BooksandTrees

Thanks and welcome back. I don't think anyone would enjoy reading my diary in its entirety lol. I ramble on a lot. I think I have to credit my shift to antidepressants to be honest. I'm not ruminating on bad things anymore. Also helps I enjoy where I live for the most part now.

Thanks. I woke up super early today without an alarm so maybe that's a sign lol. Yeah, I hear you on dating. I just think it's too dangerous in America since we're passing 12 million cases of covid19. I'd like to try and wait a little longer. I had some friends and family acquire it through dating and that got me paranoid.

Today I'm 108 weeks free. I am very tired today. I haven't slept well all week and I honestly slept off and on for about 11 hours today. I'm just gonna do some self care stuff this weekend and just relax and get in a better mood. I was thinking of doing a couple hours of 3d modeling or writing today. Not a lot, just 1-3 hours tops. I feel like I was so burnt out by the end of the week that I ate so poorly. I had ice cream for lunch yesterday. I think it's just my body craving good things. The interesting thing is I wasn't watching a ton of porn or anything this week. I think I was just zoning out and had a major lack of focus. I'm going to meal prep today to avoid anymore stupid food decisions and just relax.

I had another productive day at work by solving more problems and making progress on other tasks. I'm getting to be in a good spot. I had a good therapy session as well and uncovered some anger issues. My drum set comes in 1 week now. I can't wait to play it.

I don't think I want a relationship. I came to the conclusion that I only want a relationship so someone can notice me but I think it's a subliminal message emanating from my soul begging me to notice myself and explore my passions. After buying my drums, doing better at work and exercising, I've started to love myself more. I was looking for someone to love me so that I could love myself. I won't find a relationship until I've built a real relationship with myself and love myself. I hate others because I don't fully love myself. I project this hate onto others. Done.

I deleted the dating apps again. I'm done with them. I only did it because I was lonely. I'd rather watch porn than talk to the women on dating apps. Terrible pool of singles. Just terrible.

I ordered my drum set today and should get it in a couple weeks. I also solved some big problems at work that I was stuck on and feel wonderful about it. I'm really proud of myself and coworkers today.

So I'm wait listed on buying weights until December since so many people bought them. Brutal.

I went for a trail walk and out to dinner with my friends today. I really enjoyed it. Also going to check out a music store tomorrow to practice some electronic drums and see if I like it.

I gotta be honest this reminds me of the advice i give people who try to say they need to reach 90 days or 6 months without gaming and have no goals for the days they spend. Very good advice. I think what I'll do is aim at having more fluid conversation on apps, presenting myself in a more appealing way, and going on dates.

I stopped talking to a woman who was using me emotionally. I personally don't think I can have a relationship. I just can't do things emotionally. I don't trust relationships.

Congrats on the new job and good luck with the exam. This is great news.

Dude, I'm gonna sound like an asshole and I apologize. Cut the shit. You relapsed. This doesn't define you and you're only a failure because you're saying you're a failure. In my opinion, I think you're doing a great job. You were nearly a professional overwatch player. I was a professional nhl player. It took me 5 years to officially quit gaming once I recognized I was ruining my life with NHL. At this time in your life you're in your young 20s. Men need to go through a transformation in their 20s to lay out a path in front of them in search for greater meaning in life. You mention how you just exist. We all just exist. We live to make society a better place and do things we enjoy. Life is meaningless in the sense that the universe could potentially infinite. That's why gaming is so peaceful and safe. You enjoyed gaming and that's why you played. Everytime you play now you start to resent it because you feel you have the potential to serve a greater purpose in life. This is why you feel like a failure when you relapse. You don't want to play anymore but don't have other things to dedicate yourself to. This is where a job helped me. I work a lot and care about getting the job done and helping the team. Employment is important, but you need to appreciate progress. Start looking at this purely as mathematics. Count how many hours per month you spent playing games in 2019 and compare it to 2020. You'll notice it's cut in half or more. That's incredible progress. I used to play 18 hours per day for years and now I don't play. That doesn't happen over night. Every time you have a meltdown like this you need to slash water on your face and tell yourself to shut up and count the improvement you've made. Sorry to sound like an asshole, but sometimes you need to just wake up. Keep up the good work and just read what I wrote with humility and don't get defensive. Just read my words.

