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Theresa

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Posts posted by Theresa

  1. Day 44

    I am very happy to have quit gaming. After being sent home from college senior year last March because of the pandemic, gaming was my alternative to accepting this. When I was hoping to quit, one question I always asked was, will I be a happier person? Yes, deciding to act rather than withdraw into gaming has combatted many of the anxieties or fears I had. So far I have been able to do a much better job at work, cultivate better relationships, and become more financially stable. I have found making a general daily schedule to be very helpful. It helps fill those time voids especially after work when I would resort to gaming and it also gives me small goals to accomplish, satisfying that desire for achieving or concrete progress. I have felt triggered because of stress and resorted to watching a YouTube video of the game update, but I have no intention of downloading the game ever again. Gaming addiction really promotes a crippling worldview. It changes your perception of reality. You perceive accomplishment and perhaps some societal customs through these artificial experiences where there is no congruity between the character development in game and character development in real life. It’s a disservice to your real talents and to your unique person in real life. I’m really grateful for this community. Knowing that there really are others who are also struggling and fighting the same addiction gives me so much hope and inspiration. No one is alone in this journey! Hope you’re all well and rooting for you!

    • Like 3
  2. 12 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

    Oh you're welcome, glad you're here too. Yeah I think it'll be fine either way. As long as I make it through licensure that'll probably be good enough. I don't think I'll need the PsyD for income. It would just be for the prestige of being the only person in my family to get past the MA level and to potentially be a teacher at certain schools that require a PhD. What's your motivation to do the PsyD instead of just an MA? The debt is a pain in the butt. However, I think it's worth it to have a job that pays better and you (hopefully) enjoy.

    @TheNewMe2.0 yes, becoming the first doctor in the family would be awesome. I won’t say that thought didn’t cross my mind. With the PsyD one can have a private practice and teach, no? I’m in contact with some admissions counselors to get clarity on that. My dream is to get a 50% scholarship they offer.

     

    Day 21

    Work has been crazy this week I feel sorta restless. I’ve been trying to stay on top of journaling and completing the tasks I schedule in my planner, but often I only get 1 or 2 done. I gave up on the ice shower because I’m weak and kept hyperventilating lmao, but reading and jogging have been splendid.
    I haven’t really been craving which is good but I miss the online friends....
    anyway hope you’re all well and I’m rooting for you as always! 

     

     

     

    • Like 1
  3. 17 minutes ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

    Positive: Still doing the nomas thing day 18

    I was struggling last night a bit in part due to the reichian therapy practice I did yesterday. I decided to discontinue that because honestly it was making me hyper aroused and I couldn't stay calm like usual so I didn't like that at all. It was eroding my reservoirs of self control. I'm experiencing worse acne since getting on crutches and not exercising so I'm gonna appeal to my derm for help today. I really hope they have something else for me that can help or I'm gonna be looking a little homely till I can get off the crutches again.

    Good news came back from the MRI. My shoulder and knee aren't damaged although there is some thickening of the cartilage and something else he said about the shoulder. So I'm going to physical therapy today. I hope they can fix me or I'm gonna be paralyzed the rest of my life.

    Mom didn't make breakfast today. Probably because I didn't finish my food yesterday so there is half a breakfast sitting in the fridge still. I guess it's alrigth I'll finish it. As long as she makes it again tomorrow., Really hoping I recover soon so I can walk again and make my own food. Being dependent on people is so much worse overall than being more independent. They're going to see what they can do for my wrist. My meditation is going okay, I'm up to an hour a day now so that's good. As long as my somnolence lasts I would like to eventually get up to 1.5 hours a day but that's the limit. I may even need to keep it at 1hr so I have time to cook. But if and when the somnolence goes away I'd like to get up to maybe 2 hours a day or even 3. I wonder if I'm being too greedy and out of balance seeking for such a high level of practice. I don't plan on doing more than an hour of yoga a day to practice balance and prevent injury. I was thinking 6 days a week 1hr a day would be my ideal goal for yoga.

    I am still holding onto the hope that one day my conditions will clear up and I'll be able to socialize more and find a wife and even friends. Join a yoga studio and get certified as a teacher perhaps. Work 30 hours a week with clients and get my license. Making really good money. Once I have a lot of money maybe I could go back for my PsyD so I could teach at the universities in my state. I'd teach my four interventions if I could fit all that into a class. Idk though. Maybe just the license and becoming a supervisor would be enough for me. I'm not even that sure about what I'd teach atm.

