Merdoc_Rowboat

Day 22: 3/31/16 Didn't get to my journal yesterday because I took an extra shift at work. I was super tired so I went to bed. However, yesterday I finally got my bolts installed in my car! So now I can put a hardtop on it. So today after work I met up with an acquaintance of mine who drives a miata as well. His is the first generation miata, where mine is the second. He has a hardtop, so we put it on my car and took it for a drive, the corners of my folding top were scraping against the back of it while we were driving so anytime I hit a bump, it made a really annoying squeaking sound. Plus the top didn't really reduce any noise that the car had while driving highway speeds. Unfortunately I had to pass on that particular top. It was an aftermarket top so it wasn't quite up to snuff with an original top. Hopefully I can find an OEM top soon. I may just end up replacing the vinyl top that I have, it may be cheaper and I can focus on getting a new job. After that maybe I'll get a hardtop for the winter months. Meanwhile I could take care of the top that I have so it won't dry rot and get holes in it. I'm going to see my girlfriend this weekend. I think we're getting back to normal after this rather dramatic weekend. Goals for tomorrow: - Be ready to leave directly for Rachel's house right after work. - Morning workout. (IMPORTANT) So I exited the page before posting this on thursday, I come back today (monday) and it's still here waiting. Great design @Cam Adair! haha

I've had that happen to me, I'll be dreaming about gaming and I'll feel horrible because I've failed to complete the detox, but I won't wake up right away so I just keep gaming and feeling horrible! Kind of a nightmare actually! haha

Thanks for the advice Cam, it's been helpful.

Day 20: 3/29/16 It's been some kind of day. I was so anxious yesterday I took one of my mom's anxiety pills. It really helped me relax, but the next morning I slept through all of my alarms and was super late for work. I was tired and sluggish all day, and the shift went by super fast. I originally wanted to work out but I was so tired I went home and slept for about an hour and a half. I still feel tired, I think I'm depressed from all the stress of my relationship right now. Last night Rachel and I talked some more and I tried to tell her how wrong I was to insinuate that she was fat, but I could not console her she would not have it. she made me feel like such an evil human being, like I shattered her self-esteem on purpose. I eventually seemed to let her get some catharsis by telling me that I did not know what I was talking about and that she is beautiful no matter what I say. That seemed to make her feel better but today is more of the same, she's laying in bed and doing nothing because shes depressed and hates herself. She'll call me on the phone and well sit in silence because neither of us have anything to say and small talk isn't helpful or satisfying either. She needs therapy, I'm just going to come out and say it. She needs professional help, her depression and anxiety has her completely under it's spell and she can't snap out of it on her own, try as I might I can't make her feel better. And I really want to play videogames. Like really bad. It sucks so much not being able to. I just have to read, practice music, or just go to bed because gaming would just be amazing right now, I would feel so much better. I sound like a fucking drug addict right now. I guess I am in a way. So in other news, I was never able to get that hardtop from the guy on craigslist. The day before I was supposed to go get it he texts me and says "sorry man, someone came by and bought it" So I was back to square one, then on Saturday I was on the way down the road and I saw a miata in this used car sales place that had a hardtop on it. I thought maybe they'll sell that to me. So I called yesterday and asked and they said that Id need to speak with the owner so maybe if I just show up there with cash in hand, they'll let me buy it from them. So goals for tomorrow.... - Replace the all thread I got from Lowe's. - Work out - (Optional) If opportunity presents itself, go get the hardtop. - Comment on 5 forum posts. I haven't been keeping up lately due to stress. Later guys.

@WorkInProgress you're a real pal. What you say really resonates with me. I appreciate your support in this time. Thank you very much. Things are already looking up. We've been speaking and I told her that she needed to tell me that she can only feel beautiful when she tells herself that she is beautiful. and she kind of let me have it. I think it was cathartic for her and I hope she sees that what she needs more than anything is to tell herself that she is beautiful. It may be a while before my words carry any weight. Thanks mario.

Day 19: 3/28/2016 I haven't really been active lately, I've been pretty busy with stuff. I really came here to say I fucked up bad. Real bad. I haven't relapsed, but I fear I will if this whole situation doesn't resolve itself... I inadvertently insinuated that my girlfriend is fat. This, unbeknownst to me has now escalated into a relationship death sentence. Rachel has some pretty extreme issues. Depression, anxiety you name it. I seem to have broken her with this. No matter how I apologize, try to console her or anything else she cannot dig herself out of this pit of despair that she's in. She has a lot of self loathing issues, she needs someone to build her up, and the one person that she listened to has just made her worst nightmares a reality, I've completely destroyed her self esteem, and I feel like such a selfish, shallow, evil asshole. The last thing I said to her was that she has to be the one to tell herself that she is beautiful, because no matter what anyone else says, if you can't love yourself then nobody telling you you're beautiful is going to erase this self loathing. I'm in a dark place. Gaming would really help right now.

