BooksandTrees

@Veraand @Mouxine I appreciate the replies and agree with parts of both perspectives. Here's my take: I'm struggling with instant gratification habits and have been for years. I think it's due to a few things: not being fulfilled or happy with the core direction of my life; coping mechanisms for traumatic abuse in my life; and stress releases from neglecting healthy social, physical, and mental release. I'm not facilitating my creative needs with my career. I never will. I feel trapped and upset. My job is so unique and difficult that it requires intense critical thinking for virtually every task and they're all new, so it requires constant learning. There is a difference between this and creative problem solving. Most of the challenges in my field are not solved by creative designs or thought processes because everything is governed by federal design standards and have almost no wiggle room. You just have to know where to look in design manuals and apply plug and chug equations. If something makes the equations work then that's your design. It's nothing thought provoking. Due to the nature of my thinking requirements at work I'm left utterly brain dead at home and drained. I go to the gym or find a fun exercise to feel better, or socialize with a friend or both, but this leaves me exhausted in a balanced way in all the areas. The problem with this is that I feel happy when I'm balanced, but it only lasts a short period of time because after my body is healthy, I realize I'm still unhappy. The career I lead is boring. If I get a girlfriend or a family, I'll work to make money for them, which will make me happy, but I won't be achieving my dreams. I saw too many people in my life do this and they have nothing but regret now. I'm not doing it. I want to find a life that makes me happy to be alive. I shouldn't be enjoying only 1 to 3 days per week. I should be enjoying over half the week. When my ultimate happiness is nonexistent then it really doesn't matter what I do to balance my life out. Cutting bad habits uncovers the source of my unhappiness and reasons for turning to bad habits in the first place. I will not stand it anymore. You can only replace bad habits with good ones. I replaced gaming with exercise, socializing, and a few hobbies. I'm free now. I need to replace porn with real sex and a girlfriend. I love passionate romance with scintillating sex and don't feel bad about it. I don't even want kids. I just want to find that woman who I will enjoy that life with. I want love and lust together and believe it's right. I've hidden away from it through porn, lack of confidence, fear of it failing before it starts since I've seen relationships fail too often with cheating, abuse, and neglect. I also fear if I get a relationship I'll be stuck in my career. But I've talked about leaving for 5 years now. 5 years is long enough to know it's not working. Yes, I'm making money and getting healthcare, but I'm just so fucking uninterested. I even have fantastic coworkers, a great company who lets me work on every style of project in my industry, and promotes me. I left a bad job for this one and I don't like it most of the time. That's the reason I got infatuated with my coworker. She makes me enjoy the office because I enjoy her presence. She made me happy in a place I was void of any happiness whatsoever. I forgive myself for being angry. It's not her fault. We both flirted and I finally felt happiness after not being happy at work for 5 years. Happiness is so rare and powerful and I just met it with unmatched hunger and then anger. Anger for the fact I'm not happy, anger for realizing I can't be happy with my current life and with this woman who we all know isn't totally interested and dating at work is bad anyways. I need a new life where my heart feels something other than aches, heartburn, and a pit of sorrow. I'm tired of crying in my car or on my walks around my parking lot 3 times per day. I'm done. I want to live life.

Thank you for the words. I agree. I'm getting better here. I also agree with the first point. I just feel like I've only collected a pay check over the years.

I just feel like I can't pull myself out right now. I really dislike so much about my life. I just want to go away and be alone or something. Just frustrated everywhere. Also, I was 100% right about my coworker. If i didn't lean into her cubicle to talk to her and just acted normal she ignored me. She literally ignored me all day except for asking for help. But she sat at lunch and talked to everyone and only talked about herself. This is how that girl from 2 years ago acted. If I didn't give her attention she'd ignore me and never ask how I'm doing. I'm so angry that I fell for this AGAIN. How much of a fucking loser am I? These selfish people fucking make you feel special when you're nothing to them. That's not the only reason I'm depressed today. The huge post at the top of this page is. I just wanted to update the people keeping tabs on my life. Thanks

Today's another disaster mentally. I'm so depressed I can't stand it.

