Marquess

Day 19: Chore Haven't slept at all tonight; I can't exactly say why. I also don't know how the next week's gonna look like. Is the most difficult part still ahead? Or is this it? All I wanted was a solid night's sleep, so I could get come kind of a day going. Now this. Take a shower, wash hair, shave, get fresh clothes, write on GQ. Go to the store and buy food and things. I've been forced to fast for the last 4 days because I spent too much money on trash food and drinks last month. Then don't fall asleep until evening. But eventually get so tired you can't even sit, so lie down and set an alarm after 1 hour. Try not to fuck it up. Tomorrow pretty much the same, but also work on getting somewhere on your content mill of choice. That actually is somewhat exciting: there seem to be some 700 words articles that pay over 30 dollars in the top rank. A rank which I don't yet have. They of course expect quality; I google what the top articles on the topic are like and I see punctuation errors galore and mediocre style at best. I should probably be good, fine. (But who knows. Some jerk gave me a 4.5 stars rating instead of 5 after I delivered a nearly poetic 150 words description of an image I spent more than an hour on. I even added another, trimmed-telegraph-style, version at the end just in case. This is the definition of over-delivering and he gives me 4.5 stars.) I can earn 30 dollars a day from Monday to Friday and live just fine*. Such are the few benefits of living in Eastern Europe. Jelly? *I own my apartment and don't mind a NEET-like lifestyle. A fancier term is a "minimalist lifestyle" but come on.

Day 18: The Slight Edge Kortheo suggested I have a look at a self help book called "The Slight Edge", and my initial response was that I'll have a look if I can pirate it. I'm not too keen on most of self help as you can see from a recent post. Even so, I googled it and found an abridged audio version, and it's a good thing I did -- it's one of the better self help books out there. The basic premise is that every single action you take contributes to where you'll be in a month, a year, five years. The difference between successful people and average failures is that they're aware of that: taking one (1) positive action right now is easy, but it's also easy not to take it. Studying for an hour won't make you more successful right now, and browsing a YouTube instead won't make you broke and miserable. Not today, anyway. And definitely not tomorrow. It's easy to fuck around for another hour, but how hard is it to devote an hour to improving yourself? It's not exactly the opening scene of Saw VII (NSFW). It also presents a model that consists of your philosophy (how you think), the resulting attitude (how you feel), knowledge how to actually do things, and real actions. It made me to have long look at my own attitude and, more importantly, philosophy. It's not pretty. Here's a direct transcript of notes I've jotted down in my notebook yesterday. It's not NSFW, but the punctuation is probably worse than the above Saw scene. My comments as I type it down are in [brackets]. I still need to finish it, and I'm sure to write about it again. The book makes use of various quotes including Alice in Wonderland: “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where -' said Alice. 'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat. '- so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation. 'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.”

gz on level 150 :u

Day 17: A Night Like This Another horrible night. I laid in bed for hours just obsessing about everything again. I tried meditating, which seemed to help a little, but I was still unable to relax until I became too tired to worry. I eventually said to myself that I'll have plenty of time to be anxious tomorrow, and that I should just put it aside for now, agreeing (with myself, heh) that it was the first sensible thought I had in hours. Everyone seems to talk about cold showers and their benefits. I've tried them a few times, and I can see why people enjoy them, but I'm not nearly in a position to even consider implementing them to my daily life. Really, taking a hot shower is one of the few things that relaxes me, especially in the absence of WoW and drinking. So no thanks, you go and pour the ice cold water over yourselves all you like. Why Cam is (kinda) wrong in his video In his last video, Cam tells us that we're not lazy because we've spent so much time and energy on games, so it's just a matter of redirecting this drive into something that will benefit our lives. It sounds great and it definitely makes for a good video, but I wouldn't say it's entirely right. The problem is: most modern games are made to appeal to the largest possible crowd, and if you've been following this journal, you know what my opinion on normal people is. These games are made so they don't require any real effort -- analytic thought, spatial perception, reflexes, clutch moves -- they instead grant a false sense of achievement through a system of rewards for repeated actions. (This is also where micro transactions come in place: pay 5 dollars for this item that your friends had to spend two days on. The actual in-game value is derived from the fact that it takes a certain time to obtain; not from it requiring any sort of skill to get.) This is also how most people play World of Warcraft. Sure, the game has its competitive aspects, some of which are complex and infinitely fun (3v3 arena), but the majority of WoW players have always been casuals that mostly just grind and chat. It's just like real life. Most people grind their shitty jobs and gossip. This is why Cam's idea isn't fully right. It does apply to those who've actually invested real effort into their games, but it doesn't apply to the majority of players*. However, it'd be safe to argue that those people who make it to Gamequitters do have the potential to become something more than just another peasant. This community is going against the still widely accepted narrative that gaming is either a harmless hobby (maybe for some) or a legitimate lifestyle (being a junkie is a lifestyle as well, fuck you), so the majority of people that make it here will be exceptional by definition. This is bound to change as the population increases. It always does. So enjoy it while it lasts :PpppPPPPPPpppppppPpPPPPppppPppppp. Vivian, the GamerGate's mascot, was used to romanticize the "gaming lifestyle". It served a specific reason at the time, but not without negative effects. PS: One could say that moving the grind from video games to real life can produce positive results as well. While this is true, the potential effect is limited. Even seemingly grindy activities like lifting or bodybuilding require a good amount of knowledge and thought, and one must re-develop these qualities (that have atrophied during the gaming period) to achieve good results. *I don't think grinding qualifies as effort, and that's a whole other debate. It is effort in a technical sense that it requires a functioning body and time, but these kind of actions never produce anything relevant.

