Icandothis

Hi! Thank you @BooksandTrees, @Ikar, @Phoenixking for you comments, connection and wisdom. I am so sorry if you also had to experience the same emotional abuse.... so thank you so much to each of you for sharing your journey. It feels as if I have been living in a fog for many years and it is slowly lifting. But it is terrifying. TERRIFYING. Some days I wake up and just want to grab my knees, and curl up in a ball. But your right, I take the strength I have and what I know to be true and face the day. What I know to be true: I am loved. I am loved so deeply beyond my imagination. And that I am love. I am capable of loving others. I wanted to write down a list of safe places to share my thoughts: - This forum- everyone has been so kind and deeply compassionate. The comments and readings everyone’s journeys reminds me that I am not alone. - My friend Amy - I have made a friend. She listens deeply to me. In a non judgmental way, offering support and encouragement. I do my best to do the same for her. Listen to her, offer her a hug, offer support. I feel this is a healthy relationship. - My dogs - ok. This might be silly. But I can cry on them. And I really do feel like they are listening. They cover me in kisses so that makes me feel better - My therapist- offer a kind listening ear. She has been there to listen fully and discern what rings true to me. I am going to a yoga community and hoping to explore connections here. I am meeting with a career counselor next week!! I am looking to empower myself so I can make my choices on relationships and how I am treated. Right now I try to assert my boundaries with my parents and partner, and they just say, “well we are going to stop supporting you.” As I have no income, having a place for my kids and food is very important. I have to comply to their horrible treatment of me in order for us just to live. With my own income I will be able to make decisions. And I can decide not to speak to certain people if they treat me badly. It’s scary. But just one small step at a time. This past week has been extremely difficult, so truly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening.

Hi! @BooksandTrees Thank you so much for your response. I really, always feel seen and heard when you post and I so appreciate it! So one of the BIG things I have become aware of is really how horribly that those closest to me treated me. I thought this was just how parents treated children, because this was all I ever knew growing up! Whenever I need to be heard or express myself, my Dad ignores me and my mom criticizes me. Instead of active listening and really trying to understand me, they just shut me down. This has left very very deep wounds in me. When they visited this past weekend all my wounds were reopened. When I tried to express myself to my mother, she rolled her eyes at me and snickered. My usual escapism tool is no longer here... so the pain came out in full force. I see how as a result of my childhood, I picked a partner that treated me the same way. He ignores me and criticizes me. The same cycle has repeated itself!!! I feel when I am around my parents and my partner, I am like a little kid. Just screaming to be heard and loved. During these moments I give that little girl so much compassion. And I give my adult self compassion as well. There is pain, but also a great amount of growth and healing. I am aware of the patterns, the cycles. I can breathe and let the emotions flood my body without having to react to them or push them away. My kids are due home soon. But I will share more as it comes!!! Thank you for your connection! I truly appreciate it! Also, I do see a therapist. Who is providing a lot of tools and help with communication. Thank you for listening I will update soon!

Day 54 Still quiet. I cried a lot today. I cried a lot. I notice very often how I just want to run away, escapism mentality. I have become acutely aware of the dysfunction in our family. My kids had a great time on vacation so that’s good! I had some really deep conversations with my mom. She told me how she thinks I don’t love her. My dad also doesn’t think I love him. I am just not an outwardly loving type of person. I am quiet, still and loyal. I don’t do these little gestures that my parents find important. But I find that whenever I am open with anyone all I get is criticism and judgment. Or at least that’s how I feel and then I shut down again. I shut down a lot. Doing my best to stay true to me. My joy and happiness comes from within. I can choose my perspective. One breath at a time. What was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!

Hi! Thank you so much my friend! I am still processing this comment and am very quiet at the moment. Just trying to listen to my intuition. I was in finance years ago. Have a beautiful day!!

Day 49 The start of our weekend has been a bit rough. I went to the school this morning for parent teacher conferences. It was really nice to see what the girls have accomplished so far. The teachers were very kind and compassionate. My girls are on a road trip and my little one is asleep. There was a bit of an argument this morning... so this calm space is very nice. I am going to practice yin yoga and not really sure what else for the afternoon. Maybe head to the park... and then think about dinner. What was beautiful about my day sunshine. Connection with the school. My beautiful kids. Thank you for listening

Thank you for the encouragement my friend! My two older ones are headed up to great wolf lodge. I have never been; it’s some sort of water park resort for families... so they should have fun. I am hanging back with the younger one so that will be nice! Yeah my partner and I are ok. I am not happy with the way he treats me. But at this point, I have no financial power so I really have no voice. Your comments mean so much to me! Thank you my friend. I hope you have a great day.

Day 48 About to head into a 5 day weekend with the kids being off from school. Everything just is. There are no grandiose achievements or prizes. No time limited missions. My life is very quite simple now. Simple and quiet. Walking into this new season, the sun is setting much earlier and it is very dark outside. Holding onto this quote, “ if you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.” Doing my best to embrace the beauty of every season, just as it is. Thank you for listening my friends. Have a beautiful day.

Hi my friend! I completely agree. Sometimes I just stop and wonder what everyone is rushing towards. With the horns, disgruntled looks and inpatient faces. I hope you have been able to meditate on this more! Sending love my friend. Have a beautiful day!!

Day 47 Just doing well. Some things I have been up too - Spooky Dance Party - Harvest festival - Trick or treating with friends - Soccer games - House party - Yoga Discovering that I definitely do much better when I am out in the community. From a quote I read the other day, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” Very grateful to this forum for providing the connection my soul needs. Thank you for listening. ???

