JSmith

Captain's Log - JSmith | 3.19.2018 | Day 7 So work on my novel outline today came to a halt, and rather spectacularly I might add, after I found a massive scientific plot hole in my notes. So I spent the large majority of my time today going back to research. Nuclear physics is complicated...conceptual online sources are too disparate in their language, and a textbook I picked up on "Introductory" Nuclear Physics was too comprehensive, and math heavy. I didn't even know what questions to ask to know what I needed to know to create what I needed to create. Maybe I just need more time. Even got in an extra hour of work after reaching the quota to try and tackle this issue. And now I just feel stupid about the whole thing again. Why am I working so hard to create fiction? It's just...fiction. But I already got this far, might as well finish it. Well, it's not just about sharing fiction, when I think about it. It's about sharing an image, a vision. Still it feels silly, since it's not real. Job interview seemed to go fine. Tried not to kill myself in the gym today, that went fine. Filled out my residential application for school in the Fall, scared about that. I really need a single. Gonna see if I can pull some strings.

Day 6 I'm very tired. In fact, I don't recall feeling tired like this in a very long time. It's only 11pm. My mental battery is empty. I'm ready to go to sleep. Feels kind of like back in high school, after long nights of homework, as opposed to staying up all night playing games until your body literally can't function. That's a different tired. Exercise was fine. Hoping my muscles will regenerate enough for strength training tomorrow. Still feel like this is kind of an unnecessary goal, but I'll see how it goes. I'm getting better at the cardio every day, though. Was forced to take a cold shower this morning, thanks to a certain someone I live with who likes to take long showers, despite sharing a single bathroom with two other people...oh well. I thought I was going to pass out from the shock. I've heard that cold showers can give you a good mental boost, and for a while I did feel kind of a silly sort of giddiness, if only for feeling so ridiculous for trying such a thing. But it was short lived. It was cold in the apartment, it was cold outside, and by the time I got to the library, I felt pretty miserable to be honest. Oh well. Slow start to my writing quota. Spent a lot of time trying to organize this trip I have to take to my college soon, and then my therapist finally got back to me and I ended up crafting a rather elaborate post to answer her questions. By the time I opened up my novel outline, I was drained. Took some time to get going again, but eventually I did it. Okay, I need to go to bed.

@JanG Which time? I relapsed a few times :( Basically what it comes down to is that voice in my head that keeps telling me I don't need to quit gaming all the way, that I can somehow manage it and turn out alright. For the last month or so that's sort of been the case...I was writing daily and getting therapy and applying to school and work and I was still able to game, but what I realized was that A) I would progress much faster with my goals if I just dropped gaming, B) The games I was playing (particularly mobile games) were complete garbage designed only to make you spend money, and the games I really wanted to play I couldn't because of my living situation, which leads to C) I didn't even really like gaming in this manner, but I still did it because it made me feel better about my life, like I was still making progress in something. Needless to say I've snapped out of it. College (right after I withdrew) was a little more complicated. I remember feeling upset about my lack of success despite giving up gaming, and jealous that all my college roommates were gamers (and fucking getting in my way at that) despite still being able to keep up with schooling. In retrospect, the first day I saw them all playing super smash bros in my dorm room, I should have got the fuck out of there, by any means necessary. Instead I thought I could handle it, especially since I only had like 30 days left in my detox, and afterwards I let my frustrations get to me. Oh well. My Dad even warned me. He told me over a text that the conflict with my roommate was probably going to get worse but I should just try my best and see how it goes, something like that. Okay, no more brooding over the past. Day 5 I did literally what I said I would do in my last post. Woke up, exercised, went shopping, then got to work. Took a bus down to the library of this nearby college. Banged out my minimum daily writing quota, and I only had to take two short breaks, which surprised me the most. My muscles are hurting, and I was afraid I was gonna fatigue out again like yesterday, but I held through. Probably didn't need to go to the mall though, to be honest. Expensive and unnecessary treats :( probably would have been better off just grabbing food at home and heading back to the library. But I earned it and I had the time, so whatevs. Then I walked to the bookstore to try some more writing...and I fatigued out. Maybe only 30 minutes of extra credit? This outline is getting really big. So basically three hours today, though I think I'm gonna try and squeeze out a little more writing before bed tonight. Might as well. My mind feels cluttered after just finishing this movie. Someone was watching reality tv in the living room, and there's no way I can try to write with that in the background, so I just let it go. It was this action movie and I was super hyped watching it, but now I feel this heaviness. Hopefully I can snap out of it. Haven't watched a movie in a while though, so I don't feel too guilty, and like I said, I don't think anything productive would have happened in that time period anyways. Tomorrow is super easy. Wake up, exercise, and then writing. Okay, simple, not easy.

