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dwalk77

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Everything posted by dwalk77

  1. Wow, I think you've shown a lot of maturity by taking that commitment. When I was your age, giving up gaming (for any period) was nowhere on my radar, and looking back, I think it could have helped me tremendously. Good luck brother
  2. Day 110 I actually experienced a feeling yesterday I haven't felt in a while. I was thinking of laying around and watching TV, maybe taking a nap, basically doing nothing at my house, but instead I decided to go to mass with my roommate. After I made that decision...I just felt better, like more energy, more happiness, more focused, more of a desire...it just felt good. I think I earned that. This time away from gaming and porn facilitated that. Maybe...I don't know. Anyways, I'm grateful I experienced that. I get to pay a debt off tomorrow, which will be a weight off my shoulders. Unfortunately though, it won't be as uplifting as I had envisioned due to these recent developments of me getting an attorney. But...I can't control everything. Gaming temptation has been relatively low. Sometimes I get urges to type something in google out of "curiosity", but I'm becoming more aware that it wouldn't be that helpful to me, and it takes me one step closer to watching a stream or playing. I really want to get 90 days free of porn. If I can do it with gaming, I can do it with that.
  3. Welcome tidus! Thanks for sharing, it's helpful to hear others' stories too. Sounds to me like you're on a good path, see you around
  4. Day 102 I've had a couple friends mention how awesome a certain game that was recently released is. I don't have much of a desire to actually play it, but there is a temptation to watch it being played online, or even watch a trailer for the game. I haven't done any of that. I'm very thankful I'm now aware that something as innocent-seeming as that can lead me down a road of self-destruction. It can compromise my ability to make good decisions. Something happened to me early last week...I won't get into too many details, but I'll say it involved law enforcement, I strongly feel I was wrongfully accused, and I've had some intense negative emotions about it, including stress, resentment, and fear. Thankfully, I've checked in with my boss about it and my job is not in jeopardy. If I was in another line of work, this might not be the case. This isn't over, and this will likely take weeks, even months to resolve. I meet with my attorney in a few days to review the case, and I'm hoping to have a much better idea what to expect going forward. I'm really hoping this charge will get dropped, but I don't know at this point. I just have to take it one day at a time, and distract myself with good things. I checked all this in with my sponsor a few days ago, and he pointed out that maybe I didn't do anything wrong...this is an opportunity for me to get closer to God.
  5. I posted this on the Celebrate page as well, but thought it was worth posting here in my journal too: 90 Day Review What I noticed/learned: Actually permanently deleting my Steam account was a massive boost. Knowing all the games I had on there were gone forever was ultimately a relief and a weight off my shoulders. If I was tempted to game, not having a steam account was a noticeable barrier. Reading Re-Spawn was a great way to start. As well as reading others' posts on here and keeping a journal. Journaling daily, especially at the start, was important. Ditching my laptop was also key. Having my desktop stationed in the living room as opposed to my bedroom decreased my desire to game. Keeping a calendar and a to-do list are very important. I now have a weekly dry-erase calendar - I like to look at the upcoming week and plot a few things on there. If I've got nothing to look forward to, it's much easier to fall into despair and making some poor decisions. Weekends are the biggest challenges, this is when I have large blocks of free time. It's helpful to journal out possible things to do that day on those mornings. I've been more loose and open to connecting with other people. A great example is my roommates. Before, when I was gaming, I tensed up when they were around, I didn't want them there so I good enjoy my game in solitude. But now, I'm much more welcoming of the company I read more. Over the last 3 months, I think I read at least 200 pages a month, which was much more than the preceding months I went to work more. In the past, there have been days when I've missed work so I could binge on a game for another day. 0% chance of that happening if I haven't been gaming. It did get easier, and as it got easier, I was able to put more focus on other challenges and goals. When I began cutting out gaming, there is some evidence that the addiction "switched over" to other things. I would drink more, binge on television, and watch more porn. It's important for me to be aware of when this happens and actually work recovery rather than allow myself to give in to other things that aren't healthy for me. My recovery especially involves giving it over to my higher power and connecting with others). What's next: After completing the detox, I have no plans to go back to gaming or watching Twitch. There have been too many benefits of not doing it, and too many poor consequences in the past of when I was doing it. I will experience urges from time to time, it's just part of being human. There may be some times when I'm hanging out with some friends or family and they're playing a multiplayer game. In those situations, I'll need to assess the situation and how I'm feeling before I dive in. In some of those situations, I think it's okay for me to game. In others, it's better for me to pass. Playing a light game for an hour or 2 is much different than playing a more intense game for 6 hours straight into the wee hours of the morning. My next goal is 180 days. I will continue to post on here once every week or 2, read others' journals, and welcome newcomers. This site is a wonderful reminder of why I chose to quit. Now that my cravings for gaming seem to be more under control, I'd like to focus more of my willpower on giving up porn. This is the other addiction that has been with me since I was a boy. Other goals include getting fit and getting more involved with my church. All this, of course, means getting out of my house more.
