Mhyrion

Thank you Robert, you brightened up my day with this comment! I will continue slayin' it --- Thanks for your suggestion! Dutch people aren't exactly known for their outgoing nature either --- Wednesday I went kickboxing with the ladies and it was super awesome! Extremely awesome. I enjoyed it even more then I anticipated. It was partially due to the hand wraps which I bought. I felt an infinite amount more dangerous then I really was. Anyhow, I also grossly underestimated how exhausting it would be. Or I overestimated myself. Or both. I ended up way more tired and battered then I thought I would be and I didn't have a plan for that. So, on Thursday I failed through a very sluggish day at work and then realized in the evening going to the gym again had great chances of not ending well. I decided not to go and long-story-full-of-excuses short: we ate Chinese take-out while watching series and what not. Not the end of the world, but certainly not in line with my commitments and goals in life either. --- Workouts: are going fine. Was able to jump robe 7 out of 10 minutes, a new record. Feel like I am unlearning(?) how to do a push-up again. Need to do it more often. Gym: I don't think I have the amount of energy needed to go kickboxing twice a week, at least not until my body gets used to the bruising and I understand the basics of defence. I feel disappointed, I thought I could do this. But I've forgotten the key strategy here: ease into it. I'll first need to get used to this more exhausting lesson before going two lessons a week. And perhaps those two lessons shouldn't be both kickboxing to start with. To not dwell on my feelings of failure and disappointment: I feel hugely motivated when I realize I am working towards becoming a women with combat prowess. Ain't that super badass? I think it is, and it puts me on fire imagining myself like that. New gym goals: -try the Tuesday lesson before Feb 1st. -try the Monday lesson before Feb 1st. -try out the fitness before Feb 1st. -continue going to the gym once a week Eating: failed with Chinese take-out, and that puts a enormous dent in a healthy week. Still tracking everything, will evaluate at the end of this week. Social: still didn't make a concrete goal. Will do this weekend. Efforts this week: I have tried my patience and smiles on hubby, and our conversations seem more friendly and lengthy. I greeted my co-workers when coming in and leaving, which I normally neglect a lot. I've introduced myself to the newyearresolutioners at the gym and asked the gym-owner to learn me how to properly wrap my hands.

Welcome Zach! Other things will become interesting again, but it might take some time. It is however super worth it!

Lol no! Hangover or not, I can't seem to make this a coherent piece of text anyway. ;p --- To be honest, I didn't really think much about my privacy when first posting. Perhaps if I had thought it through more thoroughly before starting journaling, I would've kept it more private. At one point I felt ashamed and removed my profile picture. I am beyond that now (but deem it too unimportant to put it back up now). Sure, I've written stuff that borders on TMI and I might still relive the shame I felt then when I read it back. But we all start somewhere. Quitting games is now something I am proud of, something that made me who I am. People can see that side of me. That's also why I decided to post the selfie with Hitaru. Still, I didn't feel the need to point people to my journal besides hubby. Friends and family know that I connected with a community with other game quitters, but that's about it. They (anyone) could easily find me back if they would really like to play detective on me or asked about it more thoroughly. I don't think they care to that extent. In fact, I am quite sure noone beside me really cares about all the details I share. In that sense, I could keep my journal entries a lot shorter and to the point, but it serves me better with all the rambling in it. They do care about the bigger picture (progress (like: lost weight) and achievements (like: graduated)) and that's what they'll see and hear from me anyway without reading the journal on here. If I had kept my journal more private from the start though, it would not have had the same use for me. Writing more freely allowed me express myself and help me navigate through emotions and hard times, and receive feedback and support needed. How much you share on this forum does indeed not reflect on how authentic you are as a person. You should use it in a way that helps you; whether that is to vent, to keep yourself accountable, to connect with others struggling with the same subjects, keep track of goals and progress, to express yourself, or any kind of thing that you can get out of it. Nothing of this is obliged if you do not desire it or leads to a goal you strive for (also desire, I guess). And if you did any of this but not desired it, would it be authentic?