Hobbits are creatures not known for any innate magical properties except for the ability to make themselves extremely hard to be seen. "I believe in you even if you're a random person on the internet" should be this page's subtitle. Time to make another promising suggestion thread. Thanks!

BTW, has anyone ever experienced actual physical pain as a result of gaming withdrawal? I did last night, and it was worse than getting off booze. At least the intensity of pain, the duration was a lot shorter still. I guess the resulting anxiety can lead to very pronounced physical symptoms (Google says yes).

Day 16: This Too Will Pass People sometimes bless me with various self help truisms. They assume I'm unfamiliar with them due to my often aggressive tone. That's not the case at all; I've read my fair share of self help, watched the videos, and discussed ideas. The only person that, at this point, regularly tells me something new is Leo Gura: his mental exercises are fucking amazing. I should post some here but not today. My main problem with self help is that, ech, it's mostly aimed towards normal people. They don't really want to do any work, they don't want to challenge themselves, they just want to feel good. And so every motherfucking self help book will include the following: Ok, so let me deal with another great piece of W I S D O M here because why not. We're stuck here for the next 74 days anyway. "This to will pass." (there's a version that uses "shall" instead of "will", but actually using shall gives me an urge to repeatedly throat fuck myself with a huge cucumber, and I don't even have a cucumber so yeah.) My withdrawal is getting worse, and worse (and worse), and I spent most of the past night in a fetal position, thinking about how great it would be to relapse in every imaginable sense. WoW, terrible food, and drinkz for dayz! yayz :3 ^^ *dances* Lucky for me, the effects of ketogenic diet on cognition are amazing, so I've been feeling almost entirely fine when I got up. And I carry on. We carry on. One positive and helpful concept to keep in mind in such situations is: no matter how horrible and perhaps near-suicidal are you feeling right now, your situation will get better if you just do your absolute best to soldier through it. It's happened numerous times in past, so it's safe to say it's a rule. The same applies to the times when you're feeling well and everything's going your way: this too will pass. So, I don't know, maybe stock up on dried/canned food and drinking water because the fucking zombie apocalypse is coming and your greatest worry should be armed gangs of looters, not zombies. Also learn some wilderness survival skills and probably how to hunt. Trading deer meat for sex. What a way to enjoy the apocalypse. Right, so we got that out of the way. Here's a very cute video of a buddhist monk explaining the concept. Years ago now, I'd listen to hours of his stuff while playing WoW and getting drunk -- then go out and be all mellow and friendly to everyone. Even random strangers. It worked great and once I almost landed an amazing girlfriend that way, but after two hours of great conversation, it turned out she's married. I stood up and walked away. Gotta watch for the ring at this age, dude. PS: Tomorrow, get ready for a post about why Cam's latest video is (kinda) false.

