Trying something new.

[qwethm987]

I am a 20 years old male from Denmark. I find myself quite different from most people around me in that I have no idea what so ever who I am. It might be normal to have some doubts about who you are at my age (or any age for that matter), but rather than having a few doubts, I don't know what I want to do, what I want to achieve or if i even want to do or achieve anything at all. The last couple of years I've spend most my time either thinking about how meaningless everything is, or numbing my mind with alchohol, pornography or videogames, so I don't have to think.

I've always been interested in philosophy, and I especially enjoy reading about stoicism, existentialism, naturalistic buddhism and evolutionary psychology, and I've convinced myself that life has no given meaning. Nothing is permanent, everything will fade away, I am nothing compared to the vastness of the universe, no joy will last for ever and so on and so on. So far my reaction to this has been to just deliberately wasting my time by spending all my free time playing or masturbating. I've been avoiding social encounters since they always lead to questions about what I want to do with my life (which so far has been absolutely nothing except distracting myself from being depressed.). If i did meet up with my friends it's mostly been in order of drinking my mind out. I always end up drinking almost an entire bottle of vodka (70cl) and I recently was arrested and brought to the hospital by the police. The next morning my blood alchohol level was 2.6, I have no idea what it was when I was arrested.

That didn't stop me from drinking, and I was almost just as drunk the next weekend.

However, I have read a lot of studies about happiness and dopamine, and I recently started entertaining the idea, that if I try to starve myself from dopamine, I might be able to find joy in the things I now have no interest in. If I cold turkey and actually start to engage my mind instead of numbing it, I might find something to be passionate about and become more happy. Therefore I've decided to stop doing the easily achievable things that are known to give "overdoses" of dopamine. The things I don't have to work for, the things which are always there to numb my mind, so I don't have to take responsibility for my life. The 27. december I decided to stop masturbating and watching porn, yesterday I decided to stop eating processed foods, candy and to only drink water (no sugar-drinks and no alchohol), and today I've decided to quit gaming. I am going to delete my netflix account and I am going to sell my Steam account.

I've been mastubating several times a day the last couple of years, and I've eaten candy and drinked beer daily for a long time too. I figured that with the cravings I already am experiencing towards those things, I might as well cold turkey on the digital stimulations too ;-)

I am starting on a Danish Højskole (literally High school, but nothing like the American version, it is a very interesting concept http://danishfolkhighschools.com/about) the 2. January, and this will take me away from my gaming computer, I will be living far away from stores where I could be tempted to by sugar or alchohol, and I will be living with other people in my room, sleeping in bunkbeds, making it easier to resist masturbating. Here I will have the opportunity to replace my addictions with being social through music, sport, discussions/debates and hopefully I've now taken the first couple of steps on my journey out of meaninglessness.

[dandielionous]

Noooo not candy too!  And no coffee!  And no Wagon Train!  

Welcome  Why not take the most important things first?  Like no gaming and no porn?  Which those two are a huge chunk to bite off...  Personally, I need a bad habit.  I just have to pick a bad habit that's within acceptable range.  Reading non-fiction?  

 

Edited December 31, 2016 by dandielionous

[phpsmith]

Welcome @qwethm987!

You'll have a very tough road ahead, but we will all be here for you, as we are all here for each other.

You're right in that we're all trying to figure out who we are. I'm 30, married, a business owner, and still figuring myself out. I think that's part of just what life is and what makes us human.

The Danish Folk Highschool seems like a really good idea, given you are quitting many things at once, this is a big change and can help you. My advice would just be open with yourself and to others, take it one day at a time.

Edited December 31, 2016 by phpsmith

[Alan]

Welcome!

Your situation is pretty rough. Having multiple overlapping addictions that trigger each other is really difficult. Alcohol, pornography, videogames, TV, junk food... What causes most pain in your life? I think it's really important to prioritize.

It's good to hear your story. Your road is going to be long, take your steps, one by one. Good luck in your journey!

[Cam Adair]

Hey, welcome to the forums! The changes you're making right now I have no doubt will bring many positives to your life. We're here to support you! 