What I did was go into my youtube history and deleted all of the gaming videos I’ve watched, going back at least a few weeks. That coupled with unsubscribing from all gaming related channels cleared my front page of such suggestions. You could certainly try going cold turkey as well, but not all youtube videos are bad. I’m subscribed to channels that deal with motivation, personal development, music, and cool science (kurzgesagt!). It’s much harder to “binge” on those and I don’t feel like I’m completely wasting my time.

The fact that I'm updating my counters after midnight is making keeping track of the days super confusing. I said yesterday was day 4, but I just added a 4 to my sticky note??? A captain who doesn't even know what day it is... Oh I get it, that was the 4th day, this is the 5th day. We're back on track. I think I went a little too hard at the gym today. My arms were still sore but I did more pushups, squats, attempted sit-ups (but my feet kept sliding on the mat. I'll have to find a wall next time) and spinning. Then I went home, showered and ran an errand. As soon as I got home to do laundry and write I was feeling tired and sick. Luckily a quick nap seemed to fix it. Just finished five 30 minute pomodoros of writing, which I have officially established as my minimum daily writing quota. @Cam Adair Thanks, man. My therapist finally got back to me, so I'll give her a few more days at least. We're having literally four different conversations at the same time, a common pitfall I've noticed with pure online communication. Or maybe I'm just too off the rails...I feel like people are always missing the fine details in my messages. Tomorrow and Sunday will be spinning only. I'll leave the strength training for M/W/F. I don't even think strength training is absolutely necessary. I just feel like if I'm gonna be at the gym every day, I might as well improve my heart and my muscles. Agenda for tomorrow will be exercise, shopping, and then writing of course. Depending on when I finish I may treat myself to some eats at the mall. They have a good ice cream place there. I can always do more writing afterwards if I'm super efficient. It's not like I've got anything else to do! I have a part-time job interview at this bookstore I really like on Monday. Really hoping I get this one. I love bookstores.

So I've given up video gaming completely to devote more time and energy into completing my novel. Simple as that. Wow, it does seem simple when I write it like that. Why couldn't I think this way yesterday? I haven't posted in a while (that last attempt...embarrassing), but I've never really left. I always check in out of curiosity I guess. Curiosity to see how other people are doing in their lives, how they are progressing in their lives. And now that I've stopped gaming (again) my social circle has withered away to almost nothing. So I guess I'm back because I would like to be a part of some kind of community, even if it's only temporary. One time while I was snooping I came across Cam's ad for betterhelp.com, and I leapt on it. I knew I wanted to get back into therapy for a long time, and this site makes it really convenient. Though I'm not too sure how effective it is. I've been talking with this therapist but some days she doesn't respond to me at all, which feels bad. I even marked a message as urgent and still nothing today. I might switch, but just having someone to check up on me is making it a little easier to deal with my problems. Apparently I am struggling with a love and sex addiction, which is incredibly ironic seeing as I'm single and have been for basically my entire life. It's a long story. Anyways I told my therapist about this site and she didn't know anything about it. I don't know if writing here is necessarily the best solution to my social dilemma, but I might as well give it a try. I literally spent most of the day writing. I'm 30 pages into a full outline for my novel and I still have many scenes to make. This is crazy. Originally I was using "Slight Edge" tactics, but 30 minutes a day was just not cutting it for me. Why build up over time when I can just fucking attack it? I want my life to change, I want financial freedom, I want TRUE freedom, and the only way I'm gonna get there is by working my ass off. So it's time to do that. In the meantime I've been accepted into a college again, so I'll be doing that. As easier as it would be, I can't just drop everything to work on my novel. Still have to make a living while I do that. And trying to do it without a degree, based on what I've seen so far in this last year and a half, seems just not possible. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough because I was still gaming. Honestly, I'm so early into this, anything could be the case. In fact, I think this is the first time since I left college a year and a half ago that I HAVEN'T played any games. Got a whole sticky note of counters on my desktop. Today is day 4. But I'm not really thinking about the 90-day detox. I'm going to stay away from games until my book is done. Still it's nice to know how far I've come. Right before I quit I was playing the crap out of Final Fantasy XV, which just came out on PC maybe a week ago. I've waited so many years to play this game, and I uninstalled on the second to last chapter. I was in PAIN for several days (especially since it's a good story too, not just a good game), but it's fading. Just to show how serious I am about this. Maybe once I've got a book contract and can get the hell out of this place, I'll finish it. But not until then. I even hit the gym today, just because my therapist told me to. And I'm going back tomorrow. After that, lots more writing.

