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Everything posted by thehondasc00py

  1. I'm back. I have a retreat in one week, until then I want to be chill but consistent with practices, whip myself back into shape. Printing out new X-Cards and I'll make a new vision board as well. And, I will journal every single day like in the start of my videogame detox. Good old days. I want to feel really good in my body like I did a couple weeks ago, which was a culmination of self-inquiry, energy work, releasing, and exercise. Practices: selfinquiry/meditation - 20min 1 guided release or targeted inner work - 20min 1 session of kriya yoga or some energy meditation - 20min 1 walk or calisthenics, dancing - 30min daily journal entry - 10min I've learnt some things about myself the past week or two..I'm back at home at my parent's house and it's tough. I'm coming from living half a year alone without wifi into a house filled with distractions, wifi and on-demand TV...without a strong vision and goal and concrete stuff to work on, I'm very vulnerable to that and I also learnt..how moody I can be in the mornings. For the sake of full disclosure I will say I did play some WoW the last 2 days. I got insane cravings to just play through and see the newest patch which were hitting my mood hard so I decided to just give myself a few days, scratch the itch and get it done. Ended up only needing two days and it didn't keep me, deinstalled again without a hitch and I feel pretty decent this morning. I'm kinda excited for the new expansion but it's still a few months away. In that time, I want to get my life in order. I really want to live away from home again. Where I can focus on and do my thing the way I want to do it. And live in a city amongst the hustle and bustle, meetups and events. So that is my next goal: moving out (again). First, I need to earn some money, then I need to find a place. I realised I would love to leave the country altogether. The one thing that does really excite me is living somewhere exotic. I'm too smallminded, not ambitous enough, not ballsy enough, to realise my potential. There#s fantastic places to be and exciting things to do out there for the creative, courageous and ambitous. I don#t think I can work around first finding work and living here at home though, because I have no money to move out yet. My parents are breathing down my neck to find a job here which is fine. I'm gonna start visualising and inspiring myself more with grander things.
  2. Its been quite a tough week. I feel some resistance to journalling. Perhaps I think things should be better than thay are. Suffering always seems to return. Fear of being stuck, failing, being a coward, too lazy, a lot of that rose to the surface, triggered by a few things. Remaining little, worrisome old me. Been releasing which feels fantastic. More and more I believe the essence of spirituality is becoming a SUPERCONDUCTOR for experience. Emotions and thoughts are energy, I am the wire. Resist and get burnt up, but with 0 resistance, it flows in and out with 0 heat generated. Superconductor. Authenticity. Accepting there is no real control. I moved out of my apartment, made a deal with the next renter I would leave all my furniture for 150 euros. When the day came, of course he had no money on his account. After all the favours I had done him throughout the past weeks, and my fantastic beloved table I left him. I got suspicous and asked to check his account, he really had 0, but I feel I was not assertive enough. Like with the locksmith, I feel fucked over hard. Its not that much money or the end of the world in the grand scheme of things, but it triggered a lot of suffering. If only this, if only that. I had made a third key for the apartment which I had no obligation of handing in and no one knew about it. I could have kept it, and would now have a key to the apartment with which I could...break in and get my struff back or just steal what that shitter owes me. But no, I did the honest thing, I gave him the key thinking, out of goodwill, having a third set might spare him the misfortune of being locked out and needing a locksmith like I did. I got fucking repaid with betrayal. Thats what pisses me off. Ok, maybe he will still pay me. I doubt it, not answering my texts. I have to accept that everyone is out for themselves and no one gives a shit about me. No more Mr Nice Guy, thats what life has been telling me. I feel angry and like a victim, at the mercy of life. Anger stems from incapability and powerlessness. Im done giving a shit about other people. I need to stand up for myself, say NO and take what I want, others be damned. Sick of this shit
  3. I severely love life, but tonight I feel down and disappointed. Met a fantastic girl, the date went great, great connection, but I never went for a kiss despite wanting to take things further. I know I want to man up, take risks, go for what I want. I fear things getting platonic. I'm attached to outcome. What stings is that the connection was so good but I didn't do anything with it. Also I feel due to my very high satisfaction, peace and detachment in life my libido is low and I would like it to be higher. When dating im so immersed in the conversation I don't have a single thought or urge for sex, my mind never goes there and it's like I have to force myself with having a mental goal outcome in mind instead of having things evolve naturally which sucks but perhaps I just need to turn regular, enjoyable sex into a reality first. Ya, that's probably precisely what to do, just force through the catch 22 {bars} and the rest comes. Good thing is I'm comfortable with dating now and I've finally actually started to follow through with the numbers I collect AND I'm moving into Cologne in 2 weeks which finally means regular going out and regular dating. On the one hand I feel amazing for myself and good enough, on the other hand I absolutely welcome this frustrating and little sliver of self-unacceptance and disappointment to motivate myself to keep moving forward and growing, because peace and contentment on my own is all well and good but real life chaotic action and movement is where the rubber hits the road. I'ma stop being a little bitch and just kiss her next time for the sake of doing it and go on more dates to remain abundant and move out of this slump.
