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Everything posted by Schwing

  1. Day 168 - Purpose Today something hit me. I have been evaluating myself for a bit and this is what I have concluded: I've always been darting from hobby to hobby. Never being committed. Naturally videogames were a fit. All you need is a PC and internet connection and you're set for 4 years. But now I've left that behind nothing's changed. I'm still darting from hobby to hobby; fantasising over images of my future self (future character builds) in my hobbies (games). I'm a slave to passion. Slave to my soul leading me in all sorts of directions. I can't knuckle down and say: "This is it and I am doing it and this is my art". Everybody else seems so sorted out. Like they've got something- an art. Or is this just the image I have of them? What do you guys think about me? Do you see me as some 'jack of all trades master of none' or someone who does something well specifically? I'm just curious. Images in other people's heads don't do enough to define me. In my heart I still feel empty. If I were to seek truth in any form it would not be an external conception of the mind; it would be an intrinsic heartfelt resolve. But, wait. What I just said there. Shouldn't I place equal value over the heart and the mind? Perhaps my weakness is not in my lack of commitment. Slave to passion. Slave to discipline. What's the difference? Perhaps everything I do is something which defines me. See the whole. See everything in it's entirety. Look with the body, mind and soul and you will see one thing - the universe. Frustrating myself over my image and what warm feelings it brings. Petty desire. The surface of the soul. Perhaps I should learn to sit back and let the universe flow through the core of my soul. I am whatever I am. I may not read every book. I may not create the best comic ever. I may not become the best martial artist. I may not be super strong or super fast. I may not be the best climber. I may not be the best singer. I may not be the most hardcore metalhead. I may not have the most successful career in engineering. I may not be the most well traveled person. I may not speak german or tibetan. But at least I am me. Everything in this life I take on. It is a medium. A medium for my soul's energy to flow into the universe. That is purpose. "Preoccupied with a single leaf; you shall miss the entire tree. Preoccupied with a single tree; you shall miss the entire forest." - Takuan
  2. Day 168 - DrainThe coffee machine ran out of chocolate! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooOOoOooooo!!!Today I decided to give the school gym a try. Went in just after school. Totally empty! So I blasted some testament in the speaker in there and it was GLORIOUS! For about 20 minutes that is...A horde of 7 or 8 fuckbois from the year below me came in and started playing trap mixes. Tiny room. The place was so fucking full! People were stepping over my legs and shit while I was doing crunchies. My sets kept getting cut up- it sucked. For some reason the weights there feel lighter than the ones i have at home. So, I stepped up squats and rows to 10kg each hand but couldn't make it past 20 reps. Must be the shape.Fucked off home halfway through! Not my workout environment. Crappy music, too hot, crammed full of people I hate. I find situations like this just drain my psychological energy. Like dinner parties. I hate those too. Everyone is a little autistic and I am totally fucking autistic when it comes to this shit! Time to save up for a squat rack and a bar!Earlier today I just got hit by feelings of loneliness. An intense lusting for a woman. Just wanting someone to hold in my arms. Hah! My confidence goes out of the window when it comes to girls though. But, I don't know how long I can keep this shit up! Girls are all I have on my fucking mind my right now! OtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsu Don't worry takezo! I feel exactly the fucking same! But I'm not a cartoon character so I have to actually work for it if I want the poon!
  3. Day 167 - Fuck Fuck Fuck Damn! All day yesterday. All I could think about was fucking sex! Been one horny motherfucker lately. This morning I dreamed about watching porn and I had the first wet dream ever! Woke up to myself spaffing my pants. Fucking weird feeling. That's all I have to say really!
