Ikar

Day 710: I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and talked to a friend in the evening. Day 711: I had English classes, chose my new phone, was writing an ad to potentially sell my car and went for a walk. Day 712: I researched finances, had English classes, went to visit my parents on a bike, helped my father to drive to the car service and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 713: I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl. Day 714: I researched finances and spent the day with the Spanish girl. Day 715: I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, spent some time with the Spanish girl, visited my family, cleaned my room and talked to a friend in the evening. Day 716: I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, finished writing the ad to potentially sell my car, played football and now I'm writing this. --- A very busy week with a lot of things going on. I got a new phone (Xiaomi Redmi Note 10) for a small amount of money. The old one was one my brother gave me two or three years ago when he bought a new one and it is 6 years old. The main reason to get new the phone was that I ran into problems with my old one being obsolete to run new apps, so I got one with the newest OS for the lowest price. It also has four cameras and a lot of other functionalities I need to research (and hardly understand why are they there!) I feel old, haha. I plan on using it until it becomes obsolete just like my old phone. I've been researching personal finance and investing extensively the last two weeks. I'm going to commit to a long-term investment plan into index funds and ETFs, mainly because it's simple, profitable, easy to understand and isn't a "get rich quick" scheme. For anyone interested in personal finance, there's a nice (and free!) course covering the fundamentals of managing personal finance and indeed finance in general. I hope you'll find it interesting and enlightening as I do! I've also put my car up for sale, just in case anyone's interested in it. There's a shortage of used cars on the market due to the CV situation and I'm willing to sell it if I get a decent amount of money for it. I also took my bike for a spin and it was nice to cycle again this year. I might use my bike more often if I sell my car, which would be beneficial for my fitness. I sort of sidetracked the thesis the previous week. I'm gonna get back at it this week, as I want to submit it in a bit over than a week and I think that's realistic. The Spanish girl came back on 1st. We're different in certain ways, but we respect each other and our relationship seems to be working well. We spent almost the whole day Friday and Saturday together, cooking, talking, having sex... I'm grateful she's around again. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my activity and vigor to make my life (and subsequently the life of others) better.

Day 704: I had English classes, wrote here, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk, did some research into FIRE and played chess in the evening. Day 705: I had English classes, worked on the thesis, played football and had a video-call with the Spanish girl. Day 706: I had an English class, worked on the thesis, did research into FIRE, went for a walk and went to bed early. Day 707: I did research into FIRE, played football, helped a friend apply for her Erasmus, had a talk with another friend from the dorms and had a video-call with my high-school classmates. Day 708: I did research into FIRE and visited my family and later my grandma. Day 709: I had English classes, did research into FIRE, worked on the thesis, played football and took photos of my car to advertise it. --- I had quite difficult days on Thursday and Friday. It wasn't because of anything external, I think I just stepped on the gas too much and tried to do something for the whole day all the time. I decided to mostly relax on Saturday as a result of that and visiting my family on Sunday also helped change the environment. The "research into FIRE" is about increasing my financial literacy and preparing myself to start doing something serious and long-term with my finance allocation. I've had a few mistakes/learning moments with my finances in the past, but I want to be smarter about it now. I'm going to conduct more research in the next week or two, but the baseline will be about putting money into ETFs and index funds (buying a share of the whole market) and then holding them for a long time (years and decades). I've been playing football recently with the other guys. The weather is starting to get nice. It's good exercise, so I am happy for that. The Saturday call with my high-school classmates was interesting. I was surprised all of them knew Peterson in one way or another. We caught up on each others' lives and had a chat long into the night. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friends who are there when I need them.

I've put myself under quite some pressure recently too with working on my degree, having a part-time job and researching personal finance all at the same time. I'm very grateful that the Spanish girl is around. It really is a great help to have someone reach out to you during trying times. I have troubles expressing myself to others when I feel off, mainly due to my gaming past when I basically told nothing to nobody if something went bad. Regardless, I don't even think it has to be a boyfriend/girlfriend, just someone who is interested in being around us for a longer time.