I'll answer tomorrow when there's no carbid bangs and music piercing through my train of thoughts

It think it's an attractive beard as well! Meeting with Hitaru really is the highlight of this glum, rainy end of the year. If I were 5 to 10 years younger I would've now typed Hitaru in caps with tons of hearts, but I am holding back the strong urge It also sparked a feeling of being extremely Dutch, in the sense that this isn't exactly a good thing. God, I am icy as fuck. I welcome this increased self-awareness though. --- Decided to skim through 'How to win friend etc' to see what stands out to me the most. I am wondering how I survived up till this point, basically stumbling through the social aspect of life blindfolded. I'll use the same tactic that has proven it's worth with eating healthier and exercise: slowly ease into change and move forward with the momentum that builds up from that. The thing that speaks to me most right now is smiling more. That seems like a minor, doable change and a nice way to share my happiness with others. I've also read a great many times that smiling, laughing and adapting a positive posture can make one more happy and positive. Just as pretending to be confident can lead to being more confident. The human brain is fascinating. Anyhow, gotta think on how to to make smiling into a solid goal. Since I am not going to be able to count the smiles or the frankness of the smiles or anything silly like that, I assume a lot of reflecting, perhaps on a day by day basis, will be needed. This week has been real busy! I impressed myself with how many activities I had energy for. Went swimming with hubby past Thursday; I love it when he takes initiative like that. Super attractive. It was an amazing pool with slides and streams and things to climb (that weren't really meant to, but hell). Felt like trying/showing off my new found muscle strength, got rewarded with a lot of muscle ache, haha. Friday was a busy day too, and I've encountered the limits of my energy levels. My body and mind feel real sluggish today, so I shall permit myself some rest. I've still got a jig saw puzzle of a snowy volcano, which is perfect for now. --- Weight: Dipped under 60kg, hurray! Wondering about follow up goals. Will keep doing what I am doing food and exercise wise, so I'll stay around the 60kg, perhaps even lose some more fat. I need to prioritize buying new clothes by now, my pants are falling down my hips. I decided to keep one pair as a reminder how much progress I've made, if I ever doubt it. Eating: Loads of cheats this week. I don't feel stressed about it (huge improvement), I rather feel motivated to get back on it. Yesterday and today were back on track. Food tracking: Wrote down portions to the gram wherever possible this week. So much effort… Since this week was a very atypical week for me, I am not sure if the data is really helpful. I feel more aware of how much nutritional value certain foods have and how dense they are. Food smarts, woo. Will track next week too, which should be a typical week. Gym and exercise: Atypical is kinda the word of the week. The gym was closed, but I absolutely had a lot of exercise in the pool and doing chores around the home to make up for that. Meanwhile I am starting to look forward to the coming weeks when I'll try the women's kickboxing and the technique lessons. While I am at it I want to stay after the women's lesson to look at the MMA hour and I might even try Crossfit and the fitness. I haven't tried a great many things, who knows what I might end up liking?

I am happy to see you progress so much! In terms of thinking about a detox, or diet, I see myself thinking much alike you lately. It's not just a temporary state anymore to not game or not eat bad food, but a way of life, a part of your identity.

Clearly, I was way too early with writing what 2017 had brought me, because @Hitaru and I met in Amsterdam last Wednesday! (My happy face says it all, really)

Dealing with these kind of emotions is so, so important. I am impressed you are so honest with yourself only 6 days into your journal! Way to go! Try to muster some kindness and patience to yourself in this process. I personally found that a little patience and self-love helped a ton with handling feelings I had suppressed for a long time.

