LostRiver

I actually made it out clean yesterday: attended an ITAA meeting, celebrated 60 days game free - read a bit then went to bed. Thanks for the reminder @Yan. I've been down the road too long , sometimes I cannot remind myself about that

AA meet on Sunday: Fail to confess to my relapse, felt terrible Met Rob: 56, with 01 year-old son. Trying to get clean to raise son. Well-travelled. Tells me to slow down, wait for about 01 year of sobriety before getting girlfriend or anything new. Plans for situations that can lead to relapse.

Short note: after spending a total of 18 hours on the phone last three days, I lost motivation and was groggy as fuck on Monday morning. I was lucky it was a slow day at work. Life got better that I'm off gaming but I'm losing the battle against my phone. Plan for tomorrow: once I got back from work, if I'm on time, I will read books. I have a list of books that I like. Then I will attend the ITAA meeting. If I'm late, I will eat quitely then join the meeting, then read the books. I will order some good food so I can eat alone and enjoy the experience: no fatty food tho. I will go straight to prayer tonight and next morning about staying clean tomorrow night because I know my plans alone are highly likely to fail. May higher power help me.

Damn, I just realize from reading synopsis of all the books that hoarding, just like any addiction, comes from a multitude of issues: trauma, childhood, etc. I guess for now the thing I can do is spending more time with them. I guess I owe them that much. Thank you so much for the help Grain. And congratulations on your great week plus congratulations on clear out stuffs on your phone 😀

My job is just to make money, my friends to keep company but stepworking and abstinence is to save my life. Lạy đấng tối cao, con trân trọng và yêu quý công việc của con. Và con sẵn sàng cố gắng hết sức để hoàn thành trách nhiệm, để hỗ trợ đồng nghiệp và khách hàng trong giới hạn cân bằng cuộc sống. Nhưng con đi làm chỉ để vừa đủ sống, còn toàn bộ thời gian và phần đời còn lại, con phải dành để chữa lành tâm hồn con và tương trợ những người cũng đau như con. Con tin đấng tối cao sẽ lo cho con và gia đình con đủ ăn đủ mặc, hạnh phúc, bình yên, tai qua nạn khỏi và con vô cùng biết ơn. (x2 everyday)

Been reading Miyamoto Musashi and Just for today (AA meditation), figured: the only reason to live life is to experience life. All the pain, all the shame, all the struggle along with all the joy, hope and peace. Even to experience addiction. Not to get rich, get laid, get famous, become powerful, influential, to rule the world or others, etc. Still need to grow. But grow to be able to deepen knowledge and ability to experience and enjoy life. This thought gave me peace. I want to live. As I grow older, I might change my mind on what life means. But today, I found my piece and I think I also found part of the way. Thank you Higher Power and fellow gamequitters for this revelation

Yeah well, my family was poor so I had to befriend my TV/ phone early in life so my parents can work. I also had acute asthma as a child so I can rarely go out Now, I have learnt to avoid doing it about 50% of the time, starting by learning that I am addicted to that blast of dopamine that eating/ overeating plus watching gaming can bring. So I started by trying to not watch anything while I eat meals through out the day But on days that I'm tired from real hard work or emotional distress or whatever, I still do it. The only other silverlining is that I sleep immediately afterwards so my screen time is cut down by a bit Since this is related to both overeating and technology/phone addiction which develops and takes roots over time, why don't you share your story with us gamequitters. There are others here who struggle the same way too.

Hi man, damn that's my vice too. The best part of my day used to be getting back from work then ordering some fatty food to gorge down while watching gaming or other stuffs on Youtube. Sometimes on the weekend I would do that all night! And I have been doing that for more than 20 years! It nearly ruined me too. Glad to have you here, keep coming back

You are not alone! I am so stuck in my room with no one to talk to and I am not even that good socially to mingle! Been going to hobby clubs and in person aa meetings looking like a wreck. What I'm saying is that I'm with you the whole way!

