BryanJaz

Day 76 I've had a few tempting thoughts about games (DOS2 and DS3) that I was playing and never finished but they passed rather quickly and I actually did well with quelling that "maybe I could play a few hours, here and there when enough time has passed" thought. With dreams I always find I will take the feeling with me the rest of the day, if it is insightful or profound and although this dream was a bit of both I found it be lacking in having a similar effect. I feel like my dreams have "relaxed" a bit and I want to dissect them some more so I can gather a fresh interpretation on them. I would have to agree that part of my internal world is disposing of the "dead weight" I carry around, it's just much less intense than I am used to. I've had the "purge dreams" where I am bleeding or puking from every orifice, and really going through it...these dreams feel much less intense but I feel like it is due to my mental state reaching a much more stable place. I hope that I can continue to ease into a lasting equilibrium and it is nice to have input on my dreams from others because I always feel like my dream world is so ridiculously different from anyone I've met. This week I was unsuccessful with waking up at 6:00 partly because I feel like I have been getting much better sleep. I feel like I have been really learning to dial back my surface thoughts and have had a level of clarity and reflection that have made my life make more sense. Involved in this has been a humility and return to fulfilling certain moral desires. I can certainly say that meditation has been the driving force in my mental clarity as I have been sitting for an hour a day at least. Alongside meditation, I feel like a healthy level of acceptance with the way things are and a loosening of the perspective that I need to be the one that changes things all the time have given a space in my life that I forgot could exist. It's space to just be myself and experience whatever that is. I don't feel so encroached upon by others because I am not so invested in having things a certain way. Although the past week or so points to a different conclusion, I'd say that most days I don't feel as burdened by myself or others. There are certainly times that push me to capacity and beyond, but it's like my limit is increasing the more I meditate and adopt a less ego-centric perspective. On another note, I am kind of banking on getting this one job that I have an interview for. I know that is a terrible plan but I feel like it's such a good fit in many ways that I really want it to happen even if it's not the job that I have for years. Its the perfect commute distance and deals with analytical chemistry and materials science which are what I want to specialize in (right now) for my career. Both my research projects are almost tailored to demonstrate that I have skills in both those areas but I don't have any working experience because I just graduated. I know companies list that experience is required and a lot of the time it isn't 100% necessary but they listed 1-3 years and it feels like the position is slightly beyond entry level. I don't know, I feel like I am just doubting myself because I don't have all the "requirements" but I have most and it just feels like the right job for me. I am going to be studying and researching about the company and relearning some of the things I did in undergrad just for a phone interview but I feel like it will help me a lot. It's also just kind of who/how I am. At the same time it's weird because even if I didn't get the job I know that I would try for a different place for a little but would just kind of make money as would be necessary. Then I would apply to grad school for next spring and just make money to pay the bills until then. I have a good backup plan but I don't want to have to use it because this position/company just seems so fitting for me right now. Lastly, I am nearing the 90 day marker and I am really excited. December 19th is the day. I don't have money to spare but I really wish I could get myself a reward, but at the same time I might just use Christmas to "supply" the reward. It wouldn't be anything crazy, probably just a book or feature for my zen den. But still I feel like learning to reward oneself appropriately is a good way to deal with overcoming an addiction. A big addiction factor is the systems of artificial rewards in place in each game. Without that, especially early on, it feels like there is a void in day to day life. And a successful 90 day detox seems like the appropriate time to reward oneself. Either way I'm feeling very good with this whole process and I think once 90 days is up I will probably begin to focus more on commenting on others while doing a journal article at my leisure instead of trying for every day/every few days.

Also, attempting to start morning routine tomorrow. I wish us both luck!🤣

Ahh I see, well honestly I feel like "doing things your own way" as a starting point is probably better than just following directions. You seem to be very thoughtful and creative so it works for you most times. I'm a chemist and I feel like if I just start following directions blindly, then I kind of miss the point of being a scientist. But for experiments which involve dangerous reagents it is most definitely necessary to follow exact directions. Maybe you just need to reflect on which activities require exactness and which allow for flexibility. Seems like for music if you want to learn a piece you should try to commit to it exactly before putting your own spin on it...but I'm not musician haha.

I'm the exact same way although I always get the comment that I'm "black and white"...from day 1. Like you said, when it is channeled, I feel like I can accomplish so much and grow at a very fast rate. I'm committed and focused because that's just me...it's not like I can say "lets commit to this!" I'm either in it or not in it. And nobody who has ever known me has ever understood that. Even if you're not exactly like me, I feel like we are working with similar mental equipment...if that makes sense. And I will say that challenges (without absurd amounts of pressure on me) are something I need in my life. Maybe you do too.

Meditation might be the single best thing for my life and since I've stopped video games I meditate for an hour or two a day. I did a 10 day silent meditation retreat almost 4 years ago and it's taken until now for me to recommit to the practice. Personally, I'm a very mind-based person so it's definitely a keystone habit for me that I wish to develop but even if you aren't it's worth sticking with. I genuinely feel like I'm emptying the proverbial cup. Also, the retreat was a "trial by fire, shotgun blast" of a beginning to my meditation practice but 100% worth it because now I find it easy most days to meditate an hour at a time.

