Paul A.

Day 4 Game-Free I gave into PMO last night. I had already gone on a walk earlier that night, and by the time the cravings rolled around, it was around midnight and I didn't have the energy or willpower to leave the house again. But, I do have another plan in place. Every time I feel a craving hit, I'll simply turn my phone off. Since my phone is the primary device I use to watch porn, I think having my phone off will create a mental hurdle between me and my habit. Not a terribly high hurdle, granted, but it would give me a moment to think before I engage in PMO. Plus, the minor inconvenience of turning my phone back on might keep me from giving in altogether. If need be, I may turn off my old laptop as well. But one thing's for sure, I'm definitely not using my brand new gaming laptop for something as nasty as porn. Never gonna happen. I spent almost my entire work day messing around with code. Either I was in Visual Studio Code writing code, or I was learning C# from online resources. It probably wasn't the best move doing all this while at work, but I didn't care. I'm just so excited at the prospect of learning coding and game development. It arguably excites me more than gaming ever did. I haven't missed gaming at all these past few days, because I'm so caught up in this new world of coding/game dev. Cam was definitely spot on when he said to replace gaming with other activities, which is something I didn't really do the first time I quit. The importance of replacement activities that motivate and excite you cannot be understated. If you don't find something else to fill your time, you're bound to fall back into gaming again. But I just don't see it happening to me any time soon, what with how much fun I'm having with coding. I'm excited to keep learning and growing my skillset in the coming days.

Congrats on 100 days!

You bring up a good point, @Max. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t make much sense for me to buy a gaming laptop if I’m trying to QUIT video games. However, I think the reason it’s not an issue for me is that I don’t have the connection in my mind between powerful hardware and gaming. I’ve always gamed regardless of whether the devices were powerful or not. In fact, this is the first gaming laptop I’ve ever owned. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that it doesn’t make a difference whether I teach myself to code on a brick or on a powerful gaming laptop. I would game on a brick the same as I would game on a proper gaming setup. So what it comes down for me is whether I have easy access to my game of choice (Roblox). I’ve already deleted my account and taken the steps to replace gaming in my life, so I think I’m on the right track. I appreciate your concern, though.

I read it lol. I’m glad you’re back! I messed up too recently. It takes a lot of strength to mess up, not lose yourself in self-pity, and get right back up. So be proud of yourself! Now you learned some lessons you can carry with you on your second attempt. You got this!

Day 3 Game-Free I bought my new laptop today. I was initially going to wait until I got paid next to buy it, but I guess my excitement got the better of me 😄. My rationalization is that I’ve already slept on it and I still want it, so why not? It’s sitting at home right now (my dad picked it up). I’m currently at work, just dying to leave so I can try out my new toy! It is a gaming laptop, but I’m gonna be using it strictly for game development. I just needed the power of a gaming laptop, since game development uses a lot of power. I bought a Udemy subscription so I could take a course on Unity and C#. Unity is the game engine I’ll be making games on, and C# is the programming language that Unity runs on. I just wish I’d been learning C# this whole time instead of C++ (I didn’t know Unity ran on C#!). Guess I should’ve done my research. I’m not upset about it, though. Just means I have experience with another language under my belt. The first thing I’m doing when I get home is setting up my new laptop, downloading Unity, and loading up the course. Game dev is like a whole new world to me, and I can’t wait to explore it. I went on another late night walk last night, and I abstained from PMO for another night. I think the late walks are really doing wonders for kicking my PMO habit. My intention was to go for a walk every time I felt an urge in order to replace the routine, but the walks are just serving to tire me out, to the point where I don’t even have the energy to engage in PMO. Whatever works works, I guess. I’m looking to make it a habit to replace PMO, and so far it’s working. Let’s see if it continues to work.

