Ikar

It’s going to be a long post, since I will try to sum up my 7 months without games. I will try to compare it to the previous 7-8 months, which would approximately equate the time since I left the army, up until I decided to drop games. “A” will stand for after and “B” for before the time I quit games and “C” for commentary. “P” will stand for plan. Books: B: I remember reading “The Power of Now” by Tolle, a gift from my ex, and some pages from the “Four Hour Body” by Ferriss. I think this equates to about 200 pages. A: I read “12 Rules for Life” by Peterson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Manson, “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Manson, and “Gulag Archipelago” volume I by Solzhenitsyn. The total amount of pages read would be about 1300. ? I think I managed to gradually push book reading from random crash courses to habits, so when I read today, I read less but more often. The list doesn’t include readings for university. P: Keep on the habit of spending at least an hour a day with a book. Re-read some bits of “Models” and finish “Gulag Archipelago”. Languages: B: I had decent English (both written and spoken) by this point, as well as some basics of Russian. A: I think I expanded my English knowledge (growing) and my Russian as well (stasis). I started teaching myself more and visited some English seminars. ? It’s hard to gauge, but I think my English got a bit better. Russian got a bit better as well, mainly due to routine. P: Keep the Russian in stasis by spending 20 minutes a day on Duolingo. I’m more curious about looking up unknown vocab in English. Job: B: I was streaming full-time. I had a few classes here and there for English, but I think it’s hardly worth mentioning. I couldn’t hold a job. I positively disliked anything that wasn’t streaming/gaming. A: I’m up to some 10 hours a week, split into two days. It’s paid well enough, so I can live off that without going into negative numbers, while having accommodation, food and some fun. ? I’m quite happy with the state of things here. I don’t think I need to pick up more hours than this, simply because I don’t have too much use for even more money and I’d rather use that time elsewhere. Sometimes I feel anxiety, while presenting myself to people who are much older than I am. I think I’m learning to enjoy the feeling though. P: Maintain my current workload, perhaps slightly increase it over time, as I get more experience. Get some additional official paperwork done in the new year. It should help both with exposure and financially. Dating: B: I was with my ex. A: I haven’t been on a date since. ? I got complimented by a few of my older female acquaintances on that I behave responsibly these times. I don’t have issues sharing my past and I always appreciate different takes on it from others. I think I am more receptive of the signs women are giving me. I also think I know what behaviors in women I am after and if/how they differ from mine. P: The action plans/goals described in “Models” seem very solid. I’ll stick to that, as I don’t find anything impossible there. Family: B: I never felt overly close with it before. At some point back then, I remember uttering/writing something along the lines of that saying I loved my family was a phrase, something you have to say, no matter what. A: There were surprisingly two phases. At first, I stuck with it and was very close with mom. I had a secure place to get my life together, which was especially important in April/May, when I was at my lowest. After that though, I realized that a TON of my behaviors that sabotaged me were either learnt through my parents directly or through neglect, especially from father’s side. I had this click in my head, when I started analyzing the life situations of both my ex and me, mostly before I left for Iceland. ? I’m sad about the mom/dad dynamic. I’m not sad about how that affected me though. I’m sad about the fact that it seems to me as if they were together only so they are not alone. There’s a walloping difference between that and WANTING to be together. P: Maintain the relationships as they are, but assert myself, as I am currently doing by moving. I plan to visit my parents for lunches on weekends. University: B: I actually made all the exams I wanted easily and I had to pull only one all-nighter, shortly after the breakup. A: I think the difficulty ramped up a little, but I also got better at managing my time, so I can spread out studying/assignments better over longer spans of time. ? I feel like the university plays a staple, but secondary role in my life. I don’t love it, but I also don’t hate it. It’s alright. It will get more important once I am at the dorms, as I'll be more connected in the network. P: Finish the degree in about a year and a half. Join the uni's social life. Exercise/movement: B: I barely lifted a finger after I left the army. I lost a few kilos of muscle. A: I’m back on my army weight. I cycle short/medium distances. I am not too inclined to exercise when the weather outside is bad, since I don’t have a strict routine. ? I know weight is not all there’s to it, but I never set up any other measures to objectively evaluate my fitness. I’m skinny/fit. P: There is a gym on the dorms, so I will be using that for the winter. I’m also planning on joining some sports team. Thoughts, ideas and additional comments: I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly. I’m passively scanning for some opportunities to drum in some amateur band. I gained the ability to plan after I quit games. Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling. Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before. I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now. I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one. I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming. Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received. I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say. I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE. Thanks to everyone accompanying me on the journey. From the GQ bunch, that'd be @BooksandTrees , primarily because his comments are thought provoking and I enjoy being called out on my bullshit. Thanks also go to @Icandothis , @Phoenixking , @ConstantlyLost for support, as well as many others, who have commented in the past, but left the forum for a longer period.