  4. I'll be following along too. What caused all the relapses?
  5. Recap what you learned about yourself, figure out what you'll do differently this time, and start again :) Check out the StopGaming subreddit if you need motivation and perspective. Hundreds of LoL cases on there.
  6. Also damn I sat down this afternoon to feel into a sweet wave of suffering that had been toiling and building up during the show binge and this song just flat out purified it all in one go lol it was sick. Not even the kind of music I usually listen to but it's the song that has probably been in my life the longest and I'm certain it always will be. Love it.
  7. Sorted out a lot of shit and spend the last week going hard studying for that maths exam. Wrote it yesterday and "treated" myself to a bit of a series binge, which I put a stop to today. I'll limit to watching documentaries again from now on. Documentaries inspire, entertainment shows tend to promote apathy. I want something new in my life to work on now that the maths exam is done, I'm no longer studying and, should I get accepted to Stellenbosch Uni in South Africa, thats only next year. I'm moving to the city in 3 weeks where I will find work. Until then, I have 3 weeks to kill and not much to keep me occopied. I went for a great walk this evening where I realised that exercise and nature has been what I've been missing. Discovered the most serene little patch of forest with a small lake, it's straight out of a fantasy land. I'm going to head there a lot over the next 3 weeks. Will also set up a framework in place to keep me occopied and engaged proactively, because having nothing to do, no purpose and absolutely 0 responsibilities or obligations is actually dangerous bizznizz lol. It gets real easy to sit in your apartment all day on instant pleasure movie marathons and snackfood. I shall think up an inspiring vision and some new goals and get to work on...something. I have following activies at my disposal: Growth: Watching Transformation Mastery and doing releases Self inquiry Kriya yoga, energy work game - go on dates, bars Entertainment: Read: Om Swami bio, David Attenborough bio 2 Audiobooks: Attenborough Bio 1, Magellan's bio Documentaries - wild china, travel, nature Listen to music - find more classical and electronic Stay active: Dance Go for a walk - forest hikes Cycle tour - flerzheim, forest trails Go to town, have a coffee, visit a bookstore, approach people, visit meetups Everyday I will do some dancing and/or light calisthenics, atleast every second day i will visit the forest and go for a walk, atleast once a week I will do a cycling tour and go to town. Everyday I will do atleast one activity on the growth list, and I will finish the two audiobooks within 3 weeks. Those are my spontaneously constructed "Anti Depression and Apathy Countermeasures" ;) I don't need to do or be anything and all is well, but I always want to be working on something. I don't care what, I just want to be working on something. As long as I'm working on something shit's gucci. And ima sit down and think of some inspiring cool stuff I want to do this year or next and get myself to THINK BIG! which i'm not used to. Peace out.
