BooksandTrees

Welcome to the forums. I'm 88 weeks without games and never deleted the account. Deleting them before made me miss it and I felt the ambition to create a new, better account from scratch. So for me it helped to just abandon the account and not give rare items away or something. I just told everyone I quit and left. Good luck.

Oh... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!@!!@!!@!!+!!!!+!!@!!!!!! You might find that after a few months it goes down to 9 or something. Didn't you say you did 12 a few times? This could be a slow effect.

Thank you. I'm a little uncertain because I don't know how comfortable a woman would be sharing a life with me and stuff, but I'm not thinking about that anymore. I'm just enjoying 1 day at a time and if multiple days become bad I'll end it. If multiple days are good then I'll extend it.

Thank you! We'll see what happens.

Like...normal chocolate chip pancakes without chocolate chips and with fish instead? Please tell me you did not do this. I might cry. This could impact our friendship lol. The body is sensitive. I wouldn't get upset over this. It's easy to focus on it. I've been injured from having my desk elevated too high or not tying my shoes. It's just about doing things your body appreciates and can do without adhering to something different. Take them as learning experiences.

This can be one of the biggest triggers for relapse since boredom produces stress, which produces anxiety, which produces triggers to game. So stay strong and good job so far.

This is great. Focus on school. It's so important to build your future. It helped transform my life and I'll forever be grateful to myself for the sacrifices I made in my 20s to set my life up in my 30s and onward. I also use this journal to focus on other issues. It's a good community. I think other communities like nofap you're almost invisible. This website is a lot better for interaction. Congrats on 60 days. That's a great step.

This is honestly a good combination to have so I would enjoy it lol. It's good you're accepting this at the moment. This is unfamiliar for game addicts and can often lead to relapse if not accepted. Meow

This is so difficult. It's about finding that comfort in activities you're interested in. I'm recently finding this with trail walking, sculpting, tv shows, reading, and music. I tried combining these because I got bored meditating and wanted to quit porn. People said it would help me quit porn. The issue is it's way stronger and more addictive I found. I did find a good app called insight timer that was good for guided meditation over other trendy apps. Masturbation will likely be difficult even if we found a girlfriend. So be proud of the fact you're limiting it.

Today I'm 88 weeks free from gaming, 90 weeks free from social media, and 3 weeks free from porn and PMO. I can't believe I'm almost 1 month without porn. I find that when I'm bored I sometimes get the urge to scroll through porn sites and just see what the new updates are. But I stop myself and move on to other things. I'm finally on vacation. I'm so happy I can barely describe it. I have 9 straight days off. I spent today fixing the last things in my apartment to make it fully moved in. It was great. I also learned how to 3d sculpt instead of model. I was having a lot of frustrating using Blender to 3d model because there are generally two ways to model. You can do hard surface modeling where you kind of use a mixture of math and critical thinking to create shapes/meshes for your scene. I got frustrated by this because it required too much critical thinking. I normally enjoy critical thinking, but after using AutoCAD all day along with doing intense mathematical calculations for 8-12 hours there's no way I want to do it for more. It makes 3d modeling feel like work and I get burnt out even more. It's not refreshing. Newsflash! There's more than 1 way to model. I can sculpt. So my friend taught me how to 3d sculpt in Blender for 2 hours today and I picked it up extremely fast. You guys, this was amazing. This felt so liberating to me. I didn't have to calculate node coordinates, I didn't have to learn any crazy commands to make things move or anything. All I had to do was click, drag, repeat. It was so mindless to me. I felt free. It was like coloring in a coloring book. If I brought in a reference image and made the virtual clay fit the extents of the reference image it just felt exactly like coloring in a coloring book. I didn't have to think at all. It was so relaxing. I finally felt rejuvenated from a hobby. This is mind blowing for me. I have been telling people "I wish I could just draw in a coloring book after work since it's so relaxing, but it's useless and has no purpose for me. I just feel like I'm wasting time." Now I can just listen to music and sculpt mindlessly after work for a while. This is why I loved RuneScape. I could just sit and click on things mindlessly after work, listen to music, talk to friends, and just relax. I'm not making fun of people who enjoy coloring books either. It's just the way my mind works. I need to be making progress in my hobbies to feel like my life has meaning and it only comes from reaching goals that I'm proud of reaching. I really miss mindlessly gaining exp from getting stats for hours. It's soul calming. This artwork is hopefully going to do that for me. In other news, things are going very well with this woman I'm talking to and I'm so excited to talk to her. We have our first video chat tomorrow so we'll see what happens. I'm trying not to get too mushy with her. We've been talking for almost 1.5 months now. We've had about 4 phone calls in the past 2 weeks and tomorrow will be our first video call. I think things are going well. We have a lot in common and her personality is just amazing. I've felt so much comfort and excitement getting to know her. She gets me and isn't too earthy crunchy, fake, or irritating. I'm pretty decent looking and have good qualities and I will say I just immediately turn women away when they start annoying me. It happens so much. I'm very particular. There are so many things that people do that bother me. My life is so important to me and I'm not going to waste a second of it with someone I dislike. So the fact that we've been talking for almost 2 months is extraordinarily rare in my world. We'll see. I hope something good happens, but I'm not depending on it. There's a difference between being happy to talk to a significant other and being a complete cuck/simp who is just desperate to not be alone and settling with someone out of desperation. We're both talking to each other in our own way without desperation. It's very natural. I'm kind of worried about relapsing with porn. This meditative masturbation method I was using is very time consuming and it leaves me feeling lightheaded and I don't like it. It's way more powerful than normal. I don't want to get addicted to it so I'm cutting it off. I think it would be a worse addiction than porn for me. It is one of the main reasons I'm not watching porn. It feels way better and that's a problem. I shouldn't be turning to sex to deal with emotional problems or boredom. So I'm getting rid of it. I also just dislike how it disorients me. I'm a control freak and I'm not about that.

