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Xonor

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  1. Xonor

    Jay's Epic Journey

    It is good to hear that from you. Yes, removing video games as a safety net did also, for me, show up many issues I had. If you are prepared to work through these issues, now that they are in plain sight, you'll come out much better in the end. It is worth re-assuring yourself on this with your journal. It keeps you accountable, if nothing else. Have a good one!
  2. Xonor

    Jay's Epic Journey

    1. Getting away from provocative media can be something hard to do, or, more difficult still, dealing with the mental images they leave behind. You could try consuming other kinds of media,of a less dramatic nature, like ambient music, or do some task that roots you in reality. Weightlifiting is my usual go to, but it's often just me lying on me bed, or listening to the wind blow through the trees near where I live. Gardening/ doing chores is also a good one. They remind you're still here, still living with other things, and you're still human, and that this maintenance is both necessary, and also helps remind that life rarely needs explosions and passionate arguments to be fulfilling, or enjoyable. 2. Your suspicions are on well-trodden ground, if that's much comfort. I have found that rationally confronting these anxieties (face them right on, look at them with objectivity, and decide whether you have anything to worry about what the anxiety is, and if there is anything you can do to stop that) constantly and persistently can be enough to deal with these feelings. Constantly, I used to worry if my very ill mother will be alright if I leave the house with no other family members to watch over her. I've ran through multiple nightmare scenarios in my head. None of them have happened, so far. "But what if they do happen?" Well, it's unfortunate if it does (to put it mildly), but most days, I check to see if she's okay, if she needs anything (tea, water, emotional support, her walking cane), and then I go outside, and I've come back to my mum, as good as she can be, given her illness. Accept that something awful can happen, prepare for / prevent it, where it is possible and healthy to do so, and then leave it out of your mind. Often that last part happens because you just move on to something else. The important part, I feel, is that you understand the fear your anxiety stems from, and not try to hid from it, no matter how terrifying. Hiding from it gives it weight and importance it does not deserve. 3. I recognised this in myself, when I was depressed, I recognised this in my family and friends who have been in a bad state, and who came to me then. Let me be clear: It's not ridiculous, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Seeking emotional validation is a very, very human thing to do, and I think you might be a putting out a cry for help, and that is also totally okay for you to do. The next step, I think, is confronting and replacing the validation you get from self-pity. You feel good from feeling like you're worthless, and you "prove" to yourself that you are, and that gets you through your day. Now, find something else, apart from video games, that fills that validation. Other people are worthwhile including in this validation (a partner gives you a compliment, your friends laugh at a joke). But, I feel you may only truly conquer this if the validation comes from within. It is in there. Something which drives you forward, and if you don't have one right now, look for it. Go deep, deep in to your heart, your mind and soul. I found mine in my strong belief in helping others, and it has lead me through the worst crises of my life so far. I had always had that drive and feeling, but it took many, many months of "What the fuck do I care about?" before I got there. Many find it - a drive - in their work, in their political beliefs, in their family, in their hobby. I might dare to say some reasons are better than others. Yours may be the product of meticulous reasoning, or, like my mine, gut instinct. It doesn't particularly matter, as long as you have one you believe in. For that last question, stay with me. I will try to answer it, although I must apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds, in answering the question, Cam. I remember reading Angry White Pajamas, a book about the author, an Englishman, learning Aikido, a somewhat obscure Japanese martial art, while living with two other guys in a somewhat run-down part of Japan, being a foreigner and also quite poor. It deals with a lot of things - Japanese cultural norms, the joys and pains of training your body, being a foreigner in a country like Japan - but one thing stood out to me, so clearly, in relation to my (still ongoing) weight issues. I'm obese, for reference. One fellow trainee, at a mountain retreat, talks to the author, and says "One day, standing naked under a waterfall, I realised my body was just shit. Just, complete shit. Garbage." He goes on to say that at that precise moment, he could then begin to train seriously. Before that, it was almost pointless. You can work very hard on the issues you've talked about, here and elsewhere. You can even make progress. But only when you accept these issues, these feelings, totally, without bias or judgement. No shame, no guilt. Only then can any real change be made. I stood under a hot shower a couple of weeks ago, and said to myself "My body is complete shit." After that, I built my weightlifting set, and started my routine, and I changed. I got stronger. It is long path ahead of me, but I have taken my first steps. Everything that you hate about yourself, right now, you must look, straight, right in the eye, and say that that is who you are, right now. When you can do that, then you can start changing yourself into something you think is better.