ITAA meet Over-responsibility leads to self-overwhelming is a thing. Our wills and our lives are now in the hands of our Higher Power. Writing can be a compulsion as well. Writing in itself cannot be a complete measure to deal with feelings Phone is my conjoined twin lol Keep hope while being thorough and fearless writing the four steps. Keep hope. Step four can mean: a list of ways I am used to beat myself up! Accountability: If I fuck up, I have to confess it at next meeting. No more rants! I shirk writing because: a. I'm tired of digging dirt about myself b. Fuck it, if all I dig up is dirt, why bother? => Will need to write good stuffs as well, but have to avoid silver-lining

Spiritual Principle If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else? - No, I think about using then go into relapse without telling anyone. Relapse leads to withdrawal, mental anguish and then more relapse. I act out by isolating myself (refusing social calls, gathers, just being alone) or judging others in my head. I have learned to resist the judgemental mind but isolation (which leads to relapse) is still my vice of choice. I wish I can tell someone - or turn to someone when I am about act out. Would that make me whiny, or boring, or sounding negative? But why the fuck would I need to worry about sounding whiny/ negative when my addiction has been KILLING me? I RATHER BE WHINY THEN DIE IN SILENT BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS TO HELP ME AND I CANNOT WITH MY OWN WILLPOWER DO THIS ON MY OWN, NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW MANY TIMES I TRY!!! As I write, I do realize that I have AA discord group, ITAA outreach calls and this journal to turn to. I really need to find an ITAA sponsor soon. - Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction? No, I do not stay in touch that much with the reality of my disease. I HAVE MISTAKEN NOT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH SOBRIETY. THE MOMENT I AM OFF GAMING, MY PHONE TOOK OVER MY LIFE. TODAY, BECAUSE I AM OFF MINDLESS BROWSING (spent days with my family, used laptop for work, planning reunion with a friend, used phone to read newspaper - with bookend) I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW COOL IT WOULD BE IF I GO OUT AND DRRINKKKKK WITH MY FRIEND. IF I KEEP FORGETTING, CROSS-ADDICTION WILL TAKE OVER AND SOON HARD DRUGS AND ALCOHOL WILL MURDER ME. The reality is that I need to work the steps everyday, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, find a sponsor and read literature. My job is just to make money, my friends to keep company but stepworking and abstinence is to save my life. Today I am 43 days without gaming 1 day without mindless browsing/ watching youtube. 0 day without porn. Will find the function to update signature, will put these days in my signature. I want a life without them. - Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

It's always cool to see victories along the way of yours or others here! By the way, someone in my family is a serious hoarder (with other issues too), but hoarding is leading to health hazzard for this person. I know it's probably part of of a complicated problem but can you point me in a general direction to help someone who hoards even thought it hurts their health? Thanks in advance

Surrender Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence? It is hard, but yeah, I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a longgg period of abstinence. Untreated addiction means unexplored personality. Something will come up that will cause me enough pain to use again. I have been using for almost 20 years. First to construct a life outside of my addictions is really really tough. 20 years in 20 years out. I have no idea what will become of me once I can step away from all of these. But to part way forever, I really don't know. Fuck Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender? No because what I want to do is not just live one day/ today clean. I want have a fullfiling life with the people I love. Incomplete surrender meaning reservations will lead to relapse which will cut recovery into pieces. Without abstinence, my world is fake. I can never lie to myself anymore about it. Plus any relapse, no matter how small, can bring on withdrawal that can last weeks or months and can bring on even more relapses.

Surrender What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore? - I am afraid that if I leave the rat race for recovery, I will become poor. I will become a loser. And I will not be able to support my family. Of course, first and foremost, I am afraid what people would think if my life is changed due to my surrender. What people would think if they know I am an addict. Might lose my good job because of it: give myself 100% to recovery = won't be able to learn and keep up in my job, leading to losing my job. - What convinces me is that I was burnt out at work. I just could not take in information anymore. I cannot learn anymore. I had so much issues piling up in my head. I lost tons of sleep. I gamed day and night. (Weird but) my mouth feels like it was gonna explode. - I did not know what it was at first but I realized that I got addicted to work. But I lost all the love, all the care in the world for myself and my family, and I let my addictions took my life so I can maintain my work. Almost kill me.

Hi Ashley, I know it is not very in line with Cam's guides but it seems that we gamers have lived so long in an environment for ourselves that is hard to get out of. Comfort zone or not, the familiarity is calming and you need to stay in that space for your kid so it is hard. I have this idea: why don't you look into higher power and praying a.k.a the first 3 steps of AA? We can't change our surroundings immediately or ever but if our "headspace" is clearer, we might be able to make some progress. Plus relying on higher power means you do not have to feel like you have to bear all the responsibility of detox from gaming, child rearing, raising a family, etc all alone. Anyway, I'm no fanatic preacher. Hope you come back and write more about your journey. We are with you all the way. Cheers!