  6. I did it! I set a goal to make it 90 days without gaming (I also included not watching Twitch) for a detox, and today marks the 90th day. Thanks to everyone in the community who have shared their own journeys and given me some support along the way. What I noticed/learned: Actually permanently deleting my Steam account was a massive boost. Knowing all the games I had on there were gone forever was ultimately a relief and a weight off my shoulders. If I was tempted to game, not having a steam account was a noticeable barrier. Reading Re-Spawn was a great way to start. As well as reading others' posts on here and keeping a journal. Journaling daily, especially at the start, was important. Ditching my laptop was also key. Having my desktop stationed in the living room as opposed to my bedroom decreased my desire to game. Keeping a calendar and a to-do list are very important. I now have a weekly dry-erase calendar - I like to look at the upcoming week and plot a few things on there. If I've got nothing to look forward to, it's much easier to fall into despair and making some poor decisions. Weekends are the biggest challenges, this is when I have large blocks of free time. It's helpful to journal out possible things to do that day on those mornings. I've been more loose and open to connecting with other people. A great example is my roommates. Before, when I was gaming, I tensed up when they were around, I didn't want them there so I good enjoy my game in solitude. But now, I'm much more welcoming of the company I read more. Over the last 3 months, I think I read at least 200 pages a month, which was much more than the preceding months I went to work more. In the past, there have been days when I've missed work so I could binge on a game for another day. 0% chance of that happening if I haven't been gaming. It did get easier, and as it got easier, I was able to put more focus on other challenges and goals. When I began cutting out gaming, there is some evidence that the addiction "switched over" to other things. I would drink more, binge on television, and watch more porn. It's important for me to be aware of when this happens and actually work recovery rather than allow myself to give in to other things that aren't healthy for me. My recovery especially involves giving it over to my higher power and connecting with others). What's next: After completing the detox, I have no plans to go back to gaming or watching Twitch. There have been too many benefits of not doing it, and too many poor consequences in the past of when I was doing it. I will experience urges from time to time, it's just part of being human. There may be some times when I'm hanging out with some friends or family and they're playing a multiplayer game. In those situations, I'll need to assess the situation and how I'm feeling before I dive in. In some of those situations, I think it's okay for me to game. In others, it's better for me to pass. Playing a light game for an hour or 2 is much different than playing a more intense game for 6 hours straight into the wee hours of the morning. My next goal is 180 days. I will continue to post on here once every week or 2, read others' journals, and welcome newcomers. This site is a wonderful reminder of why I chose to quit. Now that my cravings for gaming seem to be more under control, I'd like to focus more of my willpower on giving up porn. This is the other addiction that has been with me since I was a boy. Other goals include getting fit and getting more involved with my church. All this, of course, means getting out of my house more.