  4. Let's talk about it later! I messaged you! Skype me.
  5. Ok man, I'm 17 here's what I think: Forget the shrinks. I felt depressed too from time to time. Nothing major really. Came and went. I was just at the whim of my emotions like a sycamore seed in the wind. So you have to plant yourself somewhere my man. And that why you're here. To plant yourself and grow am I correct? Don't let some dumbfuck who's paid to assess your psychology assess you. Don't intertwine the societal system with your internal emotional struggles. Assess yourself. I understand you've done a fair bit of assessing already. You're here. You know you want to quit videogames and such and such. But it's time to do a bit more! I know it's a drag but it's necessary. I can help you. But you have to do it yourself. A psychiatrist hasn't fucked himself up and been through this kind of shit. He just read about it in a fucking book when he was a student. Find a root cause for your gaming addiction. Psychological trauma from a bad childhood? That was mine. Questions. What ails you? What do you want? Like really really want. I saw you wanted these things: Get a girlfriendImprove my social skillsGo out moreI would like to be perceived as a good guy, a friend you can rely on. Someone who's outgoing.Hah! My goals were like this too when I first started out. It's a good start! A great start! But they need to be flobbled around a bit (is that a word?) to set you straight: A goal is something you need to be able to fulfill on a regular basis. Work towards. You've got the outline! Now it's time to make them into actual tangible tasks to be done! Approaching women might be hard for you at this stage. Still hard for me! I'm a single loner too! Confidence is key in socialising. And what is the definition of confidence? The absence of giving a fuck my friend! I could tell you to stop caring but that would be hard. To have change you must embody change. The mind, body and soul are all linked in unison as separate modules of one unit. Physical exercise is great. When you break yourself down and throw your mind out the window. All that exists is the pain and the euphoria! 'tis gloooorious! Here's a small workout I was recommended. I never really used it but it's a good start: Stretch (just do something. make sure it feels GooOOOooooOd!) 20 pushups 20 situps 20 crunchies 20 squats Go for a 1.5 mile run Stretch and take a shower You will feel so much better just doing it. With the running outside. People will be looking at you. So you can gain confidence in exercising in public. Know this: people don't care. They probably just see you as another person. Everything we perceive exists in the mind but we feel it with the soul. So let your emotions rule your social life and tell the mind to go suck a bag of fat hairy dick! Blegh! Therefore if people are mean to you- know this: "what the fuck are they gonna do about it? burn my house down? rape my dog? ok that one was weird but they wouldn't even go as far as to touch me in any way at all. I don't give a fuck!". If someone tries to humiliate you; be humble! Smile and laugh! For then no one laughs at you but with you. Next. Develop your character. Do something. You say you want to study? Fuck studying! Studying is not art. Studying is work for the machine man! You've gotta do it for sure but it can't be the only thing you have in life. What did you like about video games? Making characters? Making stuff? Fighting? Making builds? Video games always appealed to us because we were making art in them. But in life we sucked! We were pouring our artistic vigour into a leaky bucket! Think about it. Google it. Plan it. I never used this but try this: http://gamequitters.com/hobby-ideas/ Women love character and confidence! Strength, character, self discipline, self reliance. All masculine virtues! Don't focus on wanting to be perceived a certain way by others. Learn to just love life and what it has to offer. It take time but it's fucking worth it! Good luck.
