BooksandTrees

It depends what you're masturbating or having sex for. If it's stress relief then no, not worth it.

I'm so happy this week is over. Oh man. I'm really stressed out and exhausted but I've made it 2 days without masturbation which is big. I have a feeling tonight might be tough. I don't feel well for some reason and I'm very afraid of nausea. I haven't set up my and it's so hot upstairs in my room and like 15 degrees colder downstairs. I just want to sleep and feel better.

Sounds like you're dealing with those roommates better. Did you guys just up and buy a new home? I believe that girl is toxic based on the fact you tried to leave multiple times. She'll somehow contact you from another email or something. Trust me. I've had stalkers before. It's scary. Just be calm and keep blocking and do not engage if she does.

Thanks for the detailed and deep response. I agree. This cycle just needs to end and I think I'm more likely to succeed with a smaller toolbox of potent healing and assessment strategies than the plethora of individual approaches to my many issues. I'd also like to focus on having a more positive energy. I think this will come from cleaner eating, hydration, continued sleep, exercise, and meditation.

I haven't watched porn in 2 weeks, but I gotta be honest I'm addicted to masturbation just as bad as I am addicted to porn. I can think back to the first time I masturbated. It was when I was 12. I couldn't sleep and I was just curious. Ever since then I'd come home from school and I couldn't wait to do it. There wasn't a single thing in the world that could make me feel better than masturbating. I'd watch tv for a few minutes and get triggered by anime characters on TV and attractive women and I'd sprint away. Afterwards I'd feel lethargy. I wouldn't want to do anything the rest of the night. This was another reason I loved video games. I could just easily, mindlessly play games after masturbation. After I gamed I'd feel exhausted and needed a pick me up or an emotional boost. So I'd end every night with masturbation. By the time I was 14 I was doing it twice a day minimum. If you've been addicted to porn or masturbation or sex you know how exhausting it is. Humans weren't meant to orgasm that often. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. I don't even want to hear it. Fuck off. I used to come home from school and design amazing structures and write stories. I never did it again. I'd do the bare minimum at school, game, masturbate, and repeat. I look back at myself and think of the amazing accomplishments I've made with becoming an engineer after being nearly homeless and coming from nothing. I've overcome a severe gaming addiction, I've built a social network, I live independently, and I personally think I'm the smartest person I've met in a natural way, not book smart. Just my capabilities. I'm so tired of feeling sick from porn and masturbation. I used to masturbate so much as a teen that I'd feel sick and ask to stay home for days at a time. My body was in withdrawal from overstimulating my body and producing the chemicals that orgasms release, which mimic heroin addiction. I've just been repeating the same 1-3 week cycles of masturbating a ton, not doing it, recovering, starting again, repeat. I'm fed up. Just because I quit gaming doesn't mean I'm perfect. I may never be perfect, but I'm far from my best self and it angers me. I masturbated 7 times in the past day and I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I was so mindless at work. It was embarrassing. I fucked up a video call in front of my boss and I just want to smash everything around me. I'm fucking burnt out. I'm pissed off. I feel like a fucking junkie. My best friend growing up was similar to me. We played legos, watched anime, did stupid shit for jokes, played games, and were inseparable. His parents abused him. When we were 14 he couldn't see me anymore because of a domestic abuse issue in his family. Once I was 16 I could talk to him again. By that point he became a drinker, smoked cigarettes and weed, did cocaine, hallucinogenics, etc. I lost him and a part of me died. I had never seen such a transformation in my life. I tried for 10 years to help him. I'd sit there for hours on the phone trying to convince him to get clean, help give him advice, etc. I lost him in my mid 20s and it is a tragedy. It's interesting because he was so opposite of me. I was so serious, quiet, focused, intense, passionate, and filled with unbelievable scorn and hatred because of my upbringing. To me he was so happy, loud, flamboyant, different, artistic, and creative. I used to talk to him on the phone every night for a minimum of 1 hour from the age of 7 to the age of 14. I'll never forget his phone number. I hate how I couldn't show him what he was doing to himself. I hate that I couldn't help. I tried so hard. Think of the advice I give on this website. I'd talk to him like that for hours each day. I know it's not my fault. The part that aggravates me is I've buried my memories of him in my addictions. I never tried making a best friend again until 24 and even he's gone and just does his own thing because he's a lone wolf now. My other best friend was the former roommate lost to gaming addiction. I don't have a best friend anymore. I have some random friends that are just there. They don't give me the same level of effort that my old best friends did. Maybe I'm expecting too much because nobody ever talks to their friend all day anymore. Maybe I'm the confused one. The point I make is I remember convincing my friends how different they acted under the influence of their addictions. They were just completely different people and I couldn't get them to see it. The problem is they saw it every day. Addicts aren't stupid. Read any of our journals and you can see the pain in everyone's words because they know they're not their true selves and are drowning in shame and regret about failed potentials. We're not dumb, they're not dumb, you're not dumb, and I'm not dumb. I'm so tired of feeling good about myself and then giving in to addiction. I hate that jubilant smile I get. Just hiding from my pains. Only to sit there like a fucking idiot regretting what I did. I don't want to hear people say I'm being too hard on myself either. I'm being blunt, not cruel. It's been 16 years of this masturbation bull shit and it has limited me from meeting women, making friends, pursuing hobbies, chasing dreams, and following through. I don't deal with stress properly and it shows. I'm alone, I'm struggling to do hobbies, I barely get through the day at work even though i do a good job, I don't do chores, I don't sleep consistently, I just keep doing it. What's it going to take? I'm gonna die one day and it just fucking sickens me that I sit there like such an asshole every fucking night, some mornings, and most afternoons just drowning myself in pity, poor attitude, and addictive behavior. On one hand I'm so proud of myself for getting this far. It's bittersweet because I constantly think of the friends I've lost and seen their lives ruined. I also think of myself not reaching my potential. The issue is I need to taper those thoughts as well. This is where I think I'm too hard on myself. I berate myself for not completing my goals. The issue is I'm attacking myself for the wrong reason. I'm beating myself up for not accomplishing my goals, but celebrating myself when I masturbate. It's the wrong attitude and it's sending me the wrong signals. I should be celebrating myself for working on hobbies and safe stress relief methods and berating myself for continuing bad habits. I'm 2 weeks free of porn and I'm gonna stop the masturbation for a while. If I don't then I'm just going to struggle with intimacy issues with women. After sexual abuse from women I see that as another reason for taking safety in porn because women can't hurt me when I'm alone. I'm going to apply the mindfulness approach. When I have a craving I'll break the situation down logically and just change my environment. I've been doing better with sleep the past few weeks, but not eating. I can do this. It's been a tough few years, but every year is tough. I believe in myself because I have hopes of enjoying life.

