Stripping Away the Storms of Evil

[BlueIced]

Hello,

My name is Blue.

In my story, I discuss how gaming and music has been a big part of my life, how it has helped my brain create this fantasy world that I have been trapped in for the past 14 years. Because of this fantasy world, I have been pissed off at the world with the idea that I'm the only one who knows what they're talking about. However, that is not the case, and now I am trying to break free from its grasp and destroy it for good. 

With this journal, I hope I will achieve that. Besides some smaller goals such as finally obtaining my drivers license, which I am currently working towards, my main goal is to train my mind to enjoy working hard. Working hard towards achievements in REAL LIFE, not in a game. In this fantasy world of mine, the character who plays me can do anything. So why can't I do that in real life too. 

The bulk of this journal will be detailing goals I have for each month and see if I complete them or not. 

I think by labeling each month with a specific goal, I will be able to layer goals in secession instead of trying to force myself to do a million new things in one day. Speaking of which, in order to quit, I think it would be easier for me as I layer these goals to decrease the hours I game each day, instead of trying to quit cold turkey and try to figure out what to do with the rest of the time. This was a problem with my last detox. Though I succeeded in 90 days and I walked and hiked, afterwards I would just watch youtube all day. Instead of doing something like reading. I think if I gradually decrease my playtime with each new habit, I won't be scrambling for something to fill the space with. Which I think will just be easier on my brain.

For this month I hope to achieve basic hygiene and mind rituals.

This includes:

Getting to bed at a good time (10:00 PM at the latest)

Waking up early (9:00 AM at the latest)

Praying to God and noting things I am grateful for 

Making my bed

Brushing my teeth WITH mouthwash (twice daily)

Exercising

Showering

Getting Dressed

Reading (Newspaper or Book)

Breakfast

 

Evening:

Meditating

Journaling

Reading

----------------------------------------------------------

With this, I hope to stay off electronics after I finish breakfast and 2 hours before bed. If I manage to keep this up for a month I will consider myself successful.

Edited May 23 by BlueIced

[BlueIced]

For years I have always wondered why I am so intrigued with social media sites like Instagram or YouTube. I have often found that OBSERVING what my life could be is a lot more interesting than actually living it. Even if someone is just sitting, taking in nature, if that action presents itself in an image, I will be more fascinated by it than actually doing it myself. And I haven't the faintest idea why. Why are other peoples actions more interesting to me, than my own actions? 

I'm wondering if it could be linked to the fact that our society deems posts on instagram as having a "good life". There's a lot of idolization. No matter what someone posts I feel like there's this hyper-reality, that everything is perfect, even if something bad happens. I'm thinking because we put so much emphasis on images now, for it to happen off of instagram I guess it feels "less worthy" to me. Almost like it didn't happen. 

But how do I break free from this thinking? How do I escape the hyper-reality?

[DanielG]

1 hour ago, BlueIced said:

Why are other peoples actions more interesting to me, than my own actions? 

Well, if I were to hazard a guess, it's because you get to experience the 'accomplishment' or see the end result of a lot of hard work in the span of seconds on social media. It's much easier to watch a video of someone who has mastered a skill than to spend the thousands of hours to become skillful at it. Also, in my own experience, there's a safety in participating as an observer. Like, because it's 'detached' from me, it's safer to emotionally invest in what's going on, if that makes any sense. My sense of identity isn't threatened or in danger. As a tangent, that's one of the interesting things about a book that Cam recommended to me. Part of what the author speaks on is recognizing that the deeper question of 'who you are', is more the role of an observer. Awareness. Like, the essence of who you are isn't the amalgamation of what you've experienced or even your thoughts and feelings, that it's much more fundamental than that.

As to how you get out of that kind of thinking, I feel like mindfulness might help. Enriching your current experiences, and being more aware of your thoughts/feelings might help you figure out why you are invested in social media as opposed to your immediate/felt experiences.

I feel that I need to make clear that I am not an authority on how you work, and what might help, though. Your the chief authority on how you work; you have direct access to your thoughts and feelings, whereas I can only really give you my guesses as to what might be going on, and my own experiences and things I've tried.

[BlueIced]

instead of my original plan of gradually decreasing the amount i listen to music. I have decided to quit cold turkey. This is to prevent hearing loss when im older since i usually listened on loud volumes. I'm also quitting social media. Shit is problematic. just a bunch of people posting cause they feel the need to externally validate themselves and with the issue of comparing your life to others its too overwhelming. 