It's tough, but this journey we're on opens our eyes to so many things that we can improve in our lives. All we can do is focus on a few at a time and just decide whether or not that activity is really the best idea. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Thanks. I think I'll be ok. At the core of my issues are 2 large issues among others. 1 is life satisfaction and the other is a relationship growth and confidence. I think porn and these instant gratification things treat the symptoms but not the cause.

I relapsed with porn today. I made it 9 days. I'm more at peace right now than depressed. I'm actually not depressed at all. That was the longest I've gone without it by 2 days. Honestly, I'm under the impression that I'm going to struggle with quitting porn. I needed 4 years to quit gaming and I'm on month 2 of porn. I've cut my usage down from 15 times per week to less than once per week. I'm making progress. I'm not angry. I understand how hard this is to quit. I went to the gym, ate healthy food, took a cold shower, but couldn't do my hobbies. My mind was gone. Off to try another steak.

I'm not ok. I am struggling a lot with many things. To summarize porn addiction, you can watch a video called "Your Brain on Porn" by What Ive Learned on YouTube. The effect it has on your mind is similar to a cocaine addict. It's unreal. I apologize for sounding crude, but right now I want to have sex more than anything in the world and it's driving me insane lol. I also was so bored at work today. I was given 8 hours to do a task and I finished it in 30 minutes and had nothing to do. Not good if you're questioning your career and battling porn, social media, and video game addictions. I managed to go to the gym and feel better, but the cravings are still there. I have time to write now because of how I set my day up, but I don't want to. My mind is all over the place. I sound like a pig or something. I can't help it. This is terrible trying to quit porn when you're single and can't do anything.

I'm going to relapse today. I know it. I don't want to gi ti the gym. I had to miss last week anyways. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna work out for an hour and then have to not go because of vacation and stuff. I'm so tired. Even if I don't relapse today I'll do it tomorrow or something. Fuck.

I'm depressed. I'm getting tired of living at home. I can't discuss why because I don't have permission to talk about them and don't think it's fair to do that publicly. I also have frustrations with work, but don't want to write about it publicly either. These issues have left me depressed. I build frustration during the day and just want mental and physical release. That's another reason I crave porn, but it doesn't fix life issues. I worked with my artists on Saturday and had so much fun. I really just want to produce content and be a writer. My life is stale. I don't want to enjoy life or relax because that takes time away from my writing which could lead to a new life. But I'm also depressed because I'm not having fun! Haha I can't fucking win! I can win. It's about balance. If i keep thinking about depression and sadness I'm going to be miserable all day. That's why I'm writing here. My steps now are to get through work, don't take a lunch break and eat at my desk so i can leave earlier, view this rock climbing gym with a friend because I wanted to be more social and physical, maybe meet a woman who is physically fit, etc. I can write at home and still have a few hours. I got to work earlier so i could leave earlier. I'm tired of not living life because of situational depression. I want happy and empowering environments. I also am tired of not being happy. I'm tired of not going out there and living life and challenging myself to meet the woman I deserve, see the place I want, eat the food I want. I'm making enough money for this, but I'm so tired at the end of the day. I work 8 to 10 hours a day, commute 2.5 hours each day, and go to the gym for an hour. Let's say that's 14 hours a day, plus 8 hours of sleep is 22 hours a day. In those 2 spare hours I'm so tired I can't work on my cartoon or side projects. Then I have friends trying to see me on weekends. So I squeeze the most out of each week and then pack my weekends. This lifestyle screams failure. If I'm working that hard with a 15% happiness rate there's no puzzle as to why I'm watching porn and used to game. I'm looking for anything to balance my unhappiness with happiness. Say I get 8 hours of sleep each day and say I have 16 hours of day. I'm unhappy for 12 to 14 of those hours. That is anywhere from 75 to 87.5% unhappy for 5 days a week. Weekends I'm unhappy for about 50% of the time. Look at that! I'm not crazy for being unhappy. I know it. Life wasn't meant to be this garbage. I'm not being treated poorly at work or anything. They treat me like gold and my coworkers are wonderful. I just think there's more to life than this. The young and happy coworker that bothered me takes long lunches, leaves early, and does little work when not distracting me. Just annoying. Also, I'm daydreaming again because I'm just happier working on projects I enjoy. I'm not enjoying things right now or ever in my career or internships. They've been a major disappointment. It's just hard to stay focused sometimes in work when I'm not enjoying life. I get so jealous of happy people. I see all my time getting eaten away. I also see that I keep fucking volunteering for things. I'm stopping this in April because I can't back out of something now, but I'm tired of this shit. I'm not happy or enjoying life at all and I'm supplanting happiness with work and instant gratification. I know I'm overthinking right now, but I think this is more of a meltdown than daydreaming. They are causing daydreams. I'm just so fucking bored. If I do something boring I just lose interest and even if I get the chance to do something fun I just don't want to. I just want to go home and sleep or watch porn. Stupid. So stupid. I'm so tired from doing nothing. I ask to do work and finish it. Then it has to get checked but there's a huge queue of work to be checked so I just sit here. I keep adding to this. I'll stop.

