your ass off some more, so that maybe in your 30's, you'll have a "nice life". 

As you can probably tell if you're reading this, staying positive sucks sometimes.

But it's not like I have a choice in the matter anyways. My mom won't take anything less than straight A's, and despite almost achieving that in what has been by far my hardest year of school in my life, she still believes that I'm a fucking moron and insists with great conviction that I'm going to do shit on my SAT on the 23rd. It's silly taking criticism from someone who's basically either tipsy or flat out wasted just about every time I see her, but it's annoying nonetheless having such an anchor on my mood in my household that I'm supposed to, out of the unwritten laws of human ethics and the universe, love unconditionally.

That's another thing: this three day weekend I've got going for me? Gone. With all of the work I've got to do, I completely forgot that my SAT test is just over a week away. I've got the study packet to do, so my entire weekend schedule planning has gone out the window in preparation to dive head first into that, after everything else. And by everything else, I also mean finishing reading just under three chapters of my history textbook in preparation for the test on the day we come back (because I know how much shit I'll be getting myself into if I fail to put 150% of my effort into that class this time around), finishing reading "Nickel and Dimed", a book that I thoroughly enjoy reading and plan on finishing tomorrow if I can help it, and then working on the discussion questions for our group Socratic seminar on it AND the major novel book report (which last semester over "Angela's Ashes" ended up at just over 11 pages and 5,000 words). I've also got to work on a practice re-write for an essay that I wrote on individuality vs. nationalism that ended up reading like it was written by a retarded goldfish, and then some. 

So yeah. Here's to being a busy bee. Sorry MLK, I'll have to celebrate your sacrifice some other time.

As far as talking to the LAY-DEEES (shoutout Bill Burr), I've decided that while I may have some sort of urge to "get back out there", it'll be better in the long run for me to give it a rest and recenter my focus back onto my own self development and getting back into a positive head space. I'm in no position to go jump into someone else's life, because if I did that at this point I'd feel like I was using them. In fact, just that line of reasoning is toxic on its own: "jump into someone else's life". A relationship should be about two people sharing their lives together, not one person leaching off of the other to replace the emotions lost by the absence of a past partner. The only pressing issue when it comes to this is that I feel the clock ticking. I've only got so much more time left before I'm legally an adult, and only so much more time left in high school as it is. I don't wanna miss any opportunities, you know? I figure if I'm not looking for anything serious, what's the harm? It'd probably be good for me if it's all coming from the frame of just being social. Once again, getting ahead of myself, I know. I should take my sister's advice and just take everything one day at a time, until I'm at a place where I feel at peace with myself and my environment. I'm hoping to hang out with her sometime soon. Being the younger sibling comes with its drawbacks, but having someone to lean on that acts as a role model in place of my shitty parents is a blessing in itself. Having that said sibling be a girl is a plus too - IDK if I'd want to have an older brother. Maybe a younger brother, but not an older one. Maybe that's just out of a masculine desire to lead those who are on an earlier path than us. I've often thought if I ever had a kid, I'd want a son (at least the first one).

So I'm gonna bum it out tomorrow, take it easy during the school day, and then get straight to grinding when I get home. Finishing that book is going to be the first objective, and maybe if I finish everything, I might even be able to start on another. 

Before I end this long, lengthy rant, that I swear to god I didn't intend to be this long, I need to make an assertion about myself: in order for me to really get my life on track, I need to start seeing MEASURABLE growth. The thing I've learned about myself is that I dabble in a lot of good habits, but I don't keep track of them often enough. I don't record my progress for long enough for them to become a serious habit, and I end up shutting off everything in my life at the first sign of depression. A cheat day turns into a 4 month long cheat frenzy, etc. So from now on, I'm going to make it a point to update this journal with a separate post EVERY SINGLE DAY, starting tomorrow. I'll either do it independently from major updates, or just throw them in on the bottom, and it's going to be to track my progress in different habits that I'm going to be trying to set up. 

As for the starting list of shit I want to change in my life, here's my first couple of HABITS:

1. Completing the morning ritual, which includes waking up on time, doing chores, meditation, and other things, to get my days started off productively (now that I think about it, it's time to revise this bitch).

2. Jogging around the block 5 laps per day, to stay fit and get fresh air.

3. Reading at least 20 pages per day of whatever I'm reading, to keep my mind sharp and learn about things I'm actually interested in.

4. Getting in touch with at least one person a day, to stay sane.

5. (Here's the big one) - DOING MY HOMEWORK AS SOON AS I GET HOME INSTEAD OF PROCRASTINATING, before I end up resorting to coke or 5 hour energy to stay awake.

