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Zala

In search of bravery

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@Bob you really are a ray of sunshine. Lovely to see you :).
@Pete It's not undergraduate. I moved to another country, German is the official language. I'm visiting just a basic language course in a a language school. Just as a start of the assimilation process. My hubby is paying for it. So yes, we get people from all parts of the world and from different educational backgrounds in the course. It's interesting and stressful at the same time.

8/90 Hard day. Dreams about gaming. Didn't do much. I'm just tired. And already nervous 11 days till my first day at work. I have no idea how to prepare for it. Not that anything major can or will happen. I'm just afraid of how I will react to it.

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9/90 Awful day. Did nothing after I came home from class. Watched a bit of LOTR, just to get a bit of a good feeling, but I still feel like crap. Extra crap since I know I shouldn't be rewatching old stuff.

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9/90 Awful day. Did nothing after I came home from class. Watched a bit of LOTR, just to get a bit of a good feeling, but I still feel like crap. Extra crap since I know I shouldn't be rewatching old stuff.

I almost got chewed up in my African-American Literature class this morning. Yep, wait, yep just got done with a 5 page paper. At this point i know how you feel.

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African-American Literature that sounds great. I wish I knew more about this. Can you name a couple of authors, representatives? It's quite embarrassing that my subjects named "world literature" or something similar covered such a small part of the world. I think almost all of the authors were from Europe plus a couple of Latin and Asian authors. Sad really.

10/90
Not much to say. I hope today will make another normal entry.

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11/91 Hello all. I am just back from a short  25 min run and I must say I feel great. I wish my head didn't have a three second memory (or is it "wouldn't have", I always have trouble with this kind of sentences). I know I will have to force myself to go for a run tomorrow.

Dear brain, please remember that you like exercise and you feel better afterwards. And please stop craving chocolate, it only makes your friend body sluggish and puffy.

I read a short book in German. I bought a couple of B2 and B1 books. Now I've read them all but luckily I finally found a shelf in a local library with books for people who are still learning German. There isn't a lot of them. It's a small library. But if I read one every two days I should be good for at least 3 months.

On another subject. I feel kind of bad. I was supposed to write an article by the end of September. But I talked to my friend, who gave me this opportunity,  yesterday and explained that I'm in a bit of a jam with time and other things. And he said not to worry about it and to forget it. I hope he doesn't think any less of me. I hope I can perhaps write this article later. I just don't want to do it poorly. And I would really like to cram more German phrases&words into my head before I start my new job. Which, I imagine, will demand focus, time, energy. Plus language course which I plan to continue on days I don't have to work. I'm not sure if the language school&teacher will allow it. Basically you should be present for 80% of the classes or you don't get the certificate. But I imagine they can't force me not to come to 60% of classes if I'm not impeding the process.

Well, what's done is done. I have a bit more faith in myself at the moment. And I know I can't use extra time for gaming or watching yt. Feel free to remind me of that :)

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Dear brain, please remember that you like exercise and you feel better afterwards. And please stop craving chocolate, it only makes your friend body sluggish and puffy.

Yeah, being of healthy weight feels way better than chocolate tastes.

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Ha I just saw I wrote 91 days in previous post. I'm leaving it. It's like giving the finger to the obsessive part of myself.

12/90 Went for a 28 min run. Again I'm following 0-10 kilometrs program. Learned German. Tomorrow or the day after that we will have our first test (with this set of students & teacher). Not sure what to expect so I learned a bit more than usual. I'm trying to stick to this daily entries, just so that I know what my ups and downs are on certain days. I don't want to get too comfortable. I'm sorry, I know it's a bit boring. I'm sure we will be able to laugh at me, myself & I in 8 days. Just imagine someone who's not that good at a particular language and works with and for people. The possibilities of things going wrong are endless!

Does anyone have a feeling that they make a fool out of themselves a lot? At least compared to other people. I remember we talked in German course about "peinliche Situationen" = painful/awkward situations. And there was a picture of this woman, who got a piece of a toilet paper stuck to her shoe and she was dragging it behind her. And all of my classmates thought that this was dreadful. And I was like ... Meh. That's not even a challenge. At least put some poop on that paper and then we can talk.  But seriously, toilet paper? I had 3 more awkward situations before breakfast today.
I think it's a part of the package if you are clumsy, shy and introverted. But I really think it's also a bit of a bad luck. So yeah, I'm sure my first day at work will be a blast!