Not to mention catfishing from all genders etc. Been suckered by someone when I was a gamer addict 15 years ago. It's dangerous.

If the gym girl says no just be calm and continue your workout and treat her the same way as you did before. It's just a question to her and it can't hinder your day. Just keep on regardless of a yes or no.

Gym girl only. I don't think long distance is good.

Yes. She knows you have feelings for her and uses you for emotional support when she gets treated badly by other men. She's taking advantage of you and doesn't listen to your advice anyways. She only talks to you when she's lonely and doesn't treat you well because you don't know each other in real life so there's no responsibility on her end. She doesn't have to try. She can just complain to you and then walk away without caring.

That's true. I just only have the ability to meet people in real life because I can be authentic. I highlighted why I didn't like the online dating so that case is solved. I'll just stay patient.

I'm tired of anxiety. I have a 9 AM meeting and I woke up at 4 because there's a house cleaning crew that is power washing the house at an unknown time. I have to find a place to park and I know they'll come during my meeting. It's too bright in my room and I can't go back to sleep. I'm now just sitting here like an asshole. Now I'm stressing out about everything. I'm angry that I feel like I'm settling if I don't date a beautiful woman, but most of the beautiful women I've dated are complete assholes who care more about themselves than me and are bad at conversations and generally less intelligent than the ones I'm not attracted to. I'm not trying to sound like a misogynist, but it's been true for the 10 years I've been dating. I'm very good looking and have had no issue meeting women. The ones I get along with most are overweight, not focused on drama, social media, or attention, and have hobbies. They also play less mind games. It's so frustrating that I'm not as attracted to that body style and I'm also worried because I think I'm settling if I don't find a hot woman. I don't understand why I think that way. Do I care more about what other people think than what in personally think? Am I insecure? Or, plot twist, am I having anxiety about my meeting and lack of sleep and trying to hide my thoughts into porn and I've given up porn so now I feel lost? I just think it's too peculiar that I'm thinking about sex and women when I'm stressed out. That's the porn talking. I'm too smart for my addiction to get me again. I'm not hiding in porn anymore. I just gotta handle this.

