Ikar

Day 190: I think I found out I am quite expert at dodging the most important stuff. Since Day 183, I think I put three hours total into those three things I want to get out of the way. What I do instead are less important things, like my languages, playing Scrabble or reading. I feel like I want to get the momentum going with these "easier" activities during the day, but I never get to the "tougher" ones.

I remember Peterson saying something along the lines of this: Every school/university limits your current potential, however it gives you more options later on once you're done with your studies and have your diploma. I think it works universally though, even though university is a nice clear cut example. Good luck, whatever your decisions are!

Welcome back, good effort at staying away from games! Be easy on yourself, so you don't have to give in to the things you've defined.

If I remember correctly, you were a proponent of not dating women at work, so I guess you want to meet dates outside of work. If that's still your strategy, you can use your experience with women from work as training and not feel bad about it. I also get up slower than I used to back when I was gaming. I always got up on the first alarm, no matter if I went to school, to work or even during the weekend. It doesn't get to ridiculous proportions, like sleeping in till lunchtime these days, but it's still difficult for me to create a compelling mix of fun/work to make me jump out of bed on a day off. It's true that my "basic maintenance" sometimes gets me spiraling towards something greater. On the ideal morning, I get up a few minutes after the alarm, get oat flakes with milk for breakfast + almonds and fruit and get rolling in about half an hour. Keep up the good work!

It really is, it's also great fun, if people cooperate at least a bit. All he uses for that is several small bouncy balls, a DVD player and movement. The rest is your knowledge of vocabulary and his knowledge to create a safe atmosphere within groups and mixing various exercises to make it work. My native language is Czech.

Day 189: Today was a good day. I was invited to some classes by a friend of mine who teaches English for about 20 years. He's using the method of flow to teach English, so I went to help him out a little and participate myself. I enjoy any lessons that are led by him. I'm in the business of teaching English for about a year. It's simply mind-boggling how can a trained professional tap into your energy being and make it so that you are leaving recharged and actually able to do something in the rest of your day, if you are willing to give it a chance and participate voluntarily. I think in some instances, you can even do it on your own, but I don't know much about it yet. I also watched an interesting one-man show locally, did my languages and watched a lecture by Sapolsky.

Day 188: I went to bed super early yesterday, as I had a persistent headache, so I've even forewent journaling. I didn't feel the best today either. I might've slacked on eating/drinking properly or it's just something random. All I got done was some basic self-maintenance.

A few years back, I did the MBTI twice and came out as INTP. I think I did it at the beginning of the detox too, but by that point, two of the letters changed (though I don't remember which), maybe because I wasn't such a shut-in anymore! I came across Big 5 at that time and it seems to have a better statement value than MBTI, though perhaps the more different assessment tests you take, the more reliable your results will be, if they actually correlate?

I think with time, you're gonna get your subconscious in line with your conscious regarding dating. It's been two weeks since you decided to stop using your time on gaming several hours a day and it takes time to re-adjust. So maybe from gaming 8 hours a day (where you maybe also included an hour long lunch break), you're gonna get to 5 hours of doing the things you like the most after gaming (hopefully not anything too compulsive), 2 hour of doing something that is more "useful" (school stuff, working out) and 1 hour for lunch. Take it easy ?

@Icandothis @awalkingcane Woke up only once during the night today, so it went a lot better! Day 186: I read a bit in the morning and went teaching. The lessons went fine and I had a pretty good conversation with my students. I went and visited the grandma and then I had to ride my car to the repair shop. I got home after that and wrote a little bit to my friends. It was a good day!

Day 185: I had a very weird phase of hyperactivity from yesterday afternoon until today afternoon. I also had unusually poor sleep for whatever reason. I wanted to even sleep in a little bit more, but I couldn't. So I got up and went on with my breakfast. After that, I meditated just by focusing on my breath for about 10 minutes. I think it was the first time I truly meditated since I got home from Iceland. I had a short English lesson in the morning and I followed that up with reading the book. After lunch, I sort of relaxed, browsing the web based on my interests. After that, my mom, brother, grandma and me went to the cemetery, visiting our late relatives once per year. In the evening, I played Scrabble, did my languages and prepared for classes tomorrow.

The trouble is, a lot of people today bank on debt and they don't even need to feel the scarcity of money, until executor confiscates their property. They also can't start saving, if they think there's nothing to save, even if they are debt-free. To truly make informed and perhaps bold decisions, where they can afford to leave their job for a while and perhaps look for something better, they need to have some kind of a financial cushion. It's really a horrible life of a man with no options otherwise.