  8. Tuning in to rep the low carb gang (keto gang keto gang keto gang) also: What made me take the leap and give this diet a go were incessant food cravings, heartburn and bloating. Not even junk food per se, but "healthy" things like fruit. I would keep eating fruit until bloated, or crave chips, or just feel annoyingly full after normal meals. Jumping over to a simple low carb diet fixed this. Advantages I experienced personally: Drastically reduced or eliminated food cravings Sustained energy even without food (I've hiked up mountains without breakfast) Just generally feeling badass and sorted out when you see other chumps snacking on sugar and junk and knowing you dont need that shit There's simply no OPTION of cheating and eating unclean, because it's exited your life completely and losing ketosis would feel shittier than eating junk feels good - it's black and white vs. the muddy grey area of "just try to eat clean" What I eat One or two meals a day. Always the same meal. Yes, I've been eating the same meal every day since half a year. No, I don't mind. Yes, I still love it. It consists of: Broccoli and green beans, chopped up and fried in butter and coconut oil until soft. Grated mozarella or cheddar cheese chucked on top and melted in pan. Mixed italian herbs. 2-3 eggs, again with herbs and grated cheese, scrambled to make a cheesy scrambled omelette Nuts/seeds. Either almond flakes fried in butter and salted (only fry shortly, to keep soft and not create carcinogens), or raw almonds and pumpkin/sunflower seeds. Some raw paprika, and half or whole avocado. That's it! Sometimes I add fish. Sugar free (stevia, erythritol or xylitol sweetened) dark chocolate throughout the day or to wake me up and energize me in the morning I'm not super strict about this. At the start I really went ketogenic and stayed under 30g carbs a day. Now I'm very flexible, I just keep "low carb", which could mean I throw some fruit in there every now and then too. Some more points: Nowadays, everything can be replaced. You have nut butters, coconut or nut milk, you have sweeteners, you have nut flours, you can even make potato mash, rice AND pizza (!) eg with CAUILIFLOWER instead of wheat. I make cauliflower mash for myself sometimes and I like it even more than potato mash. I've also made nutflour based cupcakes and brownies. Also had cauli-rice and cauliflower base pizza, both of which were delicous also. There really aren't any restrictions. Whatever you can think of, a lowcarb alternative is possible. I might post a picture of what my meals look like later. Most people I meet comment on how surprisingly good they look. Also, many people are concerned about weight loss or "not getting enough xyz". Western society has adopted a ludicrous fetish on macro calculations, counting calories, and getting all your xyz-infinity vitamins and minerals. Ask any gym-bro and he will tell you "CALORIES IN, CALORIES OUT BRO. JUST EAT BIG!" Well, I'm here to tell you this is total nonsense. Do you really think the human body is so simple as an in-out calculator? The human body is waaaaaaay for complex and nuanced than that. You can scientifically "expend" more calories than you are taking in, and still not lose weight. Because it's just not that simple. I've met fruitarians who eat nothing but fruit and looked perfectly healthy (and fatter than me). I've also met people (myself included), who ate 3000+ calories a day with minimal exertion and never gained a single pound. And I myself have not lost weight during low carb. Because my body is fine and natural as it is, and maintains that weight because it's the most efficient weight to be at for my purposes. Also, homeostasis. Same applies to "needing" every vitamin and superfood supplement under the sun. You don't. It's marketing. Although I do recommend taking vit D for europeans and maybe some iron and B complex for vegetarians. Just from what i've heard. I'm taking D, B and iron atm. But that's anecdotal and I don't notice an actual experiential difference. Wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Diet optimization becomes a completely and unnecessary and counter-productive compulsion at a point.
  9. @BuggCool, I hear you, and I feel like I relate to you a lot more now. I do imagine you're more than capable of handling this yourself. Afterall, there is a certain strength and satisfaction of walking it alone and transforming yourself without any handholding. Be it good or bad, today's world does allow us to go full independant autodidact. Oh, I also have a practical suggestion: I remember I had phases of shitty, shitty food cravins and snacking and I would end up feeling bloated but still want more. What completely fixed this issue was radically altering my diet and going low carb. I even went full ketogenic at the time and it just removed all cravings once I had shifted over. A couple reasons for this: the consequence of overeating and losing that nice ketosis really outweighs the satisfaction of snacking detox from carbs and sugar, so no more starving for more and more carbs because the body has gone full fat-burning mode and isn;t even thinking of carbs So you might want to look into that incase you havn't already. I'm personally still ketogenic vegetarian and loving it on 1-2 big nutritious, delicous meals a day plus sugar-free dark chocolate throughout the day.
  10. Oh ok nice. I'm keen to get back in later this year when I've made some money and (if) the market has gotten it's shit back together. But unfortunate circumstances these past weeks...have been harsh on my bank account..