Day 698: I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, read and played chess in the evening. Day 699: I had English classes, worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend and had a video call with the Spanish girl. Day 700: I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with a friend, played football, had a video call with the Spanish girl and played chess in the evening. Day 701: I worked on my bachelor thesis, visited my family and my grandma and then went to play Scrabble and then slept over at my friend's place. Day 702: I had English classes, finished reading "The Prince", cleaned my room and washed the dishes and had a social evening. Day 703: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, a video call with the Spanish girl, read about the "FIRE" (financial independence - retire early) concept and played chess in the evening. --- I've been working on the bachelor thesis, but I'm not satisfied with the speed of my progress. I think I should be working more, even though I work pretty much daily. My total time spent working (teaching + mails etc.) and studying (working on the thesis + mails/online calls for Erasmus etc.) was 25 hours on the first week of March, 23 hours on the second week and 32 hours on the third (last) week, so there's been an upward trajectory. Regardless, I want to have the thesis done by 14th April, so then I'll have a month and a half to study for the finals. I'm gonna try to be less social in the evenings to achieve this. If the situation is good, I'll go abroad in about a year, as I've been accepted to go for Erasmus to Germany the next year. I've been pondering with the concept of FIRE ever since I quit gaming - I went to my mail and noticed the first newsletter from a website regarding the concept was in spring 2019. It's basically about learning how to save more, spending money and time on things that matter, rather than on useless flashy things. I want to put more time into exploring it now, although I think I have more time than money at the moment. As a result, I am willing to take on more classes and I'm gonna think more about my time usage. English teaching is quite decent for me as far as money making goes for now, but I might have to transition to something (hopefully!) as fun and more paid after I graduate from the university. The calls with the Spanish girl have been going surprisingly well. I'm always a bit worried that there will be nothing to talk about and that we're going to stare at each other, but we always come up with something to do together. It's not the same as if we were together for real, but at least I have something to look forward to when she returns in a week. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the freedom (and discipline!) that I have in my life.

Day 695: I accompanied the Spanish girl to the bus, finished my monthly report, had English classes, went for a walk with a friend, played chess and desktops in the evening. Day 696: I worked on the bachelor thesis, did the laundry, started reading "The Prince", had English classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 697: I worked on the bachelor thesis, had English classes, read and went for a walk. --- I'm keeping myself fairly busy, though I am reminded a few times a day of the absence of the Spanish girl. She should return at the beginning of April, so I am going to make the best use of my time and funnel it towards the bachelor thesis, reading and exercise. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being independent, so that I can decide about what I want to do.