  7. Day 90 Made it through the weekend. I was a bit bored at times, Saturday and Sunday I spent at least 90% of my time in my house. A few thoughts of "Gaming would really kill some time", but when I thought about how slippery a slope that is, it wasn't as appealing. A few hours into a game, and suddenly I could be spending 10 hours in a day on it, sacrificing my sleep, adding to stress, and even causing me to miss work the next day. I did end up reading a lot, which I think is a good thing. I've managed to be free of porn for about 2 weeks now. I don't think I'd be able to do that if I was still entrenched in gaming. Oh yeah, and 90 days! Thanks to everyone here!
  8. Day 88 No strong temptations to game lately. I've been to 4 support groups in the last 9 days. It's working. It's keeping me busy, and there's no substitute for being around other people with the same struggles. I will say I went to happy hour with some friends after work yesterday, which was fun and disappointing at the same time. Beforehand, I said I'd have 2 drinks. I ended up having about 12. I don't know what to do about alcohol. It's a conundrum because I like it and it's fun, but it's also led me to a path of destruction several times. Fortunately, last night, those 12 drinks were spread out over about 10 hours, so I was nursing them...but still...the point is I had a goal and I overshot the shit out of it. I don't want to give up alcohol entirely, but I also don't want to continue to put myself at risk for doing stupid things. If anyone has any suggestions or personal experience with dealing with that, I'd certainly appreciate it.
  9. Welcome @karabas My advice would be to aim to quit. I've also tried to limit gaming, and it failed every..single..time. I would put everything you can into going cold turkey for 90 days, and then you can re-evaluate. I would also say that compulsively reading > Netflix/Youtube > gaming. So, there is a hierarchy there, as in they're not all the same level of bad. My advice would be try to find some way to connect with other people, not just with your wife, but others in your area too
  10. Day 83 I did watch a movie this weekend with a friend that was somewhat triggering. It wasn't what we were originally intending to see. It turned out to be decent, but it had a virtual reality/gaming theme throughout it, and there was a reference to Twitch and Walkthroughs, which is what my primary weakness has been more recently in my life. After the movie, it was on my mind to pull up some of my old "Twitch buddies" (who in reality have no idea who I am), and see what they're up to. I didn't. It's not going to make me feel any better. The weekend was good. Within 3 days I went to 2 support group meetings. No, it's not easy or comfortable. But I've tried it the other way, living to be able to coast...and look where it got me...broken, in a worse state than I was before. Coasting/numbing out...it has it's moments of excitement and elation...but it's not enough. It's not fulfilling I'd like to go to a church group tonight. Again, not easy, but just give it a chance. Be cool, observe. There's no need to get worked up about it.
  11. Welcome Edgar, thanks for sharing Wow, that's awesome you've been free of it for 4 months..I think that's good self-awareness that you knew you were feeling pulled to it, but didn't give in. Coming here and venting was a good choice. One thought that gets me through some of the tough times is "this will pass". Sometimes you just need to sleep on it, and the temptation will start dissipating the next day. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer than that. Also, in your situation, you have more to lose. Starting at Day 0 puts an uphill battle in front of you, and I don't think you want to go through that work again
  12. Day 78 Today feels a bit different. I feel more focused. I think one of my roommates is rubbing off on me, in a good way. I'm going to go to a support group tomorrow, which I've put off for months. I will go.
  13. Day 75 Closing in on 90 days. This weekend was pretty good. I spent some time with my roommates and friends. My roommates and I are Catholic so it was nice to be able to observe Good Friday and Easter together.. Friday and Saturday I was busy enough to not even have much time to fall into selfish stuff. Today is more relaxed. More media today, but I'm okay with it.
  14. Thanks for the support @Dannigan!
  15. Day 71 Today has been more challenging than I've had in a while. I feel crappy today. Not physically sick, but sort of a heavy feeling in my pit, like my soul is dampened. I've chose to spend a ton of time over of the last few weeks doing passive things, especially watching media. I've had limited connections outside of work, family, and roommates. I have not tried to connect socially other than that. I texted in to work today. I hate that feeling. It's one thing if it's a planned PTO day, or if I'm legitimately sick, but it's another if I just decide the morning of that I'm not feeling it. And these are the days that I'm especially susceptible to watching Twitch or finding a gamer I want to watch. Haven't done it though. I've not been doing well with porn and my lack of connectivity, but I know that if I fell into Twitch, it could lead to an even worse state. I will go to work tomorrow, and I will knock some things out. If I can take a walk, read, and meditate/pray today, I think that'd be a step in the right direction
  16. dwalk77

    60 days!

