Simon E

@flingaas Nice to hear that someone can relate (I also lol'd a little when writing that tldr) Yeah, it's pretty dumb of me to wish I were satisfied with that kind of life, and I should let go of that wish. I want more, and to deny that would be to deny my very nature (spoiler alert: you don't want to do that). So I'll listen to the voices I've ignored up until now and begin building something great. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your input!

I think you realized something really helpful here. You should find some activities that you love, and then the "getting good"-part will be more of a side effect than the main purpose, so you won't get bored because of a lack of results. And yeah, writing is a good one. There's really no limits to what you can create, and also, there's some techniqual stuff you can learn and improve on (show-don't tell, use of adverbs, active vs passive voice), which gives some structure to the process. But focus on simply having fun and not judging, and it'll be great!

Welcome! I've also struggled with league alot, and even if I wasn't as good or as serious as you I considered myself pretty proficient at the game (usually ranked in high plat somewhere). That made it even harder to quit, since I didn't want to lose the identity this gave me (being better than all of my friends and the majority of players.) I'm a pretty quick learner too, but I found that there's no way to get good at something real as fast as you would in a game (in a week of intense playing you can get from silver to plat in league, and suddenly you have become better than million of players. This simply won't happen in a non-virtual reality). Despite this, the rewards you get from sticking to an activity in real life is worth infinitely more, since they are real, and the game isn't (you can argue that we define what's real and meaningful to ourselves, but that's another topic.) I think you should stick to something for more than a few weeks even if it gets boring, cause the thing is, it's often the most boring just in the beginning. My activities are, if you need inspiration: writing, drawing, playing instruments (both piano and guitar), exercising (gym and krav maga)(right, martial arts might be something for you), and even juggling (it's fun to do something that takes literally zero intelligence once in a while - just throw the balls and catch em again.) That's just my two cents, hope it helps!

I train krav maga right now, and I'm inclined to say that's it's the best martial art I know of (I've tried out boxing, muay thai, kung fu and jiu jitsu before). It's definitely not more violent than other martial arts, and atleast here everything is done in a very calm manner. You get to learn a lot of practical stuff (defense against chokes and stuff like that), but also stuff like proper boxing and kicking techniques. If you want to compete, it's not for you, since you can't compete in krav maga. It's only for self defense. (Although some clubs offer sparring classes, and that's competetive enough for me.) I've found, and this is only from my experience, that many of the asian/eastern martial arts are mostly bullshit: there's fancy high kicks that are useless in a real fight, and weird spiritual disciplines there's no point of. Ofcourse, this all varies from club to club. I would recommend you just try out a bunch of different martial arts, and see what you prefer. And if you find one you like, stick with it. You won't see instant results, but it's really worth it in a while, and also it's really fun. Just my point of view.

Welcome aboard, and great job starting your journey!

Day 17: Kinda weird day. Got home late from the krav maga yesterday, and so we ended up with the fearsome combination of me + lack of sleep + school. It usually equals disaster, but today was an exception to some degree. During the entire school day I kinda just hung around, felt complete contempt for everything and everyone (except some of my classmates, they're the only reason I survive day's like these, and except for music - literally had earphones plugged in the entire time). Couldn't really focus on schoolwork at all, but that's fine, I think. I can just catch up later/on the weekend (if I even have to, some lessons are basically just a big clown fiesta; we're not doing anything anyways). After school we had some kind of undergraduate (I do not now the term in english) contest, the first of many. The class that's achieved the highest score when all these are over will be the first class to run out when graduating, the class with the second highest score will be the second class to run out etc. In the contest that took place today, you got points for your class by doing a variety of weird to crazy stuff, like hugging a police officer, bringing a donkey (??), swimming in the sea (this is not as pleasant as it sounds, since it's basically 2-3 degrees Celsius here atm), bringing the biggest dildo (don't ask me, I didn't make up this shit) and, ofcourse, getting a tattoo. It seems we're the only sensible graduating class on the school, since we're the only class in which no one got a tattoo. (And it's not like you can choose your tattoo yourself, it has to be something made up by the ones that came up with the list.) It all made me question the intelligence of the average human, a topic I can rant on forever about but I'll limit myself to this; I find myself seriously disappointed more often than not. I honestly can't bring myself to care about these things as much as everyone else seems to do, prom, the graduation day, the parties. Lasting happiness isn't achieved on single occasions, and especially not by doing stupid shit. Idk, I'm just confused. Most (atleast the ones I've befriended) of my classmates are mature and open-minded, but even they get stupid about this stuff, and I don't get it. I do not expect you guys to have an answer either, I just felt the need to write it down (and the need to get to 500 words.) Also, I'm having a few cravings atm. I think it's because of the fact that I lack an acitivity I can do for high-density fun, and also because I'm watching league videos (which is just retarded, but it's kinda comforting with something that's familiar) Considering starting with some kind of goalsetting/gratitude writing thing here, but not right now. I will keep the journal limited to my weird thoughts and strange observations from life. TLDR: nothing interesting. Me getting confused by human stupidity. Tattoos and big dildos.

