d.manuk

Like I’ve said before I would not want to be in a car with you, ever!!

Good work

My bf and I made up after a long and honest discussion. Our prospects appear good and we will see what happens.

After a hard night and a hard start to the morning, I wrote down my thoughts on a piece of paper to refer back to in tonight’s talk with my boyfriend. I am not going to call him my ex yet. I still want to fight for our relationship, but it will depend a lot on how he feels. I want to express that I want to give our relationship a good try, as I don’t know that I was fully trying recently and that is a regret that I have. I’ve read a few relationship articles and they were actually helpful in calming me down. I called my great aunt to ask her for money, and although she said she couldn’t help me with the amount I needed, she would be able to give me a smaller amount. I can survive this if it goes down that path, but one of the articles was really helpful about what to do in a situation like this. Don’t make any rash decisions, stay in the moment, see how it plays out. I will do that. I am a person that deserves to feel very special and to be someone’s number 1.

My boyfriend of 4 years told me that he wants to break up with me. We've been living together for 3.5 years. The reasons why he wants to break up with me seem small and like they could normally be worked on. I feel like he's given up on me which is a little shocking. I am shocked to be so rejected by someone I loved. At this point in our relationship, I never imagined a future without him. I thought we could solve most things and be a very strong team. Things hadn't been great over the past few months but I thought it was because of my own internal issues that were causing me to be hesitant, and I had plans to make things better. I was always thinking about how to make our lives better. But I was focusing on the wrong things, and I was also not brave enough to focus on the things that were really important to our relationship. I see that now, and I also know that my boyfriend is guilty of this as well. I've been feeling more and more that he's been getting out of my reach for quite some time. Part of this stems from our age difference, he is 7 years older than me. I always feel like I am trying to catch up to him and because of this I was also happy to know that he had picked me. For him to turn around and say I no longer want you is devastating. I'm able to tell by what his concerns were that he is ready to try something else, I have been stifling him too much with my conservative and traditional personality. Through the worse parts of tonight I've been thinking about killing myself. I won't do it, but the imagined scenarios are stronger than I've ever experienced in my life. I feel truly alone now. I no longer have my better half to rely on. I feel homeless and rejected. I feel like discarded trash. I was just told that I wasn't worthy. I just want to rest and be happy. I'm also scared to be on my own and I'm not sure that I can do it. Although I'm an introvert I really need someone else to be close to, I've been learning more and more over the past year how important social interactions are to me. My boyfriend knows me better than anyone on this planet, including my parents. I'm not close to my parents, so I don't even have a support system to fall back on. I've been abandoned by just about everyone I've ever been close to, I don't think this is normal. There is something wrong with me, and it's something ugly. I am alone in this and I am scared and not sure I am up to handling this emotionally/mentally/financially. I wish "metmerck" (spelling?) the user who was going through a divorce were here so that I could speak with him. I wish I knew how he was doing now. How could our lives end like this? It seems amazing that my boyfriend would no longer want me in his life, how egotistical of me to think this but it's true. To have been deceived by being clueless over the past few months that he's been feeling this way is also surprising. I don't know what to say. What a horribly painful and shocking day. Could I have prevented this? Should I try to salvage this? We've talked about the issues he's had and he seems to now not feel so strongly about breaking up, but I feel like there could only be a very low probability of coming back from something like this. But really, how could we ever come back from this... it really seems to be over... I don't understand... I don't want to move on... I loved my life with him and to see it and the potential greater happiness we could have had come to and end is absolutely crushing.

I was was starting to get confident again and then I got a pimple yesterday. I cancelled one of my bigger social plans for the weekend and now I’m trying my best to move on and recover.

I’m going to try to get addicted to exercising, it seems like every other activity that produces spikes in dopamine are not good for you in excess.

Still trying to harness my adddictive personality for good instead of shifting from vice to vice. I wish exercise were something I could get addicted to.

Yesterday was a day of decompression. You know how you can fill your computer up and then run a program that optimizes the data? That is how I felt yesterday. Did a lot of grunge work of going through stuff. Today I started the day with a cold shower. I think I will try doing those daily. Then I had vegan Indian food leftovers and watched an anime show. I did some yoga from my mind, not from a guided class. It seems like today will be a day of intermittent yoga, tea, and reading.

I got a second acid peel today. My skin has been recovering the past few weeks, I am optimistic and have been more outgoing at work, because I am looking better. I will be doing chores at home this weekend. Work has been a little stressful but I am trying to remain calm.

I don't think it is unhealthy, in fact it's probably what life is probably all about. There's a good Jordan Peterson video about this but I've watched too to be able to find it quickly. I am still struggling to get out the lone wolf, be strong on your own mindset I put myself in in my early 20's but I have gained 1 friend in the past year and it's making my life better. If I don't hang out with anyone for too long though, I quickly forget how important other people are and start viewing the world as me and everyone else.

If you’ve never invested before, please consider something other than bitcoin. r/personalfinance is a good place to start.

The secret to staying game free is to be uncomfortably busy

My acne seems to be hormonal, so I’ve been taking a few steps to keep my hormone levels calm and it seems to be recovering. I have a lot of purple scars on my forehead now from it, they should fade over time but it seems like it may take at least a month to look normalish. I met with a personal trainer yesterday. My first session is on Sunday and we are going to meet once a week. After I got attacked in the park about a year ago, I wrote in my journal that I was going to take a Muay Thai class but I never did. I’m not in the best shape for such a hard class, and I’m not sure I want to commit to doing it. So I’m going to a CrossFit gym instead which is only a block from my house for personal training to help prepare me for the group class, because when I went late last year it was too hard for me. I will still have yoga be my main focus — I did some last night. My eventual goal is to be able to do a handstand so I’m working on building a decent foundation first. I'm doing ok, still hanging onto that view of being optimistic about the future.

I am going to try going to a personal trainer next week because I really hate working out aside from yoga.

@Piotr I went to school for finance for 7 years and my job is to help people invest and retire. I would say I am a sophisticated high risk tolerance investor so what I did is something I would never advise another person to do, and I would never do it for my clients either. But I seem to have good luck in timing investment trends like oil, block chain, and medical marijuana. And these investments are always small percentages of my portfolio. Not as an early adopter, but ahead of when the mass stampedes come and getting out at decent peaks. I like to think I have some skill in gauging how the general populace is feeling about events and when excitement about a certain topic is growing.

I did not relapse but I am not doing my fucking laundry!! Drinking tea, going to do a hard 1 hour yoga video, and order in dinner.

I feel like relapsing today, on everything. I always get depressed when my bf is gone for longer periods of time and it’s been 2 weeks. It doesn’t help that I really need to do my laundry.

Hmmm What have I done since a week ago? Fucking nothing!! Still haven't been able to commit to doing things.

In the US you need to save throughout your life for a good retirement.

My word of the year was commitment and I already broke it! I’m so soft on myself.

At the moment, I am healing my face as well as my finances. I have only been listening to happy music. I did some light yoga yesterday. I have a more positive attitude than I did last week.

Commitment. I have strong willpower but not enough commitment to apply that willpower. I haven’t strongly committed to exercising, writing, painting, or socializing. Luckily, I float enough between these activities to see small improvements since I’ve stopped gaming, but I haven’t fully grasped and committed to any of these. The monkey part of my brain often easily convinces me to relax instead. I’m very soft on myself. I want to especially commit to working out more.

Early 2018: I spent a lot of money towards the end of last year, but I made some great investment choices so my money has been growing anyway. I had a 39% return last year! I'm going to try to save $25,000 this year.

When I looked in the mirror today, I cried a little. I still have hope that things will get better soon.