I can tell you without a doubt from my own personal experiences that karate was one of, if not the best, replacement for gaming I have ever done. I picked it up again while I was in college and stepping away from gaming and it definitely filled my need for constant measureable growth, overcoming challenges, and competing with others. Pick it up if you can, you won’t regret it!

Honestly I don't know if I should make a new journal or keep posting entries in this one. I feel like it might help me break away from the past, or maybe it doesn't really matter. I kind of like having everything in one place. I haven't been on here in a while because, truth be told, I relapsed pretty hard. A snowstorm hit last week and I just...stopped doing everything. Dove back into the computer/mobile games and camped out in my mom's apartment. Now here I am tonight, writing another journal entry, angered into beginning another full 90 day detox after my mother suddenly approached me yesterday morning talking about how she and my stepdad are frustrated with me about not going to work and sitting around playing games all day and now I have to follow certain expectations and "act like an adult" if I'm going to stay here. She was right, I had fallen off track. And yet I'm having difficulty pinpointing what exactly about her complaints pissed me off so much. Maybe it's that I've been busting my ass this entire past year trying to make all kinds of shit work, and now she's against me because of one bad week. Maybe it's the fact that she clearly hasn't been paying enough attention; yes I've slacked off, but I've still been applying to jobs and doing career research from time to time. Or maybe it's the fact that she indirectly called me a child. My heart is pounding as I type this. To be honest, I really don't give a fuck what my parents or society deems as "adult" behavior. I don't give a fuck about the status quo or how someone my age is "supposed" to act. All I want to do is live an independent life, free from dependence or forced interaction with other people. Or maybe it's the fact that my stepdad does drugs for goodness sake...if he gets off the plant then maybe I'll put more stock in his frustrations. But what can I argue? I have no college degree, no source of income (not since I quit my valet job this afternoon...too cold and they're laying us off next month anyways), living on my mother's couch. So fine, I'll wise up. No more gaming under her roof. Then she'll have nothing to complain about. I was far angrier yesterday than I am today. I don't understand, I've worked hard many periods in my life, very hard. I've tried and failed and tried again, and it's like nobody cares. They see me how I am right now, and they judge. But whatever. This is good for me anyways. It doesn't make sense to play video games right now, since I can't even really do it the way I want to. It's like...I've been trying to get comfortable since I've been here, instead of trying to get OUT. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been trying to get out, just not hard enough. Once I have my own place, I can try pursuing things I'm interested in, like piano or writing or gaming, but I gotta get the place first. A year ago I looked at this same issue and I thought to myself "well it's just an excuse if I decide 'oh well I should wait until things are better' because things will never be just right for me to start pursuing my goals" and while that's true in a sense, there still needs to be a foundation. I don't have a bed to sleep on. I don't have a desk for my laptop. The internet constantly goes out because there's too many devices and not enough bandwidth. Hell is freezing over outside and there's cold air streaming over my bedsheets and my things from cracks between the windows and I'm huddling in front of a tiny space heater because keeping the apartment heat on is too expensive. And I've got the piano I bought last year against the wall with my lesson books and I still have my karate uniform and belts in a box from college and I've been trying to write a damn novel. And I've been obsessing over a pay to win Star Wars mobile game. That last one is just...the ultimate sin. Minus the Star Wars. Last night I spent $200 gearing up a character and then deleted the game hours later when I decided enough was enough. I felt horrible. I still have plenty of money to last while I get going...but to throw large amounts of money away like that...is just stupid. For a game where only the spenders get the high ranks, skill means almost nothing, if not nothing. For a game that tells me when