[BlueIced]

On 5/24/2023 at 5:52 PM, DanielG said:

Also, in my own experience, there's a safety in participating as an observer. Like, because it's 'detached' from me, it's safer to emotionally invest in what's going on, if that makes any sense

Yeah that does make sense. One of the reasons why i want to destroy this world of fantasy i live in. Observing too long becomes dangerous. I need to break out of my comfort zone. I think one of the ways I can do that right now is say "yes" to events/things im not that interested in more. And push myself harder in the good hobbies I've already picked up.

[BlueIced]

quitting social media today. i just cant stand all the toxicity and name calling people resort to. looking at it makes me feel dumber. 

[BlueIced]

like with music. I have decided to quit games cold turkey. If i'm going to break this fantasy for good. I need to remove games and music for good. My issue is that games provided a community for me. In real life, I have no idea how to "properly" socialize with people, therefore all of the people who I thought were friends turned out to be shitty assholes who leave me to do all the work but never check in on me unless they want something. I never had a real friend. Even my family ignores me from time to time in conversation. I just don't know where to start or what to do in terms of the social aspect of my life. I want a SO, I want real friends but I don't know how to get them. I don't want to be a loner forever. 

[BlueIced]

How am I able to move on from grudges? There are people who I have hated for no real reason other than the fact I view them as "inferior" or label them "obnoxious". How do I let my anger towards them go and accept them for who they are? How do I start being more compassionate?

[DanielG]

19 minutes ago, BlueIced said:

How am I able to move on from grudges? There are people who I have hated for no real reason other than the fact I view them as "inferior" or label them "obnoxious". How do I let my anger towards them go and accept them for who they are? How do I start being more compassionate?

This is only a suggestion. It sounds pretty crazy, especially if you hold a lot of resentment, anger in your heart, but pray for them. Pray for their happiness, success, and well-being. Wish that they receive all the things you'd like in your own life. This is the suggestion that gets passed around a lot in a community I'm part of, and it works a trick. It is simple, but not easy to do.

... and after a quick Google search, I found the relevant passage in the literature. Neat.

AA Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552
‘If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free…Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.’

And, like a lot of things, compassion is a muscle you can work. In every day situations, taking the time to consider what the other person's experience is. How their day's going, how they're feeling, where they've come from. Expressing that in conversation, or offering to do something nice for someone. Even if they don't take up your offer, it's still practice.

As a bit of unsolicited wisdom/advice, resentments can serve as good ways of finding out where your blind spots are. Recognizing why you view someone as 'inferior', or finding out why you labelled them 'obnoxious', will help you understand what parts of you are threatened and what ways you're trying to protect them. Maybe your self-confidence is low, so you feel like putting people 'beneath' you will help with that. Maybe there's a glaring thing that the obnoxious person does that is something you don't like about your own personality, or something that reminds you of used to do that you still hold embarrassment about. People often say that if there's something really bugging you about someone, chances are it's because it's reflecting some part of yourself you don't like.

I am by no means an expert on you, nor can I tell you to really do anything. For all I know, it could just be these people are annoying and that's all there is to it. These are just suggestions and thoughts that I am passing along. An invitation to reflect on why it is these things are bothering you.

[DanielG]

Also, how's the no video games thing going? It's been a while since you've checked in. 😊

[BlueIced]

4 hours ago, DanielG said:

Also, how's the no video games thing going? It's been a while since you've checked in. 😊

It has been hard I relapsed a few times. But today (day 1), as I was drawing and coloring, I noticed that its way more fun in the real world and to occupy my mind with those activities than a screen. Even today when i checked YouTube, none of it was interesting. None of it and watched a video I already had seen. I think this is a sign that my mind is starting to realize there is more to life than video games. But need to keep consistent. 

[BlueIced]

recently been having nighttime panic attacks all of a sudden. 
 

i would say i have a lot of anxiety but its not usually expressed all that often, and I don't experience panic attacks during the day. in my life as a whole I never experienced anything close to this, and I don't know any family members who deal with it. 
 

has happened twice now. 2 weeks ago and about an hour ago. i cant predict when it will happen, it just comes out of nowhere. i will be sleeping peacefully. then all of a sudden i will become short of breath, lose an awareness of my surroundings, start sweating, and I will call out for help.