The learning part is primarily on me. I sometimes get feedback from the students, but mostly I have to educate myself by watching free online seminars made by the language schools or studying their materials. Every student is different too. I recently gathered the courage to try a new activity in some of my classes and the students were excited. I don't think there's anything better paid in my area, unless I'd have my own employees. In fact, I'll be paid less once I finish my studies, because now I have a tax discount due to the fact I'm a university student.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/02/20 - 15/03/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I hardly wrote anything these past 6 weeks or so. When I wrote, I was working on my bachelor thesis, writing my diary here or writing on the NMMNG forum, but I spent little time on either of them. T: I worked on the exercises for NMMNG a bit. I think my journaling here was reasonable too. No Past Authoring or blog writing though. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I finished the "Extreme Ownership" on 2nd January. I got into reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, but I think so far it's been only one session of reading before bed over a week ago. It's more of a "calm down before bed" book and I normally am calm before bed regardless. I've been keeping up the newsletters. T: I picked up "Ordinary Men" and got through it rather quickly, the topics of psychology and war grip me strongly. The progress on newsletters has been slow. Future goals/direction: Pick up "Ordinary Men" I got for Christmas. Continue getting through the newsletters. Pick up "The Prince" by Machiavelli. Family: L: Mom is home and I feel all the stuff that she had to go through made her a more responsible person and maybe shifted her values in a way to be more family-oriented. That's good news, at least for me personally and other family members. T: Maybe you remember that in the past, I put here some words that I should talk to my family members. I actually did talk to my mom a few weeks ago to support her current behavior, but I haven't talked in that way to my father and brother (and grandma, to an extent). I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom. Future goals/direction: Talk to my family members separately. University: L: I finished the exams as planned. I've started working on my bachelor thesis, figuring out my masters and the process of going abroad via VIA Exchange. I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily. T: I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year. Future goals/direction: Work on the bachelor thesis. Choose my masters program in a month. Apply successfully for VIA Exchange by passing the tests and interviews. Start studying for the finals. Exercise/movement: L: Less walks. I think I had sex more times than I went for a walk. Otherwise nothing continual. T: I did some purposeful exercise in the past few weeks, but I mostly find that I go for walks (alone or with a friend) and have sex with the Spanish girl. The time length of the act obviously varies, but I think the average could be three times a week for at least half an hour. Future goals/direction: Work out twice/thrice a week in my room. Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise). Social: L: I had about a week of nearly no social activity around Christmas. I had no classes to teach and most of the people from the dorm were home. I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of it. The rest of the time, the evenings were predominantly social. I think I use the evenings to blow off steam after a day's work and to actually see people and to talk to them for two three hours. T: I spent a lot of time with the Spanish girl, not only having sex, but also talking about our opinions, philosophy for life, singing or going for walks, so often I didn't feel the need to be collectively social in the evening, though I still spent time with my Czech and international friends. There have been some cases of anginas and CV at the dorms in the past two weeks, so there were less chances to meet, but I feel healthy and the Spanish girl got tested for CV on Saturday, so I'm clean. Future goals/direction: - English: L: My current workload is 12 hours per week, sometimes fluctuating to 15. I took the substitution opportunity in January for three weeks that basically doubled the amount for a while. I watched some online seminars and tried a few new activities with students. The co-operation is not viable until we can meet normally. T: My current workload is around 18 hours per week. I got a few courses from my secondary employer, so it's good that I was able to diversify a little. There's a third subject that I could teach for, but they offer me 80% for their courses, because they deducted the rate when the course is online. I asked for the pay rise from my primary employer and although it didn't work out, they wrote that we can revisit the topic in September if things go well. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while. I have a potential partial replacement, but it's shoddy, so I don't want to quit my main employer. The bad news is that I don't even see my boss during these times. I want to get some advice for this from others. Women/dating: L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive. I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled. I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming. In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me. As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore. That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December) I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February) T: I think this section needs a bit of an update, mainly so that I myself know what I've been through. I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship. To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. Future goals/direction: - ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - Additional thoughts: Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise. The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly. I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on. Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment. I still need to work on my fun/responsibility time management though. It's a process. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude: Spoiler

Day 690: I worked on my bachelor thesis, put my bike in an operational condition, had English classes and got through an article by Manson. Day 691: I had English classes, worked on my monthly report and worked on my bachelor thesis. Day 692: I had English classes, played chess, went for a walk and worked on my monthly report. Day 693: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had an English class and played football. Day 694: I spent half the day with the Spanish girl, played chess and wrote a on the NMMNG forum. Day 695: I visited my family and played chess in the evening. --- Thanks @Jason70! I hope your journey here will take you to a better place, though don't be afraid if the road is devious or even leads to an unexpected destination. Gratitude: I'm grateful for the GQ community. I am not as active as I used to be, but I am still here after almost 100 weeks.

@gargamelHey man, I hope you're doing well on all fronts! The uni, the job, the women, the family, the sleep... everything. My life's been pretty interesting as well. Enjoying the good times, working towards the goals and connecting with others... in a way, I find I have everything I need in the current moment already. I hope all is well with you and yours.

Day 684: I had English classes, played football and spent time with my friends in the evening. Day 685: I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk with the Spanish girl and was social in the evening. Day 686: I visited my family and had a social evening. Day 687: I worked on my bachelor thesis, watched a talk with Peterson and Manson and played chess. Day 688: I had English classes and spent time with the Spanish girl. --- Gratitude: I know it's IWD and I think it's best that I am grateful for everyone in my life, men and women alike.