I really want to watch porn, but I really don't want to be depressed again, especially since I'll be on vacation in 3 days and it usually takes me 3 days to not be depressed. This blows lol. I really would love to watch, but it's not going to make me feel better. I think I just really want some intimacy or something. I'll go to bed instead.

I've dealt with this often and wrote about it a while back in my diary. Have you considered writing your goals list? If you have one, is it overwhelming? There are so many ways to make your goals more palatable and easier to attain. If you'd like to talk about this I'd be happy to help. Loving yourself is hard to do. I don't believe in the phrase love yourself as much as others, because when we're depressed it can be hard to love others. My approach with this is just cutting out bull shit that aggravates you, stresses you out, or angers you, etc. If something is bothering you in real life, figure out what it is, and learn how to make it less impactful to your life. If you find yourself being difficult on yourself for not achieving goals, then you just have to make your system more efficient for yourself. It's just sort of cleaning up your act and forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for not achieving your goals because you might not know how to accomplish your goals yet. That takes time. I'm not saying you don't know what you're doing when I suggest this. I am just saying that not many people know what their true goals are, how to get them, which ones to get first, and more. I don't believe in the loving yourself like others. I am not self absorbed and hate to just think of how wonderful I am because my father used to do it and it pisses me off. I see so many selfish people doing that and it sets me off. What I do is I don't beat myself up anymore for messing up on things, support myself by eating better, exercising, sleeping properly, and then being social with friends, balancing my life out, and making sure I provide myself time and balance to later achieve my goals. I'm rambling, but you get the point. Don't concentrate on loving yourself like others. Just concentrate on making simple decisions which will improve your life. Those simple decisions lead to big changes which will improve your life. If you improve your life it means you love yourself and are making life better for yourself.

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Good job resisting the urges. I love going to the gym and talking to the women there when I get the chance lol. I'm not creepy. I just say hi in passing and talk to the people at the front. If conversation feels right or a quick joke I go for it. Fuck it, why not? They're attractive and in shape, something I'm looking for.

Sorry to hear that. Do the 3 of them sleep in the same room? Is there anything you can do to start a nighttime routine for them to practice with you like reading that can get them to get excited for sleeping instead of getting scared? Can you give them a placebo? Like a special teddy bear or stuffed animal that protects them at night and in their dreams no matter what?