Today marks my second full day of being game-free. I also succeeded in steering clear of porn last night. I decided to go on a walk as soon as I got home, and by the time I got back, I was too tired to even load up incognito mode. It seems my tactic of going on evening walks may prove successful in staving off PMO urges. All that being said, I had trouble sleeping through the night, so I was up at 5AM this morning learning the Unity game engine. After that, I managed to get back to sleep for another few hours. I spent the little time I had in the morning learning more of the Unity game engine before getting ready for work. I’ve determined I need a new laptop to continue my game dev journey, since I’m running into a lot of compatibility issues on my current laptop. I’ve spent some time today researching different laptops suitable for game development, with a lot of them being gaming laptops, funny enough. I’m gonna wait until I get paid next to take the plunge on a new laptop, though. I don’t want to buy impulsively just to end up not using it, or using it for the wrong reason. It would be easy to slip back into a gaming habit if I bought a powerful new laptop specifically for gaming. But in the meantime, I’m going to keep learning to code C++ to pass the time, as well as watch more anime. Work is also keeping me fairly busy, so I’ll never be too bored.

You made an important choice by deciding not to relapse. By putting your foot down and deciding you’ve had enough of the game for good, you’ve laid a foundation for future self-improvement and personal growth. You’ve made enormous progress by making it to 45 days, why stop there? Keep going! We’re here for you 🙂

Keep fighting man! Try to find other activities to fill your time with. I’m just getting into computer programming myself and I’m really enjoying it. If you can’t be near your computer, try some offline activities that you can spend a lot of time doing. I know reading is a good one, but preferably something more interactive and engaging that you can spend a good deal of time doing would be ideal. Maybe learning a new instrument! The last thing you want to do is to give up at such a critical moment. You got this! Another thing, you may want to consider keeping all your entries under one unified thread. That way it’s easier for you and other people to track your progress. All the best!

Sorry to hear about this unexpected turn of events. I hope you stay safe and that everything turns out ok in the end.

I went ahead and deleted the account. It was a relatively easy and painless process, considering I had to be in email correspondence with Roblox customer support. The whole process was complete in under 12 hours. Now I have nothing to go back to when a craving hits, unless I were to make a whole new account. And even if I did, all the progress I'd made in my game of choice is gone now, and it would be a massive pain to start over. I think this was the right decision if my intention really is to be game-free. With no games to keep me occupied, I spent the morning learning how to code in C++ and watching anime. I spent another bit of it taking a morning nap, as is typical for me. I'm writing this entry before getting ready for work, which will consume the remainder of my day. Now that I don't have games to keep me busy, I feel like a lot of mental bandwidth has been cleared up to focus on more important matters, such as tackling my porn addiction. I've come up with a plan of action for handling urges of that variety, but of course, I can't put it to the test unless I actually have an urge. At the same time, I'm not exactly hoping for an urge to hit me. Part of my plan includes going to bed much earlier than I typically do, since the nighttime is a trigger for my habit. My rationale is that the earlier I go to bed, the less likely an urge is to crop up. And even if an urge does hit, I have a contingency plan: taking a walk. When I do have an urge to engage in PMO, I typically get a restless feeling, which is why I think walking is perfect to handle it. The only issue that arises is that my urges tend to hit late at night, so I would have to contend with taking a walk at that time of night. Thankfully, I live in a very safe and boring suburban neighborhood. On the whole, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I have a new perspective after relapsing, and a strategy I didn't utilize my first go-around with quitting games. I also have a plan in place to handle what I consider the more insidious of my addictions. I'll be sure to regularly post any updates and progress in this journal.

You’ve made fantastic progress!

I’m really considering biting the bullet and just deleting my Roblox account again. The main game that I play on the platform just isn’t as fun as it used to be. I’ve set an intention to quit several times without success, and the fact of the matter is that I still have an account I can readily access at any time. I think if I’m serious about quitting games for good, I just need to take the plunge and delete my account again. But if there’s one thing holding me back, it’s the social aspect. I have a good friend of mine that I play with regularly, and deleting my account would cut off our main source of communication. It wouldn’t be so much of a big deal if he didn’t live in another state. Other than that, I don’t have much else of a reason to keep the account around. I’ve detached myself from the progress I’ve made in the game. Like I mentioned previously, the game simply isn’t fun anymore. I think writing out this post has cemented in my mind what I need to do next. I already have ideas lined up for replacement activities, the two main ones being coding and game development. I’ll initiate the account deletion process as soon as I can. I’m also planning to kick my PMO addiction as well, by using the same method of replacing the activity, as well as tweaking my sleep schedule to make it harder to engage in that activity specifically. I have no idea whether I can successfully kick these two bad habits for good, but I won’t know until I try. I am hopeful that this method of replacement will bear fruit though.

