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Stev1989PL

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  1. ! Failed day 68 ! Entry: With this entry I just want to bring closure in this journal. I have failed on day 68th as I was suspecting it might happen. As the new server of my greatest game addiction (L2) was announced to be opened from scratch in next Season the "avalanche" movement came into place. With little grains of snow and rocks at the beginning and gathering more and more eventually resulting with full half of mountain decent on my barely forming new life.. And I relapsed hard, getting fake sick leave from work and almost losing the woman I love in the process.. Just to play a mmorpg game.. Losing the sight of what character I need to work on. I almost lost it all. Mistakes I made to learn from: - I havent completely cut myself from game content. A little thing I forgot.. In this case I still had specific L2 server in "watched" on facebook. Even though I was successfully avoiding any sources of gaming content (websites, yt channels, twitch, twitter etc.) it all begun once I saw the news about opening the new server. This was my spark to fuel relapsing - Once the spark appeared I couldn't resist the urge to check the details about new server. Once I did it wasnt spark anymore, it started a little fire.. - After that I was all in into checking L2 content, reminding myself best classes/build/strategies for new coming server. I had it still in the back of my mind that I cannot play as this is impossible for me to combine with normal life as I am incapable of limiting time of playing.. being addict and already having previous experiences of hitting rock bottoms.. But I kept on having that vision in my head, also listening to music compilations from the soundtrack which was super wrong move - Even though I was honest with my girlfriend and talked open about my new urge of playing I cheated myself and her that ok, I wont start playing on Opening Date as playing mmorpg has not end date but I will at least play in Beta days (5 days max before Opening), experience the end game stuff on many classes (as this is always a goal when you are playing) and quit once more. Well.... it was another mistake.. I played 3 days, my girlfriend became depressed, cried a lot, couldnt sleep, we started to grow apart immediately.. And I quit again. But the damage has been done. To the trust between us and to my psychic health.. - Even though I quit playing after 3 days I didnt quit gaming content right away. I made the excuse to me and my gf that it costed me dearly to quit playing and because of that urge I need to satisfy it by watching for some time to get rid of it.. So I watched the same server on twitch.. I could compare it to the alcoholic not drinking but watching others drinking live. How fucked up is that? Yeah.. At this very moment while I am typing this entry I managed to cut myself away completely once more. I have to admit it was extremely hard, I even considered 2-months rehab away from home (and if I fail again I will go there). I didnt want to post here right away after relapse as I knew it wouldnt bring any value for me or anybody who might read it.. Now however, with mistakes I made presented above it is way more clear for me to see it all. And hopefully you can get something out of it too. Maybe get additional boost in your fights. Fingers crossed..! PS. All what's left to be done is to create a new journal for another attempt.. Enriched with knowledge and hopefully stronger
  2. Finished day 66-67> 23 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry: I am about to relapse. I almost did it today. There is beta of the server that will be opened on 26th of March. At first I was thinking hard about joining that day.. As I know this would result with me losing my job and my girlfriend I came up with the idea I will take a sick leave coming 5 days now on beta and try out classes and have fun with ending gear set up etc. This way I could quit again on 26th when server starts....with hope I will resist myslef from continuing on.. I was gonna do it today as I felt like I hit such hard depression as this was the only "cure" but my girlfriend cried when we talked about it so I didnt.. We spent the whole day as zombies barely talking to each other. I know she wants to help me and I can feel her support. I just feel I dont have any strength anymore...... I am thinking about playing tomorrow..
  3. Finished day 65> 25 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry: Spent productive day and socialized with my friend on whisky blending workshop which was super fun and insightful, also inspiring in the sense. I have made my own blended whisky from single malts 🤩 Aside from that fact the L2 thoughts are still as clouds in bad weather over my head..
