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Trying to fill in the void


Gundham
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Day 18 of detox
"The world is smaller than you think" - Zote (Percept no. 46)

Uhh, this was a hectic day. Its already way past my usual bedtime, although not a spot of today was wasted. I argued a little with my girl, eventually settled it, it was my tension bursting a bit and I finally got to name that feeling. She accepted it, although not really well... I hope it will not make our relationship worse.
Swimming went surprisingly well, i got to know couple guys there and classically felt stupid around girls... How do you even make normal contact with those. I feel like everytime I try to talk its automatically flirting. 

Why today was great:
- Went running for the first time in foreever
- Went swingdancing and randomly met a friend i didnt see for a couple years there
- The relationship tension has been lifted... for now
- Saw a cute bunny 

Notable points:
- I am super grateful we have something like park to go running to nearby our flat. I like evening city walks, but not city running.
- I actually used argument "just go game to show her how she hurt you" on myself during argument with girl and it actually scared me. Like holy s***, how far does it want to go. I shut those voices up, but... uh, probably better to not think about it.

Good luck mate, you can do this

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On 9/18/2021 at 10:08 PM, Gundham said:

It was exhausting to get here and craving started on the way already. My worst years regarding gaming addiction happened in this house. I remember often coming home exhausted from school and just slipping behind computer before anybody got home and playing for as long as i was able to.

Despite the fact that the last time I gamed was two and a half years ago, every time I come to my parents' house for anything else than Sunday lunch, my energy and motivation to do anything productive is instantly sapped and I get a permit to just laze around. I can't imagine living there again.

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Day 19 of detox
"Stop struggling!" - Maya

Ikar - one of my main motivations for maintaining my life is to be able to not live there. Its strange, the place is welcoming and so are the parents and there is also a cat, that is like my 3rd sibling. Still the drain happens so fast and out of nowhere. Also 2 and a half years is a big number, i didnt even realize. Great job man.

Still sick and still staying awake too long. Not to game or anything, I just preplanned stuff and now I am kinda overwhelmed. I love it from one side, forgot to preplan free days one the other... might decline saturday plans (spiritual silent walk that i actually look forward to) to chill at home for a bit and finish healing myself. Throat got well, the body still needs to clean itself tho.
I am trying to maintain some kind of physical activity (today it was morning and evening stretch and my work involves a lot of walking), am bad at estimating time to stop myself and rest tho. I am in full speed and want activities, if I dont have any, I get cravings (and the voices saying "its okay, go rest and play" are still iritating). Funny thing is I actually found some activities I can rest with, I just forgot to leave time to those. Well, next week is a week as well and I shall be smarter

Why today was great:
- had a guitar session
- got motivated to do them hikings, I miss guitar around campfire
- lunch was great
- girl helped me with making schedule and she is actively supportive today
- talked with up until today unknown female classmate (...and I already have our future planned. I dont understand this.)
- morning stretch completely released my full nose. For sure best feeling of the day

Notable points:
- my head got dizzy when returning home in the evening, so I focused myself on memes. First time voluntarily from start of the detox. It helped me, but i still feel bad about it.
- I keep doing my morning and evening routine no matter my mindset. It is super helpful to not have to wonder how to start/end a day and have it kinda automatic. 

Good luck mate, you can do this

Edited by Gundham
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Day 20
"Stupid fool" - Nekomaru Nidai

I am angry at myself. 
a) I am going to sleep late 3rd day in a row. This time with addition of waking up early tomorrow.
b) I am still sick, cant care about my health and I will probably miss tomorrows program cause thats the only way to get at least some rest.
c) Just generally for continuing this stupid existence (might be a bit excessive, as I tend to exagerrate my emotions... it feels real right now tho)
Its not like today wasnt productive. Its just my thought processes feel like a total mess. Future feels like a spooky tunnel. Past feels like a lot of work done for nothing and lot of poop done for... i dont even know what for. Probably for more nothing. I am not breaking the detox. I cant. But got heckin dammit, can I just calm down somehow.

Why today was great:
- board game session
- one service got cancelled so i got to just lie down and listen to podcast for good hour and a half. (Still feels like i would need 3-12 more)
- wrist stretch felt less painful
- Nice talk with uncle

Notable points:
- Imagine being able to think straight enough to note anything.

Good luck mate, you can do this (...........)

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Day 21 of detox
"Do you feel like everything seems unreal lately? Not in a bad way though" - Abigail

Another saturday and i was dreading this one after the mess of the day yesterday was. Turned out pretty ok tho. Woke up at 6am completely refreshed (no clue how) and generally had a pretty chill day, even though I had to cancel the trip i was planning. I am sure it was a good choice. Cravings didnt turn up until evening, so now everything is stoopid again. Trying to be chill about it. Not working, as I am drowning myself in sugar. Sigh. I wish my brain functioned normally. Thinking has been feeling really weird lately. Maybe i can just... not think maybe? Sounds unreasonable though. Wait, thats thinking again... aaaa, this is not working out.