That’s my issue at the moment: I can’t find an activity that adequately replaces gaming. I’ve gotten into coding and game dev as of late, but they don’t entertain me enough to keep me away from the game. That’s why I’m so hung up on deleting my Roblox account. If I can just find the right combination of activities to keep me away from gaming, then I might be able to get away with not deleting my account.

I'm in a weird place where I fully set an intention to quit, only to relapse the next day. It's probably for the reasons I listed in my previous post (to summarize, I don't want to bite the bullet and delete everything). Don't get me wrong, I'm spending a good deal less time gaming than I was over the past few weeks, but it's still taking up a majority of my time. This morning, I made some progress on learning how to make Roblox games before I got bored and started playing. Then I basically spent the next few hours playing before getting ready for work. I want to get to a place where I don't need to play games at all for entertainment, but it's hard when they're right there within my grasp at all times, and I don't have the heart to get rid of them. I'm kind of at a loss, and I don't know how to proceed. Even now, I'm exploring more options to learn coding and game development, but it doesn't really matter if the games are always there to sabotage my progress. Maybe one day I'll just decide to take the plunge and delete my accounts again, but for now I'm in a weird limbo place where I have the intention to quit but I don't have the will to follow through.

I relapsed again today. The day started off fine, but I got triggered by watching Naruto, funny enough. I need to realize that I’m not gonna get much better at that game, no matter how many strategies I try. Either way, the problem regardless is that I have easy access to my game of choice, Roblox. I made a new account after I deleted the old one, and I’ve since made significant progress in one particular game on the platform. I don’t want to have to go through the process of deleting another account after I just deleted one, and part of me doesn’t want all the progress I made to be lost. I’m hesitant to burn all bridges. Plus, I often play with a good friend of mine who lives in another state, and I’d be unable to spend any meaningful time with him outside of the game. I know what I need to do, I just don’t want to do it. However, I have come up with an idea of an activity to replace gaming: game development. It might seem pretty counterintuitive at first glance. If I’m trying to get away from games, why would I get into making them? But, there’s a key difference between the two: what you get out of it. When you play a game, you get very little out of it, save for in game progress. When you develop a game, you get to create something that others will enjoy. This, in my opinion, is far more rewarding than simply playing games. Plus, the way I see it, why not learn to create the games I enjoy instead of getting addicted to them? I think it’s a much better use of my time. I’ve already started looking into courses and resources I can use to help me learn how to develop games, specifically on Roblox. I’m excited to dive into this new world. Hopefully it doesn’t become an addiction of its own, haha.

Well done! Happy things are going well for you

After my last post, I picked the game back up for another week. I finally got sick of it (sick of losing, really) and I'm giving this whole no video games thing another crack. Surprisingly, I don't feel a lot of guilt or shame. I feel more relieved, if anything. I feel like I have a fresh perspective on things after quitting and relapsing. After I quit the first time, I didn't really take the time to put in place new activities to replace gaming. I managed to tough it out for about two months before I finally gave in. But this time around, I'm really going to try to find other activities to replace my gaming habit. I'm at a loss for replacement activities at the moment, but I'll do a quick Google search and sort myself out. I realized the importance of finding new activities to replace the old when trying to break a bad habit. I think this applies to my PMO habit as much as it does to gaming, but if you don't fill the vacuum that emerges when you try to kick the bad habit, you're setting yourself up for failure. With that in mind, I'm gonna do my best to make sure I find enjoyable activities that can replace gaming for good.