Yessss, love you too! --- Merry Christmas to you too! --- I don't know how I thought I could live without understanding my body but I see the error of my ways now. I feel like I am reinventing myself. I decided to take a long walk yesterday, focusing on my posture and trying to get the strength from my legs and glutes instead of just walking. Realizing that I have done this simple thing ineffective/wrong all this time seems rather silly. And I really was doubting sharing it, it's a bit shameful. Like geez, who doesn't know how to walk properly? That's like one of the first skills you learn as a baby. It is refreshing though to just be honest with myself. I need to practice my posture, I need to practice engaging my muscles, I need to practice my brain being the captain of my muscles. *imitates boat horn* I also don't see how I thought I don't need other humans around me. Well, not many of them anyway. What fascinating, amazing, wondrous, creative people have I already missed, disconnected with or pushed away? It's a shame, I don't know what else to call it. I feel like pounding my chest like a gorilla, I am so ready for change. Yesterday I skimmed through the first chapter of 'How to win friends etc' and I am for sure going to have a tough time with it. I criticize, condemn and complain a lot. I don't want other people to do that to me, why should I feel entitled to do that to them? I will need a bit more time pondering about all this, but then I should be ready to formulate a social goal. --- Weight: 60.1 on the scale this morning. Almost Christmas present, haha. I am however rethinking my goals. It's really great I got this low number. In fact, I haven't seen a number this low since 2013 (the oldest weight data I have) and probably some time before that. However, my desire is moving on to creating some muscle and thus weight. There's still a lot of fluff that I rather see gone, but I think extra gym time starting in January will take care of that. Eating habits: Just when you proudly write in your journal how you can successfully negate any treats offered at work, you completely fall flat on your face with restraining yourself on a b'day party of a friend. Saying no to loved ones is much harder, being constantly in low proximity of super sweet food is also a big factor. Also, having a alcoholic beverage really throws all care about what I eat out of the window, bc u know, I am having a reaaaaaally good time and I don't think straight even after one drink. (I was very talkative and social though..) I think more motivation (THINK: MUFFIN TOP) before attending such social gathering will go a long way. Also just not drinking if there's huge amounts of food around. I have an excellent practice opportunity tomorrow. Eating slow I have made little improvement on, but I also didn't commit myself to taking away all distractions while eating. So what do you know; no commitment, no change. How very unsurprising! Point is, I don't feel hungry after dinner anymore since switching to whole grains and reducing processed foods, so I am not sure I need to continue trying this. I do want to continue to be more aware of the act of eating and how it makes me feel, so I am still going to go ahead and will remove distractions while eating this week anyway. Muscles: I am currently educating myself how and how much I should start eating for my body to have the energy to create muscle. God, there's so much information out there, it's a bit much at times. I do know I absolutely hate tracking everything I eat, the chances of me going into perfection mode are rather damn high. But I am doing it this week because A) I have a lot of time on my hands and a food scale ready B) I want to know how much calorie intake I am at and where those calories are coming from. The current intake I suspect is really rather low, otherwise I would never be able to loose weight at this rate. Anyhow, from B I can device a plan on how to improve my diet to align with my not yet written down and not yet specific goals. Gym and workouts: gym is closed the coming week, will replace with swimming with hubby and adding some shadow boxing to my other workouts. Workouts went super past weekend, muscles are a bit complainy right now though. Points for improvement: Haven't made any note on this here, but I think it's important enough and I am being honest as fuck today anyway. I tend to lose my shit when I lose my shit. I know, I am being extra special cheesy today. The past weeks I lost my keys and later my ID, and that just throws me in a panicky rage when trying to locate them. It's immature, unhelpful and shows how much self control I have yet to grow. --- Geez, really don't know why I have the desire to type damn novel length pieces in here, but if you read this entire wall of text, I am proud of you and you deserve a pat on the back.

Thanks! It means a lot to me that I've become a source of joy to you. Super fabulous! --- Yes, I've been here a year now! And it's been such a good and challenging year! These forums have proved to be an excellent place for reflection and support and I am thankful for everyone making it possible! As per celebration I thought it was fitting to make a (incomplete) list of what I have done this year: -got in touch with my emotions -quit gaming* -graduated! -found a hobby in kickboxing -found a friend and inspiration in @Hitaru -finished the Beyond program -learned how to set goals -learned how to motivate myself -learned how to plan for success -started to eat healthier -improved daily self-care by a ton -improved looks -lost weight -gained stamina and drastically improved energy-levels -improved self-awareness -improved cooking skills -acted more pro-active in friendships/relations -found a job -picked up reading books again -picked up jig saw puzzling -learned how to take care of plants -reduced time spend watching youtube etc. -starting to come out of my social shell and starting to feel genuine interest in people -made a habit of walking a lot -took good care of our household -improved living environment by doing odd jobs around the house -made and continued to update a financial overview of expenses Now this next year, I want all this continued and improved! I am transitioning from surviving to living, and that's an incredible journey. Obligatory Daft Punk --- *I never came back on my casual playing of games a couple of weeks ago. I stopped doing that. It was a good way to find out every game will end up the same. Either repetitive and boring or repetitive and addicting. --- Also, I thought this was on point:

Weight goal: going great. Eating habits: eating slow sometimes. Most of the time I just plainly forget about it. Eating dinner without distractions helps, but it seems to cost concentration (?) to just sit and eat and not be entertained at the same time. Eating after dinner is at a low. Hunger feelings too. Deciding for treats from co-workers is no longer an automatic yes but an automatic no, which 'saves' me from a lot of super-duper sugary pies. Work outs and gym: work outs went fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Found some stretches I really like for my back. I want to put some additional focus on strengthening my back and neck as I tend to slouch a lot. This not only looks stupid, it also hurts and sometimes worsens headaches. Gym training sucked a bit. I couldn't keep up with the cardio, I just couldn't get the air I needed. Made me feel weak. I felt nice after training though. I decided to go to the gym twice a week from now on, upgrading/replacing one of my workouts. Social: …and then after gym training came a training even more tough. I stayed around for the Christmas event. Which was super awkward. For some reason though, N. decided to help me out though; introducing everyone's name, asking a bit about me and 'dragging' me into the conversations. Saved my evening, this man. I do remember some names too, which I think is really important and something I normally suck at. So some success achieved, need more practice. Tomorrow (maybe) 'How to win friends and influence people' will be arriving. And tonight more practice with a b'day party. I also sort of mentally prepared myself for Christmas at my parents by having at least one question ready for everyone present. I don't know if normal people do this kind of thing, but I feel like it will be helpful.

Get well soon!

Great going, keep it up!

Welcome! Great start uninstalling!

Had to succumb to my headache yesterday, I tried to push myself through it but in the end I just kept feeling more and more miserable. Slept for hours and hours. Didn't exercise. But I was extra happy today to notice it was gone and man, was I feeling happy after my work out. I need more activities to fill my free time though. I have found a hobby in kick-boxing, I could perhaps try doing that twice a week. I also spend a lot of time in the kitchen this weekend, making soup (not a success but edible and healthy) and oatmeal cups. (This, without the protein powder) The latter where much fun to create, super tasty, and if you're easy on the honey, healthy. Perhaps cooking can be a hobby too, even though I despise it at times, at other times I find much pleasure in it. At least it's very good at supporting a healthy lifestyle. I replaced watching youtube with walks and reading a book, but I can't do that all day either. I also finally found to courage to re-pot my plants to the pots I decorated. Propagating succulents is something I can try out, but that's not really gonna consume much time either I suppose. My goals right now are all health related, I should find a social goal to focus on. I am planning to go to the gyms Christmas event next week. I would really regret not sticking around for that and perhaps if I don't feel too awkward I can introduce myself to some others. 'How to win friends and influence people' comes to mind, so I'll get that. Perhaps some specific goals can flow from a deeper understanding of the subject. I don't mind being a quiet person, I do mind being too shy/awkward to ask for help or hold/start basic conversations.

Happiness has been halted by my body trying to murder me period. I am insanely proud though that I went to the gym regardless and trained super hard, just forgetting about the pain I was in. Also got rewarded with being pushed out of my comfort zone during the warming up with an exercise that meant sort-of sparring with a partner and thus also physical touch. Not boxing each other but a game of touch the thigh (or however you should call it). Which I found incredibly fun. Tried to be a bit social too and had a short conversation. Nothing much, but that's better that nothing at all. Weight goal: now 61.5kg and proud. Halfway onward to my goal of weighing 60 at the end of January. Just gonna keep doing what I am doing. Didn't think it would go this smoothly at all. Eating: Wholegrain bread is a keeper. Tried brown rice instead of white too, also here to stay. Eating slow is just… I can't even. Didn't think this would be so challenging, but it is to me. Cravings after dinner have been low, been taking fruit or bread if really needed. My food isn't 100% clean, but it's definitely where I want it to be right now. When I do take something super processed/sugary/forbidden, it's limited amounts and not munched without proper enjoyment. And I like the gradual changes, I can keep up with that. The thing I wish I would've done better this week is watching less YouTube. Way less actually, binged quite a bit. Interesting how a bad habit like that is just back and taking over within a week. So, the reigns are back with me now.