  3. One way to look at this, philosophically, is to try to narrow down what you are trying to achieve with this thought process / pattern, and the desire that these questions are born out of. Are you trying to be more happy? Let's say you are. What is your being happy? In my experience, that was the first important and productive question I dealt with. Is my happiness losing weight? For me, it is, in some part. Is my happiness about being a great athlete, or going to join the local football / gym? Nope. It's my, racking my weights, doing the exercises, and feeling good and sweaty afterwards. Further to that, I have kilogram weight loss goals, and kilogram weightlifting metrics. Number can help with the practical goals. Okay, is my happiness talking to my friends? Sure. Who are my friends? Right now, I really only have one. He's a good friend, albeit with some political differences that I sometimes seethe in anger for, but he's my friend. I used to have a lot more friends. Where did they go? Following from that, the unproductive thought is (that I often have) oh, they all left you, no one else wants to be your friend. I should be out drinking and trying to having fun, like whoever tells me I should. My dad does, and so have his uncles, when I've talked to them. They must be correct, right? Both of these statements, are, to an extent, correct. I am two years behind my college friends, and they are nowhere to be seen. They aren't really around to talk to. I also hate drinking, with a passion. This makes socializing difficult. Tomorrow, I'm going to ring some of my old friends, and ask them can I come over to talk, or to meet up.I will reach out to them, and ask them how they've been, and ask them to do maybe something we both like to do? It's a productive thought. Goals. Objectives. Not "be more social, be healthier". They're well meaning words of motivation, but ultimately useless in getting to where you want to be. Getting to where you want to be begins with knowing where that location is. It is generally advisable, in traveling, that to avoid getting lost, you should know where you want to go. It is worth getting pen and paper and writing these goals down. You may not achieve your stated goals, despite this. Keep trying, but with precision, some measure of questioning (is this thing making me happy, as opposed to should I be more happy in doing this thing), and a willingness to re-evaluate these goals. No, not give up, but change them, from time to time. Another point: perfectionism. It's an admirable goal, and it's also often more trouble that it is worth. You will make mistakes, in all things you do. Not being as efficient, regards to a time:fun ratio, is a mistake. That's okay. If you have not done so already, accept, firmly, the idea that not all time you spend can be productively put towards making yourself better. You need time to wash your hair, lie on your bed, and reflect. You also need to do these things (and many other similar things besides), if you wish to become better. If I tell you to think one thing, I will tell you, sincerely, that you must think for yourself on how you can be better. Directly? If you do meditate, meditate on what you have done today, or what you should do tomorrow. Good questions: How did what you do make you feel? Have you learned from what you did, today? Should you change your course of action? Seek other opinions, yes. Seek opinions that oppose yours. And then, come to your own conclusion. There is no correct answer here, and if you reply back to me with "what about x" (and that x can be studying formal logic, learning to do a handstand, brushing up on the history of Iowa), the only answer I feel I can give is "well, did it work for you?".
  4. We'll try this thing again. Weightlifting goals now monitored, thought I'd never get to that but I now have a whole bunch of spare a4 graph paper to document progress. Diet less of an issue. I now weigh 130kg, which scares me immensely (5'9, for BMI reference). I have relapsed, and tried WoW again, but ultimately I've quit it for good,as it was near impossible to get a social routine going anyway (the main reason I played those games). Gradually working myself up to just being okay with play a game for a while, and then trying to do something else either instead, or at least playing video games in a productive manner (i.e. having fun with my friend playing them). I think I will also use this as a self-accountability journal for breaching my genuinely difficult topics (socialising, effort into my hobbies, pushing hard goals on diet and exercise). On that note: I ate chocolate today, and played games past the point they were fun. Both of these, I will try to avoid. Xonor
  5. Xonor

    Let's try again.