I think one of the reasons we feel so stressed out while quitting is figuring out a structure to life. It looks like you have a good amount of activities accumulated and are going through the natural process of piecing together something tangible. Don't let the schedule define you but allow yourself the freedom to partake in those activities you feel like doing and rank them with priority when needed. Maybe you need to clean or pay a bill etc.

Today I'm 107 weeks from gaming. I'm going to play board games with my friends this weekend who have all been socially distancing. It is a very small get together of 3 people so I'm hoping it is a safe one. I saw 2 friends last weekend who have been socially distancing and I am fine now. I am cleaning my house today, fixing my car, and ordering the drums and weights. I think it would be a good idea. I'm still having offputting dreams but I'm managing to sleep a little more. Dating apps hit a frustration point for me this week but I'm going to stay patient. I know I historically delete these after 2 weeks and this was the 2nd week. I promised my therapist I'd try for 3 months to 6 months for an equal chance because I think things come in waves and sometimes waves last a few weeks.

Your new job is gonna be stressful for the first year so buckle in and have a good mindset. You'll be so driven to do well because you want to leave a first impression and not be forced to go back to your old job. To be honest, 3 years after switching jobs I still have nightmares about having to work at my old company again with my old bosses. It doesn't go away easily. The way I get over this is just know that my old coworkers liked me and if I'm acting the right way I'll make friends with new coworkers. If I need help I'll ask and show initiative. If I don't understand they'll have empathy because they just hired me and want my transition to work out. Breathe.

I don't distance run unfortunately. I walk but I get winded after 1 mile and get bored running longer. Maybe i need to listen to something.

That's what I was hoping. I never liked the gym anyways.

My neighbor woke me up at 430 this morning along with my other neighbors. Did I mention I'm done living near people? Fuck off

I'm considering buying home gym equipment. I miss exercising with weights and I think it will help release pent up stress. I'll think about it this weekend now that I'm in a better piece of mind. I still feel that my emotional vulnerability at the moment can lead to anger at any moment so I want to find healthy ways to Express it. I won't gameplan too much like before. I'm just going to practice hobbies, exercise, sleep, socialize, relax, and eat and drink water.

Thanks. I think I've done a better job at tuning stress out this week. I'm still a little anxious, but I'm getting more accomplished at work and around the house. I've also socialized quite a bit this week. I watched a few movies and am just trying to enjoy my downtime. I kind of compare the absence of studying to the absence of video games because it was an immediate purpose after work and consumed the rest of my day. Maybe I was uncomfortable with the extra time again.

Sometimes I feel like I can't handle emotional pain so I turn to anger to shield me. My therapist agrees. I am in pain right now. Lots of pain and uncertainty.

I guess my issue is I feel so insanely alone in life. People only speak to me for their own benefit most of the time. I have a few friends from work and maybe 2 outside of work who treat me well so I'll take it. I just want to yell at my other friends. I feel evil to be honest and I don't like it. I wish I felt good.

Maybe this is just my opportunity to control my anger and decide not to be angry. I feel like I could tell myself to lose my temper or forget it and go to bed. The only thing is I'm unsure what I'm angry about in general. I'm lonely and would like a girlfriend, sure, but I wasn't thinking about that today. I was more upset about me jeopardizing my future by being stupid at work. I am so upset with myself. But what is that doing? It's making me more upset. I can rationalize my emotions and get through this. I'm not bound and I'm not loose. I choose to find myself in a good position in life.

It's like someone peering through the window and you're the glass window. There's always something better right through it.