WorkInProgress

This morning I feel under tension. That my son didn't want to go to the kindergarden and me starting later for work was enough to keep me stressed. I think it is hard for me that my wife's mental health is currently getting worse. This is most likely only a step back because of sleep deprivation. But it scares me. I don't want to go back to that place.

Yesterday night I went walking for 45 minutes with the little one in the wrap. IT helped that my wife got some sleep (because afterwards he slept for 3 hours without waking). I guess the walking was good activity too. But I got to little sleep. I feel like things are going better lately. I am more on top of things.

Sounds like you escaping negative Emotions with gaming(like I did). Good Job realizing it. I get the point about blocking Apps. It didn't help me either. But deleting my LoL-Account in the others Hand... If I didn't do this, I am sure I would still relapse in this Game. I played many games afterwards to escape (warcraft3, Dota, Hearthstone, etc...) but no game was as successful in short-circuiting my brain as LoL. Also uninstalling is not only about the barrier, it mainly circumvents opening the game in autopilot. I.e. Trying to study, bad feelings arise, open window search, type in Lol, ... and nothing comes up? Right, I uninstalled it. Especially with the rune system in LoL it makes the game less attractive if you don't play with full runes in my opinion. So delete your account if you want to stop playing it. It helps a bit. My story if its interests you: didn't play LoL since 2017. I relapsed with gaming and mindlessly browsing, porn, youtube, etc... but never LoL. Alone this made a major difference in my life. Now I married my girlfriend (who nearly left me because I played all the time instead of studying while she was at work and was really stressed out because of it), have two sons, and found a job in a fundamentally different industry (IT) then what I originally studied (chemical engineering). And I am still struggling with many things. I am still way better off then I would be if continued gaming LoL year over year. It is worth it. I am currently detoxing from gaming and gaming content on youtube and doing journaling daily too. I will swing by here from time to time. With a clear brain and Attention available, you will figure out a way forward. Best of luck.

The day was better. Lost 2 hours in the evening despite this it went well. Had some luck at work which helps with the anxiety. Hopefully this will result in a big win soon.

Felt for the first time in a long time intrincical Motivation to do something. Felt good.

Yesterday was a better day. I was alone at home. That helped with reflection.

In of the biggest factors I feel bad about myself currently is how little I am able to actually work. I am alone today and had some time to reflect. I work around 20-50% of my logged time. This is objectively bad. I can argue for myself If I only work 50-80% because it is knowledge work and it just isn't possible to stay focussed and energized for 100% of the time. Some breaks, some distractions and I would still be outperforming many people. But that puts me in "do as little as possible to keep your job" area. And this isn't satisfying. Especially because my job is overall a good one (well paying, nice colleagues, flexible work times, a good portion of it is interesting challenging work). In my opinion this is an intrisic problem. I feel anxious if I open my mails because I fear someone asked me about stuff I failed to do. There are a lot of negative emotions connected to work currently. I classify it as time away from my family, time I must be reachable for "work", time when I am judged, time which is missing in my life. I need to change this Or change my job. As I started in this job (I just quit gaming) this wasn't the case. I really liked doing stuff, improving processes and having fun with my team. But then I had some illusions about work life and "new work" I don't hold anymore. Working just doesn't seem to be challenging anymore. I seem to miss validation from peers. I realize if I fail, but I don't realise if I am doing good work. It feels like a big amount of time spent failing and not being good enough and not spending enough time. This is partly the jobs fault because I am a one man team and my boss is really busy with a lot of other stuff. I think I need to grow up and find the value in my work for myself. That was a reflection. Now to the part of what I try to do about it. Find wins in my working day. Write 3 Wins I had today at the end of the workday and try to feel proud about them. They can be little or big. If I am able to spend 50%+ of my time, this is a win for now. Prioritize the administrative stuff (time logging, project management, note-taking, Mailbox to zero) to feel in control again. Do this before implementation work.

It is hard. I search different Outlets dir escaping. YouTube Videos of streamers, Note Audio books. It makes me realize how much I currently need escape. That sucks. I how this geht's better next Werk. Otherwise I need to Change Things i do currently to have a healthier relationsship with my responsibilities.

Nothing new happened since Yesterday. But I want to Post in the morning. So Here er go

Thats true. Sometimes a curse sometimes a blessing. Maybe go visit some places in your city you never been before. Explore a bit.

Great that you try some new stuff. Thats exactly the righte way to feel capable again. Just try some Things for some time and If you still do Them a avmonth from now youll have the start of a new positive habbit. I would advise you to plan Something for the days your husband ist away. The Missing accountability can ne dangerous. Especially at the start of a Detox. Maybe you can visit someone? Family/Friends?

Didn't post in the morning because I had another start in day with a bad start doing basically nothing productive (audiobook, youtube). But at least I stayed away from gaming content and didn't game. At work things get better because I am able to tame my anxiety and actually do stuff. But this takes a little bit longer then I like or I do admit in my time logs. But its still progress. At least nobody seems to suspect that I am working so little. So I am in a really lucky position to be able to fake it till I make it.