    I smiled at my blue blanket

    I accomplished preparing to communicate with my doctors

    I am grateful for blue blanket, communication, preparation, knee, rehab, circles, white, red, tan, crutches, armpits

    I wish us all the best

    I think that’s wise to quit that type of meditation especially if it’s cracking into a goal or discipline that you have been succeeding in. Two contrary things both can’t be good for you.
    Glad the MRI went well. What happened that you sustained such an injury? yes, I’m sure it must be frustrating to be dependent but honestly at least you have someone who can help you out a bit.
    You give great practical advice and seem very intuitive which I think are excellent factors in counseling. All the best with discerning.

     

     

    • Like 1
  4. Thanks for the support and encouragement @TheNewMe2.0. I really appreciate your being here. Yah I’ll experiment with this and see what happens. All the best with your student debt. I’m sure it’s a lot and the idea of grad school debt makes me feel sick, but I’m sure over time you’ll come out even and you’ll find your Ma useful and fulfilling.

    • Like 1
  5. You’re being honest with yourself for recognizing your limitations and tendencies.  Sometimes it’s easy to set goals that are too high or not realistic at the time, and that’s ok. I totally understand the pressure of time logging. You feel more inclined to veg because there is this constant urgency because of the plan you have made for yourself. Have you heard of the monk manual? 

  6. It sounds like you’re stressed with school, understandably. Stress can definitely cause triggers. I’m not sure what your interests are but maybe you can find some sort of hobby that is relaxing. Not to undermine your good efforts in studying, but everyone needs to recreate at some time after serious work. Way to go!

    • Like 2
  7. 5 hours ago, Jason70 said:

     

     

    Day 57

    Days w/o gaming: 57

    Day satisfactory level: 6/10

    Mediocre day, but excited for the second half. I also thought of something about me pushing off my dreams. It might be the trauma I have from being brutally bullied as a kid. I was never one of the popular ones, i was seen as weird honestly because I liked comics and games instead of playing football and baseball. The result of the bullying, (this was before my addiction went out of hand) caused me to be introverted, more than I already was and believe that if someone was commenting on something I did it would always be negative criticism instead of constructive. I know the two types exist but I think that thinking carried to today. It also might be that I'm afraid of facing myself and understand that I will be shitty at something when I do it for the first time. 
     

    In order to get over this, I'm going to turn to you guys and submit one part of my book bi monthly. This will give me time to work on it and make edits as well as getting over the criticism (self and from others bit)

    Have a good day

    Jason

    Sorry to hear about the bullying. Of course you didn’t deserve it and it wasn’t your fault, but sometimes people just suck and who knows what insecurities they have such that they need to project it onto someone else.
    I’m really excited to read your book! That’s awesome and really cool you’re writing one. 

    • Like 1
  8. Day 19

    Im going to post less, but everything has been going pretty well. I feel so much more alert and less anxious with this detox so far. Going for a jog before and after work really helps with the tension and stress of the day. 
    I was talking with some friends about video games and one friend shared how there was this mother who was really tired because she was raising the kids all day and she asked her husband to hold the baby for like 10 minutes so she could change into pajamas or whatever; and he responded, “No! I’m in the middle of something!” I recognized myself in that story, rejecting family and friends who really needed help so that I could play my video game; and this is another motivator. I don’t want to be that person anymore or ever again. I don’t want to be so absorbed in a hobby or entertainment that it takes priority over immediate family or friends. I don’t want any relationships to be wrecked because I need to level up or “help” my “friends” in game. I also feel responsible and guilty for being and accomplice to all the others who I played online with. Some had kids other were students etc. but we were all logging onto this communal addiction which indeed deprived each of us from cultivating relationships right there before us in reality.
    I’m reading this book which proposes the theory of the “slight edge.” Basically one’s every day actions, especially the small repetitive ones, over an extended period of time can be compounded into success or failure. If one performs an action that is beneficial to him in some way and continues to do so, his growth and success will increase slowly but as more time passes, the increase in his growth will be exponential, like compound interest. The same applies to bad habits, the outcome being years of compounded negative action. I like this theory because it appeals to that longevity which character development and habit building evoke.  Change doesn’t happen overnight, but by doing a single good action such as reading 10 pages every day or doing one thing that you’re afraid of every day, after 3 years, the results will be phenomenal.
    Anyway those are my latest thoughts. I hope you’re all well and rooting for you as always!