Reservations (cont) Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt? Yes, I can't even face myself I wake up late or have a "bad" morning. When people hurt me or do not behave the way I want them to, I use. Damn I feel bad. Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt? Yes, I think that after some clean time, I will be able to just pack my step work, my prayers and all aside so I can go and get more money and opportunity, etc. I already started doing that and voila: losing sleep, relapse, heavy phone use during weekends. The jobs, plural, all of it, is just for me to get by - my step work, my comittment to AA is for me to be able to live my life. It is tough because winning/ gaming the rat race is always tempting. But I remember that it will kill me if I go on with untreated addictions. All my experiences, one day, will be useful as God/ my higher power use me to guide, to help others and thus my higher power will provide me with all I need in my life. It is so hard to let go of the hustle, but I need to turn my life over to my higher power and focus on taking care of myself, my family and helping God's kids. What reservations am I still holding on to? - I don't have to do step work everyday - I don't have to abstain - I don't need a sponsor - I still get cravings to game. I am not out of the woods yet. 12 years in 12 years out. - I can balance my life - I don't need help and don't need others - I have time and money to continue living the way I have been living. Those are the lifeblood of my family that I'm consuming to live in denial about myself. - I do not need to take care of myself/ my health/ my body. I can just keep on trucking. - I don't need hobbies. I can just hustle any think of ways to make money all day. - I DON'T NEED TO CHANGE

I downloaded a bunch of episodes of this show called - Mr Rogers Neighborhood. Very calming. Just set it to play on my laptop while I lay down. Been working so far I guess. There are so many things I want to listen to and CDs are actually more limited in my country.

My phone addiction is flaring up during holiday. I will set up my bottom lines and middle lines now, join a meeting each day for the next 2 days and pray to my higher power that I can start abstaining again. Also to any fellow gamequitters who read this: I am trying to avoid all of the activities listed below. Any advice on related activities that I should also avoid or any good solutions is deeply appreciated. Middle line: - Self-neglect/ unhealthy life style: unhealthy life/ frail body will bring pain and sore and tiredness. I use when I'm tired. And I do not want to use anymore. The voice telling me I deserve the neglect and pain is bullshit. All the mistakes I made, all the opportunities squandered, all the years wasted were because I was addicted, because I was sick. I was still wrong for making those choices, I acknowledge that I myself made conscious choice to use but I forgive myself, not even becasause I 100% deserve forgiveness and a second chance, but because I do not want to have to die for my mistakes. I do not want to lose my life because of my mistakes. I still want to live a healthy live. I want to live a healthy live. - Overeating (leads to being very full, which leads to cravings/ habit of getting absorbed into phone) - Just one more: trying to read/ search/ watch just one more will bring on the worst - binges. Curiousity is ok. Not when it comes to using tech - Resting with my phone: instead of just rest, I often try to use for a multitude of reasons. - Use my phone as soon as I get home/ as soon as I wake up/ before bed (past supposed bed time): I DO NOT EVER WANT "THE BEST PAST OF MY DAY" TO BE RUSHING MY JOB, MAKING A MESS, THEN COME HOME, GETTING GLUED TO MY PHONE/ GAMES, SLEEP LATE THEN REPEAT. I'm going to clean my room, turn it into a three-star hotel room then pick up cool hobbies to actually make my free time the better part of my day. - Entertaining with internet/ phone use. This is it. This is the line I want to set. Just like with video games, I know I can never play again without going into relapse and getting caught in my addiction. The sentiment of "entertainment" is gone for me. How I feel when I use is something else, and can never truly be entertainment ever again. I need to abstain. I will set my top lines like this: Only use tech/ phone to study and solve life's problems. And entertainment/ challenges/ social (yep, even social media or activities via tech/phone)/ escape are off limits Bottom line: - Compulsive use: wanting to use without knowing why or the need just appear as an extremely strong and fast drive to grab and use - Reality escaping with internet/ phone use: trying to avoid pain/ powerlessness/ negative emotions with phone use - Emotional guide-dogging: reading/watching curated content in order to feel a certain way or avoid feeling a certain way - Absorption: getting into other things is fine. Not for watching stuffs on my phone: I get drawn into it 100%. First, it is my escape, then entertainment, then it holds me there because it can cater to all my emotional needs. Of course, that is dependency and addiction. Getting into things as a habit is healthy, but not Internet/ Tech/ my phone. - Binges: absorption is the state of mind, binge is the action. Read non-stop, watch non-stop, search non-stop, without book ending. Physical limit is upwwards from 30 minutes. - Sadly enough, the only peaceful moments that I have over the last few years were when I just lay there and enjoy contents on my phone. But I know such peace is just me escaping the real peace into another addiction. The activity to avoid here is: relaxing/ finding peace with via phone/ tech use. Including watching movies. Can never actually learn anything useful in the long run from documentaries. Will listen to podcasts again after I can abstain. Right now, podcasts just remind me that my phone is within reach to grab and use.

