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About NikolajS97

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  1. Day 10: Cleaned my room from top to bottom today. Stayed at home all day and relapsed into watching a lot of YouTube videos, primarily about the French election and general foregin politics - so all is not bad. I actually felt like I learned a lot today on that subject. I didn't sing nor worked out. I'm trying to work out 6 days a week, but my legs were still sore so I skipped today. I wanted to sing, but kept postponing it until it was too late - my father is very ill and went to bed early. My 20th birthday is next Sunday, and I'm a bit anxious since I have nothing planned and will probably end up staying at home by myself - my parents are out of town during the entire weekend. Tomorrow I have work, which will be nice, but not much going on other than that. Ok, I'm going to bed guys, take care. - Niko
  2. Day 9: Hey guys, Had a nice day today. I slept in for a bit longer again on accident, but I'll fix that tomorrow morning. Had a decent workout, hung out with my mother and I'm about to go to bed and read a bit. Didn't do a whole lot today apart from hanging out with my family, but I enjoyed it and I only relapsed watching YouTube videos for around 20-30 minutes total. So that's okay. That girl I told you about messaged me yesterday asking if I wanted to go for a walk next week and I said yes. I have very conflicting emotions about that, because I don't think we are a 'match', and it hurt so bad breaking up with her that I feel like part of me is better off not seeing her at all. I hope we end up at her apartment, and I keep thinking about all the things we're gonna do together if that ends up happening, but I know that truthfully it probably won't happen. I haven't completely moved on from her after a month, but I just know deep down that if I found someone else, and more hobbies, that I could sort of 'forget her' and we could potentially be friends at some point. But I don't think now is the time. Still gonna go see her, though. Tomorrow I'm gonna finally clean my fucking room once and for all, if tomorrow night comes and I haven't done it I want you guys to give me a fucking wake-up call of some sort. Holy shit I've been postponing that many days now. I'm having trouble getting into the hobbies that I wrote down earlier on. Many of them are very expensive and have long waiting lists for club memberships. Once again, thanks for all the support you guys are giving me. Haven't relapsed once into video gaming, and I don't intend to. - Niko
  3. Day 8: Haven't followed up on any of the goals as of right now at 2:13 pm. I'm bored, and I slept in on accident today which has makes me really drowsy. I'm gonna try and get some things done today. I'm gonna make six goals I think: - Sing - Duolingo - Work out - Clean room - Eat a bunch of food so I can gain weight - Read But yea, I'm feeling a bit tired today. - Niko
  4. Still day 7, but I have to share this: *SPOILER ALERT FOR "NORWEGIAN WOOD" BY HIRAKU MURAKAMI So I have been reading since I wrote my last post until now, and I finished "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami. I want to write down a few things about it, and I have nowhere else to do that but here: Oh my god. This book is THE best book I've read so far. The way it is written, it feels to me like he is somehow at loss for words, lost, but somehow finds a way. While I finished it I started crying, and later broke down in tears completely. I relate with the narrator so incredibly much. At one point in the book, he mentions that he turns 20 years old two Sundays from now and that it is also April in the book, a very lonely April at that. Guess when my 20th birthday is. Yep, Sunday the 30th of this lonely April. In two sundays. But that's not all. I've been having a lot of feelings about the isolation of sexual desire in relation to love since I broke things off with that girl I mentioned in previous posts, and this book cleared it up for me. In the book, a character (who is a ladies man and has supposedly slept with around 80 girls) concludes, that the only thing you achieve by sleeping with countless random girls, is a deep longing to find yourself. I've been thinking to myself in recent months, that all I need is to just go find random girls and have sex, and that I will then live a good life and be done with that one girl, but I don't think that's the solution now. A character in the book who is romantically involved with the narrator reminded me SO much of that one girl I told you about. She was also very fragile, didn't just open up to anyone, but once she did, admitted to being a fragile and incomplete person. There's a specific line that made me burst with tears due to it's mournfulness, sadness, simplicity, poetic yet prosaic nature, and sheer power. It goes as follows: "She hung herself in the depths of woods dark like her own heart." Another piece of dialogue hit me really hard. It's about a mutual friend who committed suicide out of the blue. "One minute he'd be chattering away, and the next thing he'd be depressed. It happened all the time. He was like that from time he was little. He did keep trying to change himself, to improve himself, though. [...] He tried hard, but it didn't do any