to play, I can't decide when to play. Because it had Star Wars on the label. Because the character was Luke Skywalker. Fuck that game, and fuck Electronic Arts. But I still made the choice, so it's ultimately my fault. I'm just venting at this point. Kudos if you're reading all of this. I don't even know what that means. "praise and honor recieved for an achievement" I guess I used that semi-correctly? I actually feel a little better now. Maybe I can talk about what I actually did today. DAY 1 So...yeah I guess I'm actually doing this. I woke up today with some hella-powerful urges to redownload those mobile games I uninstalled, and it lingered throughout the day, but I resisted. I felt more anger today, for some of the reasons I mentioned above. My stepdad and my sister, they love the plant. My dad, he loves his sports. But I can't have my video games, because then my life gets all messy. I actually don't know what my mom does; I rarely see her. Like I said, it makes more sense to try again when I'm on my own, after the basics are taken care of. But not until then. And who knows, maybe by the time I get there, my life could be so awesome I won't need to play games. I won't close myself to that possibility, though I have yet to see it. Okay, that's a lie. I kinda saw it, a year and a half ago, during my first detox. Right before college started up again. I was feeling happy. I had my own room, I was working, I was studying, I was doing karate, I was making real progress in my life. But then the semester began and it all just went to shit. Is it really all my fault? Am I still solely to blame? I have read from various personal development sources that success requires taking full responsibility over one's life...and yet I feel so out of control it's difficult to even pinpoint where exactly I went wrong and what I could have done differently. But I shouldn't worry about the past. I should be thinking about the future. About how I'm going to get out of this place. So today I started the enlistment process for joining the USAF. Which involved filling out a 26-page long application. I don't even know if I'm going to qualify now. I have many tricky health problems, and all these questions asking me to provide information on friends...references...people outside of my family who know me well...people that simply don't exist. I will talk to my recruiter tomorrow about this. I am a little nervous about joining. A four year committment is a long time, and a lot can happen. But it's a very good deal. I get most if not all my living expenses taken care of, lots of paid vacation time off, tuition assistance if I want to go back to school, and I still get paid. And if I'm really determined, I could even become a pilot. I've always been fascinated with flying. But that's not my specific goal, not right now. I just need to get on my feet first. The point is I have options. On the other hand, I could just stay in this town and look for a higher paying job and try to make it out on my own. I might be able to pull it off, but money would be tight. I've spent a lot of money on seeing doctors because of a knee problem I had during work, and now I might need braces as well. I already worked out a budget for all possible living expenses; having to pay $100-150 a month for braces shatters that. And the goddamn weather...last year I told myself I would never experience another northeast winter, and here I am. But again, that's my fault. Funny enough, I'm pretty sure braces are also a disqualifying factor for joining the USAF. I really might need them though. Jaw pains, a crooked bite...so many problems I have an appointment with the recruiter on Thursday to review my application. At least I'm doing something. I had a very depressing thought on the bus ride back from my old job. What if there is no hope for me? What if I'm just heading towards an inevitable end? Homelessness? Panhandling on the streets? Suicide? No, I must fight it. But how? I guess starting with another detox. This time is different. I quit gaming before while I was in college. But this, this is the real world. And it's very scary. Sorry for the length. I know these are meant to serve the writers themselves, but I know how intimidating a wall of text can be. Consider it a make-up for my couple weeks of inactivity. The truth is, I don't even know if I can get through this without the support of this community. I've read many other journals and I know there are others struggling pretty bad as well. Perhaps I simply find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. At the very least, I vented.

