Ikar

Day 583: I worked on school projects, got through mails, worked on the monthly report, went for a walk, watched "Mr. Bean" and played desktops in the evening. Day 584: I worked on school projects, watched a sort video about Nagorno-Karabakh, finished my monthly report, did the groceries, had an English class, finished the book by Frankl and played desktops in the evening. Day 585: I worked on school projects, played chess, went for a walk, sent out my English mails to language companies and watched "Saving Private Ryan".

I'm using the template I used the last time. 19/10/20 - 27/11/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I think my journaling was average, but it was especially helpful while sorting out my thoughts regarding women. I am writing this now. T: I worked a bit on Self-Authoring and I am close to the end of "Past Authoring", but three weeks ago I stopped it as I got more classes to teach and I haven't found time since. N: I'll be working on my bachelor thesis, so a lot of the writing will have to go there. I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to at least finish that this month. Books/Reading articles: L: Finish "Iron John". It's not a particularly lengthy book, but I didn't read much recently. T: I finished reading "Iron John". Now I'm reading a book by Viktor Frankl a friend gifted me, but it's the same as with writing; I didn't find time to read in about three weeks. I read the odd newsletter or a Wiki article, especially about military conflicts (lately about the 2020 conflicts in Nagorno-Karabakh and Ethiopia). N: Finish the book by Frankl. It's a thin book. Family: L: Mom had to go to the hospital. She's getting better, but we can't visit her now due to CV measures, so we at least call each other every now and then. I'm visiting my father with my brother and then my grandma solo every week. T: Mom was home for two three weeks and now she's in hospital again. N: I feel an increasing feeling of unease regarding my family. I feel there are talks to be had together with resolutions and absolutions. University: L: Find out what the upcoming projects for this semester are and start working on the bachelor thesis. I passed the exam from the last semester successfully. The semester already started and we got assigned some coursework, but I am not paying much attention during the online classes, so I am going to revise the recordings and ask my classmates to make sure I have everything covered. T: I started work on the bachelor thesis and finished a few school projects. I'm quite happy with my school performance this month and I seem to be the most during the mornings. N: Keep working on the bachelor thesis and pass the upcoming exams. I could have the first one in three weeks. I am planning to go to Canada the next year using my university's mobility program. Exercise/movement: L: I discovered a good jiu-jitsu course nearby I'd like to attend, but they are closed down now. T: I manage to go for a run once a week and take a longer walk about twice a week, though the exercise is obviously not as heavy as if I worked out at the gym. N: Move thrice a week. Social: L: This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either. T: The evenings have been social more often than not. The good news is that I think I am becoming better at looking at others and myself through a more realistic lens. N: - English: L: There's been a lot of reorganizing due to CV, as some courses got interrupted or moved online. I still retained a few classes though. I wanted to get the FB page up one day, but I got distracted by other things. T: This term's been pretty great for English. I think I average a bit over 10 hours a week nowadays. I updated my website (added a page for references and new photos) and got the FB page up as well. I attended an online seminar on how to run online classes to get some inspiration for activities I could do with students. I spent a day with my English mentor and his students. N: These objectives are the ones left over: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. T: There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive. N: - ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. T: This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - Additional thoughts: Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise. The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly. I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on. I'm often playing chess with people from the dorms nowadays. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 579: I worked on school projects, wrote, went for a walk, watched "The Deer Hunter" and played chess in the evening. Day 580: I worked on school projects, worked on my monthly report, went for a walk, had a few online classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 581: I read, visited my grandma, had an online class, watched a documentary about the war in Iraq, got a new haircut and celebrated the birthday of a friend. Day 582: I had 6 hours of classes, read and played desktops in the evening. --- It feels as if I don't care/think as much as usual and that I take life as it comes more. That works well as far as my interactions with women go and being carefree, but overall I feel I drift more towards autopilot/lazy activities and I think that is caused by my sleeping being impaired by masturbation, causing even more mental fatigue and on the feedback loop goes. I think I am on the verge of throwing away the last few covers that make me appear as a non-sexual being to others. I currently get my sexual needs met in a stupid way and I begin to think that it's worse than the alternatives. There's no hiding from myself.

