Catherine17

Hi, @ArcadianChild! I think that it would be better to abstain from listening OSTs during detox, because (and you've noticed that yourself) they do trigger cravings and gaming nostalgia. Just be focused on you own life instead of fixating on memories. One day soundtracks you liked to listen to would turn into just good music that wouldn't push you towards video games.

Entertainment is the key word (thanks for the term, btw). No matter how much people want to be productive they cannot do without entertainment and they seek it. So let entertainment be less addictive that video games). I guess that someone who lives a fulfilling life isn't struggling, trying to overcome addiction. But as I mentioned I don't think I can be unbiased since I study literature and, what is more important, I love it and this is what I get my inspiration from. Though I kind of miss reading books for sheer innocent fun without constantly analyzing the plot, the story structure, etc. However, I respect your opinion in the matter and enjoyed our talk)

Day 12/90 And the best parent award goes straight to my mom, who spent a whole evening telling me what a miserable doormat I am. The funniest part is that yesterday she was very supportive and it was her idea that I could quit tour guiding course whenever I wanted. Now I know what she really thinks about me. At least it can provide some motivation and I must work hard to get out of this hell. Cravings are unbearable as well as chest pains. Before coming home I thought everything could be alright, but nope. Now about the good things, when I lost my credit card, another student sent me a message and I managed to get back my belongings without going crazy about it. That's all for today.

@katsudo19thank you for your support

Day 11/90 I knew that it was coming. I felt it in the air. When I was taking a walk during the break, I felt strange, I felt scared for no actual reason to be scared. Everything was fine, I collected almost everything for an exchange, I talked to my teachers and I finally manage to do all my homework (even in advance, so I had more time for the term paper). And then I thought to myself 'it was hilarious if you would have a depressive episode, when you had finally gained a little bit of control, after all you was so productive, so energetic and full of life, so nice to everyone around you, running up and down the stairs, fixing things that were meant to be broken, because good things never last' and then I thought 'nononononono' But it was too late. So here I am, crying for the first time in 2019. Tour guiding course turned out not to be my thing, besides, the classes are held in the evening, till 10 pm, and everything is too much. I don't know whether I should quit or not. May be it was manic after all and I've overestimated myself (creative writing, tutoring, archery, swimming, trying to perform well at studies, term paper and an exchange program to sweeten the deal) or may be it is all in my head and I should learn how to handle life and stuff. Now I am just going to lie down and cry a lot and tomorrow I will think about the solution.

Hey, @BooksandTrees! The annual swimming competition at our university. I could build up more speed if I would be able to jump from a pedestal instead of starting right from the water. Well, we've just started. During our first class we've discussed, whether writing is more about inspiration or techniques. My opinion turned out to be unpopular) I believe, it is never too late to get back to what you like and what you are good at. Right things always happen at the right time and you have plenty of time to master your skills. I wish you luck!

100% relatable for me)) Ooh, fantasy. That's cool, I prefer it as well, altough I choose contemporary genre (and a bit of heroic). Wish you inspiration:) I write but only occasionally. Now I am just running around trying to finish all the assignments for university. Thank you, I appreciate the offer?

Get well soon! Hope you feel a little better with each day!

Day 9/90 The morning wasn't very productive but I talked to my father and we had a nice conversation. He told me a hilarious story about his former job. Sometimes I really wish I could become a police officer too. Unfortunately, he prohibited me to study the Law. Then I went to the swimming pool, there were more people this time and it was much fun. Swimming can be some sort of meditation, you are fully concentrated on your moves, devotion and strength of the others charges you with energy, long strokes synchronize your body with water and for a moment you become water yourself...sounds almost religious. I must beat my fear of heights, if I want to take part in the contest this year (and I want). I started reading Frankenstein, which is one of my favourite books and the source material for my term paper. I've read it twice already and with each time it becomes more interesting. Mary Shelley is a genious writer and a remarkable woman of her time. I finished my assignment for Creative Writing school, gotta send this tomorrow. In the evening I went to the local festival of ice sculptures. Some of them had melted down even before people arrived to celebrate! So much work - and it went for nothing:( I watched snow sculpures, took a walk along the enbankment and watched fireworks. They were launched from the lake, some of the police officers were controlling the process. One of them were filming it on his phone and it reminded me of my summer and the day I started my second detox (that lasted 56 days). The historical was held at the same embankment. I hadn't slept a whole night - of course, I was binge-playing but still decided to get out of the house because I didn't want to miss the event. So I watched some fencing, shooted a bow and decided to go home. All of a sudden a little black cloud and downpouring rain made me change my mind. I found shelter in a small tent. Technically it belonged to the volunteers, but the downpour was horrible. So it was me, 6-7 teens who helped to run the show and two police officers, one of them was younger, the other one - older. The rain lasted, but in the end we were rewarded with a lot of rainbows in the sky. Everyone left the tent and started making pictures. The older policeman grumbled about 'the kids these days with their smartphones' and walked away. And by 'walked away' I mean that he hid behind the tent so his partner couldn't seem him and took a bunch of photos himself. When he noticed me, he smiled and it was he who looked somehow younger, not me. Alright, time travel is over.