Day 73 Thank you all for so much support and thoughtfulness, it makes me so happy to see people reading/commenting on these journals. Yesterday, I finally traded my ps4 and games in for cash. I didn't even get half of what the sale price is right now but I don't even really care, it's not about the money. I want to trade my laptop in as well but I'm not sure if that will be totally necessary right now. I feel like I'm not drawn to online games anymore and I have so much else going on that it's easy to not be on my laptop except for these journals and for job stuff. I am really hoping I can nail a phone interview I have next week for a job I'd really like to have. Whereas I used to put my efforts into maximizing my gaming progress, now all my efforts are funneled into what I deem as important. I have a bunch of information I need to review before the interview and it actually excites me. I'm going to dive deep into their company and read up on all their products and the prospective job responsibilites. I'm going to review my research projects and refresh my understanding of them which always feels good. It's kind of wild that I feel so motivated to do things which I always just wrote off as boring or obligatory, and instead I have a genuine interest in now. Like reading a few journal articles about gasification of waste gives me a surge of excitement akin to that of logging into a character on WoW. As a brief interlude, I just remembered I had a dream that I was playing WoW last night or it seemed like I was playing for part of the dream and then struggling to close the program before I left that area. I remember trying so hard to hit a button that said "quit" because I didn't want to leave my account info up on a public computer. Apparently, it was a school trip or something and we were about to leave so I had to logout but the screen was frozen and hitting quit wouldn't register on the computer so I had to walk away. Talk about an ironic dream... Anyways, today I want to ask my mom to help me sew a mask that is actually contoured to my face and to experiment with nose ventilation so my glasses don't keep fogging up on every...single...exhale. I'm hoping it goes well but I don't really know how to sew (my mom showed me how to make cornhole bean bags over the summer) but that's one of my mom's hobbies so I think she'll be able to help me out. I also want to use some sort of silky material because the typical blue masks feel terrible on my face and whenever my beard grows in it makes my face super itchy. We'll see how it goes... As a goal for the rest of this week, I really want to wake up at 6:00. I feel like since I meditate and drive to my mom's house in the morning, half my day is gone by the time I get here. I want to do a quick mobility routine and meditate right when I get up because I feel like that will set my day up for success. I have already been doing some stretches and meditating 1-2 times a day for an hour each session so it's not hard to do, I just want to do it a bit earlier. I'll have to make a method and just stick to it.

I always thought I was shy and quiet and reserved, so I began to believe that I liked "doing my own thing" as well. I've learned through many different humbling trials, that I like "doing my own thing" only in specific situations. Some days I like to cook and clean by myself, I like to take the day to be in my own space...but one or two days is usually more than enough. I used to hate presentations and being singled out...now I enjoy moments where I can teach a group of people how to do a wrestling move, or to instruct people in certain subjects that I have strengths in. I think I learn well when I have time to read, take notes, and digest material in my own cubby at a library...but I learn best when I can do that as well as work with friends/peers/teachers as a group. I'm not totally sure if you were thinking along the same lines but I hope this is something that you can relate to.

Look at you go! Day 40 already... It feels so good to have momentum, doesn't it? Also, finishing homework as it is assigned has an odd satisfaction to it, without gaming you will probably be able to appreciate that habit more. Yea, I can 100% relate to this...I've talked in my posts, especially in the beginning (and the other detoxes I've attempted) about how I felt like I was always living two lives. My interactions with my family and friends were so strained and felt like obligations rather than real connections. It is incredible the stark difference between everything in my life (even the boring stuff) when I was gaming and now when I am not. It's like the light is returning to my entire world.

I have less and less urges to play as the days go by but I still have this thought pop into my head a lot. I always feel like it would be amazing to make it work for me. I've seen people like the actor who plays Geralt in the Netflix Witcher series talk about how they love to game as well, and I think "well he's successful, in shape, and probably has a busy life but still plays, why can't I?" I've begun to truly realize that gaming just plain doesn't work for me. It feels like there is an inner framework that would allow me to play video games before (when I was growing up and first playing) but along the way I broke that framework. Now, I have a busted system and it needs so much time/healing just to allow me to even think about video games without causing my entire self to malfunction. Something is broken in my mind (addiction/the root of the issue), and gaming is the way in which it comes to life (the primary symptom of the issue). Everyone on this forum has a similar problem and I think that we can all agree casual gaming will never be enough for us.