1. Thankful for my first job in a foreign country.

2. Thankful for books. They are such lovely well-rounded pretty things. I love the page turning sound.

3. Thankful for all of you people. I could seriously read your stories all day. And it's so lovely, that I can follow your lives and progress.

Edited by Zala

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I think the daily entries are a good way to stick to a commitment and develop discipline. Don't be afraid to post a couple  of sentences if there's just nothing to say. A lot of the socially awkward stuff is in our heads. ?

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I think I might be making a fool out of myself constantly xD, but I tend to disregard pretty much all of it. I think when you up the scale of challenges you take on, you stop sweating the small stuff entirely. I like Michael Jordan in the that respect, he manfisted countless times in words and actions that he doesn't really care about missing shots, hogging the ball and messing up as long as he wins. To think of it he was a huge asshole of person, but he won a lot and many people like him anyway.

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13/90 I have a nasty cold.

Thankful for

1. Just a cold. Nothing serious.

2. An abundance of tea&lemons.

3. Warm and comfortable bed. Such a deep&meaningful gratitude entry, I know :)

Edited by Zala

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Thanks Pete :)

14/90 The test today was a bit hard. All of the teachers kept telling us that there is a big difference between B1 and B2 lvl and I could really feel it today. None of my classmates complained, at least not out loud. Results tomorrow will make things much clearer. Maybe I'm the dunce of this group.

Didn't feel well enough for a run.

I decided to systematize my reading of booklets in German. Grading is a bit confusing, because different editions/publishing houses use different grading (1-5, 0-3, 0-D, A1-C2, some also use colors, symbols, faces etc). Then there is also the word count, which is also confusing. For example one collection can have 3 levels. And vocabulary is spread between 400-2000 for first lvl, 2000-4500 for second, 4500 and up for third lvl. That's a big jump from one lvl to the other. So ... I don't think of myself as an organized person, but I like to put things in tables of data. Maybe I will be able to define how many words are too much for me at this point. Because not understanding every 10th word or so makes reading difficult and unpleasant.

1 Grateful for always being able to call my mum and talk to her about anything.

2 Having great friends that stick by my side even though we can't go out for a cup of coffee easily.

3 Sticking to typing with ten fingers. And it was very difficult at the beginning.

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15/90 Cold or whatever has gotten worse. I feel terrible. I lack energy and motivation to do anything. I did ok in the test 91%, I was actually the best in class but it's still below my average. And it's the first test at this lvl, they usually get harder. I also said some things to my hubby that I shouldn't have said. As they were coming out of my mouth I already knew it was a mistake. And the thing is I don't even mean what I said, it just popped out. We're just both under a bit of stress lately. Some words can sit with you for years. And they can come back and haunt you. I hope these are not one of them.

Thankful for a nice storm, feels like nature is taking a quick shower.

Thankful to whoever invented Granny Smith apples. Not that I'm eating one at the moment, I would but I can't find them in this country&at this time. I'm just glad that they exist.

Thankful for a leek soup that I had before. Luckily I made extra yesterday.

(Not sure about this gratitude part. It feels fake from time to time. I mean of course I'm grateful for a lot of things. It just feels silly writing them down.)

 

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16/90 I spent 4 hours replying to a threat in a dog forum. We tried to help someone in need, I hope she will put it to good use. But I don't think I used my time wisely. I think I will have to update my list of triggers.Those commercials for games on a forum gave me a feeling of nostalgia. I have an ad blocker but some pop ups still manage to get through. Stay away from all forums (except this one, of course)? I don't even have a dog, nor am I a volunteer in an animal shelter. So I'm not sure why I spent time on dog forums anyway. It's just a part of my old life. I severed so many connections in the last year. I guess it's just a fear of losing the core of myself. Whatever that is. How many parts of yourself can you change and still be who you are?