Hey @hemonkey I think it is possible, but it depends on how you are using video games (i.e entertainment, escape, social, achievement). If you have good alternatives ready to go, you just quit and do something else. I think this is especially the case with Multiplayer Online Games. Because often you are there for the social contact. And if you don't have good alternatives in real life, it just makes you a lot lonelier than comfortable. So, it's all about out the context. Maybe your dad did play just a lot of single player games for entertainment and as her realized he wasted his time, and it influenced his life in a bad way, he went to another available alternative. I seriously doubt that it depends on the willpower of the person. I would ask you: What needs do gaming fulfill for you? Do you have good alternatives? Or an idea how to get these alternatives?

Yesterday was a good day. I could be okay with me and still got some work done at work. Handled my emotions instead of escaping. This morning it is harder. Waster half an hour on an audiobook instead of working. I am shameful because the night was awful (the little one was awake like every hour and my wife got almost no sleep), so if I just took care of him instead of pretending to work she could have slept longer. I just wanted to listen a little further. Then I started surfing on the side. Then I watched porn. Then I searched for other escapes of not having to tackle that hairy work problem. Luckily, I thought of my routine of posting here and this got my out of this rut. I need to be very wary of these patterns. It is key that I directly start a work routine if I go to my office in the cellar. Tomorrow I will fill my water bottle, list my tasks and start the first one for at least 10 minutes, Hopefully this evades this kind of problems in the future.

@Oxanasayuri Yes it is from the eBook from the Basic Version. I can recommend it. I read it some years ago but I think it got better in the new versions.

Hey thank you for looking by at my Journal. Clinal Depression is really a shitty sickness. But remember that this ist Not you. Ist an illness you have. This makes it harder though to have positive new experiences or trying new hobbies. Be Patient with yourself. keep fighting for the Things that matter to you. Persistence Beats everything. Thats atleast my experience. And half a year ist Not Long with that diagnosis. Do you have a therapist? How are you fighting against this? My wife also suffers from clinical Depression, thats why i got some exposure of the topic.

I am tired of working more than usual at work (because I didn't play Hearthstone and watched only 20 Minutes of no-gaming-content-youtube). That's why I will use the last 20 minutes of my workday to read Respawn again and post the first exercise here: Reasons why I played games Temporary Escape! Every time my private life/work gets stressful/challenging, I have urges to escape. As a teenager, I read a lot of fantasy in these cases, later on, it was WC3/dota/LOL/Hearthstone or something else. I think it is because my life was so easy in many ways that I never learned to handle stress/expectation in a healthy way. Still not sure what this healthy way would be. Social It was really fun to play with real life friends, especially if they aren't reachable otherwise. But I didn't do this since I admitted to my addiction around 2017. But I still sometimes miss the activity of doing such things (like playing wc3 with one of my best friends 2on2) Reasons why I will quit games Takes too much effort for me to enjoy Lets me neglect my family and myself Makes me a bad person (I start lying and "forgetting" things I promised and become completely passive) I want to be a role model for my boys I want to take care of my family and be someone to lean on and to trust I want to feel successful and be proud of myself. How I feel now with the decision to quit gaming anxious of the challenge, relieved that this is possibly over now, scared of relapse, tired of resisting urges, happy for the possibilities, sad for all the lost time and the good memories, cut open for letting emotions out, sad for me, sad for my friends and family Putting up the barriers This didn't work in the past. At least for me, it isn't a spontaneous thing to relapse. If I can't go to my goto game I will find something else to escape. The thing that helps is to keep in mind that I am addicted and can't go back without all the negative effects I experienced so often. For this, I will post here daily from my phone and sometimes (less frequent) from my work laptop (doesn't have a private computer anymore) Gaming Replacement Activities Engaging: helping other people to have more success at work by becoming better at the social and technical aspects of my job. Work only 32 hours for the same pay and more output (by becoming more effective). Resting: Sit and dream, doodle pictures, Read novels, Walk and enjoy the world, play with my kids, housework and audiobooks (fiction) Social: (This one is hard with my two kids). Think of ways to talk/meet my friends, schedule regular walks with my sisters, my mother and my father. Call my former best friend from time to time instead of sending speech messages. Thats it for now.

@Javier thank you. Lets do it. Felt better after crying because it made me realize that I have a problem but I am not the problem. Felt like myself for the first time in a long time. Was a great day with my wife and my kids.

I watched the new documentary, cried and realised that I am still addicted and most likely stay this way for the rest of my life. To keep this in top of my mind I will post here daily.