Hi! Glad to hear about your job offer! Are you excited? Is this something you have been studying for? Have a beautiful day my friend.

Hey... Just hope your doing ok. Sending love and energy my friend.

Hi! Please don’t change because of one persons judgement of you. Remember that what people say is a reflection of them and not us! From your posts you seem very driven in your own life and yet able to encourage and have deep empathy for others as well. Have a beautiful day my friend.

Thank you for your comment. Yeah I know this behavior is unhealthy..... but I can only control myself, my thoughts, emotions and actions. I am working to empower myself, so I make my own decisions in the future. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it! I hope you have a beautiful day.

Thank you so much for your comment my friend. You are so right, gaming only masks the pain. The more I continue on this journey, the more space I have between my cravings and then my subsequent action. Every time I get the urge, I realize I have a choice. And then in that moment I breathe. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me. It truly means a lot. I hope you have a beautiful day.

Day 38 what a rough day. I mean having kids can sometimes be tough. It’s so hard when everyone around me is having a meltdown yet I have to remain calm cool and collected. The urge to game so so strong. It’s just not fair. Whenever my kids are having a meltdown my partner just leaves. He says, “I can’t handle it anymore! “ Well I can’t either. So frustrating. Anyways I got through the day without gaming with deep long breaths. I started holding planks as long as possible to get rid of my anger. And also inversions. I got to take a walk to cool off and that seemed to help. I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup. My 1 hour of yoga is seeming very small right now. Something for me to think about. what was beautiful about my day my kids. We will get through parenting one way or another.

And just like that today is a better day. Noticing the small joys in my life: Earl Grey tea, kisses from 2 furry animals, hide and seek with 3 kids, coloring book pages, soccer games, Halloween costumes. I have so much to be grateful for. what was beautiful about my day. Holding my phone and realizing that I am talking to someone on other side of the world!!! My kids. ???????

Thank you for your thoughtful comment! I have noticed that when I have a negative thought I build this whole elaborate story around it! Doing my best to have the thought, then let it pass away. My meditation teacher taught me that thoughts are just like clouds in the sky. Just let them float by. Yes my friend. Just one breath at a time. Small changes. We are doing so well!!!!

I have been noticing how impatient I am. I have a bad thought or emotion and I immediately want to fix it or get rid of it. Just for today, I plan to notice my thoughts and feelings, without trying to change them. My current thoughts include: I can’t do this anymore I am so tired I don’t have any friends My life is miserable AND I am loved There is peace is my heart I trust the timing of my life The Yin and Yang. My spirit is big enough to hold space for all of it. How fleeting, how temporary our nature is. what was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!!

Feel the same way ?

Agree with the above poster. When you have the mentality of “do or die” it puts your body in a fight or flight response. You will learn this in med school... how you need to stay calm and cool during stressful situations. Stay present and grounded. Have compassion for yourself. Have a beautiful day my friend.

Something’s in the air, I couldn’t sleep last night either! ?

Goal attend yoga at a real studio 1x per week to build community I went today and it felt awesome! May all beings everywhere be happy and free ? what was beautiful about my day yoga. I actually talked to 2 new people! And of course my kids.

Quote of the Day Rivers know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there some day. -Winnie the Pooh Experiencing healing. Surrendering more to the flow of life. I read an amazing article that said “anxiety is caused by repressing our feelings. We have learned that emotions are dangerous; so when they bubble up, the body sends out signals of danger and pain”. This was true for me. Unlearning that emotions are bad. Feeling everything today. Letting the emotion spread so big it feels the room, the earth. Leaning into the sensations. What was beautiful about my day fall leaves, pumpkins and kids.

Hi!!! So glad to see you are doing well!! I have found this community to be much more compassionate then some of the other forums I have been a part of. Another forum I was on basically said I had an addiction and I needed a mental health professional. They basically just made me feel worse!!!!! I think people pysho analyze truly because they are trying to help. Even if the help is not asked for!!! Everyone has their own perspective and lens thru which they look at the world. ? Sorry about your trip to the casino. I can totally relate. I always felt so out of place when visiting. All the lights and sounds were over stimulating and everyone looked pretty sad. But at least you tried a new experience and now you have learned!!! I love reading your journal. So proud of you my friend!!! ???

One month!!!!!! Woohooo!! Ok so I was looking back to see what day I was on, and then saw that it’s been 1 month!! I can’t even believe it. I have tried so many times to quit before. So so many times. The only thing that is different now is this community! I love reading your journals, watching your progress, sharing in your success! One big difference I have noticed is that I am not searching for these dopamine hits anymore. I used to game, then go to social media to look for likes, the go to YouTube. Constantly searching for that next rush. Since I have quit gaming I notice that my impulsive actions have gone way down. I have quit social media for a bit... for me it’s a negative influence right now. And urge to incessantly watch videos has decreased as well. Over all I am much more present. Spending much less time on screens and much more time in real life! I have not talked much about my spiritually, but I have a deep faith in GOD. My relationship is with him become so much stronger and I feel held and carried during the hard moments of my day. My help comes from the LORD the maker of heaven and earth. ??? I am going to be switching things up a bit now. I need to focus on some goals to fill in the missing gaps of my life. The main one I am working on right now is community. I am going to come up with some goals to build community, maybe a weekly goal? We will see. For the first time in so long I feel so much hope. What was beautiful about my day laughter and tears. Loving hugs and snuggles with my children. ????