 

the scary thing is, the first time this happened, my mom came to see what was up, since I remember screaming "help me" a bunch (to her it just sounded like random screams. This time I yelled "I'm dying, mom help me." and i didn't hear her coming. 
 

this for me is scary overall as I've never had them before and for someone wanting to sleep peacefully in the night and fix their sleep schedule, they're only making things worse. making me fear to go to sleep. that it might happen again. but what's even scarier is that the people within the same space as you may not even realize it's happening or hear something completely different. 
 

im only more stressed out 

[wheatbiscuit]

41 minutes ago, BlueIced said:

recently been having nighttime panic attacks all of a sudden. 
 

i would say i have a lot of anxiety but its not usually expressed all that often, and I don't experience panic attacks during the day. in my life as a whole I never experienced anything close to this, and I don't know any family members who deal with it. 
 

has happened twice now. 2 weeks ago and about an hour ago. i cant predict when it will happen, it just comes out of nowhere. i will be sleeping peacefully. then all of a sudden i will become short of breath, lose an awareness of my surroundings, start sweating, and I will call out for help.

 

the scary thing is, the first time this happened, my mom came to see what was up, since I remember screaming "help me" a bunch (to her it just sounded like random screams. This time I yelled "I'm dying, mom help me." and i didn't hear her coming. 
 

this for me is scary overall as I've never had them before and for someone wanting to sleep peacefully in the night and fix their sleep schedule, they're only making things worse. making me fear to go to sleep. that it might happen again. but what's even scarier is that the people within the same space as you may not even realize it's happening or hear something completely different. 
 

im only more stressed out 

It would be too easy (and unkind) just to say that you'll be alright - I think it's the right thing to talk about this and bring it up in person with friends/family during the day. If you aren't doing moderate (or intermittently vigorous) exercise in daylight hours or reading something somewhat soothing in bed before sleep, I recommend them both. When I changed medication, I experienced what the people I checked in with were calling 'sleep paralysis (shock-leg spasms)' and was getting vivid image reels right before passing out which would wake me back up again, in case you recently changed something else as well as gaming. Weekends can be tougher too, I've noticed. Playing rain sounds (there are continuous streams of it on youtube) from your phone can work. 

[BlueIced]

On 6/13/2023 at 3:47 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

It would be too easy (and unkind) just to say that you'll be alright - I think it's the right thing to talk about this and bring it up in person with friends/family during the day. If you aren't doing moderate (or intermittently vigorous) exercise in daylight hours or reading something somewhat soothing in bed before sleep, I recommend them both. When I changed medication, I experienced what the people I checked in with were calling 'sleep paralysis (shock-leg spasms)' and was getting vivid image reels right before passing out which would wake me back up again, in case you recently changed something else as well as gaming. Weekends can be tougher too, I've noticed. Playing rain sounds (there are continuous streams of it on youtube) from your phone can work

Have been trying your suggestions. They've been helpful. The first night I slept peacefully. Though last night there were several moments when my mind wanted to resort to panic mode, I didn't let it. I haven't been screaming. Thank you

[BlueIced]

After all the relapses I have had, I finally managed to make it to day 2 without relapsing. I think my fear of having panic attacks and them being indirectly related to adrenaline rushes, which are linked to too much usage of screens has something to do with it. Either way this past day and a half I have managed to cut my screen time massively. I also haven't played any games. Gone on any social media or listened to any music. It's been hard, and urges have been strong. I have done it though.

 

I am struggling to find other hobbies to kill time that aren't screen related. I have been reading a lot more but that's been about it. The other use of my time has just been staring at walls. Which is better than playing video games but it doesn't accomplish anything. I'm planning on asking my mom to teach me how to play the ukulele but that only fulfills so much time. What other hobbies are easy to start that don't involve any screens? maybe if i find some answers my urges wont be as strong. My brain won't resort to my addictions. I have a loss of ideas though.

[DanielG]

3 minutes ago, BlueIced said:

What other hobbies are easy to start that don't involve any screens? maybe if i find some answers my urges wont be as strong. My brain won't resort to my addictions. I have a loss of ideas though.

https://gamequitters.com/hobby-tool/

There's this resource which can help pinpoint something that you might like. For me, I got on a lot of walks and ride my bicycle a lot. Reading as well, cooking. And take myself out to coffee shops/dinner, though that can get expensive.

[BlueIced]

Thank you for this resource. Will take a look later.