good, and that would make him really angry and sad. There was so much about him that was fine and beautiful, but he could never find the confidence he needed. "I've got to do that, I've got to change this," he was always thinking, right up to the end." Crying felt good. I feel like I'm not done crying though. I hope noone will think I'm crazy or anything for writing this, but I've been thinking to myself today that I could join her in the depths of woods if I really wanted to. I feel a slight bit liberated by that thought, and a bit more comfortable in my own skin knowing that I'm not the only one in this world with thoughts like these. It's not a feeling that I want to kill myself, it's more whenever something gets tough or just dull, I think to myself something along the lines of "if I killed myself, I wouldn't have to deal with the responsibility of having to force myself to go to the gym every day." Wierd thought, I know. I've been having 2 contradicting feelings today; one that I am just 19 (soon 20) years old, and that I have the best years of my life right around the corner. Another feeling that I've already wasted my youth with staying in my room and being weird, emotional and overly analytical of my own life. Introspection, especially for longer periods of time, is a dangerous thing, friends. Sorry for writing so much. - Niko
  5. Day 7: So today is has officially been one week since I quit gaming, haven't been feeling a relapse yet, and since I started I have also severely limited the amount of time I spend on YouTube, Reddit and Facebook. I don't feel 'changed' per se, but I do have a slight feeling that I have the power to change my life if I really want to. I don't think gaming was such a big issue for me as for others on this forum, though. I didn't achieve many of the goals I had set my for self yesterday. My older brothers came home to visit (I'm the only one still living at home and also the youngest at 19), so I chose to spend time with them instead. I did have a killer workout, however. Though it may be irrelevant to the gaming and internet addiction I'm battling, I'm gonna write out some stuff I'm thinking about these days. It's my journal after all. About a month ago today, a girl that I had known for 6 months and been romantically involved with for around 2 or 3 and I broke things off. She was my first everything, and very special albeit a bit odd also. When I was with her, I always had a lingering feeling that I had to prove myself to her and so I was not able to be myself at all. One night after visiting, I turned around on my way home, went back to her place, and told her how I felt. I initiated the break-up, and I felt somewhat liberated at first. The different stages of grief sort of set in, but it felt like it got gradually better as the days went by. I would have expected me to be completely done with her at this point, but I still think about her sometimes when I wake up and almost once every day at some point. We're in the same circle of friends, and I don't have that many friends and basically no other romantic interests or connections that I could pursue. I feel a bit lonely, and I don't feel like I have any self-esteem. A guy at my new workplace is a really over-the-top joking around guy, but I guess since I'm new, he sometimes jokingly calls me retarded and acts playfully confrontive, and while I think it's nice that he feels he can joke with me, I want to at a place where everyone knows that I don't tolerate being called retarded without me having to say it out verbally. I want to be so confident, and look so confident, that people automatically treat ME with respect and want to impress ME, not the other way around. I think about that a lot, but I don't know how to accomplish it. Today I am going to follow up on the goals from yesterday and hopefully stay afloat in my temporary emotional chaos. Really enjoying the book "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami also, anyone got any suggestions for my next read? Thanks for letting me share. The sun is shining here in Denmark, and I hope it shines on all of you people making a change in your life once and for all! - Niko
  6. Day 6: Okay guys, I just got home from work and am in bed currently (it's 01:05 am). Overall I feel pretty good about today. I took some inspiration from other journals and set goals for today: - Get up at 9 am. - Read in a book. - Write a short and simple song (note to self; think Steven Wilson or some Riverside songs) - Work out. - Sing for 10 minutes with the vocal course you bought. - Drink 3L of water before going to work this afternoon. - Eat 4 meals before work (trying to gain weight.) - Get 30 experience in your French course on Duolingo. I managed to complete every single task, though I didn't finish the song completely. Most importantly, I haven't gamed nor been on YouTube or Reddit except for when I needed a YouTube video for my vocal course. Not even a second wasted on any of that shit today, and I'm very proud of that. Goals for tomorrow are as follows: - Get up at 10 am (this may sound late, but I get off work at midnight, and the ride home plus bedtime reading makes me get to bed at 2 am roughly.) - 30 experience in French on Duolingo. - Finish the song that I started on today. - Drink lots of water. - Eat 6 meals during the