  6. Love. Hate. Pleasure. Pain. Powerful emotions that make up our whole. To embody all is to find true strength. For when you know the darkness you may know light. Day 165 - The Whole Ah shit. Another stressful school day. Bashed out all my coursework! DONE. Printed that shit off. Today I mastered the decaff express-choc coffee. We have a coffee machine at school I usually get coffee from for my ritual (which was disrupted yesterday by a fire alarm- GAH!!!) that entails reading comic books, listening to metal, eating biscuits and drinking chocolate infused coffee! To keep what few shreds of sanity I have in check you see! Stick the cup in the machinePress chocolate and take it out before the machine pours water inTake the cup to the kitchen and throw a sachet of decaff in there then top up to nearly full with hot waterStir then add milk.Enjoy your pitiful weeb nerd metalhead life!Note: Take jacket off, roll sleeves up and sit like a buddhist monk on the chair for added effect So I managed to get myself back to fucktard land today. The school system had been getting to me all week. No exercise. No books. No art. Just the ritual. So I slayed my workout and went full retard! Shaking myself and grunting to some converge, testament and slayer (for added slaying effect you see- FUCKIN' SLAYER!!!). Stepped up the bench press to 10kg each dumbbell. Toned down the overhead press to 20 reps each set. I also got inducted at my school gym yesterday. So I'll go down and see if I like it. Probably wont. Probably full of dumbfuck popular kids that don't actually do anything! Shit! Then I went for the usual run to fucktard city (aka. a forest that I think somebody owns and I shouldn't be dicking about in but who cares!). This time in the field I went apeshit! I threw my maiden shirt out in front of me and screamed, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAHAhaGhAGHGaooHGbBRgrhrgrhrgrhgrhrgrbGHRhRbRHg........WOOT", and bolted it to the edge of the field. Walked down to the very end of the stream. Not too interesting though. There is a big rock that looks like good shelter down there. There's a lot you can learn just pissing about in the forest. Adults think it's just for kids and retards like me but it's actually very interesting. I saw my tracks from a week ago. Now I know what human tracks look like after a week. Dope! As I was meditating on fucktard rock I began to muse and pensively think about my life as per usual. I was thinking about the future. My purpose. In life we have the system and we have our passion. Suffering and pleasure. But from both comes good and bad. Jesus said: "Give Caesar what is his and give me what is mine". That middle eastern desert magician knew his shit! Give the system what it requires of you. Good will come of it and bad with come of it. Give your passion what it requires. Same thing. Both need equal attention. The whole must be respected. Use what is laid before you and use it wisely. Do not shy away from things based off preconceived images. Your anathema can be your salvation. "Fuck the system"? Sure. But the system is just the system. Pleasure mixed with pain. Both the same. Just energy. Saw a twig hanging from a spiders web and fluttering about in the wind over the undergrowth. Thought: "hey man you should totally think of some dope as fuck buddhist zen monk old wise man shit that'd be fucking gnarly duuuude! totally rad!". So I sat there and after a good 30 seconds of intense drooling I came up with this. The twig hangs in the web. It traps it. It causes pain to separate it from the beautiful undergrowth where it belongs. The winds move it. It lets it dance gracefully over it's home. It could knock it off anytime and let it drop. But if it dropped it would merely rot away and be lost in the multitude of vegetation. At least hanging there it can have pride to be above the other twigs. To have security in the web. But the twig remains still. It flutters but never falls. However, one day it will fall. So it flutters while it can and fears not it's demise. Life is life. You're not superman. Your not a machine. You are you and as long as you are you you embody all that is what you feel truth in. Be not led astray by the mind or the soul. The two work in unison. As the whole. Be ambitious in your exploits! But, always remember why you are alive. For the detours on your grand journey. Be grateful. To just live and experience. That is the purest form of living. Oh and yea new berserk chapter! Dope as fuck! Coffee + skeletonwitch + new berserk chapter = orgasm
  7. A post I made on nofap in response to a friend! I thought it might be of value to people here. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! An argument! It's been too long! I am not laughing at you! Nor your argument! Just this tingly feeling I get inside me when someone challenges my views. I apologise in advance if I argue over some trivial thing that your didn't intend as argument. I'm in the zone now! Hardboiled24 said: ↑ Friends. Friend is a label! The definition of friend is subjective to the individual. People go throughout their life with all sorts of different levels of friend. Say, I consider you my friend. Perhaps you feel the same since I speculate I am at least a small amount of use to you. But, friend, when you go to school how do you behave? When someone says- "hey man can I see your history coursework?"; "hi. how was your holiday?" ; "hey! you're that kid that screamed his balls of in the school corridor! that was fucking mental! what was the crack with that?". Do you say: "judging by my current perception of you; you are of no use to me. you are dismissed". When I said "hey nice muscles mate!" a few days ago how did you feel? These people. These actions of connection. They all do something for us. They quell the fundamental social emotion that lurks in the depths of our souls: loneliness. Friendship entails this. You see the world through your soul no matter how hard you try. You feel your experiences. You feel your drive to live and breath and laugh and cry. You do not think. The mind is a tool. You are not a robot. Friend is a label! A label for the source of