Kudos for dramatic title! I love it. I can relate to your situation as I'm of similar age (30) and have spent a major part of my 20s glued to WoW. Never was all that into stimulants (they crash my mood and energy for a week after each use), but I'm a proud (sober) booze addict. I'd say the most important thing you can do right now is not to rush everything at once. I know you have an entire list of positive changes you can introduce into your life, but it's a lot better just to focus on one or two instead of burning up all your willpower on a new lifestyle that's completely alien to you. (And failing miserably as a result.) I also recommend you start doing a 90 days program and try to get an accountability partner ASAP. I learned that just screaming into the void doesn't help much; you need as much structure and support as you can get. I'm on day 16 right now, and honestly, I'd have relapsed by now if not for both 90 days detox and my partner (he really is more like a sponsor at this point). Please ask if you have any questions and keep posting. This community is great and can really help turning your life for the better.

Fiverr is just one of such sites. There are many others, and they all employ various models. Some make you write applications for every single job, some require you to hold a certain rating to even qualify for jobs. Fiverr relies on how well can you promote yourself heavily; you need to offer something to make your potential clients comfortable with hiring you. Some people create personal websites to display their past work. There are also other ways to make money online: they basically boil down to selling other people's stuff (products/services) or selling your own stuff. I think that yes, you can probably go live in a some sort of a monastery and then spend a sizable amount of time studying. It may require that you become an actual priest, and it's likely to include physical work from what I know. Men have been doing that for hundreds of years: leaving the society to live in (relative) solitude and contemplation. I'm wondering how good of an option is it for anyone though. Just today, I've heard a remark about how The Catholic Church's made a grave mistake by taking its most intelligent men and locking them away, prohibiting them from procreating ... while in the Jewish community marrying a rabbi is still considered a jackpot. Fast forward multiple generations and bang, enjoy your IQ differences (Ashkenazi Jews > Asians > Whites), goyim.

Aaaa, whyy are you counting the days since last VN? Nekopara vol. 2 is about to release! :3 (Had to select a picture carefully not to make your journal NSFW as well.)

Regarding hearing loss. The way it was explained to me is that your ears can handle certain periods of high volume just fine. What matters is that you give them enough rest afterwards, so you should be fine as long as you don't expose them every day. Going to a concert shouldn't be a big deal, but I can definitely relate to being anxious about things most people don't even think about. There are a couple of different kinds of ear plugs in case you're interested. (BTW, are you experiencing any tinnitus -- ringing in ears?)

Day 15: It Follows Fucking Americans bury my topic to the bottom of the page overnight. I've always been slightly psychotic. Not enough to affect my life in any way, just various weird thoughts that tend to persist a little too long. I also had trouble sleeping in the dark when I was younger, but that hasn't been a problem for years now. I'd imagine a tall, dark figure standing next to my bed and would constantly turn around to make sure it wasn't there. As I was washing my once glorious hair this morning, I got a distinct idea that a creature from a movie It Follows is behind the bathroom door. Why and how did it get there? I don't know; it finds a way. It always finds a way eventually. Thinking about how I obviously need to socialize with IRL people more, I opened the door to check on the said monster, but there wasn't anything. I'm on day 15 and I've been making plans about relapsing when I get to 90 last night. I can't shake the idea that it's just a question of time. Also boobs.

Day 14: Goth Girls Are Easy There's a girl on FB -- I should say "a woman". She's probably 30 or very late 20s and has that distinct look that's been described as "a thousand cocks stare". Her pictures show: her being all goth, her baby daughter, 2 different men, no wedding pictures. How promising is that, but she's politically compatible with me, which is relatively rare considering that women tend to follow the mainstream. Maybe the tides are turning. But not really. Also, she's not intelligent enough, she's not pretty enough, she's a whore, she's insane. There's a certain attractiveness to the darkness that envelopes such girls. They like to be abused in every way and there's a deranged part of me that loves that. I'm a terrible person, but it's so hot. But who cares. I'd probably look better in drag than her. I will never approach a girl that isn't at least a 7 again. Terrible.

It sounds like formal education may not work for you. Perhaps you could consider working online and acquiring the needed skills on your own. It's what Cam does. After reading your last post, I think you should also consider giving theater another shot. Your family seems to tolerate your inactivity, so I guess time is not a huge issue here; however, you need to keep moving. You owe it to yourself, to your future self. Making money online is a huge topic; you can have a look at the categories on Fiverr for some ideas. The main takeaway for me, after reading your story, is that you do strive for something more. You do take action. Yes, there were massive time spans of inactivity, indulging in games and other negative habits, but consider how many people do that and just remain in that state. You could have started bashing people over the internet for hours, you could have turned to drinking, or you could have joined pages like Wizardchan to complain how women and entire society are unfair and deranged. And perhaps you have at some point, but still, here you are. Flawed, yet striving towards something better.