He's beautiful! I love birds and I've never seen an owl in the wild before! So lucky.

I'm finally on vacation. I got all of my work done early and took the rest of the day off. I went for a 1.5 hour walk but got kind of bored around 1 hour into it. I think I'll keep my walks to an hour. I still find that things are not as fun as video games after over a year and a half of being game free. It's just a struggle I think I'll always have. I remember listening to heroin addicts say nothing in their life ever feels as good as being on heroin, but the pain they felt when crashing from it or the danger they put themselves in to use it daily was the reason it wasn't worth it. I find watching that show intervention to be helpful. Like, I know most of the activities I do in life will never be as fun as playing RuneScape or Overwatch again. I know that. I just never want to go back to the addictive pull of it. I enjoy feeling bored sometimes. I used to get anxiety when feeling bored or tired and force myself to play more games. Now I can appreciate that I'm tired and allow myself to relax. It's much healthier. As for tonight, I'm a little tired. I feel like I should be 3d modeling or something, but I don't want to invest any mental energy into stuff right now. I really would rather play games and watch porn and enjoy my night until 2 or 4 AM. I won't though. I just get upset that I don't want to be creative at night. Like I don't want to write my cartoon, book, or animate my little creations. It just feels like work. The funny thing is I tried giving up before. I originally started writing my cartoon in 2017 and I thought it was too much work so I just played RuneScape and Overwatch instead. But I just kept regretting not working on it. I just don't think anyone wants to do their creative hobbies. It's a chore. I think it's only something you can do a short amount of time each week. I sometimes. I think I'm just burnt out and don't want to do anything I view as hard. I don't have fun with my animation hobby because I feel like I have to learn too much and it stresses me out. I can't get over the fact that I know it's going to take years to learn. I just want to know it all now and not struggle with it. I also don't really want to write. I don't know what I want to do. I'd rather just play sports and play video games and have sex. That's really all I want to do. I don't care about hikes or anything. I feel so lost. This is a very hopeless feeling. I enjoy animation when I actually do it. Just the thought of starting is so miserable that I want to cry almost.

You can quote our posts and tag us with the @ symbol before our names. We won't know if you respond otherwise.