Day 72 I have two possible jobs that I am applying for right now where I have contacts that have pushed me along in the hiring process. My god, for anyone who is in college, take the time to explore companies for internships if you want to work after you graduate. I did two research projects which definitely helps my resume as an entry level chemist but without these connections I would be screwed (and might still be). I just want to get into a company that's worth working for before I head to grad school in a couple years. Without an internship or knowledge of companies I'd like to work for, I've been stuck looking through Indeed and LinkedIn, and believe me most of those jobs are terrible. The companies just want to fill in entry level positions with grunts but they all list that you need 1-3 years of experience (for a job that pays $13-$17 an hour, no benefits as a chemistry graduate...) I know that listing those requirements is just "kind of what they do" and it's not totally necessary to have them all, but still it really pays to have a good idea about who you would want to work for. Anyways, I think I will finally be taking my Ps4 back to GameStop now that it is reset. Hopefully, I have enough time to do that today. That should give me enough money to float for the next few weeks and I am really looking to get one of these jobs. I will probably be spending a good amount of time researching these companies and preparing a small cheat sheet for a phone interview I have scheduled for next week. I wouldn't prepare anything for an in-person or zoom interview but for phone interviews I feel like it can help if you have some things written down to cover your bases. I feel like I've found a good rhythm with meditation and intermittent fasting now and even though I haven't been on a run in the last few days I feel like my body is much lighter and I have a general sense of relief. I want to continue to run twice a week but with bad weather and having to do wash at my mom's house I don't always feel inclined to get out there. However, I have found a good program for mobility and calisthenics/bodyweight workouts that I want to invest in when I get some cash. Even though I'm not jumping right into it, it is really nice to know what I want to do in regards to exercise. Being patient before buying it also makes me have a good level of certainty that I will use/do the program. I especially want to try the mobility one because I have been following some of the exercises from YouTube videos made by the people who made the program and they are liberating my joints. It's crazy because I've had so many injuries that I have to endure daily pain because I never got the proper time and treatment to recover so now I feel like it's a life sentence. But with these movements and exercises my body is beginning to return to me. I get excited and motivated every time I do the movements so I'm already fairly certain that when I buy the programs it will be well worth my money. Plus it's building strength and flexibility the way I want to, I'm not just stuck doing things I don't enjoy like benching and squatting. As a last note, I think I want to create a topic thread in the forum for a place where people can post about reflecting on good habits and things that really help them day to day. It doesn't even have to be relevant to their gaming detox but just things to be grateful for and that help in small ways.

Day 71 It's a windy, rainy, thunderstorm type of day and it's kind of nice. I am pretty much just going to read and chill without much thought to anything else. The last few days have been pretty rough. My gf and I had one of those recurring argument fights that has happened a few times before in our relationship and it's like each time we learn more and deal with the situation better...but it still is a very irritating and difficult happening. I find that it's hard for me to choose between what I want and what is best (for everyone involved) in so many situations. I am always thinking about how to get to the "best" solution even if it means sacrificing what I want. It's like an auto-pilot takes over and I always start from that perspective rather than really sitting with the situation and asking myself if it's what I want. I know that it is related to how I was raised and that my dad was always someone who dictated my life/was always watching and criticizing. I grew up with the constant feeling of being observed and critiqued (because most of the time I was, both in and out of school) and I feel like I developed the habit of appeasing a situation for the group to avoid chaos and disharmony even if it meant I had to give up what I wanted. I remember there were a few times where I let myself just goof off and hang out with my brother and dad before a wrestling tournament, and I ended up not winning (or not wrestling to my "ability") and I'd face the angry wrath of my dad after. I was so young that I equated my goofing off and relaxed state to my lesser performance (aka not taking 1st in a national tournament against older opponents) that I built this mentality that I had to just stay quiet and focused and that I couldn't goof off so that I would win at all costs and not have to deal with my dad's rage. I feel like I now carry this mentality with so many different aspects of my life. I have always been described as "black and white" and even my gf will call me out on it. I wish I could truly explain why my perception tends to be so binary with many things but I honestly don't know why I think like that. I don't have a way to communicate everything I am thinking and perceiving...nobody does. I try to tell people I don't know why I have such extremes built in to the way I think and I am a min/maxer. I try my best to not be stubborn but I feel like I am naturally like this and throughout my childhood I used it to adapt to abusive situations so it can be hard to just disengage with. And with my life as it currently is, with my current issues that I face both alone and in relationships/friendships, I still have this way of thinking and way of dealing with things. I always start from how do I appease the situation...how do I check of the best and most boxes for the most people, rather than do I want this? I have to take serious amounts of time to discover what it is I want in many situations, it doesn't just appear before me, and most of the time it'll change. I feel like most of the people around me lead with what they want before taking any other factors into account...and I'm just not like that. I think that both perspectives need to be tempered with bits of each other and I am trying to reach for that in my life it just takes time. And emotions don't like patience. Even with gaming I feel like I have the perspective that when I don't game I am so much better in so many ways and I enjoy life in a much more full way. But before this detox I would try to quit, not because I truly wanted to but because I wanted to maximize my productivity, cut out my bad habits, and be a better person for those around me (because my gaming would make me much more numbed out and would cause issues with my relationships). And when my will would give out, I would be like "why can't I do something for myself, why can't I do what I want and be accepted for that?" I would go right back to gaming because parts of me still enjoyed it or wanted to enjoy it even if I didn't actually like it that much (especially in regards to League and WoW). Now, I feel like I am finding out with much greater clarity that I can choose to do what I want and I don't always have to lead with that group appeasement mentality...because it's my life and I am responsible for myself, I want to be responsible for myself. That's why I feel like this detox is really working out and I am proud of myself for sticking with it this far. To Moving Forward