Day 680: I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk and spent the evening with friends playing desktops. Day 681: I had English lessons (and the observed one), did some paperwork and mails, helped a friend with sorting out their CV and played desktops in the evening. Day 682: I worked on my bachelor thesis, got through mails, went for a walk, had English classes and was social in the evening. Day 683: I had English classes, washed the dishes, cleaned my room, played speed chess with others and did some preparation for new courses. --- I have a ton of mails incoming, but that's good news. The observed lesson went well, I got an A-. I think the observer entered the results into some internal database and that I got a bump in rating among the lecturers, meaning I get more offers to teach new classes. Regardless of whether that's true or just something I've made up, I've been able to get three more courses this week, so I'm about to reach some 20 hours a week. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the sunny weather and walks into the nature.

One of my supervisors observed my online lesson yesterday and she was very satisfied with my performance. I've been teaching for more than two years and this was my first real lesson that was observed by someone else. I didn't pretend to do something or change my lesson structure just to please my supervisor. I just did what I normally do, naturally and confidently, and it worked out well. First half of February was not very good in this regard, but I've walked a lot and worked out some in the past two weeks, on top of having sex often. I'm not doing anything exactly regular though. I keep myself in shape, but I am not a slugger. Some of my plans/goals I had in my monthly report are done/ongoing, but it's hard to tell overall. I think I am working on everything that is vital though - my job, bachelor thesis, physical shape, self-education, relationships... I can tell that I am enjoying life these days.

Day 677: I had an English class, spent time with the Spanish girl, finished reading "Ordinary Men" by Browning (about the participation of normal citizens on the elimination of Jews in Poland during WWII), went for a walk with a friend, played football and went to bed early, because I was tired. Day 678: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had a workshop on English teaching, went for a walk, spent some time with the Spanish girl, washed dishes and cleaned my room. Day 679: I worked on my bachelor thesis and BFEs and visited my family and grandma. Now I'm writing this and I'm planning to play cards in the evening. --- The past three days didn't have social evenings, as I was mostly tired quite early and wanted to get some sleep and wake up early rather than to party. As for the Spanish girl, I think we both have more influence over each other than we think. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of. This week's been pretty good overall.

Day 670: I worked on my bachelor thesis, read an article by Manson, wrote another BFE for NMMNG, went for a walk with a friend, worked out, read, talked to the Spanish girl and played desktops in the evening. Day 671: I worked on my bachelor thesis, read, went for a walk with the Spanish girl and assembled a report of defects for our floor. Day 672: I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a jog with a friend, wrote a letter of application for a part time job at the uni, wrote a letter asking for a raise and went to a small get together of four people and slept over there. Day 673: I visited my parents with my brother and later I visited my grandma and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 674: I had English classes, applied for the masters' program at the uni and played desktops in the evening. Day 675: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 676: I had English classes, went for a walk and did the laundry. --- I have to say that time flies by extremely fast. I'm always doing something. It feels as if I'm on autopilot most of the times, but it seems my priorities are straight enough for that to work out well in the meantime. I asked for a raise at work and it got declined. I'm not too sad about that though, the main thing was to just do it in a good way. I'm going to try again in a few months. The Spanish girl and I started sleeping together again and having sex, though not always. I think I am feeling more relaxed because of that, as well as motivated, because I absolutely crushed it yesterday and today was good as well. There's something about being active in life and having fun while being alive. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the present moment. I feel as if a lot of the things I do are good and aligned together well.

Day 666: I worked on my taxes, went to a private sauna with my friend, read, worked out and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 667: I had English classes, cooked, spoke to a friend, read and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 668: I had English classes, worked on the bachelor thesis, went for a walk, read and spent the evening playing desktops. Day 669: I had English classes, cooked, read, worked on some uni stuff, worked out and I'm going to play desktops in the evening. --- I've been experiencing a mind-fray recently. The Spanish girl and I meet around the same amount as we did, but we haven't had sex in over a week, even though we still sleep together. She told me she experiences libido/asexuality swings. I believe her explanation, as when I told her about rejecting the other girl two weeks ago, she started crying. She told me that I deserve someone who will treat me well and that she feels as if she broke something. Paradoxically, the other girl confided in me because she got to know I do things with the Spanish girl... fun. Working out every few days seems to stick slowly but surely. The same can be said for the bachelor thesis; it's an arduous process but I'm progressing.