  11. Hi. Thanks for sharing. I'm very passionate about this kind of topic so I would like to make a few points Who says you can't? Allow me to be a little harsh here and say that it's your ego in the way, and putting it aside and being vulnerable (but honest) and telling the people around you about this would be a big step in overcoming this issue. Issues that are locked up and kept secret tend to fester and cause negative and draining emotional and behavioural patterns to keep it a secret, while expressing it frees up the stress and energy spent worrying about people "finding out", expresses it, and opens you up to seeing that everyone else is actually going through similar issues. We're all flawed, imperfect humans. Not just here, everywhere. Furthermore, what actually happens is that people value authenticity and vulnerability much much more than the all-pervading facade everyone's always wearing. It's like a breath of fresh air, and again, EVERYONE has their own problems and insecurities, and it's a relief seeing another opening up and being vulnerable, giving them that same relief and "permission" to also open up. You ask how to admit to people that you havn't recovered. I would say, by just admitting it. It's not a question of how, it's just a matter of putting ego and need for approval aside for what's really important: you, your life, your lane, and authentic expression not for anyone else but for yourself. I would like to express that while typing this I feel some resistance because I imagine the "normal" response to be one of kind encouragement and some ho hum pats of the back, but I am very passionate about honesty after seeing the profound effect it has had on my life (being radically honest and not keeping anything hidden from others just frees up SO much energy and stress and finally frees you from the prison of people pleasing, check out Radical Honesty if you want to learn more, there's a book and worldwide workshops). One last thing, there's really no right way to feel, no right way to be. There really, really isn't. We don't like hearing this because it would take us out of our habitual comfy loop of always seeking something, always optimizing something, always improving something, ergo, an inherent lack or scarcity. Therefore true fulfillment will never be found because we will never be good enough, there's always improvements to be done and new problems. Really, true happiness and freedom is available right now with an attitude of full surrender to whatever experience manifests as. Happy, ok, suffering, that's ok too, feeling ashamed, yup it's fine too. Notice you are not the "do-er" of your emotions or thoughts, so no need to feel ashamed of them. But even feeling ashamed is ok! It's all on the endless up and down wave of life, and there's really no higher power out there deciding that xzy thoughts, emotions, states are better or worse!! Out of a state of non-resistance to life, authentic motivation to change can emerge. Try this: instead of saying "I NEED to eat healthier, I NEED to do xyz, I NEED to be free of addictions", change it to "I WANT to eat healthier.. etc". Because you don't NEED to. Who's telling you? Life doesn't require you to be any certain way. There's no NEED to do or be anything, allowing you to be inspired and WANT to do things. Good luck ;)
  12. Nice Btw I spoke to a guy who became independant with Shopify. He said it took him around 2 months and now he earns 2k/month. Don;t know if thats of any value to you but its possible I guess. That sounds like an awesome opportunity there with your dad. I wouldnt have invested that money into btc tho. Go for smaller projects that have somehing unique and potentiality lifestyle/market-changing to offer.
  13. Things get a little more complicated when the button you press to watch the game is the same button you can press to play the game lol...a game that happens to grant instant fun, distraction, competition and reward from the comfort of your computer chair. You see others playing it and enjoying themselves, so of course you want to play it as well. And you don't have to find others, move to the hockey court and start sweating to do so! Infact, you don't even have to get up.
  14. You know you're never gonna stop wanting to play LoL until you cut out everything related to it and it finally ebbs out of your life completely. Trying to quit LoL but watching the tournaments is like being an alcoholic and going to wine tastings.
