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Arthur

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Everything posted by Arthur

  1. @Phoenixking I had the same problem with hate towards my father. 2 and a half years ago I moved away from him after an argument in which he insulted me and my mother. Even 2 month away I was still having dreams in which I hurt or killed him in total rage. So I spent the next month trying to learn what forgiveness is and how can I forgive him, and then I met him face to face and said I forgive everything and it was a turning point in our relationship for the better.
  2. It feels good reading your words of support. I'm a proud guy so I was never a pushover. Also, In general I don't care what other people think of my life choices. I was always an oddity and I learned how to handle being thought of as such. I have my own goals, my own dreams and ideals and when others find it silly I learned not to give it any attention. But it's different with friends. I don't insist they share my dreams or ideals, but they have to respect them and not be an obstacle for them. I noticed a while ago I shouldn't consider those guys my close friends, moments such as this just prove me right. Anyways guys, I'll be back tomorrow evening with my journal. I made a plan for the next 10 days, so we will see how it will turn out.
  3. Yeah, he is 26 years old. It's immature. I like everything you said about the drinking culture. It's a very un-creative and lazy way of spending time, not to mention it is damaging to your brain. I initially got into that sort of lifestyle because I was insanely interested in people, their quirks, virtues, dreams and faults - I just wanted to get to know them - so bars just seemed to be a place to do it. But after a while I found myself wasting my life drinking beer 2-3 nights a week (my ex was also a big drinker), and I didn't like it at all.
  4. If you keep completely away from games - painful withdrawals will subside after 2 weeks, trust me. Just keep at it.
  5. I peel the avocado and cut it in half and season it with A LOT of salt, black pepper and Cayenne pepper. Eggs I do the way Gordon Ramsey does, but simple fried eggs would do just fine. Don't worry about overseasoning the avocado, it's almost impossible because it's taste is really neutral without it.
  6. Welcome to the forum @Haymitch. I wish you best of luck on your 90 days detox.
  7. I love it as well. Now that I can take more time on this forum, I'll be back writing in that style. It makes me cognizant of the way I spend my time.
  8. @Ikar I just remembered the context, and it's pretty bad. The guy was making an over-exaggerated half-joking comment that he will be "slashing heretics with the sword", in the manner of edge-lords from 4chan who write "deus vult". I know he is often a childish, attention-seeking edgelord so I didn't take offense and just waved towards him and said with a smile: "Here is a heretic. Try your best." And then he said it "oh yeah... I forgot you are a fucking Hindu..." while facepalming. His emphasis on the word "fucking" is what got under my skin. It's a conversation you would expect happening between multicultural prison buddies, lol. But I want more class from my friends. You are correct, this is a good example. Irreverence, cynicism and negativity of the group made me disassociate, as well as our was of spending time together - which amounts to drinking a lot of beer in bars, surrounded by clouds of smoke. (on that note - I didn't drink alcohol while they had 4 beers)
  9. Entry 13: quick recap of last 2 days Both days I cooked dinner for my family (new recipes, they loved the dishes). I went to a bar with Steven and our friends, it was all together interesting. We made some plans to go on a 1-day trip a month from now (hiking, right up my ally). The only issue was that one of the guys jokingly said "oh yeah, I forgot you are a fucking hindu", and I took offense. I said that it's out of the line, and today in the morning chatted a bit with them, saying that I will not tolerate that type of disparaging language. They said that they understand, so this shouldn't happen again. But in the end, It's worse when I neglect my spirituality than when other's curse or disparage it. So, I had a long and focused meditation and I let this situation in the past. Tomorrow I'll be going to the gym, and finally get to translating. Daily gratitude: Grateful for the peace I found in meditation.
  10. Congratulations on passing your exam! I'll pray for better times for you and your family.
  11. Entry 12: Yesterday I took it easy, slept longer, watched entertainment, hanged out with my brother. I am well rested now. Edit: deleted most of my post, don't want to waste your time on nonsense. Daily gratitude: grateful for having a good night sleep.