Day 4 Maybe I should make a brand new journal. That Space Shuttle pic though, so beautiful. No idea what the title would be. Probably Rhonin's Journal. I think music is by far the greatest constant in my life. No matter what I'm doing, no matter what I'm going through, I'm always listening to music. It's probably the last thing I would give up. Though now that I mention it, I'm curious as to what my life would be like without it. Speaking of which, I have a piano lesson tomorrow. Haven't had one since late June. Figured why not see what this new guy can offer me. So I spent some time today writing about everything I want to experience in the world. It wasn't a full circle entry or anything, and I got really exhausted in the middle of it. Digging deep is always exhausting, not sure why. Does this happen to anyone else while journaling? Anyways, already had a couple interesting insights. For one, none of my desired experiences involve any kind of writing, joining the air force, or any kind of engineering. For another, I find it very unsettling that being a Jedi was the very first thing that came to mind...seeing as Star Wars is fake. In fact, I had to make two lists, the second where I split the experiences into two catagories: FANTASY and REAL. Still no writing, air force, or engineering. And it kind of makes sense. Jedi in the Star Wars universe were not only Jedi, but they also flew starfighters and commanded entire vessels, like the Venator class ships of the Republic (before they turned into Star Destroyers). I think they can even command small fleets. And then there's Battle Meditation...so there's my flying/technology/karate/lightsabers/futuristic fix right there, all in one fantasy. I don't need to get into the similarities between karate and the Jedi order...I think that's pretty apparent. Everything else...writing, air force, engineeering, karate...are just my attempts to get closer to this fantasy. Though I still think it would be pretty cool to wear a black belt. Left it on the list for that reason. And then piano. Piano was actually the only thing I managed to get done today, other than the private journaling. Felt like practicing, didn't feel like doing the other things I've been doing. But feelings come and go of course. I've said this before. Hah, because of how this text box is designed, it looks like the Space Shuttle is talking. That's funny. "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop; at last there is one drop which makes it turn over, so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over." Best book quote I've ever read. Memorized it too. Ray Bradbury is exceptional. Aaand now I'm tired. Still so much to talk about, but...that's enough for now I guess.

@Hitaru I may do that as a private writing exercise tomorrow.

Day 3 What the fuck am I doing? I...I don't know. I've taken a lot of action over the last three days, but to what end? I feel like I would be so much better off if I just chose ONE thing to focus on and did that. Instead I'm kinda dabbling. 1 tomato spent drawing up military organizational details for said novel 1 tomato spent finding a better job 1 tomato spent playing piano pieces out of what I'm sure is a piano lesson book for kids...at least I'm on Level 2 10 pages of Demon Haunted World "KARAH-TAY? You should be making me MONEY-YEE!" Oh my god it's so cold outside I don't even want to bother doing shit like waiting for the bus, but having that quiet space at the nearby college was very helpful. The library is closed for winter break (AHHH) but I think the engineering building will still be open. Only time will tell. So apparently some family of mine will be having a big meeting tomorrow, and from what I hear drama may ensue, so I'll have to dissappear at 6pm. I hate drama. I may rewatch The Last Jedi. Someone said they liked it better the second time around, and I must admit there are a few scenes I'm dying to see again. Maybe. I'm not feeling this tonight. Maybe I had too much ice cream. Mmm, ice cream. Back to music.

I'm having flashbacks reading this entry. Good luck man.

Day 2 of...something Did all the shit I did yesterday. Research on army/air force operational units for my novel. Applied to another job. Messed around in one of my piano books. Parked cars. I guess I should really be working more on the manuscript but I may need to do a more detailed outline before I continue with it. There's just too many details. Plus more boring adult stuff that took more time than I expected. Should have more free time tomorrow. Too much drama happening in this apartment. And noise. Need to get out. Still. Okay, so maybe I should work on my novel/job hunt first and then do everything else after. Taking a bus to the library at 8pm just doesn't sit well with me...and neither does working in the coffee shop of a supermarket, despite it being within walking distance (drama there too, employees complaining 24/7) I made the most amazing, concise list of everything I'm interested in just a couple hours ago. It's like...crazy. Not sure where to go from there. Considered picking up a copy of Steven Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People today, but I figured if I'm going to pick up reading again, I should probably finish Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted World first. Great book. One at a time. Feelings are so come and go, you can't trust them really. I came home from work feeling grumpy as hell until I stuffed a sandwich in my face. @Hitaru that sounds insane... I actually have a second novel idea, but I mean, one at a time, right? It's just...this one seems like it would be so much better. Then again I've been working on my current story for so long, it feels completely washed out. I was 13 when I came up with the idea. This new idea feels more mature. I'm considering joining the air force. Well, kinda. It sounds like a decent backup plan. And I can pursue my childhood dream of becoming a pilot. Yes, it's on the list. I feel like tomorrow is going to be even more scary than today. How odd. Goodnight folks.