Why today was great:
- Decent day regarding movement+rest balance
- Visited cat café 
- mooooore board games (nope, not getting bored or boarded)
- I actually think me and a guy from board games group are becoming good friends. 
- Great food throughout the day overall (maybe too much sugar, but I dont care today)
- Did setup basic schedule for the next week and it is actually looking decent

Notable points:
- I am pretty sure I am not trying to be funny, these are the thoughts my brain offers me. It is useful when dealing with things, it gives me calmness and time to fix stuff (it does probably cost seriousness tho). If i think to much i tend to just overthink, the decisions are more accurate to present tho. Need to balance this.
- It is nice how I am surrounded by people playing computer games but actually make time to spent with me outside of those. Gives me hope I will be able one day as well. Maybe even without the playing computer games part. Well, one can always dream.

Good luck mate, you can do this

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Day 22
"Speak the name of evil and it shall appear" - Gundham Tanaka, Ultimate breeder, Rightful ruler of the earth, Overlord of ice and Master of four Dark Divas of destruction! (hi)

Short summary. Sad day divided between work i hated to do and free time I didnt want to live through, urges were overwhelming me today. I put on a nice face mask for the clients, cant let my anger get into my work, but when I was with myself i just crumbled. Didnt start a game, watched a bit of speedrun and a couple gaming videos tho. I call that a small loss that i want to use to fuel my way forward. Gather experience, stand up, go on. As always. Also I probably need a job change.

Why today was great:
- Managed to eat at least something
- Songs helped to ease at least some tension
- Isolated myself so I dont do anything stoopid to people i care about
- Managed to let my girl know how i was feeling

Notable points:
- The job change thing comes from several things. I dont want to be personal assistant with elderly, it was just comfortable to get work at a place i know from my school placements and it was easy to play games with it/turn down services if I needed. The work is giving me close to nothing, expect keeping my schedule somehow consistent. And finally, I dont think I am good assistant to most of elderly clients, although I kind of got to like them... I look too much like a game character from the world they do not understand and I dont understand theirs. There have been too many services turned down just because of my actual looks or not looking schooled/responsible enough. Am tired of this. How can I show that I actually mean to be kind when I am bad at expressing it/bad at looking like a kind person. Probably need to grow a bit outside of games, but I am contemplating how/where. Oh well, I still have time, although I need stable income to keep the place i live in. Lets set up a plan to figure up new work in 2 months, shall we? That sounds like a reasonable amount of time, for starters... I dont think I will survive in this job much longer

Good luck mate, you can do this

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Okay, i think i should just swallow my pride and post here.
Relapse happened. I feel like I brought it to myself, got my body too exhausted to support me against the pressures of my cravings. I dont feel bad tho. 22 days is a good number for first try. I shall be back soon, not planning to do it now as i still feel exhausted and would probably fall to relapse cycle. I dont think I am cured, my brain is still full of cravings, but I have more control now. It shall be easier to control myself and get myself ready for another try.

Good stuff that happened during this detox:
- got my morning and evening routine set up and they stand tall even with games.
- I have my weekly schedule set up and running
- Rekindled some activities (cooking, board games, swing dance, philosophy, music, exercising) and currently do not feel any intention of stopping although my development will probably slow down.
- I find it easier to dodge yt videos and not kill time with mindless internet scrolling (not that I am free of it, but it is easier)
- Finally learned how to properly spell the word exercise
- Generally my overthinking diminished as I am more free to talk with people and with myself about random things. Heck I even went out with my girl at 4am in the rain for a bit and it was amazing.

Things to note towards future attempts:
- fix my limits. Cant concentrate on myself without energy. (Any tips/books/methods? Am lost in this department)
- set some safety nets to help me if things get ugly
- be more careful about talking to people about games. I probably did it too much, cause at the start of detox I was alone outside of it and it felt horrid. Now I have more people to talk to, so hopefully it will be easier
- find less energy-demanding work

That is all from me for now. I will still be lurking the formus and maybe occasionally post, although I dont feel I have the privilege, since games are currently back in my life. Maybe will post about how/if I manage gaming, dunno. Thank you all for your support and I shall be back!

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Relapses happen. Whenever you are ready for to restart the detox, you are welcome to start up.
Which game are you playing?

First detox used the Respawn ebook as a guide. The list of alternatives to gaming helped me out the most.