Day 213: Teaching went fine and I am dead tired. No Ejaculation: 11 days left Daily female action: I chatted with one of the students after the last class, because there were, oddly enough, just the two of us, so I took it as an extension of the conversation we had in English.

Day 212: Teaching went fine, I think I handled one more volatile situation well enough, mainly through empathy and not taking things personally. I got home, ordered a few things and prepared for tomorrow. No Ejaculation: 12 days It was interesting to see how my brain worked during this little exercise. I walked around intently for about 15 minutes, practicing (borderline psychopathic) eye contact; not breaking it before the other person breaks it. I have no issues with that and in fact I "stared down" a random man from walking into me from a side. He gestured that my path is clear and I thanked him. What was more interesting that during these 15 minutes, it felt like I was only passing by men (not my target group) or talking pairs of women (anxiety?) and I seemingly wasn't able to find a good looking woman to ask her for the time. It was easier for me after leaving work. I was on my bike, spotted a woman walking in my direction and got off the bike. She was a foreigner, so I had to ask in English. She left me check her watch, I thanked her and continued cycling. Got it. Daily female action: Asked a random woman on the street what the time was.

Those are exactly my thoughts! I'm aware of the fact that I still have to study, so I will make sure I am caught up on uni work in the next 2 weeks, while I am still at home. I think I got the grip on at least the very basic time usage in my life in the past several months, so it shouldn't be a problem for me. Thanks for your post! It made me smile ?

Day 211: I told the whole family about my plan to move today on lunch. Other than that, I worked on my report for some time. It was a good day.

"Models" are his previous work from 2011. He started out as a PUA and coached other men later on, but realized that there's more to dating women than just saying a bunch of good lines and conversation techniques. In me, it resonated with the ideas Peterson presented, back when I was building my life back up and filling the holes left by gaming and my ex. It's definitely worth a read. It could very well be that porn for men (sexual/physical attraction) has the same function as dating apps (attention/desirability) for women, though it can also be love series (emotional connection) and it seems that female attraction is more varied. Nobody really wins in these scenarios though, unless the two decide to get up, get out there and meet. It's not that dating apps or porn are bad, it's just that the majority of one sex misuses them. I plan to live on the uni dorms, so I got that covered.

I mean, favor as it is it not a bad tool. For example, you drive your drunk friend home (now he owes you a favor) and he drives you home the next time and you are both happy you can trust each other. But I can relate to the idea of doing favors for my ex, and basically being emotionally blackmailed; I either got crammed into something I didn't want to do, "in the name of love" or had to deal with her anger. Favors only really work if you have a "scale" or keep track of them OR if you do them unconditionally and you already deeply trust that person. I enjoyed the time I was away from home. I did the math somewhere, but since I turned 19 up until now, I've been on my own more than in my parents' house. I'm quite hyped that I'll be on my own again. I'm okay seeing my parents every week/every other week for a lunch and a bit of chat myself. I find creating a family is not too much of an issue. Setting good directions for it is. It seems to me like any Game-Quitter by definition needs to have (and discover) pathological patterns in their family over time of their journey. It's terrifying, but I see that with any Game-Quitter here, if they are willing to share themselves emotionally/psychologically here. The clown analogy is a nice one. Being benevolently selfish seems like a good idea in this day and age. I think ejaculation is a need/process in a healthy male and period is a need/process in a healthy female. I'm not sure about females, but as a male, if you don't have sex/masturbation, you're gonna get a wet dream. I agree though that you can't get rid of the biology and that people are in trouble if they twin their biological needs with porn. Good! Let us know what are your findings ?

Day 210: I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected. I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation". Time to get serious.