Well said:) Gratitude is a powerful concept. Sometimes when it is hard to wish prosperity to others, I just say to myself 'They walk their own path and I shall walk mine' .

@Ph0enixBut what about fictional books, in which authors speculate about philosophical, political and cultural ideas? Or about some non-fiction books thar can be written poorly? I don't think that games (apart from visual novels) are interactive books. It is a different kind of experience and they simply work differently as I've already mentioned. And although reading a healthy habit (healthier than gaming at least), I agree that if somebody wants to escape, they may find it there.

Hej! Just keep this positive attitude and everything will be fine, I am sure. Relapse can be something to learn from. Just concentrate on pursuing new activities. Speaking of writing, I once took part in a writing challenge and our daily goal was to write 2000 characters each day (it is not that much, about 300 words). It is easier to build a habit this way, because when you are inspired you are certain to write a lot, but what if you are not? Just make sure you set tangible goals) What are you going to write, btw?

Tack så mycket!)

Day 8/90 It's been a while. I haven't relapsed, but cravings were harsh. I performed well at university but when I was getting back home I was consequently ruining everything. I managed to get main things done, but it wasn't enough. I wonder how I lived through last semester with all my binge-gaming and youtube and letsplays. It's like there are two different Catherines - one can be productive, loves to learn and wants to be a part of someone's life and another one lives a mindless life and envies others instead of becoming Even though I'd like to concentrate on positive things: 1. I decided to apply for a student exchange program. This is a huge step for me, because this is the first time I've decided to be honest with myself. I want to go abroad, even though I like saying that people are the same everywhere and this is a pointless experience. I used to be so frustrated about being unable to study abroad that I kept telling to myself that I don't want to, that it won't bring me anything, that it is stupid and so on. So I asked myself what I actually want. It will take some time to gather all necessary papers and I don't think my chances are hign but I will try anyway. Even if I didn't succeed, it would be an interesting experience, because I feel very grown-up while collecting documents and asking important folks to sign them. And yes, I'm twenty. 2. I had a first lesson at the course for tour guides. Let it be my personal challenge. 3. I had a swim class two days ago and I'm going to have one tomorrow. I enjoyed it a lot, a good swimming session always heps me to get rid of the mental fog. Though I kinda miss my old team but I hope I will get to know somebody to have a chat with eventually. 4. Today I have been very productive and had my own class. I start to realise that I enjoy being a tutor. It was very rewarding, indeed. I have prepaired a lesson, we talked a lot (we were discussing St. Valentine's day) and did some exercises. My affirmation for today definitely is 'Love what you do and do what you love' 5. I finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a wonderful story, an example of brilliant writing and composing. It tells us how unrealistic expectations may turn our life into hell. Emma Bovary spends her days daydreaming and waiting for the 'true love' to come, she craves for emotions and romance. Her expectations are built on romantic tales and clichéd love stories, so it's not a surprise that they don't match the real life. Of course, there is far more to that book that this, but I am always trying to connect fictional stories with my own life. It's nice to return to journalling.

Hey, Vera! Get well soon and don't forget to take of yourself. You can handle this!

@BooksandTrees Thank you for sharing and giving me a piece of advice. Your story is something I can really relate to, seriously, even the part about seeing therapist. I needed that. Though it's something that is hard to keep in mind when you are going mad and get carried away by emotions.

@AtariJag pluggar svenska på universitetet, we've just started learning it and I only know basics)

@Ph0enixI think we understand the term 'fiction' differently, but that's okay, I see your point. Though it is a bit sad that the first things that come to your mind when we talk about relieving stress are alcohol and drugs. Why not get together with your friends, go for a walk or listen to music?) Don't be so negative about yourself and other people. And books and alcohol are not the same, they work differently on a biological level. Alcohol is a depressant that oppresses one's mind and body while reading is a brain-stimulating activity which increases your cognitive capabilities. Finding a hobby for relaxation and rest is important when you fight the addiction. We tend to forget that we cannot be productive 24/7/.When we are tired it is much harder for us to make decisions and resist the cravings to play. Reading is just one of the options.

Hej, @Atari! Welcome to the forums) Lycka till!