    Wohoo, I've made it 60 days! Man, it really does feel good to say that. Even though I won't say my life is in complete order right now, still lots of mess to clean up, I will say not gaming has been a hugely positive thing for me, and it leaves me much more open to more positive steps and progress going forward. I'm more aware now of when I'm in certain situations which are triggering, both when being alone, and when being around certain environments or people. People, places, things. So grateful for this forum, reading others' journeys, and the support I've got here Pushing for 90 now.
  17. Day 63 Yes, I made it past 60 days, which was a big goal for me. This weekend was somewhat challenging. I spent some time with an old buddy, as well as with my brother, who I both grew up with gaming. It would have been a good chance for me to get back into an old game for old times' sake. If I would have suggested a game, I'm pretty sure they would have agreed, and it'd be fun at first, but it could also trigger me to dive into something more. So I never mentioned it. We found alternatives to do. March Madness/College Basketball was going on this weekend, and I really enjoyed watching some of that, including with them. Yes, my role is a spectator and it's not as beneficial as me actually doing things, but hey, I don't see anything wrong with relaxing and watching some sports from time to time. Sometimes it inspires me. I did have a conversation with my brother one night, about games. He was playing a game on his phone while we were outside on the porch having a beer. It's sort of weird to me - I couldn't be totally honest with him. Instead of sharing with him that I've made a commitment to not game anymore...I downplayed it, and we talked about what our favorite games growing up were, and what we've played lately. I think it bugs me that I couldn't just be honest with him and tell him about this site, and how gaming has been a negative influence on me. Maybe once I'm further down this road, I can have another talk with him at some point about it.
  18. Thanks @BigOlBeartic Yeah...this last weekend was pretty good b/c I did get out of the house in that I spent a lot of time with my family at my Mom's house. But, still need to work on doing other things, too, besides just family stuff
  19. Day 55 Stayed up late last night watching Youtube...which wasn't Twitch or gaming, but it had a similar effect. Me having my eyes glued to a screen for 3 hours, frantically clicking on next video after next video. Next thing I know it's 2 a.m. and I've deprived myself of sleep for the beginning of the work week. I also reached out to my ex-gf today. It's a long story, but I've told her multiple times I wouldn't do that anymore. In fact, she may have blocked me this time. I don't think I will truly heal from that unless I start making new connections and make myself vulnerable in new ways. I feel like I've been living in my own mind a lot lately, and that's not a good thing. I'm lacking connection. I have a few opportunities this week, I should go for it
  20. @No-Face, thanks for the update, and glad you're committing to a detox from Twitch! Yeah, I've also watched Peterson with Rogan and Rubin...I think he has some amazing insights. I have heard of that program you're referring to, but I have not checked it out yet. Let me know if you do!
  21. Welcome @No-Face! Thanks for sharing. I'm curious what you'll think about the Jordan Peterson book, I have his Maps of Meaning book on my reading list. I've watched a lot of Twitch, and lots of Youtube playthroughs as well. My situation might be different than yours, though, b/c I would say Twitch did get in the way of important tasks, and it did lead to me gaming. But even if it doesn't, I think it's worth asking yourself - are you putting yourself at risk to it getting to that point? And if there is a risk, how much is it? All that being said...I still think giving up Twitch for a period is a good idea. In my opinion, watching Twitch is lazy, more lazy than most other activities, even watching TV. If you're wanting to watch entertainment for comedic value, I think you're better off watching a comedy film or reading a humorous book than watching Twitch. I can only give my personal opinion here, but I think if you commit to not watching Twitch for a few months, I would be surprised if you didn't see some tangible benefits. I'm going on about 2 months without it, and I certainly feel better without it.