Living at the dorm helps with all the Erasmus students around, but even I do not need to speak English half of the day 7 days a week. I understand and feel the psychological side of how he teaches in his own "school". The idea is that I can lead the class only for those who want to be led and that the classes are voluntary. Analogically, there's no point in listening to a boss you dislike at work and/or doing something you hate, because you will do a shitty job. There's so many jobs and so many bosses to choose from that the argument to stay in such a job voluntarily is invalid. The current "mainstream" education system reminds me of WWI trench warfare and troops charging MG nests straight up. Just no. On the other hand, I get the idea that this system feeds a good amount of people; luckily I have the option to work outside of it.

Day 578: I worked on school projects, had online uni classes, had two English classes of my own, played chess and had dinner with the Taiwanese girl. Day 579: I spent most of the day with my friend who teaches English and his class. It was nice to see people speaking English IRL and to get some inspiration for the classes of my own.

Day 575: I worked on school projects, visited my family and played chess in the evening. Day 576: I had 6 hours of classes, read an online article from Get Rich Slowly and played desktops in the evening. Day 577: I worked on school projects, went for a walk, went to get some ingredients and helped my dad with his car. --- combating masturbation lonely? - am I lacking deeper connections with others? not reading for over 2 weeks now

Apparently I got so busy writing the last time I forgot to finish these two days! Day 571: I worked on school projects, had uni classes, went for a run, had an English class, cleaned my room and washed the dishes, had dinner and played cards with others. Day 572: I worked on school projects, watched a lecture by Peterson, wrote here and went for a walk. Day 573: I worked on school projects, went for a walk with the Taiwanese girl, played football, played and watched chess and chatted with a friend in the evening. Day 574: I worked on school projects, went for a run, had a nap, had an English class, read a bit about modern Hungarian history and played desktops in the evening. --- Based on my last entry, I feel I started fighting my complacent urges, even if not always successfully. It's taking an energetic toll on me, but I am confident I am moving in a positive direction.

I'm happy I could help. I'm not on dating apps for over half a year now, but I know it's a tool to meet new women if the current situation isn't permitting. If I remember correctly, you landed a few dates before via dating apps, so it's just about getting yourself out there and setting up more meetings. Just remember to be yourself. The rest is just statistics.

I think it might be a good idea to set a specific goal. "Trying dating apps for 3 to 6 months" is not a goal. "Going out on a date every week using dating apps" is a goal. Trash the chatty girl if she doesn't want to meet. And keep in mind you are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest. And sexual interest - from swiping right, to cheeky texts, to cheeky speech, to touches, to sex - comes BEFORE the relationship, not after. I'm going to paraphrase Ridley: "A good marriage is when two people optimally exploit each other, so both sides win. If the balance shifts sideways, then the only winner is the divorce lawyer." I think you can do things emotionally, but you are horrified by how it might turn out "rationally" in the end. So you want unbridled intimacy, but you are scared to take a risk that you can be wrong (and I think we are always somewhat wrong) in a person. I've been wrong in a few women recently and it makes me more aware for the next time. Nobody wound up dead or pregnant, so what's the deal?