W.I.P. always bringing the wisdom

@Cam Adair I'm happy to help! I haven't been keeping up with my journals for the past couple days. I worked an extra shift yesterday and the days before that I don't remember so much, I know I went to the gym so there's that at least. Day 15: 3/24/16 Worked a double yesterday so despite my morning wake up yoga sequence I was pretty tired at work today. My girlfriend got accepted to the university near me, but after she found that out she discovered that there was no way that she was going to be able to pay for it. So she's going to have to go to a smaller university elsewhere. She's pretty depressed about that. I've been communicating with some other miata owners with hardtops to sell and I've arranged a meeting on Saturday with one of them. I'm probably going to have a new top soon! only problem is there is a special set of bolts I need but don't have in order to attach the top to my car. So I'm trying to get my hands on some around here before Saturday. but if all else fails I could probably borrow my dads car which should have ample room to store the top, I hope... Otherwise I'm going to have to cancel my meeting with the owner of the hardtop, and with my luck he'll sell it by the time I get the bolts. I've had a lot of cravings to game the past couple days. Fortunately, I've kept myself pretty busy with the gym, work, and trying to get this hardtop situation taken care of. I miss gaming a lot. It's been difficult but I'm fifteen days and it hasn't evolved past anything other than "This kinda sucks" but I'm moving my life in a positive direction. I'm doing a lot of things I wouldn't have done had I not quit gaming. I wouldn't be researching tops on craigslist, talking to people arranging a meeting. I'd just be content gaming away, not even trying to get these things that I need to do done, and I do need to get this top thing done. The hole in my soft top is getting bigger and duct tape can only do so much. After this hardtop venture, next on the list is getting a new job. Wish me luck. Goals for tomorrow: - FIND FRANKENSTEIN BOLTS Rachel is supposed to be coming to spend the weekend here tomorrow so that's the only goal I can really set for myself, the rest of my time will be spent with her. As always, thanks for reading guys!

Day 12: 3/21/16 Snoozed through my alarms, but woke up early enough to shave, make myself some breakfast and do some yoga research. I found a short video that is basically a 15 minute routine that you do when you wake up, and supposedly it gives you a nice energy boost for your morning, I might try that tomorrow. I exchanged a few texts with a guy on craigslist about a hardtop for my convertible. He's got another buyer that I'm competing with. Hopefully that buyer will drop out so I can swoop it up. I need a hardtop because I've got a big tear in my soft top from not taking proper care of it. Yeah the thing is 16 years old but before I got my hands on it, the car was sitting in a garage most of the time. The garage at my house is occupied so my car has to stay outside, and I didn't think to apply the special top cleaner regularly, so it got real dirty and dry-rotted and now it has a hole so it's time for me to get a hardtop. I'm pretty excited about it. since I do so much driving on the highway maybe it wont be so loud inside that I have to wear headphones so I can fully enjoy my music; plus It'll be easier to wash, and it will add extra value to the car so when it comes time to sell it, I can get more for it. After work, I got together with my friend and we went to the gym and had a mad-decent shoulder workout, #deltsforlife. He got The Division, a new game that came out that before I quit gaming, I was looking forward to. He and his neighbor were playing when I came into his house. It made me sad to see them playing videogames, but I put my headphones in and went to the game quitter forums to read a few posts until he finished the mission he was doing so we could go work out. After we got back he started playing again so I said my goodbyes and went home. Had tacos for dinner. Sat with mom and dad and talked about jobs and life and stuff. (They could tell I was having a tough time with the detox) I practiced my guitar for a good bit, plugged my phone into my computer speakers and made a drum loop on my drum machine app and went to town for a few minutes. After dinner I cleaned my gun and talked with my girlfriend. She's sick with stomach issues so she went to bed early. Goals Completed for today: - Practiced guitar for a good bit. - went to the gym with my friend. - spoke with dad about the hardtop deal - left 5 of 5 comments on the forums - found a morning yoga routine for extra energy - plan to meditate before bed. Goals for tomorrow: - Turn in change at the bank - Work out after work with or without friend - Try the morning yoga routine - Continue The Scorch Trials or begin rereading Fight Club - Learn a new song on guitar - Comment on 3 forum posts - Meditate I'm really giving myself a lot to do tomorrow. See you guys then.

