Ikar

Hey! You are right that "like attracts like". It might take you some time to really parse the relationship down to basic elements, but in the process you get to know something about yourself and you can be aware of some patterns in the future. I've had a similar (though not as extreme!) relationship myself. You are also right that some can "weaponize her depression". A few people get expert at that and they wield their uselessness as a weapon, pretty much sucking compassion and other resources from other people. Good luck on detoxing!

I've read the last few entries of yours. Good luck with your artistic endeavors and your (sometimes neurotic!) girlfriend!

Good job on toning down the porn. I'd think there's no need for porn or even masturbation, if you really set up your relationship with your future girlfriend in this domain properly and you'll be able to see each other at least for weekends. Sucks to hear about the rat at work though. I can't quote exactly, but I know a guy on the forums somewhere posted a graph of all the good and bad decisions linking together and making the "path" of having a great or horrible day.

Day 175: I got a few small things done today, a bit of cleaning and some paperwork. I went to a sort of a standup show in the evening with my family and it was pretty good. I also just finished watching Taxi Driver with young De Niro, it struck me as pretty bizarre towards the end, mainly because it ended in a "good" way by a chance. I also saw Goodfellas a few days ago.

Day 174: I was in school, one of the lectures was fairly interesting, so that was good. I didn't do too much else besides that. I plan to follow up on and clean up my errands during the weekend.

The doc told me he didn't see such a reaction before either. I have proper meds to combat it now though and it seems to be going away already.

Good luck! You've got your work cut out for yourself; it won't be easy, but it's the best shot you have!

What was the first book? The same thing has been on my mind recently as well. I read this up on the MMM blog somewhere: "Do what is good for you, not what you enjoy." What I did was to try and triangulate the least useful activity that I do and try to find something more useful, perhaps something I was putting off. It's annoying, but it's the same as with triangulating gaming and deciding something else is worth it more.

I got an infection there from foot mildew I did not know existed up until the infection made me unable to walk normally. I guess all I can advice is to dry the spaces between your fingers properly, so you don't end up like me!

Day 173: I legitimately got a lot done today, but it was not really satisfactory, I think mainly because I spent the whole day inside. My foot got a lot better, as now I'm on antibiotics. NF - 0 days

Day 172: I spent the whole day outside. Teaching went alright, as well as going to the doctors', so hopefully I'll be fit in a few days. I just read a bit about money and did Duolingo, as optional objectives. I'll try to consolidate and get more stuff done tomorrow, as I have the whole day for myself.

Day 171: I got started on a few things I was delaying, so the day was not overall bad, however my foot seems to be getting worse and I am getting somewhat neurotic about it and I have no clue as to what might be causing it, so I'll get some help for that tomorrow.

Day 170: In the morning, I had a short English teaching lesson. I went to see the doctor, I'll be going for an appointment again soon. I used the time I was waiting to check up on some articles related to money. I spent around 3 hours today helping around the bathroom reconstruction. I watched some videos, did Duolingo, wrote with a friend and prepared for tomorrow. It was a pretty nice day overall, even though I did not get everything done. Tomorrow's a day as well!

I decided to do it as more of a preemptive measure, I even kinda forced myself into it, oddly enough. Quitting or watching porn very rarely; that seems like a good idea too, it's much better to rely on your own imagination, that is uniquely weird and creative ?

Day 169: The last week was a bit weird. I felt happy about NF actually not being an issue at all for a few days and I did not crave it, so I masturbated willingly yesterday. I'll keep the counter around though, as I wrote before, so I don't happen to slack in bed. It gives me clarity. As a result, I feel like I can zero out on any thing in my life I'm doing and stop doing it, no matter what I think about it initially. On the other hand, I did not have any exercise the past 4 days. Something's up with my foot and I will have it checked out hopefully tomorrow. It's not immobilizing, but I think I rather not push it. I also felt like the past 4 days just flew by without me actually doing anything, when the fact was that I was simply going out - teaching, learning, socializing and helping around the house. It's too easy for me to justify not doing anything of too much importance after such events though, even if I have stuff planned for myself. As for today, I helped around the house, got Scrabble and Peterson in, including a lot of writing, thinking and reading. I also got the schedule done, so I would like to nail those things I had planned for myself for the next week. NF - 1 day