6. Writing in my personal journal at least once a week to vent my feelings (which I've been avoiding by using this forum for some time).

And this is just the start. I'm going to be doing a 30 day challenge for these 5 habits, which will end on day 66 of the no-game challenge. Keep in mind, I'm not quitting these after 30 days, and will continue to keep track of them, but it's just to put emphasis on these 5 things specifically. After 30 days, heading towards day 96 of this no gaming challenge, I'll be adding five more new habits to work on.

Some of what I had in mind would include:

Going on a serious diet, which I've avoided for a long time, because my supply of food comes strictly from my mother, who never buys healthy food, because she doesn't believe that I'd actually eat it.

Taking vitamin / nutritional supplements daily to stay healthier (including protein shakes that i used to take on a regular basis), which I've avoided because I know little about nutrition and I heard that shit's expensive.

Playing chess on a regular basis, which I've avoided because I'm not exactly sure where to join (and I'm not going to online chess because I'd get lost in it just like with video games). 

Yoga, which I've avoided because I don't even know where to start and I don't exactly know what it really is to be honest.

Learning computer programming, which I've avoided because on top of school it just felt like taking another class.

Starting my own meth lab -  JK, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

Looking more into taking care of my appearance and style, which I just don't have the resources (FUEL UNITS) to explore with right now.

And more to come as I get some better ideas.

Anyways, expect this to start tomorrow. I need some REAL SLEEP tonight. 12:00pm is cutting it too close and I've already been writing for over an hour. I'm not gonna go back to edit this, lol.

Three things I'm thankful for: having a sort-of nice view out my window, the upcoming spring season where everything is going to look beautiful, and 4G data that makes it possible to listen to music wherever I am. One thing I need to work on: getting this whole habit thing up and running. I've attempted something like this in the past, but having it be on my own motivation, I didn't have anybody kicking my ass if I fell short of my potential. Now that this is going to be a public thing, on a public forum, I'm hoping you guys will be kicking my ass to stay at my best from here on out   Hope everyone reading this far down has an awesome day, week, month, year, decade, especially for making it this far. We in this.

END.

Edited January 15, 2016 by RyanGQ

[Cam Adair]

Hey dude. For tracking habits, use your journal or an app like Coach.me (or both). I like coach.me because it visualizes your streaks well and using it had me take my vitamins something like over 400 days in a row. I didn't want to break the streak

Otherwise, I read your entire post and I want you to know you're on the right path. Although there's a lot you're dealing with, school, emotions, loneliness, lack of sleep, etc, all of this is exactly where you need to be. Think of it this way:

What if where you were right now was happening for you instead of to you. If it was happening for you, all of these challenges are going to be a catalyst in your life to help you get to where you want to go, whereas if it's happening to you, then you're a victim of your circumstances. 

Remember one thing, although right now you are taking all AP classes to get into a good college, more than that it's opening up different opportunities for you. So sure, most of your friends will end up going to college and living the typical life plan, you don't have to. And by investing in yourself now (taking AP classes, building good habits, being a part of this community), you will begin to formulate what you really want to do. Maybe that involves studying abroad (which your better grades will help you with), or starting your own business at some point , etc. The possibilities are limitless, and the more you can create opportunities for yourself now, the more flexibility you will have in the future.

[RyanGQ]

DAY THIRTY SEVEN THROUGH FORTY

So a lot's been going on. I read over a hundred pages of my reading book this weekend (and finished it), and I'm about to do some more reading out of my history textbook to study before I got to sleep. I got out of the house to go grocery shopping with my mom, hit up a couple friends to talk over the weekend, I worked out today, I've been eating healthier, and I'm ready for school tomorrow (got my clothes picked out and everything). 

Most importantly, I started writing in my journal again. I had been avoiding it for a long ass time, but I finally got to it. The update that I put in there took me Saturday as well as tonight to finish, but I got it done. 26 pages in only two writing sessions (over 8,000 words), which isn't too bad. Most of it was just commentary and updates over what has happened since January 23, so a lot of the text in there was just copied and pasted from blog posts for context, but I went back through everything that I've written here on the blog, commentated over it, and have given myself a clarified perspective on what I've been going through with my relationship drama and the changes I'm trying to make. 

Something that I learned through reading my posts was that:

1) I tried to move on from my relationship WAY too fucking quickly. Jesus Christ, I was thinking about trying to get a rebound less than a week after my breakup. What was I THINKING? Well, obviously, I wasn't thinking clearly, given everything that had happened, but looking back on it, I needed WAY more time to get over that.