  15. End of travels Right now I’m very grateful for: · Having my bed to sleep in tonight · Having money and food and a home · Being alive and in health · Having family · Discovering Radical Honesty, Game, and Spirituality I’m back from my little romp through SA. It was quite the time. How time flies by, and all of a sudden you find yourself back where you began looking back and how it all seemingly passed by, and reduced to flickering memories. There is no “past”, no “future”, no “now”, only this weird, strange, timeless flowing experience. The past really doesn’t exist “anymore”. It’s so bizarre. I feel a most beautiful sadness. My trip went through great highs and great lows. The highs involved me out crushing it in Game, socializing like a madman, being in flow, and even having a couple of enlightenment experiences while deep in meditation. The lows involved me being a broke bum in physical danger, getting robbed, and being possibly infected with the world’s deadliest disease with maybe 2 years to live, or something. Lol. Melodrama aside, it was pretty wild. Oh, actually a couple more..annoyances happened the past two weeks too. · Bought a new camera to pick up photography as a new hobby and proceeded to leave it in the Uber a week later like an idiot · Realized I had lost my keys sometime during the journey when I got back to my german town and went to unlock my bike. Fate wasn’t leaving me alone. Faced with the incredibly shitty prospect of spending a night on the street after a 30 hour sleepless journey from SA, I managed to make my way to a friend’s house whom I had (with most impressive – for me – foresight and responsibility) given my spare keys. Alas, he was away on holiday too and his room locked. FUCK. Luckily, LUCKILY, his lease was home and had spare keys for HIS room, allowing me to enter and get MY spare keys. What a fucking godsend. Ya, lost my keys like an idiot too. Finally getting into my apartment was the sweetest thing. It’s funny how fast gratitude is forgotten. After getting my TB test results back negative, the gratitude at life and health wore off after a couple days, like most things. But for now, I’m fucking grateful of just having some money and a bed. Next weeks will continue to be stressful af though. No rest for the wicked. I need to: · Get rid or sell all of my furniture · Transport all the stuff I want to keep 500km down to my parent’s house · Clear out and repaint the room, get new keys done, find a buyer, give over the apartment · Study for and write a maths exam · Serve at a vipassana retreat · Make new Korean foot therapist appointments · Sort out a new SIM card · Find work · Find a new apartment Fuck man. It’s so much. I’m dreading it all. Plus I feel like all the past months of bumming out has killed whatever sad excuse for a work ethic I had. So I’m gonna really have to strap in and just bite through this one. I’ll get by. Tomorrow I’ll start with the SIM card, Korean appointments and putting the furniture online. In any case my top focus this month must absolutely be all the admin stuff. Oh, this afternoon after arriving in Cologne – before coming home I stopped by at the first regular Cologne Radical Honesty meetup organised from my friend I met at the RH Workshop a couple months ago. It was us and about 10 newcomers and he taught them the basics and I helped. It was a good session filled mostly by the game “Sex and Money”. Everyone takes turns telling the group about their financial life, and their sex life. Nothing held back, everything put on the table. I remember well back in the Workshop how I had to tell a huge circle of people about my virginity, it was tough but I did it. Well, since then I’ve lost my V but had great fun now telling everyone about my erectile dysfunction and bad sex issues LOL. It’s a step up I guess??? xD I’m a boss though because both in the workshop and today I volunteered to go first and straight up shot everything out. I used to be a nervous wreck and terrible public speaker but today I was pretty fucking calm and collected, even stopping what I was saying completely every now and then to close my eyes and tune into my body and declare what I was feeling, basking in the attention and discomfort. In general I was like de facto the group’s secondary leader, bringing a lot of value and suggestions to other people and speaking my mind. Speaking your mind is fucking HARD. 99.9% of people don’t realize just how hard it is. You see, if you’re sitting in that workshop and start feeling bored while someone else is having their turn talking, you better believe you need to speak up and say youre fucking bored and want to move on in the name of radical honesty. And that…is HARD. Like, there’s speaking your mind, and then there’s 100% SPEAKING YOUR MIND even if it could hurt others and mess up your image or pit others against you. It’s crazy how much upwards room there is for full honesty, and how many subtle ways there still are in which I people please, in which we all do. This is a longterm journey. So, that was a great time. Radical Honesty is boss. Also, I have to give myself props. I’ve come to realize that a LOT of groundedness, confidence and stability simply comes with age, from having more years and life experience under your belt. I mean look at old people, most of them don’t give a fuuuuck. Now, I’ve had people come up to me telling me I’m crazy mature, calm and confident for my age. And yes, I am. Through enlightenment work I’m probably more emotionally stable and mature than 90% of adults, and