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Craig

Craig's Journal

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9/30/16

I've been able to keep busy enough to not think about gaming (for the most part.)  I did veg out watching some mobile DVR'd TV and today I watched 20 minutes of Black ops 3 videos. 

Overall I'm satisfied with myself.  I feel less guilty when going home from work which has translated to better communication with my wife from not being defensive. I also lost 4.5 lbs. not eating pizza and wings while I'm playing.  So, all good here. So far.  

I'll check in again next week. 

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3/21/17

Long time since my last entry.  I started over yesterday with the help of Respawn.  I'm not sure how I feel yet.  I do feel a relief (deep down) under the nerves and fear.  I'm also excited to start this new chapter of my life.  

All of the things that were ignored and procrastinated while I was gaming are now all surfacing and "angry."  I know I can work through and will eventually be caught up.  Being "caught up" alone is a time that I look forward to greatly.  

Ok. Back to work.  Going to read some more Respawn during lunch.  

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3/30/17

Part 1 - Catch Up

Ok.  So the day after my last post was pretty good.  I had some trouble selling my Xbox. They were all like "Will you take $90 for it?" When I posted it for $200.  I hate low ballers. Anyway,  I had some ups and downs but eventually,   a few days later,  I did ... plug it back in ...  Nooooo!  

I even did ok the day after Black Ops 3 finished installing.  I only played it during lunch on a timer.  I was like "its ok," "I can actually manage my time" 

I realized that I was in a good space that day.  I got stuff done, managed my time, etc.  Until the next morning when I got some stressful work related news.  That day I ended up playing for 3 hours instead of my 30 min. timed session.  

I found that when I needed an escape, that's exactly what it did.  I didn't turn it off because I didn't want to face my work problem.  

The next day I had come to terms with my work situation and was in a "good" space again.  This time I played for 1.5 hours instead of my allotted 30 min. time.  I wasn't "escaping" the same way I was the previous day but I still played more. (During the height of my spiral I would sometimes play the entire work day and not accomplish anything) So, 1.5 hours wasn't necessarily bad considering my past.  

When I stopped for a minute, I took a breath and concentrated on how I was feeling.  What was I putting out into the universe? I felt terrible and negative and foggy. I immediately unplugged it again, wiped the HD again and put it up for sale again. This time for $160. I had multiple offers and accepted one.  Long story short, I just sold my console and I feel good about it.  I'm feeling more each day that this is now my path. My new chapter.  I'm excited to make new friends in here and out there and respawn myself as a new and improved person.  Thanks for the support.  

 

Part 2 - Today 

I spent a significant amount of time browsing the internet. Then I watched a movie on Netflix.  This is the same procrastinating behavior as playing games.  I finally pulled myself out of the rut and started working.  Which feels good.  

I need to be careful to not waste my precious time anymore.  During working hours is not a time for checking Facebook.  Watching a movie is one of my resting activities. I also plan to read some books.  Did any of you come up with tricks to stop yourself from screwing off at work? It's tough for me because I'm the boss and the only one in the office.  No accountability to co-workers.  

Edited by Craig

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10/13/17

Wow. My last entry was 2 Julys ago...

That makes me feel kind of pathetic.  I have been back and forth but the games have won.  I want to stop. I keep selling my Xbox and re-buying another.  

I'm going to sell it again.  I found I have a deeper problem with procrastination.  Obviously, gaming is the easiest way to ignore important things that I need to be doing.  I want to start with that.  In fact if I don't get a handle on the rest of everything I may end up in a very bad place in my life.  It's already sinking fast.  So, no time to waste.  Re-setting and shelving Xbox (again) for sale.  I'm just tired of how horrible I feel after eating another day and trying to hype myself up for the next day and doing the same thing.  

I know what needs to be done, I've listened and read.  I just need to follow through.  I hope this is the one.  

Send positive vibes please.  Thanks guys. 

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10/23/17

I sold my Xbox again! This time it's different though. I went directly to the bank, deposited the cash and went directly to the nearest 24 hour fitness and opened a membership with the money.  

Here's to replacing the time spent on my console.  I have my first appointment with a personal trainer on Wednesday.  

 

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Hey Craig, sounds like you're paying attention to past mishaps and changing your approach, which is a great step. I've been thinking lately that this is the true definition of progress. Games have twisted that definition (for me anyway) since most games try to avoid ever letting you go "backwards." So we think the real world should work this same way and then the first setback feels insurmountable.

I've also been reflecting on the procrastination topic you mentioned earlier, where procrastination is a deeper issue and gaming is what we did while procrastinating. However, I believe that gaming in particular makes procrastination much worse because it is so stimulating/engaging that once we've started gaming it's hard to stop. A lot of other procrastination activities I can think of tend to become boring much faster, so you return to the activity you've been delaying and get it done. I also believe that removing gaming as an option will make fewer situations trigger the desire to procrastinate in the first place, as more tasks start to feel rewarding again.

Good luck with the workouts! If your fitness journey is anything like mine, you will hit some bumps where you feel like you're not as fit as you should be, why bother trying, etc. But the most important thing is to keep putting in the time. Make the activity (and its completion) the reward rather than getting worried about the results.

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