2) I try to force change too quickly and end up dibble dabbling in things. No more of that. In my defense, I was planning on starting the habit challenges starting on this Tuesday (tomorrow) because given a more strict time schedule (in which I'm forced to wake up and work out for school) it seemed like more of an appropriate time to start this whole new journey. So starting tomorrow, I'm gonna start getting that ball rolling, believe it.

Crazy to think it's already been forty days since I stopped playing video games. But I'm trying to think of it more in the way of how Cam was talking in his last video, about not focusing on the "not playing games" part and focusing more on actually changing more in your life. It's slow, but it's the little .01% changes that add up over time that make the difference. 

I read one of Mark Manson's posts about creating habits and the investing mindset, and that's what I've been trying to focus on. It's not about what you're getting or what you've gotten, it's about who you're becoming. You get what you deserve; who you are determines what you'll get in the long run. I don't know how to put this into words in a very cohesive fashion, but I hope whoever's reading get's the gist of it. 

So yeah, that's that. I also worked on an art piece for me and my friend's sort of joke "mixtape" that we're making. It's a work in progress, but I think I've got a pretty decent outline for what we want. He's gonna start on his own and then we're gonna combine ideas, so I'll talk to him tomorrow about that.

Hey dude. For tracking habits, use your journal or an app like Coach.me (or both). I like coach.me because it visualizes your streaks well and using it had me take my vitamins something like over 400 days in a row. I didn't want to break the streak

I've decided to just do it the traditional route and just track it in here. Too much to focus on dealing with an app and the journal all at once, plus I've been trying to avoid using my phone as much as possible. I, as well as most of my generation, tend to use it as a crutch for boredom. It's like a heroin needle to some of these kids, man. I find that I can be too easily distracted when I'm constantly checking it, so I try to put it away whenever I don't absolutely need it. Removing apps like ifunny, reddit, and all of my mobile games has definitely had a positive impact on that though.

Otherwise, I read your entire post and I want you to know you're on the right path. Although there's a lot you're dealing with, school, emotions, loneliness, lack of sleep, etc, all of this is exactly where you need to be. Think of it this way:

What if where you were right now was happening for you instead of to you. If it was happening for you, all of these challenges are going to be a catalyst in your life to help you get to where you want to go, whereas if it's happening to you, then you're a victim of your circumstances.

You're right. I've got to think about it like that. In fact, I was watching a video from some of the RSD instructors (self development / dating coach guys) who made a video together with a theme like that (had Brandon Carter, James Swanwick, and Glenn in it, you might have heard of them maybe). They talked about how a lot of your success it depended on how you view things. Like, maybe, for instance, if you're not the best looking guy, and you come from a lower class family, the hardships that you go through when you're younger will turn you into a much more interesting and driven person when you're older. But even if that's not true, and it really is just better to be the 6 foot 7 supermodel jock with a huge cock and a billionaire Bugatti, how does crying about me NOT having any of that help me? It simply doesn't. Perpetuating negativity does nothing. That's something I'm trying to get better at.

Remember one thing, although right now you are taking all AP classes to get into a good college, more than that it's opening up different opportunities for you. So sure, most of your friends will end up going to college and living the typical life plan, you don't have to. And by investing in yourself now (taking AP classes, building good habits, being a part of this community), you will begin to formulate what you really want to do. Maybe that involves studying abroad (which your better grades will help you with), or starting your own business at some point , etc. The possibilities are limitless, and the more you can create opportunities for yourself now, the more flexibility you will have in the future.  

Thanks for this, it's what I needed to hear. The way I see it is that no matter how "bad" it turns out, it can't really turn out "that bad". In America, as long as you don't end up a crack addict or too lazy to work a job (as long as you don't end up pumping out 10 kids you can't pay for), you can at least make it by in a trailer or something. And even if the next 5 or so years of my life have to be half taken up by schooling and the other half taken up by working, it'll still leave me with a degree and little to no debt if I play my cards right. 

Anyways, that's it for now. Thanks for everything guys! Peace.

END. 

Edited January 19, 2016 by RyanGQ

[RyanGQ]

DAY FORTY ONE (HABITS DAY 1)

Morning Ritual - Check.

Reading - Check (read "The Art of War" - around 45 pages).

Hitting up friends - Check.

Homework - Doing it as soon as I'm done writing this.

Writing this week - Check. 

Jogging - Not today. I felt really sick today, I got checked out from school. I worked out yesterday pretty good so I'm taking a breather today. Plus, it's like 10 degrees outside. No thanks.