entire day. - Read my book (will not be an issue at all, I'm reading "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Murakami recommended by my mother and I have read 111 pages since I began last night.) - Sing for 20 minutes with my vocal course. - Play for 5 minutes with my guitar course that I bought (similar to my vocal course.) - Clean my room. - Work out. - Watch a movie at night maybe? Tomorrow I have the day and night off, so hopefully I can do all of these things, and maybe also have time to research some of the other hobbies that I wrote down, nap and get on with Respawn. I actually haven't read in the Respawn document today, and I know I'm not done with the entire thing - I've just been doing so many things. Day 5 was fucking hell man, I'll admit. I was missing the girl I used to see and was just generally feeling down. Let's see how tomorrow goes. - Niko
  7. Day 5: I haven't been playing video games at all since I started this tuesday. However, I have been browsing YouTube and Reddit. The initial burst of excitement that I might actually change my life for good, is in this moment, fleeting. I want it, but I know that I always lose interest in long term goals super fast. Always. I went out last night after work with some friends, it was nice, but when I woke up today I started to reminisce of old times with a girl I used to see and whom I am still in a circle of friends with. We broke up a month ago, haven't seen her since and we don't talk anymore. It was the right thing to do to break it off; I had nothing going for me (and pretty much still don't outside of work which is only part time), and so I found myself constantly wanting to be with her while she naturally wanted a fucking life and someone who wasn't so fucking needy. I was bored in life, and I still am - an entire month later. Everyone else has these long term goals - they use their time productively while I just sit here at home and do jack shit with my fucking life. I'm 19 years old, why has this happened to me? Why has this happened to me. I still don't game; I just sit around on Facebook and try to make time go away. Although I know that it's the stupidest thing ever, I can't help but wonder how much easier everything would be if I just ended it all right here, right now. I wouldn't have to deal with all these things that I feel like I SHOULD be able to deal with, but for some fucking reason can't. There's so much to life, I know there is. However I just can't do it. Why am I such a helpless human being? - Niko By the way, you don't need to worry about the things I've written about ending it all and that. While I am extremely depressed in this moment, I know that these fluctuations in mood and life perspective occur when going through big changes, and so I might have to just wait it out or do something to actively to get out of it, like a hobby.
  8. Hi everyone, I'm feeling nervous, excited, hopeful, inferior, optimistic, afraid, determined. I'm basically feeling all kinds of things. I just hope I can do this. I know I have a hard time following through on stuff like this. This isn't the first time I bought one of these products over the internet. It's actually my 5th. And I've never 'completed' or stuck with any of the products for more than 6 months I think. I have products for playing guitar, singing, dating and love life, physical fitness and now video game addiction. I lost interest in all of the other things although I sometimes return to them briefly, and I've definitely learned a lot from all of the previous products I bought. But please let me stick with it this time, and let me rekindle the love for the other things I tried to accomplish with the other products. I just want a happy life, guys, that's all. I want to be one of those extroverted guys who has the fucking guts to do whatever the fuck they want to, and I need your help. As a first step, I told my friend last night what I am going to do - quit gaming, and that I needed his help also. I told him everything. But this thing isn't just about gaming, it's about internet addiction as a whole. Thanks. - Niko
  9. Hey everyone, My name is Niko. I'm a 19 year old guy looking to get my life in order and live the life I'm been dreaming of. I started playing Diablo II when I was a kid, and although my use of video games has diminished heavily since then, I now find myself either browsing YouTube, Reddit or playing video games instead of going out there and living my life as a real social creature. At this moment in time, I am terrified of failing, scared of being disappointed with myself and hopeful for the future. Ideally I just want to live naturally - the way I see my male friends just be out there and not worry about who they are or what they're doing. To be honest I feel weak for seeking help this way, even though I deep down know that such a feeling is unjustified and unproductive. I can't help but feel inferior to those who just have that 'flow'. I reckon my problem isn't as severe as others here - I spent 4 months away from home where I didn't play video games or browsed the internet at all and where I matured a lot, both mentally and socially. When I returned home, I found myself slowly drifting back into the old habbits that I was so afraid of. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts. - Niko