Icandothis

The 19th is my 8 month game free anniversary! Quitting games has allowed me to feel it all. The unearthed lavish beauty. The ocean of tears. The violent wind sending my waist long hair dancing as I lift my face to the brilliant sunshine. To be able to be present... to the sorrow and laughter. Not needing to run away or hide; but to be in my body fully experiencing the full rawness of all this life has to offer. Quit Cancer update: Right colectomy surgery complete. Cancer present in 19 out of 67 lymph nodes. Diagnosis- Advanced stage 3. Adjuvant Chemo to start within a week. Thank you truly for the kindness and love.

Hi, It’s ok have down days. Wish I could send over a coloring book with pencils along with a big hug. Thank you for sharing your story and showing support to myself and so many on this forum. Have a beautiful day.

I really resonate with this TED talk with Glennon Doyle. We wear super hero capes so that we don’t have to be seen. So that we are not exposed. So that we don’t have to be vulnerable. For me, it feels like trauma to be fully seen. I am months over quitting gaming, but the healing will be my lifelong practice.

Hi, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It’s overwhelming to try to look forward to a weekend that is filled with sadness. Look how far you have come on your 3D modeling! I remember, a couple months ago you were just starting your first tutorial... and now you have finished several projects!! This is a huge accomplishment. Please be gentle and good to yourself. Thank you for continuing so share your journey. Talk soon!

The 19th will be my 7 month anniversary of being game free!!! Thank you so much to the creators and contributors of this community. Through ups and downs, you have been here for me. This is truly a space to be fully seen and heard. My favorite quote to post again and again: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it’s human connection” .

Hi All!! Thank you so much for your loving energy and prayers. I received a surgery slot for this Tuesday. 💙💙💙

Hi All- So some updates for anyone following along. My diagnosis is Stage 2/3 Colon Cancer. This has a 5 year survival rate of 75%. I am so grateful it has not spread. I have created a profile over at the American Cancer Society under Allidoisyoga. I have not posted yet, but when I do it will be under this user name. What is extremely frustrating is I was to go into immediate surgery to remove the cancer. But the hospital canceled all surgeries that were not life saving that week. I am on a waiting list with my surgeon, oncologist and gastrointerologist saying I need to get in now. But the hospital administration is saying no because they need to save resources for CoVid. I am angry and upset because there are resources available... but I cannot get access. So I go back and forth from anger fits to sitting in stillness. This has been one of the biggest challenges in my faith and spirituality. To sit with cancer inside of me and still find peace and stillness. Would you pray or sending loving intentions that a surgery table will open up to me? I really really appreciate it, and appreciate everyone’s support and listening. Thank you deeply. 💙💙💙

My friend sent me this.... maybe it’s helpful? ”Take a deep breath Exhale Try again. You can do this Have patience Everything is hard the first time.” You are doing such a great job, and we believe in you. Sending you hugs and energy my friend.

Hi! Thank you to everyone for your replies. It means the world to me... it really does. I have updated my photo so you can actually see my face.... hi!! And it reminds me of all the absolutely beautiful adventures in my life. When I get around to posting over on the American Cancer Society, I will try and post a link. I’m still in denial.... I don’t want to have cancer 🙁 There is so much up in the air.... sigh. I am deeply grateful for this community and for everyone of you. Talk soon my friends. Wishing you the most beautiful day. 💙

I am really behind on your journal, I am so sorry. But I think the drums would be a good idea! I am looking into getting a hand pan drum...music is supposed to be great for the mind/body/soul. Hope you have just the best day

I hope you get some good sleep and enjoy your comic book training tomorrow. Sending energy. Have a beautiful day my friend. 💙

The cherry blossom trees are so beautiful right now in Portland. I hope they bring you peace during this time. 💙

I don’t know what to say... This past week and a half has turned my world upside down. A devastating diagnosis, fear, deep depression and sadness. Of all the dreams I had written about in my journal, I never thought my journey would take me here. I will be starting my own blog over at the American Cancer Society. From my brief preview they have chats and posting just like here. My whole world has cracked open again. But I am deeply reminded of the legacy I want to leave on this earth. The prayer of the Bodhisattva; to help ease suffering of all sentient beings. As had been said to me by so many doctors, nurses, medical staff, volunteers and friends.... “ there are no words...” Thank you deeply for listening. I hope you have some joy today.