Day 69 The more I round the bend towards the end of this detox, the more changes come about in my life. I feel like I am becoming more aware of myself on a daily basis and it is helping me in so many ways but is also causing friction in my relationships at times. With covid so much is out of our control and it has affected and continues to affect everyday life in so many ways. I feel like the pandemic has put me through a whirlwind and now the dust is settling and I am seeing things through a clearer lens (mostly because instead of distracting myself with gaming, I am sitting with it). I no longer want to give in to weakness and fear and even when I do I keep a strong mental attitude so I can pick myself back up with relative ease. I feel much more myself in every way and I don't feel hatred for aspects of myself that I used to dislike. I have begun to accept and work with my issues instead of ignoring and dumping them on others. I sit and try to take responsibility. It has not been like this for many people around me. In fact, instead of taking time to work on themselves they turn to worse and worse "bandaid solutions" that only end up making it worse. I don't know how to remain steadfast with my strife towards growth and remain a CONSTANT source of help and encouragement and reassurance in their lives as well. One of these people is my gf, one is my brother, and one is my best friend. It's like as soon as I start taking real steps to better myself, the countercurrent to my growth decides to take it's gloves off and push/pull full force in the other direction, causing as much stress as possible. I feel like when I start to work on myself I become defective in reality and the people around me shove me back into place. This has happened before and I've felt the same way. I know it sounds selfish to say that i wish they would just get a grip but I feel like I'm being leaned on to the point of breaking...and all I want is to have time to meditate, read, write, and work on myself. I don't want anything from them other than them to just try to take control of their own lives and try things to help themselves instead of using me as a dump. I don't know I'm a bit thrown off by the last few days and I need to vent so there it is.

Day 68 Yesterday was a long day...it actually went pretty well in most respects but it was definitely odd given covid circumstances. Personally, I'm not one for holidays I don't feel like celebrating the same way every year for the rest of my life. I understand holidays for family gatherings and brightening children's spirits, but my god when you get older holidays are just these weird days where families who don't really enjoy each other's company come together, eat a ton of food, and complain about each other. I don't understand why most families keep the tradition going when it just ends up being a really stressful time...like it's your day off, wouldn't you want to relax? I don't know...I feel subjugated by these traditions because I would honestly rather have the option to just not have the holiday experience and take the day to chill or hike or something.

Day 66 I think you are correct (Lampshade) with saying that being sober in a group of people who drink is not as bad as I was making it seem. I think I get hung up on the fact that I'm the minority in most groups, in the sense that who I am and the choices I make are very much against the grain. I always feel like I have to reiterate that I don't eat meat, that I don't smoke weed (haven't smoked for 5 years and have no interest in returning to it), I don't watch sports, etc. With alcohol it feels like I'm further into the minority which I honestly kind of like...except on those shitty days where it feels like a storm cloud is above my head. I feel the loneliness more acutely on those days and it's hard to not want to just join the crowd even if it is at my own expense. Overall, I don't think that will stop me from cutting out alcohol, it is just something that worries me at times. And yea always having a DD is a huge plus. Also, thank you for the encouragement and it does seem like we are very similar, I'll take a deeper look at your journals after I am done writing this. It is always nice to know that there are people with similar struggles and interests. For today, I am going to be returning my ps4 to GameStop. I kind of wanted to sell it online but I definitely know that I am more concerned with having a gaming-free house rather than a few extra bucks. My gf and I feel somewhat similarly about having a TV in the house because it just feels like we waste so much time watching old movies and shows because we want to relax; however we usually end up feeling less relaxed and just more annoyed that the day is over. I'm not as hung up on getting rid of the TV right now because I feel like we are still getting comfortable in our new living situation, and we are already breaking other habits. It just doesn't feel like something I want to spend my time doing anymore and I don't think parting with a TV would be as difficult as ending my gaming addiction. It's weird how when you remove one really bad habit you start to see how all of your other habits actually affect you. I have the same attitude about them that I did originally with gaming where I want them all gone now. But that is an unrealistic amount of change to force on myself and I honestly don't feel that dragged down by these other habits (besides when I drink too much) to the same extent as video games. I simply feel more compelled to live better because I want to. Having that attitude/mindset is really what turned the tide with my gaming addiction and I feel like striving for better living is something I enjoy. It's like taking that sense of measurable growth that gaming gave me with leveling up a character or getting better at a pvp game and directing it toward a lifestyle I've envisioned for myself. I'm just glad that I have finally begun to take actions with real intention. To moving forward...

My friend tried to get me into DnD once and I said that it wasn't the right time but I would give it a try. It sparked a huge argument for some odd reason so it kind of feels like a dead topic. However, I often feel like it would be a fun hobby to do once and a while if I had the time/resources. I 100% agree about the idea of making and role-playing a character as being really cool and something I miss about being a kid. I remember when I got into WoW, my friends and I would go outside and role-play as characters, picking up sticks for weapons, and exploring local backyards/parks as if they were far-off lands from WoW. We would imagine enemies and fight boss battles and when we got tired, we would go in and play with an increased delight as the sun went down. As we grew older, we would only just sit on the computer and play for longer amounts of time and the experience was no longer enjoyable. I would say that if your 90-day detox is going well that you could plan to start a table-top rpg or buy yourself materials to build a model character maybe as a small reward for 30 days of no gaming. It would definitely help with your transition away from gaming. As a fantasy guy myself, I suggest reading the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. The first book is called The Way of Kings and it's amazing. This series has helped me with my 90 day detox and is a way to still get my fantasy kick.