    As per title. Writing this at an also very early time of day. A new 90 day thread. Let's see if going cold turkey will really help. Xonor
  6. Xonor

    What's everyone reading?

    Syrian Notebooks, Jonathan Littell. No pictures, just bare diaries and scrapes of words of when the journalist went through what are essentially a series of towns and villages consumed by guerilla fighting and wrote about the day to day - going to field hospitals, and the horror stories, looking at rooftops and seeing sniper posts, the structure of the FSA (the counter-government army) and ordinary people, as well as his own contempt for Western governments for refusing to step in. A large part of modern foreign affairs politics in my short life has been looking at places where things look bad, but I didn't have any evidence. Reading this book again, it (assuming everything written in it can be trusted) showed me just the banality of oppression, and the illogic and horror of one group of people trying to supress another because of religion. Not the thing you'd read to your kids. But excellent war journalism. Attempting to convey that kind of environment has only resonated with me when you're in the thick of it. It's too easy to talk about abstract concepts to civilians like us, and to ignore the conditions of those suffering. It's harder when you have this kind of info in front of you. "Think occasionally of the suffering you spare yourself the sight of"
  7. Xonor

    This is me, I guess.

    Thank you, all for the responses. I'm around a bit right now, so I suppose I should mention them personally. @Natelovesboardgames , you would be correct. I really enjoyed wandering down Ireland's backroads with my friends, not too long ago. I might try it again sometime. @Dannigan and with mention to prior, that's part of the reason I'm pursuing nursing, to move to a new country with a fairly attractive skillset, I hope. But the inbetween? I've spent two years out of college to make enough to get back in. I can't run away from the fact that I'm going @dwalk77 Hope you're alright. Getting away sounds great. But the image of my sister sitting on her windowsill, two stories up, crying, won't fucking leave my head. Talking to a therapist about this has resulted in me being advised to not take responsibilities for other's actions. Everything - everything else - my own suicidal thoughts, my mother's crippling disease, the wariness certain other people display around me, the shallowness of my relationships - everything, all of that is fine, forgettable. I can move on, and ignore. I'll stick to writing in the journal. Above anything else, I wish to communicate (to you, stalwart fellows) to everyone that I'm just kind of a sad person. I was always like this, even when I was young (relatively speaking). I call as it is, with the sugar on top as needed as, and really can't stand to talk to people who mainly call me an asshole, or sad. Not interested. I think, despite my contempt for it, I should get back into political volunteering. I like it a lot, it might well be due to my Dad being a pretty solid citizen in that regard. My brain is scattered. Good night. Xonor
  8. Xonor

    90 days

    A good day turned sour. My mother had.. an event (psychological), started crawling on the floor, asked the windows be opened and took her medicine. She keeps asking me to be happy, but I can't fake it. It pains me to see her like this. My dad is alright, sleep apnea confirmed, but a machine treatment is viable. No video games played, but too much time on youtube. Not a lot of chocolate either. Still need to quit the latter cold turkey. I'm perhaps beginning to think I might be better suited to another forum, but I know if I stop posting here I'll stop caring entirely. It's hard to persuade myself to not use the computer in some way when most of my books are now blurring together for having read them so many times, and drawing is difficult to believe to be worthwhile, or to find the time inbetween breaking up family fights Regardless, still going. When I got some free time this (working) weekend, I might start setting up some goals each day. Still finding myself to be extremely distracted or disinterested. Even though I was both of these things without games, this emptiness - useful in some ways, helped me get where I am academically - feels like something beyond simply not having many friends because of games. Typing these out is beginning to be a chore. I think I've changed somewhat in this time, but not much. I suppose I should give it the benefit of the doubt. Xonor
  9. Xonor

