Ikar

Day 207: I had a day off to unwind today. I read in the morning, wrote and watched Black Adder. After lunch, I got one homework done for uni and did Duolingo. I had a short English teaching session in the evening. I tackled some emails in the evening as well. It was a reasonably productive day, despite the fact I felt strange today.

I think these realizations are as horrid as they are vital. Addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger mental problems. What's even worse is to realize your parents and your partner will try to dissipate the little bit of self-respect you've built up over the past two months. They do NOT like that they no longer control you to the extent they once did. Perhaps what strikes you as unfathomable today is that some of the people close to you/you yourself might sever the ties between the two of you. It might be permanent. But the trade-off is that you'll be able to respect yourself and have people around you who respect you. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot of overlap between what @BooksandTrees and I wrote and what you discuss with your therapist. Keep up the great work!

Haha, now you're definitely in for the long run! ? Keep up the good work ?

Day 206: I got up on time today. It took me more than half an hour to stuff the breakfast down my throat, however I managed it in the end. I read a bit of Models by for about an hour then. I started with a Skype lesson and then I went teaching outside. I had two solo classes with a single woman through sheer randomness. Both of them reacted well, in an extroverted, playful and reciprocal manner. One of them I found attractive, however shortly into the introduction, she mentioned being freshly married. I took it at face value, as for a short while, I had the idea I'd ask her out on a date after the class, but I managed to get my answer to that question regardless. Two days into reading Models by Manson and one day before the above happened, I wrote this to my friend: I think English teaching as it is now, puts me into the zone of proximal development. I still get a bit nervous and create incoherent or overly complicated sentences, but it's just practice at this point. I could've had a toddler manipulate me just several months ago. Nowadays I can unapologetically state what am I about and what I believe, without fear of rejection. I really had a great day today and I'm still not sure where my upper limit for extroversion is.

I generally do my Russian casually, while I blast some punk tunes, so I wave my torso to the tunes and mumble Russian words. Simpsons work too. Black Adder can also be relaxing, but sometimes I decide to go after the few words that eluded me and I don't know the meaning of.

Day 205: I was teaching for 5 hours today, I also visited my grandma, so the day was fairly busy and exhausting. I pretty much relaxed in the evening, wrote a bit with friends and did Russian.

Day 204: I started watching Black Adder. It's quite fun and sometimes I have to look up words. I also read quite a bit of "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's intriguing and I feel like there are some overlaps of things I've came about after quitting games that I want to prioritize. I also wrote some feedback for classes of my teacher. I also feel calmer at the end of the day.

Happy birthday! I was going to write in more detail, but I think it's gonna be better if I share some interesting ideas/concepts I'm currently researching or figuring out myself: lack of sex/masturbation is not fatal - they're just tools for needs, attachment theory with 4 attachment types, always investing in yourself the most. Keep up the good work and keep on discovering internal contradictions in yourself.

This week was quite swingy. I basically received my first workplace rejection, but it seems like I will get more opportunities. I wrote and read more than usual. I feel nervous, I get chills, I sweat and I struggle more with staying in bed during the morning/masturbation. Despite that, I don't think the amount of work I did decreased in the last few days, but just I don't feel as self-assured as I was before. Things are going to get better if I ensure they get better.

I missed an entry yesterday, just because I journal as the last thing during the day and I happened to turn off the computer before I wrote an entry ? Day 202: Yesterday was interesting. I was at school, talked to a few new people and it seems like I might get just enough hours to teach English with my new contract. Day 203: I finished Gulag Archipelago volume I today. I spent a part of the afternoon on planning my schedule for the next week, as well as on some emails and paperwork. The play in the evening was a fine one as well, shame the series is over already.

Day 201: I got up a bit later, had my breakfast, read the book and wrote. I went shopping afterwards and went to an interview, hopefully getting me a few more hours of English teaching per week. I did a bit of research and I decided to get the paperwork done on Monday, so I can officially start my business teaching English. It's been 2 months since I got back from Iceland and I read about 500 pages from the first volume of Gulag Archipelago and I expect to finish it in the next few days.