Day 184: In the morning, I had an English class and rode on my bike. After I got home, I decided not to sit by the computer and I read instead. I ended up reading about 60 pages today. I made lunch afterwards and watched a discussion with Angela Duckworth. The most important part was the distinction between intentional and unintentional learning, there were 4 differences: intentional, problem solving, GOAL oriented - 100% focus - immediate feedback - reflection and trying over I guess it might be in line with the "deep work" concept I have heard and read about a bit before. I also worked on the uni assignment in the afternoon for about an hour, so that was good too. I also did my languages. I wrote a little bit today, but not into the report.

Day 183: I played Scrabble, watched rugby, raked leafs, did my languages, watched Sapolsky's lecture, sent out a few mails and prepared for my English class tomorrow. I have to get down to my Excel schoolwork, writing the report and money investment research (I got kind of bogged down in this).

I agree with @Icandothis that everyone has their own perspective. Everyone is wired differently. I'd say both "feeling alike" - emotional compassion and "thinking alike" - intellectual compassion are ways of relating to others. I'd plant myself firmly into the second realm, but I make sure my comments and insights are put in a manner that I don't give people advice, because everyone absolutely hates unsolicited advice, as I've already found out in my life.

Good for you on finding someone you can admire! You want to have a few people like that in your life, so that when you meet them, you are in a bit of an awe. I guess I met my ex on OKC (they've been doing their best to turn it into a browser version of Tinder recently, though people write their bios there more often), but it's been the same story with me. I share your opinion. Tinder's average in my area seems to be an 18-year old girl that looks good, but on pictures has facial expressions as if she was to die (or blank stares), a couple of "memes", no bio and if there's one, it's a variant of "I'm bored". I think my profile inversed to this average in all regards. Keeping the nihilism at bay. There are some nicely made profiles of women as well, but they are few and far between, generally in their mid 20s. In a way, I'm happy my profile is construed in such a way it keeps 99% girls away. Maybe there are sites for an older (and hopefully more mature) demographic? I don't worry about it too much though, as for dating, I think it's better for me to put more time into being outside, be it through hobbies, work or other events.

The trouble with that is, the power dynamic in the family is such that it would seem that my dad perceives both my mom and me in a subordinate way, every now and then perhaps showing a glimpse of genuine respect for who we are. It would also seem to me that I have a better relationship with my mom than my mom has with my dad. I know it sounds oedipal, but all I do for that is play Scrabble with her semi-daily and talk to her about how she's doing every couple of days. I also know she can't be a saint either, because you need two to make or break the relationship. I am trying to make her aware (and perhaps self-aware) of what I think by the talks I mentioned above. It's depressing. I wish they just had a better relationship. The influence of that would be unprecedented.

Day 182: I did a lot of thinking today, but unfortunately it really took me a lot of time to write something reasonable. I did Duolingo and played Scrabble. We had a family visit in the afternoon and in the evening we went to another stand-up comedy with my mom, my brother and his girlfriend. Today it felt like the day was gone in a snap. I had a simple thought recurring the past week. I realized there is not one thing do I that I couldn't quit. On the other hand, it's more difficult to get something started. Turning on the computer only when something really needs to be done relatively quickly (homework, emails etc.) could help me out in the future - remove some clutter and make the mind sharper. I'll keep this idea in mind.

Great post! I'm happy to share my perspective with you (and everyone else) regarding serious topics. It makes me think myself. One nice thing I noticed was that you stopped editing your posts out completely after you wrote them in a fit of rage. Keep up the good work!

What I was thinking of is that I am not in a very supportive environment when it comes to planning and I don't think I can ever get better in my home environment. I'd like to get better at scheduling, so I can actually push through some more difficult things that I'd love to procrastinate on. Mom's fine in that regard, but my dad is certainly not. The thing is, I can't reliably watch an hour two long lecture/film without the gnawing in the back of my head that I have to assist, drive or whatever else in moment's notice. I don't think it's a way to treat your employees if you are a boss, let alone your family members. And I'm not happy about that, at all, so I am beginning to show my teeth. I started keeping track of all the infractions where I am "on call" pulled somewhere by him. It boils down to this; I'm either a kid and I have to obey (more or less unconditionally) or I am an adult and I don't have to obey (as I pay rent). I think his expectations are unreasonable, as he wants both me to basically work at home and pay rent. On the other hand, I know he's very conscientious and wants everything to be perfect. I think his mistake is that he throws every single bit of it into the material world, blinded to the negative effects it has, even in the family circle. I'll try to consult the uni psychologist about that, as it's not an easy topic to resolve and I don't want to handle it too stupidly. Nice work! I think a lot of Cam's videos provide background on addiction. I think that was my main source within the first few weeks of quitting gaming. Yup, Nietzsche was certainly right, I think Peterson is saying the same thing as well. How else can you truly tell good from evil? You just need to know both and then discover your capability for both of them, but you truly need to be aware of that, otherwise you are weak and naive. I really enjoy reading Gulag Archipelago and not only for this reason. Imagine being one of the bad guys in history. Imagine being one of the bad guys today. Maybe only then, if you imagine it honestly, you have some resistance in you against these things, if they were to happen. Maybe.