You're doing great. I'm still proud of you. I'm sorry for your pain and wish I could help. I wanted to share with you a flower I took a picture of. The bees can represent your children and the colors can represent your energy and warmth.

I think I deleted most of my posts in the 30s and 40s pages of my diary lol. I have quite the mouth.

Thank you. I had to delete my post. I'm just frustrated.

I gotta delete this as well. Sorry.

Thanks. I just think I'm losing my grips. I hate everything. I'm going down a dark and hopeless path.

Deleted. Don't talk about it or quote. This world is a disappointment.

I'm, you guessed it, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttt ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttt. I barely made it through today and left early. I can't focus. I have nothing in me right now. I've worked 60+ hours per week since covid 19 started. All these people talking about free time on their hands. I'm extremely jealous of them. Work has become my life. I can't escape it. It's so miserable. I did not enjoy my life from April to now. This is terrible. I haven't even noticed COVID19 because all I do is wake up, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, eat, watch tv, sleep, and repeat. Every day for months. I'm tired. I can't even work on hobbies. It's utterly impossible for me to work on my cartoon or writing when I just feel so burnt out. I finished 5 projects in the past 2 weeks that I've had lingering and I got put on 2 new ones. I don't want to start them. I don't want to look at work. I'm just fucking tired. This is horrible. I will say I figured out a system to get my air conditioner in my office so I can be cool in here during the summers. It's making me happier and I enjoy this room again. I think it will help me be more productive. I went for a 1 hour walk today with my friend. It felt so good to get outside. I'm so tired from it. It was the first time I've exercised in almost 3 months. I doubt I walked more than 2 miles. I was lightheaded and just felt delirious out there. But it felt right at the same time. If you started exercising for the first time in months you might relate to this tiredness. Just having your body not used to it. I want to sleep but at the same time go out and run. I'm so happy I could do that. I'm gonna nap today and do it again tomorrow. I miss my strength. I can't wait until this fucking vacation. I'm going to just adhere to a life I love and stick to it. I might not write much on other people's posts for a bit. I just don't have the energy lately. I'm spent and have nothing. Today I'm grateful for walking, my friends, air conditioning, food, water, my family, and myself.

I gotta start doing mine again. I think it just became like work because I was tracking so much data lol. I might simplify it. Glad to see you're doing well.

I'm burnt out. This vacation can't come soon enough for me. I haven't told many of my friends or family about my vacation. I don't want anyone bothering me or trying to take up my time. I say this because work takes up all of my time and it's unforgiving. I have a few trail walks planned with certain friends, but I'm keeping it secret otherwise. I really want this vacation to hone in on the life I need to live, not want to live. It's becoming evident that I need to wake up with intention and exercise. I think it's too early for me to do yoga because I don't view yoga in that way. I view yoga in a light of healing, mindfulness, and using it to gather my thoughts, body, and soul on the mat in paying intention towards myself after a long day. Exercise in the morning needs to be thoughtless, vivid, and define a path of energy and life for me to harness and utilize during the day. This might not be shared by others, but for me this makes sense. I have too much pent up frustration inside of me. I want to release my scorn like a volcano bombards its magma onto the world. But you know, in a healthy way. I'll be writing 2-4 hours each day and 3d modeling 2-4 hours each day followed by 2 hours of exercise and 2-4 hours of relaxation. That's going to be tough, but it's what I want to try. I want to build my confidence with animation and writing and try to overcome the approach anxiety I face when beginning to work on tasks. I need to welcome these as outlets for my creativity like the arms of a mother embracing you and encouraging you to share with her. Today I'm grateful for my therapist, my job, my apartment, my food I made, my friends, my family, the community here, and myself for somehow floating along.

Very warm colors indeed! I hope your 3rd treatment went well. Wishing you lots of luck and strength.

Welcome to the forums! I hope you find this community helpful in your recovery. You did a great job outlining your history, triggers, and goals here. Take your time on this journey. This is now your quest for peace, being patient with yourself, and lots of learning. Feel free to reach out for support with many of us and read along with us as well. Good luck.

Good luck with the new job. Moving stinks, but you'll be able to settle in slowly over the next few days. Just stay patient and pace yourself.