Nicholas' Journal

[Nic]

So it's been 2 weeks and I walk home from work and still all I want to do is hop on my computer, start up skype and play with my friends. My brain is itching for the relief of the immersion and connecting socially with a good friend. 

So instead I just browse aimlessly on my phone while eating a snack. It feels  pointless since I'm still wasting away on a screen, but maybe my brain is getting used to less stimulation. I would have relapsed if I hadn't given my computer to my aunt.

Maybe I will go to a coffee shop down the street and analyze the stock markets. 

[Cam Adair]

Going to a coffee shop helps me a lot. What other activities have you chosen to pursue?

[Nic]

You said it Cam! Just read a good chunk of a financial book at Bean Cafe. Since dropping games, I made a point to hike once a week starting at Lynn headwaters here in BC. Actually thinking of combining my new hobby of hiking and uni cycling - Municycling! 

Things are really looking up, thanks for the support Cam and everyone here.

[AlexTheGrape]

Looks like you're on the right track, man!

Finding other activities to fill my time with like programming can really be a help to keep the cravings at bay and help you find interests in other areas.

[Nic]

Okay so yesterday I finished my shift at 2am, put $5000 in a stock, (which has made me nearly $500 now) and then started what would be a 12 hour return trip to coliseum mountain

met a guy for part of the way and we had a good chat. Really took me out of my comfort zone, but it was well worth it. He even convinced me to put my head under the icy cold water. Intoxicating. Headed up until my feet went numb from falling through 4 feet of snow, and the hike really cleared my mind and gave positive energy. Today, I bought lots of food great for my brain, after a visit to the coffee shop and reading my finance book. 

The most amazing thing: I'VE BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Who knew real life could be so rewarding? 

Let's all keep at it!

 

 

Edited March 31, 2016 by Nic
12 HOUR return trip, not 12 return trip

[WorkInProgress]

The most amazing thing: I'VE BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Who knew real life could be so rewarding? 

So true!

[Cam Adair]

The most amazing thing: I'VE BARELY THOUGHT ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. Who knew real life could be so rewarding? 

So true!

Quoted for truth!

[Nic]

Being a LOT more productive, not even thinking about vidya. (Hence why I stopped updating for awhile) HOWEVER, I can go a few hours just watching Pokemon, YouTube, or mindlessly posting on image boards. I need to set time limits I think.. It'll be easier to do than quitting video games, so feeling pretty optimistic. 

Have been going for runs around the neighborhood, taking ice cold showers, and have quit caffeine. Becoming high energy. Sometimes I talk with my friend, he says he wants to play a few games when my 90 days is up. Less than 2 months now. It's already entrenched deep down that going back into vidya will be a complete regression. Time spent now investing in ourselves will compound and pay out huge dividends in the future. Let's keep at it.

[WorkInProgress]

Check out the leechblock add-on for firefox. There you can set time limits for specific sites. It blocks the sites afterwards.

[Cam Adair]

Thanks for sharing your update Nic!

[Nic]

Feeling mentally sapped today. Got frustrated by the length of my 10 hour mountain hike yesterday. Spent last night and this morning watching videos and mindlessly browsing sites to distract from all this negative energy, but that's exactly the same approach with video games. It's not conductive to personal development. All the same, I don't want to miss out on the latest episodes I've been in to.

Although I'm not particularly religious,  it could be a great experiment to delegate Sunday as a day where I can choose to do leisurely activities like browse the web aimlessly and catch up on the series I'm watching. 

Ideally I'll have laid out a solid foundation for success by July 1, as I'll have the opportunity to move to Australia. A fresh start away from negative factors associated with where I live in Vancouver.

In the meantime, I'm going to post here every time I slip to watching something like anime or mindlessly web browsing. 

[Cam Adair]

Some days you will be tired. It's ok. I feel this way too sometimes. The key is to get through the day on a positive (end on a positive note) and be ready for a better day the next day.

[Nic]

Day 57/90       Today I Have My Computer Back

Video games WERE my biggest source of escape through mindless entertainment.

Although i'm more empowered, the most meaningful activities I could do still compete with habituated escape methods, such as mindless consumption of both forums and Youtube. The pressing question: Am I not passionate enough about my hobbies to overcome my bad habits OR is my brain accustomed to such disengagement that passion can't abundantly flow toward my pursuits? The answer came instinctually. The reason why I've been drawn to digital escape, like a moth to a flame, has been stress.

I've been acquainted with stress since being a baby. Here's a list showing significant points of stress.

1. Abusive father
2. Moving away from friends and family in British Columbia (5 years old)
3. Mother yelling at me (and grandmother as she was approaching her death.)
4. Grandmother and dog's death. (Like a 2nd parent and best friend, respectively.)
5. Losing friends and family in PEI, as well as shock, from moving to Australia. (12 years old)
6. Mother and stepfather's frequent violent and suicidal relations
7. Mother being more worried about the rent inspection than my wellbeing when I had deeply cut myself to the point where blood was all over my room.
8. Becoming too needy to a girl who would eventually 'ghost' me.

All I did, or at least thought about, was escape through computer games, music, and suicide. However, that was then, and this is now. I'm not under significant emotional stress right now. I've made peace with all the above points. One of God's key features is forgiveness. As He forgives me, I'll become empowered likewise by forgiving myself and others while moving on from bad habits. 

So what does that leave me with?  

• Bad Habits
• Disengaged brain 
• Underdeveloped social skills

I've already started erecting good habits to override the bad. Running first thing in the morning + jumping into a cold shower, quitting coffee+sleeping well, and getting outside are a few examples. The biggest habit to kick is the time I put into browsing the web. (It's fine if i'm being productive.) It's going to take a HELL of a lot more than cold showers to kick this bad habit. I believe progressive, and eventually habitual, socializing is the key. Yesterday I went to my extended family's house for mothers' day and they had A LOT of family over who I don't know well. It was an effort to break the pattern. However I realize it's too much and I can't use the experience well enough as it's too far out of my comfort zone. The trick, I feel, is to gradually expand the comfort zone. I'm going back to Australia to be with my Mother and two young brothers, as well as long-time friends. From there, I will work up to being comfortable meeting new small groups of people, to larger parties and being comfortably engaged to remember their names and learn about them. Coupled with this, I will attend a regular drama group. Good grooming, a gym membership, and my sociable plans for income will help me get the most from my social encounters as i'll have a solid foundation of confidence. I'll be engaging myself through good habits that will allow my social life to flourish. The railway has been laid, and this train is about to leave the station!

 

 

[Cam Adair]

+1 to cold showers, love 'em. Having a good foundation for your morning is huge, and I know will continue to bring positive results for you. Your attitude is in the right place, keep going and keep posting your updates here.