ITAA meet IMPORTANT: LEARN TO ACCEPT AND LOVE SELF. MY LIFE IS UNMANAGABLE AND I AM POWERLESS. BUT I AM SO, MY LIFE IS SO BECAUSE I AM AFFLICTED WITH A DISEASE. Will add to prayer. Very tough to remember some days

Reservations (cont) Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why? I still think I can still associate with people who played and used tech like I did. I still stay at the place that I use most: my room. Can't get rid of my phone. I am afraid that if I show up to work with an old Nokia walkie talkie, people will know I am an addict. I still associate with those people because they are the only friends I have. I still stay here because I have no place to go. Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt? I would need to use to face a lot of things: my mistakes, my loneliness, my powerlessness over my wasted past.

Reservations Have I accepted the full measure of my disease? No, I have not seen, thought about or accept the full measure of my disease. I still think that some sort of plan, some sort of strategy can help me work the steps while getting more money and a better job. In fact, I cannot control my phone use at all. Two days of the weekend, my total phone time was about 10 hours. Fuck all the rationale. I means I only exist for about half of my weekends. The other half: I devote, I donate, I feed and sacrifice to my addiction. With all the praying, with all the step work, I still resort to using when faced with powerlessness. I am still paranoid, full of self-conscious thoughts and fears. BUT WHERE IN ALL OF THE FUCKING LITERATURE DOES IT SAY I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN AA? OR IN THE 12 STEPS? PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER THAN MEEEEEEEE!

IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK: Once I have completed the 12 steps and have been staying abstinent for a time (years), it is true that I must keep on performing the 12 steps and services to the fellowship or anyone in need? I want to. I really do. But do service and 12 steps need to be the number one priority in my life till the day I die? And why?

Offline AA meeting Old guy Bruce: 02 things that took him a long long time to take in: One, when under the influence, he was a bad person (assult with knife, jail, many divorces,etc) but Two, he was sick. His addictions made him sick and made him do bad things. It sounds ordinary for me hearing him say it. Until I talked to another guy Steward: he saw through me and he asked if I can accept myself now. No. 7 weeks clean, found some good interest, making progress at work and I still am self-conscious, a lot of things pain me. Powerlessness still drives me into relapse/ compulsive phone use. I needed to somehow accept that all the bad things I did, I did while my mind was occupied by my addictions and it is not entirely my fault. Or something like so. I do not know. I do not know.

Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress? I am still "a guy that people walk on eggshells around", quick to anger, mean, cold but messed up on the inside. Yes, I did do drugs and act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings. My drug was overeating, binge game/ phone use, walk up late around 11AM and with all the food in my stomache. There was almost a high to it. I use when I feel overwhelmed, self-conscious, etc. Mostly I use out of habit, to curve boredom, to hide pain. But most of all: to numb the pain, the shame of my powerlessness over my lost years, opportunities, falling behind, hurting others, failing my parents and so on.

Had an exciting day but used my phone for 5 hours. I was bored a lot/ too much. Had a good moment ruined by cravings: I was on professional trip, in a hotel room watching the rain. Rain stops, sun comes out. I watch the clear sky for a while. Got bored then grab my phone. When I'm done, I realized the sun has set. I missed a beautiful moment just because I thought it was not "fun" enough. Same thing goes for my life I guess. Damn.