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Bladezz

Bladezz Journal

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Day 1

Woke up late. So far I made new accounts for steam, OGS, Game quitters, and google. This is my last email! I have a very bad habit of creating email addresses all the time because I feel like the old one is not perfect enough...

Last night was my last night playing rocket league. Had a panic attackish last night. Very high anxiety didn't go to bed till 5 in the morning. I don't know if the two are correlated @Cam Adair maybe you have some insight on the anxiety gaming link? I know there is a link between internet porn and anxiety/social anxiety. I don't want to assume gaming caused it. I missed playing with my online friend. Who is helping me overcome my agoraphobia (I hate labeling myself but I haven't left my house for 7 months now. Due to panic attacks away from home). Its been 3 years trying to quit porn. I am on a good streak now not counting days because I don't want to base my life around quitting something. I think I should just quit it and move on!

So I will keep my updates here. Met a good buddy on the chat @Remigjus who is putting up the good fight with me! As well I hope he quits porn as well because that is a huge factor in peoples lives.

Till next time

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Good job starting your journal! I'm sure it will be a valuable exercise for yourself. I'm not certain about the link between gaming and anxiety although much of the research between porn and gaming is similar.

Do you have a meditation practice? If not, I would definitely start there. 10 mins/day using Headspace or Calm.

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Hey cam! I had a meditation practice I used calm! But then I got too caught up in the dangers of meditation like losing yourself to your own mind. I dont know why I got so paranoid about it. I hope to see a therapist soon.

I'm sure porn is more damaging though. Not having any studies to back me up or anything :P Just in my experience the withdrawal is worse. 

Dont mind me I am just very argumentative :P I study and research alot which is a double edged sword 

You do a great service cam for the addicts out there ! My blessings to you!

 

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Day 2

 

Slept from 9am till 4pm today. I feel like I was too overstimulated last night and couldn't sleep. Or it could be withdrawals. My emotions today are sadness because I think about my ex girl who I used to see. I feel overwealmed by life but that's the price I pay for always fapping and gaming it away. Do the crime pay the time. Anyways I played some IGOwin go just now. Defiantly not playing rocket league maybe with my friend beside each other laughing and stuff. But alone is a recipe for over stimulation and loneliness when its over. Even if i play with my online friend I still feel like its too much right now. 

Got a 10 minute hypnosis track I am going to listen too at least once a day. Just need to relax right now

Till next time 

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What are the new activities you're working on instead of gaming?

So far I exercise and play guitar. Also I try to do house chores when I can. I hope one day I can get rid of the fear and be able to skateboard and ski like before!

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Day 3

Unfortunately I did play 30 min of rocket league and some online GO. So I must start back a couple of days. Just played with a buddy and we talked. He got me enticed in pokemon GO. Installed it and didnt get past character selection because of server shutdown. Then I realized how fucking dumb the whole idea of the game is. I saw on some articles how pokemon GO nudes are a thing now and the privacy issues it has. I was like "What the fuck is wrong with people" Like seriously is this a joke? And to think I was gonna get sucked in to that world.

I mowed some lawn today. Did a workout that spread throughout the day and am setting myself a bedtime schedule to follow. 

Changes:

  1. Quit Online GO - This game right now has a very high skill gap on the server. I feel like I cant keep up right now. Waiting for Ancient Go on steam to come out
  2. Follow bedtime schedule wind down at 10pm (missed today because of the pokemon GO trance  

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Today I am going to take the 90 day detox seriously! I feel like gaming introduced insomnia back to my life. I dont really have proof and I am moderating my game time well. But I feel like I need to struggle to grow.

This story sums it up perfectly http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/struggle.htm

Day 1

 

Only 3 hours sleep. But feel kindof refreshed. Going to keep my games installed. Can't run away from triggers all the time I tried that with porn addiction and of course I found a way around the blockers anyway. It's about dicipline, strong habits

 

Got head space today too. Going to start my meditation journey again

May my dopamine be revived !!!


 

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Dude, just try the best and perfect game.

Completely free and without micropays.

Serious level of senses.

You can feel anything, smell it and taste it.

It's called real life :D

Deal with it for ninety days, and you'll see that miracles can happen.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Dude, just try the best and perfect game.

Completely free and without micropays.

Serious level of senses.

You can feel anything, smell it and taste it.

It's called real life :D

Deal with it for ninety days, and you'll see that miracles can happen.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Yes your totally right! And I totally made the choice (not the right one) to drop my dicipline and play 120 minutes of Golf With Friends. I admit it was fun and me and my friend were laughing nonstop. But I need these 90 days! Especially for my panic attacks i need to reboot my brain!

Maybe in the future I can moderate myself but it seems. Tho I am doing better then usual. That I need to stop


 

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Played a bit of rocket league again. I know all you who read this are shaking there heads. But I have a responsibility to be self aware of my habits. Tomorrow my brother and sister might visit and swim hopefully

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Well i haven't quit . But I'm not binging either . I just play in the evenings a bit. I do want to stop and I will try for a while game free day tomorrow 

 

 

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Mate, what do you play on the guitar?

I've just bought a super cheap Epiphone Special on Amazon to bring back an old hobbie. Can't wait to have it on my hands!

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I know all you who read this are shaking there heads.

I don't. It's your choice and you can do with your live whatever you desire.

If you want to fall down on the floor and just lie there telling to yourself "I'm too weak to walk, I should lie there for the rest of my life" then you can do this. But if you want to wake up and just go (even with a crutch at the beginning, but I'm sure you can do this without it) then you have to quit playing.

No other ways, no justifications. Just quitting can make you stand up from that floor.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Well i haven't quit . But I'm not binging either . I just play in the evenings a bit. I do want to stop and I will try for a while game free day tomorrow 

Any other ideas for what you can do in the evenings instead?

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I have no ideas for evenings. I wish I could go out without these panic attacks! I read but even that can become dull. Everything feels dull compared to rocket league.

Its really the only thing that challenges me and puts a smile on my face.  I guess thats sign of addiction. This nofap thing is making it harder too as it feels like im pulling the plug on the stimulation

anyways played some golf with friends today and I just uninstalled it again :/

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Its really the only thing that challenges me and puts a smile on my face.  I guess thats sign of addiction.

Yes. The dullness of other activities is a function OF you playing games. It's not because everything else is boring.

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I think it is a huge step when you can identify and acknowledge your weaknesses.

Perhaps you could give some thought on what kind of person you want to be in the future. Once you have it clear on your head, it will be easier to come up with some "how to" questions and the answers to these questions would be the actions you'd have to take.

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Yeah both you guys give the dose of reality I already know. I relasped both in PMO and gaming yesterday. I took some procautions so that for the first couple of months it will make it difficult to relapse. I got family view on steam blocking my two games Rocket League and Golf With Friends. So I can only play rocksmith (watch out slash here I come!) And qustodio on my phone and computer so the internet is blocked at 8pm (I suspect internet addiction as well)

And Open DNS on my router. At least until the brain changes and the cravings are less intense.

 

Day 1 baby bring on the withdrawals you cant keep me on the ground Ill keep getting back up!

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Day 1 baby bring on the withdrawals you cant keep me on the ground Ill keep getting back up!

90 days brother. The harder it is to do the more validation it is that you need to do it. :)

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