I'm pretty new to the detox, I haven't really been scheduling myself as much as I have just setting daily goals for myself. Little stuff that I can easily accomplish in a days time. I'm not setting long term goals just yet, but perhaps those will come. For now I just set an outline for the following day as I finish my daily journal, and then do my best to complete them. That's just what I do to motivate myself. Best of luck to you friend! We're here for you.

That's definitely something to be grateful for. When my gf and I argue, I usually end up beating myself up and it derails the whole point of the argument. It's something I'm working on.

Bill Murray is amazing is he not? Love that man. Another movie that he and Scarlett Johansen are in called "Lost in Translation" is really good too. Very artsy. It'll take a few watches to really absorb it all.

Good idea. I'm not really into the book I have right now. Think I'll hit up my local library to see what they have. Most times when I get urges I'll open up respawn and read through it, but I got caught shopping for a new hardtop for my car. So I figured something out thanks W.I.P.!

Thank you! it was a lot of fun. My ping pong skills didn't translate very well but I'm getting the hang of it. Gonna arrange for me and a buddy to go play at some point. I think it'll be a good way to spend time after work during the week.

Day 10: 3/19/19 Woke up early to go to Rachel's niece's and nephew's little league games. I discovered how interesting it is to watch little league baseball games. Those kids don't have a care in the world, they just do what the coaches tell them and run around dogpiling the ball. After that we went and picked up some David Bowie vinyl at 2nd and Charles. If you don't know what that is it's kind of books a million, but they also have comics, music, games and a lot of other amazing things. They also buy used stuff so you can get store credit. I bought her David Bowie's last album "Blackstar" I have a copy myself so I got the previous record "The Next Day" We went home and I helped her with her side business making bath bombs, which are basically these thingies you throw in the bath tub and they get all fizzy, they have all sorts of natural good stuff in them like essential oil, coconut oil, lavender. Day 11: 3/20/16 I've got to start sleeping more. Especially when I have to get up at 5:30 am to go to drive to hours home so I can get to work on time. I nearly drove off the road falling asleep at the wheel. I changed lanes twice in my sleep! No more. Work was fine, wasn't horribly busy. The owner was doing his little team building routine. The man treats us like kindergartners. I'm too tired to go into it but it's humiliating and frankly insulting. After work my mom, my sister and myself went and played a game of tennis. It was great. I've had some heavy urges to game today. I was just tired after work and I just wanted to chill and play for a little while to relax, but I knew that I couldn't. Goals for tomorrow: - Research yoga in the morning before work. - Speak with dad about the hardtop situation. - Work out with friend. - Practice playing guitar for 30-60 min. - Meditate. - Comment on 5 forum posts. See you guys

The struggle is real man. I would recommend speaking plainly to your friend. Up front and honest about your feelings, firm but not aggressive. Tell him how his behavior affects you and perhaps you and he can work out a system that benefits everyone! Best of luck friend.

Bruce Lee is simply the greatest human.

That's so awesome! Do you know what kind of car you're going to get? I'm not a mechanic or anything but I enjoy talking about cars, and I'm curious!

Day 8: 3/17/16 I'm gonna do a two day journal today. I slept in after doing a two-a-day at the gym the day before. Had a honey nut cheerio breakfast and headed out to work. My manager still seems to resent me for refusing to work next weekend. Hardly speaking to me. I've been working my ass off there for three years and the one time I say "no" they give the cold shoulder. Since I have been there so long, I've become friends with a lot of the regulars. An older couple (who's grandson used to work there) chat a lot with me when they come in. They always ask me how I am and what's going on in my life. So I told them about the detox I was doing and a bit of the science behind gaming addiction. As always they were very supportive of my efforts to better myself and live a more full life. I was able to get someone to work for me friday so that I could have more time to spend with my Rachel. She was super stoked about it so I took a wee nap and headed down the road to meet up with her at the local brewery for St. Patricks Day. (Also Happy St. Patricks Day everyone!) Afterward we got donuts from Krispy Kreme, and food from checkers before heading home to pass out while watching netflix. Goals completed today: - Got Friday Off! Goals I failed to complete: - Forgot to pack my lunch. I was procrastinating and by the time I left for work I was already late. That's one thing I need to work on. In the morning just getting things done and heading out the door as early as possible. Day 9: 3/18/16 Slept in quite a bit this morning. We had a few errands to run in town but we had a nice lunch, and mailed some packages. Rachel's doing some chores so I thought I'd take the opportunity to catch up on my journals. Rachel said that I should do something involving videogames for a living. It's something I've thought of doing before. I don't think I want to design games, but I can talk about them all day: what makes them unique, how they're designed, how they compare to other games. Kind of like a journalist. Gaming is a multi-billion dollar industry now, and that kind of thing needs people spreading news and information about it. It's something I think I could be happy doing, and it's a career. not just this thing I escape to to avoid life. This hasn't changed my resolve to complete the detox, but it does give me something to think about. If I can have a job bringing people information about something they want, that can't be a bad thing. That's a valuable service to people. Not unlike talking about movies or books or anything else. I intend to complete the detox. Hopefully as I go through it I can find what it is I'm looking for as far as a career goes. Thanks for reading guys!