I started The Stormlight Archive series by Brandon Sanderson and just finished Oathbringer earlier this month. Best fantasy series I have ever read and has helped me channel my fantasy nerdiness from gaming to reading. Just started Sanderson's Mistborn series and I have heard it's just as good (in a different way) as the Stormlight series. I also read Think and Grow Rich as a recommendation from a friend. I found it to be a useful read and was surprised by some of the content. However, the writing had too much salesmanship littered throughout it to be my cup of tea. I still think I gained quite a bit from reading through it all, I just don't find it to be as profound as my friend did. I like to read a fiction book alongside a non-fiction/informative book and I am currently looking to dive back into learning about history. If anyone has any good history books, I would love some recommendations.

I definitely relate to feeling different on caffeine and not really enjoying it for more than the initial hour or so. I feel I am caffeine sensitive too because I get a whole host of symptoms as soon as I take the first tiny sip but the excited, euphoric feelings dominate for a bit. 2-3 hours later and I just feel irritated. The thing you have to remember about caffeine is that there is a psychoactive component to it...most other psychoactive drugs are illegal and/or heavily regulated. Caffeine consumption is encouraged by most! It is pretty baffling when you look at it from a biochemical standpoint (I'm a chemist) that most people don't consider it a drug since there are noticeable withdrawal symptoms after relatively low amounts of consumption. But yea, if you become that non-caffeine person then not only is there a significant portion of time before your workplace efficiency equilibrates but you also stick out when everyone starts to crash. I've never been much of a coffee drinker and I only have caffeine once or twice every couple weeks but I feel like meditation is what keeps me from getting drawn into it. When I meditate on caffeine, it's horrible most of the time. I can't keep my breathing consistent and I have a hard time staying still and focusing. When I don't have caffeine and I consistently meditate I feel like my focus and efficiency are up a few notches from even my caffeinated self in my every day tasks. I would try to reduce your coffee intake instead of cutting it out right away but maybe give it up on the weekends to give yourself some contrast. And since you meditate I would try to put a little more time into that and see how things feel after a little while. Your mind is at the core of your "doing" in life, it needs maintenance just like anything else.

I have a similar problem when it comes to alcohol with my family. Although I am not living with them at the moment, I visit a lot during the week and on the weekends and my mom and stepdad always have a drink with them at the end of the day. I don't like to drink that much but I get drawn into that world especially when we're doing yard work or watching a movie altogether as a family. I feel like my best option is true vigilance and creating mental suggestions for when I see/get an urge to grab a drink. I am not someone who is deeply ingrained in alcohol, however I feel like I want to completely cut it out which is hard with anything especially when it's a social habit. For your issue, since you are at home it will be much more difficult. I would give your mom a grocery list every week so she buys you what want and I would start to prepare your own food in small doses. If you really want to change your diet, you have to be the one that is making your meal choices. Convincing your mom to do anything different when it comes to diet and/or consumption is not a battle you will win. You can never change somebody else, you can only try to affect them. But I have found the best way to influence people is to change yourself (with an indomitable will) and watch as they begin to take strides in their life. Encourage growth but don't think for a second that you can force anybody to do anything, especially if they don't want to. If you are comfortable with junk food and just want to cut out added sugars, then I would try to substitute certain meals. For instance, if she tends to put nutella on waffles then maybe change your breakfast to a bagel sandwich. If she throws oreos in your lunch trade them to someone else, give them away for nothing, or just put them back in your backpack and take them home at the end of the day. I actually have two similar problems because I went vegetarian four years ago...did it for 2 and a half years then added fish back in for a summer and chicken/turkey in for 9 months before now coming back to being a pescatarian. My dad is and has been 350+ lbs for over 20 years. I have never seen my dad below 300 lbs but I have seen him over 400. In the beginning of my vegetarian lifestyle change he did not accommodate and would always jab at me for not eating meat or fish. I didn't yield. Now, even if he forgets sometimes, he has learned to at least understand my choice and will suggest places to go to eat where he knows there are options for my diet. I could elaborate endlessly on why I wish he would change himself and how many times I have tried to help him lose weight but at the end of the day that's his journey not mine. I always encourage and praise him when he starts a diet and I try to help in what little ways I can but I know that it's his life and body and only he can do it for himself. If you argue with your mom try not to invest so much of your energy in seeing changes in her. Be thankful when she does hear what you have to say but in this case actions speak louder than words. She might still mess up your lunch or put temptations in your way but try not to hate her for it, just use it as a way to see if you really are ready to make the changes you say you want to. And always accept mistakes and try to learn from them, don't dwell on the occasional soda like drinking it was some heinous crime.