positive emotional strength that we all strive for in this world! I have many friends. I do favours for people if I feel like it. That is the only way to be content with others.I feel lonely because I don't have what I lust for most: a woman. A companion. Or just a living breathing human being to relate to. Emotions take value first for me. Not objects. Hardboiled24 said: ↑ Hahahaha! This is what hit me the most. I am sure there is something I can take away from this. Thank you. Forgive me if what I say comes across as esoteric bullshit. I speak in abstractions.I believe the soul is a template to be built upon. And that it has a set essence (genetics)- a core. A core that is enriched in every outcome of circumstance you enter guided by it; trusting it. A core with other aspects of your soul encircling it in orbit. They may be displaced and give way to other aspects. They may stay true. They are subject to the throes of chaos in circumstance. I believe every single circumstances' being takes root in the outcome of previous circumstances; the fate of every object is interwoven to form the system of chaos.Free will. Yes. You have free will most certainly. I could decide I wanted to be an investment banker right now! Right here! That would be an action of my mind. But do I want that. Does my soul want that? No. Do I know exactly what I want? Can my mind fathom the depths of my soul? No. Listen to what energies transpire from your gut (core) and you will embrace destiny.I take full responsibility for my actions because my soul's core is a fundamental part of me. I enrich my soul's core by listening to my soul's whispers and therefore aligning the temporary orbital aspects with it's essence. This is done by engaging in relevant circumstance through trusting your gut.Fate is an idea. Fate is my idea; and also yours. Be attached to no definition. Hardboiled24 said: ↑ Truth! It is good you are wary of such things. Stay true to yourself and (it may be hard- i understand) but feel free to delve into what christianity has to offer. Don't be attached- that is what your parents do wrong.Religion is not synonymous with spirituality. Religion is the packaging, labeling and centralising of spirituality. I see god as a concept. The unfathomable. The essence of our human limitation; the stability of immortality; the constant.Do not feel I aim to belittle you in any way. I have immense respect for you.
  8. I wondered if you had noticed! I thought I might as well be open about it. Truth! I draw inspiration from everything. Comics, books, articles and most of all people. To build something I hope for deep down inside. Something deep within me yet to be unearthed which resonates with the image that is destoroyah. Thank you for sticking around. I believe what image you project is essential to my development.
  9. Something's got to give Day 163 - Solitude I have decided to take a new approach to journaling. Each post is here because I feel like it. Not because I am about to go to bed five minutes later. I will try and vent more into my posts. Through my experience I hope others can find value; I want to bare my soul so that the emotion and thoughts intertwined with each other can reach others! Energy this morning was drained. Found solace in my manga, metal, coffee and biscuits! Cheers to the black dahlia murder for their heartfelt melody! I drained all my psychological energy I had accumulated over the holidays yesterday. Almost bunked off cold shower this morning. I have to keep going. I find talking to people helps. I'm good at talking to people I know. But I don't want to. I don't like to cling to others. It makes me feel weak. That's the problem with being stronger than before. It goes to your head. Your ego speaks a different tongue. Sometimes you forget not to listen to its babbling. Looks like we have a new couple at school! I'll admit she was one of these girls that I am checking out all the time. I do that a lot. I see a girl. "Oh she's cute..." Then I fantasise about being with them. It's my way of coping with the loneliness. No one to hug, kiss cuddle. I lust intensely for this intimacy. The thing is I don't care- I'm not jealous. Not them. Only other couples at school. The guy she's with- total fucktard! None of the guys like him. I personally have nothing against him- not my type of person is all. It made me think: I could do it. I could find someone. It made me happy. Seeing that they were happy. But then I thought this: everyone has different dimensions to themselves. He was weak that he could not earn the approval of his male peers. But he was strong that he was able to approach girls and satisfy them. Perhaps for me it's sort of the other way round. Perhaps my dimensions dictate that women will not cross my path often as of now at least. These dimensions; this form; this soul; this destiny. It is our definition. Judge no one by their image. For you only need to turn them on their side and you are able to see another plane. A jagged stone without beauty nor hideousness. Constantly whittled in the sea of time. I have noticed something about my behaviour as of late in particular. I have been mimicking @destoroyah instinctively. I believe this is because of a tribal genetic trait. I respect him immensely therefore I naturally mimic him to try and earn his approval as the gene says "he's the alpha! copy him!". I don't do it on purpose. It just happens naturally. I wonder if people do this with me? Perhaps. We discussed the philosophy of physics in class today. I had a bunch of deep shit I could have said but I held my tongue. I wonder what people think of me outside of here? Probably just some kid. Some dumb edgy kid. Or I wonder- do they see something? Do they look into my eyes and see something and wonder: "what is he thinking? what is he doing?" What do I mean to others? Fired off an email to gym guy. This should be an experience. I would be turning people's preconceived images of myself on their heads walking into that gym. It will be a lesson for me to learn. It's spring and I am still wearing a black woolly trenchcoat! Edgy as fuck! I'll leave it at home. Too hot. Adieu, mon amis!