That's some Yoda level stuff right there brother.

Day 7: 3/16/16 @hycniejsy Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me especially today. Today's been permeated with melancholy. This mornings workout was dragged down by this sadness. This shift at work was affected as well. I was super tired and irritable. My boss tried to get me to work next saturday, I told her no and she seemed to resent me for it even though I picked up a shift this sunday to help her out. but maybe its just me being paranoid. I feel as though something is missing, like a part of me has died. I got through the day fine, but I just feel an emptiness. I need a new job mainly. I think that its just part of the detox, the withdrawals. It also kind of reassures me that this is what I need. I need the detox. I need to quit, my life can't revolve around gaming. It doesn't do me any good. I worked out again with my friend and talked about the detox a bit. He felt I didn't need to go the full 90 days, but I know that I need it to invest in new hobbies and prove I don't need gaming in my life. I'm just tired tonight. I stayed up, got up early the next day, went to the gym twice. I'm just ready to get in bed and sleep for quite a while. Goals completed today: - Worked out this morning. - Put in request for vacation time. Goals I failed to complete: - I went to the bank but I didn't get my change cashed in. Had to handle an account dispute. - I haven't created a new post in the forums Goals for tomorrow: - Try my best to get Friday off. - Prepare my lunch before work.

Freaking Derek. Always scheming. Yeah most of my fat american brethren would rather let the car drive itself. Screw that. I've never heard of Citroen. LLooks neat, we don't see those in the U.S.

I love your goat picture! That creature is ready for battle.

Day 6: 3/15/16 Tried to wake up early for a morning workout, but ended up snoozing. Had a hearty fruit smoothie and some cashews for breakfast. The past couple weeks I've been really tired all the time, so I figured It had something to do with my diet. Certain nuts have magnesium which supports energy so I had those with the fruit smoothie. My GF Rachel told me coffee also has magnesium. Work was interesting to say the least. My boss started getting upset at the cooks for a mistake. My boss is a strange man, very unpredictable, almost volatile. I do my best to avoid anything to do with him. but when he gets upset and starts raising his voice it makes me anxious. Other than that it was a typical day. After work I went home and hung out with my dad before he went to work. He asked me "You still off of videogames?" I said "Yeah" he asked me if I had any craving and I said "Oh yeah definitely, that's why I'm heading out to the gym. To keep my mind off of it." I rinsed the pollen off my car with the hose and drove out with the top down. I drive a 2000 Mazda MX-5 Miata named Yvette. A two-seater convertible, it's the most fun driving experience I've ever had. Granted I wasn't really into cars until my friend showed me the Miata. It's the first manual transmission (stick shift) car I've owned and I don't think I can ever go back to an automatic. Driving a stick is a lot more involving than driving an automatic. You decide when the gears shift and this gives you more control over the car. It doesn't do anything unless you tell it to. I was thinking about all this at the gym. I was at a machine and I saw my car out of the window and I took a moment to appreciate what an amazing car I have and to appreciate that I have the opportunity to OWN such an amazing car. After the gym I hung out with my Mom while we ate dinner and I've been on the forums for a while listening to my records. Goals that I've accomplished: - Hit the gym after work. - Will begin reading The Scorch Trials after I post my journal. - Practiced "Pop Song 89" as well as "So Real" by Jeff Buckley - Posted 4 of 5 comments on forums. Goals for Tommorow: - Work out in the A.M. - Turn in change at the bank - Put in request for vacation time at work. - Create a new post in the forum. See you guys tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

I can definitely relate to this. I've never chased dreams either. I hardly know what my dreams are because I haven't done anything else besides play videogames my entire life. I'm hoping to change that. I imagine you are too. We'll do it together.