BooksandTrees

This is great! It's really special to hear that you're recognizing that when you do something great for yourself it is so much better than drowning ourselves in dopamine injectors. You're doing great. Remember these feelings during your upswing because our moods go up and down so often. Keep it up.

You deserve to be seen and heard. You're a great person who is doing great things. I'm very proud of you for your efforts and discoveries during this journey of yours. I can strongly relate to the parental neglect and mistreatment as I've written in extreme depth in the middle pages of my post about my struggle with overcoming how I was treated by my family. It sent me into such a downward spiral of hatred for myself, them, life, and the potential to be happy. It's just not worth it over time. Everyone faces some sort of adversity in their lives whether it's depression, cancer, death of a loved one, losing a career, etc. Some people face multiple. It's knowing that we can overcome these adverse events that sets us apart from others. You know how I know you can overcome this? Because you've been dealing with it and overcoming it your whole life. You've dealt with the parental issues and now the partner issues. The strength is already there. Now it's just planning how to use it over some strategy sessions with your therapist. Could be a series of small events, a large event, a mix of both, etc. At least now you have that chance to see and hear your children the way you wanted to be seen and heard. It's a powerful ability you now have. I was able to sit down with my parents 1 on 1 to discuss the issues. They didn't think they were issues until I blocked them from my life for years. I didn't talk to my dad for 9 years. He is petrified of losing me now and listens to me unconditionally at all times of the day. It took a few months of me ignoring my mom for her to realize her ways were harmful to me. Then the conversation began and we have slowly began to heal. That's why I will keep mentioning your voice. Your voice will always be heard through some form or another. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. This is fantastic.

This is a long post so I apologize in advance. My intent is not to overstep my boundary. I just want to offer my advice in this critical time for you. Crying is a very healthy and natural form of release and stress relief. It is ok to cry so don't feel bad about it or weak. Sometimes with escapism we try to avoid our distress and sadness and video games can be a great source of escapism. I am sorry you're feeling the pain of your situation on multiple levels. This pain can be so overwhelming at times just because of how much your life revolves around these truths you've been piecing together. Quitting games or any escapism habit starts with a rewarding feeling of self growth. That levels out into normalcy over time and gives us a sense of clarity where we start to gain control of our lives and see the positives and negatives more clearly. This brings about another wave of pain which often sets back people overcoming addiction. You'll see many people on this website only last 20 to 90 days because they will fail at being able to change their lives and face their problems. This is not a knock on them. It's just something I've experienced myself and seen in hundreds of people on this website over the past 2 years. After you cry and have the big wave of emotions it's time to gather yourself. The crying phase initially represents a human stress relief from the amount of pain you're experiencing. This might not be over, but you've hit this phase of recovery. During your self-collection start to take mental notes and write down in a personal diary, not on here if you're not comfortable, and discuss things you feel need to change. Don't try to change them right away. A behavioral therapist would be very beneficial to have during these changes and could provide vital advice and guidance if needed. You'll probably have to develop a strategy to communicate these issues with your partner and parents. If he's abusing you physically and/or mentally and/or you have experienced abuse growing up with your parents I am very sorry. If there are times you don't feel safe just remember you have a voice and liberty to feel and live safely in life. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are the words engraved into the United States for a reason. I'm not assuming anything or trying to push anything either. Just making a general statement in case this is happening so please forgive me. You are so strong and brave. Keep going. You're doing an amazing job.

I also watched American History X tonight for the first time. What a powerful movie. It made me sad about my own anger I've been working on improving. I no longer hate things anymore. I've never been racist or hateful like the main character in the movie, but I have been hate filled towards people who have hurt me. Hate and anger is such a burden. I've really improved on my anger over the past 4 months and it's changed me. I feel so sad sometimes about that anger sometimes. I've learned anger is a coping mechanism for overcoming sadness and pain. I have embraced this to learn about myself and am happy about it.

Today I learned a great lesson in self respect. Somebody really hurt my feelings this year to the point where I was severely depressed. This was not someone in my family. It wasn't necessarily their action that hurt me. It was just the idea that their conceited narcissism was so sinister and surprising that it sickened me to the point of confusion, hatred, and utter disgust. It took me months to get over this. I was shopping at the mall today and saw something at the store that this person was looking to buy for years. I saw it and I even purchased it. It wasn't expensive. It was just a rare find. On the ride home I considered giving this to the person. Then I realized how much pain they'd caused me. How angry I was and how pathetic I'd be to just be getting this person a gift. How could I possibly disregard myself like this? It's because I constantly do little things like this to either make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy. But in that moment I don't make myself happy, and make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy. Why would you make someone a meal in hopes they make you a meal when they ruin your food source and leave you nothing? Why not make the food for yourself? That's what I faced. Well that's not what I'm doing anymore. It's decisions like this that will keep making me stronger.

Keep it up. What have you found to be the most relaxing activities for you?