     

     

    • Like 1
  9. 4 hours ago, Mr. Ém said:

    Hey!

    It's been 8 more days without games and I still feel good. However, in the last three days, I'm trying to quit watching youtube videos. I don't watch gaming related stuff, but I still waste a lot of time watching that I don't even care about afterwards. I feel a bit bored when I don't watch videos. 

    Any ideas to help me cut Youtube?

    Days without gaming: 26

    Way to go, keep it up! 
    Regarding YouTube, if you want to cut it completely, then delete it or use an app blocker like Freedom. I recommend uninstalling it though. Getting a planner and timestamping your day the night before is really helpful. Not only can you be more productive but also you can fill in all those downtimes, when you might watch YouTube, with other activities, hobbies, or tasks.

    • Like 1
  10. 15 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

    @TheresaThanks. Breakfast is nice, I hope the knee gets better soon too.

    Positive: Made it through the night nomas 14

    So I had a lot of thoughts about sex last night. I was trying to stop but just couldn't stop the thoughts. I managed not to masturbate though. So that was good. I think on days I dont visualize yoga I have less willpower to resist sexually immoral thoughts. So gonna try to stick with my plan of yoga 6 days a week. I saw a somewhat explicit image in teh anime google search yesterday while looking for stuff to draw. Now I'm kind of not trying to draw today idk. Maybe just do it with clients for art therapy only. I just don't want anymore temptation in my life. I Want to be as pure as reasonably possible. I think by biblical standards any thought of sex is immoral even if it's thoughts of sex with your wife. Especially because they lead to masturbation. Anyways. I guess I'm gonna try to just watch TV eat meditate visualize yoga and hopefully have a chill night. No working out or drawing.

    I smiled at lamp

    I accomplished getting thru night nomas

    I am grateful for peeps, trees, leaves, blue, sky, clouds, creation, destruction, love, meditation,

    God bless

    Good job pulling through all the temptations. The way internet works these days it’s going to be pretty much impossible to avoid seeing anything explicit. I wouldn’t give up drawing because of that. Maybe draw something in front of you or copy from a book? Don’t let it a bad experience that’s accidental to your intentions prevent you from doing something that you enjoy.

    • Like 2
  11. Day 17

    Today was great. No cravings and I spent most of the day outside shooting clay pigeons with a 12 gage, canoing, and mucking out a horse paddock. I am so grateful to be in the fresh air. I didn’t do meditation or exercise today but I have been able to read more. Hope you’re all well and rooting for you!

    • Like 1
  12. Day 16. Missed writing yesterday. I have been feeling down this week and missed a couple days of this 30 day challenge, journaling, and exercising. I think, however, that I have found new solutions. Last night some friends crashed the apartment and we watched a movie, had ciders, and chatted. I would have hands down turned down an event like this previously and gamed instead, but I think this experience was just as satisfying. Unfortunately today I scrolled through some Reddit posts on the game I used to play. I was really craving that game. After I swam a mile and I felt loads better and the cravings were gone. What I have learned and actually experienced is that socializing and exercise really fulfill some needs that gaming did. This realization definitely isn’t a novel idea but it sure as hec feels like it after finding fulfillment in a virtual reality for the past however long. Hope you’re well and rooting for you as always.

    • Like 3
  13. 10 minutes ago, Zeno said:

    Especially if it's a batch of ice cream you make yourself. Hobby idea?

    Aha! Actually made 6 gallons of homemade ice cream yesterday. 

    • Like 3
  14. On 4/9/2021 at 10:26 AM, TheNewMe2.0 said:

    You can go at your own pace and do what's comfy for you with the meditating. It's big time that you have a consistent practice, good for you. Take care of yourself and your triggers. We all want to see you here for a good long time with us. Yeah at my old job my client would smoke CBD which is like weed and play video games while I talked with him. It was super sketchy because I'm sober now and used to smoke weed. So I was like double triggered. I had to stop seeing him eventually, but that was because he wouldn't show up for sessions. I'm really glad I quit my old job for that reason, they basically needed me to play games with clients which I couldn't do so it was a bad fit. The new job some of my clients play games while i talk to them but I don't have to watch the game and ask them to mute it too. So it's not so bad. But they still talk to me about what they're doing in minecraft or whatever. I requested no more children to get away from the gaming so it's only like 2 clients like that. 'We can't be sugar cookies' hehe.