Day 662: I had English classes, finished my monthly report, worked out in my room and played desktops in the evening. Day 663: I had an English class, worked on my bachelor thesis, had language testing for VIA, read on the NMMNG forum and had a social evening. Day 664: I visited my doctor, donated blood, visited my grandma and talked with the Spanish girl in the evening. Day 665: I visited my family and worked on my taxes. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my mom's improving health and her effort to become a better mom.

Yes, I am very happy and grateful that I have this option. I still sometimes think that my relationships with other men are not what they should be (I don't think I have a deep guy friendship at the dorms), but seeing what other people are going through the last year, that's an excellent problem to have. I think the bad habits just grow a lot easier if one is too isolated. I think it's a good idea to peek out to see if we're not in an echo chamber every once in a while. What I've been practicing recently is to ask about something, listen and then decide in my own mind whether I agree or disagree with the person (and even whether I want to interact with them in the future). I had a short talk with one of my friends about this yesterday. Most people you'll ever hang out with are "{insert activity here} buddies" you meet usually only for a single highly specific reason. Maybe you go to the pub every Saturday or see them every other day at work, but that's that. You don't meet afterwards. I think it's only worth discussing political issues with people you already have built some respect and trust with. Every other "acquaintance" person who happens to disagree with you will go talk to the other 20 people in the office with whom they might agree with. If my gut is correct, my guess is that your work colleagues are more fearful than you are. Take it for what it is and don't worry about it. Regardless of what people say, it's better to know what they do. To give you back the Peterson reference/paraphrase: "What you believe is ultimately what you act out, not what you say."

I'm using the template I used the last time. 26/12/20 - 10/02/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to finish it by the end of the year. T: I hardly wrote anything these past 6 weeks or so. When I wrote, I was working on my bachelor thesis, writing my diary here or writing on the NMMNG forum, but I spent little time on either of them. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I want to finish "Extreme Ownership" and read through the newsletters that accumulated in my mail. T: I finished the "Extreme Ownership" on 2nd January. I got into reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, but I think so far it's been only one session of reading before bed over a week ago. It's more of a "calm down before bed" book and I normally am calm before bed regardless. I've been keeping up the newsletters. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Pick up "Ordinary Men" I got for Christmas. Family: L: Mom is home again. T: Mom is home and I feel all the stuff that she had to go through made her a more responsible person and maybe shifted her values in a way to be more family-oriented. That's good news, at least for me personally and other family members. Future goals/direction: University: L: I want to be done with the exams in a month. Start working on the bachelor thesis right after the exams. I'm also already working out the field of study of my masters and Erasmus/VIA for the next year. T: I finished the exams as planned. I've started working on my bachelor thesis, figuring out my masters and the process of going abroad via VIA Exchange. I've been putting in the hours into university daily quite steadily. Future goals/direction: Work on the bachelor thesis. Choose my masters program in a month. Apply successfully for VIA Exchange by passing the tests and interviews. Exercise/movement: L: Walks. T: Less walks. I think I had sex more times than I went for a walk. Otherwise nothing continual. Future goals/direction: Work out twice/thrice a week in my room. Social: L: The evenings have been less social this month, but the bowling was nice for a while. T: I had about a week of nearly no social activity around Christmas. I had no classes to teach and most of the people from the dorm were home. I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of it. The rest of the time, the evenings were predominantly social. I think I use the evenings to blow off steam after a day's work and to actually see people and to talk to them for two three hours. Future goals/direction: English: L: I sent out the mails. The response to them was next to nothing (just one online interview), but there might be an interview or two coming up. I met up once or twice with my friend, but the cooperation thing is not really viable at the moment due to CV. T: My current workload is 12 hours per week, sometimes fluctuating to 15. I took the substitution opportunity in January for three weeks that basically doubled the amount for a while. I watched some online seminars and tried a few new activities with students. The co-operation is not viable until we can meet normally. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while. I have a potential partial replacement, but it's shoddy, so I don't want to quit my main employer. The bad news is that I don't even see my boss during these times. I want to get some advice for this from others. Women/dating: L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive. I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled. I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming. In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me. As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore. That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. T: I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. Future goals/direction: ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - Additional thoughts: Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise. The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly. I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on. Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