Still sleeping a lot. Not sure about quality of sleep, because I still feel exhausted. Will I ever be my normal self? I know I lost a lot of time and energy gaming, but at least physically I felt ok at that time, better than now, that's for sure.

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17/90 Is everyone always living in fear of something? I feel like I'm always afraid of a certain thing. And my life always splits into time before this event and after it. Like if I'm worried about dentist's appointment (just an example) everything else before it becomes unimportant and I can't even think about what will life be like after it. But after the event I don't feel gratitude, relief, happiness. Just the event changes  form X to Y and the fear goes on. Anxiety, fear, confusion and they are always there. When I'm working, talking to someone, trying to go to sleep ... And it's never really proportionate to an actual event. Like if I had a major heart surgery it would be understandable to feel fear and anxiety. But for me it's things that are not really that important or life changing. But my brain goes to this "and then" thinking, consistent with a butterfly effect theory, so a small-ish thing just grows into a monster.
I'm sick of it to be honest. Is this my life now? I don't remember feeling this way 10 years back. But I didn't write a diary back then so I can't be sure. Except meditation, sports and things like that is there a way to deal with it? I don't want to go to a doctor, even though it might be a brain thing I want to try to find another solution.
I talked to a friend about it and she is going through similar feelings. I guess she just hides it better than me. Because people always comment on how optimistic, upbeat, self-confident she is. So I don't know. Maybe a lot of people are living with this problem.

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I understand you Zala, fear is in the mind and that is how the mind works, singling out the very thing you fear is your brain telling you to face your fears head on. Just read your journal title, Zala, its not for the faint of heart. But in order to perservere you have to be brave and say 'hey, its just X, Y, Z; what good am i going to gain out of it?'

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18 & 19 / 90 Spent my days between wanting to reinstall PoGo and resisting it. Did nothing important.

I really think drawing more on consistent basis would do me good. But I'm afraid of failing. In my head I'm capable of drawing a decent sketch. On a level of a regular 15 year old :) . I've been tossing a couple of ideas around but we will see. I guess internet can be a good thing. None of the people I know will see my drawings. I think I should draw a couple of sketches and post them on deviant art or even go hard core to concept art sketches. And then we will see. I think I wouldn't be able to trust anyone who would say anything nice about my drawing. Except "I can see you've put some time&energy into it. You need a lot of work." Or something like that. I always prefer realism to false praise. Problem is, as a novice you need to work on so many things it's not easy to choose where to even begin/start improving. We will see.

At least I'm still not gaming. Although internet/yt time is slowly creeping in and eating of my free time.

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20, 21, 22/90 Time flies when you have a new job with a chaotic working time and a language course 4 days per week. Tomorrow I have a day off. As far as my job goes I'm not as quick as I would like to be. My head is full of new words, procedures, acronyms. I wish I could remember things faster since I hate making mistakes and I hate that feeling when you need to do something and you can't remember the procedure. I would love to be proud of my work and I would like to do it well!

But yes even though I am a bit stressed out I'm not thinking about gaming. But I need a change in tempo. I'll probably take a break from my language course for a month, or till the end of my probation period perhaps. Our language group is falling apart a bit anyway.

Today I'm just thankful for my body. Being able to lift even heavier weights, my legs not complaining even after 8+ hours on feet and all of my 20 fingers&toes. I like every one of them. Yes even the smallest ones :)

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23-27/90 I had a very vivid dream about playing PoGo. I remember dreaming about catching a mon and being surprised, because I was sure, I've uninstalled PoGo. But you know in dream logic ... anything goes. And then I was writing an apology journal on game quitters. The mushroom head was definitely there. So I guess this forum is becoming a part of my subconscious. :D When I woke up I had to think really hard. Did I really play ... no ... ok, so I don't to have to write a sad report on GQ :)

I'm thankful for having a job with a lovely shift boss, a great family and a wonderful hubby, who is very patient with me. So many marvelous people in my life at the moment.

Ps I sometime get a bit triggered, when I'm reading other people's journal entries and they write about playing a certain game or liking a certain game. So from now one, I will just write gaming and won't go too much into it. It's not a gaming site, so it doesn't even matter what my specific cravings are.

 

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