  4. Finished day 64> 26 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry (super imporant for me vol. 2 - contrast): In contrary to the last entry I had actually spent this day on super positive vibe. I have managed to get myself out of bed at 6am, took a shower, ate small breakfast, drank quick coffee and went straight for my boxing session at 7:15. After 1 hour of exhausting training I got back home and started to work remotely at 8:45. And to my suprise this was actually a great day, which I am grateful for. I still maintain high level of energy, I feel almost empowered in a sense. As though I had conqured myself in that early morning somehow. I dont wanna add anything sour to what I had just written by saying something as I still think hard about L2 and elaborate on that, thus I will leave it by just saying what I said. The most imporant fact here is that I got the glimpse of another self today which has potential to have way different life in the future than the guy from yesterday.
  5. Finished day 62-63> 27 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry (super imporant for me): At this point I am gonna be truely 100% honest with you and myself with this entry.. I dont know if I'm gonna make it.. As mentioned earlier I have been listening to Witcher soundtracks for work/studying and there hasnt been any issues with me in regards to desire to relapse. However recently as I have the loud neighbour living floor above me I have started to listen to Lineage 2 cities music compilation.. At first it wasnt any different than Witcher OST but after a while I noticed this feeling of nostalgia inside me. Nostalgia in reference to old times when everything was so much easier, almost no obligations, carefree attitude towards life. It has gradually grown on me stronger and stronger, this underlying feeling of something known to me already and sweet promise of comeback. How ECSTATIC would it be to create new char, cut down on complicated real life issues and get back to well known principiles of virtual life and its benefits over the one we live in.. I thought I am in control as I have been soo long without any gaming (yup 2+ months means that for me).. Yet as I had some L2 server prior quitting liked on facebook I got the information about some unfortunate event occurred which in the end will result in creation of completely new server. Totally from scratch new, wiped out, new chars to come.. Created and reshaped in accordance to all the feedback received from players who had played on last version. I had viewed the changes to come.. Well..... Again truely from heart this server to come appears to me as being my dream come true server for L2 Interlude I had always wished for.. With all that balance to make it the best out of the best. I am not gonna mention the server name deliberately for whomever who might struggle with keeping away from that game. All I can say it is planned to launch around the end of March, which is around a week from now. Even though I am putting all my resistance to not think about it and to stay away, my current life situation, depression so to speak kinda predicts subconsciously that I will fail on that day and relapse...... The only wall still standing for me know is to not fail here and due to the fact I have the greatest woman of all time who I love and she has given me love I would never dare to dream of.. And.. Even though I am aware of that, I kinda feel like I am inclined to hit another rock bottom again as so many times before but way harder.. As I hadnt hit before. It would result with losing my love for sure and in parallel becoming greatest of the new server player (by greatest obviously I mean the one who grinded the most, shown best overall approach for max performance) and then realizing I have lost everything of value - extra point - unless I dont drink myself to death while doing that..... I know how pathetic that sounds and what my path should like now. How desperatly I should try to safe myself with doing everything in power to stay away and not relapse but I am hesitating to do so still..... As though I wised to go back into the miserable FUCK I always was. Like I am clinging to my old self.. And cannot accept the new one which is loved and still has actual chance to make something of itself.. Sorry guys for such long rant.. Just wanted to put my thoughts here "out loud" even though I know how ridiculous it all sounds. Also I wanted to leave the mark of my madness at the brief blink of clarity of my mind (as it is still there).. I know this all in theory super well, rehearsed many times in reality.. I know how at risk I am of going there. Yet contradictory to all my senses some big part of me doesnt mind it, actually desires it as hell even if I know it is self-desctruction I might not ever rise from again.. Maybe someone of you also can benefit it somehow from what I have just wirtten somehow