Why do americans always make things go over the top? That fight to the death between spiteful female supremacists and not-so-closeted fascists, each one holding the rest of society as hostages. This is why we can't have nice things, people! At least here in glorious Spain know better: Bad guys won the war (better not talk about that...), government is evil, Spain can't into space, all those commies with dreadlocks are dread-ful (hah) and Everything is Germany's Fault. And no we're not giving back any gold. Ah, life is good in a third-rate country...! Don't talk to people if you don't really feel like it, but don't give in to isolation either. Introversion in practice is simply a higher need of personal space, any other definition or implication was probably given by an extrovert. Middle grounds work usually fine. Except in medicine, bungee jumping or coitus. Taking walks even if alone (or specially alone) work wonders for me, if I stay inside for too long my mood begins to drop exponentially. Maybe you should try it too? I think my former therapist (guess the age and gender) officially proclaimed me to be schizoid or at least leaning towards it. Refer to the second point of my recent birthday post. >2016. >Still socializing with neurotypicals. >NOPE.bmp Is there a back story to "Spain can't into space"? Was there a space program that somehow failed? I'm not trying to be one of those determined "moderates" whose political opinions shift depending on what the current extremes are. Some of my views, which I consider to be in fact moderate, are still considered as hateful by the majority.

You're running the only web community that deals with a form of addiction comparable to alcoholism and drug dependance. Trying to somehow integrate your political leanings into it would serve no purpose. But oh, I know who you follow on Twitter :P. Everything that concerns life is inherently political. Focusing on yourself and killing off most (or even all) of the news is political as well: it goes heavily against a mainstream narrative of how a man should live. Once you do that, and after you succeed, then you can decide if you want to expand and to what degree/direction. In other words, spamming politically incorrect memes while your own life is shit means nothing. I'm actually considering creating a Livejournal account again after all those years. I've been told that LJ doesn't bully its own users, unlike FB and Twitter, so perhaps it's time for (at least some of us) to migrate back where it all began. Just like back in 2003.

Day 13: Not Sure If Having to Make up 90 Titles Was the Best Idea Ketosis has most definitely kicked in. I've had another night of fantastic sleep, I feel full of energy, and just generally more relaxed. For the past few weeks, the standard was to wake up at least somewhat tired and anxious about how the day will proceed. That's no longer the case. That said, I had to quit: alcohol, World of Warcraft, high carb food. There's also smoking, but I just lost any interest to indulge in that the first time I relapsed after rehab. Perhaps something to do with the body biochemistry; I don't know. But I feel no urges to smoke and all, and frankly I never was such a determined smoker even though I smoked for 10 years. That's not the case with everything else. Nothing, nothing, nothing would make me happier but to reinstall WoW, pick up two 6-packs, and order a pizza. Fuck, make it two pizzas -- nothing beats gorging to a point at which you can barely sit. I am moderately satisfied with how keto is affecting me; I appreciate the relaxed and focused state of mind being games-free, but fuck. I will forever remember the rush and the danger will always be present. It's a lot to deal with. But what's the alternative? I've gotten way, way to close to it. As much as my current state is a relief in a way, my main motivator remains fear. And that's not a very good motivator. Ultimately, the drive needs to be internal, not external. But I'm not at that stage yet. I will not share my most immediate goal again since I'm paranoid about telling others about your plans and then failing. Maybe next week, after I manage to complete some of the work.

Gawd. You're rite. Fucking selenium. It's a good think you've pointed that out because I intended to eat them semi-regularly (they're great for a low carb diet). I suppose they'll end up as a rare snack thingy now. Rest in rip x(. Being thankful for broccoli may sound off, but it's a glorious vegetable indeed. Especially bought fresh and then baked in coconut oil with some spices and onion.