@Shine Magical Master of chores, conqueror of mundane tasks, etc, etc. My life still revolves a lot around the day-to-day life. Mostly really. But I think you really need to have your shit together before getting on with the greater things. --- I am slowly becoming more of an authority figure in my own life. It's awesome to be the boss of me. Today was stretching day, but felt energetic and did a tiny work out. Didn't feel much muscle ache from yesterdays work out either. I think I can push myself harder during the work out to get more out of it. It's only a few minutes, better make them count. Finally dared looking at the push-up again, because I kept failing on them and got a bit frustrated. Found a video with the golden tip (for me anyway), and another with an exercise I hope will prevent my wrists from hurting. I have high hopes. Also, I devised a plan to get out of my comfort zone. I will go kick boxing against other women instead of the punching bag. This both scares and excites me greatly. Due to unfortunate planning though, it will have to wait three weeks. So plenty of time to mentally prepare myself. While plundering our attic for skiing gear, I found an old pair of jeans. Flip-phone-markings old. I jokingly put them on. "Those will never fit, haha". They fit. I love it when life gives you little golden nuggets like that. Hubby is starting to notice my body getting shapely too and has been giving out compliments. Which is normally quite rare. At one point he was genuinely impressed. Which is even rarer. It makes me glow. I swear I am getting at the point where I question whether it is legal to be so insanely happy.

@WorkInProgress Thanks for getting my brain on a thinking train -whether intentional or not-. Chook Chook! @Hitaru I am actually getting pretty darn good at taking breaks whenever needed. (I might even be a bit too easy on myself at times ;)) Just feeling damn ambitious this week. --- I feel like I am really gettin somewhere with all this thinking and reflecting on what I want. The exercise and eating commitments are building blocks for something bigger, or they can be, I have to figure out what I really want. I have not dreamed big in a while, just getting the regular life in great shape first. I have progress to be made socially, although I do not have a plan for that. I have shown some more proactive-ness and friendly-ness connecting with my family and friends, so that's a good step forward. I like being the one reaching out every once in a while. Connecting with co-workers.. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them forgot my existence entirely or think I am Ebenezer Scrooge reincarnated. I just find them boring and uninteresting and my attitude and interaction have been very, very cold. Except for my closest co-worker, with whom I have great conversations and aligned interests. I wonder if I can make it work after leaving this job? I would really rather like that. Connecting with people at the gym has failed big time. Really don't know what to do with myself, what to talk about, how to react. Perhaps I should find a book or podcast or something focussed on how to connect better. Spiritually, I have done nothing of late. Nothing that would count in my book anyway, so no church visits or praying or anything like that. I feel better without it, and that's a bit of a scary thing to realize. I feel like I am letting go of the pressure that seemingly automatically came with it, all the expectations I created for myself. I think it's one of the reasons why I feel much more at peace with myself of late. But I do feel like missing out on something really important as well. Perhaps I just need this period of cool down and letting go of how I've always done/experienced things to be reset. Will see how things develop, it doesn't leave my mind. What's a healthy body gonna do without the sound mind? (Jump of cliffs, that is) Now about dreaming big. Hubby had to make a bucket list for some personal development thing from his trainee-ship, came up with nothing. Fucking (lovable) goof. But I rather liked the idea. So I've been brooding on this. Can't say I've figured it out yet and with the biggest, wildest ideas I find a lot of resistance from my pessimist side. 'That's never gonna happen', 'You can never do that', or -my favourite- 'You should've started a lot earlier to succeed in that now'. If I am too late to start with things now I better get in my coffin already. Silly thoughts. Anyway, to be extremely vague, there's one big dream in particular that caught my attention. But that's really the biggest, silliest, wildest dream I've had in a long, long time and I am not comfortable sharing it yet because I don't want to come back on it or just put it out here before I have thought about it a bit longer. And in the end, dreams are just that, dreams, if you do not make them reality after all.