This... exactly.

I read an article off NPR, I will try to find the link. Basically stating that societies don’t put in place measures to stop the spread of the disease until its too late. I find it very interesting that Japans numbers are not higher. Take care

Very quiet this morning. Yesterday, I was in the middle of writing a long post when my son woke up... so I deleted it. This morning, I actually for a minute forgot what I wrote. Thoughts change, emotions are temporary. I have been turning inward, turning in, really listening to my body, God, and highest self. Psalm 56:3 - when I am afraid I put my trust in you. Thank you for being here.

So amazing. You have a beautiful spirit and heart. Thank you for sharing your story.

I went to therapy today. I cried. It’s so important to have a safe place to fully be seen, heard and express ourselves. We don’t heal in isolation; we heal in community. Have a beautiful day my friends.

@Cam Adair @James Good Thank you for this community.... and thank you for making it open, accessible and inclusive to everyone. We heal within community and this forum has played a huge role. So thank you... deeply.

You define your life. Whatever someone thinks about you is a reflection of them and not you. Rejection is only a story the ego comes up with. Have a beautiful day my friend.

Hi- Wow thank you for sharing. I would like to watch the movie now, as it seems to illuminate relationship dynamics so well. I am so sorry for your pain. Childhood trauma and neglect are pervasive and affect the way we engage in all our relationships. You were not able to cry as a child, because of neglect and it’s absolutely devastating. You wear a mask because this is what you have to do to survive. But it’s ok. Ok to cry and feel whatever emotion comes up. Everything you feel is valid and needs to be fully expressed. I see you my friend.

Hi- Well awesome. The corona virus is at the schools here. It’s big and scary... and puts everything to the test. Also, I have been meaning to write this... so now is as good a time as any... I put my faith in God and trust and surrender. Only by being grounded do I feel like I can face mountains. So I have been getting frustrated lately. And angry. Why is everything taking so long. And then I realize the timing of everything. I started gaming when my first two kiddos started school. I played pretty much constantly until I got pregnant with my baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I cut way back. But still played all the way thru his birth and then young infant stage. It’s actually pretty amazing how much babies sleep. Anyways when I joined GQ, my baby was leaving his infant stage and begging to walk everywhere. I quite literally did not have time to game anymore. I am so thankful I embarked upon this journey when I did as now, I am chasing around my energizer bunny toddler. My days are so full. Getting up early in the morning to make breakfast and lunches. Sending 2 older ones off to school. Preparing breakfast for my little. And then off to our morning outing. Then lunch and then getting him down for a nap. Then it’s light cleaning and chores. ***I have only about 30 minutes to focus on career related items****. My older 2 get home at 2pm. Snack time and holding space for them. Quality time and asking about their day. Little one gets up, afternoon activity. Dinner, homework, showers. Then the nighttime routine for all 3 of them. So even though it looks like I am not moving forward.... my days are filled with joy and love. This is going to be a journey for me... and I am determined not to rush.. but let it all unfold. And after my months job search, my intuition is telling me that my path is towards the healing modalities. Massage, energy medicine, acupuncture, sound therapy. This is what makes my soul feel alive and what I believe my calling is. Thank you much for listening my friends.

In reflection: I have spent years numbing and hiding. As I now show up into the world, I am noticing myself getting angry at people. This anger comes from within. My new commitment is to ground myself every morning in peace and stillness. During the day I will practice self awareness and compassion. This picture is a brief summary that helps me. Thank you for listening.

On cold showers. I have completed my 20 day challenge. I am proud of myself for the commitment and courage to finish. I will continue taking a cold shower following my warm shower as this is very easy to do and does not take a lot of time. But most of all I kept a promise I made to myself.

My current feelings towards life