Day 65 I recently had a big fight with my gf and it again happened while we were both drinking a lot. We've resolved our issues as much as we can for now but we are both really annoyed with ourselves and with how we both get when drinking. Since I am already committing to this detox and won't be returning to gaming, I feel like this needs to be my primary focus to ensure that I stay strong and remain gaming-free. However, drinking is something I've never truly been a fan of, I don't do it very often and I always feel like I don't want to do it in general. I hate how it completely ruins the next few days because I always stay up way too late, don't eat or drink enough (water), and I get poor sleep. The hangover is not a huge deal to me (generally), it's the overall feeling of lethargy, like my day is gone before it's started. It sucks because most of the time I drink it's just a few with family or friends and I am fine the next day or so. But those other times where it's like 8-9 drinks just makes life terrible. I find it even harder to deal with because it really is a social thing...and it's always available at my parent's place for free...and everyone is having something to drink. I'm already the one that doesn't eat meat and cares about animals, the weirdo quiet scientist introvert that actually enjoys meditation/silence...it's like who I am and who I really want to be are so far from what most people want to be or are right now, I don't know how to fit in while still being myself. I want to cut out alcohol totally, I honestly feel like it's massively beneficial for a healthy, long life but I don't want to over-restrict myself and I don't want to feel excessively ostracized. This is a difficult one, because I know it's poison and I know that no good ever comes from consuming it... I guess I will just have to overcome feelings of exclusion and judgement and learn to be myself totally. I think if I can cultivate the same attitude I have with gaming towards drinking as well then I can definitely succeed with it. I have only recently found myself partaking in drinking (especially to excess) so I know it will be a much easier tie to sever. I think I may use the 90 day detox with that once I am done with this one and continue to record my progress with both here. Although I doubt I will see profound changes from cutting out drinking, I know I will reduce the amount of arguments I get into and the amount of time I spend recovering from a heavy night. On a side note, tomorrow is the longest I will have gone without gaming since my last detox which was in 2017. I was not journaling with that one and it was way harder. I remember I ended up playing a small phone game with two people I met in a school club while we were driving to a wolf sanctuary and that was the tipping point. I installed The Witcher 3 on my pc and started playing that the next week...which led to another 3 years of gaming. It's pretty incredible that playing a little phone game on a drive was all I needed to get me back into it. I do have to say that taking that detox all the way to 66 days was a huge breaking point for my gaming addiction. I would only go on binges and breaks after that point...I was never playing consistently...up until this summer after that point. That points to the fact that any bit of progress is still progress and is always helpful.

Day 61 Thank you for the encouragement Pochatok, it's always nice seeing a friendly post. Luckily, I have a much better mindset this time around when applying to jobs and I have an actual idea about what I'd like to do so I hope it goes well. As for the meditation, I did a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat when I was 21 and I typically use the two techniques I learned there. I will definitely check out the Alexander Technique because I have been feeling like I want to expand my meditation repertoire. I recently cleared out an old room full of junk and am creating a "zen den" for meditation, it seems fitting to also learn some new techniques. So I have been unsuccessful with getting up early and starting my day with meditation and running recently. But I am not too upset about that because I have still been meditating and running just not on a schedule. In fact many days I have been meditating for up to 2 hours and yesterday I ran a 10k in under an hour just on a whim. I had run the loop before back when I was really in shape during wrestling season (like 6-7 years ago) but whenever I had thought about doing it recently I would feel very intimidated and just not try it...until yesterday. I can't believe I ran it fully through without walking and I surprised myself even more that I did it in 54 minutes so I had about a 9 minute/mile pace. For only running two to three times a week for the past few weeks I feel like it was a fluke or something. I don't know, either way it gave me a huge confidence boost and I slept really well last night. I also reaffirmed what kind of exercise I want to do which has been somewhat of an issue for me in the past. I always feel compelled to get a gym membership and just do the typical bench, squat, deadlift, row, curls, shoulder presses...and so on. But I know my body and I know my lack of flexibility and mobility in my joints so every time I would try to do these exercises I would only end up feeling worse after lifting. I have too many injuries and muscular imbalances to keep beating my head against the wall at the gym. I have found that I feel I engage so many more muscles when I do bodyweight/calisthenics workouts and cardio. I also am more interested in martial arts and it doesn't necessarily help when you can move a large amount of weight one-dimensionally. So yea, it was nice remembering where my goals actually lie rather than feeling like I have to do a certain style of working out to fit in. I feel like I want to continue running twice a week, but start to do yoga on the other days and then choose to do whatever on the weekend. Since my zen den is up and running I actually have a warm space to do yoga. I want to get a space heater and a humidifier to make it a hot yoga setting some days, I always feel I can get a much deeper stretch and a better overall session when the room is heated. For the current state of things it feels like cardio and yoga are the best option to stay healthy and to progress forward with my goals. I don't really have space for my pullup tower so I'm probably gonna wait on the calisthenics for the most part until I get into the swing of things with yoga.