self-esteem wise too. Sometimes I’ll literally think I’m the coolest guy that’s ever lived. Sure, sometimes I get battered with a crippling wave of insecurity too, I’m not infallible. That’s what makes it interesting – the constant flux of moving emotional energy, states, confidence, insecurity, nothing is solid, permanent. Everything is in motion, appearing new every single moment. Nothing exists as an actual THING in time, everything is movement, appearance, fudged together by our consciousness to create the illusion of solidity and consistency. So I was thinking, damn, if I’m already pretty badass now, where the f will I be in 10 years carrying on this trajectory? See, no need to compare myself with guys that have slept with 100 women and are cool as a cucumber public speaking if they are THIRTY, 10 whole years more of development than me. Shit, at that age I’ll be legendary. Oh dear, then again, ironically the very thing in the way of greatness is the thing that wants to be great, the ego. A strong and commanding ego will still have to “keep” it’s respect and uphold it’s image, and fear losing it’s status. No-ego does not. No-ego wins out in the end. No-ego is the real power, even if there’s no own there to hold it. So, “I” (no central me actually exists, but for the purpose of dialogue), need to break down my “ego” (atleast the parts of it craving social success and survival). Let it burn in the holy fires of emotional pain and challenge, and rejection, until these things mean nothing to me. That’s the idea, atleast. Self-transcendance through calculated self-destruction. Mhm, I like the sound of that (but not the actual implications, lawl). Small bit on the enlightenment experiences I had while meditating at my Gran’s beautiful estate. I kept slipping deeper and deeper until all boundaries and separations dissolved and it became clear to me that I was not just “I”, some silly ghost in a head, but the whole experience. All of it, this, here, now, being. The whole package. The room I was in, me. The walls were my body, no end, no distinction. The vase, me. Everything there was, was it – awareness. A bottle is literally nothing more than the actual awareness of a bottle. There’s no inherent, independent existence to it. It’s all just experience. I walked outside into the nature, and fell overwhelmed to the earth. Kissing the earth beneath me, I felt an extraordinary union with the earth, the grass, the entire planet below me. “I” was inside awareness, and interconnected with it, and WAS it. Beautiful. Being so deeply conscious was the most crisp, clean, delightful feeling there is, that’s how I would describe it, but there came an inflection point of ultimate equanimity where all preference ceased alltogether. Good – bad, pleasure – pain, conscious-unconscious, it didn’t matter. All of it is just content within experience. Egoic consciousness and it’s inevitable suffering was welcomed back with open arms, and a few hours later I was back to normality again and jacking off to porn. Anyway, shit is good. Maybe even perfect, as it should be and as it only could have ever been. I don’t know. I sense tough but fruitful times ahead. Until then, cheerio.
  16. @marcopolobus Ok just dont binge em all at once :D all the Miyazaki movies (beautiful and spiritual, uplifting) fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood (just really really good but also longish) kill la kill (super funny and stylish) gurrenn lagann (same) avatar: the last airbender (maybe favorite show ever, similar to samurai champloo in the sense of group of friends travelling the world) death note (genius protagonist(s) like One Outs) mushishi (really spiritual and beautiful) that's pretty much the creme de la creme for me
  17. Replace all your "shoulds" and "need to"s (you have a lot in your entries) with "want to". Lifehack.
  18. Samurai Champloo and One Outs are sick. You have good taste (Journey too)
  19. Aiaiaiai I've backslided. Want to start a new media detox. Been spending too much time looking for that next movie. What a bizarre condition, trawling the internet looking for that perfect movie without ever actually watching a movie hahaha. So, no movies until I'm back in Germany. From now. Done. Documentaries allowed. Staying at my Gran's at a small sleepy estate. Nothing going on here. Want to do: lots of meditation one hike, cycle ride, or roadtrip a day explore the little town and the surrounding countryside When tired/drained, listen to music or watch a documentary or go for a walk. Yo I've had quite the fucking week. Got pickpocketed on my last fking night out in Stellenbosch, phone stolen. Replaced my phone. Got really sick, symptoms fitted tuberculosis and I had had contact with a homeless dude with TB who I helped a couple weeks back. So had to go to doctor, hospital, do X-Rays and tests. Burnt a hole in my bank account (in addition to phone replacement) until suddenly my money completely ran out, in Durban (0 friends or relatives, very expensive hostels, high crime rate, unsafe). Spent the weekend a) broke and scramblinb to find money just to afford another night in a bed and not on the crime-ridded streets and b) thinking I might have TB, the world's deadliest disease. So that was fun. A little stressed out, yeah. Having no money fucking sucks. Having your life and future put into question sucks even more. What a reminder to be grateful for life and health, bed and food. Getting ready to sleep in the park, my aunt thankfully bailed me out as it was possible for them to send money to my cellphone. On the way to the ATM I actually got mugged again by two dudes but the street was too crowded for them to harm me so I kept on walking, didnt give them my new phone and they eventually fucked off. Did I mention I had a stressful week? Eventually got a bus to my Gran's place. Money rules the world. For one day though, I was a penniless bum. Not a good feeling. Got reconnected to that fight-for-survival drive I journalled about a couple months ago. Careful what you wish for lol Seems I have no TB, just had some bronchitis and a fucking sore throat now but phoning doctor tomorrow for final test results but I think I'm fine. Nice! Contracting tb for a random act of kindness would have sucked lol