Day 570: I had English classes, visited grandma, worked on school projects and had an online philosophy seminar. Day 571: I worked on school projects, Day 572: --- My entries have been getting quite wordy, even though a lot of the stuff still gets filtered through my friends, either through Internet or personally. The topics have been the usual lot: relationships, philosophy, attraction/intimacy etc. Regardless, as I wrote before, these two recent weeks have been challenging work-wise, so nowadays I work about 20 hours a week, counting in the courses I teach plus the correspondence/preparation. It's good, because I have more structure and I make good money and all of it counts towards FIRE eventually, as @JSmithmentioned 🙂 I've been feeling somewhat egocentric recently, sort of thinking that what everybody else does doesn't match up to what I do and not having incentive to do anything past work/uni/socialize, because I already "have it all". Together with marginalizing my masturbation issue for a good while where I often do not even get the thought that I might be doing something else with my time. Coming clean with myself a bit now, I want to come clean with others too and tell them what I think and do what needs to be done, particularly regarding my family. The issue with masturbation is that I want sex, and I want a lot of it judging from the fact I masturbate (not ejaculate) daily, but I also want it on a regular basis with someone I can trust. The issue will not magically go away when I get into a relationship - it will just sexually attach me to the person more than it needs to. I think my recent experience with "Girl L" only exacerbated the issue. I've confided in a friend recently about the masturbation issue, so that was a slight help. I think the root of all this might be that I never had an idea how to start and keep a conversation going naturally until recently. I'd be dead in the water without this skill as an English teacher. It slowly got ingrained into me that sometimes I talk to "scout" the person and that the topic is irrelevant, as long as I keep figuring some topics out and talking with the other person. That's as far as the classes go. In personal life, over time, the conversation gets where it's supposed to, as long as both sides are willing to talk. And so, it's not impossible for me to hold a 30-minute conversation with a stranger I've just met. Or to get a girl to the bed after getting to know her that day without lying or being (at least consciously) manipulative. A good advice regarding this I read often on the NMMNG forums is: "Do not try to "friend" a woman into bed." It's a narrow window in which one gets to hold and think about what to do next when considering dating a woman. I even think that it's not worth it to try and "think" the way to the woman, even if one gets a respite in the meanwhile. It's either there or it's not. There's millions. Get over it. A deeper idea is that the actual choice of a woman is not conscious at that moment either. Where consciousness comes to play here is BEFORE the interaction - how I decide to orient myself in the world in general. Like attracts like. The woman "knows" regardless of what I do and I "know" regardless of what she does. And maybe the "knowledge" detectors are off and need updating every now and then through failure and the gain of experience. My long-term choice of woman is therefore always aligned with my life. Related to the idea is a running joke I made about myself. I often mention that "I miss the female first graders.", because the dorm is halfway empty nowadays. I thought about why I say it. I believe I genuinely want to go out and meet new people and see what am I made of and what are they made of. The "better" I get in the life, the less women I will be able to choose from, because the number of women who get "better" decreases, but I will actually be less dependent on my interactions with them, because I will have a stronger and stronger foundation in myself. When two people are in a relationship, there is no "better" person, neither when it's going well and neither when it's going poorly. I get what I deserve. Strangely enough, I had a chat over Internet with "Girl M" recently and I think it was one of the better ones. What I learned from "Girl L" is that sharing a difficult past is not a unifying element by default. Everybody has a difficult past. It's the attitude towards it and what am I willing to take from it. She chose to wallow in it and relive it, I chose to learn (at least a bit) from it and change my present. And she is actually honest about her past, she doesn't lie; it's just that she is searching for the embodiment of god, wants to get subjugated by all means and she will do anything for that. I do not want to play that role, so I chose not to.

Day 567: I checked out a part of the seminar for writing the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, did the groceries, went through mails and taught English for 4 hours afterwards. Day 568: I took my car to the service to fix the lights and change the tires, watched the rest of the bachelor thesis seminar, worked through mails, read a bit about FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) and renting apartments, had an English class, sorted out some things regarding my phone, put up my drums for sale on the Internet, played chess with the Taiwanese girl and chatted with friends. Day 569: I taught for 4 hours, had lunch and cooked, went for a walk and to the shop, took a nap and I've just returned from the shower. --- I've been in contact with the Taiwanese girl for about a month. We chat daily through Internet and we go for a walk or play chess every few days. I like her. I think I would've already made the move to date her if I knew she was going to be around for more than a few months before going back home to Taiwan. Alas, it sometimes sucks to know what I want. It is what it is. I feel hopelessly out of time. With the English classes I had the past two weeks, I make the same amount of money in about half the time most averagely-paid people do, but it's still challenging for live with some 20 hours of teaching + paperwork, as I'm not used to it yet. It also connects to me falling behind on university stuff which I am not a fan of. Spending a somewhat stressful/weird/lazy weekend at my parents' house didn't help either, together with the fact I ejaculated 4 times in the past 7 days. To end it on a good note, today is my name-day and several people remembered it and wrote to wish me well 🙂

Day 564: I watched "Whiplash", wrote here, had an uni lecture, had English classes and I played chess in the evening with a friend. Day 565: I had classes in the morning, transported my drums back to my parents' house, played Scrabble with mom and started charging the battery of my car. Day 566: I had classes in the morning, played Scrabble with mom, go back home, went for a run, watched a TED talk with Daryl Davis and prepared for the next week. --- Whiplash is an interesting film. While watching it, I thought that I would be a good drummer if I tried half of the amount the youngster did. I actually had respect for the brutal teacher and perhaps forty years from that point the cycle would repeat again, where the youngster would become the teacher. It still doesn't change the fact that people who are this all-out on one thing are psychos, because they measure the world by that single thing only. "Girl L" wrote me yesterday. I was initially surprised that she did so, but since she did, I wasn't surprised by the content of her messages. I left it at that if she wants to talk, then we'll do it in person and that's probably after the dorms are functioning normally and CV measures are dampened. There's zero reason to be in contact with her otherwise. I had to charge the battery in my car overnight, so I spent about 27 hours at my parents' house in a row. My mom is a still bit out of it; she felt fairly melancholic and hardly ever smiled. I don't know if it's the general atmosphere, my parents, me or whatever else, but I felt increasingly worse the more time I spent there. I felt as if I was a little kid again that had nothing to do than to lounge around and feel miserable about himself, even though I had stuff to do and research. I think my quality of life is incomparably better since I started living on my own and this weekend only proved it to me time again.

