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Ikar

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  1. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 217: I went to visit my friend's English classes as a student/support this time. It was pretty intense to be an active student for about 9 hours. In one class, translated his sentences for like half an hour straight. Full focus, trying to stay dead on in the interpretation. It was great, but very exhausting. Daily comfort zone/female action: Day 214 had the night club party. Day 215 had nothing. Day 216 had me walking around the shopping mall with a straight back, looking people in the eye for about half an hour. Today had probably the most botched invitation for a date. I enjoyed talking to one girl quite a bit for several minutes, so she left a good impression on me and looked nice as well. She was in a hurry though and seemed to be even in a more of a hurry after I raised this suggestion. But you know what, I'll take it. I got started on this after several months and my actions show me I am serious about dating (or at the very least about having sex).
  2. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I feel more energetic as a result of not ejaculating. I practice non-ejaculatory orgasms. I think it primes me towards being more sexual and increases my stamina, though that's speculative. Myself, I am fine with two beers or two shots to get me a bit more courageous. I'm going there to meet people, not to pass out and waste money. I plan on visiting potentially less expensive meetups as well. I think the prime time to be in a club is between 22-01. After that, basic lack of food/water starts to kick in heavily and the experience is not as enjoyable anymore.
  3. People are people, I think we can really click with a small percentage at any given time. Truth to be told, I don't even think that we need or can manage more than a few or a couple of genuine friends in our lives at the same time, so don't worry if you scanned through hundreds of people and only a few of them stuck. That's normal. As for your IRL friends, if they are all like you described, you have to realize you made those friendships when you were addicted and that they might not give you what you need these days. You can try to confront them about what you think you need/want from your common relationship nowadays and see if they accept, but I'd expect most of them would just drop you. It doesn't make sense to keep phony going, if you think they are phony already. Regarding the GQ community, people not responding to you doesn't imply that it's your fault. At the beginning, I was worried a bit about spending too much time on GQ YT/forum. Later on, it sucked to lose some people I knew here as time passed by, but I can't imagine being THE deal-breaker for someone's addiction. In fact, if I was that, it'd be quite horrifying, because that'd mean I basically control the other person's life. This sort of thing is hard to justify even in the closest romantic relationship, let alone some random Internet forum. Be smart with whom you support, if you expect serious feedback. Set yourself up for success. @Vera above might have a point. I think you are becoming a workaholic. Work. Games. Drugs. Being a willow. If you invest yourself just into one thing too heavily, it will devour you. I'm trying to apply the principle of "benevolent selfishness". As long as I don't end up consciously punching or screwing around someone too hard, I think I am good to go. As a former "Nice Guy", I had to become a bit more selfish, just because otherwise I'd end up being used all the time. I think you feel angry, because you think you share yourself a lot more than others share themselves for you. Give less of a damn about others and more of a damn about yourself, because it's obvious you don't do that. Bathe, eat well... @Vera is again on point in this. I love to see you are writing bluntly.