Made an excellent soup today. Practice paid off. I am impressed with this. Gym commitment: failed this week, did extra work-outs to compensate. Workout commitment: halfway this week. Tried timed workouts focused on one part of the body, love those. Used a 10 min work-out count town music from yt for cardio. Liked that. Realized having a focus point for rope skipping really helps prevent tripping, so am improving. Added some more stretching before and after, just seems to really help a ton with muscle aches. I made a schedule for myself, increasing workout commitment to three times a week. Mo: stretch-out 20 min Tu: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, abs 10 min, stretch 5 min We: stretch-out 20 min Th: kick-boxing 60 min Fr: stretch-out 20 min Sa: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, legs 10 min, arms 10 min, stretch 5 min Su: work-out: stretch 5 min, cardio 10 min, mixed 20 min, stretch 5 min Being committed to this also means I have to adjust cooking and chores to make sure I have time and the peace of mind to do it. Weight goal: Stayed the same weight. I feel though my weight is going more towards muscles then fat now. I can see my hourglass shape returning from under the fluff. Booty looks better. I noticed this first two weeks ago, but wasn't sure if it was just me being very confident all of a sudden, or actual change. Eating habits: I am trying whole grain breads instead of white. Makes me feel really full, but I do not enjoy the taste. Going to keep trying out different wholegrain breads until I find my match. Tried to chew/eat slowly this week, not sure if it helps with feeling full. Will continue to try. Mustered as much will power as I could to not binge on snacks the birthday parties. Succeeded on the first one. Flunked on the second one, but still ate a lot less then I normally would have on a 'normal' party. Overall, binging at home is at a low and I feel more in control of how much I eat. Stop eating dinner when full: working on it. Had enough awareness on some nights. Not eating something additionally immediately after dinner: failed. Lack of commitment/care. Evaluate hungry feelings at 20:00ish: failed.

What do you mean with fitnesslevel weight? Fat versus muscle weight gain/loss? Or increasing x amount of weight/time/reps on a workout? I know about smart goals. I set commitments for now, with a goal for losing weight. I am still figuring out what works for me in regards to workouts and the gym whilst also building up some common sense / basic knowledge. Setting smart goals would definitely be crucial once I am entirely sure what works for me.

Gym commitment has failed this week. Gym decided to be closed yesterday evening because silly national traditions (and only posting about it at 13:00, for real) and I am prevented the rest of the evenings. I was disappointed and also counting on having a trainer do the thinking, counting, pacing (and partial motivating) for me. I regret not immediately taking action by doing a workout at home when I found out. I guilt tripped in my dreams. Dreamt of getting fat and not daring to go back to the gym and what not. My brain is pessimist at times. Anyway, after not immediately taking action, I did however educate myself further on different workouts and other things related. I woke up earlier this morning to do an ab workout (or muffin top burner as it was called, which sounds way more fun). It was short, I definitely can't do side planks, but it was also sweet and left me with unusual high energy levels for the early morning. I like the focus of just doing the one thing. I will try other focused work-outs too. Anyway, off to an evening of resisting muffin top treats. It's astounding how much it helps to just think muffin top instead of bad. Gonna be an expert at motivating myself by the end of this journal.

Welcome!

Fruit as dessert sounds great, I will try that to see if it reduces sweet cravings. I've tried chewing slower, also smaller portions and smaller forks and plates, but I have a hard time enjoying my dinner that way. But I tried this a long time ago, perhaps the goal of losing weight can help with another try. And I swear I don't know what to do during dinner if there's no TV-series/movie involved. Have meaningful conversation? Hubby and I both aren't great conversationalists and I can only sweet talk the cat for so long --- After venting in my journal a bit yesterday, I idled around on the internet a bit and decided to find out what yt/google thought would help with strained muscles. Found a wonderful stretch-out (there's really no work or strain and hardly any sweat involved, so work-out would be the wrong term here). After 20 minutes of stretching only ordinary muscle ache remained. Today I had to work hard in the morning to restrain myself from just idling around, and succeeded. Felt miserable during my work-out, felt great afterwards.

I am glad you're back and shared your story. Indeed be gentle with yourself, self-love is an important part of getting back on track and staying there.

Aka as favourite(?) lurker. Have fun on your trip!