2021-04-13 I had a really crappy start in the week. No external factors as far as I can tell but did only do the minimum of work and started watching Hearthstone videos again. Did not log time either. This is not working. I need to deviate from my Key Results. I like the drawing and shaving part (because it makes me feel better and is challenging for me). But the time logging part is setting me under pressure. And I seemingly react by avoiding this pressure and just wasting my time even more. That is not helpful. I need a goal more tend towards action and triggering less bad feelings. I know that I won't log time without lying right now. Because if I am that unproductive, I will face more severe consequences than I am willing too for this value. Guess honesty isn't an internal value. Being mostly honest: sure. Eating crap for being honest: No. That kind of sucks because I would like to be that kind of person. But I guess there my moral values aren't that defined. Maybe a rationalization of this behavior would be. I am doing good most of the time to the people I care about (mainly my family and friends) about being honest all the time (to my employer). Sounds shitty but I guess I need to be at least honest to myself. I'll change it into: I do at least 2hours of planned work (not some external obligations) every workday. I'll start today and focus on getting to a place where I don't feel the need to lie about my time spending. Fake it till I make it!

I use Blocksite. Because it works on all my devices and used Browsers (Chrome/Firefox/Android)

Hey @Jad935, To make it short and good to memorize you can think of a big elephant which is ridden by a short Indian guy with a turban (yeah its racist but its also memorable!) The elephant is a big beast and way stronger than the rider. It is driven by hunger, thirst and reproduction interests which ensure that it (or at least its genes) survive. The short Indian guy able to give him commands where to go, but he can only do so by conditioning the elephant first, by coupling the elephants needs with his commands. This way the elephant learns (slowly) what it should do. The elephant represents our reptile brain which developed in the million of years before we got a conscious. The movements of the elephant are your behaviors. The commands of the rider (or a nice elephant lady on the wayside) are triggers of that movements/behaviors. Our conscience is the short Indian rider. He seems to be in command, but in reality only the elephant decides where they go. But the rider can look forward, find food and other desirable stuff for the elephant, and so the elephant learned that it actually benefits to follow the commands. But to learn this, it needs a lot of repetition to connect a command (trigger) followed by a small move in the right direction (small new behavior) to a benefit (bananas from the rider) which fulfills a need (hunger) until it goes automatically in that direction if the rider calls out the command. We in this forum trained our elephants that we fulfill various needs (social approval, excitement, challenge, new things, social status) by playing games as much as we can. Because it works. But it works only in a shallow short-term way. Our rider knows that to sustain us in the future we need to study/exercise/face hard feelings. But our elephant doesn't know this. If we then call a new command ("I will study this time even if it feels shitty") our elephant will just do what it's done in the past and easily override our new command. Conclusion: Success isn't about motivation (we are all motivated to have great things). It is about training your inner elephant by building new habits. To do this, you have to get many repetitions of the new behavior. This is hard if you want to change the way of doing to radically or if triggers are around you in eyesight. Use the few capabilities your rider has: Plan by setting a destination you want to land on (Goal setting). Commit to your plan (don't change goals to easily). Use the herd to reach your goal (social pressure by committing publicly). Choose a way without distracting elephant ladies on your wayside (delete that steam account. Block that gaming site). Feed the elephant if he moves in the correct direction (put that x on your calendar, buy that nice music instrument/journal/electric plaything you wanted after a month of abstinence). Reflect on the commands regular and train your elephant in useful new commands (create new habits). Be kind to the elephant and the rider. They are both part of you. And you need both to reach your goals. Regards Mario To get more input on behavior change and habits I would recommend as a first more scientific resource the book "Atomic Habits". The elephant rider analogy is from another book, but I couldn't remember its name, and it was more self-helpy and less science based 🙂

2021-04-12 I had a busy weekend and with helping someone move and other tasks and don't feel refreshed. It's hard today to focus on work, and therefore I opted for doing some other tasks today (and not logging time at work). I also prioritized my tasks to get a more ordered way of working. Lately, there are many channels here where work gets generated and this is dangerous because it is easy this way to let things slip. I felt urges to watch youtube etc. as I got a task which was out of my technical expertise (doing some serverwerk with the risk of loosng productive data) and my colleague who is experienced in this kind of stuff wasn't responsive because he is overburdened with other stuff.. I felt helpless but could keep my feet still and he is doing the necessary steps this night and documenting it for me so that I can learn. Time to go back to work again 🙂

Thank you. I realized that I struggle with shading round forms, so I did this the morning as a practice peace. I guess I need more dedicated technical practices.

Hey @dirac it seems like you are going through some emotional hardship right now. The bad exam seems to be wake-up call for you. It is great that you have a goal and are working towards it. To put it frankly: It pissed you off to fail, and now you are acting to get better results next time. This is a good use of that emotional energy. But there are a few thoughts/questions which come from my outside perspective and which are maybe useful for you: Did you plan for the times were you don't feel like doing the things you mentioned (despite pushing through)? Did you specify when (after what event) and where (at your desk? At what folder? With what program?) you'll do these summaries and homework? How do you plan to care for yourself to endure that challenge in regard to relationships, food, water and sleep? Do you feel like you deserve that envisioned success? Do you feel still self-worthy even if you fail to meet your standards of productivity? Why is this the case? Why not? These questions are just some railways which you could use to guide your way a bit. In my personal experience my performance gets diminished the most if I didn't sleep, eat (well), drink enough or going through some emotional pains / stresses.