  4. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Time to report three days in a row. 214 was party time, 215 was report time and 216 is today. Using my Excel schedule to pull some data. Day 214: I went to the shop in the morning. I nailed some mails and I also actually got around to my drums after three years to play a bit. I wrote a part of my 210 days report and visited my grandma. I went to a party in a club afterwards. I thought a friend of mine was going there as well, but he didn't come in the end. I didn't know anyone there, so I met a couple of people and talked to them to at least get me started. I had a good chat with one of the guys for about an hour and we might meet again. The rest of the evening, I changed groups of people, sometimes saying something myself and sometimes just listening to them. I also danced. I even approached a few girls to dance with me and although one accepted, it didn't progress past that. Beginnings are hard, haha! I'll have to do this more times to see how the nightclub environment suits me. It was a good experience for the first time I did this. Day 215: I watched the 1976 Network. It was a pretty raw film, I enjoyed it. I think it's even more actual than it was 43 years before, back when TV basically had a monopoly on in-home entertainment. It shows the shift from serious news coverage to sensation hunting. I finished my report above. I started watching Black Adder series 4 as well. I also read a bit of the Gulag Archipelago volume II. Both those days above I felt high energy, but low focus to get something done. Day 216: I went to school today. We discussed a few interesting ideas from psychology, so it was stimulating and I had a good time. Some of my family and I went to the cinema to see Ford v Ferrari. It was a nice film, based on historic events. No Ejaculation: 8 days left (10 days done)
  5. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I think it's a shame more people here don't do this kind of thing, with almost 10k subs on YT and 2.7k here on the forums. They could see the stark contrast over a couple of months. "Anxiety, almost by its very definition, represents a high level of investment of your identity in the opinion of others." - Mark Manson I think my anxiety levels have gone down. Unless I am physically/psychically consciously torturing someone, I'm basically free to do whatever I want. I think in the past, in the army, I based too much of my identity off of others. If they felt shitty, I felt shitty too. I was too malleable. Once I made enough money than I knew what to do with, I decided to do the logical thing to quit if I feel shitty about my job. As for dating, but relationships in general, I realized I am intrigued by people with opinions, even if I don't have to agree with them, and especially if I happen to resonate with their experience. I sort of chickened out putting this into the text, but I think I'm about to meet a bunch of people in a couple of weeks and I need a simple heuristic for women I could possibly date. Yes/No. Up until I actually happen to approach a woman and talk to her, I can't evaluate her on anything else but physical attractiveness. I feel like I have to combat my sexual anxiety at times, but it's probably gonna take me some time to fully grasp this concept, as I only recently stopped hiding behind dating apps and started doing something in person. To be blunt, you can always have a woman in your life. The question is, how much of your identity are you ready to sacrifice for/invest in her? We change all the time anyway, so we might as well change in a good manner! Thanks to both of you for your comments ?
  6. I think Cam wrote in the guidelines that everyone should comment at least on 3 other people's topics after posting theirs. I think people quitting quitting gaming has another reason though. Mainly because anything you start, you are bound to be bad at it. People don't like that and it's unlikely one gets through this phase. It's an interesting observation.
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    It’s going to be a long post, since I will try to sum up my 7 months without games. I will try to compare it to the previous 7-8 months, which would approximately equate the time since I left the army, up until I decided to drop games. “A” will stand for after and “B” for before the time I quit games and “C” for commentary. “P” will stand for plan. Books: B: I remember reading “The Power of Now” by Tolle, a gift from my ex, and some pages from the “Four Hour Body” by Ferriss. I think this equates to about 200 pages. A: I read “12 Rules for Life” by Peterson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Manson, “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” by Manson, and “Gulag Archipelago” volume I by Solzhenitsyn. The total amount of pages read would be about 1300. ? I think I managed to gradually push book reading from random crash courses to habits, so when I read today, I read less but more often. The list doesn’t include readings for university. P: Keep on the habit of spending at least an hour a day with a book. Re-read some bits of “Models” and finish “Gulag Archipelago”. Languages: B: I had decent English (both written and spoken) by this point, as well as some basics of Russian. A: I think I expanded my English knowledge (growing) and my Russian as well (stasis). I started teaching myself more and visited some English seminars. ? It’s hard to gauge, but I think my English got a bit better. Russian got a bit better as well, mainly due to routine. P: Keep the Russian in stasis by spending 20 minutes a day on Duolingo. I’m more curious about looking up unknown vocab in English. Job: B: I was streaming full-time. I had a few classes here and there for English, but I think it’s hardly worth mentioning. I couldn’t hold a job. I positively disliked anything that wasn’t streaming/gaming. A: I’m up to some 10 hours a week, split into two days. It’s paid well enough, so I can live off that without going into negative numbers, while having accommodation, food and some fun. ? I’m quite happy with the state of things here. I don’t think I need to pick up more hours than this, simply because I don’t have too much use for even more money and I’d rather use that time elsewhere. Sometimes I feel