  10. Sounds a lot like soundcloud. Think about it carefully.
  11. 162 days journalling Days porn free: 17Fucking thrash!Woah! Today was awesome! I was like a beast at school. I couldn't have given a fuck! Worked out at 6 am and took a cold shower. Ate some porridge and went to school while my stepdad blasted black sabbath in the car! Sick!At school I could talk to anyone. No social anxiety. Nothing. Just chill. Void. Seems like I have truly embodied a lot of my life principles. I'm going to a martial arts trial day on june 5th. Looks like the best gym ever! I'll ask the fitness guy at school about barbells tomorrow. Dumbfuck metalhead weeb nerd in the weights room at school. Woah that should turn some heads!Super productive too. Bashed out a maths paper in the lesson. Got a bit of computing done/ physics when I got back home.Although I feel great I am still lonely whenever I am at school. It's fine when I'm back home. I get to talk to my internet friends (hah gay!). But at school I don't fit in anywhere. Too cool to be a nerd; too nerdy to be cool. Everyone is very clingy to their own social groupings. I don't care. I want to talk to everyone. But everyone doesn't want to talk to me so it makes me feel awkward. But I must always remember: "Fuck you! I am me! I have definition and you can't change that!"I was ruminating on destiny the other day. Destiny is real. I feel it. In this world we as human beings are defined not by conceptions of our minds but in the reality of our soul. Our soul is who we are- our definition. Your soul is an aggregation of psychological traits which determine your destinations. As are your circumstances. Our soul, predefined by genetics, is also shaped by our circumstances in its never ending evolution.Compare it to stick floating down a river. If I threw one big fat stick in the river; where it ended up would be dependent on the flow of the river at that time (time and space- circumstance). However if I threw a little stick in right at the same instance it wouldn't end up in the same place because it has different form (soul). By enriching the form; by embodying the soul you become the true master of your fate. But to master your fate is to not necessarily control it with your mind. The mind can only seek to enrich the soul and allow it to lead the way. That is destiny.Teenage girly journal entry over! You are dismissed! 'til next time!The demon within. It lies at the roots of the tree that sprouts the fruits of takezo's destiny!
  12. Yup! that's what I mean by meaningful. You didn't just sit there and drool out the window did you? Trust your gut! Don't study your dick of just because they told ya! You got it! Fuck the system! You're right about this body mind thing. I've been having serious problems with daydreaming lately. I haven't been meditating properly lately either. Been too much on the yang side of things lately. Gotta get me some of that sweet sweet yin!
  13. 161 days journalling Days porn free: 16 Drop! Ouuuut of life! With booooooonng iiiiiinnnn haaaaaand!Tomorrow I have to go to school. Fuck. Holidays are OVER! But these three weeks were eventful to me on a personal level. I can't boast any standardised achievements. I don't agree with that shit. Achievement is subjective to the achiever. Who gives a shit about grade 6 piano? Who cares about black belt karate? Fuck the system!Realised I had to do 2 maths papers for tomorrow! SHIT! Got them done but I have no time to work out tonight...that means...WORKOUT AT 6am SHARP! Gnaaarly duude!I'll have to ask the school gym teacher guy to sort me out with some barbells.Gonna keep my hair short! My hair is so thick it looks like shit at anything in between super short and full on flowing luscious metalhead locks of death! As I do not want to look like a jew at Auschwitz I am going to stay away from the buzzcuts.Anyways, I'm going to take a cold shower and read a bit. See you on the other side!
