NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Pochatok
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Posts posted by Pochatok
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Oopsies! A whole three days w/out any accountability. Do not want to step back into such apathy again.
2/14-15: missed 2/16: awaking: no alarm- waking up towards 7, past sunrise, but get out quickly exercising: excellent- missed the morning session, but had a profound afternoon journaling: enough- missed morning, but caught up on afternoon and evening sessions planning: enough- but, my apathy made all planning meaningless connecting: enough- chatted w/ friends near and far, and made an effort to reach deeper empathy passion: not enough- apathy learning: not enough- missed on spanish, didn't hit that many books; however, educated myself on plenty of important topics: more nuanced perspectives on russia-ukraine war reading: not enough- minimum evening reading, no books DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - a lot of mindless "learning" that really is just unguided exposure to news. not helpful - tv shows- only meaningful when i approach them w/ intent, not w/ escapist itchingoh also, i did try a new cinnamon rolls recipe- more learning!
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19 hours ago, sniper said:
2. Yeah I was, im just human after all, but instead of crying ill try to make best use of whatever I have.
Oh, I phrased my question poorly- apologies! What I meant is, how do you know that your appearance was the reason she acted impatiently/rushed?
Also yes- love that attitude! We're all doing our best 🙂
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19 hours ago, Dark said:
I destroyed realationship when i played vidiogames .... and notised it only now. This why we had a honest talk and i addmited not seeing farrer from my computer screen. I was so blind its crazy. She calls and writes me daily and i dont know even why? I just need to focus to become a better person right now. Always used a sport| learning as a new focus to not bring thoughts
What do you mean by "not bring thoughts" and that "she calls and writes daily"? Are you using learning as a method of avoidance from internal unease, and is your now-friend still chatting w/ you? For the 1st question, a concern; for the second- am just curious.
Oh, since we're on relationships: gotta pitch you "Just Break Up", the relationship advice podcast that changed my life (not an understatement- I have never had relationships as wonderful as I have now, and it would have never happened w/out the podcast).
Po
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Imo, before attempting another failure-prone task (aka full of learning), I would work through having a more positive outlook on yourself and your (cap)abilities. Without a strong sense of confidence (aka less insecure), it is so, so hard to move through the 90-day detox.
I was only able to quit games once I no longer was looking down upon myself.
You definitely can and will succeed regardless, but it was a much more difficult road for me- attempting to do my best when I saw myself as lesser.
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9 hours ago, sniper said:
Compared to someone like me who doesnt know what a "girlfriend" is you are doing great!
Imo, this is a self-deprecating compliment: you bring yourself down to bring someone else up. How do you see compliments like that yourself?
9 hours ago, sniper said:Just because I am short and not looking very well she only gave me 30min to search
Curious, how did you know if was because you're short/not confining yourself to contemporary beauty standards? That seems really harsch.
Po
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9 hours ago, Dark said:
Don't wanna go to personal
Hey, feel free to share more- at the moment, I can only empathize, and would love to be more supportive- why did you (both) decide to end your romantic relationship? What do you mean by "friends"?
But also, no pressure- I know these ain't easy things to feel and share. I'm glad you're still finding gratitude in this uneasy relationship shift.
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Yet another day. Feeling more strings attached to my yesterday's self- struggling to aspire onwards. Let's work through that once I am done w/ this!
ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: on time! alarm hit off, I took a couple minutes but got up quickly exercising: enough- morning movement, and then some walking troughout the day journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in planning: not enough- a lot of time lost throughout the day to a sense of uncertainty connecting: enough- responded to some voice messages, met a few people focus session (FS) 1: very brief, in the evening FS2: n/a FS3: n/a FS4: n/a learning - morning: on russian feminist movements- quite fascinating - spanish: missed! reading-1 - evening: reading-2 - n/a DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - lots of zoning out - lots of "let's relax and do nothing" - skin picking less than avg., but still there - some media forgetfullness- but not much!-
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Yet another day, grateful to be alive and breathing
ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: didn't sleep in, but turned the alarm off- I keep going to bed far later than I would like to, dragging out the evening. I need to prioritize mornings more. They're far more critical than evenings. If I go to bed on time, I'm able to achieve so much more and feel brighter, happier. exercising: plenty- a prolonged leg workout, with some more walking/running during the day journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in planning: some- failed to plan out a few very important tasks, but otherwise a productive, focused day connecting: minimum- stayed rather isolated, and did not talk w/ many folks overall focus session (FS) 1: animated plenty- pretty happy w/ how determined I was FS2: animated some more! got the 2nd idea started, yay FS3: n/a FS4: n/a learning - morning: on my homeland, geopolitics, and comlicated history of revolutions and coups in eastern european region - afternoon: 2 online learning sessions on current global wars, plus cop city in atlanta webinar reading-1 - morning: on climate justice reading-2 - evening: on climate justice, some more DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - lots of picking - social media- especially discord - some rabbit hole dives- wanting to suddenly search something, and then spiraling for 10-20 minutes on tangents - very weak desire for sexualization- did not listen, but still was distracted by. -
Ashamed of taking far too long today to get "real" work in. I've been learning and working through a myriad of important tasks all day, but only now, 11 hours after getting out of bed, am I beginning the work on my passions.