Day 1 of...something Alright, alright, that's enough for one day. Not even sure how I want to frame this thing. Got up, went to work....no, that's now how I want to do it. Or is it? Nah, screw that, let's mix it up. I'm just going to throw random shit on this page in no particular order. - Classical Piano - Gaming - Novel Writing - Karate - Spaceships Oh my, what a list. There it is, those are my interests. Nah I'm just being scared. No, here's what I actually did: Oh no, I can't do that either, I can't keep copy pasting lists, then this will get too long haha. Oh but why am I afraid of such a thing? This journal is for me, I shouldn't care so much about others. Oh, but I do, or else I would just be writing in a word document or something, hm. @Cam Adair Hey man, good to hear from you again. It's certainly been a while. @Hitaru I guess that's why I'm doing all of this, to find out what that something is. Oh speaking of which, that list again...oh geez, where do I even...uhm. Let's see. I saw an anime that revolved around classical piano, it was beautiful, it made me cry, so after I left school I started taking lessons. Woah head spinning. Okay it passed. Well, kinda. Did an actual performance after about four months, I nailed it, but I didn't feel much, other than the satisfaction of having nailed it, which didn't seem worth it. Dropped it becuase I needed to save money. Gaming, well, I've talked about that plenty of times. Still curious about the idea of starting a gaming channel, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna do that in my mother's living room, and I kinda can't anyways. A living space of my own is required. And gaming just to game isn't gonna get me there, which oh by the way, I uninstalled all my computer games and stuffed my gaming mouse and mousepad in a box. So much free time today...and I actually used it all too. Novel writing...so between me leaving school and this post I managed to not only finish planning for that novel I talked about, but I also wrote about 25,000 words towards the first draft. Shit, that was like, a month ago. Why did I stop? I don't even remember. Something distracted me. Haven't even stepped inside of a karate class since I left school, yet that shit still consumes my thoughts from time to time, surprisingly. I still even have my belt and uniform, in the aforementioned box. And spaceships, well, let's not even go there right now. I came home today and just did a little bit of everything. Well, first I had a bunch of boring adult stuff to catch up with, then I started messing around. Dusted off the ol' Pomodoro timer. Half an hour of this, half an hour of that. Oh, all I did was write and play some piano. No way, I did more than that. Okay, so mostly the boring adult stuff. Damn, I'm gonna have even more time tomorrow. I'm scared. I have yet to drive a Tesla Model S at my job (I park cars). I WANT that car. I mean, beamers are nice too, but cmon man, we're killing the planet. Oh, now I'm starting to remember why I stopped writing. Total burnout. Two and a half hours a day, on top of everything else, that's freaking insane. Unsustainable. Or is it? You know what I did for the half hour of writing today? Stared at a wikipedia page. Martian time vs. Earth time. I think I typed ten words, in a spreadsheet. Didn't even open the manuscript. Okay, so probably not the best idea to be writing in the living room, too much noise. Will have to go back to the library. The more intricate and difficult a piano piece gets, the more I enjoy playing it. Interesting observation. And then there are the genuine just great sounding ones. So there's this girl I may or may not have a crush on at work. I mean, I guess that means I don't, since when it comes to matters of the heart, you should know pretty much right away, am I right? I mean, let's not play games here. Then again, there's something about her. I spoke to her today very briefly. She asked me how the weather was. THE WEATHER. SHE ASKED ME ABOUT THE WEATHER. That smile though, damn. Spent maybe half the time at work daydreaming about being a Jedi. I could be a far better Jedi than Rey ever could. I bet Daisy Ridley doesn't know the seven forms of lightsaber combat. I do. I think...I've sufficiently emptied my system. Just in time for bed. Goodnight people. I actually missed several things, but honestly that's okay. Not even gonna proofread. No, I can't. I have to proofread. Gonna fight the urge to make edits, because this isn't the New York Times. Until tomorrow.