Abort mission. I repeat, abort mission. I kinda fucked up the chemistry test, and not in a good way. By fucked up, I mean I won't get an A. I might be too hard on myself for feeling sad over that, but still, it sucks. Whenever I don't do something perfectly I feel like there's something lacking of me as a person; basically, I have a really hard time differentiating what I do from what I am. The day started off pretty nicely, but after the test I got kinda depressed. I'm watching way too many league videos right now, something that's happening when I'm tired or sad, and I have to stop really bad, cause I can feel the cravings leaving whatever hellhole they reside in and making their way over here. Argh. During my darker moments I sometimes wish I didn't feel the need to quit gaming; I wish that I didn't have all these dreams and ambitions and were content with sitting hunched over a screen all day and all night long. Cause really, it's all subjective. Happiness, fulfillment, sucess. These are all terms unique to every human, every living being. There is no right path to walk in life; if one finds happiness through playing video games they are just as sucessful as a billionaire or a president. But, unfortunately, I want more from life than achieving a bunch of virtual goals and getting raged at over the internet by prepubescent boys. Life is hard (this phrase does not carry alot of weight when written by a spoiled 18 year old westerner, but hey, I'm entitled to feel miserable too, right?) Alright, it's not as bad as it sounds. I doubt I will come close to risking a relapse this week, since I'm busy all the time. I just felt the need to complain about my silly problems for a while. Disregard this post.

Day 16: Another daily report. (Yup, these are daily now. Why? I've found that I absolutely need to arrange my thoughts on paper; I would probably go mad without doing it. Also, I need to get 1000 words written every day anyways, why not here?) Had another thought about gaming (yeah, you can obviously tell I haven't been able to let go just yet). Whenever I'm about to deliberately relapse there's this excitement to life (let's disregard the immense feelings of guilt that also accompanies the relapse for now), and yesterday I decided to delve deeper into why that is. What I eventually realized is that life is alot better when it's "3-dimensional", and that's what gaming led to (or what it would have led to, if I had been able to control it). When you have an activity you find fun (and also competetive, I think; e.g. Climbing the ranked ladders in league, competing in a sport) and activities you find fulfilling but not necessarily instantly rewarding (studying, writing, playing an instrument), a certain type of tension is created, and this makes life a lot more exciting. You have this fun, judgment free project (for me: league) that you can look forward to, but you also have your serious, long-term stuff that's really meaningful to you. Essentially, there's two layers of life, and that makes it awesome. That is, if you're able to keep it that way. What happens to me, and other people here, I suppose, is that the fun takes over, bleeds into the time you were supposed to spend on the productive stuff. When this happens, your life isn't 3-dimensional anymore, but 2-dimensional, and this doesn't make you happy, inspite of all the fun you can have. Humans need both fun and fulfilling stuff. Now, when gaming isn't a part of my life, I find myself on the other side of the spectrum. I have all these long-term, fulfilling activities (for me: writing, drawing, playing the guitar, exercising, studying etc), but I do not have anything I do to only have fun, to relax (sure, I read, but compared to the fun gaming gave me it's kinda underwhelming). And so, despite being productive and shit all day long, I find myself unhappy, empty, kinda lacking purpose. This makes me yet again wish I was able to play in moderation, so I could achieve this balance between two dimensions, but obviously, I can't right now (I'm still nurturing the naive idea of me being able to play again some day in the future, although I'm not certain if I'm the one hoping this, or if it's because of chemical reactions in my brain)(Damnit brain, leave me alone for once). The main point is, I have to find something to do that's fun (an extra plus if it's competetive and social aswell), unless I wanna become a depressed workaholic. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know. (If anyone managed to get through this wall of text, lol. Not so sure about that.) Ramble over. A more relevant update; I picked up the Slight Edge again late last night, and began reading on a random page. I'm going to start saving money (or investing in some kind of fund (is that how you say it?)), and read 10 pages of non-fiction everyday, starting with the Slight Edge. (I have read it before, but I think it's tremendously important to get in the right mindset everday.) Off to school now, about to ace that chemistry test. (Made a bet with a friend; the one who scores the lowest owes the other one a coffee. Yeah, this is serious business.) Peace, and have a great day :9999 TLDR: Ehm. Dimensions and shit.