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A new day, a new me- yet again!
ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: slept in slightly exercising: enough- good morning session + brief evening gym visit journaling: a bit in the morning, but not sufficient planning: insufficient again, though I was able to fill my evening w/ purpose connecting: didn't meet new people, didn't quite connect w/ those around me focus session (FS) 1: pushed all the way to evening, but some good work made- was able to write a story + 1st animated shot FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - early morning: podcast on discipline, purpose, meaning- no new ideas, but if felt nice to hear them rephrased by a different voice - early morning: short video on importance of emotional intelligence; felt good to have my values reaffirmed, as I already practice much of what the video preached - morning: learned more about demographics of different us states- the more i know, the more i am confused... - evening: watched an essay on importance of 2d animation, was quite meaningful to see that reading-1 - fiction: flipped through some pages of known work; need to start a new one asap- the current one is dragging me out! reading-2 - none DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - after work, struggled to get back in focus and resolved to pornography; first relapse in 3-ish weeks, but i want to do better than that! - plenty of distractions for news/video game development. i don't want to indulge in this- only engage in meaningful content -
58 minutes ago, Ace92 said:
advice they think might be useful. In turn though, I should also be happy for other people
I try to combine both- when I encounter someone I'm jealous of, if the situation is appropriate, I try to follow-up my admiration/celebration of their successes with a "can I ask a question"? And if they're up for sharing some of the wisdom that got them to where they are, that in itself helps me feel happier for them- because I see not only the result, but the work and luck that got them here.
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9 hours ago, Ace92 said:
However, some of the jealousy still lingers because I get into this mindset where I think I am not good enough because they have x and I don't have x, or that I am behind.
Hey! I'd say that this sense of jealousy can be quite productive- I get that from friends all the time. They share how AMAZING their day has been, and I'm over here, thinking about nothing but sleep.
First thing, I share how I feel to those friends from a place of admiration: rather than saying "I'm jealous of...", I say "I admire that ___". Jealousy and admiration are quite close- imo, jealousy = admiration + insecurity.
Second, I tend to look deeper into what exactly I'm feeling insecure about- knowing that they are having an AMAZING day, what is bothering me? Is it that my day isn't well, and I'm grieving? Or that I feel like my day cannot be as good, and I'm feeling "less than"? Or that something particular that happened for them today is quite desirable?
9 hours ago, Ace92 said:I am not good enough
I would keep sitting with this? Where does your sense of worth comes from? Who assigns it to you? Where would you want your sense of self worth to come from?
many of those questions i was only able to answer once i accepted my uniqueness, that i'm weird and different and cannot (and don't really want to) fit 90% of societal expectations. i suggest working through that, too- there are many resources, from therapy to podcasts on self-acceptance/self-exploration. DM me if you want any suggestions!
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Another day, another me! How'd I do yesterday?
ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: on time! exercising: plenty- walked around the city, up hill, and had a thorough lower body exercise journaling: plenty- throuhgout the day planning: insufficient- evening was very slow and unfocused as I had not set any aspirations for it connecting: plenty, met some people, presented myself strongly focus session (FS) 1: none, no time again- though could have allocated time in the morning/evening! FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - breakfast: learned about alexathymia- not to self-diagnose, but the connections between emotional openess and childhood isolation are helpful! reading-1 - non-fiction: while on the train, read through good 20-30 pages of a critique essay. hard to follow, but well-structured thought reading-2 - fiction: a bit before bed, though re-reading what I already know, rather than moving into new works DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - plenty of picking my skin - distraction w/ small tasks rather than large aspirations - "learning" that was really me flying all over the place, searching for entertainment-
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Still lagging and distracted, but approaching a far more grounded lifestyle!