  14. You don't have to work every day for sure! Just do something meaningful every day. I find every action snowballs: good or bad.
  15. 160 days journalling Days porn free: 15Dope shit!Today I woke up and felt like SHIT! Last night i didn't sleep well at all. Cooked some fancy pasta stuff for lunch and read some vagabond! very nice. I hope takezo gets with otsu. I'm rooting for you my boi!Damn another day dreamy day. Tried studying. Failed. I tried pretty damn hard though! I held my shit together well today. I have made a principle: every day has karma. One tiny action or inaction will snowball and have consequences. So I took my cold shower and did my rowing even though I didn't feel like it. Feel better now.Been thinking of doing a gap year before uni and going to volunteer for the american himalayan foundation. Would be a great experience for me. To be with my own people (half that is hehe. the joys of being mixed race...) and to learn of my lost heritage. And make a difference too. Grow and become strong. Strength! That is the prime virtue of a man.Also been thinking some more (suprise suprise...) about my destiny. Ever since I was a kid I've had this intrinsic trait that I can't attribute to anything with assurance. I have always wanted more. Always sought for something away from the rest of the flock. I've always done retarded shit and not cared. Like I didn't feel a sense of belonging in going through the motions. It's hard to describe. Just this energy. Who knows. Perhaps just my ego making shit up. But it's there for sure. Like I have been wired to do something in this world that others can't. A key to a gateway.I can say that I believe in god now. God is the essence of the universe. The inexplicable nature of existence. The fundamental law of chaos intertwining every individual atom with one another to create the ebb and flow of time. The one truth that lies beyond our human perception of truth; beyond abstractions of science; beyond workings of philosophy; beyond the mythos of religion. It does not exist but it is still something. Like how the number 1 has quantity. And the number 0 has no quantity. Zero has nothing but would you say zero does not exist? Being could be the absence of nothingness.Anyway. Now all that shit's out of the way. I'd like to wish you all a happy monday! Good night!Don't worry takezo! You will find your purpose eventually! The universe shall unfold!
  16. Calling? Calling is for sissies! Throw a brick through his window with a note tied to it!
  17. Damn I couldn't sleep for shit last night! Sucked. I was lying there daydreaming for 6 hours! Crazy! At about 4 am I said "Fuck this!" and looked at archived suicide notes on my phone. No idea why. Very touching. So I eventually hit the bunk a short time after 5 am. And now I'm awake and it's 12:14 pm and I feel like I haven't slept at all! FUCK! I wasn't even wearing the underwear that was tight on my bollocks!
  18. 159 days journallingDays porn free: 14You try get over you gonna go under!Woah! 2 weeks nofap- no wanking no porn. Easy! Looked at some boobs today! Felt different. "Yea that's a pair of tits. Nice pair; don't care." Happy that my view of women has shifted. I wasn't happy being a degenerate bitch. Getting closer to what I really want: an actual relationship! No 2D slags! I was at the forest stream today. Sat on a rock in the sun. Thought about sharing this place with future girlfriends. That would be nice. Thought about carrying them over the stream. Lying on the verge with them. Haha! Looks like I'm the helpless romantic type after all. I'm glad of it though. Better than fucking porn. Better than that disgusting shit I gave myself to. I just want to cuddle man! I just want to have a good fuck! I just want to talk!Went for another barefoot run! Nice!Was in a day dreamy mood today didn't get much studying done. When I'm in this mood I just say "fuck studying" because I know I won't get anywhere. Thought about some kid at school. He's one of these friends I have. Relics from my gaming days. They don't have much personality- they just meme away and try to mask their void. To find security in memes. They don't need a sense of humour. They just need to spew memes- everyone loves memes! I think he is suicidal and depressed. I will say something to him one day in person. I'll try and corner him so he doesn't fall back on his memes. Then i'll let him do his thing. Whatever he does is whatever he does. I think he needs something in his life. A nudge. Something to reach into his shell and prod him.Drew some shit today. Just pencils now but I'm practising my settings. An assassin in wait for his quarry- gamma sector 2b has a deadly criminal underground!