Write about the triggers and reasons you kept downloading it. You mentioned you only wanted to play with friends. This is the time for you to call real life friends and family. Don't talk to your gamer friends again. It's not worth the stress.

I love it.

Non-essential dental implant. I'm missing a tooth and if I don't put a tooth in then the bone will decay and I'll have a weak bone.

I'm feeling a little better today. I got almost all of my work done. My mailbox key doesn't work because the mailbox is jammed. I still have to get my air conditioners and I still need to finish putting boxes in my basement etc. Everything is just a hassle. I'm just stressed out with work, apartment crap, and other crap. I gotta start studying soon, I wanna do hobbies, I'm tired. etc. I requested a week off from work in July. Today is the first day in weeks I haven't worked overtime and I feel lost. I have energy, but I'm also tired. like I could do hobbies but I'm drained. Idk. I'm upset because most of my hobbies are challenging and I don't want to do anything challenging right now. I don't feel like 3d modeling or writing because i did these all day. Today I'm grateful for my family, my job, and myself for not having to work overtime and doing a decent job.

Right, but read what you just wrote. That tells me you'd be looking for women only and trying to talk to them. I suggested you build a community and new network. It's more important to become friends with men than it is with women right now because I think you are only looking for potential girlfriends and I think you need true friendship right now based on the fact you have only your mom and this random girl you only talk to over the internet that I'm guessing you have hidden feelings for and that's why you're annoyed she dates idiot guys. I think you just need normal friendship right now and this can come from anywhere. You can tell a woman apart from her style of writing and username as well. I'm not trying to be rude towards women by saying you need Male friends right now either. Women make great friends, but I think in your situation you'd be more interested in dating them than being friends. This is bad because if you do date a woman and have a small social network then she's going to take over your whole life. Look at how upset you get with this friend of yours and your mom if something goes wrong. Build a network of friends for yourself over the next few years. I just think you're trapping yourself. If you date a manipulative woman she's going to see what I'm saying and try to take advantage of you. Same goes with manipulative friends who will use you to benefit themselves and guilt you into doing things for them. You should take the same approach @Ikar did. He had nothing after he and his girlfriend broke up. He spent the past 1.5 years finding friends, finding hobbies, moving out of his house, becoming accountable, and moving on. Does he have a girlfriend right now? No. Does he have friends he works out with, plays music with, goes to school with, works with, and does hobbies with? Yes. He's a model of success all gamer addicts should strive to replicate. I did the same thing 8 years ago.

These are really soothing to admire. Good job.

I had oral surgery performed. It's hurting a lot today. I'm trying to work through it but idk. I don't know how long it will last. This blows. I hope I get better soon. I've been pretty stressed since this is my difficult work week and I also have to recover from surgery. I'm having some porn cravings. I'm just going to take a nap. Today I'm grateful for potentially having a successful surgery, finding hand sanitizer for the first time in 4 months, medicine, my job, friends, family, and myself for staying strong so far.

I wouldn't go to the gym until a vaccine comes out lol. Although new York and Massachusetts are lowering their cases, the rest of the country is sky rocketing. It's not worth it in my opinion. Take it easy with the dating thing. Take my advice and maybe join a subreddit or discord for people looking to paint or color with your markers or something. They can give you direct advice as well. I did that with blender and met that girl there after joining it for 3 months.

Responsibility is so important in our personal development. It brings about importance, pride, and reason in our lives. I do best on my own or building something with another. Remember your post so you remember the fun parts of life without gaming.