Well, I relapsed pretty hard. I got bored one day and I made a new Roblox account, and I went to town. I've been playing nonstop for about a week now. It got so bad that my dad even threatened to kick me out of the house (for the second time). The only reason I was able to stop is because I got frustrated at how bad I was. I play mostly PvP fighting games, and I've never been the best at them. But after a particularly long losing streak, I decided to put the game down again. Honestly, I don't know what I expected. This isn't the first time I've tried to quit video games, or any bad habit for that matter. The fact of the matter is, no matter how emotionally charged the decision is, I can never stick to my guns. I can really never stick to anything. That's my biggest flaw and the one reason why I fail at everything I attempt. I failed at fitness because I couldn't stick to it. I failed at music because I couldn't stick to it. I failed at quitting video games because I couldn't stick to it. I don't know why I can't stick to anything. I don't know why I sabotage my own success. I really don't know. And I may never figure it out for as long as I live. It stinks to admit it, but I'm a failure. Until I figure out how to fix my inability to commit, I'm doomed to fail at everything I do. I apologize for the self-pitying post, but I'm just tired of my own bullshit. Honestly, it makes me want to give up on everything altogether. Not on my life, but on trying to improve my life. If I'm just doomed to revert to old habits and give up on new ones, then what's the point in even trying?

The pay structure is hourly pay draw commission, meaning if we don't earn more in commission than we do in base pay, we "owe" the company the difference. That difference is what we call the "draw." What I meant by no longer owing the company money is that I am no longer in the draw, meaning I will start to see my commission in my paychecks, as opposed to base hourly pay.

It's been a long few days. I've spent a majority of my weekend working, with another long day ahead of me for Labor Day. What's more, I've lost a good deal of motivation to sell. It's become a chore more than anything, especially since I'm not the most articulate with my speech. I end up stumbling over my words and beating myself up for my lack of communication skills. It's not a very fun experience. I think I'm going to try slowing down my speech and see how that works for me. Beyond that, some coworkers and I managed to take advantage of our new, bonus-geared pay plan, and I was able to max out my bonuses (an additional $1200 in pay) for the pay period. Because of that, I no longer owe the company money, so I should start to see actual commission from my paychecks, which is nice. Granted, if this lack of motivation keeps up, I may not be able to take advantage of this great opportunity to earn more money. But only time will tell. I'm trying to incorporate mindfulness into my days, but it's not easy. I hardly remember to be mindful, and when I do, it doesn't last very long, only a few minutes at most. What I've found works best is following my breathing in my mind, mentally labeling each inhale as "in" and each exhale as "out". I had a misconception that mindfulness is supposed to be devoid of thought, but a state of utter thoughtlessness is impossible for anyone, let alone me, to maintain. I'm gonna keep trying to be mindful, as well as start to be more consistent with meditation. I haven't managed to actually sit down to meditate since I wrote about my intentions to, but I'm promising myself that I'll make time for it tomorrow, even if only for a few minutes. I think it's especially important since I'm still struggling with PMO. No matter how mindful I try to be, the urges are extremely powerful. I think this mental noting thing will do wonders for me. Whenever I feel a strong urge, I can retreat into my breath until it passes. Other than that, nothing interesting has been going on. I've been watching a lot of Naruto lately, but that's about it. I just hope to see some forward progress with mindfulness, meditation, and my motivation for my job in the coming days.

It happens! Glad you’re not beating yourself up over it. Dust yourself off and keep it going!

I can tell you’re on the right path. Your mindset and enthusiasm is seeping through the screen! Keep it up and you’re sure to make great progress.

Congratulations!

Nothing interesting happened today, which I guess is a good thing. Just work and watching anime. I'm starting Naruto over from the beginning. It's a good show. Beyond that, work was pretty boring. I didn't make any sales. Granted, school is back in session so people aren't coming in as much, but it's discouraging nonetheless. I feel like I've burned out and lost the enthusiasm I had just a while ago. Work is kind of a drag now. Moreover, I'm doubting my own ability to sell. I'm not the most articulate when I speak and I tend to stumble over my words. That, and I don't come across as the most knowledgeable when discussing the furniture, unlike some of my other coworkers. These two factors are creating a lot of self-doubt. I know it's fairly unwarranted because despite everything, I managed to pull off 2nd place for the month, but even so, I think it's a legitimate barrier to the success I want to achieve. But I guess I'll only improve with time and more practice. I'm still fairly new.

Don't give up! Things get hard before they get better. Keep pushing!