Don't you ever forget that you should primarily focus on yourself. If I put the pieces together correctly, you were angry about going to one shut-in's wedding, so you didn't want to come, but you went there anyways in the end. I don't know if someone convinced you or if you convinced yourself, but you added it to the "stress" pile. Ultimately, you did it AND feel bad (stressed) about it, which was the worst of all 4 possibilities. I was guilty of this in the relationship with my ex. At the end of it, I basically derived all my identity from her (and gaming) and I'd mostly budge. It's what I've been conditioned to do. Be quiet and don't cause trouble. If you have to become an addict for it, we don't care (nobody said this to my face though). I consciously began my battle against all the "nice guy" beliefs I have ingrained in my behavior. It's also part of the reason I am moving in a few weeks. It sucks to write it, but I know I am consciously dismissive towards my father and I seek only the bare minimum level of interaction with him. I'm not hostile towards him, but whatever more important role he had in my life, it's time had passed. I'm sorry if your father chose the even more repulsive way of trying too hard to get your attention. As for porn, it's good that you're kicking the habit. I can't think of an excuse to using it, other than being genuinely curious about variations of sex, but for that you'd need a girlfriend already anyway. I'd say it's the worst way to deal with your sexuality. The killer issue is the sexual drive/masturbation balance. It would make sense if there was a balance point between behaving like an eunuch and being a guy who grabs women by their butts constantly. I consider sex to be integral to a relationship; it has to be there, even if "just" for the procreation. I think your therapist might help you straighten out the sexual anxiety, as well as your trust issues with women. Short term stress is also an interesting issue for me; I often don't even notice that I am treating myself below the norm. I try to escape from my problems through masturbating more often. My meals are inconsistent/I am not hungry. It helps me to realize that some sort of a rejection/failure is not the end of the world, that this couple of days just happens to suck, but that I'm overall doing well. Keep working on yourself and participating here! ?

Day 209: I had an interesting thought this morning. It's obvious, but I've attracted a few women before in the past, even if I was an addict. It still was a nice re-assuring moment. I've been reading Models: Attract Women Through Honesty for the past several days. I'm about halfway through the book, but I re-read some points to hammer them into my mind. Manson fundamentally makes the claim that good romantic relationships (along other things) are a byproduct of a good, honest approach towards both yourself and others. I didn't really exercise the past week, so today I at least walked around the suburbs for an hour. I also spent some time on my uni homework. I have a plan to finish all my uni assignments before the time I move + the big report (that's way overdue). Other than that, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Day 208: I walked around the city center today for a couple of hours. First, I met with the uni psychologist. I am not dealing with something "acutely" and I was thinking more in the lines of prevention, so she gave me contacts to psychotherapists. I think I might be a bit paranoid when it comes to prevention (making myself at least aware of bad things I wasn't aware of before), but I've had myself not notice being a game addict for a long time. I tried to gather some info on how running an official business works later, but I got contradictory information, so I think it'll be better to find someone who's already doing the same thing that I do and ask them. I also decided to move to the uni dorms in the city center today in a few weeks. It's gonna cost me more money, but I'll be independent and I'll be able to find/enroll into some cool events/hobbies and build up some social life outside of work and weekly uni classes, because I have none otherwise.

Day 207: I had a day off to unwind today. I read in the morning, wrote and watched Black Adder. After lunch, I got one homework done for uni and did Duolingo. I had a short English teaching session in the evening. I tackled some emails in the evening as well. It was a reasonably productive day, despite the fact I felt strange today.

I think these realizations are as horrid as they are vital. Addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger mental problems. What's even worse is to realize your parents and your partner will try to dissipate the little bit of self-respect you've built up over the past two months. They do NOT like that they no longer control you to the extent they once did. Perhaps what strikes you as unfathomable today is that some of the people close to you/you yourself might sever the ties between the two of you. It might be permanent. But the trade-off is that you'll be able to respect yourself and have people around you who respect you. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot of overlap between what @BooksandTrees and I wrote and what you discuss with your therapist. Keep up the great work!

Haha, now you're definitely in for the long run! ? Keep up the good work ?