 

i just wanna say that despite it being only 4 days. it feels nice to not be under the control of these purposeless things. i feel so liberated. the thought of listening to music disgusts me now. with social media it feels great to not care about what everyone is posting. great to be away from the toxicity. i don't even feel left out cause i realize i can validate myself. and in terms of games i just don't care as much anymore. anyway this day is making me excited to see what the future holds.

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

I've definitely cut back on how much music I listen to and how often... But I really can't imagine quitting cold turkey. What exactly is the thought process behind that?

[BlueIced]

3 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

What exactly is the thought process behind that?

Music is a resource which puts my brain into this fantasy world. and once im in said fantasy world, i never leave it. so basically when i listen to music, as it transports my brain, it causes my body to sit there, and do nothing. 
 

that's what's happened before i quit. i wouldn't get anything done, music would just be another road block in my goals. it was as addicting as games, and put me in my head a lot, which made me cranky and aggressive. 

 

the stage my brain is at now, its hard for me to control the amount of time i do something. So for screens, it's either no screens at all or screens all day, I'm unable to do 2 hours or so and call it quits. So if i want to be happier and live a more fulfilling life i need to quit music cold turkey

[BlueIced]

My mom and i have never had a strong relationship. I've always been closer to my dad. 
 

I want to be closer to my mom. In the past few years though almost every conversation has been an argument, her accusing me of something i didn't do, then forcing me to apologize for it, or advice. The advice however, is always useless. In our arguments I've tried calmly telling her my perspective but she doesn't listen and says "i think you don't understand perspective"
 

I admit I have had some flaws too in the relationship. but how can we have a healthier relationship if she is unforgiving (in the fact she blames stuff on me that i didn't do) and unhelpful (in her advice). How do we move on from arguing all the time? 
 

Or should i just not try and detach myself from her.

[wheatbiscuit]

16 hours ago, BlueIced said:

My mom and i have never had a strong relationship. I've always been closer to my dad. 
 

I want to be closer to my mom. In the past few years though almost every conversation has been an argument, her accusing me of something i didn't do, then forcing me to apologize for it, or advice. The advice however, is always useless. In our arguments I've tried calmly telling her my perspective but she doesn't listen and says "i think you don't understand perspective"
 

I admit I have had some flaws too in the relationship. but how can we have a healthier relationship if she is unforgiving (in the fact she blames stuff on me that i didn't do) and unhelpful (in her advice). How do we move on from arguing all the time? 
 

Or should i just not try and detach myself from her.

My family hasn't much coped well with stress. I realised from an early age that I would have to 'branch out' on my own in order to learn and grow. So I did - and when I wanted to bring my family along with me, they couldn't, and this led to my hospitalisation due to the frustration of not being able to truly 'be' with the ones I love.

Basically, I've been learning to 'chill out' while keeping the minimum part of me that needs that growth alive in my head for a little while when alone; to be on their slightly more 'sedate' journeys with them first. Funnily enough, it was joining my classmates as a child/teenager on their journeys, which were at first infinitely more interesting than my family's and my own (or so I believed) that propelled me away from my family in the first place. But if I hadn't, I never would have known who I am.

'Detach' is a good word, but it shouldn't necessarily mean severing ties or ending relationships. Just remember who you are at the back of your mind for when you need it, and try to see a more common/shared world when you're together. 

~~ I've replied because I went through these same feelings over Christmas (my Summer, basically) with my dad and seeing you post about it really made me want less suffering for you. Things have already been better since I stopped gaming though. <<<

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

On 6/20/2023 at 12:23 PM, BlueIced said:

Music is a resource which puts my brain into this fantasy world. and once im in said fantasy world, i never leave it. so basically when i listen to music, as it transports my brain, it causes my body to sit there, and do nothing. 
 

that's what's happened before i quit. i wouldn't get anything done, music would just be another road block in my goals. it was as addicting as games, and put me in my head a lot, which made me cranky and aggressive. 

 

the stage my brain is at now, its hard for me to control the amount of time i do something. So for screens, it's either no screens at all or screens all day, I'm unable to do 2 hours or so and call it quits. So if i want to be happier and live a more fulfilling life i need to quit music cold turkey

I can understand that, I also have a hard time controlling how long I do something. Music naturally moderates itself for me at this point in my life though, I get irritated by too much now haha. I used to listen literally 24/7, can't do that anymore!