  19. You're going strong! Never stray from the path! Workout 6 days a week? That's pretty hardcore! Make sure you don't work the same muscle groups on consecutive days though. That is counter-productive. This walk- you will learn something that day. It will hold value for sure. With men and women there isn't such a thing as the friendzone. Once you connect- you connect alright! Chemistry knows no boundaries. You can look at attractive women on the street, next door, on a computer screen whatever- even if you're a married man. You can resist your urges to connect for sure though. Nothing wrong with that. The thing is she probably feels this chemistry too! Or she doesn't feel shit and she just wants to parade you around like a little poodle. I don't think it's the latter. If she asked you to go on a walk with her that sounds nice. Like a genuine thing- not like shopping for useless crap for the sake of her own vanity. Otherwise, I'm not going to give you any advice. It's up to you to learn from your experiences! All I ask is that you do it and think about it and let me know here! Good luck. And happy birthday because I will probably forget to tell you next week!
  20. So far I have seen @Cam Adair and @Matthias do it. Save us! Deliver us our salvation from our plebian embeddingless states!
  21. No post last night. Late work night. Awesome day though.
  22. You can't like everyone. That's for sure. I think you already know that. But that doesn't mean you have to hate everyone. My school is ripe with douchebags. My father was a bit of a douchebag. But I can't live my life wallowing in hate- it just eats away at you. I've found it's enough to get me through the pain just understanding people. You don't have to like them; you don't have to be nice to them; just know that they've probably been fucked in some way just like you have. You don't even have to talk to them about it. Just watch and listen. Soon it all just goes away and all you see is the person. Sure they might piss you off again in future- they probably will. But, this is just a little method of dealing with dumb cunts without getting your knickers in a twist. Try it! You won't be in this position all your life. Soon the universe will unfold and you will find what you've been looking for. I believe that will happen. I believe in fate. I believe that our individuality moulds the world around us; as a factor in our destinations. Soon your form will pierce through the veil of chaos and you'll find what you have been seeking. The moudling of your form precipitates change. Like you said I will find friends if I expand my repetoire; you can find someone by opening your heart perhaps? Yea, I know that sounds pretty gay! But it might be what you're lacking. All those years being alone and fucked up- you learnt to form a carapace around your soul. I don't know how you can break it. I don't know if you can. But if this is your issue: try. Mould your form. If it end up shitty who cares. Keep doing it and something will happen. Don't bother with your flatmates- well you could- but I don't think they would understand. With someone you trust- try and speak softly about something personal to you (in person). Just for a little bit. Be sincere and watch them. If you don't have anyone you can trust then that's the first hurdle!
  23. Right now I'm copying the embed code from the youtube video and pasting it into the "add code" function as html
  24. 157 days journalling Days porn free: 12 Been digging potato trenches today! Good workout. My mum is mad on gardening and she had a foot operation so she can't do much physical stuff. So she had me digging. Today I didn't eat so healthy. But I don't really care. We all have those days. I was walking around in town a bit today. Deposited some money in the bank, bought some cheap sketch pads, got a haircut. Noticed the way I spoke and felt was different. I had a deeper voice, I was super relaxed, super confident. I spoke with few words, and I felt a strange clarity in the tone of my voice. Super grounded. Super chill. When I look in the mirror now I also see something different. Stronger facial features. Penetrating gaze. The whole aura is different. Like a well of strength. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe it's just my ego. But I feel different. I see difference. I'm back at school next week. Let's see how I fare. Gonna read the necronomicon now and then go to bed! Hail Cthulhu!
  25. Been faffing with this for a while. How do you do it exactly? I've seen people do it before.