I hope all is well with you and yours.

I was in the same spot as @ceponatia - a narcissistic mom who ended up loving her sons more than her husband, because he was away all the time due to work in the military. As for looking at women as objects; I think it's helpful to point out the correlation between looking good and being in a good shape mentally. I think it's good to think of that and switch the mindset from "I'm such a disgusting pig for looking at that woman's ass." to "Hey, her body shape looks nice, so she might be into working out or some other physical activity, as am I." Now I have a starter for the chat. Putting work first is a good idea. It's always easier to find time to enjoy myself than to put in some work. And there won't only be good times with the woman either; there will be the hard and unpleasant talks as well.

I think Willink would put it the way that you get true freedom through discipline. Sure, I can do anything I want and quit it whenever I want. But nobody gets to be good at anything without doing it a couple of times per week. And maybe I don't get to be a good partner to any woman if I fuck three of them at the same time.

Don't worry about it. The ability to organize and hold these small events gradually gets better over time the more we interact with people. You put in the effort and if you do it again, the results might be better. I think this might become a problem only if you do this a few times and people are still acting dodgy; then they might not see you as "the organizer".

It's your life and your goals and your progress. I think it's helpful to set standards for women to set your mind straight. I think a lot of women can give me a feeling of intimacy, emotional connection, attention, sex etc. Since there is a lot of women, the solution is that I need to be discriminating, because I don't have time to possibly give my attention to every such woman. For example, I don't want a woman that has a boyfriend, smokes or watches TV/YT/films all the time. I do want a woman that keeps in shape, wants to meet me regularly and plans/wants to stay in my area for the near future. Obviously, there are grey areas. Maybe we click in all other 10 areas, but she's an Erasmus foreigner and she'll leave in three months. For some people it's worth it to get into a relationship, for some it's not and some would make it into an open relationship. It's up to us to decide what is "worth" it.

Day 560: I worked on my English website, worked on Self-Authoring, read an article by Manson, worked through mails, went for a walk to the graveyard and had two English courses in the evening. Day 561: I finished working on my website, worked on Self-Authoring, got through mails, went for a run had two English courses in the afternoon and had a talk with a friend in the evening. Day 562: I had a few online courses, drove my mom home from the hospital and had a beer with friends in the evening. Day 563: I had English classes, wrote a part of this entry, went shopping to buy new shoes and bag, visited my grandma, did some paperwork, had an online philosophy seminar and played desktops in the evening. --- I went to visit the graveyard to commemorate my grandpa who died several years ago. I was self-absorbed during the visit though and I wasn't really able to let go of my own worries, because there was/is a lot to deal with, e.g. because I get a flood of mails nowadays. That said, I am happy I recently managed to cut most of the crap out. I think the unity as far as my work goes is liberating. I have energy to do things I want to do afterwards and I feel good about my work. I feel that I am what I do and do what I am, even though there are challenges and things I am not happy about. Mom is home from the hospital after a month and a half, so that's good news. She still seems somewhat fragile, but she's back and that's what counts. I'm also happy I straightened out my relationships with women recently. I had a few good experiences and got a lot of good experience. I've been asking people around me recently about how do they conduct themselves in the whole sex/relationship thing. I got various responses and I think I fall into the "rigid" end of the spectrum, where I take some time to get to know the woman, think about her a little over a few days/weeks, go on a couple of dates and see how that works out. I think sex should be generally taken more seriously than it is today (and maybe it isn't taken seriously because the times today are easy, with all the contraceptive methods and living standards?) and I think it's completely okay for me to think that, as long as I do not shove it down someone's throat. What I recognize extremely interesting during the time with "Girl L". At the beginning, I did a couple of things rather mechanically and simply because I wanted to and then I started "feeling" something as time progressed, while still being reasonable with gathering new information rationally. Therefore, I think having sex the same day I start chatting with a new girl is an "overkill", as far as doing things goes, but I think some incentive and action is in order. I find the way of conduct where people have sex and hope for something greater afterwards cynical; what mostly happens is two people masturbating through each other OR one of them winds up getting more involved than the other and gets lovelorn, because the other person sees it differently. This obviously happens all the time regardless, however I think it's better to not risk having sex this early to amplify this. I think my thoughts regarding dating are rational and that I know what I want and how I want it and that I just need to follow through with it. I have a list. It's good to have standards. And it could also be that I am ignorant, insecure and afraid to connect with others in a profound way. And maybe I will go and do a couple of ONSs, because I've already proven to myself that I can do it if I want to and because I'll want to go on an ego trip. And this is also fine, as long as I give myself enough time to think it through and learn by writing texts like this one.