  12. Hey @royal panda, it's normal to have days of struggle. You are still in your first month, pls be patient and kind towards yourself. I totally understand your predicament. My family isn't much into consumerism but they don't live healthy and they are really negative people with difficult personalities so I understand in my own way what you are going through. I'm not sure if this will make sense to you - but I think love wins. I think the best way to struggle through negative influences on you is to remind yourself every morning that you love those people, but that you also love yourself and it's ok to go your own way. Yes, they are consumers, yes they are a bad influence, but you are your own person and you need to find strength to simply say no and proceed with your day. Don't fight them, and don't explain yourself. Just say "this is what I choose for myself" and that's it. Try to isolate yourself from them as much as possible, at least when they are playing games or whatever. In the early days of your detox it's normal to find yourself bored with nothing to do, and that's ok. Boredom isn't that bad, it really isn't. Life is a marathon, things need time. It's totally fine if even the next couple months are boring, it will pass sooner than you think and things will become interesting for sure. Your brain needs to readjust, it needs to detox. Sending love your way, and I wish you good luck
  13. @Icandothis So glad to have you cheering along :) makes me happy Entry 11: evaluation of the recent events and plans for things to come I am so glad I made this decision to pursue a double major. My failure to pass all exams this fall might prove to be a blessing in the long run. But, before I start thinking about the future, I need to make few remarks on the last few months: Leaving that behind, in the next 5 months I have a lot to do, lots of plans, lots of goals: I need to pass those 5 exams I didn't manage to pass this fall (for reference, I passed 6 exams in 20ish days of intense study, so it's about the same amount of work) This semester, I'll only have 2 lectures a week, one on Monday and another on Friday, so only 2 new exams to pass (7 in total) I need to get a part time job, probably bartending on the weekends get a driving licence (It's fine if I don't do this in the next 5 months, but I need to save enough money to pay for it) start my youtube project get into jiu-jitsu and back to gym I need to translate another chapter of the book until November This is a lot, but I'm not interested in socializing, it's more than doable with proper planning. I have it sketched out already but I won't bother you with the details in advance. This next week I have to: translate the chapter (I estimate it will take me 5 days, every morning I plan to translate for 4 hours) get back to gym (3 workouts a week) need to clean the basement with my father Other than that, I am getting back to reading holy scriptures, meditating and listening the LotR audiobook (I'm at the 1/4th of the second book) This is pretty simple week. I know it will turn out fine. Daily gratitude: Grateful for mantra meditation, it's the single most important thing alongside this forum that facilitated positive changes in my life
  14. I did it guys. Passed the last exam. Dead tired, but happy. @TheNewMe2.0 I applied. :) I'll try to get some sleep now.
  15. I haven't taken a bath for at least 15 years, always just taking quick showers. Probably because I am tall so I would need a longer bath to be more comfortable. I somewhat cringe at the stereotypical "woman taking a bubble bath while drinking wine" trope, I see it a lot on instagram, but I'll forgive you @Icandothis if you are that woman :P
  16. Quick update: I had to work a few things out with administration over the course of the last few days, and I got some confirmation over e-mail that I done everything required. Tomorrow, after the exam (that I'll almost certainly pass), I'll have to apply for the graduate program. New administration of my uni had made an unreasonably short deadline for whatever reason, so a lot of us will have to turn documentations the last day of the deadline. I am having difficulties focusing on study for the last exam. I feel so tired. Too much exposure to stress and andrenaline over the last 2 weeks. I feel like I'll be able to sleep for 2 days straight. I took a break now, and I've been reminding myself of the last few lines of my favorite poem and. I'll pull through. Rudyard Kipling - If [...] If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
  17. @Icandothis Thank you :) Sending love and infinity energy to you as well. I have you in my prayers. @TheNewMe2.0 I am glad as well, beyond glad! @royal panda thank you! It's been a long time I felt an itch to write poetry Entry 10: I'm in my last couple of days of exams, only 1 more exam left (tomorrow morning). Yesterday I finally solved the problem with that professor who wasn't answering. I turned to his colleagues and, yeah, he seems to be going through difficult moments in life... One of the professors stepped in and looked at my analysis and said its somewhere between an A and a B (she was really satisfied with it, yet she felt I needed to incorporate more authors to get a wider scope), I accepted the B because I don't have time for perfectionism. I am blessed. Professors were really helpful, lenient and understanding. Maybe they saw I really care for my education despite my previous shortcomings. All in all, it seems I'll be able to get my silver lining and go for a double major, but I won't celebrate before everything is well and done. Daily gratitude: Grateful for so much. Especially the attitude of my professors. Grateful for my health as well.