@Terra You speak sense, and I agree with the part about decisions, although I might argue when I make a decision based on what my addicted brain feels, it isn't really me doing it. That's really tricky though, what differs you form your brain? Isn't everything we feel simply caused by chemicals being released, and isn't everything we think just electric charges running through clusters of cells in our head? If your brain is addicted, is that addicted version of you your current reality? (Man, I miss my philosophy class :c ) Btw, if I may ask, are you a buddhist? Or hinduist?

i tried this before. After 1 year and a half of not playing I was feeling and doing great! so i decided to try some games because i belived i have the will to stop when necessary.. Did it went this way!? Ofc. Not!! everyday stayed longer and longer and without knowing it I became addicted, again! I always said to myself: if others can play and have a normal life, why can't I do the same? And here i fooled myself. The answer is: not all people are created equall: some are more sensible than others, sensible people will always tend to get addicted in places such as gaming. If you are sensible don't play games, not even a bit, not even watching streams! Replace the games with something else, like sport for your body, books for your mind and traveling for your spirit. Yeah I've thought like this too before, that maybe there's something that differentiates my video game tolerancy from others, maybe that's just the way I'm structured. But the theory the from the video I linked argues that it's not about the activity, and it's not about who you are, it's about your current circumstances (whether you are fulfilled and happy). So, in theory, if I am fulfilled and happy, I would be able to play games despite my previous addiction. I will wait until the 90 day detox is over though before I eventually try this out. (Probably won't work, since it hasn't worked ever before.)(Maybe, as I stated before, I will not even want to play then; I can't know, since I've never abstained from games that long in like nine years.)

I kind of agree with you, but I wouldn't have done so earlier in my life - I always found most parts of school boring (except swedish, where I got to shine) - but now I kinda do; the only thing required was a shift in my mindset. There's alot of stigma concerning school (atleast locally/in my social groups): if you liked school you were considered boring and dull. But honestly, what wrong is there with loving to learn new stuff? Nothing. Thanks for your input.

huh! if you explain it that way it sounds actually pretty good. i've been looking for such a replacement myself to (not school as that isnt an option right now) but i couldn't find it just yet. I hope this goes well for you (i can certainly see the potential of the whole plan :). I will keep following your journal. Sucess! Someone thought something I wrote made sense. This, my friends, is a great moment in the history of me. Jokes aside, I thank you. I don't know if there exists such a thing (an activity equivalent to gaming in the sense that it's equally fulfilling) but I will keep looking, and I hope you will too (if you figure something out, let me know).

Day 15: Checking in. Went to the library with a friend and studied for the chemistry test tomorrow. My head is about to burst open with methane and oxidation and gas laws, but we managed to get through everything the test will feature, so that felt good. When I got home I considered whether to go training or not, but decided against it, since I exercised yesterday (not a legit excuse but hey). Instead I made myself a snack and crashed on the couch, feeling really tired. After facing tempations and fighting an internal battle (which I lost) I watched some league videos (since I had some cravings. Did watching league material make the cravings go away? Surprise - no). It all made me thinking (Oh no. Brace yourselves, people). I do miss the good times gaming has given me, but I realize I can't integrate gaming into a healthy lifestyle. But why is this? Because I'm addicted. Why am I addicted? Why won't everyone who play video games (or abuse heroin, or watch porn, or... Etc) get addicted? According to these guys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg addictions do not arise because of the high level of stimulation the thing (video games, drugs) provides you with, but because it caters to a certain basic human need unfulfilled in you. If you are lacking something fundamental in your life, you are more likely to become addicted (to what doesn't really matter)(The addiction isn't the cause, but the symptom of another problem - something many people here at GQ have realized). But if you live a fulfilling life with meaningful relationships, activities you love etc. you won't become addicted. This might be why not everyone who does something potentially addicting gets addicted; either they already live a satisfying life, or atleast the specific fundamental need that the potentially addicting behavior caters to is already satisfied. So my question is: if I managed to build a meaningful existance for myself, would I be able to play video games without having to face the risk of completely losing control? This raises alot of doubt. 1. If I have a meaningful and fulfilling life, maybe I wouldn't even want to play video games. 2. Maybe the video gaming would begin to compromise my improved life, and make everything collapse and fall to ruin again. 3. Maybe my brain is already wired in a way that won't ever let me play video games (league specifically) without the dopamine production going ham and influencing every other part of my life. I just thought it was an interesting idea, because that's something I envy in others and really would like for myself; to be in control of the gaming, and not the other way around. Because right now, I could play video games and still do all the things that has to be done (school, writing, guitar, exercise). How do I know this? Since alot of the time I'm really inefficient; minutes or even hours can go by where I just space off, drift into trains of thoughts, watch crappy youtube videos/netflix series etc. If I had gaming to look forward to, I believe I could eliminate all these timekillers and get my stuff done faster and better. The only problem is ofcourse that I have no control over it, so, currently it's not an option. But maybe control can be achieved? IDK, maybe it's all wishful thinking. It was just an idea that crossed my mind and one I felt could be developed. If you have any insights or arguments against it (maybe believing me to be tremendously stupid for ever thinking such a thing), please let me know. TLDR: Playing with the thought of gaming in a healthy way. Also describing my fascinating day of studying and dozing off in my oh-so-comfortable couch. Signing out.