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Posted (edited)

@ChewyChickenBones I am playing Genshin Impact. Its not only the game is addicting (well made gacha system), I also really like the game, even with staying f2p (which I will never break). Other games I didnt even think about starting yet. Not sure if I dare not to just restart the detox, my favourite character is coming in rotation soon and i fear i would just relapse again and with harder impact. 

I made some progress in work department, looks like I will be able to cut time in personal assistance and do some accounting job with it. It feels good, just about to keep me occupied but not that energy demanding, I also like the feel of making chaotic documents look all sorted out and nice. All that I need to do is to not fall into rabbit holes and keep my head up.

Cheers and good luck, I will be back.

Edited by Gundham
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Hey guys, still here. Just needed to share some things, even tho I am still in state of relapse. 

Routines are still holding strong. No night playing since the start. Also no oversleeping. 
I made good progress with work, my personal assistance boss was super understanding and let me change my time schedule to minimal, so the plan of having 2 small jobs is becoming a reality.
Therapy is taking an interesting turn. Looks like being addicted to games is a byproduct of being addicted to success. Need to do more research on the topic but it feels right. I dont feel like my life plan is to become successful (or at least, successful in hecking everything I do), it just I feel like I am in a cage of having to do that or I will just die. I am kind of lost in the topic though, its very new... does anyone have any insight, literature, anything that could shed some light? It feels like nonsense a bit, success is something i should want to follow, isnt it?

Cheers to all of you for being awesome, stay strong!

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9 hours ago, Gundham said:

Looks like being addicted to games is a byproduct of being addicted to success. Need to do more research on the topic but it feels right. I dont feel like my life plan is to become successful (or at least, successful in hecking everything I do), it just I feel like I am in a cage of having to do that or I will just die. I am kind of lost in the topic though, its very new... does anyone have any insight, literature, anything that could shed some light? It feels like nonsense a bit, success is something i should want to follow, isnt it?

It's quite an interesting idea. I do not think success itself is the driver most people follow. I think most people want to avoid feeling bad, so they are loss-averse by nature. I don't think I've ever met anyone who likes to lose, make mistakes etc. I think what happens with us in games overall is this: There is a way to eliminate failure. Some games allow for that, others do not.

I can't possibly "permanently lose" e.g. a Pokémon Crystal game - if I get beat, I lose some money, but my Pokémons are still the same, nobody takes them away from me and I can always go back to the start and beat level 2 Caterpies and ask for pocket money from your in-game mom.

It was more difficult with games like XCOM or FTL, because there was a chance I just lost no matter what I did and because they are RNG games to a great degree, but most of the time my decisions mattered and I could influence the fate of the game-play. The same goes towards online games like HS too - sometimes my opponent got the perfect cards and I lost.

And all of the above, I can track pretty well, either through in-game statistics or through spreadsheets, the options are endless. The idea that games provide "constant measurable progress" is in some of Cam's GQ videos. Mind you that too much success (and no challenge) leads to complacency, rigidity and ultimately downfall. There's no growth without pressure. The issue with real life is that it can't be put into numbers very easily.

---

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it.

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On 10/13/2021 at 8:41 AM, Gundham said:

does anyone have any insight, literature, anything that could shed some light? It feels like nonsense a bit, success is something i should want to follow, isnt it?

Hi Gundham. I am not sure whether it helps you, but recently I've  read(listen a podcast actually on YT) a book " You are a badass" J. Sincero. I really recommend you to read this. It contains general leads and tips how to focus more on your occupations and goals and also there are references about the success too. It says that, you should in general follow staff you decided to follow, I mean the stuff your guts tells you to follow. I found it really inspiring. Enjoy it bro. Take care

Edited by Wojciech S.
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Hey there,
some dark days happened. Today is my first day accounting and i actually found myself some free time to write... not that i didnt have time, free time is controlling me again tho. Past days were... i do not really want to talk about it, way too much gaming, bad self-care, dunno, it just all merged together into a time I am sad i lived. There were some bright moments tho, routines didnt die, I still managed to go to most of my appointments and therapy was inspiring too... I probably need it more often. We had a disagreement with my therapist, I wanted to talk about my problems, she kinda neglected it with me being way too much focused on my problems and let them define me... And she cant really understand me, because i talk through my problems and not through my strengths, or my dreams, like, my dreams are to be free of problems. Cant stop thinking about it. In this light, gaming could be an escape from those problems (and it would make another problem itself with gaming being seen negatively by most of my surroundings...)

@Wojciech S.I will check the podcast out, it looks like a thing I could need right now tbh. Thanks for the tip!

Stay strong people, I shall be back

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I agree with the above. The dark days has to come eventually. But you need to embrace them!. Really it is not mumble-bumble talk. You need to realize that having bad days, helps you overcome the bigger issues of yours. You've got this!. Take care. 

Edited by Wojciech S.
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