Day 60 It's kind of crazy that I'm already at day 60 of the 90-day detox. I wish I hadn't lost that amazon gift card because right now would be the perfect time for a small reward. I have been meditating pretty much every day and I am slowly starting to get more in tune with the more subtle feelings in my body. For instance, yesterday I was opening up a new DVD and I was on one knee in front of my ps4 with all my games organized in front of me. My first thought was "wow I like how those look, the aesthetic is really pleasing". Within the same breath I felt an alluring pull to open up a game and start playing. I felt a slight bit of warmth in my low gut as well as a sensation of relaxation in and around my head. It was really strange because I know of the usual feelings of excitement, ya know like when you're opening a present or you're in a store full of cool things you want to buy. But this was something much less intense but with a similar pulling feeling associated with it. I wasn't overwhelmed by any means, I was just aware of the sensation as it came and went. I then opened the DVD and put it in the ps4 and walked back into the kitchen. I told my gf about this later and how I felt like before this detox that feeling (and those of it's type) would overcome me and I would just jump back into gaming. I feel a serious sense of triumph from knowing that I don't feel so attached or compelled to jump back in. I also realized that I have no real reason to keep my ps4 anymore and I am going to take it back today or tomorrow if possible. I am fully certain that I don't want to play games at all anymore and I don't even entertain the bullshit future tense thought "Maybe in a few years when I have my shit together, I'll buy a system and play some games." No, I am on the "it is my agent of self-destruction, I will engage with it no more," thought. My real struggle now is making money and providing for myself in a way that doesn't completely dampen my spirit. I am always turned off to the idea of working a 9-5 for a company, performing repetitive actions to earn a living. I feel like entry level jobs, even in chemistry, are so stifling in terms of growing that it just feels like I'd be selling my time for a few bucks because "that's what you do" as an adult. It's really sickening but I am really low on money and I don't know how else to make money other than attempting to market myself on YouTube/Social Media, which again is completely not me. Well, either way I am on my way to 90 days and beyond and I am feeling uplifted and motivated. To all those struggling to move forward with their lives, remember to be patient and to accept humble truths about yourself, it begins to open the light back into your life.

Day 57 Almost at 60 days...what a good feeling. I have been much more productive with anything and everything in my life and I am excited about my future. I am damn near broke but have pretty much polished up my resume so hopefully I will be able to get a job in my field soon. I am still trying to decide whether to sell my ps4 back to gamestop because you get such little money back it's absurd and I still use it for movies which is nice because of the high quality. I don't know... I'm not too worried about having it around for a little while because I haven't had any urges to play. I feel like my days are so much longer now, and I do so much more in them that I don't feel bored very often. However, the other day I had pretty much finished all that I wanted to do at around 1:30 and was kind of waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I realized that I hadn't felt that way in a while...the bored waiting... and it was pretty intense. I soon started to meditate just to get myself under wraps and I was surprised by how I didn't spend an hour toiling with the idea of meditating. I just did it and it was just what I needed in that moment. I feel like boredom and the dopamine reset period was something I had never overcome before when trying to quit and this moment was a big turning point for me. I feel like I "leveled up" and ever since I have had this backwind to me that is pushing me towards a greater feeling of control in my life. I actually want to get a job and totally provide for myself. I want to progress forward in my career and I don't feel like self-destructing because without gaming I have been learning to manage my stress instead of burying/avoiding/indulging to displace the stress. This part is huge for me because I am certain that I used gaming to "relieve stress" deceiving myself into believing that gaming was actually helping me with stress when it was really the largest contributor (in recent years). With a much clearer mind, I feel like I can take steps towards all that I want to accomplish and it's so liberating. The weight off my back has made me so much more appreciative and motivated. To anyone who reads this, try to identify your stress and your ways of dealing with stress and work from there. Most of the journals I read from others, show the same thing I have always felt...we all want to do so much so quickly and get a perfect lifestyle down pat by day 4 of the detox. If there is anything I can truly comment on it's that stress and it's mismanagement is the greatest impediment to moving forward. It will slow down everything that you attempt. Start at the stress and work from there.

Day 50 7 weeks straight without video games...I'm actually impressed with myself. Closing in on 2 months and it's like I'm slowly emerging from the cocoon of addiction. I have a significantly clearer mind and an updated inner compass for my health. I'm realizing that I enjoy much of the habits I've tried to instill in myself over the past 6 years and without gaming I no longer feel "bored" by them or that there is something lacking from my life. I always used to feel that even when I was getting up early, putting true effort into school, taking martial arts, eating decently, meditating, or some combination of those things (and more), that there was a major piece missing. I always thought that piece was video games and what they did for me. I clung to the fantasies of the worlds I immersed myself in and without their presence I felt like I was always missing something. It was a back and forth struggle between trying to instantly live my best life and then back to indulging in video games. I never feel like I gave my best effort in anything and even with that I graduated college with a 3.6 in chemistry. My mindset always had me feeling so much lower than I was because so much negativity in my life was tied into gaming. I feel like without the back and forth cycles gaming had me in, I can achieve much of what I want for my life and start to make a difference in others. For the past couple weeks I have been running, stretching, and meditating regularly. I've also been eating healthier (mostly) and working on my surrounding living situation. I want to improve what I have been doing and try to make it streamlined for "a typical workday" to see if I can have a nice routine down before I actually start the job. The hardest part for me is and always has been, waking up early. I have a template of what I want my day to start like. For now, it's just everything I have been doing but pushed back 2 hours. I feel like I can achieve that successfully and continuously if I make sure to write it down and post here as well. Morning Routine: 6:00 AM - Wake up and meditate for an hour 7:00 - Change into work out clothes, drive to park, run for ~30 minutes, return home, stretch, shower, get dressed and ready for day 9:00 - "Day Starts" It's pretty hard to write it down in here, in a way that looks nice...I'll have to work on that. Essentially, I want to make my morning physically and mentally productive so that I shake off the sluggishness from sleep. The meditation really clears my head and makes me feel "lighter" and the run/stretching have me feeling physically better than I would normally. I want to continue intermittent fasting where my eating period is between 11-7 tentatively, but I'll have to see how I feel when waking up earlier as I will probably get hungrier than I have been throughout the morning. Intermittent fasting is such a key habit for me right now, I really want to keep with it. I feel so much better and it makes life so much easier when I don't have to think/make/digest food especially in the morning. There's just so much more that can get done it's awesome. Anyways, life's good and I am thankful for all those that are seeking to better themselves and others including my family and my gf.