I agree. I'm just going to be patient with it and keep following my own advice. It has worked before and by modifying it it will keep on working. I appreciate the kindness and support!

Thank you!

I really want to watch porn tonight. It's frustrating. I'm handling the urges, but I've been trying to understand why I want to watch it right now. Unfortunately, I think tonight's one of those nights where there really is no reason for the urge. I'm exhausted and just think it would be fun. I'm not sexually aroused though. I'm not feeling any loneliness either. I think I just flat out want to because I usually watch it right before bed and it's something I really look forward to doing. Sadly, it's one of my favorite parts of my day, maybe my favorite. But that's not healthy. I don't want to just force myself to watch porn and pmo because of habits. Yes, women are beautiful. Yes, sex is great. But porn isn't real sex and these aren't real life women. They're real, but not in front of me is what I mean. I don't want arousal only from a computer screen. Humans aren't born for that. You don't see lions or whales drawing pictures of sex lol. We shouldn't either. We're animals. Sex is so powerful that if I can get some sexual satisfaction from online then I'm content to keep doing it. It's going to keep preventing me from love and companionship.

Good job on focusing on your assignment and the anniversary with your girlfriend. Resist Diablo 4. I've managed to avoid all social media and don't go on Reddit so I have no idea about upcoming games anymore. I wonder if that could be something of use to you.

It's nice to see you posting again. I'm very sorry for your loss along with the medical complications you've experienced. Sometimes life feels like a war of attrition. You should be extremely proud of yourself for getting through this and sticking to your habit tracker. Take your time with this journey. One event at a time. Remember my struggles with work and home and health earlier this year? I was slowly able to get through one thing at a time until I fixed it all. You can do the same. You already proved it. Good luck

Thank you! It's interesting that I had a huge road trip to get home and drove for 330 miles. At certain points I actually craved porn. It was insane. I held off, but I never really crave porn outside of my house. I'm learning a lot and hope you are too.

Thank you! It's nice to hear from you ? hope you're doing well.

Today I'm 55 weeks free from gaming and 1 week free from porn. It's also my birthday. It has taken a week, but I'm starting to notice my in person attraction to women is increasing. I think watching porn 1 to 3 times per day for 17 years has skewed my desire for human emotional interaction. Reflecting on this has been sobering and I'm embracing the somber feeling of loneliness. I feel like I've programmed my mind to only flirt with women online or be attracted to the ones who look like porn stars. I can easily converse with women in person but only as friends. When they flirt with me and try to get close to me on dates I hold back and get anxiety. I get angry that they'd have the courage to embrace me and try to get closer to me when I don't have that very courage myself. Then I'll fantasize about them later when I'm alone and safe. I'm just afraid of it. It's not just that. I'm disgusted by some women I've met and just made blanket statements to make them all the same when 5 women don't represent 4 billion. I've become a hypocrite because I tell people there are good and bad people in all groups of life and I've ignored it to protect myself. In this protection I have annexed myself from any companionship, love, and connection with women and most likely real friends since I always complain I feel alone from my friends. Quitting porn is now greater than quitting a bad habit. It's about building connections with men and women as friends and women as dates and companions. Porn has made me insecure about myself and my happiness. Watching porn is what I turned to for happiness and emotional interaction for years and it had crippled my heart and outlook on life. For that I apologize to myself. But that's why I'm embracing this pain. When I ignored the pain I didn't learn any lessons. I'd just watch porn again to feel better. I knew how to quit video games after years of failure, self study, and eventually embracing pain to learn and build hope and direction. I just didn't know how to do this yet until recently. I watched the very last episode of Nathan for You and was touched by its message. A lonely man's biggest regret in the twilight of his life is loneliness and not finding love. But at the end he finds hope and the pain is erased. I don't want to wait until I'm 80 for love. I want it now (not forced, obviously). To deal with cravings I've timed that they last about 15 minutes to 1 hour. If I stay alone in my bed they last an infinite amount of time. I change my environment and mental environment to eliminate the thoughts. I haven't craved porn though. I just feel like my body is healing in an emotional way. I can't describe it. I'm hopeful. Thank you

You always have a voice. Sometimes voices are heard through song, others are heard through poetry, and others are shown in various other mediums. My analogy there is no matter the situation you always have options for your voice to be delivered and received. I know you will find the right way to say how you feel at the right time. Maybe this journey of self improvement and journaling will help you. You always have a voice here at least. If you ever need to talk I will listen as will others. I hope you have a great time with your younger child. This will be a great time to connect 1 on 1. Maybe the weather will be nice and you can find some fun stuff to do. May I ask your profession? If not, no worries.

I like your attitude with these situations. I think the positivity will keep you going through this. It sounds like you're learning a lot with these new opportunities and you just gotta keep going with it. There will be waves where you're overwhelmed and frustrating times. There will also be times like now where you got this and feel great. Keep remembering both feelings and doing your thing. Hope these opportunities work out.