  6. Finished day 61> 29 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry: Work: This day I have worked with almost 100% attention when working so I would say it is a mild progress. The transition of new responsibilities has started, thus I will need to stay consistent with such approach. Otherwise I will not take over successfully and probably quit afterwards. What is super discouraging is that the guy I am taking over from is the 2nd person leaving the company. I have spoken to him today and he confirmed the story from the 1st person who left 2 months ago. It appears there is no work-life balance and the load of work for one person is not possible to be handled completely. It might be due to the fact it is Purchasing in Automotive but still I am not sure if I believe myself to be person willing to work in such environment. Especially as in my mind when I start my family I want to pay more attention to it rather than work.. So this dilema will probably gain on its meaning after some time into the future.. No alcohol: done - I have promised myself and my gf I will give up hard alcohol <whisky> till her birthday which is in 2 months. No PMO: done Meditation: done, 15 minutes of breathing focus Physical activity: done, 30 minutes of few run laps and boxing movement training I'd say it was very good and productive day. I am grateful for it 🙂 @Jason70Thank you bro, I appreciate your words of encouragement. Will try not to fail! Also I am rooting for your progress and checking it as well 💪
  7. Finished day 60> 30 days to go 🥉🥈 Entry: Cant believe it has been 2 months already! It had its ups and downs but I feel proud to write this message. I can only hope I will start improving in other areas as well in weeks to come
  8. Finished day 59> 31 days to go 🥉 Entry: Tomorrow will be 2 months off gaming content and 30 days to finish respawn. Have nothing else for now, lets focus on this for now
  9. Finished day 57 > 33 days to go 🥉 Entry: I feel better now.. I have to get my shit together asap [dont know why this post didnt go through] Finished day 58 > 32 days to go 🥉 Entry: Work: better as I am learning more and getting more motivated in a way. I am taking over more responsibilities from Metal Commodity. Hopefully I will keep my level of motivation for following days and wont get discouraged in the process Meditation: havent set up routine with this one, thus fail No alcohol: fail, had 2 glasses of wine No PMO: fail, gotta start over Physical activity: last 3 days aside from hangover I havent been feeling well in general. Depression mood swings and also my throat hurt and I had a cough. Focused myself on getting better today with resting and eating super healthy with wit C and all natural anti-inflammation ingredients. Thus no training Remark: to summarize I dont know if this is common or not but I have realized my increased urge for gaming since around 50+ days off.. I have noisy neighbours above me and I kinda used Lineage 2 Cities Music Compilation on earphones for falling asleep. At first it was just as effecitve sleeping pill with nice feeling associated with it. After couple times I have also used it while learning or working. At this point the urge began to has greater power on me. My thoughts started to wonder how awesome would be to start a new journey on the new server set up in older Chronicles. The process of characters' creation and slow gradual working your way up.. It was so strong I kinda felt like I was day dreaming. It hasnt been that strong yet. The urge.. I managed to keep it under control but everytime I even think about that music it automatically replays itself in my head (I know it that well - probably as anybody who spent so many hours in that world). I wonder if it is just my mistake picking this music or if it is due to some milestone around 50+ off gaming days..... I wonder cuz I use Witcher soundtrack from time to time and it didnt have effect even near that strong as it is with L2 music recently
  10. Finished day 56 > 34 days to go 🥉 Entry: I am not gonna expand on this as I am drunk right now. All I can say is that I regret it is that hard to control myself at my best capacities.. Going through so many self-reflective experiences would kinda make you the expert on so many things. What is the reality? You are not. You only reflect on your own agenda and experiences. Judging it from that perspective. There is none of universal one. So this is the stage for me and my entry here. I am drunk. I regret it but it is the truth as of this moment. I also cannot promise as I am being in shame that I am going to improve. The reality is I dont know I will. You might think I will as this is the best possible outcome of this situation.. But my outcome for my situation I can straightforward state is hell different than yours. "Just keep in mind what I said right now when you encounter me again.."