  18. I am currently in love with life, it is invigorating being under time constraints and having set goals which cannot be delayed yet are realistically doable and interesting. This reminds me of that time I was extremely productive and passionate - that lifestyle was an outcome of myself taking a lot of extra obligations and activities, and it put me in a situation in which I needed to push myself at least 5-6 days a week if I wanted to keep up. Guys, I'm feeling it. I feel the same I did the first time I quit games. My brain has readjusted, I enjoy working on my future more than I do indulging in sense gratification. After passing these couple of exams my anxiety is diminished and I feel a lot lighter. Every time I take a book and start studying I feel pleasure, joy, focus. I feel back on track. This is exactly what I hoped for when I came here a couple of months ago. Coupled with a lot of maturing I went through, it is safe to say this is the best I felt in a loong, loong, loong time. I just decided to write a poem, let's see how it turns out. (45 minutes later) Here it is, I love it: Naive Youngling I have seen in my father's strut a dimming shade light's abate a dwindle a deading a drought People called it maturity Youngling I have heard in my mother's words a trembling sigh hope's recluse a shudder a shrinking mouth well shut People called it acceptance No.
  19. Entry 9: A lazy day. I'm still having difficulties getting into contact with this one professor. Around 10 days ago he answered my mail and asked to meet up this week, but when I proposed Wednesday and Friday he didn't reply. I later proposed this coming Monday or Tuesday and he still didn't reply. I sent another mail in desperation today so maybe he will answer. I even asked other professors to contact him, hopefully this doesn't piss him off. Apparently he has a bad family situation going on, close family member is sick, so I am afraid that my "pushiness" will backfire, but i don't have other choice. Spent most of it in my bed looking at entertainment. Didn't even meditate. (I'll do it now, even though it's bed time) Last half an hour i have been planing out my study for the next 2 days I'll need to borrow some books in the morning My spiritual practice has been slipping. Similar to how my physical workouts were disrupted by exams at the beginning of the summer, I'm now straying away, not giving god and scriptures enough attention, I bet I skipped meditation a couple of days and I didn't even notice. First priority after 23rd of this month is to get back to working out and reading scriptures. A couple of days with pure focus on both should be a good building block. In October, I'll have to be really deliberate with my time and choices. I have 2 goals for October - jiu-jitsu and a half-time job.
  20. Entry 8: Again writing my entry in the middle of the day. Early morning exams destabilized my bio-rhythm. Passed another exam, got a C, still I am satisfied - done what I could with the time I had left. Exam literature was actually really, really good (semiotics), I will read those papers in greater detail when i get the chance. It seems likely I'll be able to turn my plan into reality. I need to push myself for another week and that's it. I hope everything turns up well. I am excited to get back to working out, my muscles are atrophying, but it is what it is. Priorities. The more that I study - I am more excited about studying. This has been probably the most intensive reading schedule I ever had. My mind is in on creative overload, I'm writing notes on the side all the time, writing down references, quotes, it's so satisfying. Need to get some rest now. Daily gratitude: grateful for getting my full intellectual curiosity back. I think I talked about how I hope it will wake in my previous journal, well, it did. Edit: Usually I am researching and reading at least something, and I am driven with various motivators and habits to do so. But curiosity I didn't feel for a while, I often feel compelled to learn about something out of an inner crave for it, like a need that hurts, which is not fun. Curiosity is fun.