    So I'm not dealing with anything as difficult as you're describing now with the coworker but I have before. I recommend everytime you are about to see them close your eyes and take a breath then open them. It really helps me deal with difficult stuff and I do it before I check email. You really do have to endure that nonsense and still not game though which can be difficult at first but make it 30 days and it'll become easier because it'll be a good habit by then.

    Well I’m glad you found patients who are a little more cooperative. Double triggered, have to say honestly that must have sucked. It must be difficult to counsel them if their attention is divided?
    I’ll keep trying that approach before encountering the coworker. It definitely is calming if nothing else. Thanks for all the advice.

    • Like 1
  15. On 4/9/2021 at 3:19 AM, WorkInProgress said:

    Hey @Theresa,

    good that you could stop yourself.It payed off that you deleted everything in the past and set-up this barrier.

    It is fantastic that you recognize the pattern. Now you should think about how you want to handle a similar situation in the future. Because these emotional reactions and stresses will occur again and again. But you can choose how you want to react to these feelings. It helps if you prepared a strategy beforehand to not fall into old patterns again.

    Ideas to handle the situation in a healthy way: Call a friend, go for a jog, listen to some loud music, journal about your emotions, eat a batch of ice cream, do any combination of this suggestions 😉

    I am rooting for you too!

    @WorkInProgress thanks so much for your support and suggestions. I think thats a good idea to have a plan for the future or EAP for real life. I’ll work in that.  Thanks for saying that eating a batch of ice cream is a healthy way to handle the situation. That made my day and also cracked me up😊 

  16. 7 hours ago, Zeno said:

    The Key Log

    More than a century ago, lumberjacks in the Great North Woods of the upper Midwest in the United States, would cut down huge pine trees, strip them of their branches, and send them floating down rivers in huge "timber rafts" to lumber mills downstream. (This is the context in which the legends of Paul Bunyan arose, the giant woodsman with his trusty giant blue ox, Babe.)

    Once in a while, logs would get snagged on some obstacle, more logs would get snagged on them, and so on. Without swift action by the log drivers (or "river pigs"), logs would continue to snag until the river was blocked by massive tangle of tree trunks: a logjam.

    These were extremely dangerous, as you could imagine, to anyone just downstream. Just imagine a jumbled mass of tree trunks suddenly breaking loose and rushing toward you . . .

    The log drivers would be on the lookout for the formation of a jam and try to release the snagged timber before the jam became too large. They would quickly try to identify the "key log", the one piece of timber that, if removed - by main force or with dynamite if necessary - would set the timber raft moving again.

    In other contexts, I've seen 'key log' used metaphorically for the one thing you would need to change to bring about a cascade of further changes in a positive direction. The mid-twentieth-century forester and writer Aldo Leopold appeals to that metaphor in his hope for the development of a "land ethic" in the final pages of A Sand County Almanac. (If you have any interest in environmental values and environmental policy, that's a book you should read as soon as possible.)

    I was thinking about this again, this morning, as a way of summing up a line of thinking that developed all through the day, yesterday. Through my adult life, I have developed a number of bad habits, many of them stemming from a sometimes overt tension between my marriage and my professional aspirations, many of them associated with the coming of the Internet and the always-online fire-hose of comforting distraction it could provide. As my marriage disintegrated and I found myself trapped in the wreckage of it, I turned more and more to electronic distraction just to numb myself to the pain and the shame of it.

    The result seems like a massive jumble of bad habits and the traces of bad decisions, along with a massive jumble of stuff in my household, all of which needs to be cleared away if I am to move forward into whatever is left of my life on this Earth.

    It seemed to me that I should start with gaming.

    I must have the eye and the instincts of a "river pig", though, as I think gaming was the key log. Reconstructing my history in this journal and in my own private thoughts, after I'd set aside gaming and gotten rid of my graphics card, and talking with my kids over dinner about our shared history in this household, has allowed all the old bad habits to come to light so I could name their names and let them go.