Yes, I think I mentioned that a few weeks ago as well. We have a limited amount of time and we can only do this much with it. I guess the important thing to realize is that healthy hobbies generally spread across time a lot more than addictions. It's not difficult to watch 70 hours of series during a week, but studying for 70 hours a week is impossible for most, and even if it was possible, I wouldn't think it would be efficient at all.

Day 168: I've been helping around the house in the morning and attended an English course during the afternoon, so I just decided to relax and write a bit in the evening. I'll try to just get organized tomorrow and plan the next week. NF - 0 days I think I'll keep the NF counter around and perhaps modify it a bit. My main gripe was staying in bed after waking up.

I think I see what you mean. I'm quite good at changing my environment already (maybe more than I'd like, as then I find I do not have the time and energy to do things that need to be done at home), so I'll continue to do that and see what happens. I think I am reasonably integrated and nowhere as much of a mess as I was a year ago, though I wonder how I will look at this post a year into the future! Thanks for the encouragement, I will continue to work for the good, whatever that is.

Hey! Thanks for the support. I think I am strong enough to persevere, finding a good date is a lottery - I just have to win once and I can't win if I don't play.

Day 167: I went to school today and had a good time. Then I had to deal with an unexpected tangent on Tinder. Once again, I got proven that total certainty that totalitarianism or nihilism provide is harmful. Everything can be interpreted in any way. NF - 7 days

Day 166: I wrote, watched some Peterson and did Duolingo today. In the evening, I went to a hockey match with my parents. I did not do much more than that today, I was just relaxing. NF - 6 days

Teaching went alright. I think I made the point that my students are more than welcome to work on their English at home and to bring forth ideas for topics they'd like to discuss, but I also made clear the fact that failing that, I will strive to make the class the most enjoyable for myself at least. I think sharing the responsibility for the class to be effective and enjoyable lies not only on me as the teacher, but also on the students. The discussion/seminar made me think about a few things: It made me think about my childhood, examining the roots of my addiction and how much of a role the education system played in that. It seems to be the case that education is largely predicated on obedience rather than voluntarism and that this kind of goes against the notion of a responsible individual. The world is fucked up and will always be and that's kind of the beauty of it, because you can always work to make it a little bit better. I thought of that and it gave me a strange sense of satisfaction after the seminar. I also thought of this article: https://markmanson.net/wrong-about-everything

Day 165: I taught, visited my grandma and attended a discussion/seminar about education and kids. The day was pretty great, I think I definitely got a lot to think about based on the events of today. NF - 5 days

Day 164: I got about 80% of the things I wanted to get done today, so that was good. I checked out something regarding my business, went through some bookmarks and read, on top of the more common activities I do every day. I'm planning a big update summing up my half a year without games. I was on Twitch on Day 145 for a bit after I finished my stream, but I never thought of visiting it since then. I think to make the update good (and perhaps something I can be proud of), I'll need to devote some time towards it daily (as I did with the letter for my ex a few months back - that actually turned into a well-written document about my current values) for at least a week. Writing primarily for the purposes of my own self-evaluation is quite demanding (I did not touch Self-Authoring since I got home and I did not do it on Iceland either), so I'll need to get into the habit. My agenda is already filled up with activities for the next three days, but I'll try to get after it. NF - 4 days So far, so good. I wonder how masturbation impacts the body chemistry.

Writing is indeed interesting, that's why I like to engage in stretched-out conversations with others. I don't think I am great at asking questions and pondering about them myself, so I try to look for cues in my environment to stir up my train of thought. It's generally why I keep the entries short. The headache is gone already. I rarely ever get it, so I know that I can give myself the "luxury" of taking it seriously and just take the rest of the day off.