last week in one sentence: disorganized aspirationsCHANGE IN FORMAT
So, I am now moving to a personal blog site (here!) for weekly updates, and this will be a more casual daily tracker. I'm 80% done with setting up my "new lifestyle", the aspiration toward which can be found in the blog. So, let's check the daily (I will be updating this every morning): ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: late, quick exercising: enough, but a lot of sitting down journaling: minimum in the morning, didn't reflect much throughout the day planning: plenty. proud of how much I was able to put together for my future vision connecting: minimum, responded to a couple friends but so much more i wish i had the time to share focus session (FS) 1: none today, no time FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - at lunch: watched "stalking for love" and "the lesbian gaze" video essays. i am grateful for being granted awareness of the unquestioned, quiet, but incredibly harmful discourse that media perpetrates, and for being provided better alternatives- for both my own behaviors, and media choices - spanish: none today, but downloaded/purchased necessary learning material, yay! reading-1 - spanish: n/a - non-fiction: 30min session- learning about limitations of current environmental movements reading-2 - fiction: n/a DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - newsbrowsing- got lost in memes and things that are interesting, but not important.blocked the news site - eating poorly- very narrow nutrients; no veggies or protein. missing veggies, meats, dairy, softer foods - picking my face a lot at the end of the day- mistake, mistake! quit it. get rid of my mirror - overall passivity- i am observant, but not proactive. my communication skills are close to exceptional, but my presence is lacking. i am not the leader i want to be. -
On 2/7/2024 at 4:20 AM, sniper said:
Actually I will be honest now, I will feel like shit for saying this for months and probably delete it but anyway **** it. My real problem is that im short man 5'5, I hate everyone looking down at me thats it. I hate that my feet dont even reach the ground for bench press (yes no leg ***** drive, only in one gym other gyms have lower bench table) I hate that Im taken as a joke even if I try hard and get pushed away everywhere like im an insect of this world. Maybe I will become one, and infect them with all the diseased and make them empty their life saving trying to cure themselves hahahahaha
After studying for 23 years and getting a high paying job nothing matter because I am still ***** short
I know all of you would immediately ignore me since I am short and not reply and probably kick me out but its okay, Just wait till I reach 70kg. Ill join boxing then. Ill ride my bike at 2nd gear and make everyone honk at me and laugh at me and kick me, scream at me, hate me ahahahaha. That is fun love watching cars go slowly behind me when I am in the middle riding in second gear.
One car decided to dash me again and again. Obviously I couldnt do anything, I am short and not very strong but it will change in future when I reach 70kg. When they dash me again then I will throw my bike on their ***** mirror and make a scene and make everyone hate me hahahahaha.
Maybe I will go to prison after all this, I need to be strong for that, wait why am I going to prison?? After I am bullied for being short I go to prison?? I hope another jurassic meteor comes down and takes out all the humans.
Also what about girlfriend and stuff? I gave up on it a long time ago. In fact I used to be bullied by girls itself just because they were tall and had even taller boyfriends.
Hey!
I'm sorry your height has been used against you in such dehumanizing ways. Your height doesn't define you, and neither is it a disadvantage in any way.
In high school, I was stuck in a similar mindset- I'd work out 7 days a week, non-stop, to make up for the sources of my social insecurities- poor knowledge of English, social anxiety, acne, etc. . But none of that helped- like video games, it was another way to escape, rather than unpack my insecurities.
Confidence can only be built-up by addressing insecurities. To "make up" for an insecurity by building up confidence in another area of your lifestyle is a dangerous path.
I was very lucky to have my insecurities stripped away when I entered college- people loved me for who I was, and I began to accept myself as is, too. I hope you can find a community like that for yourself- those who don't see your height as making you any less of a person. Cuz that's the truth, and I'm sorry other people around you are so embedded in their own insecurities that they have a need to bring you down.
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18 hours ago, Dark said:
i started saying that because i am dark i have a big Willie
I am concerned that you're setting yourself up for a more insidious type of bullying by embracing another set of stereotypes about men of color. I hope you'll be able to find a space/community where you don't need to exchange racialized bullying for sexual stereotyping.
I'm sorry that your peers feel threatened by your skin color to an extent that causes them to bully you. Yes, none of this proves who you are, but it does limit how other people see you, which is damn awful.
Was bullied for my dark[er] skin tone as well- but I also was very lucky to have my parents move to a place where my skintone became the average and nobody cared anymore.
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21 hours ago, Dark said:
Chapter 3: Exercies - Press and Arms FACT Found a HACK - so i am a poor student that doesnt have a lot of money right now. But! most gyms offer 1 day for free so i jjust skip from gym to gym i could go for gyms for FREE and when i finally have money i can select the best one!
Have you thought of doing calisthenics/weight-free exercises? I've never had a gym membership, just exercise outdoors/in my room.
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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I just became a dad today!
Wow, that's a huge change in your (and more than yours!) life- excited for you to navigate it!!!!
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Ashamed of waking up slowly, and not truly getting intentional with my day until 1-2hours after waking up. I want to live fully, not in haze. Tomorrow, will make sure to put my alarm away from the bed. Have also purchased a separate alarm clock, to not need the phone by bed.