  21. Entry 7: 2nd part of yesterday: All went as I wanted. First I took a nap And rest was spent on reading and taking notes Went to sleep in the midnight Today: Got out of bed: 04:30 continued with study had short breaks drank coffee and tea, had breakfast had a half-hour bike ride back to study in 12:15 had an exam was over before 13:00, got an A again chilled with my brother for an hour here I am, writing this journal plan to: have a nap meditate continue with study maybe workout a bit if I won't be too tired Seems like professors are glad I'm finally passing exams. I missed getting substantive positive reinforcements. I need achievements. This helps with my anxiety. Daily gratitude: Grateful for having all of you guys. Grateful for this forum.
  22. Arthur

    Mks' Journal

    I had a similar experience. We cannot change the past. We can try to find a silver lining, but that can be achieved up to a point. I'm against freudian psychoanalysis which thinks that getting to the "root" trauma will heal a person. Maybe for some things it works... but most of all, I think that people heal when they are given love, or they find love in themselves and do their best to change. This process of "healing" is often a symptom - you can fall into this infinite loop of "I need to get better", "what's the problem with me REALLY?", et cetera. Instead of doing small things to make adjustments. Here I am talking about psychological problems, not psychiatric. I realized one day that it was normal that I had depression and anxiety considering what I did with my life and how passive I've become. I stopped overthinking and started making small steps, which usually are just "normal" things a functional person would do - like limiting or quitting addictions and vices, and doing what was on the schedule. Nice! It's funny how we addicts almost never can get that rush we used to have while gaming, but we still stick with the same behaviour because it's "easy".
  23. Arthur

    Mks' Journal

    I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me. My brother plays still it makes me remember that games made me forget. It's like - yes, I do have 1000 goals i want and kind of need to work on in my life - but that doesn't even cross my mind cuz - "heeey, gotta do some grinding for my mats, later we are raiding and I better be prepared with pots for the gang" and my day is put into autopilot. About leaving your past behind, I know the feeling. I'm slowly getting past it because I am making some progress with my university, so new challenges make it seem like past doesn't matter (and it doesn't - I don't care much for highschool anymore, and once it was everything to me).
  24. @TheNewMe2.0 Thank you Er**2.0! I guess I'll call you 2.0 from now on :P
  25. Entry 6: last couple of days To recap - Last couple of days I didn't study as much as I could, but on the other hand I feel like I studied as much as it was necessary. Also, I remembered what I did first couple of days of the month. I read the book about comparative mythology, listened to a couple of chapters of LotR audiobook and went biking to my favorite park, meditated there, and I was loving life. I cooked a couple of dinners, cleaned and did usual gargamel stuff. Also, that first exam ended up being an A as I thought it will. The professor even said that she hopes I continue with my education in literature; which feels redemptive. Today: Got out of bed: 06:30 made coffee, washed dishes studied for 2 hours ate breakfast took a shower studied for an hour meditated little study, little rest, little study, little rest (last 3 hours before exam I was basically trying to suffer through the w8ing) asked myself random questions about the subjects, made short effective answers to serve as reminders ate pizza with my brother had an exam (14:00 - until 14:30) got an A, professor said we (me and another colleague) made him really happy. Basically, he has been examining since 12:00 and it seems like we are first students who were well prepared. rested a bit and checked an essay I wrote now I'm writing this entry. I need to study, another exam is tomorrow morning and it will require some intensive reading so I'll try to have a nap Time wasted: 00:00 I can't wait to get my confidence back. I remember when I only had positive stage fright, but would always trust that I'll do well. Now, it's always self-doubt and underestimation. This is a positive step in a right direction, I guess. Daily gratitude: Grateful for all the positive feedback.
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