5 day weekend sounds great! Any fun activities planned with the kids? Are things getting a little better with the other half? Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

I hosted my first today. It went really well. I got some more tasks out of the way. I also got my suit for this fucking wedding and just gotta get it over with this weekend. What a joke. The fucking thing is metallic purple. The material is plastic. It's terrible. But it's almost over. I can almost abandon this person. Also, this fucking wedding trip was going to cost $600 for the flight and stuff down there. I'm just gonna drive. I work hard for this cash (everyone does, I know) but jesus christ, I'm not paying $600 for this crap. I'm driving. I've been able to manage my porn addictions a little better. @Phoenixking I read somewhere that the urges for porn last somewhere between 10 and 20 minutes. If I get an urge I'm just going to do something else for 20 minutes and then move on. I know I don't want porn. i want a real woman. I want love. I want companionship. I want someone who also isn't a complete dipshit asshole. That will be my creed to get through this. I also watched a documentary called "The Game Changers". It was really eye-opening. If anyone is interested in physical and mental health I highly suggest watching that on Netflix.

This week and month will be a difficult challenge for me regarding my schedule. I invited maintenance over and they finally found the issue causing vibrations in my apartment. I feel vindicated and validated. A solution will surely come. If not, it's not major and we tried. I have that fucking wedding this weekend. I've chosen to be positive and just take pictures for my dating profile and try to explore. I'm hosting two seminars this Wednesday and next Wednesday for structural engineering and design for 3 hours each. It's cool, but stressful. I think this is my last year doing this. This year I already trimmed teaching each week and other commitments. These will be my next ones. My birthday is this week and everyone wants to see me. I need to get this wedding over with and then register for the 2nd most difficult exam in the country by December 5th. It takes time and I need to prioritize it. I'm just gonna tell people to hang out in December and fuck off until I'm ready. It's my life, don't you forget. I'm 3 days without porn. I'm not aroused, but I really want to do it for fun. I want to break this mindset that it's fun.

Sorry to hear about this cancellation. I hope a new opportunity opens itself up to you that can provide something special and meaningful to you. Just like last time this might take a little to find. Stay positive. Ignore your ex. I think you know yourself well enough and this is confirmation that you have learned so much in the past year and have been improving.

Enjoy these days and be mindful of how you feel now so you can call upon this fit strength in the future when you're lethargic and unmotivated.

I walked 25 miles this weekend in an attempt to get some exercise, go outside, and socialize with friends. It was a lot of fun. I also got lots of pictures to use for potential dating profile pictures. I also bought some new clothes to be more stylish. I'm an attractive man and need to use that to my advantage in dating. This means care about how I look, continue to groom myself and not go two weeks without shaving etc. Women pay attention to that and care that a man cares about themselves because it shows they're not lazy, have self respect and confidence, and might put that same effort into everything else they do. My only issue now is I'm so tired I don't want to do anything tonight. I'm going to try and be ok with that. I don't really want to learn a hobby, draw, etc. It just feels like work. I want to continue to find activities that don't feel like work. I don't need more work. I keep doing that to myself. I failed and watched porn this morning and last night. That was a let down. I didn't even want to watch porn. I just felt that I should watch porn, so I did. I felt this way because I was tired, but didn't want to go to bed and thought it might be fun to see some attractive women online. That let me down and I didn't like it. I think it's just a habit to do before going to bed and getting out of bed. Porn usage makes you lethargic and I have felt so lethargic recently. I'd really like to make that leap to quitting porn on top of being away from games. It's just hard to do. I'm lonely and very attracted to women and use it as a stress relief or a major pleasure point. This means I need to do things for fun more often that are cheaper and not addicting or a negative habit such as eating junk food, etc.

Ah, ok. That makes more sense. I wasn't sure if it was like a Reddit forum with a few hundred people or something.

Today marks 54 weeks without me gaming. It has also been one of the more difficult weeks, but not as bad as last week. I made some unbelievable progress with my parents after last weekend's frustrating time. I really dug deep and just remained the most calm, analytical, and assertive. I made my points and they stuck. They both apologized to me and committed to change. This was a major win for me. The past few weeks have been difficult for me stress wise. Since the beginning of October I've leaned so heavily on porn and it just makes me so sad. I'm being mean to myself by holding my own emotions hostage and manipulating them to "make myself feel better" selfishly. I have probably watched porn once or twice a day minimum over this stretch and three+ times per day on weekends. I need to prove that I can have fun without watching porn. I scheduled fall hikes with friends today and tomorrow with lunch. I also scheduled time to take pictures of myself with my friends taking them. I also have my mini vacation next weekend for that wedding. Things are going to look up because I want them to and the little decisions I make contribute to bigger directions. Thank you for the support recently!

Thank you! I won't give up. I'm Just going to keep moving forward and adjusting. Have a great day as well ?