    I thought I was setting out to quit gaming, to free up some time and maybe restore some of my ability to pay attention. I didn't realize I would be resetting my entire way of being in the world.

    That analogy was really cool. Thats great you are able to have reflected more upon the roots and causes that perhaps are more underlying to your gaming experience. It makes me think of digging deeper into my own life to find that “key log.” Thank you for sharing and all the best.

    • Like 1
  17. 3 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

    @RealworlderI tried using a brace but like after an hour or so with it on the knee just started hurting really intensely so I took it off. Idk maybe I could like try a different one. I'll see about messaging my dr about it. Hehe it definitely takes some dilligence to maintain a meditation practice. I've been increasing it by 5 minutes a week and my goal is 1hr. So starting monday I'll incresase to 1hr. I am still drawing. Idk if I'll continue with it. Sometimes the pictures of anime girls are like too arousing and it makes me concerned I'm going to relapse on masturbation. But I also enjoy drawing and it's a nice hobby. I tried watched demon slayer and liked it but I can't watch it because of my disability. Pretty much no new shows unless something changes. I have been in a lying down position to elevate my knee. That could be it.

    Positive: Breakfast was good

    My mom made me a breakfast quesadilla. So it was really easy to eat.  I didn't have to scoop around with my fork like usual. So that was nice. I uh accidentally put some weight on my right leg yesterday when I was getting up to use the bathroom. And then it started hurting really bad. And it hasn't really stopped hurting except for a bit while I Was asleep. I'm pretty concerned about it. I'm gonna be doing my best not to let it touch the ground when I'm getting up from now on. Even though I'm getting no exercise. I feel like I'm pretty beat. Just mentally exhausted from being in pain on and off throughout the day and like crutching around. And just the stress of not knowing if my injuries are going to recover. If I'll ever be able to do Yoga again with my physical body. I looked up how to draw bodies with geometrical shapes. And I think I've improved at drawing bodies. I'm doing the circle and like lines method for drawing heads. But that's still more of a work in progress. The heads are coming out a lot rounder now that I'm doing that though. I'm kind of hungry for improvement. I noticed a trend where I just always want more. Like with the meditation I used to do 1hr a day so I guess it's reasonable that I want to get back to that level. But like I recite bible verses and it started with just two at night. But I eventually did more and everytime I set a new record I'd get so excited and feel accomplished. And then I kept pushing for more. Now I'm at 280 verses. There's a lot of paraphrase along with exact verses of course, but it's the most I've ever recited from memory. My moms kind of the same way. She just never stops pushing to make more money. She'll work like 10+ hour days 7 days a week. And that's just what she wants to do really. She's even happy and positive about it often. I guess I got that same sort of spirit but I apply it to my self care/hobbies. When it comes to work I'm kind of like that too but I have to temper that spirit with recognizing that I am at risk for burnout so I need to not work too much and just like make enough time for self care you know. Super long post for the weekend, maybe I could use some like indentation/paragraphs.

    I smiled at sketchbook

    I accomplished bearing the discomfort

    I am grateful for anime, bearing with, bible, verse, meditation, recitation, liquids, solids, chemistry and math.

    God bless

     

    Glad you enjoyed breakfast. It’s amazing how small things can make a big difference. Hope you knee recovery keeps up.

    • Like 2
  18. 1 hour ago, WhoCares said:

    @Amphibian220 @Zeno @Theresa @WorkInProgress @TheNewMe2.0 I’m sorry, but I gave up. Can’t do this anymore. Every time I’m just hurting myself more and more. I have no reasons to live, the only thing that gives me pleasure is Overwatch. My existence is a mistake. 

    You can do this. You always have a choice regardless of how you feel or the circumstances you encounter. It’s definitely hurting you more to play since you’re avoiding confronting something in your life. Saying your existence is a mistake is not only false but also a cop-out. As the others have said, give the world a chance to benefit from your talents and gifts. Online games are designed to make you addicted and to make everything in life feel boring. It’s a slow recovery just like making any new habit is and it’s difficult. Ultimately, the decision is yours as it’s your life. All of us here are struggling like you and with you and we also rooting for you.

    • Like 4