    90 days

    Ran to get my bus today. I'm starting to run out of books to read on the bus. Late night, early start. My dad is in for sleep apnea, or at least a sleep lab assessment. Out of all the things he could have, that's really one of the lesser ones. I hope he's okay. I didn't talk much today. People seem to talk to me more or less the same, but my perception of it is warped. This has been an enlightening experience, so far. Sometimes - in between caring for my mum arguing and then crying about my sister, and eating to hide the pain, I get these rare lucid moments, only I have to come see them as acting like a normal person. It feels like a familiar sort of weirdness. At many points throughout this detox, I have come to look upon my actual issues more closely, and have become alarmed at how comfortable they are to me. Xonor
  10. Xonor

    90 days

    Alright. Good, Planted some trees with my volunteer group. Mild sunburn, extensive muckiness. Early shift this week at work. Still no videogames. Still overeating. Still.. bored. Couldn't do my standup gig either. I can't ever seem to change the things that are important. Xonor
  11. Xonor

    90 days

    Played a video game today. 3 hours, but with a friend. We talked robustly on politics. I was going to do stand up tomorrow, but will probably elect to go with my conservation group tomorrow - planting trees in the middle of nowhere. Can't think of much today. Playing that game almost made me relapse, and I've beenw atching lots of game footage today. Trying to find my copy of crime and punishment to ward it off. Xonor
  12. Xonor

    90 days

    No cravings, again. Strange. I think, in honesty, my issues lie with food and other indulgences, apart from video games. Not playing video games has reminded me, mostly, of how alone I both am and feel. I got quite used to loneliness, and still am. My mum is doing well today, as is my sister and father. Work was pretty good, bit hectic. Sleep deprivation still in effect. Going to go lift now. Take it easy. Xonor
  13. Xonor

    90 days

    Day 2 . Late night again. Slept poorly, slept from 18:00 to 23:00 , can't sleep now, should turn off my pc soon. No real cravings to game, apart from maybe the fact that I still have 50 days left on my ffxiv sub - I prefer not to waste money. No refunds, either. I'll admit I might feel slightly better, but if that's because of no video games I'm not seeing evidence for it. Being this sad reminds me of how hard it was to socialize in general. I hope my other friend is okay to talk this weekend. Signing off for now. Not much to talk about. Xonor
  14. Xonor

    90 days

    Day 1, part 2, I venture. A surprisingly good day at work today. Myself and two colleagues recorded ourselves shouting loudly into a mic, and intend to install it as the boot sound for our other colleague's computer. Sleep deprivation is starting to hit me hard. I intend to get some lifting in today. The temptation to play games is quite heavy. I do think I will continue, but it is worth committing to other hobbies and maybe really drawing a schedule up. I've come to derive immense satisfaction from finishing drawings. I'm not sure where I want to take it. My mum's health is good today. This is not usually the case. Bit peckish. Have had a hard time being social. Thinking about calling friends. I will try to do regular end of day journals, as opposed to parts, if only to get everything all done in one.
  15. Xonor

    This is me, I guess.

    No. Thank you for the suggestion, though. I do not think self-help books will be of any great help. Reading regular books, does help. Strange as it may sound, but the near-insane ravings of Raskolnikov in Crime and Punishment, which I've started re-reading, have helped remind me of own nihilistic outlooks, and how absurd they may seem, or how they tend to play out in similar ways in the book as in my own. Life imitates art, and so on. With regards to setting discipline, it is probably worth getting that journal up. I'm doing it now. I'm having a hard time setting any particular goal. Might aim for something something drawing. My parents were both life coaches. My mother got Parkinson's, and she hasn't really been able to maintain any sort of happiness. It put me off life-coaching. Hope you're having a good day.
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