I know what you mean. I'm an ENTJ -T for turbulent commander. I've agreed with the write up. I looked at this back in November I believe and really enjoyed the read. I noticed my daydreaming problems when my father would make me do his errands with him. He'd have me wait in the car for 30-45 minutes at a time while he would flirt with women in random buildings and cheat on my mom. Or he'd force me to watch him wash his truck for 30-40 minutes at a time. Or he'd keep me on the boat for hours and not talk to me. I had to keep myself entertained. I went on adventures with friends in my head, learned new hobbies in my head, did all kinds of stuff in my head. It is sad and it lead to me not wanting to make friends or do anything. I fully lived my life in my head going on crazy adventures, traveling, seeing things, etc. If he was abusing me or my mom I'd have to close my mind out from reality and put myself in a safe spot in my mind so i could be protected. It was my escapism before video games. I did escapism with gaming, porn, daydreaming, TV shows, etc. Really sucks, but abusive and neglectful parents really suck lol.

It really does. That's how you know it's bad for you. We're gonna get through this. You'll be able to fill that time again for the gigs and photo shoots. And it's only a few more hours until you see your gf anyways. Take this time for yourself, go for a walk, visit a garden or something, etc.

You're welcome! I believe in you. Porn and video games go hand in hand. We gotta stay strong and keep learning from ourselves and others.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm fucking proud of you for not watching porn. You had watched it when your grandma died. If you don't see this as a huge stepping stone and learning experience I don't know what is. You're incredible. Also, nice job with the mom conversation. That's important and maybe the relationship can be salvaged if you find yourself ready. I also hear you about porn cravings. I'd explain features that I'm attracted to, but I don't want it to be a trigger for you at this time. A girl I'm talking to has short hair and I find it ugly, but she's been a great person so far and I'm trying to give it a chance.

Good job with your progression. Nobody just quits. I feel like we quit, fail repeat until we start learning and studying why we fail. Then we recognize it's a bad thing, like when our parents taught us touching fire was bad. You're doing this the right way so keep that in mind. Also, I do the same thing with porn. I'll be fine and then I sit in my room alone and all of a sudden I feel like if I don't watch porn then I'm going to be bored, have an anxiety attack, and the world will end. I'll watch and then get disgusted by it and myself. I then quit for longer periods of time. I did the same with video games. Now I don't need video games and I know I'll do it with porn. I know you can do the same. Keep being a student.

Hey, welcome back, I agree with you about this being an addiction. I was talking to my therapist about it because I mentioned that I was living a lifestyle that had many addictions and bad habits that were being concealed by gaming. It's like a movie where you think the main character beats the bad guy, video games, after he and his people were terrorized by it, but then there's other bad guys to beat like porn addiction, day dreaming and fantasizing, then thinking bad about myself, having low confidence and putting myself down all day. People say don't be negative to ourselves, but deep down inside I think we're being negative because we have so many bad habits such are detrimental to our happiness overall and it's some sort of defense mechanism to get us to stop. This leads to depression. Depression to me is suppressed rage and anger, not sadness and sorrow. Self understanding has opened a lot of doors. Let's change our paths.