anxiety, while presenting myself to people who are much older than I am. I think I’m learning to enjoy the feeling though. P: Maintain my current workload, perhaps slightly increase it over time, as I get more experience. Get some additional official paperwork done in the new year. It should help both with exposure and financially. Dating: B: I was with my ex. A: I haven’t been on a date since. ? I got complimented by a few of my older female acquaintances on that I behave responsibly these times. I don’t have issues sharing my past and I always appreciate different takes on it from others. I think I am more receptive of the signs women are giving me. I also think I know what behaviors in women I am after and if/how they differ from mine. P: The action plans/goals described in “Models” seem very solid. I’ll stick to that, as I don’t find anything impossible there. Family: B: I never felt overly close with it before. At some point back then, I remember uttering/writing something along the lines of that saying I loved my family was a phrase, something you have to say, no matter what. A: There were surprisingly two phases. At first, I stuck with it and was very close with mom. I had a secure place to get my life together, which was especially important in April/May, when I was at my lowest. After that though, I realized that a TON of my behaviors that sabotaged me were either learnt through my parents directly or through neglect, especially from father’s side. I had this click in my head, when I started analyzing the life situations of both my ex and me, mostly before I left for Iceland. ? I’m sad about the mom/dad dynamic. I’m not sad about how that affected me though. I’m sad about the fact that it seems to me as if they were together only so they are not alone. There’s a walloping difference between that and WANTING to be together. P: Maintain the relationships as they are, but assert myself, as I am currently doing by moving. I plan to visit my parents for lunches on weekends. University: B: I actually made all the exams I wanted easily and I had to pull only one all-nighter, shortly after the breakup. A: I think the difficulty ramped up a little, but I also got better at managing my time, so I can spread out studying/assignments better over longer spans of time. ? I feel like the university plays a staple, but secondary role in my life. I don’t love it, but I also don’t hate it. It’s alright. It will get more important once I am at the dorms, as I'll be more connected in the network. P: Finish the degree in about a year and a half. Join the uni's social life. Exercise/movement: B: I barely lifted a finger after I left the army. I lost a few kilos of muscle. A: I’m back on my army weight. I cycle short/medium distances. I am not too inclined to exercise when the weather outside is bad, since I don’t have a strict routine. ? I know weight is not all there’s to it, but I never set up any other measures to objectively evaluate my fitness. I’m skinny/fit. P: There is a gym on the dorms, so I will be using that for the winter. I’m also planning on joining some sports team. Thoughts, ideas and additional comments: I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly. I’m passively scanning for some opportunities to drum in some amateur band. I gained the ability to plan after I quit games. Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling. Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before. I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now. I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one. I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming. Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received. I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say. I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE. Thanks to everyone accompanying me on the journey. From the GQ bunch, that'd be @BooksandTrees , primarily because his comments are thought provoking and I enjoy being called out on my bullshit. Thanks also go to @Icandothis , @Phoenixking , @ConstantlyLost for support, as well as many others, who have commented in the past, but left the forum for a longer period.
  8. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 213: Teaching went fine and I am dead tired. No Ejaculation: 11 days left Daily female action: I chatted with one of the students after the last class, because there were, oddly enough, just the two of us, so I took it as an extension of the conversation we had in English.
  9. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 212: Teaching went fine, I think I handled one more volatile situation well enough, mainly through empathy and not taking things personally. I got home, ordered a few things and prepared for tomorrow. No Ejaculation: 12 days It was interesting to see how my brain worked during this little exercise. I walked around intently for about 15 minutes, practicing (borderline psychopathic) eye contact; not breaking it before the other person breaks it. I have no issues with that and in fact I "stared down" a random man from walking into me from a side. He gestured that my path is clear and I thanked him. What was more interesting that during these 15 minutes, it felt like I was only passing by men (not my target group) or talking pairs of women (anxiety?) and I seemingly wasn't able to find a good looking woman to ask her for the time. It was easier for me after leaving work. I was on my bike, spotted a woman walking in my direction and got off the bike. She was a foreigner, so I had to ask in English. She left me check her watch, I thanked her and continued cycling. Got it. Daily female action: Asked a random woman on the street what the time was.
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Those are exactly my thoughts! I'm aware of the fact that I still have to study, so I will make sure I am caught up on uni work in the next 2 weeks, while I am still at home. I think I got the grip on at least the very basic time usage in my life in the past several months, so it shouldn't be a problem for me. Thanks for your post! It made me smile ?
  11. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 211: I told the whole family about my plan to move today on lunch. Other than that, I worked on my report for some time. It was a good day.