  20. Hit up the club and pick up a chick in those and you'll be the greatest man alive in my eyes hahahaha PS the website is really good...just not sure about the product.. I invited all my fb friends to your fb site tho and gave it a rating, might bring in some traffic dunno
  21. Pulled again but old Seargent Half-mast didn't want to play along. I'm impressed by myself just how easily I pulled, that shit was smooth as butter and I was pretty sober. 0 anxiety or nervousness, I lead hard, self amused, did cool things. Met her and her friends at a bbar.Took them to the club I've been at lately AND my 2nd cousin was DJing in there so I said Hi to him aswell. Made out (which is turning out to be increasingly easy and no big deal), bounced around the club, bounced out, bounced to KFC, but that's junk food and we don't eat that shit, called an Uber and bounced home. Textbook. A lot of physicality experience under my belt now. I make money moves boooiis. Also I did some daygame yesterday too and although I was pretty stifled (same old) I eventually approached this girl who turned out to be very smart and relatable. She was studying Geographic Information Systems (fancy name for maps) and training to be a PILOT at the same time, a dream she had since she was a little girl, and she spoke about being a disaster relief pilot some day which I found very cool. Very impressed, and we talked about life purpose, career and how to do good in the world without slipping into indulgent voyeurism, something that's been on my mind for weeks now. All actions are inherently selfish at their core which is a real conundrum when you say you want to help the world but yah. I don't know. Now thinking I might actually study BUSINESS. Not my greatest interest/passion, but it's just so versatile and I could probably do interesting stuff with it. I mean, cool organisations or interesting startups need business guys and it might suit my multi-talentness. I feel Im good at so many things it would be wasted if I only focussed on one thing like art, plus I still have the nagging sense of indulgence/pretentiousness when I think of Design lol. Maybe Business it is, my parents should be happy to hear that. Ima look into this shit. So yah, long story short you NEVER know what cool people you might (WILL) meet out approaching people. Networking, inspiration, fun, growth, Game is such an awesome door opener. Don't stop approaching! That one girl sitting there COULD turn out to be a super interesting, inspiring conversation. As a numbers game, you run into them inevitably,and they make all the stress and effort worth it.
  22. Last night was quite wild. I think I overdid it. Overdid it on the booze, for sure. That..was officially drunk. Fortunately I realized what was happening and cut the tap before things got out of hand. But I want to reach the same Game with a lot less alcohol. It was useful to show me what's possible though, what true uninhibition looks like. When I arrived at this place last night, everyone was already predrinking and I had a very warm welcome and fitted right in, easily. That's what I do. Now, day after, everyone hung over and sober and it's a bit awkward. Can't remain friends or even rmember names of 20 people. So I've just been chilling on my own. Tomorrow I'll probably go to the Uni to daygame though. But today, recovery and maybe going out later. One thing that happened yesterday wass that the bouncer gave me a warning because two girls complained I had been hitting on them which fucking sucked. I didn't do anything out of line, just self amused and uninhibited af. I wasn't sure who exactly the girls were which led me to kind of avoiding a bunch of girls the rest of the night who I thought might have been the unamused complainers. Whatever, I only got shoved in my head for like 1min then went back to partying and forgot about it. The rejections didn't stop however, they were everywhere. Why? I was finally being POLARIZING. Polarizing, and a "sexual threat" instead of just some funny platonic nice guy. The result was that I had an extremely fun night out and made out with 3 girls too because I didn't give a fuck and did whatever I wanted. I realised how easy it is to just make out with a girl during nightgame, in the club anything goes (within reason)+good looks and alcohol give you "permission". Had one pretty much instant makeout of just *approach* "I LOVE YOU, YOURE THE ONE, LETS GET MARRIED TOMORROW" *kiss* lol it was hilarious. To be fair all the girls I made out with eventually buggered off because it was too fast and silly and lacking connection, but I wasn't interested in pulling anyway. I'm staying with my cousin and her friends, and I think I need to play it chill and not go all out creepy player mode. Allthough for whatever reason she seems to know some of the lingo and