Day 57/90 Today I Have My Computer Back Video games WERE my biggest source of escape through mindless entertainment. Although i'm more empowered, the most meaningful activities I could do still compete with habituated escape methods, such as mindless consumption of both forums and Youtube. The pressing question: Am I not passionate enough about my hobbies to overcome my bad habits OR is my brain accustomed to such disengagement that passion can't abundantly flow toward my pursuits? The answer came instinctually. The reason why I've been drawn to digital escape, like a moth to a flame, has been stress. I've been acquainted with stress since being a baby. Here's a list showing significant points of stress. Abusive fatherMoving away from friends and family in British Columbia (5 years old)Mother yelling at me (and grandmother as she was approaching her death.)Grandmother and dog's death. (Like a 2nd parent and best friend, respectively.)Losing friends and family in PEI, as well as shock, from moving to Australia. (12 years old)Mother and stepfather's frequent violent and suicidal relationsMother being more worried about the rent inspection than my wellbeing when I had deeply cut myself to the point where blood was all over my room.Becoming too needy to a girl who would eventually 'ghost' me.All I did, or at least thought about, was escape through computer games, music, and suicide. However, that was then, and this is now. I'm not under significant emotional stress right now. I've made peace with all the above points. One of God's key features is forgiveness. As He forgives me, I'll become empowered likewise by forgiving myself and others while moving on from bad habits. So what does that leave me with? Bad HabitsDisengaged brain Underdeveloped social skillsI've already started erecting good habits to override the bad. Running first thing in the morning + jumping into a cold shower, quitting coffee+sleeping well, and getting outside are a few examples. The biggest habit to kick is the time I put into browsing the web. (It's fine if i'm being productive.) It's going to take a HELL of a lot more than cold showers to kick this bad habit. I believe progressive, and eventually habitual, socializing is the key. Yesterday I went to my extended family's house for mothers' day and they had A LOT of family over who I don't know well. It was an effort to break the pattern. However I realize it's too much and I can't use the experience well enough as it's too far out of my comfort zone. The trick, I feel, is to gradually expand the comfort zone. I'm going back to Australia to be with my Mother and two young brothers, as well as long-time friends. From there, I will work up to being comfortable meeting new small groups of people, to larger parties and being comfortably engaged to remember their names and learn about them. Coupled with this, I will attend a regular drama group. Good grooming, a gym membership, and my sociable plans for income will help me get the most from my social encounters as i'll have a solid foundation of confidence. I'll be engaging myself through good habits that will allow my social life to flourish. The railway has been laid, and this train is about to leave the station!