  12. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    "Models" are his previous work from 2011. He started out as a PUA and coached other men later on, but realized that there's more to dating women than just saying a bunch of good lines and conversation techniques. In me, it resonated with the ideas Peterson presented, back when I was building my life back up and filling the holes left by gaming and my ex. It's definitely worth a read. It could very well be that porn for men (sexual/physical attraction) has the same function as dating apps (attention/desirability) for women, though it can also be love series (emotional connection) and it seems that female attraction is more varied. Nobody really wins in these scenarios though, unless the two decide to get up, get out there and meet. It's not that dating apps or porn are bad, it's just that the majority of one sex misuses them. I plan to live on the uni dorms, so I got that covered.
  13. I mean, favor as it is it not a bad tool. For example, you drive your drunk friend home (now he owes you a favor) and he drives you home the next time and you are both happy you can trust each other. But I can relate to the idea of doing favors for my ex, and basically being emotionally blackmailed; I either got crammed into something I didn't want to do, "in the name of love" or had to deal with her anger. Favors only really work if you have a "scale" or keep track of them OR if you do them unconditionally and you already deeply trust that person. I enjoyed the time I was away from home. I did the math somewhere, but since I turned 19 up until now, I've been on my own more than in my parents' house. I'm quite hyped that I'll be on my own again. I'm okay seeing my parents every week/every other week for a lunch and a bit of chat myself. I find creating a family is not too much of an issue. Setting good directions for it is. It seems to me like any Game-Quitter by definition needs to have (and discover) pathological patterns in their family over time of their journey. It's terrifying, but I see that with any Game-Quitter here, if they are willing to share themselves emotionally/psychologically here. The clown analogy is a nice one. Being benevolently selfish seems like a good idea in this day and age. I think ejaculation is a need/process in a healthy male and period is a need/process in a healthy female. I'm not sure about females, but as a male, if you don't have sex/masturbation, you're gonna get a wet dream. I agree though that you can't get rid of the biology and that people are in trouble if they twin their biological needs with porn. Good! Let us know what are your findings ?
  14. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 210: I've finished Manson's Models today. Reading (and sometimes re-reading and taking notes) about 300 pages in under a week, I have to say it was an intriguing read, it mostly went along my line of thinking (the importance of polarization in various endeavors) and connected a bunch of dots for me I didn't expect to be connected. I disabled OKC today and deleted Tinder a few days ago. I'm planning to nail all the work for uni in the next 2 weeks, before I move. I expect some 30 hours of work to be done with the various assignments. I also commit myself to 2 week long "no ejaculation". Time to get serious.
  15. Don't you ever forget that you should primarily focus on yourself. If I put the pieces together correctly, you were angry about going to one shut-in's wedding, so you didn't want to come, but you went there anyways in the end. I don't know if someone convinced you or if you convinced yourself, but you added it to the "stress" pile. Ultimately, you did it AND feel bad (stressed) about it, which was the worst of all 4 possibilities. I was guilty of this in the relationship with my ex. At the end of it, I basically derived all my identity from her (and gaming) and I'd mostly budge. It's what I've been conditioned to do. Be quiet and don't cause trouble. If you have to become an addict for it, we don't care (nobody said this to my face though). I consciously began my battle against all the "nice guy" beliefs I have ingrained in my behavior. It's also part of the reason I am moving in a few weeks. It sucks to write it, but I know I am consciously dismissive towards my father and I seek only the bare minimum level of interaction with him. I'm not hostile towards him, but whatever more important role he had in my life, it's time had passed. I'm sorry if your father chose the even more repulsive way of trying too hard to get your attention. As for porn, it's good that you're kicking the habit. I can't think of an excuse to using it, other than being genuinely curious about variations of sex, but for that you'd need a girlfriend already anyway. I'd say it's the worst way to deal with your sexuality. The killer issue is the sexual drive/masturbation balance. It would make sense if there was a balance point between behaving like an eunuch and being a guy who grabs women by their butts constantly. I consider sex to be integral to a relationship; it has to be there, even if "just" for the procreation. I think your therapist might help you straighten out the sexual anxiety, as well as your trust issues with women. Short term stress is also an interesting issue for me; I often don't even notice that I am treating myself below the norm. I try to escape from my problems through masturbating more often. My meals are inconsistent/I am not hungry. It helps me to realize that some sort of a rejection/failure is not the end of the world, that this couple of days just happens to suck, but that I'm overall doing well. Keep working on yourself and participating here! ?