Day 47 Today I woke up at 7:15 (been a few days in a row now), I talked and hung out with my gf/did the dishes before she went off to work. Then I meditated for an hour, went for a run, stretched, and showered. I got out of the shower right before 11:00. I then made broccoli cheddar soup (homemade) which was good but had way too much dairy for me, went to the store for my sister, and drove to my mom's house to have some internet access. I have been trying to figure out a good morning routine for myself that will set me up for a solid day. I feel like if I could get up at 5:30 and do the routine, I would still have time before heading off to a 9-5 job. The only thing I am sorta worried about is that the routine goes so well because I am intermittent fasting and I don't need to think about food/eat until 11. This saves so much time. I am just worried that I would succumb to grouchiness if I was in a workplace setting. I want to test out how I feel doing the routine but getting up at 5:30 because honestly intermittent fasting is much easier when you can just sleep an extra few hours to pass the fasting period. I feel like if I did it for a few weeks straight before getting a job I would be fine but I would really need to commit to it. It's crazy how much more I have been doing with my life and how much better I feel. I'm almost nervous to let myself feel good for some reason. As if I'm being foolish for feeling good and being optimistic. I think that shows how negative I have been with gaming in my life...that I can't let myself feel good. The more I meditate the more I realize how much my mind is influencing every bit of my life. It doesn't shut off (in terms of thoughts) and I'm beginning to realize how that doesn't need to be the case. It will take a long time but I know that with meditation I will be able to hone into true silence. I feel like living without mediation is something that is no longer a reality for myself. There is so much benefit to the practice and there is a general ease that begins to proliferate the other aspects of my life as an effect of meditation. I'm hoping that with greater practice I will be able to overcome my aversion to working a job and I'll be able to take greater responsibility of my life and others around me. As I move towards 90 days I want to add in a catalog of what I do for routines in a day and reflect on them. I see a lot of others on this forum have a similar approach to the journal and they usually have a section for gratitude, habits, etc. I think it would be nice to do one for myself, only it's difficult when I can't post everyday (still don't have wifi at my house).

I just hit day 45 of what's got to be my 6th or 7th time trying the 90 day detox. Best I got to before was 66 days and then I spiraled back into gaming off and on binges for 2 more years. I always got the feeling that I had to live a better life and I must commit to all of these extremely disciplined habits (waking up early, exercising 2 hours/day, not watching TV or sitting on my computer, meditating an hour morning and night, eating healthier, the list goes on...) It wasn't until very recently that I feel I've turned a corner and I genuinely want to do all of these habits. I understand that if I have an off day with a few or all of them, that I'm not condemned to fall back into full-fledged toxicity. For me, gaming was where I went to numb out (among other things) and that's where I would go when I "failed" at these habits or felt like crap for a day. Now that I have committed to a life without games I don't plunge into darkness when I trip, I get back up and keep moving. This takes time! I've wanted to quit video games for 5 years! I just finished my undergraduate college degree, wasted a summer playing video games, got a crap job for 3 days before something stirred within me to really look at my life and understand its my life. I can take time for myself to develop into what I want to be. I know it is difficult throughout this time but keep trying. You are doing very well for yourself and it seems you have a good sense of self-awareness. Try to connect with what you want and be open to what is presented to you. Taking a walk just to walk has helped me many times just to clear my head, it may be something that you should try to do when feeling lazy or down. Also, Bird by Bird is right, the dopamine effect is seriously powerful. I've never been on social media so I feel like all of my "dopamine highs" came from gaming...without gaming everything is re-invigorated. Even just cleaning up and organizing has that extra sense of satisfaction. Also, it seems that you are closing in on going to college. Your best bet is to go where you feel like you will best be able to function. It might not be the most prestigious school or one that will fulfill a bunch of career requirements. It might be the one your parents don't want you to go to (if that is something they would do). But seeing that you are trying so very hard to improve many different aspects of your life, you may want to go where you have real room to grow in the way you want to. You can always transfer somewhere else in the future.