I don't even know what to call this. There's no ship anymore...and the captain is lost. It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. Yesterday was my 22nd birthday, and I was sad. Just like on my 21st birthday, and my 20th, and my 19th...and I'm tired of it. I don't even know where to start. I thought I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life, but now I have no idea. I mean, I made a list, it's still there, but the why of the list, that's what's getting me. The why is just as important as the what, and they don't make any sense. And I can't trust my own brain to stick with a decision, because things keep changing, I keep changing, and suddenly what I want isn't what I want. And I can't stick with something. And that's been the last two years. And I'm unhappy because I am not where I want to be in my life. I'm not where I imagined I would be when I was in high school. I don't have much. I left school because, honestly, I stopped believing in my dreams. But survival...I wasn't thinking about that. Maybe I should have stayed, maybe I should have switched majors, I don't know. College was kicking my ass anyways. I wasn't going to make it. It's all in the past now. Video games. They've been dragging me down. I told myself I was playing them because I actually wanted to, and that I wasn't escaping from anything. But lately, that's exactly what I've been doing. Just playing a ton, when I should be doing other important things, like finding better work, so I can get out of where I am currently. If that's even possible. But it's better than not trying at all, so no more computer games. I still want to play this mobile game on my phone, because it's a Star Wars game and I'm invested, but I just saw The Last Jedi a few hours ago and I'm so disenchanted with the mythology right now I almost want to quit that too. But a step at a time I suppose. That's all I got for tonight, I'm pretty tired. I just felt like reaching out. I could use a hand right now, at least until I find a professional counselor or someone to speak with. Got a bunch of names from my doctor I have to sift through. And it won't be cheap either. Goodnight.

psst try the snowflake method if you want to plan

I'm turning 21 in December. *cringe warning* Maybe I would be upset, but I wouldn't blame them. I've never cared about collecting friends, just having that special someone aha.

Captain's Log - JSmith | 10.13.2016 | Post-Detox Day 10 Today wasn't that great of a day. Woke up in a scramble to finish my physics lab report, then all productivity kind of just stopped thereafter. Not sure as to why, I just remember getting to the library in the afternoon and kind of just sitting there...decided I needed a break and didn't really recover. Oh well. Been feeling quite unsatisfied with my friends lately. I don't know, there's a vibe I get whenever the four of us are all hanging out together I don't quite like. Something just feels off; I don't feel as connected to them anymore. Was especially awkward this evening. I don't even know if I want to sit with all of them in the future. It is a scary concept, especially in a school like mine, where it's all groups groups groups and if you're not in one you're pretty much out. It sucks honestly. But of course being alone is always better than being with people who make you unhappy. Even moreso for an introvert like myself. Kind of snowballed into a generally low mood later on in the night. Which is ironic becuase I was actually hanging out with one friend (I always feel better with just one other person than with a group) and we were having a decently good time when it hit me. That sadness I feel whenever I desire for a girlfriend...I feel like a weak piece of shit everytime I mention it, but it happens. Probably because I saw a couple familiar faces (it's a long story), or maybe because of all the sad romance stories I keep reading from Quora, or maybe because I haven't heard jack from my roleplaying partner in three days (and it's not because she's "too busy"...I know for a fact she's lying). Or maybe because all of the above. It's just weird because I know it's not something I can really chase, like I guess I could "try" but that's not really how it works anyways. Might the people I hang out with play a role? Not directly of course, like I'm not blaming them...I just find it interesting that literally none of my friends are in a relationship either. Maybe that's not so odd, maybe I'm overanalyzing. I just feel like there has to be an equation...some algorithm I can read that explains exactly why I am where I am. My entire life it feels as if I've been combatting this feeling, trying to fight or suppress it so it doesn't destroy me from the inside. Unlike any of the other challenges I've faced, I have absolutely NO idea how to fight this...and yet trying to ignore it seems just as difficult. Any attempts at trying to understand only leave me frustrated and confused. I should just give up and play video games. That's easy and fun, right? Goddamn life. Ah, sorry. Spiraling again. I should get some sleep. Ha, that's funny. One of my roommate's friends just said "greatest moments of my life, playing smash". My sentiments exactly. Goodnight wonderful people. @Reno F how old did you think I was?