was like "I saw you go for the pull!" the next day haha. But yah the bouncer warning thing I think was a bit too far, I mean it's just the word of 2 boring girls but I don't want that kind of rep, not when I'm staying on the hospitality of a cousin. Also I was probably too drunk (although so was everyone else). The student life here seems amazing and everything I missed, everyone is just so confident and social here and it's no wonder considering the surroundings and life. I probably would have never needed game and self-development to fix insecurities and become confident and social if I had simply grown up in an environment like this instead of dull, isolated Germany. However, something feels seriously off. It's too easy, and it's too indulgent. It's too fucking priviledged. It's a bunch of white kids enjoying the good life and full-blown hedonism. Does not align with my true value system. Sure, I want to have fun and enjoy myself, and I use nightlife and partying to grow, but..this is too much. I saw today that they have an old black maid clean up their house and all the dirty dishes and mess, and while there's nothing wrong inherently with having a maid, the whole principle - white kid, easy life, have parents finance 3 years of university to sloooowly learn some watered down bs and go partying every other night in a beautiful, beautiful town, it's just so easy and priviledged and I'm judging it but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know if I would want to do this. This is THE IDEAL place to develop Game which is a meaningful hobby and skill for me, but deep down it would feel wrong being here while other people who got dealt shit cards in life are suffering. Studying just seems so indulgent and unnecessary to me now. I would rather feel like just going straight to working. Doing SOMETHING, and being financially independant so I can pursure my own things. Then again, I would just be working a random job not really helping anyone. Alternatively, I could work at a super meaningful career and life purpose, build a business or something that makes an impact on the world, but that requires networking, a super high level of investment, and god knows what else. I really don't know what to do. And I don't need any generic one liners like "do what you enjoy". I'm going to have to do some active thinking on this. Do I want stability, chillness, just-live-life, or do I want striving, excellence, hard work and possible failure? I know most people here or in self development wuld obviously pick the latter, but the thing is that I already feel so happy and fulfilled, I just want to live out my life and pursue my hobbies and passions which I don't mind doing on the side. I don't think I have the drive and commitment to see out a life purpose or building a business or something, because I just don't feel the need. I'm already fulfilled.
  23. Also, on Sunday I had the option of going to a really high class venue after wine tasting. I was not allowed in because I was not 23, but I could have easily hopped over the barrier behind a stall. I didn't and instead hopped into my cousins car and we drove home. I regretted it soooo bad. There was a chance to game with super beautiful girls, and see what it's like to be in a posh venue (not that I'm into that or some kind of materialist, but I was thinking if I can game there, I can surely game some trashy club lol). So fuck. Lesson: ALWAYS GO ALL OUT. GO all fucking out, no half measures, no half things, no on the fence bullshit, just DO it, don't rationalise what's best, if there's ANYTHING that can improve my game, GO FOR IT no questions asked. Ya I could have gotten thrown out by bouncers, so what. JUST DO IT lol. Guess I was also held back that the competition was a mass of high status rich alphas or something (my judgement) and that I was a bit out of my league hahahaha. And then yesterday, I could have gone to Uni and daygamed like I did last week where I had some amazing sets and numberclosed 3 beautiful girls, but I didn't. Too lazy, too comfortable. Fuck that. Missed 2 great opportunities the last days. I'm not here to enjoy and bum out, I'm here to crush it, get some serious growth, go all out. So that's what I shall do, even when it's uncomfortable.
  24. Yesterday was awful. Like, laughably bad. One of those days where you get up on a bad foot, your mind just blelehhhehshhs, and you spend the rest of the day watching shit on your laptop and falling into an ever deeper pit you can't crawl out of. Laughably bad. Enough bumming out now. I'm gonna leave for the next town on my trip today, Stellenbosch, and stay at my second 2nd cousin. And the nightlife there is supposed to be even better than here in Cape Town. Proper Commonwealth Student town. So I'm gonna start crushing it hard again there, I've had my break. Let's keep it going, going. Today, I want to get more meditation in. Like, actually start doing it routinely again instead of just letting myself go. Work up just a little discipline again to take some time to just sit in stillness. Also friendly reminder to myself that I pulledddddd bruh something I would never have imagined a year ago. I've become a lot better at just DOING THINGS even if I don't feel ready. I take action, I don't give a fuck, I'm independant of outcome, atleast for the most part. My growth has been incredible. My social ability has become incredible. Even when I feel insecure or down or in my head, I'll just accept it and enjoy it as yet another flavour of life, and remain awesome. yahahah