  16. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 209: I had an interesting thought this morning. It's obvious, but I've attracted a few women before in the past, even if I was an addict. It still was a nice re-assuring moment. I've been reading Models: Attract Women Through Honesty for the past several days. I'm about halfway through the book, but I re-read some points to hammer them into my mind. Manson fundamentally makes the claim that good romantic relationships (along other things) are a byproduct of a good, honest approach towards both yourself and others. I didn't really exercise the past week, so today I at least walked around the suburbs for an hour. I also spent some time on my uni homework. I have a plan to finish all my uni assignments before the time I move + the big report (that's way overdue). Other than that, nothing was out of the ordinary.
  17. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 208: I walked around the city center today for a couple of hours. First, I met with the uni psychologist. I am not dealing with something "acutely" and I was thinking more in the lines of prevention, so she gave me contacts to psychotherapists. I think I might be a bit paranoid when it comes to prevention (making myself at least aware of bad things I wasn't aware of before), but I've had myself not notice being a game addict for a long time. I tried to gather some info on how running an official business works later, but I got contradictory information, so I think it'll be better to find someone who's already doing the same thing that I do and ask them. I also decided to move to the uni dorms in the city center today in a few weeks. It's gonna cost me more money, but I'll be independent and I'll be able to find/enroll into some cool events/hobbies and build up some social life outside of work and weekly uni classes, because I have none otherwise.
  18. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 207: I had a day off to unwind today. I read in the morning, wrote and watched Black Adder. After lunch, I got one homework done for uni and did Duolingo. I had a short English teaching session in the evening. I tackled some emails in the evening as well. It was a reasonably productive day, despite the fact I felt strange today.
  19. I think these realizations are as horrid as they are vital. Addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger mental problems. What's even worse is to realize your parents and your partner will try to dissipate the little bit of self-respect you've built up over the past two months. They do NOT like that they no longer control you to the extent they once did. Perhaps what strikes you as unfathomable today is that some of the people close to you/you yourself might sever the ties between the two of you. It might be permanent. But the trade-off is that you'll be able to respect yourself and have people around you who respect you. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot of overlap between what @BooksandTrees and I wrote and what you discuss with your therapist. Keep up the great work!
  20. Haha, now you're definitely in for the long run! ? Keep up the good work ?
  21. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 206: I got up on time today. It took me more than half an hour to stuff the breakfast down my throat, however I managed it in the end. I read a bit of Models by for about an hour then. I started with a Skype lesson and then I went teaching outside. I had two solo classes with a single woman through sheer randomness. Both of them reacted well, in an extroverted, playful and reciprocal manner. One of them I found attractive, however shortly into the introduction, she mentioned being freshly married. I took it at face value, as for a short while, I had the idea I'd ask her out on a date after the class, but I managed to get my answer to that question regardless. Two days into reading Models by Manson and one day before the above happened, I wrote this to my friend: I think English teaching as it is now, puts me into the zone of proximal development. I still get a bit nervous and create incoherent or overly complicated sentences, but it's just practice at this point. I could've had a toddler manipulate me just several months ago. Nowadays I can unapologetically state what am I about and what I believe, without fear of rejection. I really had a great day today and I'm still not sure where my upper limit for extroversion is.
  22. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I generally do my Russian casually, while I blast some punk tunes, so I wave my torso to the tunes and mumble Russian words. Simpsons work too. Black Adder can also be relaxing, but sometimes I decide to go after the few words that eluded me and I don't know the meaning of.
  23. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 205: I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.
  24. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 204: I started watching Black Adder. It's quite fun and sometimes I have to look up words. I also read quite a bit of "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's intriguing and I feel like there are some overlaps of things I've came about after quitting games that I want to prioritize. I also wrote some feedback for classes of my teacher. I also feel calmer at the end of the day.
  25. Happy birthday! I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most. Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.
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