Day 206: I got up on time today. It took me more than half an hour to stuff the breakfast down my throat, however I managed it in the end. I read a bit of Models by for about an hour then. I started with a Skype lesson and then I went teaching outside. I had two solo classes with a single woman through sheer randomness. Both of them reacted well, in an extroverted, playful and reciprocal manner. One of them I found attractive, however shortly into the introduction, she mentioned being freshly married. I took it at face value, as for a short while, I had the idea I'd ask her out on a date after the class, but I managed to get my answer to that question regardless. Two days into reading Models by Manson and one day before the above happened, I wrote this to my friend: I think English teaching as it is now, puts me into the zone of proximal development. I still get a bit nervous and create incoherent or overly complicated sentences, but it's just practice at this point. I could've had a toddler manipulate me just several months ago. Nowadays I can unapologetically state what am I about and what I believe, without fear of rejection. I really had a great day today and I'm still not sure where my upper limit for extroversion is.

I generally do my Russian casually, while I blast some punk tunes, so I wave my torso to the tunes and mumble Russian words. Simpsons work too. Black Adder can also be relaxing, but sometimes I decide to go after the few words that eluded me and I don't know the meaning of.

Day 205: I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.

Day 204: I started watching Black Adder. It's quite fun and sometimes I have to look up words. I also read quite a bit of "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's intriguing and I feel like there are some overlaps of things I've came about after quitting games that I want to prioritize. I also wrote some feedback for classes of my teacher. I also feel calmer at the end of the day.

Happy birthday! I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most. Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.

This week was quite swingy. I basically received my first workplace rejection, but it seems like I will get more opportunities. I wrote and read more than usual. I feel nervous, I get chills, I sweat and I struggle more with staying in bed during the morning/masturbation. Despite that, I don't think the amount of work I did decreased in the last few days, but just I don't feel as self-assured as I was before. Things are going to get better if I ensure they get better.

I missed an entry yesterday, just because I journal as the last thing during the day and I happened to turn off the computer before I wrote an entry ? Day 202: Yesterday was interesting. I was at school, talked to a few new people and it seems like I might get just enough hours to teach English with my new contract. Day 203: I finished Gulag Archipelago volume I today. I spent a part of the afternoon on planning my schedule for the next week, as well as on some emails and paperwork. The play in the evening was a fine one as well, shame the series is over already.

Day 201: I got up a bit later, had my breakfast, read the book and wrote. I went shopping afterwards and went to an interview, hopefully getting me a few more hours of English teaching per week. I did a bit of research and I decided to get the paperwork done on Monday, so I can officially start my business teaching English. It's been 2 months since I got back from Iceland and I read about 500 pages from the first volume of Gulag Archipelago and I expect to finish it in the next few days.

Day 200: I got up quite late. I did my emails/paperwork, reading and went to visit my grandma for lunch and a long chat. I relaxed during the evening and just played Scrabble. It was a fine recovery day.

Most offers for English teaching I had to turn down, simply because it too often put me into a situation where I had to drive from my suburbs into the city center. It usually turned out to be an hour long drive by car and teaching for an hour and a half. The same goes for cultural, school, sport and other events. I want to be more around and with people. If I am not, it makes me miss my ex and streaming. I really had no issues streaming 50 hours a week for example. I think I can nail my increasing demand for both work and socialization/affiliation by moving to the dorms in the city center. The dorms on their own are fairly inexpensive, and although I would expect to spend more money on various events, I think it would balance out with increased income from teaching. I'm happy I can point my finger on my issues at this point. I'm visiting a uni psychologist the next week, mainly to see if I am something in my behavior completely unaware of, rather than having any urgent issues that would be driving me crazy. I think I got myself together pretty well. I read, I write, I study on a regular basis and my depressive bouts disappeared completely since I quit gaming/Twitch. Thanks for the support ?

Day 199: I had a strange day. The first half of it went like yesterday. Then I got a call, finding out my English teaching Wednesdays are getting canceled. I tried to shake it off immediately, but I couldn't find anything I would be interested in doing, while at the same time it being important to me. So, I take my productive half of the day, where I did all of my baseline stuff, let the night take care of the "problem" and turn it into an "opportunity". For one, it makes my potential plan for moving easier. A few days ago, I decided, after about half a year, to write a guy I know online since 2013, whom through the wonders of Internet, managed to find and write with my ex independently of me. He wrote me she had another relationship that ended and that she thinks she's incapable of loving anyone. I'm grateful to say I have the opposite opinion about myself. I think I have love to give and an appropriate toolkit to create sustainable relationships.