Will make sure to set intention first think in the morning by keeping sticky notes next to the bed, to write on as soon as I'm awake.
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Ahem, I got a great resource for you!
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Time management has been a struggle. But I'm committed to building better, slowly.
last week in one sentence: motivational rollercoasterLet's Reflect:
On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:the anxiety of having a meeting scheduled tomorrow, of knowing that I won't have all the time in the day.
This is gone. I am back towards being preoccupied by the broader movements of life, of others' wellbeing, and of my own. It feels good to feel urgency from sensing the world change, the present slip away, rather than from watching the clock.
On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:I still want to fly- but it's not something that will happen; I either leap into the sky now, or never in particular.
Been exercising connecting w/ my past and future self more frequently. My current pathway towards exceptionality seems to be compassion and grief + future self imagining + presence + determination. When those four are intertwined, I am at my highest.
Other than that, it has been a strong yet disorienting week. I am a lot more determined, yet action has been stalling (as with this journal entry...). I am passionate, yet habits are not being built. I am courageous, yet insecurities leak through. I am determined to build better, higher, but I am missing a solid, determined plant and am wallowing in shallow waters as a result.
So, let's plan!
Let's set goals!
aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years):
On 1/23/2024 at 2:08 PM, Pochatok said:-
🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc..
- international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (supporting the visioning of radically different futures) worldburning (supporting the visioning of destruction of current infrastructures of power)
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international influence with my education efforts- fostering communities and leaders that do the worldbuilding and worldburning (which I envision)
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🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements
- all of my work empowers people to take direct action- I set others' spirit on fire
- my work globally influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures
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my work globally challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc.
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⭐ 3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far
- generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius) that will be recognized on an international level (to be featured in podcasts, host talks, etc.)
- unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts
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develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my direct action- spread my influence globally, on local levels
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🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values.
- bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living
- guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities
- enable myself to work for free- live off of donations/mutual aid systems
- minimize isolated work to worldburning/building- all else is communal, not independent
- bloom a thorough habit network that empowers me to sustainably do the impossible, routinely
The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits:
- just one: rebuild a habit network that sets me on fire. This month, that has been brought to shambles, and I am yet to rebuild. I am happy with my spirit, but frustrated with the efforts and their tempo.
goals (50days- by March):
- Journal daily
- Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day
- Meditate 20mins/day
- Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion
- stop picking my skin
- be up by, not with sunrise
✅ done already:
- local service -> 4 different organizations, yay
- reading daily -> at least an hour/day, yay
- keeping a tracker -> daily habit
- reflecting here every week -> w/ delays, but consistent🔺 need effort:
- meditating -> weekly goal of 7 sessions
- worldbuilding -> weekly goal of 2 animations
- writing -> weekly goal of 2 essays
- daily journaling -> journaling 7 times🏹 ambitions:
- write a paragraph every day for my book
- read 3 books/month
- take 30 photos/monthSo, no more concrete goals- strong systems that will amount to surplus of achievements, I think. It seems that creating concrete deadlines for truly grand projects is just unrealistic. Let things fall into place on their own, with no expectation- but create systems that will GURANTEE creation of grand projects within 100 days.
With this, onwards!
Thank you to all who read my entries, and who share their own thinkfeelings on this forum- you inspire me every day.
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🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc..
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On 1/27/2024 at 11:49 AM, Dark said:
It`s okay i guess... I wasn`t lucky enough to have my questions and it kiked me out of a rythm for a while but now i am back an will try to solve consistent. BEst part is that even i had a really big urge to go play league I resisted so i have more time now to recover and reprepare to exam
So glad you're looking at it through the perspective of learning! I'm glad that you can acknowledge, too, that some of what made this exam difficult was out of your control- you did your best! Best of luck preparing, I hope that your efforts will be rewarded next time!
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On 1/29/2024 at 4:40 AM, Dark said:
~ Replased games with DND? Is it better?
Would you want to expand on this? What are your concerns for DND?
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Feeling ashamed of accepting "feeling tired" and not cultivating ambition/desire to do better. Yesterday, most of my day was spent in that hazy state of "relaxed". Today, already an hour lost to this feeling.
To work through this, I am re-structuring my routine: begin the day w/ something deeply inspiring, not grief-provoking. Grief is key to my passion, but it can be immobilizing.
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My Daily Report
in Daily Journals
Posted
disagree! kind people (imo, the people i actually would want to date) will not give a damn about how fit i am. they'll like me because i am a good person- and same for you! i think that by going to dates when you're "fit", you're setting yourself up for forming relationships w/ people who will primarily value you for your appearance, and not your personality.
yes, being conventionally attractive helps w/ breaking the ice, but it's absolutely not a roadblock towards romantic relationships.