I think you won just by getting such a reaction out of them. Imagine splitting your finances with someone with a behavior like this! My grandma always split or paid her share when she was out and that was back in the 50s/60s. Women had to go to work in the Eastern Bloc during that time. I think the general guideline is that the place for the first date should be public, but you can achieve that by meeting in a park with a few benches and some nice view, while grabbing coffee. It's certainly a better option, if you are worried about bleeding too much money. Besides, you are kind of "stuck" with each other's full attention, not distracted by food, noise or anything else.

@ConstantlyLost Could you quote out the exact part? I'm not sure if you mean the last paragraph "paragraph" or last paragraph "sentence" ? Yeah, it's good if you have at least someone to lean on, to empathize with what you're going through. In our early 20s, addiction is almost always a result of some pathological pattern in the family (be it neglect, abuse, missing parent or whatever else). On the bright side, you have option to learn not only for yourself, but also for everyone you know and can influence, since you are already aware of it. I guess you have this supreme responsibility especially towards your future kids. I'm quite used to living outside my family. Out of the last 39 months (since I got off of high school), I lived on various dorms for 24 months and overall I'm very happy about that experience, as it gave me some perspective. I did not bring my notebook when I was working in Iceland for the summer. It goes back to how your parents raised you, if you are gonna completely unravel outside of the family circle and become a drug addict, but you are no longer under such heavy influence of the patterns that have been imposed on you, so there is a chance you might start questioning them and start building better patterns for yourself, once you are reasonably independent. The self-discovery is rough. The state I am right now currently is that I know everything I do is sort of a grind (whether I perceive it as such depends on how much I enjoy doing those things), but I also know that doing nothing at all would be WAY worse. Whether you feel good (challenge/opportunity) or bad (nuisance) about what you currently do is your choice though. Related to that, you also want to feel good about doing things that are good and feel bad about things that are bad. And sometimes you just run into a situation where you are clueless about what's good and what's bad, you have to pick something anyway and only time will tell. I'll put a short Peterson video into the spoiler, where he discusses the fundamental (Buddhist) idea that "Life is suffering."

Day 181: Today was just school, Scrabble and some languages.

@ConstantlyLost It's a pretty harsh thing to say, but I only started caring about my family on a more serious level only after I quit gaming, both in what was good and what was wrong about it. I don't think the result of me (and my ex) unconsciously still using our parents' behaviors as "default" was surprising then. It's good to be aware of that now though. People hate unsolicited advice. This I learned as well. I mean, any addictive behavior you take part in basically means you hate yourself a little bit, want to make yourself miserable and perhaps eventually die. I also think it helps to confront addicts that the results of their self-destructive behavior also affect everyone around them. Yet, it's their decision to stop. I talk to mom every now and then about the more serious things, my dad hardly knows I am off games. I think my parents tried to bridge a great temperamental gap and that they (and I guess partly me) are paying for it in their marriage. There's more topics, like me moving out, but I have to sort that out in my head first. My ex's parents also felt like they were co-dependent. They even cheated on one another and somehow kept on living together. To spice it up, her mom and brother were addicts, she was really ashamed whenever I came in contact with them when they were under influence. I wonder how much this applied to mine, but objectively, at least drugs are not involved. I found out making paper/Excel plans involving other people generally get completely ignored. My ex wouldn't have anything to do with it (and I was actually willing to plan, even if I gamed double digit hours daily) and I guess it's better for my parents (especially dad) to always have me "on call" and disrespect my flow of time (I pay them rent already as well - that's why I am thinking of moving to the dorm too). I'll see how that goes, especially with finding a girl I click with temperamentally.

Day 180: I got up on the alarm, even if I had a "free" day. I watched a lecture by Robert Sapolsky who is sort of a behavioral biologist. I also did my languages, some paperwork and I wrote a bit of my report. I had a blast reading the 4th chapter in Gulag Archipelago. I went to the doctor's and the foot seems fine. I also pondered around a bit on finance blogs. I'm also thinking about the situation in my family. I felt a bit strange during the day. I did not know if I was pushing myself too hard to do my chores, or whether taking some leisure time was justified.