@Cam Adair I suppose it is, huh. (But it just sounds so boring haha). I'll focus on school for now then, and keep struggling with my creative activities on the sidelines, see if I can figure out some things. I also find it kind of perplexing (that's a word, right?) how you can be everywhere, Cam. Not saying I don't appreciate it, it's honestly awesome how many people you are helping. I know for sure I would still be sitting hunched over the computer feeling miserable day out and day in if it weren't for your videos and blogposts. Thank you.

Good job starting the journal, make sure to keep coming here to write. It's immensely helpful to put down your thoughts and feelings on paper, and get feedback from other people.

I recognize myself in what you experience; I became furious after every night spent gaming and decided to quit, and then the next day I was back at it again. But even though it seemed impossible, I'm done with gaming now. You just have to make the decision for real. When you quit, you have to mean it - and then work on improving your life, which this forum and Cam's videos exist for. Welcome aboard!

@Ironfly Thanks for your input. No I'm definitely not looking to find a single replacement activity (not as a permanent solution, atleast); in fact I have so much I want to do. But the ideal scenario would be just that; to find one thing to pour all my energy into, one thing to become a master at. That's kinda how I prefer it to be (but I can't see myself being happy if this one thing is school, although that'll have to be it for now atleast)(Yeah I'm contradicting myself again and again, deal with it) If there's something you plan dedicating your life to it would be pretty important for it to fill all necessary areas (constant growth, challenge, competetiveness, sociality). If you have to do different things to experience these four I imagine you would feel fragmented, no? Maybe not, that might just be me. Or maybe it's not the case even for me, I don't know. As I've concluded before, I'm not certain of anything (not even if anything else than myself exists - the world might just be something made up by my mind. Thanks, philosophy). I'll just keep testing stuff out and see what grants me the most happiness/fulfillment. I'm about to fall asleep at any second, something the quality of this post is showing. Sorry lol

Day 14: I've come to the weird conclusion, that for me, the most natural replacement for gaming is school. Now, before you disregard me as a lunatic, listen. School gives you a clear and defined purpose: (learn stuff and) get good grades. It tells you how to achieve this goal: study. There's always math to be done, assignments to be written, speeches to be prepared. There is also a certain level of competetiveness; theres a number of other people facing the exact same challenge as you, and I find it interesting to see who'll be better at managing the task. For someone who considers school to be insufferable and useless, all this probably sounds really silly. But I've always had quite an easy time in school, and lately, when I've been beginning to handle it in a more serious way, I've realized that I love the feeling of finishing an assignment way before its due, way before anyone else has finished it. The competetive side of me also loves the feeling of scoring a higher grade than the majority of the class, preferably higher than anyone else. The things school and gaming (atleast LoL) gives you are really similar; a defined purpose, a defined way of striving towards that purpose, a kind of competetiveness, and also a social side. Comparing this to writing and drawing, and it's completely different. When let's say I'm drawing, I have no purpose (well I do have a vague idea of what I want to be able to draw, but that barely counts), no idea of how to reach that non-existing goal, no people to socialize or compete with, since it's something I do traditionally at home. This results in me lacking motivation for doing these things, even though that's what I want to dedicate my life to. Maybe I have to figure out a way to create the previously mentioned areas in the writing and drawing, but at that I feel kinda lost. But well, I do not intend to become some school-workaholic dude, even though there's nothing inherently wrong with studying seriously. If I want to become a doctor I'll have to study like a maniac. I'm not certain of the point of this post - I'm confused and life is complicated. Atleast I've got some writing done (yay).