Day 200: I got up quite late. I did my emails/paperwork, reading and went to visit my grandma for lunch and a long chat. I relaxed during the evening and just played Scrabble. It was a fine recovery day.

Most offers for English teaching I had to turn down, simply because it too often put me into a situation where I had to drive from my suburbs into the city center. It usually turned out to be an hour long drive by car and teaching for an hour and a half. The same goes for cultural, school, sport and other events. I want to be more around and with people. If I am not, it makes me miss my ex and streaming. I really had no issues streaming 50 hours a week for example. I think I can nail my increasing demand for both work and socialization/affiliation by moving to the dorms in the city center. The dorms on their own are fairly inexpensive, and although I would expect to spend more money on various events, I think it would balance out with increased income from teaching. I'm happy I can point my finger on my issues at this point. I'm visiting a uni psychologist the next week, mainly to see if I am something in my behavior completely unaware of, rather than having any urgent issues that would be driving me crazy. I think I got myself together pretty well. I read, I write, I study on a regular basis and my depressive bouts disappeared completely since I quit gaming/Twitch. Thanks for the support ?

Day 199: I had a strange day. The first half of it went like yesterday. Then I got a call, finding out my English teaching Wednesdays are getting canceled. I tried to shake it off immediately, but I couldn't find anything I would be interested in doing, while at the same time it being important to me. So, I take my productive half of the day, where I did all of my baseline stuff, let the night take care of the "problem" and turn it into an "opportunity". For one, it makes my potential plan for moving easier. A few days ago, I decided, after about half a year, to write a guy I know online since 2013, whom through the wonders of Internet, managed to find and write with my ex independently of me. He wrote me she had another relationship that ended and that she thinks she's incapable of loving anyone. I'm grateful to say I have the opposite opinion about myself. I think I have love to give and an appropriate toolkit to create sustainable relationships.

Day 198: I had an extremely productive day. I read, wrote, worked out, rode my bicycle, taught English and ran multiple other errands too. Naturally, I feel fairly tired after all this. I think that overall, I need to write more and read more. Today would be the perfect example of where I pulled that off majestically.

It's an interesting thing to realize that while quitting games is a huge step on its own, you also have to appreciate all the work that lead you to that point of quitting. I think it's the same as with appreciating the work that you do afterwards. 1% gradual change every day, forever.

Day 197: In the morning, I watched Joe Rogan's interview with Edward Snowden. It was almost a three hour interview, it felt like bit of a shame that I couldn't really discuss the matters they mentioned during the show. We went to a hockey match in the afternoon. I spent the evening reading about the "flow" state and writing with friends. I ran a few errands during the day.

Day 196: I had a good day today. I watched the rugby finals in the morning, got a little bit of work done on a uni homework and did a couple of smaller things during the day. In the evening, me and my mom went to another of the series of local plays.

It's basically more hours for teaching English, so I am curious about how that works out. Have a nice day as well! ?

Day 195: I was at school today, I also got a job offer and was outside a little bit too. It was a nice day and now I am thoroughly tired.

I think you are correct. I need to explore what my uppermost limits for socialization/extroversion are. It does sound obvious, but if I feel like I am alone, I should find some company. Preferably even before I actually start to feel too down about being alone.

Good for you! I'd love to have some kind of a system, when I move in with my future girlfriend. Not something overly demanding, but at to get the basic/survival chores done reliably. I believe that's one of the ways of how trust is built.

There's a long but great article I read three months ago about growing up. I like it, because it's honest and I think it nails the "partying situation" on its head. Have a good read!

I'm currently working on taking stock of myself of how I was before gaming and how I am roughly 6 months later. I think it helps me put things into perspective. Do you watch gaming content as much as you played yourself before?

Day 194: I had some feelings of let-down after being social yesterday. I wanted to socialize more, but I was fairly hungry, so I decided to call it a night then. I feel like I should spend more time writing and thinking about the planned big report. I can't expect myself to do everything at once.