Day 12: The New Normal It's likely that I'll forever prefer being introverted. I can understand how becoming more extroverted may prove beneficial for people; I just doubt it's gonna happen for me. I honestly have zero (0) problems with staying inside the entire week, not really communicating with everyone, and just pursuing my projects (such as they are). But then, yeah, it's great to go out and talk to actual humans for a night or two. And if I decide to make it 3 or 4 nights instead of two at some point, fine. I just don't feel any pressure to do so. There is so much to do anyway. I have to make more money on my content mill of choice. I'm still too slow for my taste when it comes to researching the subject, and I know this improves with practice. And then there are two other slightly more complex projects ... I just need to get going since everything else depends and is based on it. I'm getting terribly bored as it is: even politics don't interest me that much any more. I think my passion has taken a great hit when I've realized that the vast majority of people, including myself, only belong to political movements for emotional reasons -- not so much because they/we want to improve ourselves and our societies. It becomes so obvious when you see how tribal and unable to agree to disagree most people are. It's likely that I'll probably start a new blog: the current domain, nohappysong, just doesn't seem to work that well anymore. I need something more meaningful, something more meta. A blog that people of all political inclinations will love to hate, or just a loosely defined attempt to write somewhat interesting posts. The current social networks are increasingly rotting away as it is: there are people who're doing their best to turn them into cyber versions of 1984. I mean, fuck, Twitter has just appointed Anita Sarkeesian to lead some sort of a committee that'll decide what kind of tweets should be policed. PS: Mood is massively better. Keto FTW.

Oh yeah, congratz. It's possible that staying off games will get somewhat tougher down the line. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, but it's what people have been reporting (and what I've experienced countless times & where I'm now with my glorious day 11).

How about university then? It seems the only choice you're presenting is between trades and drama. I also think you should give yourself full credit for the amount of time you haven't been playing, but it's your call of course.

Noooooooo girls have the coootieees! extroverts are peasants ok introvert noblemen ftw

Day 11: ? Just a fucking terrible day. I woke up after 6 hours of sleep, completely fucking drained and tired and just wanting to go back to bad. So I did. After about three hours, I achieved a few glorious victories: brushed my teeth, took a shower, and even made lunch. Amazing stuff indeed. I honestly don't believe it can get any worse than this, so if I can manage to get through it without going insane and perhaps even be somewhat productive, things are bound to get better. At least that's the theory. CHIPTUNE BEST MUSIC OK

I almost read that "FOTM" and immediately thought about popular/overpowered WoW 3v3 arena comps. Heh. I see how calling yourself pansexual has merit in such cases. But would you agree that sexual minorities have a distinct PR problem? In my late teens and every 20s, I did spend some time on the local LGBT scene. It was interesting, yet it never felt right. I distinctly remember the feeling of relief when I stopped hanging out with those people. It was basically full of angry lesbians who seemed to hate half the humanity for being born male, and half of them were what I named "panzer lesbian" -- I'll leave you to imagine what that means. I was also uncomfortable with how gays seemed to constantly hook up with each other. And the music was crap, complete crap. If I had any interest in men, I'd stay as far as possible from the gay scene. Ironically, I was often called a fag and sometimes bullied (I never let it become a thing) for having some traits that plebeians associate with gayness. How is it my fault that male long coats look boring.

Yeah, we can't escape our biology. Keto is the worst short term diet you can imagine. Expect to feel like crap for the first week. Considering your age, you should be fine after that, and you're likely to start feeling the benefits around that time. What those benefits will be I can't say -- everyone experiences sudden weight loss (which is just your body getting rid of excess water) followed by an actual weight loss. Various existing medical condition often lessen or even go away completely. Many report massive cognitive benefits too: I can attest to that for sure. Almost everyone feels more energetic and focused. Then again, some people don't do well on keto at all. Like any other diet, it's not for everyone, but the potential benefits are so great I think everyone should at least give it a go for a month or so. The vastvastvast majority of negative reports are made by people who don't stick to it long enough (the worst short term diet). The best place to start it /r/keto's FAQ. Out of all the YouTube channels, I'd recommend Tristan's channel. Mood swings sux. They always were a notable drawback in all of my relationships, and looking back, the most successful ones were those when the girl simply accepted the fact that I'll suddenly stop talking and/or become irritable sometimes. But that's not something I want to put anyone through again. There are several ways to consume enough fat. The most straightforward way is to throw some coconut butter into the soup/stew. The way I've been doing it most of the time is to throw the vegetables and meat in a pan, add a few bricks of coconut butter, then apply heat 'till it smells done. My approach to cooking is rather punk, but there are tons of recipes that allow you to craft magnificent meals. It's possible to even make keto pizza and pastry if you love coconut powder with eggs and flax enough.