Anyways, I'm on skype with a friend. Short post, but not much to say. Peace.

END.

Three things I'm thankful for: My mousepad, orange juice, and artwork. One thing I need to improve on: my diet.

[Cam Adair]

How are you liking The Art of War?

[RyanGQ]

DAY FORTY TWO (HABITS DAY 2)

Morning Ritual - Check.

Reading - Check (read all the way to page 87 of "The Way of Men" by Jack Donovan - very interesting read on the objective view of masculinity)

Hitting up Friends - Check.

Homework - yeah pretty much check.

Writing (by Monday) - Check.

Jogging - I worked out today, but I didn't jog. It was raining outside all day and it's like 10 degrees, plus I got leg day tomorrow anyways (and I skipped yesterday because I was sick) so I'm gonna hit it hard tomorrow.

NoFap / NoPorn (starting today) - Had one last wank, we'll see how it goes from here. I'm trying to get my libido back and I heard that nofap was a good way to do that. I was planning on talking to this one girl after class today but she got out the door and I lost her before I got the chance. We'll see how that goes too.

How are you liking The Art of War?

Well I already read it, I've got to say it was pretty interesting. I don't know if I picked up on all of the metaphorical nuances that are apparently in the book in relation to things like business and such, but it was a quick read anyways. I'm letting a friend borrow it for now.

[RyanGQ]

DAY FORTY THREE (HABITS DAY 3)

Morning Ritual - Check.

Reading - Check; read two more chapters of "The Way of Men". It's getting a bit more interesting towards the end. I'm thinking about starting some sort of personal book journal to record the information that I'm taking out of these books so that I don't just blow through them and forget everything. I'm only on my third book this month, but one of them was short and the other I'm being forced to reexamine for school anyways, and the next book I plan on reading is fiction (and it's a longer one - 608 pages), so we'll see if I get to that when I finish up these couple books and get another haul in.

Hitting up Friends - Check.

Homework - About to get on it.

Writing (by Monday) - Check.

Jogging - Hard ass leg workout today in the gym. Squats, split squats, extension machine, RDL's, abs.

NoFap / NoPorn - Still check. Gonna see how long I can go on the masturbation front, but I'm gonna commit to not looking at porn whatsoever. I'm gonna small chunk it. A week without indulgence is my goal for now, but I think that's the longest I've ever gone. It's weird to think that having hit puberty when I was in 4th grade (I was probably around 9 years old), my fap count is probably somewhere in the quadruple digits by now. 

Anyways, what's going on? I've got my SAT in 2 days, and I'm managing to scrape by with homework and grades and stuff. Right now, things aren't "up to snuff" grade-wise, I had a couple of blunders. But the beginning of the year is always where I fuck up, and I usually take it back by the end. I'm doing better in history than I was last semester by a long shot, I still have a 100 in math but I have some work to do tonight to keep that grade there, physics is pretty rough right now but I'm not failing (I think I've got a B), language arts is going to be tough but I've gotten ahead on reading and vocab studying so all I really have to work on is my essay writing and projects. For some reason I got a 75 for weight training last week, but over time, you always end up with an A in that class as long as you show up and show progress. I also had a blunder on a finance test - got a C on it. I'm gonna pull it all back though. If anything I'm more committed than I've ever been so I've got my hopes up, I just need to prioritize very carefully. 

Tomorrow I'm going to be heading out to Athens after school to visit my sister, and then come home and grind study for my SAT on Saturday. Even if I don't do good on my SAT, I'm also going to be taking the redesigned version of it in two to three months as well, so I'm viewing this one as more of a precursor to what's going to be on the next one, which I'll almost definitely do better on. This upcoming Monday there's going to be a party at my friend's work, which is most likely going to be very, VERY lit, so I'm going to see if I can make it out to that too. That's really all that's been up. Anyways, I've gotta get on this homework and finish up what I need to finish for tomorrow. TGIF and peace out.

END.

[Cam Adair]

I'm thinking about starting some sort of personal book journal to record the information that I'm taking out of these books so that I don't just blow through them and forget everything.

Book section on the forum could be a good spot to share "Cliff notes" of the books we read. We can all expand on the books too. Something to think about.

[RyanGQ]

DAY FORTY FOUR (HABITS DAY 4)

Morning Ritual - Check.

Reading - I'm going to read one chapter before I go to bed, and I don't plan on going to bed until pretty late tonight. 

Hitting up friends - Not so much today, pretty much just chilled at home, literally. It was raining ice earlier and the roads are frozen. Can't go anywhere.