The band must be fun during the quarantine. I need to get a haircut but I'm considering growing it for a year since I'm already halfway there.

Dude, what are you talking about? I'm sorry to sound aggressive here, but this is bull shit. You can find people off of dating apps. I'm talking to a girl I met in an art community I joined online because I wanted to talk to artists local to me. Get creative and inject yourself into different societies. The virus will be over in December of 2021 and you're in your early 30s or late 20s. You still have like 60 to 70 years after that. Join an art community or weightlifting club. Don't do it with the intent of dating or you'll look desperate. Just do these things because you like the activity and want to be happy. Maybe a hiking group since you like hiking. Dating isn't black or white and I strongly disagree with dating apps. They're a toxic place for all genders involved. Just do stuff you enjoy and you might meet someone while leading a better life because you're doing fun things.

So tonight went really well! We texted a bit and it went great, then we talked on the phone for almost 3 hours! It was awesome. I really enjoyed speaking with her. The conversation flowed smoothly and we had a lot to talk about. We'll see what happens. I spent today relaxing. I watched my show, talked to a lot of different fathers in my family, and then wrote more in my book outline. I tried doing 3d modeling, but I felt overwhelmed because I wasn't in the mood to 3d model. This made me start to panic because if I wasn't in the mood then I must not want to do it and I started to have a panic attack because of it. I called my friend and calmed down after that. I'm allowed to 3d model some days and not all days. I might just be tired from my stressful month of working, moving, and other stuff. I'll try it again tomorrow. Sometimes it's just tough to do a creative hobby you're bad at when you want to just do something without thinking. That's why video games are so addictive. I stood strong and just relaxed. It's going to be ok. Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, community here, the phone call, and myself for recovering from my panic attack and having a great evening afterwards.

Thanks for the insight @Erik2.0 @Ikar and @chiliflavor. I think I'll take this and roll with it. I know that she's busy right now at a double birthday party/family gathering/father's day event, so slow responses mean nothing right now. She seems like a longer texter so we can take turns texting longer things and being flirty from time to time. I am going to try and develop a situation where we are having phone conversations and potentially setting up in person trail walks maybe or something like that. We are starting off as friends because we didn't actually meet on a dating website. We met in a community for mutual interests and it turns out we live 30 minutes from each other. We didn't see what each other looked like and spoke for a month. It's just gotten a lot more personal and meaningful recently and I want to see what happens. My diary is insane. It would take forever to read, but it most certainly highlights my struggles with stress and life and I personally don't know how I avoided video games during the tumultuous year of 2019. I think we all get put through the gauntlet during our recoveries.

I'm feeling anxious today. I've been writing longer letters to a girl and I enjoy that format. I got her number, but I always mess up texting. I'm an expert at longer format or phone or talking in person. I've ruined everything in texts because I never know what's too much or too little. I'm just hoping to move it to phone as fast as possible. It's odd because I'm great at texting friends and family, but not women. I just struggle. It's just hard for me to convey my personality and also keep up conversation. I'd rather just have one letter or conversation. I don't like how texting is so open ended and lasts all day. Like there's no closure to the conversation. You don't know where you stand. It's terrible for someone with anxiety to be honest. I'd rather have a call and get it over with. Plus it's more personal and you can read the person's reactions more. I've stopped talking to women who don't write a lot in texts because I thought they didn't want to talk to me and they got upset because they liked me. God it's so difficult to text for me. I think it's so lazy and broad and worthless sometimes. This sucks. Plus you just sit there waiting. They could respond fast or slow and I just sit there thinking I wrote something wrong. It's terrible. Just terrible. I hate it. Plus there's so many games like waiting or something. I just get so anxious and depressed. I just want to watch porn and sleep for days and escape this. I really like this girl though and I want to enjoy today because I don't have to work. I've got to do what I did with video games. Let's break this down. Watching porn would make me more anxious and upset because I haven't watched it in a week. Sleeping would piss me off because I have goals to enjoy today and be happy. So how do I resolve this? I have to trust that if I spoke to this woman for 1 month she'll be better and more eager to text than a normal person. So I need to take my time. If I get this anxiety I'll do deep breathing and some exercise. I am ok.