[qwethm987]

I want to thank you all for the support. It is extremely motivating to feel people, whom you have never met and probably never will, rooting for you and wishing you good luck. I know it might sound silly, but your comments are a great help, and they really do make me want to do my very best to succeed.

@dandielionous: I've luckily never been able to drink coffee, so at least that won't be a problem to abstain from ;-). You might be right, that I am setting my goals a bit too high, and I've revised a tiny bit. Though I do feel that my candy-eating is a huge problem, since I often eat som chocolate or candy instead of actually cooking a proper meal, I've decided to allow myself to eat cake/candy, as long as it is homemade and I've actually worked to make it. What I want to prevent are the quick pleasures, where I get instant dopamine without working for it ;-) I think it's alright to eat some cookies, as long as I've spent an hour baking them first, since that will no longer be easier than cooking actual dinner.

@phpsmith: Yeah, I don't think it's possible to ever know excactly who you are, since you're constantly evolving and developing yourself. I really hope that the change in my physical and social environment provided by the High School will help me effectively keeping my addictions at bay. With lessons during the day, and crafting rooms, a gym, musical instruments and a lot of friendly, open minded people in the spare time, I'll hopefully be able to develop new hobbies and get new friends.

@Alan Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I am not a moment in doubt that it is going to be hard. I am constantly thinking about doing one of the things I am trying to quit, and it seems like the only time the cravings go away is when they are replaced by cravings towards something else. What causes me most pain is the feeling that everything is ultimately meaningless. I remember feeling this way since I've been 14-15 years old, and the only way to make the thought go away has so far been to numb my mind with my harmful activities. Hopefully, by forcing myself to actually do things instead of just sitting alone feeling depressed, I might be able to change my view on life. I think all the mentioned addictions are almost equally harmful, since one often leads to another, and I think it is easier to get rid of them all at the same time, rather than focusing on one at the time.

@Cam Adair: I want to thank you for creating this community. I plan on making a daily journal starting this evening, and I really do think that by reminding myself of the points you make in Respawn and with the continued support of this forum, in addition to my own commitment and change of environment, I will hopefully be able to drastically change my life for the better! 

[Schwing]

Nihilism is the cancer of the soul. There is always meaning in life even if you don't realise it. This high school thing is a great idea as it will give you your vital sense of purpose and help you find your passion. Make sure you make a journal and keep us up to date.

Edited January 1, 2017 by Schwing

[Alan]

@qwethm987 Yeah, I'm actually being unreasonable. First I say that those addictions trigger each other and then advice you to deal with only one at a time. You're right, it's better do deal with them simultaneously.

I don't know what I want to do, what I want to achieve or if i even want to do or achieve anything at all. The last couple of years I've spend most my time either thinking about how meaningless everything is, or numbing my mind with alchohol, pornography or videogames, so I don't have to think.

I've always been interested in philosophy, and I especially enjoy reading about stoicism, existentialism, naturalistic buddhism and evolutionary psychology, and I've convinced myself that life has no given meaning. Nothing is permanent, everything will fade away, I am nothing compared to the vastness of the universe, no joy will last for ever and so on and so on.

My friend, I highly recommend you, I even insist, that your read Mastery by Robert Greene. It most reality-based, most practical book that I have ever read.

Your belief in the meaningless of life must be your source of power, not weakness. And this book will help you with that.

[qwethm987]

@Alan

Thank you for the book suggestion, I have just ordered it from Amazon, I'll look forward to receiving it. I've also found that Viktor Frankl's book "Mans search for meaning" has helped me quite a bit. I don't have to find "the meaning" with my life, I just need to find some meaning in the things I do.

[Guest]

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Edited February 22, 2020 by Guest

[qwethm987]

@86_PT  It really is great here. The people are lovely and there are a lot of things to keep my busy. And thank you for the advice, I will do my best to read it with caution. I have accumulated quite the que of books I want to read, but I will be sure to remember your warning once I start reading it. It is a bit odd to me that the same author would write so quite different books.

[Guest]

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Edited February 22, 2020 by Guest