Homework - It's the weekend now, so I'm going to get some of my longer term homework done Saturday afternoon and Sunday to free up my week.

Writing (by Monday) - Check. 

Jogging - As I said before, I'm not about to go jogging so that I can slip on the icy sidewalks and get hypothermia. I still worked out today though.

NoFap / NoPorn - I fucked up last night, I'll admit. But tonight I'm just not feeling it. Considering I've got the party coming up on Monday, a new weeks breeds new opportunities to talk to the females and I'm really looking forward to where things are headed.

So this was a short one. I'm still looking into different vitamin supplements to take, and I need to go clothes shopping some time soon. Also, I'm going to see my sister in Athens tomorrow because she's sick and we want to see the puppy. Also, my SAT was cancelled due to the storm and I don't know when it's going to take place, so I need to get a hold on that. Also, the school field trip was cancelled LITERALLY a day after it was announced. Wow. That's a lot of also's.

So to sum it up, I've got some ideas in mind for fun projects that I want to start with my friends, as well as our music project that hasn't exactly taken off yet (but we're getting there). Family tomorrow, work this weekend, party and socializing on Monday I hope. Something I've realized is that I gotta take shit less serious and just be free. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. I'm still a fuckin' kid. We're all gonna end up dead some day, so you might as well just do what you want. That mean shit some girl said to me the other day? Who cares. That girl I used to be dating? Who cares. It's funny how looking back on it, being as happy as I am now, it's weird to think that I was ever that sad in the first place. It seems like things have a way of working themselves out. I guess I'm just trying to enjoy life more, and I've gotta stop being so scared to let myself do that. Mom definitely isn't helping with that, but hey, I've only got one more year of this crap anyways. Life is good.

END.

PS. Cliff Notes on the forum is a must.

Edited January 23, 2016 by RyanGQ

[RyanGQ]

DAY FORTY FIVE (HABITS DAY 5)

It's 11:55, so it looks like I'm cutting this one close. I woke up late, and went to visit my sister who's sick today, and not much else happened. Didn't get much done. But more or less, I want to talk about the fact that today, as forgettable as it was, is the halfway mark in the no game detox. They say it takes 90 days to get your brain fully off of gaming, but surprisingly I feel like I'm already there. Maybe it's because I was already pretty much over them going into this, but alas, I think the dreams (that are now mostly gone, I hope) were proof enough that a full avoidance of gaming was something I needed.

I've had a lot of blunders and fuck ups in my transformation out of gaming, and just generally acting in loser-ish ways, but where there is change, there are mistakes. The most important thing about success is remembering that it's preceded by lots, and lots, of failure. I've done my fair share of failing, and from here on out, I'm going to be putting in my utmost effort to make sure that this challenge is worth it. It's only been a month and a half, but it's been a memorable one. And not just in the lame saying sort of way - I mean that looking back on my life five, ten, or even twenty years from now, wherever I may be, I'm going to look back and say that these 90 days (and presumably longer) marked the beginning of me finally getting my shit together after 17 straight years of fucking up. 

It's midnight now, so technically I've now surpassed the halfway mark. But I was just thinking, "if I've only passed a month and a half and I've already come this far, imagine how much further I'll be in half a year. In a full year. By graduation." It's really exciting to finally have good things to look forward to. 

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will any of the new lives of us here on the forum be. It's easy to say "fake it until you make it", but deep down, everyone "faking" it knows that they haven't fully changed. It's a process. Nobody ever has it completely together, and it's unfair for any of us to try and force us to have it together on a whim. We've gotta remember that the reason why all of us are even here in the first place is because we've all got a huge problem that we're moving through together. For some of us quitting was the easy part and finding new things to do is the hard part. For some of us, quitting gaming is going to be the hardest thing that we'll ever do. Some of us won't even make it all the way there. But for those of us who are actually committed to this, let me promise you that we're going places. I don't know where, but places. 

That's all the motivational woo-woo talk I could come up with. It's probably better for all of us I just end this now so that I can get some sleep. Things have been weird for the last two days, and I admit I got sidetracked on a lot of things. But tomorrow, when I wake up, I'm putting things back in first gear and getting the ball rolling again. I don't have anything to do, so it's productivity time. I can hardly see a section of my floor from all of the laundry I haven't done, so I think I'll start there. Peace out.

END.

Edited January 24, 2016 by RyanGQ

[SpiNips]

Congrats on one and a half months man! It sure is hard to think what life will be even after a month not to mention a year, but keeping the direction right as you seem to have I'm sure it'll be Great!