Today I'm 20 weeks free of gaming. This is pretty great. I realize that I sometimes delve into these thought processes where I fixate on thoughts, allow myself to daydream, and I start to just ruminate in the world of my imagination. This is good for writing and creating stories, but it's not good for life. If I meet a girl I start to daydream what it would be like to go on one date, several dates, be in a relationship, go and travel, etc. I don't do it for any crazy reason. I just enjoy daydreaming and thinking about stories and life. I do this with hobbies, pretending to play sports, etc. I just see a fantasy in my mind and play it out until I'm done thinking about it. This isn't good with meeting women because I start to daydream about everything and then I go watch porn or something. I apologize if that sounds vulgar or something, but it happens after a while and I'm learning to not do that anymore. It's like I live out a life with these fantasies and don't actually care to hang out. That leaves me lonely, empty, and sad. This happened when I had that meltdown last month about meeting a girl at a brew fest and then getting ignored. I flirted, she was very responsive, I daydreamed about being in a long term relationship, got fantasizing, watched porn, lost interest in talking, and I just awkwardly kept the conversation going instead of continuing a good flow and getting a first date. This is why I haven't tried dating in years. I haven't cared to actually date. I'm 5 days free of porn today and it has been an up and down journey. It is by far more difficult to quit porn than video games for me. I've only been able to make it 7 days. After not watching porn, eliminating excessive daydreaming, and trying to calm my thoughts I've felt better today more than any other day. I went to the gym, the doctors, the market, and found myself looking at and attracted to other women again. I'm not fixating anymore. Porn allows you to fixate, daydream, and then live out a fantasy. It's fake and not real and bad for you. I'm also starting to think I'm getting ready to date. I want to be more social. I am a little lonely. I want to hang out with people almost every night. I know that's not possible, but it's a sign that I am lonely and looking for some connection to people. I'm going to just listen to my heart and spend time with others. It's been great. I didn't think I was ready to date the other day when I replied to Tom, but now that I think about it, I really am. I want to flirt and get to know a woman who I find attractive and enticing. I just want to give myself some space between now and that time because I still find myself attracted to features and traits of porn stars. I don't want to be looking for women based off of something so superficial like that over their heart, personality, and mind. Looks are a big part of the pie, but not the filling. I'm not trying to say I'm shallow, but I am saying that I'm really only finding myself attracted to well put together, sexy, confident women who have a zest for life. I just don't think that's what I'm actually attracted to and know it right away because I don't get along with them. They come off as self absorbed and full of drama with attitude issues. I find myself getting along with women who are kind, peaceful, fun, adventurous, intelligent, charming, mature, and attractive. (This is for dating purposes, not just anybody. I don't pick and choose friends like this. I'm just writing about who I've been attracted to and who I actually feel like I'm attracted to.) This makes me believe that I am starting to understand myself more. Porn kind of leads you to these sultry, unrealistic women who don't enjoy what they're doing in the videos anyways. It's not real and that's not a real woman you'd meet. I want a teammate, a friend, an adventurer, someone who wants to have fun and learn, someone who enjoys romance, is flirty, etc. It also leads you into scenarios that don't exist at all. You randomly meet a chick and then start banging. That's not how this shit happens, obviously, but when you watch porn you start to just get instant gratification issues and then lose sight of what it's like to build a relationship with people over time and taking the time to getting to know them and everything. It's unfair to myself and the women I meet. It makes me feel bad. So this learning plus the decision to have more fun, think less, and be less hard on myself is going to be my personal goal for the year along with the video game quitting.

I remember writing a lot about boredom when I started my journey. It's accepting boredom that allows you to be calm and still. It removes some anxiety and then gives you the freedom to slowly think of activities you'd enjoy doing.

Also, if you're ever feeling down in life and want to feel empowered. Screw motivational speakers. Listen to this song at max volume and sing it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEt3VsNJYyw

I had a great day today. I got a lot done at work, I had a great group lunch again, and I went out to dinner with my friend. Going out to dinner let me get out of my comfort zone. I was afraid of going to this city because I don't trust the area's safety, but nothing happened and it was a pleasant area. I guess 6 years can change a place from druggy infestation to up and coming. I also got a kick start to my year. My friend suggested I need to have more fun and I agree. I want to plan a few vacations with friends this year as well as going out to do fun things. I never try restaurants out, I don't dance, go to the beach, hike, travel, see landmarks, or do anything fun for myself. I get so upset when I see that coworker I like because she has fun and I don't. It's like I don't allow myself to have fun. I'm going to stop thinking of having fun. I noticed I imagine life for myself and picture myself going on vacation and enjoying life, then I live through it all in my dreams. It's mental masturbation. I swear I just do this with everything it seems. Relationships and sex? Porn. Goals and hobbies? Watching people on YouTube or social media. Travel and living life? Daydreams and social media. Fuck that. We need to live life and I need to live life. I want to experience the world with all five senses. We live in such a beautiful part of the universe. People are wonderful when we give them a chance and open our hearts. I'm ready to live. I'm not mad anymore, but I won't be hesitant. That is driving me crazy. I want to find out what makes me happy this year and will spend time this weekend thinking of fun ideas to try. I won't plan shit too much, but I want to get creative.