Captain's Log - JSmith | 10.12.2016 | Post-Detox Day 9 Was just watching some videos on Youtube regarding the upcoming predsidential election. What a shit-show. There actually aren't too many Americans on this forum so I feel comfortable with talking a little bit about this. It's the first election I'm actually qualified to vote in...and this is the best we have to pick from. It's unbelievable. At first I considered myself an uninformed citizen, not knowing (or caring...to be perfectly honest) enough about politics to make a vote based solely on knowledge and/or logic. But then I watched this one video and some guy's like "if America goes to shit and you didn't vote, it's your fault" and I'm getting emails about registering to vote on campus and I'm hearing all the bad shit about the candidates and...PRESSURE. I mean it's one thing to have an opinion on what you would like for your country, but when I'm watching another video and this other guy is saying "these candidates are going to do damage...pick whoever you think will do the least damage" it's like well damn, maybe I shouldn't just sit on the sidelines. I don't know. America is great, amirite? (please feel free to strongly disagree, I won't get butthurt) I got nothing else for tonight, sorry. Just been working and stuff. Stay global.

My IME keyboard appears to be broken. All I can do is switch to Japanese, but nothing else works, no other shortcuts, can't change modes, etc. I can't even access the IME settings - it just crashes. I downloaded Chinese using a different keyboard and it worked perfectly, but I'm not trying to learn Chinese D': *More spoilers* Tell me about it! I don't know how japanese anime creators do it...it's like they know how humanity works and nobody else. The part when she appeared during his last performance was heart crushing. And I think the Japanese language actually makes it more intense. It's so beautiful, you can feel the emotion in the dialogue. I re-watched the first episode of Attack on Titan with the new english dub and was like "no". English sounds weird haha. PS: We're singing the opening of Neon Genesis Evangelion in Japanese class now...I think the instructor likes anime. PPS: My dream is to yell something in Japanese. PPPS: Actually I do that all the time...in karate. But you know what I mean.

I got the IME keyboard. But it's not working for some reason. I'm typing the romanji, but nothing's coming up. I even tried the on screen keyboard and still nothing. All the options are in Japanese so I can't really read them...yet. I read from one article that once you switch keyboards and click the A symbol on the taskbar, it should turn into a Hiragana symbol and then you're good to go, but it never did that. @Simon E It's called Your Lie in April. Never seen anything like it. Captain's Log - JSmith | 10.11.2016 | Post-Detox Day 8 Damn productive day today. Had Physics in the morning, then I just hit the library, and kinda just stayed there. Left for meals and an advising session, but it's about 9:53pm and I'm writing from the fourth floor of the building. Usually I'd be in my dorm or something, but I saw no reason to leave yet. Got a lot done, but I still feel like I have so much left. The work never really stops. Spent about the last hour or so working on my novel after Thermo HW, which was great. I've decided to dedicate at least a tiny portion everyday to making progress on that, doesn't matter when or where. I really want to get it done. Of course it's going to be a huge project, and probably the second most difficult thing I've ever done (aside from being an ME student...), but I'm tired of letting just sit in my brain for several years. I do already have quite a bit fleshed out though, like the massive backstory...good prequel material amirite?

That's amazing! Best of luck to you on your quest! Did your vision appear to you, or did you just make it?

Kudasai! That's right, I totally forgot haha. How do you type Japanese characters?

JSmith | 10.10.2016 | Post-Detox Day 7 Geez, it's been seven days already??? Where does the time even go? Had my Japanese midterm exam today, which went pretty well I think, despite some tiny shortcomings (how do you say "Please give me" in Japanese...). Also got my Physics exam grade back. Hellabad, as expected. Wait, did I expect that? I don't remember. Went back to the post I wrote after I took it. Yes, I did. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, lots to get done, especially given, uh, yesterday's preoccupation...but it's okay! I have basically all day tomorrow, so I'm not gonna waste it. Pretty annoyed though over forgetting to go to my advising session today. I had it on my calendar, but my phone didn't notify me for some reason . Will have to go tomorrow. Finally went back to karate tonight. I'm just a tiny bit rusty, but I should be back in good shape before the tournament coming up in a couple weeks. From the looks of it, it's gonna be a big one. I had another epiphany earlier today while walking I wanted to share with you all, but I forgot what it was...oh well. Stay cool.

It's going to be a science fiction novel. Don't be afraid Woody.