  11. Finished day 54-55 > 35 days to go 🥉 Entry: Yesterday I have celebrated National Women's Day with my woman. Not to get into details I have made it more special for her than the ordinary one. She seemed content and happy when we went to sleep. This day was a disaster though. We had another serious argument over something even not worth mentioning. What is worth to mention though is that such occurance has definitely become more frequent than it should.. We argue way too often. I am to blame as not playing games made more vulnerable to...well...true myself. Myself not clouded by numbness resulted from gaming. I feel like I am forced to encounter all my faulty charactericts in their true form. And what's to say? It aint pretty. I have to beat my need for control, jelousy, constant neediness of attention which could build up my ego. Those are not virtues in recipe for healthy and happy relationship.. I must get rid of them while building up myself from nothing here. It feel as quitting games, drinking casually, being in shape and having my job handled well are my key goals here to build myself the fundament for happy life
  12. Finished day 53 > 37 days to go 🥉 Entry: Well today was quite the opposite day than yesterday one. Even though I had hangover in the morning and both of us had gloomy moods we set off on the trip we had planned before we argued. I gotta admit it was a breathe of fresh air in all aspects. We spent almost 6 hours in the mountains. The weather was amazing, refreshingly cold air and the sun was shining on our faces. We are going to sleep happy and content at the moment and I just wanted to briefly share how the day went. I am quite optimistic about tomorrow. Below sharing few photos from today and the harder one I kinda promised to myself to post every week to have better motivation for training.. Stay well my whoever reads this. PS> Imporant note: once more it has proven for me to just force my ass out to leave the apartment or whatever those 4 walls are for you to get better almost instantly mentally. Especially into the nature
  13. Finished day 51-52 > 38 days to go 🥉 Entry: I have had another serious argument with my girlfriend over something of ridiculous no importance which ended up with me and her leaving the apartment solo and going for individual car drives to calm ourselves. We made peace when both of us eventually got back but I kinda feel numb right now. At the moment I am listening to nostalgic music compilation and drinking 3rd glass of whisky and I just dont care anymore.. We will see what tomorrow brings
  14. Finished day 50 > 40 days to go 🥉 Entry: Had a really tough day.. At the moment I am feeling tired as hell, both mentally and physically. Don't know the reason but I would guess being "burnt out" seems most accurate right now. I have put lot of commitments on top of my shoulders. Also I struggle with being myself in relationship with my girlfriend. I can feel her immense support and I am truly grateful but I also get so easily agitated and frustrated.. I have short temper and get annoyed almost in an instant by little stupid things of no importance.. We talked about it, she understands but I cannot deny sometimes I just wish disappearing far away from everybody and spend some time alone with no obligations.. Just to sort things out in my head. I had a session with my psychologist today too. I finished with the sense of being totally out, as the balloon with no air. No energy to do anything but urge to fall down on my bad and lye there depressed. Which I did for quite some time afterwards.. I know days like this come and go and tomorrow is gonna be a new day and after some sleep there will be sort of reset on my mind but still I had to let it out of my system here today with no input on my additional commitments aside from the gaming one. Stay strong guys and dont get discouraged..
  15. Finished day 49 > 41 days to go 🥉 Entry: Work: same old, same old, no progress.. I feel like I am keeping this one until there is fire under my ass with threat of letting me go from the company.. I know it doesn't sound reasonable but it is as it is at the moment.. It is like not using peaceful period for building fortification, training your army, gathering supplies in face of enemy army coming towards your family village until you see it on the horizon.. Wonder what the outcome might be Meditation: done No alcohol: done Physical activity: Weight training with bands and 25 minutes run No PMO: done [I am adding this one to the list as I know it can greatly benefit towards my general sense of happiness] @Jason70 Well, the training was kinda like I described in previous post how my old ones were.. I sucked and basically felt like old guy trying to learn to walk while way younger guys than me were running and doing flip-flops at the same time..😅 Anyway I am going to buy next 5 training sessions with that trainer as he is active fighter and I got the impression that he knows his craft so hopefully he will be able to teach a tool <as me> something of value. Not gonna give up this time at the start line! Also I think you should definitely try out that kung-fu if you find such idea even slightly interesting. Just follow your natural instincts. I would say it is the way to go with everything. It sometimes bring unexpected outcome or other crumbs on your path which you wouldn't find otherwise. Wish you best bro!