Day 4/90 I've just returned from the uni and I am angry and frustrated. At least now I know that these particular emotions trigger my cravings. The question is what I should do with this info? I just don't understand what's the point of dwelling on some unpleasant and unsignificant experience. Last year all my fellow students decided that they desperately needed to inform others that studying here was pointless. Everyone was rambling on about this constantly. 'I've bought a new dress and everything is pointless', 'Don't forget to hand in the task and university is pointless', 'I always pay cash and my life is pointless' and so on, and so forth. And then I say 'everyone', I mean it. But, look, I got it, they don't like it here but I do. And it's freaking annoying. It's been a year now, let's move on. The funniest part is that all they are doing is whining. Any official complain? No. Have any of them dropped out? No. They could have already found their new path in life! And if they had dropped out, my academic scholarship would have increased slightly. I just don't get it. If anyone is reading this, I have a small question. How do you manage your anger?

@Ph0enix I don't think tht fiction books is a virtual reality. Reading is good for the brain, it reduces the level of stress and is healthier than gaming by all accounts. Trust the one who studies literature:) Well, it's up to our fight/flight/freeze response when we choose how to react to the problems. Sometimes even flighting can be beneficial in the long run (no pun intended).

Day 3/90 I missed this feeling of being actually tired after a long day. Even the reward video games gave was a fake one. It is better to be rewarded for accomplishing real tasks, not imaginary ones. In the morning I've met with my friend in a nice vegan cafe. We haven't seen each other in a while, so I was really happy to hang out with her. She is the person who knows exactly what she wants and how she is going to get that. I admire her and I value our friendship. She also offered me to take part in the upcoming training program in the company she is working for. It sounds like my next step, however, it's not going to happen soon. And she taught how to use chopsticks. It's never late to learn, lol. Then I had a workout and an archery class. I took up archery last October. I remember my first day, when I was so afraid that I almost ran away. I have this feeling now and then, but I definitely became more confident. I am so sore after the training. In the evening I was writing my term paper. I also applied for online psychology course. We had it last semester but it was awful, 'thanks' to our teacher who was making inappropriate comments all along. He once held the counselling with us. He told to my friend that she should quit her literature studies, because she should be a wife and a mother and two other foreign students were advised to embrace their 'southern temperant' and sexuality. I was told that nobody would ever marry me so I should write a book in a Kafka's manner instead. I had never read Kafka's works, but nodded just in case. The busy week is coming along with Valentine's Day.

@katsudo19 thank you for your advice! I' am sure to check this book out soon)

Day 2/90 Saturday is the only day when I don't need to put an alarm clock. God bless the Saturday! I finally started writing my term paper! I wonder why I had procrastinated for that amount of time. But at least I began. I must show something to the professor in charge this week. If I work regularly, I may be able to finish Chapter I in a week and present the report during the Academic Research class. Social media are the worst, because they form the unrealistic expectations. It confuses people and prevents them from living their own life. I wish I could have more healthy attitude and get inspired, not envious. In the morning I felt the craving to watch the letsplay. It sounds ridiculous, but felt the need with my fingers. I knew what I should type to get away from any 'troubles' such as term paper, personal growth and healthy mind. Before starting detox, I haven't watched letsplays for 40 days, because I knew that they could be more addictive and more available than the games. I've got together with the girls from other department today. It is nice to talk to real people, who are far more interesting than video game characters. We were sharing stories and laughing, I felt very comfortable around them. My evening didn't went that smoothly:c I procrastinated instead of working on my term paper and prepairing homework for my pupil. Fortunately, I managed to stop myself and send her the hometasks.

@BooksandTrees, there is nothing humiliating in loving yourself and praising yourself for what you are doing to improve your life. And it is not about bragging like your abusive father did. It is about accepting and being self-aware. Reading your journal, I got the feeling that you are self-aware, you tend to analyse your behaviour and work out the solutions of your problems. You are yourelf. You wrote that others like you but you don't understand why, But it is their decision to like you. Imagine yourself a researcher and think of everything you have achieved, all skills you have acquired throughout your life. You may also write it down and get back to that long list when you fell blue. Avoid negative framing and negative evaluation. I am not a scientist but I hardly imagine any researcher who would study some dark matter or any other scientific stuff and say 'ugh, it's ugly, let's quit'. You say that you have abandoned your father, write it down as well. Because after 21 years, good times are coming. And they are. Because bad things won't stay forever. Speaking of relationship, it may be hardly comforting for you, but most girls don't understand why good guys prefer bad girls (just as you didn't understand that girls). Since the humanity haven't died out yet, misunderstanding isn't a problem. You will find that right person, but first you should become that right person for yourself. I hope you get better soon.