I recall having headaches during the first week after quitting games. Way back when, I also remember having headaches from being too much on the computer, but that was really a long time ago. I think the post you made and the one I made yesterday have a common theme of escapism and how do we deal with it. I think there has to be some during the day, but that there's a large space and tolerance everybody has between "I am overworked and have no time to have fun." and "All I do is mess around and do nothing." For example, I can go and be social every evening and I usually do that (and I like to do that), but I only really start missing it and start feeling lonely after if I do not do it for a week. I think a part of this "tolerance" could be that I don't think I am very good at seeing the shades of different emotions I might experience. It might be the price for stability that I'm usually very happy to twin myself with and to radiate to others.

Day 657: I handed in the the needed documents for VIA Exchange, went to the groceries on the way, walked a lot, worked on my Breaking Free Exercises from NMNNG, researched potential study options for my masters, had an info meeting with new Erasmus students where we told them basic information about their stay here and I spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 658: I went by train for a hike into the mountains together with other people from the dormitory. Day 659: I worked on my bachelor thesis, visited my parents and then visited my grandma. I played desktops in the evening. Day 660: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, worked on my monthly report, had an online philosophy seminar, got a haircut and played cards in the evening. Day 661: I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and did a few minor chores. I'm writing this now. --- The NMMNG exercises make me think about the way I think about myself in relationship to others and myself. I know it's a broad description, but I need to do more of them. The hike was exhausting, but I had good fun talking to people and I was happy to be a bit in the nature again. My monthly report is delayed, as only a few days ago I realized I should be writing one. I'm usually not thrilled to write again after working on my bachelor thesis for two or three hours in the morning. Writing (and thinking) is exhausting, especially elaborate writing. I noticed that my escapes and entertainment nowadays are chess puzzles, news and checking my phone. I usually don't do well in chess puzzles if I know I'm trying to escape something or if I should be working though, so that keeps me away from trying to do them for more than 30 minutes a day. The news have become something I do in the mornings. It usually doesn't take longer than 30 minutes either to update on government measures regarding CV and read an interesting article or two. It's just that if combined with other small time suckers they delay my start of the day. I'm checking my phone quite often nowadays, usually just to see if I got a ping on Messenger or WhatsApp. I already got rid of all the flashes/vibrations/sounds these apps make a long time. The only time my phone lights up on its own is when someone calls, when I get the odd text (these two combined maybe once a day?) or when my alarm goes off, all that while being in silent mode all the time. I got used to having social evenings, either playing desktops/cards or with the Spanish girl. I'm happy to have some chat and banter after a day that drains me intellectually. I could have these two three hours "back" for other purposes, likely something along the lines of exercising or reading, though I think I can afford it, I just need to prioritize better. Move the "time suckers" to the evening and make something productive and useful in the morning/afternoon. My "pure" "time suckers" are reading the forums (on NMMNG, but I quit doing that a few weeks ago - maybe that's why I picked up the news instead?) and watching series. If there's a series I am watching, I usually "make time" to watch at least two or three episodes a day. Sure, it can be during breakfast/lunch/dinner, but the only time I was able to afford this was when I was ill and had literally nothing else to do than to sit. I'm just going to take the easy way out - just like I do whenever I buy ramen. To end on a good note, I have to state that I've been getting up before 0700 these days. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the snow. Finally there's a proper winter, even if driving a car in this weather is oddly exhilarating.