I believe you will get through this. I quite unexpectedly got a lot of online courses and I doubled down on building up my website and doing whatever I can to improve both my business and myself. I feel fairly tired quite early in the day, but I believe it's worthwhile. Do whatever keeps you sane and stable.

Ridley in his "Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" brought up a point that human speech evolved rather to influence others than to communicate "pure" information. It's definitely something to think about. I think we see in people what we want to see. Making simp decisions around women is manipulative by definition.

Day 558: I had classes in the morning, watched Jocko Willink's podcast, cleaned my room and washed the dishes, worked on my English business website, read, listened to the piano, wrote a bit in Self-Authoring and went to bed early. Day 559: I had classes in the morning, worked on my English business website, visited my family, sorted out some things regarding my phone, had a talk with a friend and read in the evening. --- I'm currently tackling the biggest/most scary project on my plate - updating and getting my website on FB. There is a piano room at the dormitory, so I sometimes hang out there, quietly listening to someone play the piano. I found out I like listening to the piano while meditating/thinking.

Day 556: I wrote, worked on my school project, visited my grandma, went to the orthopedic, read and had English classes in the evening. Day 557: I finished my school project, had online uni classes, read, wrote and went for a walk. --- I spend quite a bit of time on the NMMNG forums these days, trying to parse through my recent relationship experience with "Girl L" and getting opinions on it. You can check it out here. I plan to give a cocktail of questions about sex/relationship/commitment to my closest friends/family, so I know what they think about these topics. I'm getting to know a few new women currently, so I am happy and learning in this regard. The shoulder is doing fine, but I hardly worked out my arms the past month, because the gyms closed down again. My lecturing is going really well; it's as if I got rewarded for deciding to go down just one career path. I got more courses from one language school and I might be hitting the 10-15 hour week optimum soon.

I think the government jobs here in CZ are the same; it doesn't matter how much you (don't) do, just show up and get paid for being here with others for 8 hours. I'm unaware when was the last time there were mass across-the-board layoffs of state employees. Maybe the quality is so poor that they don't even need to do it, because the employees eliminate themselves 😄 I also believe I had quite the cushioned fall. I plan to do my masters on the topic of "Changes in college education - comparison between sexes". Among other things, I want to prove that it's mostly women who aim for easier, less demanding, safer jobs (such as the government ones), because they value safety more than risk on average. The data is already in, but I wanted to wait for the 2021 census. I see the point about not feeling sorry for men who pay alimony, I think it's one of the reasons I am borderline paranoid about having sex without knowing the woman properly first. My motto is: "I want to stick my penis into a woman with whom I feel having kids would not be an utter catastrophe." Of course, I'll likely be as stupid as the woman I am with at that time and there's going to be a lot of insidious flak incoming, but I think at some of it can be alleviated by not trivializing sex. I think they have a good reason to hate themselves, because they've done nothing yet that would warrant their choice and effectively sold their ambition. Effort is difficult, but everybody can handle being fat, lazy and addicted.

Day 553: I worked on my school project, worked on Self-Authoring, wrote on the NMMNG forums, went for a jog, read, had an English class and spent the evening with a friend. Day 554: I returned from my friend, wrote on the NMMNG forums, worked on my school project, worked on Self-Authoring, played football, had an English clas and spent the evening playing desktops. Day 555: I wrote on the NMMNG forums, worked on my school project, did some work mail, started reading a new book (V. Frankl - The Unheard Cry for Meaning), had an online class and cooked and had dinner socially in the evening.

I remember the part about horses. I like the idea that shamanic cultures weren't clueless about how to live and that they were more in touch with the spiritual and animal world in general. I'm not really surprised why there's a lot of unconscious negativity in the world today and why so many relationships are dysfunctional. It's as if the essence of human contact was missing from them, causing a lot of suffering, for example in the form of addictions.