Welcome! Words can be so terribly insufficient, but still: I believe you can quit, for real. It sucks and its hard and the cravings may never go away completely, but you can do it. You're in good company now, atleast.

Welcome! Good job on making the decision.

@Cam Adair Thank you for your answer. I suppose I'll just have to put blind faith in the hope that it will change. I do in fact exercise quite a lot (krav maga three times a week, and gym two to three times), so that's something. In fact, Im about to leave for sparring training in 30 min (hopefully I'll get through it without losing too many teeth). About the vitamin D thing; I drink fortified oatmilk that contains 30% of the recommended intake per 100ml, I will have to look up how much that really is and if I should be supplementing. Since I'll have virtually no access to sunlight in the coming months that might be necessary. Also, I checked my coach.me statistics on a whim late last night, and I realised something: in the last 92 days I have only been gaming for 8 of them. I found that chocking, and really uplifting. Not everything is absolute shit, it seems.

Welcome to the club! It's not too late to make up for the years you spent gaming, believe me. Just make the very best out of every day

Day 13: Weekend has arrived, meaning it's time to welcome back our dear guests, the cravings. This week the show also features a couple special guests: greet mr and mrs mood swing with a big applause. Seriously though. Autumn has arrived here in Sweden, which essentially means it will now be windy, rainy, gray and dark for more than half a year. Fan-fucking-tastic. Got urges to play a completely different game than the one I've quit recently (Rome 2 Total War), probably because of the weather. It would be awesome to indulge myself in a cozy campaign in a world separated from this one. About the previously mentioned mood swings; I've been bouncing between feeling unstoppable and feeling nothing but utter despair. (The latter usually dominates.) Yesterday I studied at the local library for four hours straight then went home, crashed in the couch and watched netflix for four hours. Had no motivation or strength to do anything after that so I simply went to bed really early. Basically I'm either invincible or brittle to the point where a slight gust of wind would make me fall apart. I'm also experiencing conflicting feelings about what activities to do for enjoyment. My friends either go out drinking (which I can't see the point of. Mainly because I think it's meaningless, but also because I don't want to switch my gaming addiction for an alcohol one) or play video games. Which I want to do, but obviously can't. Or well, I can, but I won't. Hopefully. It's just that I can't imagine a world in which anything will ever be as fun as the gaming was. Is this because of the fact that my brain is messed up? WIll this change? Since I'm in last year of high school I have been, after noticing how terrifyingly fast the time passes, contemplating the future, to some degree. I thought I wanted to become an author, but the words have a tendency of not wanting to be written. Of course I won't give up on that dream at the first sight of struggle, but it made me doubt. The other option I can even think of now is becoming a doctor. I've always found school relatively easy, and so I've managed to maintain pretty good grades in spite of the gaming. (Not in a very healthy way *cough* procrastinating to the last second *cough* but it worked.) I do not have straight A's, which means this path is quite uncertain, but I'm positive I'll get into med school somewhere, although maybe not at the top universities. That is, assuming I even want to. The thought of studying for another 7-13 years sends shivers down my spine, and I would also end up with quite a debt (not as bad as in e.g. USA, but it would take a couple of years to pay off). The end result though - actually saving lives - would be pretty awesome. The conclusion: I'm not certain of anything. TLDR: I'm lost, depressed and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Also, the weather is shit. Yay. As always, I'm sorry for putting you through this mini-bible (or mini-Quran), and I hope you're having a better day (week? Life?) and better weather than I have. Signing out.

Also, could someone explain the ranking system real quick? Does your rank depend on the number of posts you write? (Refering to the "New Member, Veteran, Old Timer" thingy). If that's the case, this forum better brace itself; I'm going to be everywhere Nothing can stop me from reaching that number one rank - I will become the very best, muahah. Lame jokes aside, I'm honestly curious.

I have only read your first post yet, but it's really interesting so far. You're not alone on the "wall of text" part, I also have a (slightly disturbing) tendency to ramble on for what seems like forever - but don't be ashamed! Stick that chin out and keep mashing them buttons! About your gaming; I can only wish you luck, and ensure you it'll become easier. If you relapse, get out if it as quick as possible. Here's some cheesy inspiration from someone else who know of the struggle: "Relapse a thousand times, quit a thousand and one" Will be following :)