Day 651: I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk, listened to a friend play the piano and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 652: I worked on my bachelor thesis and visited my family. Day 653: I had English classes, researched things about VIA and played desktops in the evening. Day 654: I researched things about VIA, washed the dishes and cleaned my room, went to the groceries, had English classes and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 655: I had English classes, researched things about VIA and met up with a friend from the military. Day 656: I had an English class, had meetings with new Erasmus students, did the laundry, wrote here and I'm gonna play desktops in the evening. --- I had quite big blocks of activities these days, so while it doesn't seem like I did much, most of the time I was productive. I had a "checkpoint" to send my tutor the progress in my bachelor thesis. I wanted to start working on it last Monday, but I didn't really get to it until Friday evening, with the deadline being this Monday. I might have to add something more to it, but the work is submitted and if there are any shortcomings, I'll just work harder the next time. My get up time has defaulted to 0800, though yesterday and today I've managed to get up earlier, mainly because my classes begin at 0730 on Wednesday and Thursday. I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow, as I have to hand in a few remaining documents for VIA. VIA is a mobility program for countries outside of Europe and I want to go to the USA in summer 2022. We'll see how that goes. A foreign girl I was interested in mainly during October/November told me she's interested in me and wants to be with me. My initiative to pursue this girl died down back then, because I didn't see enough affection reflected back to me. She said she felt a pang upon getting to know I'm spending time with the Spanish girl. I was fairly surprised by this, because we talked here and there even after I left the idea of dating her. I'm not interested in having multiple women to spend a chunk of time with though. The idealist's response is that it's demeaning. The pragmatic's response is that there's no time for that. The things with the Spanish girls are progressing well. We talk, play chess, watch films, go for a walk, have sex... not necessarily everything during the same day/evening. We do not spend every evening together, but we see each other almost daily while doing other things with other people. Thankfully, we're not cooped up and I believe we are not falling into the trap of forcing to see each other every day. We're not clingy and we have our lives besides seeing each other. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for the freedom of choice I have and that I exercise in my life.

I hope it goes well with her! I think there is a point to seeing/talking to (not necessarily having sex) women who are you interested in though. It mitigates the emotional backlash that might make you want porn again.

"Pornographic imagery" and masturbation are getting phased out of my mind gradually. These days I am finding next to no desire to do either.

Day 646: I had English classes, cooked, washed the dishes, watched a philosophy seminar and played desktops in the evening. Day 647: I sorted out a few things regarding my bachelor thesis, read about finance and information about my investments, went to the grocery, had English classes and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 648: I had English classes, went to the orthopedist, visited my grandma, did a few smaller things and spent the evening with the Spanish girl. Day 649: I chatted with a friend, went for a longer walk, overslept the nap-alarm, started reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, read an article about the philosophy and value of money and played desktops in the evening. Day 650: I worked on my bachelor thesis, cooked, went for a walk, had a workshop on activities in online English teaching. Evening will be social. --- I've been feeling better again, so I've been seeking out the company of others in the evening. I love the fact I am back in the game and that I can work on all the things that are important to me. I'm finished with substituting the morning online classes, meaning I have the opportunity to use my mornings to work on my bachelor thesis. I finally got that right this morning. I plan to continue that during the weekend, as I have to hand in a report of my advance on Monday. The relationship I have with the Spanish girl is likely best described as friends with benefits. We brushed the topic a few times indirectly and maybe we shall again, but I do get the vibe from both her and me that this is how things are. My reasons to keep the relationship as it is as it leaves my hands free to pursue other girls, if there are any worth pursuing. I like sex, but I do not think I have the urge to do it more than twice a week, while I have other things on my schedule. She also leaves back to Spain in June and trying to run a relationship like that is not practical.

Day 643: I had English classes, went for a walk, played chess and spent the evening together with the Spanish girl. Day 644: I went to the ambulance, slept during the day and had dinner together with the Spanish girl. Day 645: I got up extremely late, read a few interesting articles about real estate, had a nap and talked with the Spanish girl in the evening. --- I likely caught tonsillitis at the beginning of the last week. I wanted to power through the sore throat for the first two three days, but eventually the headache, extremely painful swallowing and drowsiness eventually got the best of me. The doc prescribed me painkillers and pastilles to anesthetize and neutralize the throat, as well as to spend time in bed and to take it slow and easy. These few days have been grueling, but I believe I'm through the worst of it. My sleep is a bit shot, but I feel that my mind is sharp and that I can start doing stuff again. The closest thing I need to get done is a list of literature that I'm planning to use for my bachelor thesis. Gratitude: I'm grateful for being healthy. Illnesses are no joke.